Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

[ROCK 'N' ROLL PLAYING]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[MUSIC FADES]

MOM, AUNT IDA'S HERE!

WHAT'S WRONG?

NOTHING. I WAS JUST WONDERING

WHY, WHEN WE GET OLDER, DOES JUST--

EVERYTHING JUST TURNS TO SHIT.

[ROCK 'N' ROLL RESUMES]

-THANK YOU. -MM-HMM.

SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU-- WELL, YOU TOLD ME TO COME FOR THE WEEKEND.

NEXT WEEKEND.

NO.

-YEAH. -REALLY? NEXT WEEKEND?

-MM-HMM. -OH, GOD, ALI. I'M SO SORRY.

I WROTE IT DOWN. I PUT IT WITH

ALL MY APPOINTMENTS, AND THEN I--

LOST YOUR PHONE AGAIN?

NO, DON'T BE SO JUDGMENTAL.

I JUST-- I LEFT IT AT THE LOFT

WHEN JAKE AND I HAD THE MAKEUP, BREAKUP,

WHATEVER SEX.

YOU KNOW, I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU STAY.

I WOULD LOVE NOTHING MORE THAN THAT,

BUT SIMON HAS THIS WORK THING,

AND HE'S PREPARING FOR IT,

AND I'M-- I'M ON SARA DUTY JUST ALL WEEKEND.

YEAH. NO, I GET IT TOTALLY.

WE'LL BE LIKE-- WE'LL BE LIKE THE THREE MUSKETEERS.

THIS IS GOING TO BE REALLY GOOD FOR ME RIGHT NOW,

AND SHE IS SUCH A LITTLE ANGEL.

GET IT, BOY. [DOG SNARLING]

OKAY, I KNOW THAT I--

I SCARE HER A LITTLE BIT LATELY.

I KNOW THAT, BUT--

BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DRIVE BACK TO PALM DESERT.

I CAN'T DO THAT RIGHT NOW.

YOU CAN STAY IN A HOTEL.

FINE. FINE.

BUT I CAN'T PROMISE ANYTHING.

OKAY.

NO. WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.

IF GUYS HAVE A BACHELOR PARTY WHEN THEY TIE THE KNOT,

THEY SHOULD HAVE AN EVEN BIGGER PARTY WHEN THEY CUT THE CORD.

YOU WANT TO THROW ME A DIVORCE PARTY.

-MM-HMM. -COOL.

AND AS YOUR FORMER BEST MAN,

I TOOK IT UPON MYSELF. IT'S ALL SET UP.

TONIGHT?

[SIGHS] NO.

THANK YOU, BUT I'LL PASS.

YOU CAN'T PASS.

I RESERVED THE PLAYERS ROOM AT THE DIRTY BIRDIE.

GROSS. YOU AREN'T ACTUALLY GOING TO A STRIP CLUB, ARE YOU?

OF COURSE NOT, HONEY.

I DON'T HAVE A SITTER LINED UP.

DAD, WE DON'T NEED A SITTER. WE'RE NOT BABIES ANYMORE.

PRECISELY. NOW GET A MOVE ON, MAN.

THE BOYS ARE WAITING.

WHAT BOYS?

FRED, CARL, SOL, AND MANNY. THE BOYS.

THOSE ARE YOUR FRIENDS.

YEAH, THEY'RE MY FRIENDS, BUT YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY

A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY, SO I HAD TO IMPROVISE.

I HOPE YOU'RE AWARE THAT BESIDES OBJECTIFYING WOMEN,

STRIP CLUBS ARE CRAWLING WITH VENEREAL DISEASES.

CAN I COME?

YOU'RE 10 YEARS OLD.

LET'S TAKE THIS ONE STEP AT A TIME.

FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS IS YOU NEED TO CHANGE

OUT OF THESE DEPRESSING SWEATPANTS.

WHAT'S DEPRESSING ABOUT MY SWEATPANTS?

CHANNEL 11 DID THIS EXPOSE

ON HOW STRIPPER POLES ARE LIKE A PETRI DISH FOR VAGINAL FLEAS.

OKAY, DON'T WORRY. I WOULD NEVER GO TO A STRIP CLUB,

AND LET'S NOT SAY, "VAGINAL FLEAS."

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE GOING SOMEWHERE,

BECAUSE THE PARTY MOBILE IS PAID IN FULL.

-WHOA. -WHAT?

-YOU'RE SUCH A TOOL. -YOU REALLY ARE.

SO WHAT DOES YOUR PREGNANT WIFE

THINK OF THIS NIGHT OF DEBAUCHERY YOU'VE PLANNED?

YOU KNOW WHAT? SPARE ME THE MATRIMONY LECTURE, HALF-PINT.

LAST WEEK, DIANE FARTED ON ME IN BED.

SHE WASN'T EVEN ASLEEP. SHE WAS READING.

IT WAS A REAL RIPPER, TOO.

I SAID TO HER, "WHY'D YOU DO THAT TO ME?"

SHE DIDN'T EVEN APOLOGIZE.

SHE JUST LOOKED AT ME AND WAS LIKE,

"WELL, I WAS GONNA ROLL OVER,

BUT IT SEEMED LIKE TOO MUCH WORK."

MARRIAGE REALLY SUCKS, DOESN'T IT?

NOT ALWAYS. THERE ARE PLENTY OF HAPPILY MARRIED COUPLES OUT THERE.

AS MUCH AS I HATE TO ADMIT IT,

MAYBE UNCLE WILL IS RIGHT.

NOT ABOUT THE STRIP CLUB, OBVIOUSLY,

BUT YOU HAVEN'T BEEN OUT OF THE HOUSE AFTER SUNSET IN AGES.

YOU'RE LIKE A REVERSE VAMPIRE.

WE'LL BE FINE HERE FOR ONE NIGHT.

GO HAVE SOME FUN.

I APPRECIATE IT,

BUT I'M A GROWN-UP, AND IT ISN'T IMPORTANT

THAT I HAVE FUN ANYMORE.

ONE DRINK AT A RESPECTABLE PLACE,

AND I'M WEARING MY SWEATPANTS.

YOU'RE SMART KIDS.

[TAPS ON DOOR]

NO.

[SCOFFS] I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING YET.

I'M SAVING YOU THE TIME.

I'M AWARE WE AGREED ON FAMILY DINNERS,

BUT I'M UNDER THE GUN HERE.

THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY WHAT I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

IT'S NOT?

I NEED TO ASK YOU A FAVOR.

CAN IT WAIT TILL AFTER MONDAY?

IDA'S HERE.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

SHE GOT THE DATE WRONG, DIDN'T SHE?

DON'T BE SO JUDGMENTAL. YOU KNOW SHE'S GOING THROUGH

A REALLY HARD TIME RIGHT NOW.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT SERIOUSLY THINKING OF LETTING HER STAY, ARE YOU?

I KNOW IT'S NOT THE MOST CONVENIENT TIME FOR A VISIT,

BUT THINK OF IT FROM HER PERSPECTIVE.

OKAY.

I QUIT MY JOB.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE.

AND I MOVED IN WITH MY MOTHER.

EVERYBODY MAKES A BAD JUDGMENT CALL NOW AND THEN.

AND I SQUANDER MY DAYS READING E-MAILS FROM MY ESTRANGED HUSBAND,

SEARCHING FOR SECRET MEANING

LIKE SOME SORT OF DEMENTED SCHOLAR.

OKAY, I-- YOU'RE RIGHT.

THERE'S NO WONDER SHE'S SUCH A MESS.

IT COULD JUST BE FOR ONE NIGHT.

YOU PUT SARA TO BED. I'LL TAKE MY SISTER

OUT FOR A DRINK. SHE'LL TALK MY EAR OFF.

YOU CAN HAVE THE REST OF THE WEEKEND TO GET YOUR WORK DONE.

BABE, YOU KNOW I'D LIKE TO HELP, BUT--

I'LL PUT SARA DOWN EVERY NIGHT THIS WEEK.

AND I'LL GIVE HER HER BATH TIMES ALL NEXT WEEK, TOO.

AND I'LL GIVE YOU A BLOW JOB.

WHAT?

REALLY? RIGHT NOW?

NO, NOT RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN, MY SISTER'S OUTSIDE WATCHING OUR DAUGHTER.

I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T SPARE A MINUTE.

WON'T TAKE LONG.

HI. I AM BETTY,

AND I WILL BE YOUR DRIVER THIS EVENING.

JUST TO SET OUT A FEW GROUND RULES FOR YOU GENTLEMEN,

NO SMOKING IN THE LIMO, AND NO DRUG USE.

GOT IT.

AND REMEMBER OUR MOTTO,

"WHATEVER HAPPENS IN THE PARTY MOBILE

STAYS IN THE PARTY MOBILE."

ALL RIGHT.

UNLESS YOU NEED TO SHIT, PISS, OR PUKE.

IN THAT CASE, PLEASE ASK ME TO PULL OVER

OR AT LEAST DO IT OUT THE WINDOW.

OKAY. WE STRIKE YOU AS THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO WOULD...

SHIT OUT A LIMOUSINE WINDOW?

I'M NOT CASTING ASPERSIONS, SIR,

BUT I HAVE NOTICED WHEN PEOPLE GO OUT TO HAVE A GOOD TIME,

THEY AREN'T NECESSARILY THINKING

ABOUT WHO HAS TO CLEAN UP THE MESS.

THAT PERSON IS ME.

-OKAY. -OKAY.

THANK YOU.

[WILL] THIS IS PRETTY SWEET, HUH?

[CLARK] SMELLS LIKE DRAKKAR NOIR AND MINT LOLLIPOPS IN HERE.

[WILL] I THINK THAT'S PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS.

SO IS THIS, LIKE, COMPLIMENTARY,

OR IS IT THE WAY THEY DO IT IN THE HOTEL,

WHERE EVERYTHING'S EXORBITANTLY MARKED UP?

NO WAY, MAN. THIS IS A DELUXE PACKAGE.

YOU CAN DRINK YOURSELF SENSELESS.

I KNOW I PLAN TO.

NO, THANK YOU.

I DON'T WANT TO RISK CAR SICKNESS.

SUIT YOURSELF.

WHAT ARE THESE?

OH. NICE.

OH, WILL YOU STOP BEING SUCH A PRUDE?

-THEY ALL HAVE THOSE. -REALLY?

EVERY LIMOUSINE IN THE WORLD

HAS A CONCEALED PROPHYLACTIC REPOSITORY

AND APPARENTLY-- GREAT-- A LUBE COMPARTMENT.

YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT FIND THIS HARD TO BELIEVE,

BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE TO CUT LOOSE EVERY NOW AND THEN.

I'M JUST A LITTLE WORRIED THAT THEY CUT LOOSE ON THIS UPHOLSTERY LAST NIGHT.

BETTY, WE'D LIKE TO GO TO THE DIRTY BIRDIE, PLEASE.

-CLASSY. -STOP, PLEASE.

-WHAT? -I'M NOT GOING TO A STRIP CLUB.

SERIOUSLY? I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST FOR THE KIDS.

NO.

-REALLY? -YES! I'M NOT GOING.

OKAY. ROGER THAT. [SIGHS]

GOTTA LET THE BOYS KNOW THAT THEY CAN RAGE ON WITHOUT US.

SO WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?

THIS NIGHT WAS YOUR IDEA.

OKAY.

MAKE THAT THE ROOSEVELT.

MUCH BETTER CHOICE.

THANK YOU. NOT THAT I NEED YOUR APPROVAL,

BUT THANK YOU.

GOOD TO KNOW.

[CLARK] SORRY. CAN YOU STOP AGAIN?

ARE YOU GENTLEMEN OKAY BACK THERE?

[WILL] WE JUST NEED A MINUTE.

I KNOW WHAT THE ROOSEVELT HOTEL IS,

AND IT'S-- IT'S HIP, AND I--

IT'S A HOTEL BAR.

IT'S A HIP HOTEL BAR WITH JET-SETTERS AND FILM PEOPLE.

WELL, I WARNED YOU NOT TO WEAR THE SWEATPANTS.

HEY, NO MORE SWEATPANT COMMENTS.

I WILL GO RIGHT HOME AND GO TO BED.

YOU GOT IT.

BY THE WAY, IT'S NOT EVEN 8:00.

GONE TO BED A LOT EARLIER THAN 8:00.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOUR CHOICE. YOU PICK THE BAR,

MAYBE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD HERE, ANYWHERE YOU WANT TO GO.

