Original subtitles

Looking sharp, Dad.

Well, I have no choice. To your mother, a woman in the high -maintenance

category, requires a top -drawer evening.

FYI, Dad, it's popcorn shrimp night at the Sizzler.

Well, thanks, but unfortunately, three months ago, we planned tonight for a

special night of theater, dinner, dancing, and the works.

The works?

Oh, you mean sex.

I know you're 15, but not everything you hear is a euphemism for sex.

Well, I guess not.

I mean, you sure don't seem very excited about taking Mom out.

Well, it's just that I have a speech to prepare for Monday. I've got the clinic

budgets due next week, and I'd cancel tonight, but it would break your

heart.

Ooh, you look fabulous.

Well, I've been looking forward to this for months.

I'll pull the car around.

I'm thrilled. Oh, me too.

I'd do anything to get out of this.

Huh? Oh, I've got a column due next week, and I'm in the middle of

another. I need a night out like I need a paper cut.

Gee, Mom, Dad sure would be disappointed if you didn't go. Well, I know, but...

Mom, is it okay if I borrowed your perfume?

Oh, of course, honey.

Anything you want.

I'm just so glad to have you home.

Mom, take it easy. You're giving me hug burns.

Man. Dad can't wait to get you alone, Mom.

Oh, no, I'll go get my coat. The sooner I get this started, the sooner I get it

over with.

Marriage is never going to do that to me.

Oh, Kate, thanks for agreeing to have dinner with Dwight and me.

I mean, I really want Mike and Dwight to be friends, but I know you had to talk

Mike into coming tonight.

Don't be silly. Mike's really looking forward to this. He's so excited.

I've got a tapeworm.

Baby, where does it hurt?

Uh, well, right there.

You're going, and if you hurt Dwight's feelings, you'll wish you had a

My trip to London really mellowed her out.

A tapeworm?

Well, I was going to go with Ricketts, but I figured she wouldn't buy it two

times in a row.

Why didn't you tell Mommy that Daddy didn't want to go?

Well, because they think I'm going over to Stinky's. So?

Well... I'm actually going cruising with Chuck Steak. Tonight, he's going to let

me ride inside the car.

Told a lie.

Quiet or I'll melt your Disney tapes.

Hello?

The woman who has to put up with you tonight.

A broken leg?

As in you can't come babysit?

Well, if no bones are poking out, I don't see why not.

But you have to.

It's a matter of life and death.

I was actually going to ride with Chuck Steak. No more running alongside.

I'll explain to you why I need new shoes.

Shh! I'm watching TV.

Yo, Chuck Steak! Want to come in?

You look like a loser.

Welcome to the land that time forgot.

It's an attic.

No, it's not. It's a medieval banquet hall.

Ah, my mistake.

Carol, everything looks beautiful.

Why, thank you. Now, please sit down and make yourselves comfortable.

I'll go fetch our sumptuous repast so we can sate our appetites and slake our

thirsts.

That means you get to eat and drink.

Do you need some help, my dearest darling?

Oh, no thank you, my luscious lamb chop.

Are you sure my stalwart stevedore?

Ooh, quite my whimsical wench.

Girl,

your dress is beautiful.

Thank you, Dwight made it.

Yes, he sews.

Hey, Dwight, how'd you open that door?

Oh, simple.

I read you two electric pressure mats on both sides. If the door opens and

closes, it's on its own. Oh, where'd you get that idea? The lost notebooks of

Leonardo da Vinci?

No, the door at the Piggly Wiggly.

I could increase clinic manpower and... Will you knock it off? You're supposed

to be enjoying a night out with your wife.

Oh, look at her. Having the time of her life.

I'd give you cash to turn this car around.

Stop it. You know how much he wants to go out tonight.

I'd rather put thumbtacks in my shorts.

I should tell him.

I've got so much to do at home. I've got to tell him.

Sweetheart, I...

Oh, you go first.

Well, honey, how do you feel about going out tonight?

Oh, dead.

And, uh, tingly.

You?

Oh, in the ballpark of jazz.

Just this side of tingly.

What, more like, uh... I'd rather have thumbtacks in my shorts.

Honey,

I'm so sorry.

You'd rather have thumbtacks, too? Yeah.

I don't want to go out tonight.

You want to go home? Oh, you bet.

Oh, honey, isn't this the silliest thing we've ever done? Well, we did have a

slight miscommunication, based on our great love for one another.

But we can still get off at the next off -ramp, go straight home, and make the

most of what is left of this evening. Okay.

Oh, but why are we slowing down?

Well, there's some brake lights up ahead.

Probably just some minor delay.

