Original subtitles

so

um

come on you little jerks get moving

[Applause]

[ __ ] that's my dad he's a good guy

the only thing is he gets buggered mr

superman won't put me in the game

[Music]

that's mr soupy

he's our coach he used to play football

too that was a long time ago because my

dad said it must have been before

football helmets were invented

[Applause]

you see i don't mind playing

it's just that sometimes it goes scared

in front of all the people

get in there and be sure to send billy

out

billy get out of here okay that's doug

he's my best friend

mr soupy says someday doug's gonna play

in the pros okay one two three

ready set go look i'm not a dummy i just

forgot which way to run that's all

[Music]

the other way the other way

[Music]

[Applause]

luckily my best friend doug came through

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

okay i hope i

i'll pay for these now shut up

kenny get up here you're the hero you

order first

this was my big chance to be cool

suicide is all the different flavors of

slush mixed into one cup

tastes a lot like mud

how'd you suicide

[Music]

hey i'll come over later and we can work

on the racer all right see ya bye

[Music]

ah

[Music]

sometimes i do really dumb things

like ride down johnny hoffman street

alone

you see

johnny hoffman makes me pay him money

every time i see him

maybe he won't see me

hey where are you going

oh hi johnny i didn't see you get over

here

how you doing johnny

got some money for me

i forgot it

well you owe me double tomorrow

you were great in the game kenny

yeah

what happened to your shirt

johnny off when she had my bike over

oh

why

because i didn't have any money

well do you owe him some money no

i guess i do

for what

protection

protection money are you kidding

no me and sherman a couple other kids

have to pay on protection money

what's he protecting you from

i don't know

this is ridiculous

now you've got to learn this is a free

country and you stand up for your own

rights and when somebody shoves you you

shove them back

yeah but he's pretty big

and mean

who is this

kid

johnny hoffman

he's the guy that posts little sammy

mitchell up his roof and broke his leg

they say if he gets in any more trouble

he's going back to the farm school

ken

there's something you've got to

understand

you're going to meet a lot bigger

bullies in your lifetime than johnny

hoffman

i am

yes

and you want me to tell you something

all bullies deep down inside are cowards

you punch them in the mouth and they'll

run home crying

you sure

doug and you've been working on the

racer for almost two weeks

working real hard on this cause wrote my

dad'll at a center in the downtown

soapbox derby

who is it

[Music]

that's sherman

wow what are you building

eraser don't touch it

sherman's the dumb little kid that lives

across the street

he always follows us around community

touches something it breaks

what's it

gonna raise it down airplane hill

wow room room room

can you boom with that bro

[Music]

oops

german

[Music]

you can't get me

at anything under 25 yards

doug and me are deadly with dirk clots

hey wow

what is it look does it work i don't

know

sherman

[Music]

what

i got something for you

you're gonna throw dirt clods

no really sherman i got some candy for

you

really

yeah come on over and get it

are you sure

just come here

[Music]

give it to me okay close your eyes and

put your hand in here

there's no candy in here

you get over here

doug sure got cats

i was scared and sherman's dad didn't

even point at me

you really like stacked tough with

parents

what do you want are you the one who put

the mouse trap on sherman's fingers

no comment okay sherman i want you to

hit him as hard as you want and you

don't move

you mean i can hit him as hard as i want

and he won't hit me back you most

certainly can

and you'd better not move a muscle

he told me later this really hurt

that didn't even hurt a [ __ ]

you know sometimes ideas just don't seem

as good when you gotta try them

[Music]

[Music]

you okay

[Music]

hi kenny hi how you doing all right

want a donut okay

that's doug's dad

big dad

he's in the secret service and he wears

a big gun

he's a real nice guy but sometimes he's

a little too funny

i remember once when he locked me up in

these handcuffs

that's the way handcuffs work okay now

take them off

oh yeah

damn i must have left the key in the

office

you guys been up to

okay crash the racer on airplane hill

[Music]

say kenny yeah yeah i got a new trick

for you don't do it

put your hands out flat palms down don't

do it hold these right on there don't

let them fall don't let them fall

oh yeah i gotta drive my iron off here

get them off

hey come on

don't move or i'll blow your hands off

don't do it you'll hit me you don't have

to worry about a thing look i've done

this a thousand times

[Laughter]

