Original subtitles

Show me that smile again.

Don't waste another minute on your crying.

We're nowhere near the end.

The best is ready to begin.

Oh, as long as we got each other.

As long as we keep on.

of Brazil, coffee is considered to be an aphrodisiac.

More coffee?

I

think

it's working.

From that case.

Once there if you need it.

Oh, I love Saturday mornings. So tranquil.

You know, if you listen carefully, you can almost hear the leaves fall.

Big leaves this year.

You're the studs ball.

You're the studs ball. You're mama.

You're mama. Hey, wait. Kids, kids, kids.

You both have the same mama.

What's this all about?

get into the world record book.

As what, Ben? The human prune?

No, for taking the longest shower. The record's only 374 hours. I can beat that

easy.

Ben, 300, that's two weeks. You can't stay in the water that long.

That's what they told Jacques Cousteau.

Ben, Jacques had a submarine.

Not when it was night.

I'm just wet.

Immortal?

How long have you wanted to be immortal?

Since I was two.

Well, if you promise to stay out of the bathroom, maybe I'll help you.

Okay. Hey, I wonder what's the longest anyone's gone without a shower.

I think it was Mike last night.

talking about those tranquil Saturday mornings?

I guess he couldn't get in the bathroom either.

Hey, Mom, Dad, I want to take karate.

I want to split boards. I want to break bricks.

Quick, hide the chimney.

The first class starts today.

Mike, why are you so hot all of a sudden about taking karate?

Can you believe that, Dad? She wants to know why I want to take karate.

Mike? Yeah, Dad? Why do you want to take karate?

No, I just want to.

The analytical mind at work.

Come on, Dad. Does everybody have to have a reason for everything they do?

No. Well, there you go, then. So you'll pay for the lessons?

No.

Why not? No reason.

Mike, I think I speak for both your father and myself when I ask you.

Is there a girl in this class?

No. No, I resent that.

I take that as a yes.

What are you guys talking about?

Remember when you just had to take horseback riding lessons?

Yeah, because you said it would help you overcome your fear of large animals?

Yeah, well, you gotta admit, Debbie DeZamba was large.

And remember when you just had to learn Scottish folk dancing?

Yeah, I was starved for culture.

But this is different, Dad. This is karate. It's a man's sport.

And it costs next to nothing.

Oh, good, good.

You get change for a dollar?

Okay, how next to nothing?

It's only $125, Dad.

And that includes a dozen training bricks.

Here's $10.

Go buy her a burger. It's cheaper.

Brought you some coffee? Oh, hi. Oh, not there. No, no. Would you get me a

coaster there, please?

I polished this thing within an inch of its life this week. Uh -huh.

And now you're just keeping it warm?

What are you doing, Jason, that you don't want me to see?

Me? Uh -huh. Looks like you're working on a test.

Oh, I guess you could say that, yeah. Well, what kind of a test is it? It's a

dull test.

I mean, what's it for?

Well, it's a test to measure dullness.

Oh. It's so dull, I can't even talk about it.

Jason.

Okay, it's a marriage compatibility test that I'm planning to give a couple of

my patients.

Oh?

Let's take it and see how we do.

I knew we would say that.

Oh, don't be such a stick in the mud.

Am I that predictable?

No. No.

No, you're spontaneous and impetuous, and that's what I love about you. Oh,

don't be a wise guy.

Maggie, this is a test for couples having problems. It pinpoints areas of

conflict. We have no conflict.

Oh, yeah?

I want to take the test. Do you? No.

See? Conflict.

Maggie, it's a boring test.

Not from what I see here.

The questions are profound.

Astute. Full of insight.

Especially the smutty ones.

Ah, yeah, it's number 12.

If you like that, Whaley, you get to number 33.

Oh, come on, Jason. Fill one out.

If you do well, I'll give you a big, uh, 37.

37? Hey, well, what more incentive could any red -blooded, card -carrying

husband ask for?

42. Bingo!

Yeah, Boner. Yeah, look, remember when we saw the karate kid?

Yeah. Okay, well, what did the old man tell the kid was the most important

reason to study karate?

No, no, I was out getting the goobers.

Yeah.

Yeah, oh, good. All right, wait.

Uh -huh.

Oh, good, Bonner, good. Yeah, great.

Uh -huh.

Yeah, okay.

All right, thanks a lot. Bye -bye.