Interesting.

99 % flavor -free.

You have absolutely no sense of adventure.

Say, I'm here, aren't I?

So, uh, Dwight, what else are we having?

Thought you'd never ask.

What?

Meat? Dwight, I thought I told you that Kate doesn't eat anything with a face.

I cut it off.

Well, just out of curiosity, Dwight, What was it when it had a face?

Just your plain garden variety muskrat.

Muskrat?

Wait, where did you get a muskrat?

Did some guy in an alley come up to you, open his coat, and it was just hanging

there?

You know, Merv?

Carol, you've had some weird boyfriends before, but this time you got the door

prized.

Okay, Mike, that's it.

Apologize to Dwight or I am never talking to you again.

Kate, two birds with one stone.

You've had other boyfriends?

I should have known.

I mean, there's no way for us to be friends. We're like oil and water. Smart

stupid. And Dwight, I told you Kate was a vegetarian.

Carol, he meant well.

Hey, I can handle my own woman.

Your own woman?

Carol, is that the kind of relationship you two have?

You're talking to me about relationships and you're with that?

Let's face facts here.

There are four people in this room. Two of them are wearing tights.

And it ain't us.

Kate, come on. Get your stuff. We're out of here.

Dwight, we had a lovely time. No, no, no, no. Kate, you don't have to be

unless you want to be invited back.

Hey.

Hey! Hey!

What happened?

The lights went off.

Thank you, Mr.

Science.

Now put him back on.

Chrissy, I can't. I think the power's off.

But I don't like the dark.

Oh, here's the matches.

Chrissy, get off my leg.

I'm going to see if I can find out what happened. Hold on.

Not that tight.

Man, the whole neighborhood's dark.

What did you do?

Nothing. It's a power failure. Why are you blaming me?

This never happens when Mommy or Daddy are home.

Look, you stay right here. I know where a flashlight is.

Mom keeps it up here next to the Christmas ornaments.

Great. It still works.

That's not a real light. Put the lamp back on.

Chrissy, I can't. There's no electricity.

Oh, so let's watch television until it comes back on.

Next time I babysit you, Dad's buying me a car.

Great. Here's the radio.

Well, maybe we can find out what's going on.

Wait a minute. I can't watch TV, but you can listen to the radio?

Chrissy, we're going to play a little game called Shut Up.

You go first.

The sudden storm has downed a number of power lines, causing blackouts over most

of Long Island.

Bilko predicts the blackout will last another 8 to 12 hours.

A blackout. Great.

Point. Open the door.

Whoops.

I don't want to hear whoops from this guy.

I just remembered that the door is electrically patched into the main

of the house. No mean feat in a house this age. Cut to the chase.

We're trapped like rats.

All right, Kate, watch out. I'm going to break a window.

Wait, wait, wait. There is an icy wind out there and the heat is off. You are

not breaking anything.

Look, Carol, all you have to do is throw something down to the street with a

note attached explaining our situation.

Now, what's the most worthless thing we've got up here?

You leave my Dwight alone.

It's getting cold.

Never thought I'd die by freezing.

I always thought it'd be a shower mishap.

Come on, we're not going to freeze. There's plenty of ways to keep warm,

uh... So we could eat.

We're talking about dessert.

Oh, don't tell me.

Murph sold you a goose for a gooseberry pie?

No.

Waffle sweet cake.

Oh, I'm starved.

Promise there's not a speck of meat in this? None.

Just a hog's head of waffle wine.

Move it, Goober.

Feel better?

I did until I realized that was a police car in front of me.

Excuse me, sir, but did you just call me goober?

That was Trooper.

Trooper.

Thanks for asking. Good night.

We got some downed power lines up ahead. Most of the island's blacked out.

Keep your pants on.

A blackout, Jason? The children?

Oh, relax, sweetheart. Chrissy's with a sitter. The others are fine. Mike's

probably taking advantage of it. Oh, great. Of all the nights to be taken

from home.

What's that supposed to mean? What, like this is my fault?

No. Maggie, three months ago, tonight was just a date on a calendar. We

circled it for some quality time together.

Oh. Is that all this is to you?

The point is... What is this, some kind of clinical exercise?

Okay, Jason, what else was on your agenda?

8 p .m., say empty romantic words. 9 p .m., compliment my earrings.

11 p .m., kiss me and hope for the best.

Sweetheart, look, I'm sorry. I did want to be with you tonight. I wanted to

spend...

Wait a minute, you didn't want to be here either.

No, Jason, I didn't say I didn't want to. I have absolutely nothing to

for. Miss Not Tonight, dear, I have a deadline.

