Original subtitles

When I look back at my manic moments, I don't...

My memory, for some reason, is really clouded.

This programme contains scenes which some viewers may find disturbing and deals with suicide

I was at home,

I think I'd just finished having a barbecue,

but it was just me.

And there was a knock on the kitchen door...

LOUD POUNDING

..and it was a policeman.

I remember thinking, "What's a policeman doing here?"

He seemed like a nice chap.

I sat down and started showing him,

I've got a photo of me, the Queen and I, and getting my OBE.

Maybe five to ten minutes later, there's another knock on the door.

It's another policeman.

This time, the policeman is with five firemen -

the pompiers, they call them in French.

And then a doctor turned up,

and he said, "We're taking you to hospital."

And I said, "I'm not going."

I was trying to fight my way out of it.

I had two people either side of me hold my arms down,

and I was struggling a lot.

Then I saw the doctor pull out this whacking great syringe.

And I just thought that was it.

I woke up and I had no idea...

..whether I was Arthur, Martha, Tuesday, Thursday - nothing.

I thought I was in some kind of police station

because of the room I was in.

Only when the psychiatrist came in,

she told me I was in a psychiatric hospital.

It was a dark period.

The psychiatrist diagnosed me as bipolar.

I was... It was a surprise.

I started to look back more and more to my life,

pre-being sectioned,

and one of the big questions I asked myself was,

"How come it's taken me until my 57th year of life...

"..to discover that I have bipolar?"

Finished. It's finished? How many...?

Ten.

Oh, hang on. I found one in the box.

I moved to the south of France in 2018,

where I live with my wife Melanie and bulldog Harry.

I've got really thick, chipolata-like fingers,

and it's amazing that my food has been really quite delicate.

I don't know how the hell that happened.

OK, so those are done.

These are antidepressants.

These are sleeping tablets.

This one moderates my production of dopamine and serotonin -

because if I have too much dopamine and too much serotonin,

I can have a manic episode.

INTERVIEWER: It seems, to an outsider, quite a lot.

It seems to ME quite a lot. I've got to remember which ones...

And then when it changes... I obviously...

Actually, I've got to take it now.

I've put on a nice... Got a nice belly from it.

SHE LAUGHS

I've gained a lot of weight,

and the speed of my voice now is way slower

than it was, even when I wasn't in a manic episode.

Get some water.

Bipolar is generally extreme mood swings.

So there can be massive highs and very deep, dark lows.

So if I... If I... Try and imagine a graph here.

So this, the vertical, is energy levels

and the horizontal is time.

Let's say the graph, this vertical is here.

Most people operate...sort of this level and do this.

Bipolar 1 basically goes like this.

So, look, we all have days when we're a little bit high,

a little bit low.

But people with bipolar, their mood swings are much more severe.

The lowest low is terrible.

It's severe depression, even suicidality.

And the highs are incredibly high -

tearing around with lots of energy, lots of ideas,

even psychotic delusions.

Symptoms of bipolar usually present actually quite early in life,

so late teenage/early adult life.

So if somebody develops bipolar disorder later in life,

they will have lots of questions as to whether they've lived

an entire life having not been treated, essentially.

ARCHIVE: It's lunchtime in the best restaurant in Europe.

MUSIC: Club Foot by Kasabian

But it's not in Paris, Rome, or in the West End.

The Fat Duck in Bray, Berkshire, has been voted the world's best.

And look how they've done it -

sardine sorbet,

bacon and egg ice cream,

and snail porridge.

From the beginning, his creativity was through the roof.

There was always something bubbling in his mind.

I had to bring to him that little bit of structure,

because he was doing five or six things at the same time, always.

People came to the restaurant and he would be, like, hyper,

like, "Hey, yeah, bup-bup-bup!" But he was cooking. Couldn't stop.

We were cooking differently. He behaved differently.

He was fun.

So if you look at that whole progression to TV programmes,

it wasn't a surprise.

He was perfect.

MUSIC: Di-gue-ding-ding by Michel Legrand

This was a show for the BBC called In Search Of Perfection.

We did this 2006, 2007 - did two series.

I just laughed at my little half-step then.

HE CHUCKLES

That's the level of my dancing.

ARCHIVE: My name is Heston, Heston Blumenthal,

and I'm chef proprietor of the Fat Duck restaurant in Bray.

It's funny, looking at it now,

that...some of the techniques that we tried seem...

They seem ridiculous, but they weren't.

I remember doing Peking Duck, and they blow air between the skin

and the flesh to make it really crisp...

..so we took the duck to the petrol station...

There we go!

..and used the tyre pump to blow air into this duck.

