Original subtitles

WOMAN: There are two different ways of getting into a swimming pool.

The first way, you take your toe...

And you carefully test the water's temperature.

And if that feels okay, slowly get into the water,

letting your body adjust to the cold.

Then there's the second way of getting into a pool.

Ah! WOMAN: You jump.

That's me, Mary Katherine Gallagher.

It's nice to meet you. (CHUCKLES)

Okay. Now, they say that God works in mysterious ways.

And in my case, very mysterious.

Anyway, this is my story, and you should pay attention

'cause it's starting right now.

Mmm.

(COUGHING)

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. (COUGHING)

Your birthmark looks like shit.

So, you're okay?

Yeah.

Lifeguard! (LAUGHS)

Ah!

MARY: I grew up in a little town called Besamee Heights.

It's this really friendly place

where everyone likes to say, "Hi."

MAN: Hi, there. WOMAN: Hi, neighbor.

MARY: I grew up in what people called the ugliest house,

with the ugliest lawn and the ugliest dog.

(GROWLS)

(SQUEALING)

MARY: My mom and dad died in this horrible accident when I was a baby,

so my grandmother took care of me.

And my grandmother was in an accident, too.

Actually, most of my family had gotten hurt at some point.

We're sort of accident prone.

(GROANS)

I'm off.

MARY: Now, my grandmother used to always say that when I grow up,

I should become a businesswoman.

But I didn't really think about business,

mostly because I couldn't stop thinking about the one thing

that I wanted more than anything in the world.

A kiss. A big Hollywood fireworks type of kiss.

So each night before I went to bed,

I would pray for God to help me.

And please, God, send me someone to make out with

and tongue kiss like this.

(SLURPING)

Then one day while me and my grandmother

were watching some old movie, it hit me.

There was only one way I'd ever get what I wanted.

I would have to become exactly like those people

I saw getting kissed in the movies.

I would have to become...

A superstar.

Ooh, ah.

(SINGING AVE MARIA)

MARY: This is St. Monica's.

It was the first place I really thought

I had a chance of making my dream come true.

(RECITING THE LORD'S PRAYER)

(WHISPERING) Superstar!

Amen.

WOMAN: Shh.

Sorry.

MARY: So I tried out for every star-making activity that St. Monica's offered.

Higher. Higher. Like ballet.

(GRUNTS) Ooh! Oh.

MARY: And my gymnastics tryout didn't go very well either.

(WHISTLE BLOWS) (GRUNTS)

Whoa!

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

MARY: Evian Graham, the most beautiful, most popular,

most bulimic girl at St. Monica's.

Summer, Autum, I need your help.

Yes, Evian? Yes, Evian?

We could either organize a walkathon to fight multiple sclerosis,

or a bike-athon to fight polio.

What'll it be?

ALL: Hmm?

MARY: All the boys liked her,

I think because she had a nice body.

(GIRLS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Ah. What are you looking at, boobsweat?

Nothing.

It's called a bra, Mary.

But don't worry. You'll never need one.

(GIRLS LAUGH)

(SNAPS)

Ah! Ow!

You hurt my titty.

I'm sorry.

You had a little spot there on your brassiere,

and I was just trying to...

Wipe it off.

I'm sorry.

MARY: I got this after-school job

at Kip's Video Warehouse as the rewind girl.

So that I could study as many superstars as possible.

I thought the more movies I watched,

the more they'd rub off on me,

and people said that they did.

Especially movies like Carrie,

starring academy award winner, Sissy Spacek.

(DOG GROWLING) (MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV)

What are you doing?

I'm using my telekinesis

to kill the girl who threw pig's blood on me at the prom.

Okay.

MARY: Kip also had those made-for-television movies which I love.

Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

It has been two days since my last confession.

Go ahead. Tell me your sins, my child.

Father, my sins would best be expressed

in a monologue from the made-for-TV movie Sybil,

starring the young Miss Sally Field

as a woman with multiple personality disorder.

Go ahead.

Ah, look at you,

my pretty little girl,

sitting there with her face all painted up

and a little halter top.

You're nothing but a little slut.

Don't call me that. I'm a Puerto Rican lady, senor.

We all know you're a slut, Sybil Anne Dorsett.

We know you're a little slut.

No, I'm not! I'm not a slut!

I'm not a slut! I'm not a slut!

I'm not a slut! I'm not a slut! I ain't no slut!

(CONGREGATION MURMURING)

Sorry. Sorry.

(MUTTERING)

I'm not a slut.

No big deal.

MARY: The more I kept trying to become a superstar,

the less they thought I was one.

In fact, they had all these other names for me.

Hey, lesbo.

Dogface. Panty stain.

And they also called me... BOY: Skid mark.

GIRL: Nipple hair.

Lame. Loser.

Did I say lesbo?

Are you aware that I am rubber and you are glue,

and everything that you say to me

bounces off of me and sticks to you?

So put that in your back pocket. Okay.

(MURMURING)

(GASPS)

MARY: And then I saw the one who I wanted to kiss.

SKY: Sam, what's up? Hey, Greg.

Dig the sneaks. Thanks.

Debbie, shaved your legs.

Hey, Tom, sorry your dad's dead.

MARY: It was him.

Sky Corrigan.

The best guy dancer in the school.

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

* Don't stop it

I call this one the pepper mill.

* Don't stop, Don't stop it *

Enjoy.

* Don't, Don't, Don't, Don't stop it *

Uh-oh. Is that the prettiest girl in all of St. Monica's?

(CHUCKLES)

All signs point to "yes." (CHUCKLES)

SKY: I bet you put that cherry lip gloss on just for me.

Shut up. You shut up.

No, you shut up.

Make me shut up.

Okay.