Really? That's the way you feel about it?

Where are you going?

I am walking home. At least there, people want to talk to me.

There's an icy wind, and I'm wearing thin shoes.

Well, Mike, guess Miss Manners couldn't hold her cake.

Mike, exactly how much wine is in a hog's head? About 63 gallons.

63 gallons?

Oh, most of it cooks off.

I don't believe this.

You know, first you get us trapped in the dark, then you try to feed us

roadkill. You get my girl plastered.

Hey, in L .A., people pay big bucks for a party like that.

Yeah, well, this isn't L .A. We're getting colder by the minute.

How are you going to get us out of this mess, curly toes?

Well, we could drape fabric over the walls and the windows to keep out the

All right, where are we going to get a bunch of drapes around here?

Yes, he does drapes, too.

Marshmallow Man.

Why can't we put the heater on? What are you complaining about? You're warm now,

aren't you? Yes.

Good. Ben. What? I have to go to the bathroom.

What? Why didn't you say that six layers ago?

Because I didn't have to go there.

Well, too bad. You're just going to have to hold it.

Is the bathroom electric, too?

Yes. This is all your fault, Ben Siever. You broke the lights. Now you broke the

bathroom. I bet you broke the whole neighborhood.

That's right, Chrissy. I broke everything. It's all part of my thick,

plan. Guess what? I saved the best for last.

We're going to die.

It's freezing outside, and the smallest goes first.

Come on, Chrissy. I'm just kidding.

Everything's going to be fine.

It is not. You said the smallest. Smallest goes first, and I'm the

Look, Chrissy, don't cry, okay?

You want me to make a googie face?

You always have a googie face.

Okay, I'll tell you a story.

How about the three little pigs?

There was a wolf in that one.

How about Little Red Riding Hood? There was a wolf in that one, too.

Gingerbread Man?

Wolf.

Christy, isn't there anything I can do to make you feel better?

You can take me to the bathroom.

You got it.

Walk this way.

Stick with me, cutie pie. I'll take good care of you.

Five hours stuck in a car. That is some romantic evening.

What?

You just described our first date.

Oh.

What?

Yeah, I remember how hard I had to work to get you alone in that first car of

mine. Well, I still remember what you said.

Hey, Malone, want to see my fuzzy dice?

Don't laugh. It worked.

I'm sorry about earlier.

Yeah, me too.

So... What kind of evening did I miss?

Front row seats at Miss Saigon, window table at the Rainbow Room, and a buggy

ride through Central Park with that horse and the little flowered hat you

so much.

Oh, Jake.

You really did want to make this a special night.

Yeah.

I love you, Maggie.

Lately, I miss you.

I miss you, too.

Well, here we are in a parked car.

No kids around. Everything's dark.

Well, I am coming back up front.

No, no, no. I got a better idea.

Yeah!

Jason,

you and I in the backseat of a car. I have to expect my father to shine his

flashlight on us. Yeah.

Road's clearing up. You kids beat it, or I'll have your parents meet us at the

station.

Oh, Jason.

I'm sorry you missed Miss Saigon.

I'm just glad I got to see Mrs. Seaver.

Hey, you know, I think this drape thing might just do it.

The man's a walking punchline.

Mike, why do you pick on Dwight so much?

Oh, gee, Carol, I don't know. Maybe it's because he talks like a geek, he walks

like a monkey, and dresses like Shemp.

In fact, I think he is the fourth stooge.

Look, Mike, I'm the first to admit that Dwight's a little... Squirrely?

Different.

You got that right.

Well, let's face it.

Pollyanna over there wouldn't win the Miss Normal of the Universe contest.

What's that supposed to mean?

Mike, she grazes.

Carol, the point is, Kate loves me, and I love her.

For your information, I think that grazing thing is kind of cute.

What do you feel about Kate?

That's how I feel about Dwight.

It's just that Dwight is the first guy I've met who appreciates and understands

me for who I really am.

He's my significant other.

So get used to it.

Could take a little while.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, sleepyhead.

Why is it so warm in here? What happened?

Oh, well, curly toes.

I mean, Dwight saved us with his drape idea.

He can actually be pretty smart sometimes.

Couldn't have done it without you, Mike.

I wonder how long till the power comes on. Dwight, why don't you play some

for us to help us pass the time?

Yes, he sings, too.

You just, you just call out my name And you know wherever

I am That I'll come running To see you again

Winter, spring, summer, fall. All you got to do is call.

And I'll be there to help you.

We sure can.

I was kind of enjoying that song, though.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, we could finish it.

Blackout's over.

You want me to put you to bed?

No, I like it here with you.