[Music]

that's mr donovan

he's the best teacher i've ever had

he calls that guy speedy gonzalez

he's the dumbest kid in the class

all the other teachers in the school

gave up on it

not mr donovan

i'm making a bear mask for halloween

doug's been helping me

i'm making the head and he's responsible

for the snout

and he calls nozzola

he's real proud of it

hey how do you like that snazz

that's marcy

i've been in love with her for two years

now

and i don't even think she knows who i

am

[Music]

hey watch this

hey mike told me that pedro put a whole

piece of notebook paper in his mouth

that the ledge belly's gonna fire it at

you because of what you did to him last

week told him i was sorry don't matter

that's pedwa

i don't even remember his real name

ever since first grade when somebody

just called him pedwa

even his mom calls him that

[Music]

ah

[Music]

[Music]

where are you going

[Music]

me too

who's that

shh that's mr break

he's got a bad heart my dad says he was

supposed to die

somehow i lived never says nothing he

just stands around looking at things

heck he seems like a nice guy to me

i think he's crazy

he's a nice guy i'll show you someone

who's crazy that's her in the window

miss walker yep she's crazy peter

parmenter said she's got a shotgun load

of rocks out next to her bed and if she

catches you she'll shoot

and you know what rock salt does what

you ever get salt in the cut

yeah it stings yeah hides like big

chunks stuck in your butt

doug says we're gonna run through our

house on halloween

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

hi mom

how's school

me and doug and i almost finished with

the bear mask duck and i

oh yeah

i'm gonna take bob out on the grass

be careful he hasn't been feeling too

well lately

come on

you feel better you get some fresh air

[Music]

hi bob

god the clouds are huge

you know

[Music]

i bet if someone could measure the size

of one of those big clouds they could

figure out how big this guy is

yep

let's go see little roy yeah

little roy

hey

they did all guys

how much you lifting today oh 350.

okay

[Music]

uh hi kenny

hi kenny how do you like my pumpkin

it kind of looks like dad

well you see who this one looks like

when i finish it

[Music]

[Music]

um

[Music]

had a partner

you have the clothes yeah they're out in

the garage come on

doug and me really want to do something

good for halloween because there's only

three days off so we started testing an

idea

what are you gonna name him

otis

let's go

[Music]

wait a minute

so

[Music]

[Music]

holy christ our little body

george

don't run over his head

all right

hey here comes another

[Music]

oh my god i hit him

it's only his dummy

[Laughter]

[Music]

[Music]

get out of street you goddamn drunk

can you believe that jerk

[Music]

hey great idea

hey there's another one coming

[Music]

holy cow

why would anybody want otis

my dad's hat come on

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

over here in this garage

engine's hot

this is it

somebody out there

is somebody out there

you got our dummy and we want it back

i told you you had guts

you better get out of here i'll call my

husband

what could we do

why would she want otis

hey

what are we gonna do

ha ha ha way to halloween won't fix you

yeah little halloween we'll fix your ass

you too hold it right there

hey what are you two kids been doing

oh nothing

boy today's the day

i'm gonna tell marcy that i

really like her

hey what if she likes me

boy that'd be bitching going steady with

marcy

my life be great

what if she doesn't like me though

hi

there's marcy

you gotta go over and eat with her

with girls

hey she's looking at you she is

darn it don't do that screw the heck out

of me

that's pudwell

hmm chocolate

that guy's always throwing stuff you

gotta go beat him up i chose him off

last year and we were gonna fight in the

alley but he never should

hey marcy's looking at you

no she's not really she is look

[Music]

oh

[Laughter]

[Music]

boy i had my big chance at lunch and i

blew it

mercy came walking out of the cafeteria

and i was standing right there

she looked at me and smiled and i didn't

do nothing

i sure am a dummy

i gotta get out of here

mr donovan can i go the bathroom

sure kenny

sure is fun being out of class

i think i'll go bug sherman

that's weird

i don't see sherman

maybe he's sick or something

[Music]

um

[Music]

oh no

[Music]

i was walking by the benches and some

guys shoved me into them

[Music]

oh sherman

mr d always skips his recess to play

football with us he sure is good

he takes all lousy guys on his team he

beats us every time

hey hey

all right

okay let's show some enthusiasm get up

there come on come on all right had well

get it together would you

all right

signal set hut one hut two

no way

hey hey hey

[Applause]

[Music]

i know my dad said you're supposed to

stand up for your rights

what about other people

i know two guys ganging up on sherman

ain't fair but

[Music]

why should i risk my neck for dumbo

sherman

that's right though

i can't just turn my back on him

maybe if i really beat up on plug well

johnny hoffman will get scared

[Music]

