Original subtitles

Hi, I rushed over as fast as I could.

I'm going to get right to the point.

Kate, let's do it.

Pardon me?

Let's get married.

Mike, I waited so long to hear you say that. I'm so happy.

Oh, great, then it's settled.

Well, this is so unexpected.

Oh, well, Kate, with my folks filling the house and moving to Washington, D

Parents are moving to Washington? I mean, I've got to start thinking about

future. I mean, our future, dearest.

I mean, let's face it, Kate, it's going to be tough.

Oh, I know, but we can do it. I mean, we might have to scrimp and save it. Oh, I

am so glad you're up for this.

I mean, I was actually thinking that I was going to have to find myself a new

apartment. Oh, really?

Oh, yeah, but now we can stay at your place.

My place?

Oh, then we agree.

I was worried there for a second. I mean, let's face it, my mom is not going

be around to do my cooking and cleaning anymore.

Maybe.

But if we were married, then I could do those things.

Exactly.

I mean, I could keep the refrigerator full.

and I could help pay those bills.

Oh, Kate, you're reading my mind. Hey, you could have your friends over, and I

could wait on them hand and foot. We are so in sync, Kate. This is the perfect

time for us to be together.

Mike, you're amazing.

Well, thank you, but I did have a whole night to work this out.

Mike Seaver, I've got three little words for you.

I love you.

Get a dog.

Come on, Mr. Blowhole, you're being a baby about this.

Chris, Hugh, what are you doing?

Ben, I'm not going to lie to you. We've got a problem here.

What is it?

Well, I was carrying some boxes to the garage, and all of a sudden, Mr.

Blowhole made a run for it.

He said he's not going to Washington.

Oh, well, tough luck.

Ben!

Would you talk to him for me?

Chris, he's a stuffed animal.

You hurt his feelings.

Okay.

Stay there, Blowhole.

Listen up. We're moving. Deal with it.

Mr. Blowhole, that wasn't very nice.

What did he say?

He says you're acting like a poopy head.

Wait a minute. I don't need attitude from a whale.

Why me?

Here, Ben, you want to hold her?

You're big brother, Ben, now.

I'm going to be a good big brother, Chris.

You'll see.

Okay.

Now, why won't he go to Washington?

He's afraid he won't have any friends to play with.

Well, does he know that I'm going to be there, and so will Mom and Dad?

I'm talking friends here, Ben. You know, his kind.

Oh, um, well, um, maybe he'll, uh, maybe he'll listen to this, um,

this big butt thing here.

That's for the big jeans.

Man, she needs to cut back on the honey.

You wonder why all the animals talk behind your back.

Hi there, Mr. Blowhole.

Oh, um, Ben, one thing.

Mr. Blowhole's good friends with Papa Pig.

Okay.

Now, see here, Blowhole. You have to move with the family.

Mr. Blowhole says he was born in this house, and it's the only place he ever

lived.

Well, Washington, D .C. is a nice place to live.

Ben, he's scared.

Don't be scared, Mr. Blowhole.

We're your family.

And when a family goes somewhere, they have nothing to be afraid of.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What?

Mr. Blowhole says he'll go.

Yay!

And Mr. Blowhole wants to give you the biggest kiss of all.

Oh, that's all right.

Kiss Mr.

Blowhole.

Okay. Come here, Blowhole.

Pucker up.

Uh,

no, um, no. Uh, you see, uh, see, blowhole here, he didn't want to go.

And, and, and Christy, she... Why me?

Hey, Dad.

I think it's time we have a guy -to -guy talk.

be nice, Mike, but I'm a little busy right now.

Oh, that's up to you, Dad, but can you afford to put your future on hold?

Oh, my God, you've got a job selling life insurance.

No, it's just that, I mean, did you know that moving can be one of life's most

stressful experiences?

I mean, it's right up there with losing a loved one and listening to Ben eat.

What's this all about?

The truth?

Well, yeah, after 20 years, that would be a refreshing change.

Okay, Dad, the truth is that with you and Mom moving to Washington, I don't

what's going to happen to me.

I didn't know you felt that way.

Well, neither did I until I found myself proposing to Kate.

You proposed?

Mom, Kate, congrats. Just turn me down.

I guess the woman's allergic to cooking and cleaning.

You mentioned cooking and cleaning in a proposal?

Well, that's not the only thing I said, Dad. I mean, I also covered love and

rent.

Well, you can't get married at a convenience.

Why not?

Because marriage isn't about convenience, Mike. It's about

Look at me. I'm moving my practice to Washington.

You're moving all your nutcases to Washington?

No, there are plenty of nutcases in Washington.

They're not nutcases, Mike.

No, it's just like, hey, when I heard about the move, I said, forget it.