I DON'T KNOW.

THIS PLACE HAS GOTTEN SO GENTRIFIED LATELY.

IT'S LIKE NOTHING BUT YOUNG PEOPLE.

-OH, NO, NOT YOUNG PEOPLE. - THE OTHER DAY,

I WENT TO A COFFEE SHOP JUST AROUND THE CORNER,

AND I JUST WANTED TO SIT AND HAVE A CAPPUCCINO, GRADE SOME PAPERS.

GREAT STORY, BY THE WAY.

THEY HAD THIS-- THEY HAD ONE OF THOSE OLD-STYLE PHOTO BOOTHS,

AND INSTEAD OF IT TAKING PORTRAITS, IT WAS--

THE CAMERA WAS AIMED LOWER AT CROTCHES,

SO KIDS WERE JUST GOING IN AND OUT...

-WHY? -TAKING PICTURES OF THEIR CROTCH.

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.

I DON'T GET IT. THEY SHOULD POST SIGNS.

THE KIDS TAKING PICTURES OF THEIR CROTCHES SHOULD POST A SIGN-

NO, LIKE BARS AND RESTAURANTS. THE WAY THEY, YOU KNOW, PUT A SIGN THAT SAYS

YOU HAVE TO BE 21 AND OVER TO DRINK HERE, THEY NEED TO PUT A SIGN

THAT SAYS IF YOU'RE OVER A CERTAIN AGE, YOU'RE GOING TO BE FEELING OUT OF TOUCH AND--

HAVE YOU HONESTLY NEVER HEARD OF ANTIDISCRIMINATION LAWSUITS?

BETTY, YOU OBVIOUSLY FREQUENT A LOT OF WATERING HOLES.

[BETTY] EXCUSE ME? -"WATERING HOLES"?

WOULD YOU RECOMMEND A PLACE

WHERE WE COULD JUST SIT AND HAVE A NICE DRINK

WITH PEOPLE OUR OWN AGE?

I ONCE HAD A GROUP OF LADIES FROM THE RED HAT SOCIETY.

I THINK THEY WENT TO A WINE BAR.

PERFECT. THANK YOU.

THE ANSWER IS NO.

I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO A WINE BAR

FOR YOUR ONE-AND-ONLY DIVORCE PARTY. NO WAY.

YOU TOLD ME TO PICK.

YOU CAN'T-- THERE'S-- YOU'RE NOT GONNA FIND IT.

I ALREADY LOOKED ON YOUR BEHALF.

-YOU'RE NOT GONNA FIND IT. -I'LL USE YOURS.

THEY NEVER MATCH-- DO THESE ACTUALLY

HAVE TO MATCH UP WITH THE PERSON'S THING? I NEVER KNOW.

OH, NO, IT WORKS.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

YOU SURE THEY DON'T HAVE ANYTHING STRONGER THAN WINE HERE?

HERE AT THIS WINE BAR?

NOT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IS A WINE DRINKER.

NO NEED TO GET SNIPPY ABOUT IT.

YEAH, WELL, CLEARLY YOU'RE NOT A WINE DRINKER.

YOU KNOW THE BEST THING ABOUT HANGING OUT WITH MOM IS THAT

NOTHING THIS GIRLIE COULD EVEN GET ME BUZZED ANYMORE.

I SAID WE COULD GO SOMEWHERE ELSE. DO YOU WANT TO?

IT'S NOT THE BAR. IT'S JUST THAT READING THIS CRAP IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

THEN WHY DON'T YOU STOP, HONEY?

BECAUSE IF I COULD JUST FIGURE OUT WHAT JAKE WANTED,

THEN, YOU KNOW, I'D KNOW WHAT TO DO.

WHO CARES WHAT HE WANTS? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WHAT I WANT IS FOR JAKE TO FEEL BAD FOR HURTING ME.

THEN I WANT HIM TO BEG FOR MY FORGIVENESS,

AND THEN I WANT HIM TO DIE IN A GRISLY AND EMBARRASSING ACCIDENT

INVOLVING, I DON'T KNOW,

LIKE, FARM ANIMALS AND MASTURBATING.

[BOTH LAUGH]

IT COULD HAPPEN, I THINK...

-I KNOW. I KNOW. -FROM THE E-MAILS.

JESUS, WHY ARE MEN SUCH DIPSHITS?

WELL, THEY AREN'T ALL DIPSHITS.

SO IT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE

THAT YOU AND I BOTH MARRIED DIPSHITS?

-SIMON'S NOT A DIPSHIT. -OF COURSE NOT.

NO. I MEAN, YOU JUST HAD TO BLOW HIM...

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE TOLD YOU THAT.

TO LET YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE

-FOR ONE NIGHT. -COME ON.

JUST FACE IT. MEN ARE SCUM.

LOOK AT SWEATPANTS OVER THERE.

AWW.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST THAT GUY?

NOTHING.

IT'S JUST THAT HE HONESTLY BELIEVES

THAT ONE OF US WOULD REACH OUR HANDS

INTO HIS CRUSTY GYM ATTIRE

AND MAKE SWEET LOVE TO HIS PENIS.

OH, MY GOD. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

SERIOUSLY. LOOK AT HIM.

HE'S BUILDING UP THE COURAGE

TO COME OVER HERE AND BUY ONE OF US A DRINK.

NO IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S TRYING TO FIND WHERE HE LOST HIS KEYS.

NO, THAT'S ALL PART OF HIS MOVE.

HE STUNS HIS PREY INTO A FALSE SENSE OF STABILITY,

AND THEN, BAMMO, "GET YOUR HANDS DOWN MY PANTS, BITCH."

-IDA! -HI.

DO YOU THINK I COULD BUY YOU A DRINK?

[WOMEN LAUGH]

TOLD YOU.

BAMMO.

ALL RIGHT. WAS THAT FUNNY OR...?

I'M SORRY.

NO. THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

BUT WE'RE GOOD ON WINE. THANKS.

-OKAY. - WHAT MY SISTER MEANS

IS THAT SHE'S MARRIED,

ALBEIT TO A WORKAHOLIC DIPSHIT,

AND THE ONLY WAY I'D SCREW A GUY TONIGHT

WOULD BE TO MAKE MY SCUMBAG HUSBAND JEALOUS,

AND YOU DON'T REALLY CUT THE MUSTARD IN THAT DEPARTMENT.

OKAY, WHAT MY SISTER IS SAYING...

YOU DON'T HAVE TO--

IS THAT SHE KIND OF HATES MEN RIGHT NOW,

AND SHE'S EXPRESSING THAT VIA A MORTIFYINGLY

EMBARRASSING SENSE OF HUMOR WHICH ISN'T FUNNY.

I'M NOT JOKING.

WHO BUYS A WOMAN A DRINK,

EVEN IN A NEW-AGE ESTROGEN SHACK LIKE THIS,

IF THEY'RE NOT TRYING TO GET INTO HER PANTS?

THAT WASN'T WHAT I WAS-- YOU'RE NOT EVEN WEARING PANTS.

OH, I BET YOU LOVE THAT, DON'T YOU?

YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST SO YOU KNOW,

THIS WASN'T MY IDEA.

I GOT DIVORCED TODAY,

AND MY FRIEND'S KIND OF FORCING ME TO HAVE FUN.

AND I TOLD HIM THAT I NEVER

BOUGHT A WOMAN A DRINK AT A BAR, AND HE SAID

IF I DID THAT, THAT HE WOULD LET ME GO HOME.

JUST WANT TO BE ASLEEP.

I MEAN, AS FAR AS PICKUP LINES GO,

YOU GET POINTS FOR CREATIVITY, SWEATPANTS.

WASN'T A PICKUP LINE. MY NAME'S CLARK.

SORRY.

-CLARK, I'M ALISON... -NICE TO MEET YOU.

AND MY LUNATIC SISTER IS IDA.

WHAT'S YOUR FRIEND'S NAME?

WILL.

OH. IS HE DIVORCED, TOO?

HE'S MARRIED.

-HAPPILY? - IDA!

DON'T KNOW IF I'D GO THAT FAR.

[ALISON] THANK YOU SO MUCH... [CLARK] YEAH.

FOR OFFERING THE DRINK. WE SHOULD GO.

WHAT? DON'T BE SILLY. WILL JUST GOT HERE.

HEY.

[IDA] HI.

SO WE COULD REALLY USE A MALE PERSPECTIVE

ON ALL OF THIS,

SO WHY DON'T YOU GUYS TAKE A LOAD OFF

AND BUY US THOSE DRINKS?

OH, YEAH.

WAITRESS. BAR LADY.

JUST ANOTHER BOTTLE OF YOUR GIRLIEST WHATEVER.

[WILL] SO YOU PRINT OUT ALL YOUR E-MAILS?

[IDA] YEAH.

OKAY, JUST TO GET THIS STRAIGHT, THOUGH, I'M SORRY.

YOU STILL HAVE NOT FILED FOR DIVORCE AFTER THIS?

I'M NOT SURE THAT I WANT TO THROW AWAY

FOUR YEARS OF MARRIAGE OVER ONE LITTLE MISTAKE.

THIS SEEMS LIKE MORE THAN ONE MISTAKE.

THIS READS LIKE A COPY OF PENTHOUSE FORUM.

-THIS IS CRAZY. -NO, IT DOESN'T COUNT,

'CAUSE WE WERE ALREADY SEPARATED,

AND HE DOES THAT STUFF TO MAKE ME JEALOUS.

I MEAN, MOST OF IT ISN'T EVEN TRUE.

COME ON. YOU DON'T ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT.

I MEAN, THE GUY HIT ON ME ONE TIME.

WHAT GUY HASN'T DRUNKENLY HIT ON HIS WIFE'S SISTER?

OH.

SO THAT WAS THE MISTAKE?

NO, IT WASN'T THAT EITHER,

BUT IT'S NOT ALL JAKE'S FAULT.

I MEAN, HE HAS REASONS.

THE MAN IS A WALKING ERECTION.

[WILL] SO WAIT A MINUTE. THIS HAS GOT TO BE

THE ONE MISTAKE IF YOU LOOK AT THIS.

THIS IS ACTUALLY JUST IMPRESSIVE. I MEAN,

HE MIGHT BE A SCUMBAG, BUT THIS IS IMPRESSIVE.

[CLARK] IS THAT EVEN PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE? WHAT ABOUT--

YOU COULD DO THIS. I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS IN PERSON, BUT YOU COULD DO THIS.

NO, I HAD A MISCARRIAGE, AND THEN HE SLEPT WITH MY BOSS.

[WILL] WHAT?

THAT IS TERRIBLE.

-I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THAT. -SO SORRY. JEEZ.

I KNOW. SHE'S NOT EVEN HOT.

SHE HAS THESE REALLY WEIRD,

LIKE, FLABBY ARMS. THEY'RE VERY--

RIGHT, BECAUSE THAT'S THE IMPORTANT PART OF THE STORY.

AND THEN AFTER SCREWING MY HUSBAND,

FLABBY ARMS CALLS ME INTO HER OFFICE AND IS, LIKE,

"YOU SHOULD MAYBE CONSIDERING TRANSFERRING OUT,

BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT ANY UNNECESSARY TENSION IN THE WORKPLACE."

WHAT A BITCH.

NO OFFENSE. SORRY, LADIES.

OH, PLEASE.

WE'VE CALLED HER WAY WORSE THINGS THAN THAT.

SO THEN WHAT'D YOU DO?

DID YOU DRAG HER ASS TO COURT?

DID I HAVE A CASE FOR THAT?

PROBABLY NOT.

HE JUST LIKES TO REMIND EVERYONE HE'S AN ATTORNEY EVERY FIVE MINUTES.

SHE DIDN'T TRY TO DO ANYTHING.

SHE JUST QUIT HER JOB, LEFT THE CONDO,

DROVE TO OUR ALCOHOLIC MOTHER'S HOUSE IN PALM DESERT,

AND STARTED DRINKING.

I NEEDED TIME TO FIGURE OUT MY NEXT MOVE.

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST THROW HIS ASS OUT?

THAT'S WHAT I SAID,

ESPECIALLY BECAUSE SHE IS THE ONE

WHO PUT THE DOWN PAYMENT ON THE PLACE,

AND HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A REAL JOB.

OKAY, HE HAS A JOB.

SO HE'S A WRITER.

HE'S AN ACTOR.