And we hid behind the petrol pump so no-one saw us.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

INTERVIEWER: Do you think there were any signs of bipolar back then?

I can't think of any...

I can't think of any signs of bipolar back then.

There were moments where my creativity felt unstoppable.

Make sure that you put the valve over the hole in the top of the box.

Take the vacuum cleaner.

I felt elation, really high elation,

but I didn't drop into long periods of depression.

You read about bipolar and how it's got the highs, the manic,

you've got the lows and the depression.

I never saw the lows. I didn't see those.

He was - 99.9% of the time - up.

INTERVIEWER: How would you describe those periods of intense creativity?

Er...

I describe... I think it's a bit like a kid in a sweet shop.

The shop is full of these delicious sweets, and you want all of them.

Then the roof opens, and somebody just rains down on you

all the sweets that you could possibly want.

They're just raining down on you.

That's what it's like in my head.

Ideas would be flowing really, really quickly.

It might involve pairing ingredients

that are very surprising to put together.

It might involve listening to something while you're eating,

smelling something while you're listening to something

while you're eating.

Looking back at it, was that creativity down to bipolar?

I have no idea.

When we're talking about mood, mood can go in any direction.

Like everything, everything's on a spectrum.

So in the middle, bang in the middle,

is mood being stable - or euthymic, we say.

The mood can go a little bit low.

It can become severely low - so mild, moderate, severe depression.

In the other direction, it can go into hypomania or mania.

Hypomania is when there is the mood elevating a little bit,

there's a bit more energy.

Maybe we're not sleeping. Maybe we're becoming a bit more creative.

Often patients do say, "I really enjoy my mania.

"I hate the depressions.

"I much prefer the hypomania or even the manic states."

PHONE RINGS

Chief! Hey, Heston. Are you all right?

Hey, have you still got your Christmas tree up?

LAUGHS: Yeah. Yes.

When I first came out of hospital, at the beginning,

it felt like I was slightly zombified from the medication.

I've changed a lot in the sense of

my massive highs and lows have been ironed out.

I'm much calmer, don't have those manic phases.

We went to that lighter foam on our last tasting,

so it was more seafoody.

Yeah, the foam before, to me, it worked cos it was...

It had a strong lemon/thyme character to it.

I think, because we're talking about the beetroot and the heart of palm,

they're not up to what the other dishes can be.

It was a year ago he was out of the clinic.

And the first thing that I told him is,

"Look, we have to rebuild everything bit by bit."

I think it's the scariest thing that can happen to any human being.

Who is not scared to lose his mind and have to go through this process?

I was thinking, "Was I in manic phase, mania,

"when I was creating those dishes?"

I don't know, but it would... It would make sense.

And if the manic phases was when I did all the creativity

and imagination, what happens next?

Erm... I don't know.

Coolio. All right. Excellent. Thanks!

All right. See you. Bye!

INTERVIEWER: Are you at all worried

that you might not get that creativity back?

Yes.

Yeah, I am.

I've come back to the UK to check in on my restaurants.

I'm staying in Bray, next door to the Fat Duck.

I'm wondering what my life will be like

now my mood is more under control...

..so I've invited over psychiatrist Dr Nick Prior.

Nick. Hi, Heston. Great to meet you. Great to meet you.

Yeah, yeah. Real pleasure.

Nick has bipolar himself,

so he understands the situation both as a doctor and as a patient.

You know, there was a lot of mental health in my family.

My... My mother has bipolar.

She has made some quite serious attempts on her life.

It had a big, big influence on my life,

a big influence on my relationship with her.

And her mother, she committed suicide and...

Or what we now call completed suicide.

I get suicidal thoughts, but they're what we would call

in psychiatry talk kind of passive suicidal thoughts.

So I'm lying in bed, can hardly leave my bedroom,

and I'm just thinking how hopeless and I'm not...

"I'm worthless and I should just evaporate.

"I wish I could just evaporate."

Yes. But it's not writing a note or actually harming myself.

I've never gotten to that point. No. Me neither.

I am fascinated about, you know, what it must feel like at your age

to suddenly have this point of reflection.

Did you find that some of your great breakthroughs

did come in spurts of creativity and energy?

I think so. Yeah. Yeah.

So do you think I should be worried about

whether the medication I'm taking could have a negative effect

on my imagination and creativity?

So this is a good, an important question,

especially given your background, Heston.

What we do know is that bipolar can create certain environments

for the individual.

Being disinhibited and having a higher risk appetite...

Yes. ..allows you to do things that other people won't try,

so that creates an increased chance of potentially some moments

of beauty and creativity.

I would argue that the sacrifice you make

by allowing the bipolar to go rampant,

and potentially you have these moments of brilliance,

does have a negative impact.