SKY: I like sugar.

Sugar is sweet.

I had a really good time on our date last night. Did you?

I wore this kiwi lime lip gloss just for you.

You like it? Huh?

You like kiwi?

(CHUCKLES) Shut up.

You shut up. 'Cause you're sexy.

Shh. Shh.

I'm gonna spank you. You wanna be spanked?

Huh? You want me to spank your booty?

I'll spank it. I'll spank it. I'll spank you.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

(MOANS)

Oh, God.

Oh, my body.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Sorry. Sorry. I was...

I was just...

I was just doing my part to save the rain forest.

Sorry.

Mary, you're a special girl,

so special that we're going to put you in special ed.

What are you doing with your hands?

Sometimes when I get nervous,

I stick my fingers under my arms,

and I smell them like that.

(INHALING)

(GROANS)

FATHER: The universe, how does it work?

The earth circles around the sun.

Mary, welcome to special ed.

My name is Helen Lewengrub.

Is that all you got?

MARY: She was center for the girls basketball team,

and she was a lean, mean fighting machine.

Do you have a best friend?

You wanna be my best friend?

Maybe. (CHUCKLES) Okay.

I have to be really honest with you.

Your intense energy is making me feel a little bit bombarded.

Sorry.

Really.

When I call your name, just say, "Here." Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?

Howard Feinstein? Hmm?

Yo! Present.

Howard thinks all the girls in school wanna sleep with him,

and the boys, too.

You wanna quit looking at me, fruity.

I don't play butt darts, okay?

I love the ladies.

FATHER: (CLEARS THROAT) Owen Flanagan?

Here. Here. Here. Here. Here.

Owen has obsessive compulsive disorder.

He says everything like five times. (CHUCKLES)

Maria Ganitisis? Here.

But, uh, the devil speaks for me, obviously.

What?

FATHER: Ah.

Thomas Smith? Here.

But I don't, like, know where here is, man, 'cause I'm so wasted, man.

Thomas, stop pretending that you're high on drugs.

It is a sin to even pretend

that you're, you're, you're baked.

Whoo.

He's too scared to actually take drugs.

Drugs are bad.

Eric Slater? Hmm?

Retard! Ha-ha-ha!

FATHER: Would you please go back to your own class?

Please! Go!

(MOANING)

FATHER: Mr. Slater, I presume.

Hmm?

How come he's not answering?

Slater just transferred here from public school.

He's crazy. They say he chopped up his parents.

And now he never talks.

(CLEARS THROAT) Let's try it again, hmm? Eric Slater? Hmm?

Yes, well, moving on. (CLEARS THROAT)

(CHURCH BELL DINGS INDISTINCT)

(CHUCKLES) Hey, new friend.

Did you see that sign they're putting up?

Catholic Teenager magazine presents,

the "Let's fight venereal disease talent contest."

"Winner gets a free trip to Hollywood,

"and a chance to be an extra...

BOTH: "In a movie with positive moral values."

Oh, god.

MAN 1: Miss Gallagher! (CROWD SCREAMING)

Miss Gallagher, so how does it feel to be an extra

in a movie with positive moral values?

It feels okay.

MAN 2: Miss Gallagher.

How does it feel to have everyone wanna kiss you

that particular way you wanna be kissed?

Miss Gallagher, how does it feel to be a superstar?

MARY: This was my chance.

If I could win the talent contest,

Sky's lips would definitely be mine.

Hey, everybody. I dreamt of this new dance move last night.

I call this the fax machine.

(BUZZING) Oh! (CHUCKLES)

I wish I could dance with Sky Corrigan.

Sky's definitely the swayziest,

but you know he's gonna dance with Evian. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah! Exactly! You did it perfectly. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) Oh. Oh.

(REVVING)

What do you think Slater would do in the talent show?

Maybe he'll murder some people

and make a flesh coat by sewing their skin hides together.

(GROANS)

I'm sorry. I was rewinding Silence of the Lambs

at the video store yesterday.

* Isn't it romantic

* Merely to be young

* On such a night

* As this

* Isn't it romantic

(GROANS)

* Merely to be young

* On such a night as this

* Sweet

* Singing in the moonlight *

Yeah!

MAN: (OVER RECORD PLAYER) Introductions are important.

When introducing oneself, first make eye contact.

With a confident smile, say, "Hi. I'm..."

Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Not bad. Try again.

(INHALES DEEPLY) Hi. I'm Mary Katherine Gallagher.

And where is your hand?

Right here.

In a new friend's hand, that's where.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)

(SLURPING)

So, I was... (CLEARS THROAT)

I was saying before that I was thinking of entering the talent contest.

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) The talent contest?

No, no! You have to study business.

But, but... No buts!

(CRICKETS CHIRPING) MARY: And forgive those who trespass against us.

Please, God, convince my grandmother to let me be in the talent show

so that I can get kissed, maybe by Sky Corrigan.

(WHISTLING)

Superstar!

(BELL TOLLING) (BIRDS CHIRPING)

The body of Christ.

The body of Christ. Amen.

The body of Christ.

Are these non-fat?

(GRUMBLES)

(CHOIR SINGING AVE MARIA) (HEELS CLACKING)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(WHISPERING) Hey, Mary. Why so glum?

My grandmother won't let me audition for the talent show.

The only boy willing to go near me is Howard.

Mmm.

Just, like, audition anyway and don't tell her.

(LAUGHS) You really think so?

Yeah.

That's it.

You're feeling sad,

so you know what it's time for?

What?

Supermodel Documentary Hour.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(MOANS)

Shall I look straight here?

(IN A EUROPEAN ACCENT) I was just walking down the street one day,

and a man come up to me and he said,

"Would you like to be a supermodel?"