HE'S AN ACTOR. AH.

CLARK'S EX IS A THESPIAN.

WELL, THEATER STUFF MOSTLY.

MM, PEANUT BUTTER COMMERCIALS MOSTLY.

COMMUNITY THEATER ONCE. I MEAN...

WAIT, NOT THE PEANUT BUTTER COMMERCIAL--

-YES. - THE RED HAIR?

-THE SERIES OF-- YEAH. -YES.

CAN I ASK YOU HOW YOU KNEW?

LIKE, WHEN IT WAS COMPLETELY OVER,

THAT THERE WAS NO CHANCE OF GETTING BACK TOGETHER

AND THAT YOU HAD TO FILE FOR DIVORCE?

WELL, IN MY CASE, THERE WAS NEVER REALLY A QUESTION.

SHE CAME OUT AND TOLD ME SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE

AND THEY'VE MOVING TO A BED-AND-BREAKFAST IN MENDOCINO.

[IDA] AND YOU DIDN'T TRY TO CHANGE HER MIND?

NO, I TOLD YOU YOU ALWAYS TELL THE STORY WRONG.

SHE "CAME OUT" AND TOLD HIM SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE.

[CLARK] OKAY.

-OH. -OH.

SOMEONE WITH A VAGINA...

[CLARK] ALL RIGHT, THEY GET THE POINT.

BECAUSE SHE IS A LESBIAN.

[ALISON] OKAY. [CLARK] YEAH, YOU'RE A JERK.

YOU KIND OF ARE A JERK.

WHAT I WASN'T EXPECTING IS THAT SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE THE KIDS.

THAT'S BEEN A REAL--

SHE'S PRETENDING THEY DON'T EXIST.

BITCH. NO OFFENSE.

WE'VE CALLED HER WORSE.

I HAVEN'T. I MEAN,

SHE'S OBVIOUSLY GOING THROUGH SOMETHING.

SHE'S TRYING TO FIND HERSELF.

WAIT. IS ANYONE ELSE REALIZING JUST HOW WEIRD THIS IS?

[CLARK] WHAT?

MARRIED. MARRIED.

DIVORCED.

-SOON TO BE DIVORCED. -MAYBE.

CHEATING ACTRESS WIFE. CHEATING ACTOR HUSBAND.

YOGA PANTS. SWEATPANTS.

LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS.

[ CLARK] ALL RIGHT,

LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS.

LAME TASTE IN BARS.

STILL SHOPS AT FOREVER 21.

HAS SHOPPED AT ABERCROMBIE & FITCH EVER SINCE COLLEGE.

OH, GOD, I HATE THAT PERFUME MIST THEY JUST SPRAY IN THERE.

HE LOVES IT. HE PUTS THAT ON.

-MARRIED A LESBIAN. -WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

I WAS JUMPING--

OOH, I KNOW. MARRIED A LESBIAN.

PROBABLY A LESBIAN.

I AM NOT A LESBIAN.

ALWAYS HAD MY DOUBTS.

OKAY, JUST BECAUSE I AM NOT DRIVEN BY GETTING LAID,

THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME A LESBIAN.

MAYBE YOU'RE JUST FRIGID.

[CLARK] WHOA.

WOW. OKAY, GUY THAT I JUST MET AT A BAR WHO DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME,

I AM NOT FRIGID.

NO, IT'S OKAY. I MEAN, HE'S THE SAME WAY.

NO. NO.

[WILL] YOU SAID YOU WOULD RATHER

EAT A CLUB SANDWICH THAN SLEEP WITH A VICTORIA SECRET MODEL.

YOU'VE TAKEN THIS COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTEXT.

I DON'T THINK THAT THAT'S A WEIRD THING TO SAY.

I THINK I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.

THIS IS A LITTLE EERIE.

I THINK IT'S MORE THAN EERIE.

I THINK YOU GUYS ARE LIKE THE BIZARRO VERSION OF US.

MAYBE YOU'RE LIKE...

[TOGETHER] THE BIZARRO VERSION OF US.

WHAT KIND OF BAR CLOSES AT 10:00?

FINE. I ADMIT IT. MY BAR SUCKS.

AH, WE COULD ALWAYS GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.

SAYS THE PERSON WHO DOESN'T

HAVE TO GET UP AT 6:00 IN THE MORNING.

OH, JUST ONE MORE DRINK.

I THINK ONE MORE DRINK SOUNDS GOOD.

YEAH?

-YEAH? -ALL RIGHT.

IT'S RIGHT OVER HERE.

AHHH, MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST TAKE MY CAR.

[WILL] DOES YOUR CAR HAVE FREE GASOLINE

AND ALL THE BOOZE YOU CAN DRINK?

OH, WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY,

THAT PHALLIC MONSTROSITY KIND OF SOUNDS MAGICAL.

ALI?

[ROCK 'N' ROLL PLAYING]

OW. OW.

-I'M SORRY. -OW.

[MUSIC STOPS]

IT ALWAYS LOOKS SO FUN IN THE MOVIES.

I'M PRETTY SURE I JUST ATE A FLY.

MAYBE WE'RE TOO OLD TO HAVE FUN.

WHO YOU CALLING OLD, BUDDY?

OH, I'M SORRY. MATURE.

MM...

WOULD YOU RATHER ME CALL YOU IMMATURE?

YOU MIGHT WANT TO JUST STOP TALKING.

-MM. MM-HMM. - AND I HAVE TO SAY

I TAKE OFFENSE AT THIS WHOLE LINE OF REASONING. I'M STILL FUN,

AND I'M YOUNG. OKAY, WELL, AT LEAST I'M NOT OLD.

"AND YOU LADIES, YOU SEEM LIKE YOU'RE FUN,"

HE SAID IN THE LEAST CREEPY WAY POSSIBLE.

[LAUGHS] I AM FUN.

YEAH, IF BY FUN,

YOU MEAN A BITTER, WEEPY MESS.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, I USED TO BE FUN, RIGHT?

SO MUCH FUN.

BUT EVEN I USED TO BE FUN.

HEY, NOT AS RECENTLY AS YOU,

BUT BACK IN MY HEYDAY. I WAS--

-I WAS NEVER FUN. - THAT'S NOT TRUE.

YOU USED TO HAVE THIS WEIRD, FREAKISH LAUGH

WHENEVER YOU HAD FUN.

USED TO DRIVE ME CRAZY.

ME?

[WILL] YEAH.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I'M SERIOUS. THINK OF A TIME IN YOUR LIFE

WHEN YOU HAD A LOT OF FUN.

I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

FOR ME, I'D SAY...

WHEN I GRADUATED FROM LAW SCHOOL.

I SHOULD MENTION AT THIS POINT THAT HE'S A LAWYER.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS PICKED THAT UP.

NO, NO, I'M SERIOUS. I'M SERIOUS. I'M UP THERE

IN THIS GOOFY PURPLE, YOU KNOW, CAP AND GOWN,

AND I JUST-- I REMEMBER STANDING UP THERE,

FEELING, LIKE, REALLY FULL OF HOPE, YOU KNOW?

AND DIDN'T LAST, BUT--

BUT YEAH.

FELT GOOD.

MINE'S A CLICHE,

BUT IT'S TRUE.

WHEN MY-- WHEN MY DAUGHTER WAS BORN.

THE FIRST TIME I SAW HER.

OUR DAUGHTER'S BIRTH WAS A VERY UNPLEASANT EXPERIENCE FOR ME.

HE VOMITED ALL OVER THE DELIVERY ROOM.

I WAS NOT TOLD THAT THE WOMAN DEFECATES

WHILE THE BABY'S COMING OUT.

REALLY?

YEAH.

MINE WAS DEFINITELY LOSING MY VIRGINITY.

NOT ME.

ME NEITHER. I DON'T THINK SHE HAD A GREAT TIME EITHER.

I THREW UP ON THE POOR, UNFORTUNATE WOMAN

ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH.

WE'D BEEN DRINKING, AND-- YEAH.

SO YOU DO A LOT OF HURLING.

OH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

DO NOT SIT NEXT TO THIS MAN ON A BOAT OR A CARNIVAL RIDE.

YEAH, A REGULAR SEAT, EVEN.

I HAVE A VERY WEAK STOMACH.

HE ONCE BARFED...

IN SCUBA GEAR.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

YEAH, I'VE HAD FUN, I GUESS.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW-- WELL, YOU REMEMBER HIGH SCHOOL,

WHEN WE SKIPPED CLASSES THAT TIME

AND YOU GOT REEFER.

-REEFER? -WE GOT REEFER?

NOBODY CALLS IT THAT.

I DON'T KNOW. IT WAS YOU,

ME, AND RHONDA

AND THE GIRL WITH THE LEG BRACES,

SUE, I THINK HER NAME WAS.

OH, YEAH. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

[CLARK] REALLY?

WHO THE HELL IS RHONDA?

MAYBE IT WAS MEMORABLE TO ME AND NOT YOU.

I MEAN, WE DIDN'T DO MUCH,

I GUESS, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT.

WE DIDN'T, LIKE, KISS THE GIRLS OR ANYTHING.

WE JUST HUNG OUT, AND WE SMOKED MARIJUANA

AND JUST SWAM IN THE OCEAN,

AND IT WAS...

YEAH.

THAT WAS PROBABLY THE MOST FUN

I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.

WOW, MAN, THAT'S REALLY SAD.

[CLARK] YEAH, IT IS REALLY SAD.

I WANT TO DO IT.

YOU WANT TO SMOKE POT?

-MM-HMM. -SWIM IN THE OCEAN?

OH, IT'S NOT-- YOU CAN'T EVER RECREATE THOSE THINGS. IT'S NOT GONNA BE THE WAY IT WAS.

OF COURSE IT'S NOT GONNA BE THE SAME,

BUT IT BEATS DRIVING AROUND IN THIS THING ALL NIGHT.

I'M IN.

OKAY, ME, TOO.

OKAY.

LET'S DO IT.

OKAY.

YOU KNOW, WE COULD HAVE GONE TO A GAS STATION.

NO.

GAS STATION BATHROOMS ARE SO SKANKY.

[IDA] HEY, CAN I BUM ONE OF THOSE?

-ME, TOO? -REALLY?

YEAH, REALLY? YOU CAN'T AFFORD YOUR OWN?

I'LL BUY YOU A PACK AT THE NEXT GAS STATION.

YEP. JUST DON'T SMOKE IN THE CAR.

[IDA] YOU WANT-- YOU WANT A LIGHTER?

[LIGHTER FLICKS]

-THAT IS SO GOOD. -SO GOOD.

THAT'S NOT WHAT YOUR LUNGS ARE SAYING.

NO, THEY'RE SAYING,

"WHEN DID THE SURGEON GENERAL START WEARING SWEATPANTS?"

SO WHERE ARE WE GETTING THE POT?

WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME?

'CAUSE YOU ALWAYS USED TO HAVE THAT LITTLE STASH.

I THREW IT OUT WHEN SARA WAS BORN.

[WILL] WHAT ABOUT THAT KID IN YOUR CLASS

USED TO OFFER YOU POT IN EXCHANGE FOR A BETTER GRADE?

WANT ME TO CALL UP A STUDENT AT 11:00 AT NIGHT

AND BARTER HIGHER GRADES FOR MARIJUANA?

YOU COULD TEXT HIM.

ARE YOU A TEACHER?

[CLARK] YEAH, HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH.

OH, WHERE?

WESTSIDE PREPARATORY ACADEMY.

[ALISON] PRESTIGIOUS.

I USED TO-- I USED TO TEACH HISTORY AT COOLIDGE.

OH, I KNOW THAT VERY WELL.

THEY HAVE AN EXCELLENT A.P. PROGRAM.

YEAH, IT IS A REALLY GOOD A.P. PROGRAM.

WHERE ARE WE GETTING THE POT?

WHY DON'T WE ASK JAKE?

ONE OF HIS MANY FANTASTIC CHARACTERISTICS,

HER SOON-TO-BE EX-HUSBAND

IS ALSO A PART-TIME DRUG DEALER.

NO, HE'S NOT A DRUG DEALER.

HE SOLD A LITTLE BIT OF POT TO SOME ACTING CLASS BUDDIES, LIKE, YEARS AGO.

[ALISON] HE ALWAYS HAS DRUGS AROUND.

-THAT'S A CATCH. - ...PART OF HIS COOL-GUY SHTICK.