[Music]

did you have trouble with him again

today

yeah he was beating up sherman dad told

me that if i punched him in the nose

he'd run home crying cause all boys are

cowards

dad was wrong

honey i don't want to sit against your

dad

but he does get carried away sometimes

he thinks the only way to solve some

problems is by punching somebody in the

mouth

sometimes he's right

but there are other ways to get out of a

sticky situation

like what

use your head

you're smarter than johnny hoffman

and he's bigger than you are

so don't fight him on his terms

fight him on your own

like how

think about it

[Music]

i had to get some new underwear

i hate that johnny hoffman

[Music]

[Music]

oh hi ken

hi dad

oh sherman

what you two been up to how come you're

home so early

well

we're gonna go out in about an hour

gotta take bob to the vet

where'd you get that it was sitting in

that double ladies trash can

look what else i found wow a cherry bomb

yep got any matches yeah still some out

of the kitchen

let's put in another trash can boom

we'll go up the air yeah boom right over

here

[Music]

no it's gonna blow up

[Music]

wow you know you went up five feet yeah

i heard that one of those is equal to a

quarter stick of dynamite

dynamite

hey dad

are you supposed to stand up for other

people's rights

yeah i think so

they can't stand up for themselves or

they need help sure

why

well i tried to stop two guys from

beating up sherman and got beat up

myself

dumbo sherman ran away and left me

that's too bad

did you get hurt

not much

but what did i prove

a lot

you proved that you weren't afraid to

help a friend who was in trouble

the motion's not my friend

no but he's a person who needed help and

you gave him help

not enough people in this world care

enough to become involved and stop

injustice

i'm proud of you ken

we've got another problem

mom took bob to the vet this morning

he's very sick

afraid we're gonna have to put him to

sleep

yeah he needs a lot of that

lately

no

i don't mean that

when you put something to sleep

a doctor gives it an injection of

chemicals

so that it can die painlessly

die

bob's real sick

he'll stop his suffering

you mean kill him kill bob

he's gonna die anyway

but that's murder

don't be foolish ken

bob is a dog

yeah but he might get well

this is the best thing for him

i'm not gonna let you

look

ken

everybody's

got to die sometime

i know you don't understand that

but i love bob just as much as you do

there's nothing we can do

i think you ought to stay home

i'm gone

[Music]

[Music]

do

[Music]

[Music]

do

[Music]

[Music]

men you guys just aren't consistent

enough on defense you're not putting out

football is a man's game you can't be

worried about every little bruise that

you get here and there

now thursday we're going to practice

defense

and i want you all to study the 85

series

and the goal line defenses that i gave

you

okay

okay

tonight duck's father big doug is gonna

tell us about the secret service

well

the secret service is a division of the

treasury department our most important

job is to protect the president and his

family

the president-elect when there is one

and the vice president when he asks us

you got a question

yeah can we see your gun please

sure

sure you can see my gun

our second most important job

is the detection and apprehension of

counterfeiters

and

that'll be enough of that

now

as i was saying

[Music]

say

as long as i'm showing you my stuff why

don't i show you how these work

mr soupy would you like to help me

demonstrate

and let's go over here

and

that's the way handcuffs work

hey oh oh yeah sure

damn i must have left

[Laughter]

kenny

marcy can i speak with you for a minute

i have a favorite to ask you two today

we have a

we have a visitor in school today who

speaks no english

so i'd like you two to take charge even

and escorting around the school

introducing some of your friends

paco

this is kenny

and this is marcy

now kenny and marcy are gonna take you

around school and show you what's

happening okay

okay

i'm gonna say something to her

what city did he come from paco

enchilada

i don't think he understands

hey baku we're gonna teach him how to

play basketball

what can i say what can i say

kenny yeah

do you like me

why sure

because you're always staring at me with

this weird look on your face

holy [ __ ] what can i say i uh i just

like to look at you

why

well like i

guess because i really like you

oh no now you didn't she knows

i like you too

you do

[Music]

wow

boy this guy's a real [ __ ]

i don't know

yeah that's it

[Laughter]

how'd you like basketball

[Music]

[Laughter]

[Music]

boy are we gonna be in trouble

paco how'd you like recess

yes

[Laughter]

[Music]

now

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Applause]