And I said, "Oui."

And the next day, I'm in New York, on the cover of Vogue.

(BOTH WHOOPING)

(IN A EUROPEAN ACCENT) Christy Turlington and Naomi Campbell

are two of my very best friends.

And when we get together, it's just like,

total, total and utter insanity.

Insanity! Yes.

It's like... It's like, three of the most gorgeous girls raising hell.

(CAMERA CLICKING CONTINUES)

Problem, ladies?

(WHISPERS) Sorry, Father Ritley. Sorry.

(CHOIR SINGING CONTINUES) Sorry, everybody.

Sorry.

(GIGGLING)

(TAPE REWINDING)

Excuse me.

(CLATTERING) Whoa. Sorry.

(TAPE THUDS)

You're cool?

You scared me.

Yeah, I'm okay.

Your boss sent me back here to find a movie.

Hey, don't you go to my school?

Yes, I do.

Listen, I'm looking for a made-for-TV movie from the '70s

starring John Travolta, The Boy in the Plastic Bubble?

That's my 19th favorite made-for-TV movie of all time.

That's my 19th also.

Wow.

Yeah.

"All around me. Plastic."

"A bubble for me..."

"To be..."

"Germ-free. You..."

"And me."

"And me."

Sky!

Forget that stupid old movie.

I'm getting Flubber again.

SKY: Uh, okay, Evian.

Hey, nice meeting you.

Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Sky. Sky!

Be kind. Rewind.

Okay. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

That's funny.

SKY: Evian?

(TAPE WHIRRING)

Mary, rewind this.

(TAPE PAUSES) Oh, sure.

The Boy in the Plastic Bubble. Hmm.

I used to watch that movie all the time.

See you. Bye.

GINA: Listen, I'll be back later to help you get inside, okay?

(QUOTING TOD FROM TAPE) "Is he the one you're going with?"

(QUOTING GINA) "Who says I'm going with anybody?"

(QUOTING) Tod, put your face up against the plastic.

What for?

(QUOTES GINA) "I did what you wanted me to do. Now, do it.

"Do it. Do it."

Mmm.

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(HUMMING)

Hey, Mare.

What you, what you doing? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Well, I was just doing the robot.

It's something that I was thinking about possibly doing for the talent show.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

Hi, Mary.

I like to do all I can to help the challenged.

So, a word of advice...

I wouldn't say "superstar" anymore

because some people might say that you super suck.

Go suck your boyfriend's ding-a-lings.

Go shave your mustache, Helen.

Or should we say Geraldo?

Got to go jog for glaucoma. Bye.

Evian, you're a super ass!

(GIGGLING CONTINUES)

Evian does have a super ass.

HELEN: Oh, I know.

That's okay, well...

That's okay.

(SNIFFS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING AND LAUGHTER)

Hey, Mare.

You want half of my Sloppy Joseph?

No, thanks.

It's time to feed the retard!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey! Cut it out!

What, do you want to make something out of this? (SNIGGERS)

Maybe you want some of my salad all over your face!

Yeah! Whoo! (SCREAMS)

(SNIGGERING CONTINUES)

Mmm.

(SIGHS)

Helen, have you ever kissed a boy before?

Owen kissed me five times on the cheek once.

Really? Hey, Owen.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

I don't mean on the cheek.

Okay, who do you want to kiss?

Todd, peanut butter and jelly. Classic.

Vivica, low-fat salad.

Sky Corrigan.

But, Mare, Sky's taken.

(SIGHS)

You should kiss Howard.

Ugh.

He likes you.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Mr. Feinstein, pope-a-licious. I love it.

Hey, Mary.

I saw you outside doing that robot thing.

You have some nice moves.

Thank you.

You have some nice moves.

(ECHOES) You have some nice moves.

Nice moves.

Moves.

May I have... This dance?

* Everybody dance now

* Everybody dance now

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoo! * Everybody dance now

* Left to right

* Work me all night

* Come on, let's sweat

* Baby

* Let the music take control

* Let the rhythm move you

* Sweat

* Sweat

ALL: Father, Son and Holy Ghost!

* Let the rhythm move you

(CHEERING AND WHOOPING)

Yeah!

(SCATTING CONTINUES)

ALL: Fame!

(GRUNTS)

* Everybody dance now

SKY: Mary.

What are you doing?

Sometimes I...

I get low blood sugar and it...

It makes me feel a little bit shaky.

Sorry. Sorry.

(SPUTTERS)

(COUGHING)

(BANGS TABLE)

How is the, um, talent competition coming?

Quite well.

I don't want to point the finger of blame, but...

Who broke the good toaster?

(WHIRRING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER TV)

(WHIRRING CONTINUES) (BARKING AT A DISTANCE)

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

(SOFTLY) These are my breasts.

Oh, God, they're so big.

I just need a big bra to strap them back

and support them because they're so huge.

They need to be hooked and strapped in for support.

They're my big boobs.

This one is bigger than this one.

(IN BABY'S VOICE) 'Cause this is the mommy, and that's the baby.

And this one is very nice to this one and they hold hands.

'Cause they're friends, okay?

MARY: And forgive those who trespass against us.

Amen.

Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.

Good night, candle.

(SIGHS) Good night, God.

Good night, Mary.

(GASPS)

Oh, my God!

Oh, my me!

How are you?

It's going okay.

Are you the Lord?

Well, to you I am.

See, technically, you're like in this REM sleep state,

and I'm a mixture of your mind's images of God,

some past authority figures,

uh, Sky and your dad.

Basically, your subconscious came up with me

to help you deal, dig?

Yeah.

Uh, you want a glass of water or something?

No, I'm good. I'm God.

Oh, right.