IT'S NOT A SHTICK. HE'S GENUINELY VERY COOL.

GREAT. WELL, THEN, MAYBE HE'LL GIVE DRUGS TO US.

NO, WE'RE NOT GETTING DRUGS FROM THAT LOSER, OKAY?

AND I THINK WE'RE BEING A LITTLE CONVOLUTED ABOUT THIS.

THERE ARE TONS OF MARIJUANA DISPENSARIES

ALL OVER THE CITY.

WE NEED A PRESCRIPTION FOR THAT, THOUGH.

OKAY. GREAT. GOT IT.

[WILL] YOU'RE A DOCTOR?

PEDIATRIC SURGEON.

OH, YOU THOUGHT I WAS JUST SOME DUMB BLONDE?

-NO. [ALISON] DON'T WORRY. IT'S WHAT SHE'S GOING FOR.

[IDA] CAN WE NOT RIGHT NOW? [ALISON] SHE THINKS THAT MEN

ARE INTIMIDATED BY INTELLIGENT WOMEN,

AND SO SHE PLAYS DUMB,

AND SHE'S DONE IT OUR WHOLE LIVES,

EVER SINCE WE WERE KIDS.

OKAY, WHAT MY SISTER CAN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND

IS THAT I LIKE TO DRESS SEXY.

I LIKE MY BODY. I FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT.

I DON'T DO IT TO SEEK THE APPROVAL OF MEN.

[CHUCKLES]

[ALISON] WHAT?

NOTHING.

CAN WE ALL JUST BE QUIET, SO I CAN FOCUS, PLEASE?

WAIT . CAN A PEDIATRICIAN EVEN WRITE A PRESCRIPTION FOR MARIJUANA?

IT'S A POT SHOP. I MEAN...

HOW RIGOROUS ARE THEY GONNA BE?

-YEAH. -I ACTUALLY HAVE NO IDEA

HOW POT SHOPS WORK, SO I DON'T KNOW.

I.D.

YEAH.

TAKE IT OUT?

YEAH, I'D PREFER IF YOU TOOK IT OUT. THANKS.

THE GENERIC OKAY?

YEAH.

OKAY.

ONE QUICK QUESTION.

DID A REAL DOCTOR WRITE THIS?

OF COURSE A REAL DOCTOR WROTE THAT.

BECAUSE THE HANDWRITING IS TERRIBLE.

WELL, EVERYONE KNOWS THAT A PHYSICIAN'S SKILLS

ARE INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL TO HOW BAD HER HANDWRITING IS,

THAT'S RIGHT.

SHE MUST BE AN AMAZING PHYSICIAN.

SHE'S THE BEST.

THE BEST.

SPELLED YOUR NAME WRONG, THOUGH.

OH, NO, SHE-- SEE, SHE CROSSED IT OUT,

AND THEN SHE GOT IT RIGHT UNDER THERE.

SHE GOT IT RIGHT THE SECOND TIME.

WEIRD THING. DON'T PEDIATRICIANS USUALLY ONLY TREAT CHILDREN?

MM, PEDIATRIC SURGEON.

SAME THING.

NO, IT'S NOT REALLY THE SAME THING.

SHE'S MY DOCTOR. SHE'S TREATING ME

BECAUSE I'M EMOTIONALLY A CHILD.

AN INFANT. HE'S EMOTIONALLY AN INFANT.

-I'M STUNTED. -IS VERY STUNTED.

SOUNDS COMPLEX.

LOOK, I'M NOT TRYING TO BE A DICK HERE, GUYS,

BUT WE'VE BEEN INVESTIGATED LATELY BY THE STATE.

THEY'VE BEEN SENDING IN A LOT OF UNDERCOVER COPS

TO HARASS US.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

YEAH, IT'S TERRIBLE.

YOU DON'T-- YOU DON'T THINK WE'RE COPS, DO YOU?

NO. WE'RE NOT-- WE'RE NOT POLICE OFFICERS.

LOOK, MAYBE YOU ARE, MAYBE YOU AREN'T,

BUT ANY LAW OFFICER WOULD UNDERSTAND THAT WE'RE

A LICENSED DISPENSARY, A MEDICAL FACILITY,

THAT CANNOT SELL TO SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN DRINKING.

NO, HE'S NOT DRUNK. HE'S JUST ACTING THIS WAY BECAUSE OF THE PAIN.

-WHAT-- - IN HIS BACK,

WHICH IS WHY HE NEEDS A MARIJUANA PRESCRIPTION.

[GROANS] I'VE GOT PAIN IN MY BACK,

AND I GOT A PRESCRIPTION FROM MY PEDIATRIC SURGEON TO TREAT THE PAIN.

I'M LOVING THE SHOW HERE, OFFICERS,

BUT AS YOU CAN SEE, WE'RE VERY BUSY, SO I'D LIKE TO GET BACK TO WORK.

WE'RE NOT COPS.

[EMPLOYEE] DENYING THAT YOU'RE A COP

IS THE FIRST THING THAT COPS DO, OKAY? I KNOW MY RIGHTS, SO...

-WOULD A COP DO THIS? -OH.

NOT-- MAYBE IN A PORNO.

-I DON'T THINK THAT'S REALLY-- -YEAH, I KNOW.

SO WHY DON'T WE JUST FILL THE PRESCRIPTION?

-CAN YOU DO THAT AGAIN? -YEAH, NO.

I COULD MAYBE-- I COULD KICK YOU IN THE TESTICLES.

COULD DO THAT.

I'LL CALL IT IN.

YEAH. THAT'S A GOOD CHOICE.

WHAT ARE YOU-- I MEAN--

[IDA] GETTING YOU A PRESCRIPTION.

YOU'RE GONNA GET ME ARRESTED.

-OH, REALLY? -HE'S GOT MY I.D.

THAT'S GONNA GET YOU ARRESTED?

-HE'S SEEN MY I.D. -YOU'RE FINE.

AND THEY'RE CLOSED.

YOU WANT TO CALL HER EMERGENCY NUMBER?

NO. IT'S VERY LATE.

I TOLD YOU SHE'S REALLY COMMITTED TO HER PATIENTS.

[EMPLOYEE] OKAY. SURE.

I-I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

-I'M GONNA GO OUTSIDE. -YOU'RE GONNA--

I THINK YOU'LL BE OKAY, LAWYER.

-YOU'RE GONNA GO OUTSIDE? -YOU'RE A LAWYER, AREN'T YOU?

IT'S A SERVICE. THEY'RE PATCHING ME THOUGH.

YOU FROM THE AREA?

FROM RIGHT-- OKAY.

[EMPLOYEE] HI. YEAH, THIS--

OKAY, YOU WERE JUST IN HERE.

YOU DON'T NEED TO DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.

YEAH. OKAY, BOOB LADY, I KNOW IT'S YOU.

OKAY, I CAN SEE YOU STANDING OUTSIDE.

YEAH, THAT'S A CAMERA.

OKAY. THANKS.

SHE WANTS YOU TO GO OUTSIDE.

[ALISON] I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU FLASHED A TOTAL STRANGER.

[WILL] I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FLASHED HIM

AND THEN HE STILL WOULDN'T GIVE US THE POT.

I THINK I'M LOSING MY TOUCH.

NOT FROM WHERE I WAS STANDING.

HMM.

-THANK YOU. -OH, RIGHT,

BUT YOU'RE NOT SEEKING ANY MALE ATTENTION, RIGHT?

ENOUGH, ALISON.

I FLASHED A GUY.

IT'S NOT LIKE I BLEW HIM.

DON'T. DO NOT START THAT RIGHT NOW.

START WHAT?

IS THERE A BLOW JOB STORY HERE

THAT NEEDS TO BE TOLD? YOU KNOW?

I'M, YOU KNOW, JUST ASKING FOR A FRIEND, BUT...

HE LOVES A GOOD BLOW JOB STORY.

YOU'RE NOT CURIOUS?

[ALISON] OKAY, OKAY.

FINE. YOU WANT TO KNOW THE SHOCKING TRUTH?

I GAVE MY HUSBAND A BLOW JOB.

OH, MY GOD. ISN'T THAT CRAZY?

WHEN IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD

HAS A WIFE EVER GIVEN HER HUSBAND A BLOW JOB?

[WILL] IN MY CASE, IT'S BEEN, I THINK,

SINCE THERE WAS A REPUBLICAN IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

IT WASN'T A VERY FREQUENT OCCURRENCE

AT OUR HOUSEHOLD EITHER, SHOCKINGLY ENOUGH.

-I BLEW JAKE ALL THE TIME. -OF COURSE YOU DID.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

SPEAK OF THE DIPSHIT.

DON'T. PLEASE STOP CALLING HIM THAT.

OKAY.

HELLO.

YEAH, EVERYTHING'S GREAT.

IDA AND I ARE JUST AT A WINE BAR.

NO, I'M NOT COMING HOME JUST 'CAUSE OUR DAUGHT--

WELL, I'M NOT COMING HOME BECAUSE OF THAT.

I'M SURE SHE WANTS YOU TO S--

NO, I'M IN A PUBLIC PLACE RIGHT NOW.

DON'T PUT ME ON SPEAKER. HI, SWEETIE.

HI.

I KNOW. I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

GOOD JOB.

SHH. OF COURSE I WILL.

♪ GOOD-BYE

♪ SO LONG, FAREWELL, MY POO ♪

♪ GOOD-BYE, SO LONG, FAREWELL ♪

♪ GOOD-BYE TO PEE-PEE, GOOD-BYE TO POO-POO ♪

♪ GOOD-BYE, SO LONG, FAREWELL ♪

♪ I'LL SEE YOU SOON AGAIN, MY POO ♪

♪ SO GOOD-BYE, SO LONG, FAREWELL. ♪

I LOVE YOU, TOO, SWEETIE.

GOOD NIGHT.

SO WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

JUST SOMETHING MY DAUGHTER LIKES.

SHE LIKES YOU TO SERENADE HER CRAP?

DID-- I DID SOMETHING LIKE THAT

WHEN MY KIDS WERE LITTLE, TOO.

[ALISON] THANK YOU.

I MEAN, NOT EXACTLY LIKE THAT. THAT WAS A LITTLE-- BUT I MEAN--

SHE'S FIVE.

[ALISON] SHE'LL TIRE OF IT SOON.

MAYBE. MAYBE. OR MAYBE YOU'LL BE

SKYPING WITH HER WHEN SHE'S IN COLLEGE

AND SINGING HER ROCK OPERAS TO HER BEER SHITS.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T FEEL LIKE I HAVE

TO EXPLAIN MYSELF WITH THIS, AND I FEEL--

I FEEL LIKE THIS NIGHT WAS A BAD IDEA,

-AND I'D LIKE TO GO HOME NOW. -NO WAY.

OH, COME ON.

[IDA] IF ANYBODY IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET

NEEDS A NIGHT OUT,

IT'S THE FOUR OF US, SO YOU KNOW WHAT?

ACTUALLY, HEY, CAN YOU TAKE US

TO 1455 MOLINO DOWNTOWN?

ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH. SCREW IT.

YEAH, SCREW IT.

WHAT'S-- WHAT IS IT?

[JAZZ PLAYING]

SO YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO TAKE THE STAIRS,

BECAUSE A CAT LADY DIED IN THE ELEVATOR,

AND THEY NEVER REALLY GOT THE SMELL OUT.

HE'S NOT GONNA BE HERE, RIGHT?

NO, GOD, NO. HE'S AT, LIKE, YOGA OR THE BAR.

AH, A RENAISSANCE MAN.

NO, IT'S ONLY FOR THE PUSSY.

THE DRUGS ARE IN A SHOEBOX UNDER THE BED.

RIGHT, AND YOU'RE SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS? IT'D BE FASTER.

NO. I CAN'T. IF I GO UP THERE,

IT'LL REALLY MESS WITH MY HEAD. PLUS, WHAT IF HE'S HOME?

EH, YOU SAID HE WASN'T GONNA BE HOME.

I CAN'T RISK IT. THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM,

MY CLOTHES WERE OFF IN, LIKE, 10 SECONDS FLAT. DON'T SAY IT.

SAY WHAT?

JUST WHATEVER YOU'RE THINKING, JUST DON'T SAY IT.

OKAY.

OKAY.

SORRY.

LET'S GO.

[JAZZ RESUMES]

-YOU COMING? -THIS IT? YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T BE TRYING SO HARD OUT THERE WITH THEM.