And that's one of the main reasons that I take my medication,

I do therapy, I look after myself,

is because I want to be a consistent, loving husband

and father to my wife and my kids.

Yes. And I think if I were you, I'd be thinking,

"I've had that fire. I've had those enlightened moments.

"I've created some things amazing.

"And actually, maybe this phase of my life is about consolidating

"some of those things and not searching for it again,"

potentially. But I don't know how you feel about that.

Can you sit with mediocrity, being mediocre?

Is that something, a word that you find difficult?

NICK LAUGHS

Look at my lips.

Erm... Er...

Yes.

He is still on a journey, he knows that,

and he is still asking questions.

And I feel quite...

You know, that's the best place for a patient to be in.

I also really did feel the anxiety and nervousness

around the use of medication and creativity,

especially given the career that he's had.

APPLAUSE

It's Heston Blumenthal, ladies and gentlemen!

Heston, is it "Blumen-thal" or "Blumen-tal"?

"Bloomin' hell". "Bloomin' hell"? LAUGHTER

Next thing you know, he's just becoming huge, right?

He's becoming Heston.

My name became a brand.

ARCHIVE: We're going to use four cheeses in this sauce.

VOICEOVER: I had a range of foods in Waitrose.

I had a range of barbecues.

I had a range of kitchen equipment.

I mean, everything, when I look back at it, was going full throttle.

Got back yesterday. I was in Australia.

Very busy time over there.

Landed crack of dawn, quick shower, came over here.

I've got the Fat Duck, the Perfectionists' Cafe at Heathrow,

Dinner in the Mandarin in London.

Dinner in Australia, and the Hinds Head in Bray,

plus all the TV shows.

There was always something to be worked on.

CHEERING

REPORTER: This was all about thanking those who'd organised

her Diamond Jubilee celebrations.

This is the first time I've seen the actual hamper.

We tried to get one of these for today, and they've...

They haven't given you one? They've all sold out.

There it is - the largest soft serve 99 plus flake in the world!

VOICEOVER: I ended up becoming a hamster on a wheel.

And I self-medicated with cocaine.

I didn't realise I was self-medicating at the time,

but I was.... I was absolutely self-medicating.

And the more time goes on since I've come out of hospital,

the more I can see how extreme those days were.

It reached a point where I started to worry about my mental health.

I knew that I had a busy head,

but I didn't know if it was more busy than anyone else's head.

So I looked up whether I was autistic.

I'd done some research on various neurodiverse conditions.

But I didn't even think about bipolar.

And then this doctor that I'd met at a dinner

said he thinks I've got ADHD.

So I then went and got myself tested. And that was in 2017.

Well, the ADHD diagnosis, it explained quite a lot of things.

It explained enough for me to live with it, if that makes sense. So...

Mm.

So it can take sometimes - in fact, we know on average - about ten years

to get a diagnosis of bipolar, certainly in the UK.

That's really complicated as to why.

Partly because people who are presenting with symptoms,

maybe clinicians who see them say it's just depression,

it's not bipolar.

They haven't fully identified

that it was a hypomanic episode or even a manic episode.

And they're not tying the symptoms together

to form a bipolar diagnosis.

Receiving a diagnosis of bipolar is quite scary, it's stigmatising.

But actually, we have to also remember it's completely treatable.

Over the last few weeks,

my psychiatrist has switched me to a different drug, lithium,

and I'm starting to feel sharper.

But I still don't understand

how other creative people have kept their spark...

..so I've come to Letchworth to meet artist Sarah Graham,

who was diagnosed with bipolar in 2015.

Hello, Sarah. Hello! How are you doing?

Lovely to meet you. Lovely to meet you too.

Welcome to my studio. Wow!

SARAH LAUGHS

Look at this.

Look at the texture on that.

Fantastic!

So I'm a photorealist, and my art is very colourful

and bold and out there and...

You know, and I think that reflects that side of me. Yeah.

But then with my bipolar,

I've suffered really significantly with depression.

Were you... Cos you're so creative,

were you scared of losing that creativity at any point?

Terrified, yeah.

Were you worried about the effect that the medication would have?

It's such an interesting question,

because I know a lot of people feel that medication dumbs them down.

And, you know, I have not been short of ideas. No?

Particularly recently, I've come up with all these new ideas

to take my work in a new direction,

and I'm on an antidepressant, a mood stabiliser, and an anti-psychotic.

Sarah was hospitalised due to a manic episode that led to psychosis,

when you lose touch with reality

and become convinced of things that just aren't true.

My mania was reaching a crescendo.

I thought I was going to be meeting

the Queen and Prince Philip for breakfast.

Yeah? They were going to be thanking me for this... Yeah.