Is this your stereo? Yep.

CD player, huh? Yep.

We don't have these. Oh, you don't...

(SPIRIT IN THE SKY PLAYING ON STEREO) (HUMMING)

* Spirit in the sky, in the... *

That song's about me.

(HUMS) (SONG ENDS)

Mary, I know your soul is troubled.

And I'm here to guide you.

Okay.

My child, during this time of great adversity,

I want you to do one thing.

Get jiggy with it.

What?

You know. Get jiggy with it.

* Na, na, na, na, na, na

* Na-na-na-na na-na-na-na *

Ow!

I'm... I'm very sorry,

but I... I don't know exactly what the word "jiggy" means.

The point is, I work in mysterious ways.

I mean, out there.

Listen to your heart.

Do whatever it tells you,

and... And go with the Godly flow.

Oh, and most important... Yeah?

When you wake up in the morning... Huh.

...audition.

* Na, na, na na, na, na

* Na, na, na,na, Na na, na, na, na *

(INSECTS TRILLING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGING)

(RINGING STOPS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING AND LAUGHTER)

(MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

Good afternoon, ladies.

You're all looking quite, uh, lovely this afternoon.

What do you want?

She probably wants to try out for the squad.

I was actually wondering if any of you would be kind enough

to show me the sign-up sheet for the auditions.

Oh, right. She's a superstar.

As president of the catholic cheerleaders against VD Foundation,

I can't let you sign up for the audition. Sorry.

But I want to sign up for the auditions.

Mary, fighting VD isn't a joke.

It's a very serious disease!

Besides, Sky and me are going to win anyway.

Hey, guys, I got a new cheer.

Evian?

* John the Baptist lost his head... *

(YELLS) Evian! (SCREAMS)

(GIRLS GASPING)

I'm really sorry that I pushed you.

It was an accident. (INDISTINCT MURMURING)

I just really want to sign up for the auditions.

Well, I'm really sorry that I pushed you. (GRUNTS)

(GIRLS LAUGH)

But I just can't let hymenly-challenged dogs sign up for the auditions.

BOTH: Ooh!

Well, you know what?

You're a very mean girl,

and you're going to go to hell for saying that.

(GIRLS JEERING) You're a really pushy girl,

and I might just want to kick your ass.

Ooh! Yeah?

Well, I just might want to kick your ass!

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

Well, come on, super sucks.

If I was Sissy Spacek in the movie Carrie,

I would use my telekinesis to kill you!

(LAUGHING)

You know what, Mary?

Not yet.

I'm sorry.

EVIAN: Mary, you know why your parents died?

Because you're such an embarrassment,

they couldn't bear to live anymore.

MARY: You know what, Evian?

You should really be embarrassed

because your parents named you after bottled water.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(GASPING)

(GRUNTING)

Hey, is there, is there a problem here?

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

My titties!

Yeah!

(EVIAN THUDS) Hey.

Yeah!

(WHIMPERS)

(SCREAMING)

Karate kick.

I rewound those Jackie Chan movies.

FATHER RITLEY: Nevertheless.

Evian, I'm disappointed in you.

At this school, any student, including Mary,

is allowed to make a fool of herself at the auditions.

I'm suspending you for the rest of the day.

But, Father Ritley, I didn't... Evian.

Father Ritley,

the person you wanted to see is on her way.

Ah, well, send her in when she gets here.

You are so dead.

Go drink a bottle of yourself.

Mmm! (CHOKES)

(SQUEALING)

Evian, Mary, stop that!

(SHRIEKING) Mary! Stop it!

Ahh!

Evian, you're dismissed.

(MUFFLED) I hate you.

"Go drink a bottle of yourself?"

Miss Gallagher...

Miss Gallagher, what's that horrible thing you said to Sister Eileen?

I told her to move her big, white butt

or I would cold-cock her honky ass.

To Sister Eileen?

Why would you say such a thing?

The video store where I work

got Spike Lee movies.

Ah, yes, yes. You're the, uh...

You're the rewind girl at Kip's video.

Yes, I am.

Well, Mary, let's pretend that your life's a movie, shall we?

We rewind it. It ends.

You're dead. How was it?

My feelings would best be expressed in a monologue

from the made-for-TV movie Portrait of a Centerfold

starring Miss Lori Singer from Footloose.

If you must.

It excites me, Daddy.

Don't you see?

I like it when the men look at me.

You try to keep me trapped here in this small town

like a little animal.

But I am busting out, Daddy!

I'm going to see the world,

and the world is going to see me! (TAPS DESK)

They're going to see all of me, Daddy.

All of me! Mary!

All of me! Mary, stop that!

Look! Look at me! Stop that!

What are you doing with my grandchild?

Nothing!

We were... (CHAIR WHIRRING)

(CLEARS THROAT) Mrs. Gallagher,

I called you here today to discuss your granddaughter's problem.

Now, upon reflection, I think a combination of prayer and Ritalin

could eliminate her excess energy.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) GRANDMA: How dare you!

My Mary has no problem.

My granddaughter is a star.

What?

Look at that face.

She looks like a young Elizabeth Taylor.

Oh.

You may call her hyperactive.

But if the good Lord gave her excess energy,

then, by God, no one's taking it from her.

If you don't appreciate that,

maybe the problem is not my granddaughter.

Maybe the problem is this school.

(GULPS)

I'm taking her home. (CHAIR WHIRRING)

Mrs. Gallagher!

Good day to you, sir. Mary!

Mrs. Gallagher, listen to reason please.

(SCREAMS)

MARY: I couldn't believe my grandmother told Father Ritley I was a star.

She'd never said that before.

She'd also never run over a priest before.

Sorry.

Evian, I can't believe he suspended you.