-IT'S A LITTLE BIT-- -WHO?

WELL, WHO DO YOU THINK?

YOU KNOW IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU DO. IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'RE GONNA,

YOU KNOW, SCREW YOU TONIGHT.

EASY, TIGER. I'VE NEVER CHEATED ON MY WIFE

OR ANY OTHER WOMAN FOR THAT MATTER. I'M NOT ABOUT TO START NOW.

-I KNOW. I'M JUST-- -I JUST LIKE TO TALK BIG.

WELL, I KNOW THAT, TOO.

MMM.

[SIGHS]

MOM'S REALLY STARTING TO WEAR OFF ON YOU.

SHE'S NOT THAT BAD.

SHE'S NOT A ROLE MODEL EITHER.

I KNOW THAT.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD SLOW DOWN JUST A LITTLE BIT,

YOU KNOW, SO YOU'RE STILL SEMICONSCIOUS

WHEN OUR NEW FRIENDS GET BACK.

WHY DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF?

'CAUSE I'M-- I'M NOT HERE TO IMPRESS ANYONE.

BUT YOU MIGHT HAVE A CHANCE.

WITH IDA?

I DON'T THINK YOU'VE BEEN LISTENING TO HER.

SHE'S REALLY NOT INTO ME.

NO, NO, NO. ALISON.

ONCE YOU GET PAST

ALL THAT REPRESSED SOCCER MOM CRAP,

SHE'S KIND OF A KNOCKOUT.

SHE'S KIND OF MARRIED. HERE.

YEAH. SOUNDS PRETTY MISERABLE.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF BLOW-JOB TALK.

I'D SAY YOU HAVE BETTER THAN AVERAGE ODDS

OF GETTING AT LEAST SOME OF THAT ACTION TONIGHT.

I COULD NEVER MESS AROUND WITH A MARRIED WOMAN.

YEAH. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

[DOOR CREAKING]

OH. [CHUCKLES]

WOW.

YOU DON'T THINK WE GAVE THEM THE IMPRESSION THAT...

ANYTHING WAS GONNA HAPPEN TONIGHT, RIGHT?

WHAT, LIKE SEXUALLY?

[CHUCKLES] NO.

I MEAN, UNLESS YOU WANT SOMETHING TO HAPPEN.

IDA, I'M MARRIED.

SO AM I.

WELL, YEAH, TECHNICALLY, BUT...

I TOOK MY WEDDING VOWS JUST LIKE YOU DID,

AND UNTIL I FILE FOR DIVORCE,

I PLAN TO KEEP 'EM.

I MEAN, IF I WAS GONNA CHEAT,

I THINK I COULD DO A LITTLE BETTER THAN A LAWYER.

[LAUGHS] WHAT ABOUT SWEATPANTS?

HE'S KINDA CUTE...

IN, LIKE, A DROWNING PUPPY KIND OF WAY.

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

[BOTH LAUGH]

YOU KNOW, THE GREAT THING ABOUT TONIGHT IS THAT

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,

IT'S NOT GONNA BE ANY SEX.

[JAZZ RESUMES] [CLUNK]

[CLARK] THERE'S A STEP THERE.

ANOTHER ONE. HOW MANY STEPS THIS PLACE HAVE?

OH. [WOMAN SQUEALS]

[YELLING]

SHIT. WHO ARE YOU GUYS?

[CLARK] I'M SO SORRY. WE'RE JUST, UH--

I'M CLARK, AND THIS IS WILL.

HEY. WE'RE JUST LEAVING.

THAT DOES NOT RING ANY BELLS WITH ME.

WHOA. WHOA, WHOA. EASY, EASY. HEY, I'M AN ATTORNEY.

THIS IS OBVIOUSLY AN INCONVENIENT TIME FOR YOU GUYS.

-LET'S GO. LET'S GO. -WE WILL GET GOING.

OKAY, BUT BEFORE YOU GET GOING,

WILL YOU TELL ME WHY YOU'RE IN MY LOFT?

YOUR WIFE IDA SENT US UP.

[CLARK] IT'S A WHOLE--YEAH.

-YOU'RE MARRIED? -SEPARATED.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

IT'S AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER.

IT REALLY IS, ISN'T IT?

[WILL] SO SORRY.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

HOW'S IDA DOING THESE DAYS?

[CLARK] UM...

HOW IS-- WELL, TRUTHFULLY,

SHE'S BURYING A LOT OF STUFF. I THINK SHE'S COVERING A LOT UP...

I DON'T THINK HE NEEDS A WHOLE PSYCHOLOGICAL BREAKDOWN.

NO, NO, IT'S COOL. I WANT TO KNOW.

HEY, GUY, HI. CAN WE MAYBE HAVE THIS DISCUSSION ANOTHER TIME?

THIS IS JUST GONNA TAKE A FEW MINUTES. BUT SERIOUSLY

IDA'S NOT RETURNING MY E-MAILS ANYMORE. DO YOU KNOW IF SHE'S GETTING THEM--

I WOULD NOT GET INTO THE WHOLE E-MAIL SITUATION WITH YOU...

I THINK SHE'S...

WE REALLY HAVEN'T KNOWN HER THAT LONG,

AND I THINK WE PROBABLY NEED TO GET GOING.

YOU'VE KNOWN HER LONG ENOUGH TO GET THE KEYS TO OUR LOFT.

SHE WANTED MARIJUANA FROM YOU,

AND SHE SENT US UP--

[WILL[ WHY DON'T WE JUST GET GOING?

OKAY. OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

THAT MAKES MORE SENSE.

SHE WON'T RETURN MY LETTERS,

BUT SHE'LL SEND 2 RANDOM DUDES...

-CLARK, -YOU DON'T--

I DON'T KNOW IF WE'RE RANDOM DUDES.

OH, NO OFFENSE.

YOU GUYS JUST SEEM TO BE RANDOM TO ME. GIRLS?

-RANDOM. -DEFINITELY.

GIVE IDA MY REGARDS, WILL YOU?

OH. OKAY. I GUESS-- THIS IS A LOT.

I DON'T KNOW IF WE NEED ALL THIS.

DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE IT BACK?

NO. THIS IS GOOD. THANKS.

OKAY. ALTHOUGH, DO YOU HAVE, LIKE, SOMETHING TO SMOKE-- PAPE--

-A BONG. -A BOWL.

-SMALL BONG OR SOMETHING. -YEAH.

A SMOKING THING. HERE'S A VARIETY

OF THEM ON MY TABLE. WOULD YOU LIKE ONE?

NOT THAT. THAT'S A FAMILY HEIRLOOM, YOU JACKASS.

JUST GRAB THIS. THANKS.

SORRY FOR INTERRUPTING YOUR ORGY.

-READY? -YOU GUYS LOOK SO--

ACTUALLY, WHILE I'M HERE, CAN I ASK YOU...

-NO. - A QUICK QUESTION?

YOU GUYS ARE BOTH BISEXUAL?

STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.

CAN YOU JUST TELL ME

WHEN DID YOU DISCOVER

THAT YOU WERE...

YOU KNOW, GOOD WITH WOMEN OR THAT YOU LIKED WOMEN?

HE'S NOT TRYING TO BE SLEAZY.

HIS WIFE LEFT HIM FOR A WOMAN.

-REALLY? -OHH.

OH, SHIT. BUMMER, DUDE. DO YOU WANT TO SIT DOWN?

-REALLY? -OKAY...

THANK YOU.

IT'S THE NOT KNOWING THAT'S THE HARDEST PART.

DID SHE KNOW THE WHOLE TIME?

DID IT JUST HAPPEN ONE DAY, OR WHAT?

WAS SHE PRETENDING I WAS A WOMAN THE WHOLE TIME?

YOU SHOULD ASK HER.

YOU KNOW, SPEAKING FOR MYSELF,

I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT WOMEN'S BODIES

WERE BEAUTIFUL, BUT I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW

HOW I FELT ABOUT IT UNTIL I TRIED IT.

ME NEITHER. I'M SURE YOUR WIFE THOUGHT SHE WAS STRAIGHT,

BUT ONCE SHE LET HERSELF GO THERE, SHE REALIZED SHE WASN'T.

YEAH. I MEAN, NO ONE'S REALLY STRAIGHT, ANYWAY.

- THAT'S TRUE. -IT'S TRUE.

NO, I'M PRETTY SURE I'M DEFINITELY STRAIGHT.

OH, DON'T BE SILLY.

SEXUALITY IS LIKE A COLOR SPECTRUM.

NO ONE'S REALLY ON ONE SIDE OR THE OTHER.

EVERYONE'S SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN, LIKE DIFFERENT SHADES.

GUESS THAT MAKES ME 100% SHADE OF STRAIGHT.

WOW, MAN. HAVE YOU EVER TRIED IT?

BEING WITH A GUY?

NO. HAVE YOU?

SURE, FEW TIMES.

IT'S HOW I TOTES KNOW I'M STRAIGHT.

[WILL] AFTER A FEW TIMES?

YEAH. THAT'S THE THING. GUYS THINK IT'S TOTALLY NORMAL,

EVEN HOT FOR WOMEN TO EXPERIMENT WITH THEIR BISEXUALITY,

-IN HIGH SCHOOL, COLLEGE... -RIGHT, RIGHT.

OR IN YOUR SITUATION.

AFTER 13 YEARS OF MARRIAGE?

THEY'RE ALL IN THAT MARRIAGE.

BUT THEN THOSE SAME GUYS ARE SO ARROGANT

THAT THEY TURN AROUND, SAY, "NO, NO, NO.

I KNOW I'M TOTALLY STRAIGHT," WITHOUT CHECKING.

[CLARK] YEAH.

[JAKE] IT'S BULLSHIT.

YEAH. LIKE IT COULD HAVE BEEN ME

AS MUCH AS IT COULD HAVE BEEN HER, RIGHT?

LIKE THERE'S-- THERE'S A WORLD

WHERE I'M THE ONE THAT FINDS OUT HE'S GAY

LATER IN LIFE, RIGHT? IF-- YOU KNOW?

BUT YOU'RE NOT GAY.

[CLARK] NO, I'M JUST SAYING HOW CAN WE BE SURE?

[WILL] OK, YOUR FASHION SENSE FOR STARTERS.

OH, GOD, THAT'S SUCH A STEREOTYPE.

[GIRL 2] THEY'RE IN DENIAL.

I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING.

YOU CAN'T REALLY KNOW UNTIL YOU TRIED IT, MAN.

I'M THINKING YOU GUYS SHOULD MAKE OUT.

NO. WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR A LONG TIME. IT'D BE WEIRD.

YEAH.

I MEAN, EVEN IF I WAS GAY, HE WOULDN'T BE MY TYPE.

EXCUSE ME. WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

AND...

I'LL MAKE OUT WITH YOU IF YOU WANT.

REALLY?

YEAH.

[WILL] Y-YOU'RE GONNA KISS THIS GUY?

YOU BEING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?

[CLARK] NO, THIS IS A GOOD-- THIS IS...

[JAKE] JUST LET IT HAPPEN.

CLARK.

WOW.

SO...?

[[VOMITS] - [JAKE] OH, SHIT.

OH, GOD.

THAT'S NOT COOL, MAN.

[COUGHS] YOU SURE WE SHOULDN'T WAIT

TILL WE GET OUT THERE WITH THEM?

NAH, THEY'LL BE FINE.

BESIDES, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE SOBER

WHEN YOU TELL IDA THAT YOU MADE OUT WITH HER HUSBAND?

I'M NOT TELLING HER.

HE'S PROBABLY E-MAILING HER

THE JUICY DETAILS RIGHT NOW.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO TELL HER.

YOU THINK I'M HOMOPHOBIC?

BECAUSE YOU MADE OUT WITH A GUY?

NO, 'CAUSE I MADE OUT WITH A GUY...

FUCK. AND THEN THREW UP.

THAT'S REALLY RUDE.

THIS GUY WAS GOING OUT OF HIS WAY

TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR ME,

AND I FEEL BAD, 'CAUSE HE WAS ACTUALLY--

THAT GUY WAS AWESOME.

HE WAS COOL, AND IT DID...

I SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO HIM A LITTLE.

LISTEN. TAKE MY WORD. NO ONE IN THAT APARTMENT

EVER WANTS TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN.

IT'S NOT A GOOD MEMORY FOR THEM, WHAT WE DID IN THERE.