Dad!

Hey, can we talk?

Sure.

Uh, look, I know that I kind of got upset, uh, this morning when you said I

couldn't take the karate lesson.

Uh -huh.

And I know that in the past...

I may have used these activities to meet girls.

Uh -huh.

But, you know, I'm really glad you put your foot down about these karate

lessons, Dad, because it forced me to look deeper into myself and ask,

Mike, why do you want to take these lessons?

Uh -huh.

And the answer came to me, Dad.

Mike, you want to take karate because it develops discipline.

Not only physical discipline, Dad, but spiritual discipline as well.

That's important to you, is it? Oh, yeah, Dad.

I mean, hey, without discipline, each one of us is like a rudderless craft in

sea of conflicting desires.

And you know what, Dad?

I need the rudder that karate will give me.

I see.

So what you're saying is that...

You're taking karate to help you achieve the spiritual state of Don Ho.

Right, Don Ho.

Mike, Don Ho is the Hawaiian singer who recorded Tiny Bubbles.

Right, very spiritual guy.

I think that you're going for endurance here, not accuracy.

How much longer before he gets in the book?

What time is it now?

1 .30.

A week from Thursday?

Carol.

Ben.

I'm sure Elvis would be touched. You can't keep this up for another 12 days.

I'm sorry.

How do you feel?

I'm all shook up.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm all shook up.

So, did you finish scoring our test yet? Yep.

Well, what's it say? What's it say? Well, for one thing, it says you're

impatient. Oh, come on, Jason. Are we compatible or not? I am. You're not.

Duh.

Now, go ahead and see for yourself. We got an excellent score.

Agreed on just about everything.

Especially the smutty questions.

Here's one we disagreed on.

What is your favorite hobby?

Oh, Jason.

What? I said gardening and you said collecting baseball cards.

How can we go on with this rift in our marriage? It's impossible.

We'll have to sell the house and divide the kids.

You take Mike.

Here's another one you screwed up.

What side of the bed do you sleep on?

I said the left and you said the left.

Well, that's right.

You take up most of the bed and I sleep on what's left.

Oh, no.

Here's another one you botched up. Jason, you should be more careful.

Would you ever keep anything from your spouse?

What did I say?

You said yes.

Well, that's what I meant.

What?

What do you mean you'd keep things from me?

That's like saying that you'd lie to me. No, no, you're twisting my answer. The

question simply asks, would you ever keep anything from your spouse?

Anything's a big word.

It means anything.

Well, thanks for clearing that up.

Now will you tell me what liar means?

Oh, come on, Maggie. What are you making such a big deal of this for?

I've always been honest with you.

Oh?

Yes.

Remember when somebody tried to mix cement in your blender?

I stepped forward right away and said, Ben did it.

Jason, you think this is funny, don't you? No, honey, I'm just saying. Well,

I'll tell you what I remember.

I remember the Mattapois it in.

The Mattapois, yes.

Where we had our honeymoon.

Yes. Now, remember that first night? And remember in front of the fireplace when

we... Annie, I remember what we did in front of that fireplace.

Remember what you said.

Yes. I said, let's try that again.

Without the ice cubes.

You also said that total honesty is essential to a happy marriage.

I said that after we were married?

Okay, okay, I said that. But we're more mature now.

So now we lie like rugs.

Oh, I'm only saying that there are some things that I might not volunteer.

Well, like what things?

Give me an example.

An example?

Uh -huh.

Two trains traveling from opposite directions.

Jason. Train A moving 85 miles an hour. I meant an example from our lives.

Well, you didn't let me finish. We were on train B. Damn it, B.

Serious.

Oh, you want a serious example? Yes.

Okay.

Here's something I didn't tell you because I thought it might upset you.

I will not be upset.

A couple weeks ago, I ran into Allison Van Dyke at the dry cleaners.

Your old girlfriend?

That's the one.

How nice.

Now, why wouldn't you want to tell me you ran into Allison? I don't know.

I thought you'd be... Be upset?

Nonsense.

Does she still strip for money?

Maggie, she's an artist's model.

And what does she have to dry clean anyway?

You think they could just hose her down once a week?

See, this is exactly why I didn't want to tell you. Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm not

upset that you saw her. I'm upset that you hid it from me.

So what did you and the nudists talk about?

See, I knew that I should have kept this to myself.