It so wasn't your fault.

Thank you. I know.

Mary started the whole thing.

Thank you. I know.

Hold on a second.

I've been through a trauma and I need a moment.

(RETCHING)

(FLUSHES TOILET)

(BOTH SIGH)

And now Father Ritley is letting her audition.

That is the last time I try to help someone.

She is so going to regret this.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Oh, I got to go, guys.

That's probably Sky.

Bye, Evian. Bye, Evian.

Hi, Sky.

Do you miss me as much as I miss you so much?

Evian,

I saw what you did to Mary today.

Not too ladylike. I think we need to talk.

EVIAN: Is something wrong?

Look, I can't talk right now.

But you just called me.

Look, I got to go. I'll, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Meet me at the gym. Bye.

(LINE DISCONNECTS)

Hmm.

MAN: (ON TV) ...throughout the New England area.

They've been hit hard this winter,

but the South remains warm.

Grandma, why did you tell Father Ritley that I was a star?

I was just talking.

Because that's... That's what I want to be.

I really want to audition.

You want to be a businesswoman.

That's what you want!

Don't you understand?

This is everything I've ever wanted.

This is everything I've ever hoped for.

I just want my life to begin.

Dreams can come true, you know?

And when Johnny comes back from the war,

we can start a family

and begin our life together on the farm.

And if the crop's are good this year... Mary!

(WHIMPERS)

Could I please, please, please, please audition?

No.

Please?

No.

You're horrible!

You're horrible!

(MAN SPEAKING ON TV CONTINUES)

(WHIMPERING)

(YELLING) You're horrible!

(GRUNTING)

You're horrible! (DOOR SLAMS)

You're horrible!

Horrible!

Mary.

(SOBBING) Leave me alone!

I didn't want to do this.

But it's time I told you how your parents died.

What does that have to do with the talent contest?

Everything.

I thought you said that Mom and Dad were savagely ripped apart

and eaten by a school of hammerhead sharks.

I just told you that to make you feel better.

What I'm about to tell you now is the truth,

so help me God. (THUNDER RUMBLES)

17 years ago,

your parents entered the Besamee Heights'

annual step-dancing competition.

You mean, step-dancing like in Riverdance?

That's nothing to what your parents could do.

My mother taught it to me. I taught it to your mum.

But so help me, Mary,

you will never step-dance

as long as I walk this... Wheel around the earth.

The year you were born,

the step-dancing competition was fierce.

(IRISH MUSIC PLAYING) A couple named O'Shea

looked like they'd be the first to beat your mum and dad.

(MUSIC PLAYING STOPS) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

But your mother was determined to keep her title,

no matter what it took.

(IRISH MUSIC PLAYING CONTINUES)

It began well enough.

Your parents ate up that stage.

Just when it looked as though your parents would be triumphant again,

the unthinkable happened.

Fat Teddy McGinty's belly struck the record player, (WHIRRS)

accidentally turning up the speed.

And the step-dancers began stepping quicker and quicker, trying to keep up.

And that's when your mother fell. ROSEMARY: Whoa.

And she took your dad down with her.

And before the dancers could stop themselves,

(SPLATTERING)

they stomped your parents to death.

(ALL GASPING)

Oh, Mary, I know you want to perform,

but when you're a businesswoman,

you'll be sitting behind a desk all day, safe.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (BLOWS)

Rotate!

Oh, is that all you got? Come on!

(WHISPERING) Sky and Evian are breaking up.

(GASPS) Oh, my God!

Mare, Sky and Evian are going to break up.

Sky's going to break up with Evian!

Really? Come on!

(EVIAN CHATTERING)

Here he comes.

Evian, it's Sky. (GASPS)

Hi, Sky.

What did you want to talk to me about?

I think it would work for me if we broke up.

Oh. (GASPS) (INDISTINCT MURMURING)

I... I don't understand.

This is such a shock. What's wrong?

Now you're giving me attitude.

(INDISTINCT MURMURING) (CHUCKLES)

Just tell me what I did wrong.

Listen, we talked about this last night

till I was blue in the face.

We're just growing in different directions.

I mean, you're this way and I'm... I'm that way.

Oh. You're here. I'm there.

And there's no one right in here.

So it's over.

(VOICE BREAKS) Just like that. It's over.

(STAMMERS) You're telling me that it's over.

I guess so.

Hey, Bartholomew, nice name.

(SCREAMING) (GIRLS GASPING)

(CHOKING)

(INHALES) NURSE: Just breathe.

MARY: Poor Evian.

HELEN: Lucky you.

Sky's a single slice of beefcake now.

And he's on the rebound.

It's like so obvious that you two are going to hook up.

You really think so?

Remember, he said you have nice moves.

Well, that means he was looking at your body,

which means he thinks you're doable.

So basically, he asked you to sleep with him.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) Oh, my goodness.

This relationship is moving too fast.

Go talk to him before somebody else dates him.

Really?

Go. Go. Go. I don't know.

Okay.

Excuse me.

Hey, Sky. Hey, Mary.

Hey, what's up? What's up?

Um, Sky, I know...

That you haven't been single for a long time

or anything like that, but I was wondering...

(BREATHING RAPIDLY) If... If...

Oh, God! Oh!

Give me some sugar.

(GROWLING)

MARY: Oh, God, you smell so good.

Oh, no! Oh, God.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Sorry.

It's going to be okay. It's going to be all right.

Now you have to audition for the show.

'Cause that way Sky could see how talented you are,

and he will definitely kiss you.

Really? You think so?

Totally. Wow.

MARY: Sky, promise me,

after you destroy the meteor that's headed towards earth,

you'll come back and kiss me.

I promise, babe.