I TEND TO HAVE THAT EFFECT ON PEOPLE.

LITTLE BIT.

[COUGHS]

CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

I REALLY DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT KISSING THAT GUY.

NO, IT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT THE OTHER TIME YOU THREW UP.

YOU GOTTA BE MORE SPECIFIC.

CHILDBIRTH...

IS IT REALLY THAT HORRIBLE?

THE GOOD NEWS IS

YOU'RE NOT THE ONE THAT HAS TO DO IT.

AND JUST DON'T LET HER SEE THAT YOU'RE SCARED,

AND THAT'S ABOUT ALL YOU CAN DO.

OH, AND DON'T LET ANYONE CONVINCE YOU TO EAT THE PLACENTA AFTERWARDS.

I'M BEING SERIOUS, MAN. I MEAN,

I JUST-- LOOK, I GUESS IT'S JUST, LIKE, AFTER THE BIRTH,

YOU KNOW, OKAY, SHE HAS THE KID,

BUT THEN THEY GIVE YOU THIS SOFT-SKULLED,

SLIPPERY, SLIMY, LITTLE MUTANT,

- KIND OF HAND IT TO YOU. - A BABY.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

WELL, ARE YOU ASKING FOR PARENTING ADVICE?

YES, I AM. I GUESS, YES,

I AM ASKING YOU FOR PARENTING ADVICE.

WELL, THE FIRST THING YOU SHOULD KNOW

IS THAT YOUR LIFE, AS YOU KNOW IT, IS-- YOU KNOW, IS DONE.

FANTASTIC.

I'M SERIOUS,

AND IT WON'T MATTER TO YOU,

BECAUSE EVERYTHING THAT YOU FELT WAS IMPORTANT

WILL NO LONGER BE IMPORTANT.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR LIFE,

YOU WILL KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO REALLY LOVE SOMEONE.

SOUNDS PRETTY SPECIAL.

YEAH. IT HAS ITS MOMENTS.

I HOPE SO.

[CLARK] AND, YOU KNOW, I TOTALLY GET WHAT YOU'RE SAYING

ABOUT HIM BEING GENUINELY COOL.

[WILL] DEFINITELY.

I FELT COOL JUST BEING NEXT TO THE GUY.

- AND THE TWO WOMEN HE WAS WITH... - RADIANT GODDESSES.

I THINK WE'VE GOTTEN THE POINT. THANKS.

NOBODY COVERED UP. NOBODY COVERED UP.

I KEPT EXPECTING SOMEBODY TO PUT SOMETHING ON.

THEY WERE JUST TOTALLY COMFORTABLE NAKED.

[CLARK] I THINK WHEN YOU'RE THAT PERFECT...

- NUDE. - YEAH, YOU DON'T EVEN

CARE ABOUT NUDITY. YOU'RE NEVER EMBARRASSED,

AND YOU'RE SO COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR BODY.

- IF ONLY I COULD-- - OKAY!

[CLARK] JESUS.

SOMETHING WRONG?

NO, NOTHING IS WRONG. YOU JUST--

YOU JUST WATCHED MY HUSBAND

HAVE A RADIANT GODDESS THREESOME.

THEN YOU FRENCH-KISSED HIM,

LEFT US IN THE CAR WHILE YOU SMOKED YOURSELVES BRAIN-DEAD.

NO, N-NOTHING'S WRONG.

WHOA, HOLD UP. IN CLARK'S DEFENSE,

THERE WAS NOT NEARLY ENOUGH TONGUE

FOR THAT TO BE CONSIDERED A BONA FIDE FRENCH KISS.

- THAT WAS-- - YEAH, THANK YOU.

- THAT WAS... - EXPERIMENTAL.

I MEAN, IT WAS LIKE A LITTLE BIT...

- AT BEST... - A PECK.

YEAH, BUT WE HONESTLY

DIDN'T THINK THAT YOU WOULD THINK ANYTHING OF THIS.

I MEAN, AFTER READING ALL THOSE E-MAILS,

THIS IS TAME IN COMPARISON.

OKAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M CALLING FOR CHINESE FOOD.

WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING?

HONEY, DON'T DO THAT. JUST TAKE A SECOND.

SERIOUSLY, TAKE-- JUST TAKE A BIG BREATH.

HE'S PROBABLY NOT GONNA PICK UP.

YEAH, HE'S PROBABLY BUSY UP THERE.

HE'S GOT HIS HANDS FULL, I'D SAY, WITH--

OH, MY GOD. CAN YOU STOP THE CAR, PLEASE?

I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR THE ANSWERING MACHINE.

SO I'M JUST GONNA KEEP CALLING UNTIL YOU PICK UP.

HI.

NO, LET ME JUST START THE CONVERSATION

BY SAYING FUCK YOU.

CAN'T BELIEVE HE PICKED UP.

I BET HE'S REGRETTING IT NOW.

YOU ARE SUCH AN INFANT.

IF YOU'RE TRYING TO GET BACK AT ME,

LIKE, WOW, WOW, JAKE, YOU REALLY SHOWED ME.

WAIT. WHY IS HE GETTING BACK AT HER?

- I THOUGHT-- - EXCUSE ME.

LITTLE LESS EAVESDROPPING, MAYBE, WOULD BE NICE.

YEAH, BUT SHE LEFT THE DOOR OPEN, SO I MEAN...

...HE LOVES ME SO MUCH

THAT HIS TINY, LITTLE MAN-BRAIN

CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO COPE WITH IT ALL.

NO, BUT I WAS SO WRONG, WASN'T I?

ALISON WAS RIGHT.

YOU ARE JUST A WALKING, TALKING ERECTION.

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

NO, YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE

WHO CAN DEAL WITH THEIR PROBLEMS BY SCREWING RANDOM STRANGERS.

NO, IT'S NOT A THREAT.

I AM GOING TO HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH SOMEONE TONIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE ONE OF THOSE TWO LOSERS I SENT UP TO SEE YOU.

WHO CARES? I'LL PROBABLY JUST FLIP A COIN

OR PLAY EENY, MEENY, MINEY, MOE.

LET'S GO.

[IDA] WHAT?

OH, YOU-- YOU HEARD ALL THAT OUT THERE?

WHAT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND

IS THAT YOU WERE JUST TRYING

TO MAKE YOUR HUSBAND JEALOUS.

SOON-TO-BE EX-HUSBAND,

AND I DON'T REALLY CARE IF I MAKE HIM JEALOUS.

IN FACT, I DON'T CARE

WHAT THAT DIPSHIT THINKS ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE.

RIGHT, BUT WHAT THESE GUYS

DON'T UNDERSTAND, BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW YOU LIKE I DO,

IS THAT YOU WOULD NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE...

HAVE MEANINGLESS REBOUND SEX?

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO?

OKAY, WELL, MAYBE WHEN YOU WERE IN YOUR...

20s, BUT...

EENY, MEENY, MINEY...

YOU'RE GONNA PICK ONE OF US?

[IDA] WHY NOT?

AH BECAUSE THAT'S DISGUSTING AND DEGRADING AND VILE.

WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY, ACTUALLY,

IT'S JUST KIND OF LAME THAT YOU WOULD LEAVE IT TO CHANCE.

WHY NOT STEP UP AND...

- YOU KNOW, DO YOU HAVE A PREFERENCE? - MAKE A CHOICE.

WE'RE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE HERE.

YOU GOT FREE WILL.

YOU'RE KIND OF BOTH THE SAME TO ME.

I MEAN, I'VE NEVER SLEPT WITH A NICE GUY

AND NEVER SLEPT WITH A LAWYER,

SO EITHER WAY, THIS IS GOING TO BE A NEW EXPERIENCE FOR ME.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS JOKE IS OVER.

NOBODY'S LAUGHING. I THINK WE CAN DROP IT NOW.

I, FOR ONE, AM OFFENDED.

I DON'T APPRECIATE BEING TREATED LIKE A SEX OBJECT.

I'M OFFENDED FOR YOU. IT'S A LITTLE PRESUMPTUOUS

TO THINK JUST BECAUSE YOU MIGHT DECIDE

TO DO THAT, THAT WE WOULD JUST GO ALONG WITH IT.

OH? IS THAT RIGHT?

IT IS RIGHT. THIS IS A MARRIED MAN,

AND MY FRIEND HAS NEVER CHEATED ON HIS WIFE.

HE'S NOT ABOUT TO START TONIGHT.

RIGHT. YEAH, PROBABLY NOT.

AND THIS GUY'S GOT THE STOMACH OF A NEWBORN,

SO, WELL, YOU KNOW, HE MIGHT THROW UP ON YOU.

I WOULD NOT.

OKAY, OBVIOUSLY WE ALL KNOW

MY SISTER'S NOT SLEEPING WITH ANYONE TONIGHT,

SO THAT'S THE END OF THAT.

I AM GLAD THAT YOU ARE SO SURE.

I MEAN, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GONNA DO ANY NIGHT.

NONE OF US DO. ISN'T THAT KIND OF

WHAT MAKES LIFE INTERESTING?

HMM?

LET'S GET WASTED.

ACTUALLY, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WERE IN HERE

WHEN BETTY SAID THAT WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SMOKE

- INSIDE THE LIMO. - OH, YEAH.

HEY, BETTY, IF WE GIVE YOU AN EXTRA 200 BUCKS,

CAN WE SMOKE IN THE LIMO?

[BETTY] YEP. JUST ROLL DOWN THE WINDOWS.

THANK YOU.

PACK IT.

[BALLAD PLAYING]

♪ I CAN SEE IT, I CAN SEE IT ♪

♪ I CAN SEE IT, I CAN SEE IT NOW ♪

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO ♪

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT IT ♪

♪ I CAN SEE IT, I CAN SEE IT ♪

♪ I CAN SEE IT, I CAN SEE IT NOW ♪

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO ♪

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT IT ♪

♪ I CAN SEE IT, I CAN SEE IT ♪

♪ I CAN SEE IT, I CAN SEE IT NOW ♪

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO ♪

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT IT... ♪

[LAUGHING]

I FEEL LIKE DRUGS ARE STRONGER NOW

THAN WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER.

I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS.

THAT'S GREAT. [LAUGHS]

YOU KNOW, IT'S BAD ENOUGH YOU GUYS LEFT THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP,

BUT YOU GUYS CAN'T GO OUT THERE LIKE THIS.

YOU'RE SUCH A STICK-IN-THE-MUD.

WE'RE JUST GOING FOR A SWIM.

A SWIM? I CAN'T PARK AT THIS HOUR.

CAN'T REALLY CLOSE THE OCEAN.

YEAH.

- THAT WOULD BE LIKE CLOSING THE SKY. - AND THE SUN.

LIKE A BLADE OF GRASS.

OKAY, HIPPIES,

LISTEN VERY CLOSELY.

THIS ISN'T WOODSTOCK.

THIS IS MY JOB,

SO PLEASE GET BACK IN THE CAR,

BEFORE WE ALL GET IN TROUBLE.

[CLARK LAUGHING]

SORRY. [GIGGLES]

THAT IS A REALLY WEIRD LAUGH.

THAT SOUNDS WORSE THAN I REMEMBER.

RACE ME TO THE OCEAN. [LAUGHS]

[AIRPLANE ROARING]

♪ I CAN SEE IT, I CAN SEE IT ♪

♪ I CAN SEE IT, I CAN SEE IT NOW ♪

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO ♪

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT IT... ♪

WHAT IS SHE SCARED OF, THE BEACH POLICE?

[LAUGHS] THEY'RE GONNA GET US?

THEY'RE GONNA GET YOU!

♪ I CAN SEE IT NOW

♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO... ♪

FREEZE! FREEZE! IT'S THE BEACH POLICE!

♪ AND I WILL FOLD MY ARMS

♪ FOR THE REST OF MY DAYS

♪ AND YOU CAN CLOSE YOUR EYES ♪

♪ FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE ♪

[LAUGHING]

♪ AND WE CAN SHUT OUR MOUTHS ♪

♪ FOR THE REST OF THIS LIFE ♪

♪ AND WE CAN TURN AROUND

♪ AND NOT ASK WHY.

FEEL.

YOU KNOW THE FEEL.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[ALISON LAUGHS]

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

[AMPLIFIED] GET OUT OF THERE!

[SONG ENDS]

COME OUT OF THERE.

[NORMAL] WHAT, YOU CAN'T READ?

WE CLOSE AT SUNSET.