..you know, what I'd done, in my role as an MI5 spy?

Of course. Erm...

THEY LAUGH

And, you know, I can... Like, I can laugh about it now,

cos it is... There are parts of it that are very...

You know, it's just wild where my brain went.

But I... There was a guy that I wanted to meet

the Queen and Prince Philip with me...

Yeah. ..and I was trying to get his attention.

He was up in his flat, and I...

There was a lorry coming down the street,

and I got in the road and lay down in front of the lorry

to try and get this guy to pay attention to me.

Lots of people called the police.

I mean, this was happening around 6.00am in the morning.

Like... Of course it was. Yeah.

I hadn't slept for 24 hours at this point. Yeah.

Seven police officers turned up... Yeah. ..and sectioned me...

They just took you to hospital? ..and off I went in an ambulance.

Yeah.

There was a weird dichotomy.

I knew I was in a psychiatric hospital... Yeah.

..I knew I didn't want to be there,

but I also thought I had superpowers,

and I thought the hospital was an academy for people with superpowers.

My consciousness was kind of acting out these two realities,

and I was so kind of...

I made a friendship bracelet for Putin.

THEY LAUGH

That is brilliant.

In my mind, I was capable of... BOTH: World peace.

I know that sounds... No. No, it doesn't sound...

To me, it doesn't sound... Doesn't sound...

I'm smiling because... Yeah. ..you know, I can relate to it.

I didn't start wearing my underpants over my trousers, by the way.

I haven't gone that far!

THEY LAUGH

Despite the drama of her manic episode,

it is depression which Sarah feels

had the more profound impact on her life,

and she's keen to share with me exactly how she felt.

This was in 2015.

I was in the middle of depression.

SOBBING: I know that you're recording.

MAN: Good.

Why are you doing that?

So we can look back on it when you're better.

There's a reason that the Monopoly went missing -

cos I'm jinxed.

It's got nothing to do with you.

People that work with me...get hurt.

You know, it's...

ON VIDEO: People who try to help me get hurt.

It's all these negative beliefs... Yeah.

..that, you know, anyone listening to me can see it's...

ON VIDEO: I'm jinxed. I give up!

Can you...?

Can you remember all of that? Yeah. You can?

Yeah.

ON VIDEO: ..but it's not genuine, cos in here, I'm an empty vessel.

That was a four-month-long depression in the end.

And I was like that for four months. Oh, my God! Yeah.

I think that's amazing, that you can bring yourself to show...

..to show that. Really powerful. Yeah.

But, you know, it's an illness. Yes.

I have been to the darkest places I think anyone can go to... Go, yes.

..and I've come through the other side, and it's empowering.

I was surprised by Sarah's honesty talking about her darkest moments.

It's something I've never spoken about publicly.

INTERVIEWER: Do you find it hard to talk about depression?

Yeah, I do. I do... I do find it...

I do find it difficult to talk about depression.

So this next clip is from a show

you've previously told me you found difficult.

Helena! Hello. So what are you doing?

I'm making toffee apples with a twist.

And what's the twist? It's got a savoury centre.

Are you putting any unexpected combinations in this? Yes.

You are? Yes, I am. Oh, yes!

My biggest thing with this show...

..I was no good on there.

My mind was like...

..hollow. I don't know... I don't know how to express it.

I was tired as well, so I was...

In the breaks, I was laying down on the sofa in my dressing room,

listening to tutored meditation in the gaps,

just to try and get my mind into a different space, cos it was...

It was in a dark, really dark place.

I was probably quite heavily depressed then.

I wondered if I...

"If there was a gun here, would I use it?"

But there wasn't. And then I...

I thought of other ways of ending it,

and then decided at the end that I wasn't ready for that.

But they all went through my head.

Can we stop that one there? Yep.

If you have bipolar and it's untreated,

it's potentially really dangerous.

You know, the depressions can become so severe

that somebody becomes suicidal.

And the manias equally can become really quite severe.

And both depression and mania can keep coming back

and have profound impacts on somebody's quality of life.

So actually, the illness gets worse if it's untreated over many years,

over many decades.

Looking back,

I can now see that my mood swings were becoming more extreme.

The depression gave way to what I now know were periods of mania.

So coming back to the sweet shop analogy,

with hindsight, when I was in a manic state,

there were so many ideas.

So it's raining sweets.

The imagination was running so fast, you can't catch them all.

I couldn't turn one of them into something creative...

..because it was being interrupted by another piece of imagination.

And it's just not good generally.

INTERVIEWER: So, Heston, what I'm going to play for you now

is an interview you did for BBC Click,

which is a technology show, back in 2020.

OK, and this will be interesting to watch because...