* All my bags are packed

* I'm ready to go

* I'm standing here Hmm.

* Outside your door

* I hate to wake you up to say good-bye *

(OTHERS HUMMING) Mary, I don't know how to tell you this.

But I just want you to know that

I'm really going...

Can you shut the hell up?

(HUMMING STOPS) I'm trying to talk!

Hmm.

You got to go. No.

You have to get off me. No!

Mary, please get off me.

No! No!

Get the hell off me!

(SOBBING) No! I want to stay!

Get off me! There's a meteor coming! No!

Get off me! No!

Mary, did you rewind the tape? The customer's waiting.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. (TAPE EJECTS)

Now come on. It's $2 Tuesday.

(EVIAN GRUNTS)

(EXHALES) (PIANO PLAYING)

(CLEARS THROAT) Evian!

Good to see you.

Out walking for scoliosis again?

Oh, no, Mrs. Corrigan.

I just came by to give Sky this.

Aw. Is he home?

Yes, he's just...

Actually, can you wait a moment?

SKY: No, definitely not. No way.

I'm sorry. Sky's not home.

Oh. Okay.

Then could you tell him

if he wants to talk to... (YELLS) Give me a call?

Don't want to talk. Go away!

Okay, I'll tell him if I see him.

Nice knowing you.

Oh, but wait.

I'm still going to see you around, aren't I?

Oh. Now you're giving me attitude?

I'm not giving you attitude.

Just tell me what I did wrong!

What are you going to do, hit me, too?

Hey, Evian, I made up a new dance move.

It's called the "move on with your life."

Ha!

I did the fax machine for you!

(SCREAMING)

(PANTING)

Mary Katherine Gallagher must die.

No, I do like you.

But it's too soon.

You just broke up with her. We can't.

(GIGGLES)

Stop making me laugh.

Shh.

(MOANING) (ENGINE SPUTTERING)

(GASPS)

Oh, dear God, please make this crazy kid go away.

Go away. Go away. Go away.

Dear God, please make this crazy kid go away.

(ENGINE REVS)

(BRAKES SCREECH)

What do you want from me?

My journal.

Thanks.

A flower.

Thanks.

(THOMAS WHOOSHING)

Mmm-hmm.

(GRUNTING)

Thank you, Thomas, for that tribute to Star Wars.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE) Very, uh, astounding.

Like I was there.

Well, we seem to have a lot of...

I feel really good about our chances, don't you, Sky?

Do you hear something, Dylan? No.

'Cause it sounds like someone I used to go out with

acting like we're still going out, (CHUCKLES)

even though we're definitely not.

DYLAN: Definitely not.

No. Game over.

(DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA PLAYING)

* The devil went down to Georgia

* He was looking for a soul to steal

* He was in a bind 'cause he was way behind

* And he was willing to make a deal

* When he came across this young man

* Sawing on a fiddle and playing it hot

* And the devil jumped up on a hickory stump

* And said, "Boy, let me tell you what"

* And the devil's in you and the devil's in me Uh, la, la, la.

* And the devil's got a big hard... *

Maria!

(CHUCKLING)

Thank you, Maria. Thank you.

Next up we have, um, Mary Katherine...

Gallagher! Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Mary Katherine Gallagher. Mary Katherine Gallagher.

FATHER RITLEY: Okay, just stand there. Here. Stand here.

Come. Stand there. Stand there. That's good.

(GIRLS GIGGLE)

So, what are you going to do for us, Mary?

I just want to say that I'm multitalented,

but today I've chosen to express myself through song.

Okay.

* You (PIANO PLAYING)

* You ask me if I love you

* And I choke on my reply

* I'd rather tell you honestly

* Than mislead you with a lie

* And sometimes when we touch

* The honesty's too much

* I have to close my eyes

* And hide

* I wanna hold you till I die

* Till we both break down

* And cry

* I wanna hold you

* Till the fear in me

* Subsides

(CHEERING)

Mary, that was... That was good.

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

Good.

Superstar!

(GASPS)

Yeah!

(LAUGHS)

(DYLAN LAUGHS)

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Shut up!

You said you liked the movie Carrie.

How do you like it now, Mary?

Retard! Shut up.

DYLAN: Bullshit! Shut up!

Retard!

This is not funny. Shut up, man!

Mare! Mary!

Mary?

(MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVVING)

(PANTING)

Mary Katherine, please!

Mary!

Slater, would you talk to me?

Can you please just say something to me, please?

Your birthmark looks like shit.

You're the little boy that I saved at the pool?

Yeah.

So why does everyone think you're crazy?

Because (STUTTERS) I never talk.

So people make up stories.

And I'd rather that they're scared of me than...

(STUTTERS) Make fun of my stutter.

Yeah.

So what really happened to your parents?

They were savagely ripped apart

and eaten by a school of hammerhead sharks.

That happens a lot. Yeah.

Hey, Slater,

I know I haven't known you that long or anything, but...

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

Do you think I'm pretty?

Sometimes I just...

(VOICE BREAKS) I just hate the way I am.

(SNIFFLES)

I just hate the way I am.

I'm sorry I almost drowned you.

That's all right. I was probably drowning before you got there.

I'm a horrible swimmer. (CHUCKLING) Really?

That's funny.

Mary?

I think you look great.

I think you look beautiful.

Well, I'm going to go wash off.

Do you want to come with me?

Okay.

What are you doing?

Uh, (STAMMERS) testing the water.

There's two ways that you can get into the water.

That way or...

This way! (INHALES)

(INHALES)

(MUMBLES)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(BRAKES SCREECH) Well. (CHUCKLES)

It's late.

This is my house.

So, thanks.

Hey, Slater.

Did you really mean it when you said that...