YOU CAN'T CLOSE THE OCEAN.

THAT'S TOTALLY ABSURD.

WELL, UNFORTUNATELY IT'S ALSO MY JOB.

BUT WE'RE HAVING FUN.

I CAN SEE THAT.

- WE'RE SO HIGH. - OH, NO.

- PARDON ME? - SHH.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA ARREST US, ARE YOU?

IS THAT WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE? ARE YOU ARRESTING--

I CAN'T GO TO JAIL. I HAVE KIDS, SIR.

I HAVE KIDS. I HAVE KIDS. I HAVE A KID.

I HAVE ONLY ONE, BUT SHE'S SO ATTACHED TO ME.

CALM DOWN. I DON'T HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO ARREST ANYBODY,

BUT IF YOU PEOPLE DON'T MAKE IT TO YOUR VEHICLES

IN THE NEXT FIVE SECONDS,

THEN I'M GOING TO CALL SOMEONE WHO CAN.

- THANK YOU. - AND PUT ON SOME CLOTHES!

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

UM...

WHERE'S THE CAR?

THE CAR? WHERE ARE OUR CLOTHES?

[ALISON] DO YOU THINK SOMEONE STOLE THEM?

YEAH, PEOPLE JUST LURK AROUND PARKING LOTS

LOOKING TO STEAL CLOTHES.

WELL, OBVIOUSLY SOMEONE TOOK THEM.

MAYBE WE'RE JUST IN THE WRONG LOT.

ARE THERE OTHER LOTS?

SURE, ALL UP AND DOWN THE BEACH.

WHAT ARE YOU TALK-- IT'S OBVIOUS WHAT HAPPENED.

YOUR SCREWY DRIVER LEFT US.

[SCOFFS] MY DRIVER?

THE DRIVER THAT YOU HIRED LEFT US HERE, YEAH.

OH, SO IT'S MY FAULT?

CATEGORICALLY YOUR FAULT.

YOU KNOW, EXCUSE ME FOR TRYING TO GIVE YOU A TIME-OUT

FROM THE BORING BLACK HOLE YOU CALL A LIFE.

THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT ME.

DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DID THIS ALL FOR ME.

THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN AN EXCUSE FOR YOU

TO TAKE A BREAK FROM YOUR PROBLEMS.

NOTHING'S WRONG WITH MY LIFE.

I'M NOT THE ONE WHO WISHES HE DIDN'T DROP OUT OF GRAD SCHOOL

TO BECOME A PREP SCHOOL TEACHER.

NO YOU'RE THE ONE THAT GOT A WOMAN PREGNANT

THAT YOU HATE, THEN MARRIED HER.

AT LEAST SHE'S STRAIGHT.

CAN WE GET BACK TO THE FACT

THAT WE'RE STRANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

WITHOUT ANY CLOTHES ON?

YEAH, ONLY, SOME OF US MANAGED TO RETAIN OUR BRASSIERES.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

IF YOU WANT TO MAKE A FEDERAL CASE ABOUT THIS,

I'M SORRY THAT I'M NOT ASHAMED ABOUT MY BODY

AND THAT I DON'T ROLL OUT OF BED

AND JUST THROW ON THE OLD YOGA PANTS,

THROW MY SPLIT ENDS IN A PONYTAIL,

AND WALK OUT THE DOOR.

WELL, I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT THAN MY APPEARANCE.

OF COURSE. THE PRESSING ISSUE OF GETTING TO KINDER BALLET

AND SWIM LESSONS WITHOUT LOSING THE STRING CHEESE. RIGHT. I FORGOT.

OH, IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?

YOU'RE JEALOUS THAT I'M A MOM.

WELL, I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY THAT YOU CAN'T HAVE A BABY.

I AM SORRY.

I'M SO SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

NO, DON'T BE.

I ACTUALLY-- I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.

'CAUSE YOU THINK IT'S EVERY WOMAN'S GOAL IN LIFE TO BE A MOTHER.

JAKE FEELS THE SAME WAY, AND HE ALMOST CONVINCED ME.

BUT YOU KNOW THE FIRST THOUGHT I HAD WHEN I GOT PREGNANT

WAS, "NO,

I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP MY AMBITIONS

AND MY HOPE AND MY IDENTITY

THE WAY ALISON DID,"

SO I GOT RID OF IT.

WHAT?

I HAD AN ABORTION, ALISON.

NO, YOU DIDN'T.

I DID, AND THEN I HID IT FROM YOU, BECAUSE I KNEW YOU WOULD NEVER UNDERSTAND.

AND I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

YOU HAD AN ABORTION,

YOU RUINED YOUR MARRIAGE,

AND YOU MOVED BACK IN WITH OUR MOM

SO YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE LIKE ME?

WELL, AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T HURT MY FEELINGS.

[CLARK] WAIT. WHAT DID--

WHERE'S SHE GOING?

YOU CAN'T GO UP THERE DRESSED LIKE THAT! WAIT!

NO, YOU'RE GONNA END UP ON A MILK CARTON!

IT'S COMING!

[SOBBING]

GO ON. GET IN.

WHY'D YOU DRIVE AWAY?

TOLD YOU THERE WAS NO PARKING.

COP WAS GONNA GIVE ME A TICKET.

WHERE ARE OUR CLOTHES?

WHAT CLOTHES?

PSYCH.

HONESTLY, I WOULD HAVE LEFT YOU GUYS HERE,

BUT AFTER ALL THAT, I DIDN'T WANT TO FOREGO

THE ENORMOUS TIP YOU WERE GONNA GIVE ME.

I'M SUPPOSED TO GIVE YOU A TIP?

I'M GONNA PRETEND I DIDN'T HEAR THAT.

JUST SO YOU KNOW, NEXT TANK OF GAS IS ON YOU GUYS.

I GOT THE ALL-INCLUSIVE DELUXE PACKAGE.

OKAY, FINE. I'LL BUY THE GAS.

[DOG BARKING]

FINE. I'LL SAY IT.

YOU WERE RIGHT.

THIS WHOLE NIGHT WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA.

I'M SORRY.

[IDA] I'M SORRY, TOO.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY ALL THAT STUFF I SAID BACK THERE.

I KNOW YOU ARE.

I AM, TOO.

I'M NOT SORRY.

WELL, THAT'S VERY BIG OF YOU.

YEAH. I WAS HAVING FUN OUT THERE.

BEFORE ALL THE SAVAGE HONESTY BEGAN, RIGHT,

THAT WAS-- THAT WAS FUN.

SURE.

[ALISON] I GUESS.

AND THE NIGHT'S NOT OVER YET.

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

I'M DONE.

[ALISON] DITTO.

STICK A FORK IN ME.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOTTA DO, GO HOME, GET INTO BED,

PICK DIANE'S LONG, BRISTLY HAIRS OFF THE PILLOW,

WAIT FOR HER TO GET HOME TOMORROW, BUG YOU ABOUT CLEANING THE LITTER BOX.

THAT'S THE FIRST THING SHE'S GONNA DO WHEN SHE WAKES UP.

WHY DON'T YOU CLEAN IT BEFORE SHE GETS UP?

NOT A CHANCE.

ARE YOU DESPERATE TO GET BACK TO YOUR MOM'S RETIREMENT COMMUNITY IN RANCHO MIRAGE?

OKAY, IT'S PALM DESERT, SWEATPANTS,

AND YOU KIND OF HAVE A VALID POINT.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME THAT YOU WERE OUT

WITHOUT YOUR HUSBAND OR DAUGHTER?

LET'S FACE IT. YOUR SOCIAL LIFE

ISN'T THAT MUCH DIFFERENT THAN MINE.

OKAY, THAT'S JUST PLAIN MEAN.

SO WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING?

BETTY, HI.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE REFUELING,

COULD YOU TAKE US SOMEPLACE BEAUTIFUL?

IT'S A STRANGE CITY, ISN'T IT?

ALWAYS LOOKS SO MUCH BETTER AT NIGHT.

AND FROM FAR AWAY.

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE WOULD WANT TO LIVE IN A CITY

THAT'S SO CLEARLY UNSUITED TO SUSTAIN LIFE.

WE SHOULD SLEEP TOGETHER.

- EXCUSE ME? - I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

YOU HAD MENTIONED IT EARLIER,

AND I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN ONTO SOMETHING.

I'M CONFUSED AND UNHAPPY,

AND YOU'RE CONFUSED AND UNHAPPY,

AND YOU THINK I'M NICE,

AND I THINK YOU'RE STUNNING AND INTERESTING

AND QUITE POSSIBLY THE MOST TERRIFYING WOMAN I'VE EVER MET.

OKAY, I CAN'T TELL IF YOU'RE BEING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.

HE'S NOT.

I AM. WHY SHOULDN'T WE?

MIGHT DO US SOME GOOD.

STOP EMBARRASSING YOURSELF.

SHE WAS JUST MAKING FUN OF US BEFORE.

WERE YOU?

NO, NOT-- NOT ENTIRELY.

OH, COME ON. ADMIT IT.

YOU'D NEVER SLEEP WITH A GUY LIKE HIM.

OKAY, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME,

AND YOU DON'T GIVE YOUR FRIEND ENOUGH CREDIT HERE.

HE'S A REALLY UNIQUE PERSON.

IDA.

YOU KNOW WILL'S RIGHT.

YOU TWO CAN ARGUE AND JOKE AROUND

AND EVEN FLIRT ALL NIGHT LONG,

BUT THE HARD TRUTH IS PEOPLE WHO LOOK LIKE YOU

DON'T SLEEP WITH GUYS LIKE HIM.

UNLESS MAYBE HE HAD A PRIVATE JET OR SOMETHING.

WOW, THAT'S REALLY A TERRIBLE THING TO SAY.

'CAUSE IT'S THE TRUTH?

OKAY, YOU TWO HAVE NO RIGHT

TO GIVE ANYONE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.

COME ON, LOVER BOY.

SHE'S BLUFFING.

I KNOW.

[SCOFFS] IT'S RIDICULOUS.

WHERE YOU GOING?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'M NOT GONNA STAND AROUND LIKE A FOOL

WHILE THEY ARE DOING WHATEVER THEY'RE DOING IN THERE.

WAIT.

WAS THAT ALL FOR THEIR BENEFIT?

I DON'T KNOW.

GUESS YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIND OUT.

HMM.

I LIKE THIS DECISIVE NEW YOU.

YEAH. IT'S WORKING PRETTY WELL SO FAR.

ALTHOUGH, BETTY CAN YOU SEE US?

THERE ARE SOME SECURITY CAMERAS.

ARE YOU ALLOWED TO TURN THEM OFF?

[BETTY] NOT A CHANCE.

WAIT. ARE YOU GUYS PLANNING ON HAVING SEX IN MY CAR?

MAYBE.

[BETTY] THEN DON'T WORRY

I'D RATHER CLAW MY OWN EYES OUT THAN WATCH YOU.

THANK YOU?

ALSO THERE'S A TRASH BIN. USE IT.

PRETEND I DIDN'T HEAR THAT.

THAT'S SO-- YEAH.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

PROBABLY HAVING SEX RIGHT NOW.

CAN YOU IMAGINE?

I'D RATHER NOT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE DOES IT.

I COULD NEVER SLEEP WITH SOMEONE I JUST MET,

NO MATTER HOW ATTRACTED TO HIM I WAS.

[CHUCKLES] GOOD FOR YOU.

DON'T BE A JERK.

MAYBE YOU AND IDA ARE RIGHT. MAYBE I'M FRIGID.

YOU ARE NOT FRIGID.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

JUST A FEELING.

ARE YOU IMPLYING SOMETHING?

OF COURSE NOT.

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE FEELING BACK THERE AT THE BEACH.

ME? I WASN'T FEELING ANYTHING.

WHAT COULD I HAVE POSSIBLY BEEN FEELING?

I WOULDN'T KNOW.

NEITHER WOULD I.

GOOD, BECAUSE I WASN'T FEELING ANYTHING,

AND I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT.

OBVIOUSLY. NEITHER WAS I.

OBVIOUSLY.

BUT EVEN IF I WAS...

FEELING SOMETHING?

WHICH I WASN'T.

OF COURSE NOT.

I WOULD NEVER ACT ON IT.

BECAUSE YOU'RE FRIGID?

BECAUSE I'M MARRIED.

OH, YEAH. THAT, TOO.

OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE BEING ABSURD.