But the thing about a relationship is that sometimes you have to consider

another person's needs before your own. Put yours on hold.

Yeah, that's exactly what I asked Kate to do. And she said no.

What I meant was maybe you could put Kate's needs first.

But don't let us moving to Washington throw you into a panic, Mike. You're

to be able to fend for yourself.

You have grown up.

I have? Oh, yeah. You're ready for responsibility now.

Total re... Okay, look, here's the deal.

I'll give you a little more freedom.

You better promise me a lot more responsibility.

Hey, no problem, Dad. I swear I am ready for total responsibility.

Mike, I'm not ready for total responsibility.

Some responsibility.

I hear you, Dad.

I'm going to take responsibility for my life.

And I'm going to start by apologizing to Kate.

I just wish I knew the right way to do it.

Well, if you don't mind me saying so, I think that the best way to a woman's

heart is sincerity.

And if that's not working, try a little gift.

No, it's a 150 -pound bonbon.

Unwrap me.

Pass.

Well, then at least read the card.

I heard everything you had to say this morning.

Wait! Come on, it's hot in here. I blacked out twice already.

For you.

Thank you.

I had candles going, but I singed my hair.

I've got something on the stove.

Kate, look, I'm sorry about this morning.

Kate,

it's just that with my folks moving to Washington, I went temporarily insane.

Asking you to marry me was just a knee -jerk reaction.

I got it half right.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm selfish and immature and I'm thoughtless

rude and spoiled.

Stop me any time here.

I will when I disagree.

Kate, I'm asking you to marry me. Again? Yeah.

When the time is right.

Huh?

Well, first I want to finish school and start a career.

So that I can give you the life that you deserve.

So will you marry me?

Someday?

Maybe.

Ask me.

Someday.

Hey, hey, be careful. You're going to crush my packing peanuts.

Hey, Carol.

Carol, what are you doing?

Just looking, thinking.

It seems so weird to think that sooner I won't be welcome in this house.

Well, it seems like you should be used to that, by the way.

Sorry. It's on autopilot.

We haven't had the greatest relationship, have we?

Well, I don't know why you say that.

Hello?

Hey!

Hey,

that hurt!

Hello? Oh, hi, Bobby. Lucky you caught me.

I was just heading out the door.

Well, at least we won't be living under the same roof at each other's throats

all the time. Yeah, what a relief.

I mean, after 21 years together, we need a break.

Wow, 21 years.

Yeah.

You have always been obnoxious.

Read this line.

I hate this book.

Oh, how do you know you haven't even read it?

I heard about it. I'll just wait for the movie.

Mikey. Okay, okay.

Don't help me.

wag his tail.

Maggie, did you just... I heard her! She can read! Four years old and she can

read! It's a miracle.

Oh, it's fantastic!

Our little genius.

Oh, I've got to go call Mom and Dad.

Yeah, it's all good to think of her.

Turn the page.

I want to see how it comes out.

You've got to make me look bad, don't you?

Yeah.

Big deal.

So what if you can read? It doesn't mean nothing.

It means I'm smart and you're stupid.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. You're never even going to graduate. I bet you 50 bucks I do.

Okay, sucker.

Let's graduate.

Well, I graduated, didn't I?

Yeah. And you were smart enough to stop me from making the biggest mistake of my

life. What are you talking about? You're still dating Dwight.

No, I was talking about the time I wanted to get a nose job.

If you think I'm even aware that you've been calling me funny -looking for the

past all my life, you're crazy.

Carol, why would you even listen to me?

Come on, Carol, look, you're my sister.

I'm supposed to call you ugly.

It's my job.

What, now I suppose you're going to say you didn't mean it?

Look...

All right, all right, look, did you mean it all those times you called me so

incredibly stupid?

All right, all right, bad example.

Carol, come on. This is brother and sister stuff here, you know? I mean,

look, Eddie calls his sister ugly. Boner thinks his sister is ugly.

Boner's sister is ugly.

That's not the point, Carol.

The point is, you're not ugly.

I mean...

As a matter of fact, in the last couple of years, you've been kind of... You've

been getting better looking.

Oh, sure.

Carol, this is tough for me, all right?

Look, I mean, I see the way guys look at you, and I know that look.

Yeah? Yeah, I mean, you know, when your friends look at your sister that way,

it's kind of weird.

So you think I'm... Think.

What? Pretty.

I said I think you're kind of pretty.

What?

You think I'm pretty?

Yeah, look, and if you have any sensitivity at all, you will never ever

anyone I said you were pretty.

You know, Carol, I've been thinking.

I mean, after 21 years of my zingers, you shouldn't just have to quit cold

turkey.

What?

Well, I think we should get together every once in a while.

Just to make sure that, well, that you don't start getting the idea that you're

normal or anything.

You'd do that for me?

