Original subtitles

And that's by five -part investigation on New York's finest pizzerias, that is.

Do you believe the garbage they have on local news?

Oh, yeah, I know. Now, what was number two? Was it Giuseppe's or Antonio's?

Still ahead, record snowstorms are due to hit local ski areas this weekend.

Oh, Mike, doesn't skiing sound like fun?

You know what sounds like a lot of fun is this two -for -one takeout thing at

the Taste of Naples.

We'd be outdoors, the cold, fresh wind in our faces.

Well, that's fine. When the pizza gets here, we'll take it in the backyard.

Mike, I'm serious.

Kate, I can't afford a ski trip.

I can. I got some money left from my last modeling job.

Look, hey, don't take this in a patronizing way, but I do like to pay

little woman.

Well, then I suggest you find one.

Oh, look, hey, what I'm saying is just that I would feel a lot more comfortable

doing things that I can afford, like taking us out to dinner.

I am tired of hiding in the bathroom while you order Happy Meals.

Well, I didn't hear you complaining when you got the pirate hat.

All right, all right. I'll take your scheme. Oh, yes, yes.

But I am paying, and that's that.

Mike, what does it matter who pays?

Because, Kate, I am a man. And if nothing else, I've got my pride.

Oh, please, please, please. Carol, can I borrow some money?

Mike, I have three words for you.

No way.

That's only two.

No way, stumphead.

Fine, fine, fine, Carol. I'll pay for this trip out of my own pocket.

They accept lint.

Hi, can I have the number for the White Mountain Lodge, please?

Thank you. Mike, why don't you just let Kate pay?

Look, Luke, this is far too complicated for you to understand.

Mike pays big men. Kate pays big woods.

That's pretty doggone complicated.

Yes, can you tell me how much your cheapest but most impressive room is?

$300?

Oh, well, don't you have anything cheaper, like a room someone was

That's $2 .75?

Do you have anything else?

A free room?

But only if I bring 20 paying customers with me?

Okay, I'll take it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.

Seaver, party at 20. Book it, Dano.

Fine, book it, Maurice.

Hey, Luke.

How would you like to go skiing this weekend for only 50 bucks?

Well, I've been saving my allowance.

But one question. Where are you going to find 19 other saps stupid enough to pay

for your ski trip?

You want me to invite the entire Dewey High Chess Club skiing?

the chef club is the valley of the geefers.

These guys won't want to ski.

But Ben, don't listen to you. You're their president.

I tried to resign.

I started crying.

Well, that's just the kind of gentle souls that I'd like to chaperone.

Mike, these guys are too uncoordinated to ski.

Last week, Leo Plotnick got his toe stuck in his fly.

It's no problem. It's perfect. They don't have to ski. They just have to

So what's in this for me?

Well, you'll have Jack Frost nipping at your nose, and you'll have a gorgeous

ski bunny nipping at your... 18 sign -ups, and I made them all pay cash.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go sew some Olympic patches on my jacket.

My mission accomplished.

All right, but one question. What are you and Kate going to do surrounded by

doofi with cheese in their braces?

You're right.

Now, who do I know who's gullible enough to chaperone a herd of nerds?

Tall guy said, dot for ingam dom, dot for minfru.

Hey, guys. What's going on?

Oh, I'm taking Carol to Swedish Film Festival. We're seeing My Life as a Dog.

Oh, well, Carol, why would you pay money to see that? You live it.

For your information, Dwight and I are getting pretty fed up with the way you

guys treat me.

I've had an earful, and I don't want to hear you comparing my girlfriend to a

Swedish film again. Know what I mean, Jelly Bean?

Look, Dwight, we're ashamed of ourselves.

Hey, how about I make it up to you, huh? What would you say to a ski trip this

weekend at the White Mountain Lodge for 100 bucks?

Oh, no, please. A ski trip is enough. I couldn't possibly accept 100 bucks.

No, Dwight, you would pay.

Oh, that's better.

Okay, uh, yeah, count us in.

Okay. Do we bring our own lederhosen?

Uh, no, no, you can rent. There's a lederhosen stand.

Right, right, uh, boy, I almost forgot the best part.

See, you'll be driving up on a bus with 20 teenage chess players.

Yippee -yay, yokai -yay.

Yeah, and, uh, well, what was I thinking? You will have to check their

a list as they get on the bus.