You thought I looked beautiful?

Yeah.

Do you think that even without the talent show,

Sky would still want to kiss me?

I think Sky would have to be (STUTTERS) crazy not to want to kiss you.

Really?

Oh! Thanks.

I'll, uh, see you later, Mary.

(ENGINE REVS)

Oh, God.

Thank you so much for making Slater my friend.

And please, God, forgive me...

For not telling Slater that I went to the bathroom in the pool tonight.

* I had a dream

* A dream about you, baby

Hi, Grandma.

* It's gonna come true, baby *

Sorry I'm late.

Stayed at school to study business,

and I lost track of time.

GRANDMA: Father Ritley called.

He told me you tried out for the talent show.

I'm sorry. I never should have done that.

I promise I'll never lie to you again, okay?

You made it.

Made what?

You passed the audition.

I did? I did!

Oh, my goodness! (LAUGHING)

Really? I did?

But they want you to lose the end with the paint.

Really?

Grandma, please let me do it. Please let me do it.

Please let me do it.

I can't let you be in any talent show, Mary.

But I can help you to star in one.

You see that there?

I danced in that show on Broadway.

And these dead stems

used to step-ball-change

two shows a day six days a week.

If you're going on the stage, Mary,

I don't want you stinking up the place

with some paint dance.

Oh, Grandma, you don't know how much this means to me.

Because there's this boy at school...

No boys.

If you're going to do this,

you're going to do it for yourself, like I did.

Higher. Kick higher!

I can't. It's hard.

Razzle, dazzle!

I don't know what that means.

Windmill, windmill!

BOTH: Windmill, windmill.

(LOUD CRASH)

(WHIMPERS) MARY: Oh, Frances!

Sweet Frances, please don't die.

Frances, Frances, please don't die.

Frances, go back. She needs you.

(WHIMPERS) Go back!

You want to go fetch? Go fetch.

Go fetch. MARY: Frances.

That way, my dog friend. Go on.

Frances. (GROWLING)

(FRANCES YIPPING) (SCREAMS)

She's alive! You're all right.

Super.

Now,

if we really want to knock them on their keisters,

we're going to need a chorus line.

One, two... (GRUNTING)

What's his problem?

I, I got the D.T.s, Mrs. Gallagher.

D. T.s are from being drunk, not high, you fruit.

He's got his fake addictions confused, Mrs. Gallagher.

No, I just...

I'm just so high I think I'm drunk.

(WHOOSHING)

We've got two days to the big show.

So when I say kick, you want to kick.

And when I say dip, you dip.

And when I say tap, you tap.

And when I say...

They get it, Grandma. They get it. They get it.

I've got two more.

And when I say booga-booga, you booga-booga.

What's "booga-booga" mean?

I don't know,

but if I say it, you better figure it out.

(CHUCKLING)

(GROWLING)

Whoa!

I slipped.

Everything's fine. (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

Slip-a-roo.

Ooh!

Yeah!

(RAIN PATTERING)

(WHISTLING)

Superstar!

MAN: Hi, there! WOMAN: Howdy, neighbor.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

MAN 2: Un-deviled eggs!

Lady crucifingers!

There's my grandmother. Oh, my god.

MAN 2: It's all Mary Mag-delicious.

Look, there's Maria's parents.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(PIANO PLAYING AN INTRO) (GASPS)

(APPLAUSE) (PIANO INTRO ENDS)

Oh. Good evening,

uh, everyone! Welcome to St. Monica's Catholic High School.

(GIRLS WHOOPING)

So, are we all ready to fight VD?

(ALL CHEERING)

Love her.

I hope that you're as excited as I am,

uh, to see who will win this free trip to Hollywood

with a chance to appear as an extra

in a movie with positive moral values.

Uh, but first, let's not forget

we would not be here tonight if it wasn't for VD.

VD Rules! (CHUCKLES)

A puss-filled, but blistering,

sinful malady...

That a few of you may already have come in contact with.

You must resist, children. Resist the urge

that lingers in your loins.

But as the saying goes...

"Girls have a button and boys have a pole,

"and wicked touching takes its toll."

So you must be strong and resist.

For those who are weak will no doubt one day

burn and fester in the swollen

VD infested fiery pits of hell!

But let's have some fun and meet our judges. Over here...

(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) Hey, are you guys ready?

Mary, we're like really nervous. Yeah.

What if they make fun of us?

Okay. I just wanna say one thing to all of you.

Don't listen to the names that people call you.

If you believe in yourself, then nobody can hurt you.

You are your own rainbow.

Wow.

That's really insightful.

That's from The Initiation of Sarah starring Miss Shelley Winters.

Yeah? Cool.

Yeah.

Okay, uh, from Catholic Teen magazine,

we have their teen gossip columnists,

George and Moira McDaniels. (APPLAUSE)

Yeah. Welcome and thanks for joining us.

(LAUGHS) Well, it's show time here at St. Monica's.

So let's get things started with our first contestant,

Howard Feinstein! (APPLAUSE)

Ladies and gentlemen!

Tonight, I'm going for The Full Monty. MAN: What?

(LAUGHS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) * Lookin' for some hot stuff baby, this evenin'

* I need some hot stuff baby, tonight (GASPS)

* I want some hot stuff Enough! Come on!

* Baby, This Evening (LAUGHS) Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

FATHER RITLEY: Perhaps this would be an opportune time to thank Howard's father.

(CLEARS THROAT) Hi, Mary.

The school therapist says I have to apologize, so I'm sorry.

And, Helen, I'm sorry I made fun of your very hairy lip.

I was going through a really difficult time, but it's fine now

because Sky and I are together again, dancing in the show.

And, um, what I'm really trying to say is...

Good luck.