..I don't remember it.

I think it's time to get a view from someone who is world-famous

at using science and tech in the kitchen.

It's only Heston Blumenthal! Hey, Heston. How are you doing?

I'm very good. How are you? Yeah, all right.

Thank you very much. Getting used to this new normal... "All right"?

All right?

My word!

So I'll come on to this in a bit,

but one of the great strengths of human beings

is their ability to connect.

We have human beings and human doings.

So we have a sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system.

So we have a relationship with ourselves

like Alice In Wonderland - Big Me, Mini Me.

All he asked me... He's asked me one question, "How are you?"

That's it.

So we've got to grow up and go to school and go to work

and get degrees and earn some money and have a pension

and do all of these things...

And I'm going through a whole kind of evolution of human beings.

ON VIDEO: Now, language...

HE SIGHS

In Tibet, they have 72,000 different words for emotions,

but it's not enough.

I just haven't stopped talking yet. I haven't come up for air.

Must be breathing through my ears or something.

I... You can edit this out, actually, if you want.

Well, I mean, I have to say...

I mean, this is... This is fabulous. This is not what I was expecting.

Do you remember what this interview was supposed to be about?

No. I'm sure you'll tell me.

I can't even guess.

I mean, was it about the evolution of human beings?

No, it was about whether you could use robot arms in kitchens.

Was that what it was about? Yeah.

We're about half an hour in and we haven't got there yet.

I could answer that really easily now.

I think if we use robots to do the jobs that human beings...

Oh, no. I'll leave it.

When Newton... When the apple fell from the tree,

it took him ten years between that and his formula,

but he didn't actually consider the fact

that the Earth was also spinning up to the apple.

Oh, no!

When you look at a fire flickering, or sunlight flickering on the sea,

or moonlight on the sea, and you listen to music...

It's like I was trying to condense a whole book into...

I don't know, I don't know, but it's... It's full-on.

ON VIDEO: ..dance, the music, and the...

Would you say this is footage of you when you're manic?

Yes.

I want to put the shadow back into the sunlight.

I want to put the inside out back into the outside in.

I want to put the being back into the human.

What about our relationship?

If you hate your telephone, don't blame it on the phone.

Actually...look at your relationship with the telephone.

To live with me,

if I was talking like that all the time...

I think that brings me... That brings tears to my eyes,

because of the thought of what they had to put up with...

..the potential that I might have...

..upset, troubled, worried, emotionally harmed

the people that love me and that I love.

Do you think you might have done?

Well, certainly... Certainly Melanie, because...

..she saw it escalate.

What impact do you think...

..your manic highs had on your children?

Er... That's a good question.

I don't know, cos I haven't asked them.

Is that something you'd be prepared to do?

Is that something we should do?

Yeah, we should ask them.

Hello! We should be there in 20 minutes.

See you. Bye.

I'm off to see Jack, my son...

..who's about 15 minutes down the road from Bray, in Marlow,

and he's opened his own restaurant.

Service, please!

I'm slightly nervous.

Maybe I don't want to know the answers to some of my questions

I'm going to ask - you know, what was it like?

All right? How are you? Likewise, I'm good, thanks.

So I've done a sort of master interview,

and Joe, who's interviewing me, said,

"What do your kids think of your bipolar?"

And I stopped and thought, "I haven't spoken to them about it,"

until now.

You know, we found it difficult as a family.

Obviously, you're kind of keeping everything together.

It's nice now to have... not a label on it,

but something we can refer back to and think,

"Oh, he wasn't just being a dick," type of thing.

Yeah. We just wanted a relaxing conversation with our dad,

and we weren't allowed to have one.

Cos I just didn't... You just didn't want... Exactly. You didn't want it.

You didn't want to know anyone's thoughts.

I just don't think you gave a shit.

I'd say, "Yeah, we're all right, we're just doing this."

And you would just literally talk over

and then go, "I'm doing this, that, that, that, that, that.

"I'm going to change the world."

It always started off really well for a few minutes,

and then it just turned...

A few minutes? Yeah. I had to walk away sometimes. I had to go like,

"We're not doing this."

And every time you'd probably try to hype ourselves up to come see you,

and it was like a massive... I'm so sorry.

If we planned it three weeks in advance,

mentally just getting prepared just to see you for half an hour.

It was horrible. And it was constant.

And there was nothing I could do to help you.

Get myself together. Yeah.

Erm... Come. You know, talking about this...

this happened.

And I realised...

..it's...

..not...not me being bipolar, or it is me being bipolar,

it's damaging the people I love.

The people around me.

So I'm sorry.

All right.

Right.

And I don't think you have to say that, because we know.