[Music]

hahaha

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

so

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

who is it it's me

go away

what are you building

a spaceship

i don't know what

plywood there it is

wow

but how's it gonna fly with these

kenny's got it all figured out

hey is the door locked

yeah why

i got something to show

you wow

holy geez

where'd you get it

i stole it from my dad if i get caught

he'll murder me boy i sure like naked

girls you know you have to be naked to

have babies

how are babies made

i never could figure that one out

it's simple first you go to the store

and get some special pills

and then you get a girl and then you go

home

and get nude

and then you put a pill in your mouth

and

you spit it down her throat why you're

kissing her

and then it goes into her stomach and

grows into a baby

ha ha you're crazy

well how do you do it then my brother

says you just screw him

the girl

yeah with the screwdriver

no no no

well how

it's me he never told me how he says you

just screw him

why don't you go get marcy and try it

are you kidding i wouldn't do that to

marcy

has the insurance bill come yet

i already paid it

hey mom what's insurance for

well the kind of insurance he's talking

about it's called life insurance

if your dad dies it provides us with

enough money to go on living

oh yeah

what happens when you die

what do you mean kenny

what happens when you die like what

happened to bob

[Music]

well

nobody really knows the answer to that

question

when the body stops living what happens

to the

the mind and the spirit

some people believe that you go to

heaven

to live with god

and others think that

well this is all there is

when it's over

it's all over

what do you think

well i really don't know

[Music]

tomorrow i'm gonna put my arm around her

[Music]

[Music]

so

so hi mr brink

hello

can i ask you a question mr break

sure kenny

what happens when you die

[Music]

well

i never believed in a hereafter i've

always felt your heavens on earth

death is an ending

so i just

live each day as best i can

if i should go tomorrow

i won't be bitter

because i know i've had a good life

besides

i've got kids that'll keep on living

and they're part of me

you kind of understand what i mean

trying to

that's all you can

see you later

what are you building

a hand grenade

i smell like a potato

i got a disguise

see i ain't no good at art i can't cut

paste or do sculpture but i make good

hand grenades

see if you leave an air bubble in the

clay

when they fired in the kill it'll blow

up

so

i make a hollow hand grenade disguise it

as a potato so mr g won't know and i

blow the [ __ ] out of everybody's project

so you're wasting your time on that

because it's just going to get blown to

smithereens

[Music]

i like to kill that johnny hoffman yeah

me too i like to stick his head in the

toilet and flush it down who's grounded

and i'd like to cut off all his fingers

and jam him up his nose

costume done yet

just about

wow

[Music]

[Music]

that guy was dead

what happens when you die

your life's over

if you have kids then it's better

why

because they live on i guess

you're dead

i thought you went to heaven

i don't know

[Music]

oh hi marcy

hi karen that's a beautiful dog you've

got

it's an ivy setter my uncle fred gave it

to me last week

you know my dumb brother saw the crush

on you

oh desi

surprise

yes marcy

shut up okay i gotta go tell mom about

it anyway no you don't

what you working on candy cleaning my

bearings hey you going somewhere yeah

big dog has taken us to get sherman's

birthday present for that dummy

you're going to his party yeah we have

to is that his grandmother's

well i wouldn't go to that cruise party

for a million dollars

[Music]

[Music]

hey what about this

yes

uh

why don't you get him a basketball he's

too uncoordinated

how about one of these

nah he's too geefy

why don't you get him some roller skates

too clumsy

you could get him a baseball bat

yeah

i could use this on johnny hoffman

hey let's give him a doll not baby beans

how about miss betty bongos

how about fran

bigger than he is

just about his speed

hey how about this

you're crazy

hey look at this

come on

hey

[Music]

you guys have a good time mind your

manners and no fights okay

okay

[Music]

so

[Music]

get your hand out of there

what are you two doing here

sherman invited us

well

gotta wear these

where is he

he's out back

[Music]

oh

[Applause]

[Music]

all right uh class i have a few

announcements

uh first of all

principal has asked me to read

off a list of don't do's for tonight

number one

travel in groups of three or more and

try to bring along a parent

number two

do not enter anyone's house

number three do not eat any candy which

is not wrapped in a package

be especially careful of candy apples

and popcorn balls because people have

been known to put razor blades

and rat poison in them

i have uh one other announcement

unfortunately one of our ceramics must

have exploded

because everything in the kiln was

destroyed when i opened it this morning

i sure hope my mom lets me go out

tonight after she reads this

a d in handwriting is she gonna be mad

god i hope mr donovan doesn't flunk me

you got some money for me oh hi johnny i

didn't see you you got some money for me

i only got a quarter let's see it

[Music]

johnny got chicken today huh

yeah

but i think i got it figured out

just got to be clever see if you don't

have muscles you gotta have brains

yeah well sherman doesn't have either so

where's that leave him oh

[Music]

two more hours i can't wait that long

your costume done yet

i've already tried it now twice

you gonna tell us what it is yet

nope it's a secret you'll see yeah well

you're not going with us oh yes i am

please

you sure but your shoes are on backwards

darn i always forget

yeah i know we can do till it gets dark

it's a phone trick sherman go get your

dad's tape recorder

oh you want to go trick-or-treating with

us or not

[Music]

that was great doug you sure sounded old

come on over to the sink

sherman get an apple out of the

refrigerator

[Music]

okay when i point to you scream as loud

as you can in the mic okay

[Music]

hello

this is a recording

this is mr stevens of the phone company

we will be working on your live for the

next five minutes and would like to ask

you not to answer your phone

if you do we will receive a large shock

on our end of the line which could

injure our workers

thank you for your cooperation this is a

recording

come back let's give him a minute

come on

ah

[Applause]