- SORRY. I'M NOT-- - JUST KISS ME.

- I'M NOT GONNA BITE YOU. - SORRY.

- DID I-- WHAT? - NO. I DON'T KNOW.

- I DON'T KNOW. - OKAY.

I DON'T KNOW. THAT WAS WEIRD. SORRY.

OKAY. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, NOW YOU'RE MAKING ME ALL WEIRD.

- NOW I'M THINKING ABOUT IT. - SORRY.

I'VE KISSED, LIKE, HUNDREDS OF GUYS.

SO WHY IS THIS SO WEIRD?

- I DON'T KNOW. - OKAY.

HUNDREDS? OH.

BUT, OK, SO HOW ABOUT...

COUNT OF THREE?

- ALL RIGHT.

- OKAY. - 1, 2, 3.

YOU OKAY?

[SNIFFLES]

UM...

NO, I'M GOOD. I'M GOOD.

THIS ISN'T-- THIS ISN'T 'CAUSE OF YOU.

- UM... - IDA.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THI-- WE DON'T-- THIS IS SILLY FOR--

I WANT-- I WANT TO DO THIS.

YOU OBVIOUSLY STILL LOVE YOUR HUSBAND, AND...

IT'S OBVIOUS?

YEAH.

FUCK...

GOD, LOVE IS THE WORST, ISN'T IT?

YEAH, IT REALLY IS.

I'M SO SORRY.

NO, DON'T, PLEASE.

DON'T SAY THAT. THIS WAS WONDERFUL.

THIS REALLY-- THIS WAS ENOUGH FOR ME.

AH, SEX IS THE WORST.

- YOU DON'T MEAN THAT. - YES, I DO.

IF YOU ARE FRIGID,

YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL.

WITH MY SEXLESS EXISTENCE?

EXACTLY.

MY WIFE AND I WERE HAVING SEX

HALFWAY THROUGH OUR FIRST CONVERSATION.

- AND THAT'S BAD? - YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

WE USED TO DO IT ALL THE TIME,

NOT JUST ORDINARY SEX.

IT WAS GREAT.

GREAT SEX?

SOUNDS TERRIBLE.

WELL, UNTIL WE STOPPED TO CATCH OUR BREATH

AND REALIZED THAT EXCEPT FOR IN BED,

WE ARE COMPLETELY INCOMPATIBLE.

AT LEAST YOU'RE COMPATIBLE IN BED.

YEAH, WELL, THOSE YEARS ARE LONG GONE.

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

YEAH?

SIMON AND I USED TO JUST BE INSATIABLE,

AND NOW--

NEVER MIND. I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M TELLING YOU THIS.

-WHAT? -YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHAT? I'M SMARTER THAN I LOOK.

YEAH, YOU'D HAVE TO BE.

[CHUCKLES] THANK YOU.

YOU OLD CHARMER.

I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS...

HE USED TO TOUCH ME, AND I...

I LOVED IT.

I MEAN, IT REALLY TURNED ME ON,

AND THEN...

SOMETHING HAPPENED AFTER SARA WAS BORN.

WE WERE HAVING SEX,

AND HE WAS KISSING MY BREASTS, AND I...

MY DAUGHTER HAD JUST BEEN BREAST-FEEDING

30 MINUTES BEFORE,

AND SHE WAS GONNA BE BREAST-FEEDING AGAIN IN TWO HOURS,

AND I LOOKED DOWN AT MY...

I LOOKED AT MY VAGINA, AND IT JUST LOOKED SAD,

JUST LOOKED SO TIRED, LIKE I'M DONE,

LIKE I'VE DONE THIS BEFORE, AND I--

I DON'T-- I'M-- I DON'T KNOW.

THAT WAS IT.

IT WAS LIKE...

THE PASSIONATE PART OF MY LIFE WAS OVER,

AND THAT WAS OKAY,

'CAUSE I LOVE MY DAUGHTER,

AND I LOVE MY HUSBAND.

THAT'S-- I DON'T KNOW. THAT'S ENOUGH.

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU'VE HAD SEX?

LIKE NINE MONTHS.

YOU DON'T MISS IT?

HOW LONG FOR YOU?

WELL, FOR ME, IT'S, I GUESS, FOUR MONTHS,

THREE DAYS, AND ABOUT SIX HOURS.

-SIX HOURS? -YEAH.

WELL, WHO NEEDS SEX, ANYWAY?

THERE YOU GO.

THAT'S-- THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

I DON'T NEED IT.

DEFINITELY NOT.

YEAH, NOT US.

IS THIS A GOOD IDEA?

I REALLY DON'T THINK SO.

YEAH, PROBABLY NOT.

♪ I WOULD SAY

♪ I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING ♪

♪ BUT I KNOW ALL THE GOOD WILL BE GONE ♪

♪ IT IS CLEAR

♪ YOU SADLY HAVE TO LEAVE NOW ♪

♪ SO I'LL WAVE GOOD-BYE

♪ GOOD HEART.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

SHIT.

-SHIT. -WHAT'S THE MATTER?

OH, NOTHING. I ONLY JUST MADE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE.

YOU MEAN ME.

I DON'T MEAN YOU.

I JUST MEAN THE WHOLE--

NAH, IT'S OKAY. I GET IT.

I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY.

THEY'LL BE BACK SOON.

ALISON'S JUST TRYING TO MAKE A POINT.

WHAT POINT?

WHO KNOWS?

ARE YOU WORRIED YOUR KIDS ARE ALREADY UP?

NO, BUT I SHOULD BE GETTING HOME.

I DON'T WANT THEM TO KNOW THAT I'M A PARTY ANIMAL WHO

STAYS UP ALL NIGHT SMOKING REEFER

AND BEDDING STRANGE WOMEN.

SECRET'S SAFE WITH ME, SWEATPANTS.

THANK YOU.

OKAY, JUST TO WARN YOU,

MY SISTER'S GOING TO GIVE US

A MONUMENTALLY HARD TIME ABOUT SLEEPING TOGETHER.

WELL-- WE DIDN'T SLEEP TOGETHER.

TRY TELLING HER THAT. YOU KNOW HOW SHE IS.

SHE GETS A VICARIOUS THRILL

OUT OF PEOPLE BEHAVING BADLY,

ESPECIALLY WHEN ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE IS ME.

SURE WILL'S GONNA THROW A FEW BARBS MY WAY, TOO.

I-- I KIND OF DON'T CARE. SCREW HIM.

WHAT?

WE HAVE NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT,

AND EVEN IF SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED,

I WOULDN'T BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT.

THANKS.

-HEY. -HEY.

MORNING.

IS IT?

YOU DON'T THINK THAT THEY...?

THAT WASN'T A VERY GOOD IDEA.

IT REALLY WASN'T.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYING]

♪ OH

♪ OH, THERE SHE GOES

♪ ALWAYS BARKING SO FIERCE ♪

♪ AND YOU KNEW

♪ IT WAS NEVER SO CLEAR

♪ BUT YOU KNOW IT WAS ALL JUST FOR SHOW ♪

♪ TIME, TIME...

[SONG FADES]

HEY. WAIT UP.

YOU GONNA BE OKAY?

ARE YOU?

I DON'T KNOW.

THANK YOU FOR TONIGHT, ALI.

-IDA. -YEAH?

WHAT DO I DO?

ABOUT WHAT?

ABOUT MY LIFE.

ARE YOU...

ARE YOU ASKING ME FOR ADVICE RIGHT NOW?

[BOTH LAUGH]

YOU GO HOME, AND YOU JUST TELL SIMON THE TRUTH

ABOUT EVERYTHING, NOT JUST ABOUT TONIGHT.

AND THEN YOU JUST...

SEE HOW IT PLAYS OUT.

THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE.

YEAH.

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO?

MM-HMM.

CALL ME LATER.

REPEATEDLY.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

OKAY, BE SAFE.

YOU BE SAFE.

WE'LL BE GOOD.

YOU SLEEP OFF THOSE WINE COOLERS.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYING]

WHERE TO NOW, GENTLEMEN?

WOULD IT BE OKAY IF I CRASH

AT YOUR HOUSE FOR A FEW DAYS?

YEAH.

[ENGINE STARTS]

HOME, PLEASE.

PLEASURE.

THANKS FOR TONIGHT, WILL.

NO PROBLEM.

WE SHOULD DO IT AGAIN SOMETIME.

YEAH.

MAYBE COUPLE OF YEARS?

SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

YEAH.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYING]

♪ NAME 10 THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE ♪

♪ AND THEN GO DO THEM

♪ NAME 10 PLACES YOU REALLY WANT TO BE ♪

♪ BEFORE YOU DIE AND THEN GO TO THEM ♪

♪ NAME 10 BOOKS YOU WANT TO READ BEFORE YOU DIE ♪

♪ AND THEN GO READ THEM

♪ NAME 10 SONGS YOU WANT TO HEAR AGAIN ♪

♪ BEFORE YOU DIE, GET ALL YOUR FRIENDS TOGETHER ♪

♪ AND SCREAM THEM

♪ BECAUSE RIGHT NOW

♪ ALL YOU HAVE IS TIME, TIME, TIME ♪

♪ YEAH, BUT SOMEDAY THAT TIME WILL RUN OUT ♪

♪ THAT'S THE ONLY THING

♪ YOU CAN BE ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN ABOUT ♪

♪ THINK OF ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ AND THEN FIX THEM

♪ THINK OF ALL THE THINGS

♪ THAT YOU LOVE ABOUT YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ BE THANKFUL YOU ARE BLESSED WITH THEM ♪

♪ THINK OF ALL THE THINGS THAT HOLD YOU BACK ♪

♪ AND REALIZE THAT YOU DON'T NEED THEM ♪

♪ THINK OF ALL THE MISTAKES ♪

♪ YOU HAVE MADE IN YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ MAKE SURE THAT YOU NEVER REPEAT THEM ♪

♪ BECAUSE RIGHT NOW

♪ ALL YOU HAVE IS TIME, TIME, TIME ♪

♪ YEAH, BUT SOMEDAY THAT TIME WILL RUN OUT ♪

♪ THAT'S THE ONLY THING

♪ YOU CAN BE ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN ABOUT ♪

♪ NAME 10,000 REASONS WHY YOU NEVER WANT TO DIE ♪

♪ GO AND TELL SOMEONE WHO MIGHT HAVE FORGOTTEN ♪

♪ TRY TO LIST THE ENDLESS REASONS ♪

♪ WHY IT'S GOOD TO BE ALIVE ♪

♪ AND THEN JUST SMILE FOR A WHILE ABOUT THEM ♪

♪ SOON THE SUN WILL RISE

♪ AND ANOTHER DAY WILL COME

♪ SOON ENOUGH, THE SUN WILL SET ♪

♪ ANOTHER DAY WILL BE GONE

♪ AND RIGHT NOW

♪ ALL YOU HAVE IS TIME, TIME, TIME ♪

♪ YEAH, BUT SOMEDAY THAT TIME WILL RUN OUT ♪

♪ THAT'S THE ONLY THING

♪ YOU CAN BE ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN ABOUT. ♪

[NEW SONG PLAYING]

♪ WHEN PERFECT HEARTS

♪ THEY DON'T WORK ANYMORE

♪ WHEN PERFECT HEARTS

♪ THEY DON'T WORK ANYMORE

♪ THEN WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO CLOSE THIS DOOR? ♪

♪ WHEN PERFECT HEARTS

♪ THEY DON'T WORK ANYMORE

♪ AND ALL YOU HEARD WAS I

♪ DON'T WANT YOU, I

♪ AND ALL YOU HEARD WAS I

♪ DON'T HAVE THE TIME

♪ AND ALL YOU HEARD WAS I

♪ DON'T WANT YOU, I

♪ AH, IN MY LIFE

♪ WHEN PERFECT HEARTS

♪ THEY DON'T WORK ANYMORE

♪ WHEN PERFECT HEARTS

♪ THEY DON'T WORK ANYMORE

♪ THEN WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO CLOSE THIS DOOR? ♪

♪ WHEN PERFECT HEARTS

♪ THEY DON'T WORK ANYMORE

♪ AND ALL YOU HEARD WAS I

♪ DON'T WANT YOU, I

♪ AND ALL YOU HEARD WAS I

♪ DON'T HAVE THE TIME

♪ AND ALL YOU HEARD WAS I

♪ DON'T WANT YOU, I

♪ AH, IN MY LIFE.