We know you kind of were in a bit of a world of your own

on certain points,

and this conversation needs to be had, isn't it?

I think. Because we're... Yes.

But I just want you to know that I love you.

I forgive you for everything. I'm really proud to be your son.

I'm just waiting for my lips to stop quivering.

I want to thank you. Thank you for this.

I want you to know how sincerely sorry I am.

I love you.

I love you, my children, so much.

And I can see it now.

Should we hug it out? Come on.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now I can see how distant I became as a father.

I didn't realise I was hurting any of my kids in those moments,

but that can be changed now. So this is a really big...

..turn of a page.

INTERVIEWER: I know this is difficult, but I'd like to talk

about the time just before you were sectioned.

Erm...

HE SIGHS

..my perception of the days leading up to my hospitalisation

and the reality that I've since learned from Melanie

are really quite different, quite different pictures.

At this point, we are in mid-October,

between September and October, yeah.

And I just feel everything escalating.

The levels of energy, the sensitivity, let's say,

the way of reacting to things.

I didn't really see that there was anything wrong.

I was in a good mood.

I was really... I was thinking I was happy.

You could see that he was all over the place.

I went to visit Heston in France.

I had no idea things were spiralling out of control.

I had no idea about that.

Pretty much from the get go, he was hyper.

Heston's dog Harry. One of these days that we were there,

he was stood there and he was like, "Yeah, I've been working on

"this thing where I talk to him telepathically."

And I was like, "OK."

And he's like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, watch.

"Look at the dog, look at the dog, look at the dog,

you know, "watch this."

He felt this was, you know, important and...and real.

He seemed obviously intense

and his train of thought was different.

He wasn't sleeping any more, but at all. At all.

He had ideas,

but the ideas were a kind of nonsense.

Yeah, I had these feelings of, I'd say, grandiosity,

or I was like Superman.

I believed that I could change the world.

For example, I thought I could solve the water crisis

by getting everyone access to clean drinking water.

TV chef Heston Blumenthal shocked the world today

by bringing an end to the water crisis.

It comes just days after he successfully brokered world peace.

How the hell was I going to do that all by myself? I don't know.

But I believed in it.

He was starting to lock himself in his universe,

and we were absolutely disconnected.

Something changed.

He started to really being obsessed with,

"Yes, I need to organise my will."

OK. Anyone can do that.

Erm... "But why I do not organise my death?

"We have a connection with the number seven,

"so why not in seven years?"

And then it turns like, "Why we don't do it together?"

It's just... Something is not OK.

At this point, for me, these things were not OK.

It sort of feels a bit weird to sort of say it out loud,

but...Heston's one of those people that I sort of thought

that maybe at some point I'd get that phone call,

that he wasn't, you know, he hadn't done well.

I had that feeling.

He started to have this hallucination.

I just saw this gun on the table.

I was inquisitive, I'd say.

Er...I touched it. I didn't pick it up.

Afterwards, I wondered if it was actually a real gun on the table,

would I have used it?

And I asked myself this question.

I'd like to think I wouldn't have done.

But I don't know. Erm...

That just... That disturbed Melanie.

You realise that he's started to really be a danger to himself.

Unfortunately, you can't bring someone to reason

to follow you to the hospital.

There's just one way. It's, er... Yeah.

Calling the medical team to see if they section him or not.

It's a lot of guilt.

It's a lot of guilt. It's a lot of questions. It's...

Me, I had to keep in my mind, like, "He's going to hate me.

"He's going to hate me."

But at this point, if I left him like that,

it could be also not helping him?

Looking at him...

..I don't know, dying? Because it was that, we were on this point.

Erm...

Yeah, it's, it's... It's tough.

I spent two weeks in the psychiatric hospital,

then moved to a specialist clinic for six weeks,

so it was a total of two months.

Would I have sectioned myself? No way.

But she had to do it for me and for herself as well.

Looking back at it...

..the alternative was not an option,

because I wouldn't be here any more.

My bipolar had to progress to a point where I was a danger to myself

before anyone could raise the alarm.

Being known for my energy and creativity

might have made people less likely to question my behaviour.

It's estimated that one in three people with bipolar

only get their diagnosis after being hospitalised,

so I've been speaking openly about my condition

to help raise awareness.

I'm in a lucky position

that I have a platform...

..to...to actually spread the word

to make people more aware of the condition.

Lovely to see you. Lovely to see you, guys. Take care.

What kind of impact, then, has the diagnosis had on you?

The more time passes since I came out of hospital,

the more I can look back and think,

"Oh, my God, that behaviour wasn't normal."

I mean, how are you now?

They've been reducing my...

Er, the doctor's reducing my medication,

but I feel I'm stabilising, which is...which is really good.