Right. That and all your other squalid little secrets.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to do a little jogging, Jason.

Well, I guess that means no number 37 tonight.

What's with him? He's going for a record and complaining. He has to complain for

62 straight hours. So far, he's got two straight minutes.

I hate minutes. I hate stopwatches. I hate your face.

Well, I'll give you something to complain about.

I said I'd meet you down at the karate place.

Oh, I know. I just thought it'd be more fun if we walked together.

Oh, um... Was I wrong?

No. It is okay that I'm here, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

Look, why don't I give you a tour of the house?

Uh, this is the hall closet here.

I heard her voice. No, Dad, I wasn't hurt.

Hey,

Mike, you know, there's no use in you and I discussing this karate thing

unless you're going to be straight with me. Now, I still think there's a girl in

this class.

No way, Dad.

All right, well, maybe there is one girl.

But we're talking flea collars and milk dogs.

This girl is the elephant girl.

You thought Debbie DeZamba was an animal.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, don't let me disturb you. I just think I left my glasses in here

So you did.

Don't mention it.

Well, that's all I wanted. I won't bother you anymore.

No bother.

In fact, I have a free hour if there's anything you'd like to discuss.

Mrs. Seaver?

Well, Doctor, there is something troubling me.

I knew it.

I'm a psychiatrist.

I sense these things.

Would you like to sit down and tell me about it?

It's my husband.

What about him?

It's impossible.

I mean, I love him and he's a great father, but sometimes... Does he beat

No.

Drink to excess?

Scratch himself in public?

No.

Then why is he so impossible?

Because he doesn't believe in total honesty.

Mr. Seaver, are you being totally honest with me now?

Well, there's one sure way to find out.

Oh?

Hypnosis.

Hypnosis.

You just keep your eye on the hypnotic plants and do something. Very

Now may I ask you to walk the dog?

Not for these prices, Mrs. Seaver.

Now you're getting tired.

You can barely keep your eyes open.

You're out.

Works every time.

So, Mrs. Seaver, you are now incapable of telling a lie.

And everything you say will be the complete and absolute truth. Do you

understand? Yes, Doctor.

All right, we'll start with a simple test question.

What do you really think of your husband's red plaid blazer?

His red plaid blazer?

Well, I... I think that it really brings out the color of his... gum.

The whole truth, Mrs. Seaver.

I think it's the ugliest thing I've seen since Carol Snake got caught in the

dishwasher.

Good, now we're getting somewhere.

And that awful tie he wears with it.

Makes him look like a thrift shop blew up in his bed.

I only asked about the blazer.

Just kidding.

Well, I'm glad you're enjoying this.

I have one more question for you, Mrs. Seaver.

By any chance, at last year's Christmas party, did Marty Brandt make a pass at

you?

How did you know that? Well, it doesn't matter how I found out. Did he make a

pass at you or not?

Well, yes.

But it was nothing. I wouldn't even call it a pass.

He asked you to go to Tahiti with him.

Just for the weekend.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

I mean, doesn't a husband have a right to know when his wife is propositioned?

Jason, I didn't think there was any point in mentioning it.

I mean, honey, I didn't want to ruin your friendship with Marty.

Besides, Marty had too much to drink. He didn't know what he was doing.

Oh, I know.

Because as soon as you turned him down, he staggered over to me and blabbed the

whole sordid story.

Marty told you? Mm -hmm. He confessed.

Then he broke into tears and tried to blow his nose on my tie.

The one I wear with my red plaid blazer.

Jason, I'm sorry.

I should have told you.

Maybe.

Or maybe you realized that telling me wouldn't do anybody any good, so you

it to yourself.

I admire you for that.

Really? And I'm sure if Marty had been sober, you would have told me

As soon as you got back from Tahiti.

But I'm sure you would have told me if Allison had been nude.

Right after we got back from Tahiti.

I mean, Dr.

Seaver. Thank you. You've been very helpful. Yes.

Well, it has been a most productive session.

However, there's one other thing I'd like to try with you. Oh?

Something I've never tried before with a patient.

What's that?

Number 42.

Is it on?

There's no use resisting. You're under hypnosis.

World record people, get this letter. We'll be in that next edition for sure.

So what record did you guys break?

Most failed attempts trying to get into the world record book in one day.

And they said it couldn't be done.

Mom, Dad, can I take Modern Dance?