(GROANS)

Mary, I'm like really sorry

'cause I know how hard you worked to impress Sky tonight.

It's okay.

Tonight is for me, not for Sky.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

"Entering?"

Huh?

GOD: You're not gonna miss the show, are you?

Roadside thing's freaking you out, huh?

Who are you?

Mary Katherine Gallagher's subconscious idea of God.

Okay.

Okay.

Now just my take on this,

but you might want to reconsider this bike ride.

Why?

Because I'm working in a mysterious way here.

Man! You noticed how you tried to leave town,

but it didn't work out, but you just kept on trying?

Right?

What say you take that positive attitude and apply it to...

I don't know. Maybe you could help me.

Any thoughts?

Mary!

You think... (STAMMERS) Mary likes me?

Why'd I make everyone so insecure? Here's a clue...

The lord God,

is materializing on a highway,

to guide you to her.

Now look, that's the real road out of Besamee Heights.

The decision is up to you.

(SNAPS FINGER)

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(GRUNTING)

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you, Helen. Quite a feat of strength.

Thanks. (LAUGHING) The amazing Sean!

My brother.

Next up, uh, we have Sky Corrigan and Evian Graham.

(APPLAUSE) (CHEERING)

I just want everyone to know...

That even though Evian and I are dancing together,

we're still broken up. BOY: Yeah!

Repeat... Broken up.

Thank you. (APPLAUSE)

(BAMBOLEO BY THE GYPSY KINGS PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(GRUNTING)

(MAN SINGING IN SPANISH)

Huh!

(SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

You know you want me back.

We're dancing together, but we've grown apart.

Five, six, seven, eight.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES OUTSIDE)

(WHISPERING) Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.

It has been two days since my last confession.

What?

Mary Katherine, aren't you supposed to be in the show tonight?

Father, you're not supposed to say my name.

Oh. Yep. Okay.

Go ahead. Okay.

I feel really bad because...

I've committed a sin of selfishness.

All my life I've asked God to make me a star, every day.

I'm always thinking of myself.

And tonight, I just want him to know that...

It's okay if he never does that for me.

It's all right.

I promise I'll never ask for anything again

if he just does this one thing for me tonight.

And what is that, my child?

Please just get me through tonight safely for my grandmother.

Watch over me so that I can watch over her.

Mary, it's time to go on stage. Go.

Use the gifts God gave you.

(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)

(SONG ENDS) (APPLAUSE)

GIRLS: Yeah!

(LAUGHS)

(SQUEALING)

(STRUGGLING)

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

FATHER RITLEY: All right. Um...

Our last contestant tonight... (BREATHING HEAVILY)

Mary Katherine Gallagher.

(SNIFFLES)

* Sometimes I wonder

* Where I've been

* Who I am

* Do I fit in

You suck! (SNICKERING)

* Make-believing

* Is hard alone

* Out here

* On my own

(PIANO ACCOMPANIES)

* We're always provin'

* Who we are

* Always reachin'

* For that rising star

* To guide me far

* And shine me home

* Out here

* On my own

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

* When I'm down and feelin' blue

* I close my eyes so I can be with you

* Baby, be strong for me baby, belong to me

* Help me through * Help her through

* Help me through

DANCERS: Pop!

Bam! Pow!

(NEEDLE SKIDS ON RECORD) Ah. Oh.

(TEMPO INCREASES)

Wait.

Mary, it's too fast.

Just keep going.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(GROANS)

GOD: Mary!

Get up, Mary!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Get up! You can do it!

(SCOFFS)

HOWARD: (WHISPERING) We don't know what to do.

It's okay. It's okay.

(SHUDDERING)

BOY: What do we do?

Just follow me.

(DISCO MUSIC BEGINS) Follow Mary, you guys.

(PEOPLE GASPING)

(ALL WHOOPING)

(APPLAUSE)

(GRUNTING)

(CHUCKLING)

(WHOOPING)

(GIGGLING)

Yeah.

Whoo!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Yeah! (SONG ENDS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Yeah!

(CHUCKLING)

(LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLING)

Yeah!

Are you ready? Good.

Good.

(GIGGLING)

Well, I'm pleased to announce that the winner

of the Catholic Teen magazine's free trip to Hollywood

with a chance to appear as an extra

in a movie with positive moral values

is Mary Katherine Gallagher.

(SQUEALING)

(SCREAMING)

Ha-ha!

What?

(EXULTING)

(INDISTINCT)

Evian. Hey.

I just wanted to say that I think

you did a really good job up there tonight.

You showed a lot of energy and enthusiasm, and I...

I really like your choice of costume. (CHUCKLES LIGHTLY)

But I just feel really bad for you, 'cause I guess...

You didn't know that you were competing against a...

Superstar!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SCOFFS)

Yes!

(GRUNTS)

Hey, Mary.

Hey.

You really do have some nice moves.

Thanks.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(GASPS)

So what did you think of that?

It was okay.

(CHUCKLING LIGHTLY)

(WHISPERING) It was bad. (RETCHES)

(LAUGHING)

MARY: So I let Sky go,

and I figured it was time to let my dream go, too.

'Cause maybe that's all it would ever be...

A dream.

Or maybe not.

You said to jump in.

I'm outta here. (BLOWS)

What are you? Gay? Five times more gay than you think.

Four more to go, peaches.

MARY: And that's my story.

That's my entire story. (CHUCKLES)

I wanted you to know so that you would understand why I can't see you anymore.

So... I guess this is good-bye.

(CHUCKLING)

What are you saying?

You want a good-bye what?

No, I can't.

I can't. (LAUGHS) I'm seeing Slater now.

Oh, you're so bad.

Okay, just one for the road.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(MOANING)