Heston, thanks so much.

Really appreciate you talking so openly. Thank you.

Afterwards, I was overwhelmed by the number of people

who got in touch to share their own stories.

Many told me about the poor level of support they've received.

There are an estimated 1 million people with bipolar here in the UK.

Are we doing enough to look after them?

So this is the main BBC newsroom.

It's one of the biggest newsrooms in the world.

In the world? Yeah. What's...? That's the studio over there?

That's one of the news studios.

If you walk in the background of that one,

then you can be sometimes seen.

Health investigations reporter Chloe Hayward

has spent months researching bipolar care,

talking to patients up and down the country.

More people have bipolar in this country than have dementia.

But when I sent emails to NHS England saying, "Please can

"I have some information around the number people with bipolar,

"the number of beds for people with bipolar,"

it was, like, "We're really sorry, we can't give you that information,

"but we can give it to you for dementia and schizophrenia."

So do you think the health service are not doing enough?

I think when it comes to bipolar,

there is a lot of capacity to do more.

One of the key things is the fact that in this country,

it's total pot luck.

Where you live reflects how good your care is.

This map - so this is the number of psychiatrists available

per 100,000 people in the country.

So in Scotland, you've got 22 per 100,000 people.

And think how spread out Scotland is.

So the distances people are having to travel to try and get that care.

Yeah. But when you look at Wales and the south west -

so Wales less than 17, south west less than 16 psychiatrists

per 100,000 of the population.

And we're not talking about just psychiatrists

that are looking after people with a bipolar diagnosis.

We're talking about people with dementia,

people with schizophrenia,

we're talking about people with depression.

And of course, you need a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis.

Absolutely. You cannot get a bipolar diagnosis without seeing

a psychiatrist in this country.

So what's the result of this poor level of care regarding bipolar?

The numbers are very stark in terms of quality of life

and outcome for life.

So the number of people taking their own lives,

who have a bipolar diagnosis, is on the rise.

So quite in contrast to overall population rates,

where actually the suicide rates are falling.

I thought Chloe said some things that were really quite disturbing.

I mean, the sheer lack of psychiatrists that we've got

in this country means that people, to get a diagnosis,

they have to wait for years.

And when you consider you've got the manic highs,

where they can be wonderful for people to do some

very dangerous things, and then you get the manic lows

where you have attempted or actual suicide.

It's really dangerous. It's a terrible situation.

Chloe has suggested I come to Clacton-on-Sea

to meet a family that's experienced this first-hand.

Rebecca McLellan, a student paramedic,

was diagnosed with bipolar aged 22.

My bipolar right now be popping, right?

I'm in a mixed episode. It's been like it for a few weeks.

All in a day's work, if you like.

But just two years later,

in her flat in Ipswich, she died by suicide.

Her mother, Natalie, feels that the poor care Rebecca received

contributed to her death.

So, Natalie, tell me about Rebecca.

Well, where do you start about Rebecca?

I'll show you some photographs of her,

because it's important for you to see who she was.

Lovely smile. She did.

She was always smiling when she was well.

She was a very bright, funny, beautiful, well thought of person.

There's some beautiful photographs here.

Yeah. I don't think she really took a bad one.

When did you first realise Rebecca was struggling?

She was about 21 at that point, when she actually first went to

the doctors and said, "I think there's something going on."

So she was aware and started to try and do something about it?

She did, yeah. Yeah. She went and talked to them.

I think she thought that they were going to give her

some antidepressants and off she'd go. I don't think for one second

she thought that she was going to get the diagnosis that she did,

and she didn't get it straight away either.

It wasn't until 2022 that she was actually diagnosed with bipolar.

Yeah.

Over the next year,

Rebecca tried various medications to manage her bipolar,

but they proved ineffective,

and her wellbeing started to deteriorate.

So we get to sort of May '23,

and she had serious suicidal ideation.

She was telling them that she was suicidal.

She didn't tell anyone else.

She was having massive depressive episodes at that point,

and she was ringing the mental health unit saying, "I need help.

"I need someone to ring me back. I need to come in."

And what happens? Nothing. Nothing? They didn't...

They didn't call her back. They didn't get back in touch with her.

And that takes us to the 7th of August.

She presented herself at the Mental Health Crisis Unit,

and that was where she'd been referred to by her GP.

That was where they told her to go if she was in crisis.

She begged for help.

They... I've got video footage

of them talking over her for six minutes.

I'll play you the video.

ON VIDEO: I can't, I can't go to A&E.

I work for the Ambulance Service. I'm not going over to A&E.

Like I say, I don't care who it is,

any kind of mental health professional,

any kind of mental health professional.