Sure.

Jerk.

Geek. Okay.

For our last meal, we'll pretend that this is an elegant banquet.

With a make -believe table, make -believe chairs.

And make -believe food.

Where are those guys?

It's about time.

Hey, pizza guy.

Good, I'm starving.

Oh, great, food.

I can't believe we're actually leaving.

I know, can you believe that this is the last meal we'll ever have in this

house?

That's right. Cherry stale pizza.

Smelling Ben.

Too late to sell her with the house.

Amazing that this house has survived four Seaver children.

I'll remember this as the house my babies grew up in.

Well, they sure were cute as little kids.

And then they grew up.

Why is everybody looking at me? Well, you're the only guy we've ever heard of

who could pull off scams in two cities at the same time. Remember the time that

you snuck off to California? You left Ben and Carol the cover for you?

Mike!

I was in here first, dog breath.

Mike, don't call your sister names.

All right.

Mom, he's been in there all morning, and he says he's going to stay in through

breakfast.

Mike, you don't want breakfast?

No breakfast this morning, Mom.

What are you doing in there?

Whatever it is, it sure smells good.

What?

Oh, what do you know, Ben? The telephone's ringing at 7 .59 exactly.

Oh.

Carol? I got it.

Yeah, I'm really enjoying my five hours here in Denver.

Why am I whispering?

Mike, telephone!

I'll take it upstairs.

Carol, who's on the phone?

Mike.

Um, um, and Boner. He's going over to Boner's house. Wait a minute.

Mike. Uh, Dad.

You're not going anywhere, mister.

I'm not?

Who's Dad talking to?

Mike, bye.

Don't worry, he's not taking off until he does his share of the shoveling.

Dad, that's going to be a little tough.

Mike, I want to see you outside in five minutes. No excuses.

Say goodbye, boner.

Uh, goodbye, Dr. Thieva.

Hey, look, I'm not the only con artist in this house.

How about Benny? He's starting to get united.

Hello, God?

What are you doing?

I have... I happen to be praying for money.

Ben, you can't pray for money.

Believe me, I've tried.

You actually think God's going to send you a check or something?

Amen.

Money for the needy.

Come on, let's not forget about Carol.

Me? I have never pulled a scam in my life.

Oh, well, what about the time you tried to fool that recruiter from Boston

College?

Mike dragged in some bum off the street to play me in a challenging dual role.

Doc Seaver, it's a pleasure.

I see you're still wearing the Boston College colors.

Oh, yeah.

Say, can I get you a sherry?

No, thank you.

Great, more for me.

My brother, Mike.

Hey, you.

What's up?

So, Dr. Seaver, I understand that you're a psychiatrist.

Uh, yeah, you better believe it.

Actually, I'm sorry your wife won't be joining us this evening.

Oh, yes, I'm sick about the fact that Mickey can't be here.

Isn't that Maggie?

Uh, yeah, Mickey's just my pet name for her when we're in the sack.

Let me begin by saying that your high school grades are nothing short of

spectacular. Thank you.

And can you believe she got those straight A's after missing six whole

because of reform school?

What? A little misunderstanding over a knife.

We're damn proud of the little slut.

That is nothing compared to the Goofy Glue incident.

Goofy Glue incident?

No, yeah. Did anyone ever tell you about that one?

No. Oh, boy. Well, it started when Carol broke that lamp that was right here.

And the genius here thought that he could glue it back together. Yeah. Oh,

perfect.

It isn't bad. Do you think it'll hold?

What are you kidding? On a commercial, this stuff holds five elephants over the

Grand Canyon.

Anything on TV that isn't true.

Well, we're in the clear now. You two clean up the mess.

Carol, if I'd clean up the mess around here, you'd probably find yourself

standing in a trash can out by the curb.

Come on, Ben, get up.

You're kidding, right?

No, he isn't.

What are you screaming about?

I don't know. I've never been glued to a table before.

All right, put your hands on my neck, and when I pull on you, I'll throw your

weight towards me, okay? Okay. All right, ready?

One, two, three.

Like that, I've always been a perfect angel.

Oh, well, what about the time you threw that tantrum because you thought we were

all playing around after you went to bed? Yeah.

You might help it if I've got a healthy imagination.

It's not fair.

How come I have to go to bed and everyone else gets to stay up and have

I hear you laughing.

I know what you do. Wait, of course he goes to bed, then party, party, party.

I guess Chrissy must be asleep by now.

What do you want to do tonight?

Oh, I don't know.

Want to play Barbies?

some vegetables.

Guess we better hit the road.

Yeah, I gotta go break in my new landlord.

Dwight's driving me to my dorm.

Can't we stay and see what the new people look like?

I'd rather not know.

Me either.

Oh, come on. We better get moving.

So, bye.