[Music]

[Laughter]

you're one dead bar

hey let's get a picture of these two

[Music]

a penguin

[Music]

hey you kids stay out of trouble

[Music]

trick or treat my

what have we here

a scout

a penguin

and a pig

i'm a bear

oh

wow flicks

uh ma'am could i have another my

brother's sick at home he couldn't make

it tonight

what sugar

thanks

your brother's sick are you kidding

me

[Music]

thanks

popcorn balls

look

it's johnny hopping in pudwell

let's get out of here let's watch

dad did you bring any pellets sure did

load them up all right

what are they doing

the old burning doggy bag trick

should they fill a bag full of doggy

crap

put on somebody's porch ladder on fire

and ring the doorbell the guy opened the

door and stomps it out

how many pumps should i give it what do

you think

well

once stings

three times really hurts and five will

break the skin four

[Music]

[Applause]

ah

[Applause]

hey these are the guys that stole otis

yeah come on

[Music]

trick or treat

[Music]

[Music]

um

wow

[Music]

i don't like this place let's get out of

here

[Laughter]

[Music]

don't shoot it's not loaded we'll load

it

how many pumps should i give it hmm

[Applause]

sherman over here

come on

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

oh [ __ ]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

god damn kids

hey nice shot i thought you were a

gunner yeah but you shot that thing

right in the butt

trick or treat

my what have we got here

what are you young man i'm a trapper

you're a trapper where there's a candy

for you

and what a lovely little penguin you are

is one for you

and how is the little piggy wiggy i'm a

bear you're a bear oh i'm so sorry dear

uh now could i have an extra one my

brother's sick and

he couldn't make it tonight

get out of here

real good sherman

i don't think i want to trick or treat

anymore

hey just one more thing you got to do

there it is

mrs walker's house the crazy lady yep

we're gonna run through it

oh no we're not

come on

[Music]

[Music]

so

it's open

come on

look at that

mrs walker

mrs walker

let's get out of here

yes

[Music]

what is it

must be an ashtray

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

then what happened she shot her shotgun

and just about blew kenny's head off i

think she thought he was a real pig then

we just took off running as fast as we

could

that was really funny what you did to

johnny hoffman last night

he's gonna get you after school

good luck

now you're in trouble

yeah my brother says broads are all

alike

are you gonna eat anything

want an apple

all right

they're two-faced

they'll lie and cheat you whenever you

get a chance

you know what you mean

what are we gonna do about johnny

hoffman

i was thinking we could get all the ramp

together and mug is back

they're scared of him

yeah

i think i gotta use the plan

all right

just gotta get in with my brains

let's go get sherman

i win

hi

how come you're always playing [ __ ] two

square

yes i'm good

look i need your help johnny hoffman's

gonna get me after school today

nope no way forget it

now here's a dime don't lose it i'm

dependent on you

[Music]

pull it out of his desk

[Music]

johnny's right over here and he's gonna

pound your head in

it is a fight

hiya johnny

what do you say we'd be friends

well in that case

[Music]

thank you

[Music]

oops

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

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give me the police

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[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

go get him

[Music]

walker

[Music]

[Applause]

what's going on here

ocifer johnny hoffman tied the door to

mrs walker's house and he's in there

beating her up

we'll take care of it

[Applause]

hoffman huh

i'll check this out you going around the

side

mrs walker

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

hmm

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you two hold it right there

[Music]

secret service

okay what's going on here doug

we were just seeing what was going on

i think that's your men

[Music]

i'll see you guys later

[Music]

is he gonna be mad heck no

i told him all about your plan last

night he says you're getting to be just

about as funny as he is

nice day

we did it we did it

john helmet's going back to reform

school johnny hoffman's going back to

reform school hey marcy's out front and

she's real proud of you ah who needs her

yeah who needs her

hey what do we do when johnny hoffman

comes back

we'll get him

i guess there's always gonna be a johnny

hoffman

[Music]

so

[Music]

[Applause]

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[Music]

[Applause]

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[Applause]

[Music]

and that's the way handcuffs work