It doesn't even have to be my team, a psychiatrist, anything.

I'm not going to go over it again.

Every single time I get promised a call back,

and nothing, and literally nothing ha... And nothing...

..but you are going to need to see,

if there is nobody available to see you, and I'm sorry about that.

I saw my GP on Wednesday.

Erm, she called personally herself, raising her concerns.

I'd actually called the day before, and they said that they'd call me

and have me in, and things have reached that point,

and I don't mean to be a bitch,

but I'm not leaving until I speak to someone.

Because we'll call police or security.

Please do. I just need to speak to anyone at all.

I need speak to someone. Anyone at all.

"I'll call the police." Yeah. It's outrageous.

It's outrageous. She's just been kicked away. Yeah.

God. Yeah.

And that's really difficult to watch.

Really difficult. Sorry.

Sorry.

I saw her about a week and a half later,

and they'd put her on an antidepressant at that point.

In the following months, Rebecca's mental health improved,

but after a suspected adverse reaction to one of her medications,

her psychiatrist insisted that she switched to lithium instead.

Lithium is a safe and effective treatment,

but requires careful management.

She was terrified of lithium.

You have to titrate off of all of your drugs.

Yeah. Then go on to the lithium. I've gone through that.

I think she thought that she was going to have to do that

with no mental health support,

because that's what she'd experienced.

That was her whole experience,

that she was going to be titrated off of everything...

With no support. No support.

She'd rang them back and said,

"I really don't want to go on lithium."

She rang them and contacted them several times over a couple of days.

They were supposed to come back to her,

and they didn't come back to her.

And then she took her life on the 20th.

She thought that she had no option.

You know? I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

It's not easy. No, it can't be. No.

And I think, erm...

..losing her... Yeah. ..is awful.

Losing her when something could have been done about it,

or certainly her suffering could have been less... Yeah.

..is, erm, far worse.

You know, she, on paper, had it all, Heston. And I think,

like yourself, you know, she was successful,

she was popular, she was doing the career she wanted,

she had a flat, she had a nice car. Yeah. She had it all.

But actually, that doesn't mean that it can't take you,

it can't take over your life if it's not managed correctly.

And actually, all she wanted was some help to manage it properly.

And I try not to be bitter, but I get very angry.

She absolutely suffered more than she needed to suffer.

And that's, you know, that's a fact.

That's a fact. That's tough.

You don't ever want your children to suffer. That...

I don't...

It's tough. It's really tough. Yeah.

And this must be really close to the bone for you because this

is what you live, just like she did, you know?

And you're not on your own.

Other people are out there feeling the same. Yeah, exactly.

That was an eye-opener, for sure.

Erm, I was lucky in that, with my sectioning,

I was being monitored, and then afterwards, I had support.

But the nature of this condition,

if there isn't the care, the support network,

around individuals with bipolar...

then... Look at Rebecca. People will take their lives.

And the longer it takes to get this sorted out,

the more lives will be lost.

We are letting people down in the UK who have bipolar disorder.

Someone with bipolar untreated can die

at least 10 or 15 years earlier than the general population.

And that's a real tragedy and that doesn't need to happen.

You can have a perfectly beautiful, normal life.

Sadly, we just don't have the structures

and the services that support patients,

so that's what we need to change.

Picked a nice day for it, Heston. Yeah, it's lovely.

Over the last 30 years, The Fat Duck has shaped me

more than anything else in my life.

Funnily enough,

maybe the hardest thing of all in the recovery process

when I was in hospital is that it took me away from the restaurant.

OK, here we go.

Hello! How are you? I'm very good. Nice to see you.

Good to see you. Hey, how's it going?

How are you? Good. Hi, chaps. Chapettes. Chapesses.

When we started making this programme,

I was concerned, apprehensive, let's say,

that maybe my creativity and my imagination would go,

would disappear.

Hey, how's it going? How are you? Yeah, good, man.

Hi, chaps. Hello, Chef.

But I'm still full of creativity, imagination,

and happy to be alive.

This is snail porridge. The famous snail porridge.

Was I worried for him? Yeah.

But I can only see him getting more positive from here.

That's who he is.

Backs, please.

And now I've got my husband,

who is waking up with a smile, who is motivated.

It's a process, but it's a good one. It's a good one.

So this is the chocolate room.

I still have bipolar, and I had bipolar before,

I just don't have those manic states.

Never a million miles away from a jug of liquid nitrogen here.

The peaks of my manic highs have shrunk

and the depths of the lows have risen.

But I'm still Heston.

Want to know more about the lived experience of bipolar?

Watch the Open University's new animation,

which brings a personal account to life.

Scan the QR code on screen or visit...

..and follow the links

to the Open University.