You kidding? For a cheap ski trip, I'd check their teeth.

Okay, well, great.

Just one other thing. When you tell Carol about this, make her think it was

idea. Okay? And let the bus ride be a surprise.

Women love that kind of stuff.

Mike, you're so good to me.

Honey.

I'd still like to go skiing this weekend.

With you?

And no chess players.

Oh, Dwight, you are so good to me.

Mike, you want to take Ben and Luke and a bunch of teenagers on a weekend ski

trip? Uh -huh.

We're going to have a big problem with that young man. Well, Dwight and Carol

are coming.

Have a good time, son.

All right.

Jason, look, I feel better knowing that Carol's going, but didn't you cave in a

little easily? I didn't cave, Maggie. I calculated quickly.

I've just bought us our first weekend alone since Chrissy was born.

Daddy, can you turn on the water when I get upstairs?

What are you doing?

Making cement.

Whoa!

How would you like to make some cement at Grandma Irma's this weekend?

Great! I just wish you said something before I schlepped the gravel upstairs.

Bonjour!

Is there something different about this room?

No. Too bad.

Is there something different about your hair?

No. Hey, hey, hey.

Who's this little fella?

This is my son.

away this weekend. Could you keep an eye on our house? You know, taking the

papers, the mail, the goat cheese. Hey, if it helps you get out of town, we're

through.

Got us this enormous place all to ourselves.

Yeah, well, actually... Hey,

isn't this the same busload of kids that followed us all the way up here? Yeah,

it is.

Listen, Kate, I got kind of a confession I want to make to you. You see, I sort

of arranged for a small group of kids to come join us.

Join us? Yeah, a very well -behaved, small, well -chaperoned group of kids.

We'll hardly notice them.

Be the chess club.

How can you tell?

Hey, hey, you.

If I challenged your queen with my rook, what would you do?

Turn you upside down and make a wish?

Come on, Mike. I didn't want to spend the weekend with nerds on ice, so I

invited the biggest party animals in school.

Then how am I supposed to have a nice weekend with Kate with all these

party dogs around?

You're right. You're right. I see your point.

Let's send Kate home on the next bus.

Yeah.

Well, you got one. Leo Limetongue Plotnick.

Limetongue? Well, his tongue is green. He only eats green things.

At least that's the explanation we can live with.

I'd be glad to wax him for you.

I don't need my keys waxed.

I'm not talking about your skis.

Mike!

Okay, I'll prison and account it for... Oh, by the way, Mike, you didn't mention

that I had to drive the bus.

Dwight, you weren't supposed to drive the bus.

Oh.

Well, that's why that guy was cussing at me while we drove away.

No, I will not participate in anything called a moon -a -thon.

Where are the rooms? All I want to do is get away from these

screaming banshees. They were dancing on top of the bus.

No, no, no, no, Carol. You cannot go hide in your room. You and Dwight are

to chaperone.

Yeah, we talked dental hygiene, we talked later hosing, but there was no

of chaperoning.

Excuse me, I went out of my way to get you and Carol this bargain trip, and now

when I need you the most, you don't have a couple extra minutes to keep an eye

on some fun -starved kids?

He's right.

I've been a pig.

Selfish, selfish, selfish.

Okay, now come here. The boys' rooms are over here on the right and the girls'

are on the left.

And whatever you do, don't play chess with the big guy.

Mom, could I have your attention?

Mike, this time you have pushed things too far.

I only came up here because Dwight said you invited us out of the goodness of

your heart.

Carol, you've known me for 20 years. Does that sound like me?

No. Now go chat.

Mike, call me old -fashioned, but 20 kids pantsing the bellhop, it's not

my idea of a romantic weekend.

Hey, one day seems to be enjoying it.

Don't worry about the kids.

They'll be fine.

Mr. Seaver, who are you?

I'll be with you in a second, Limetone.

Okay, it's going to be fine. Carol's in charge of the kids, and we won't even

notice them once they hit the slope. That's what I came to tell you, sir.

There's no snow. The ski area's completely shut down.

Something to do with...

Tropical depression, Irv.

Snow?

You know what? I'm excited, too. I'm allergic to snow. Now we can break out

chess boards and have a hootenanny.

Look, your hootmaster is named Carol.

Okay? She's going to look like she tasted earwax.

Mike, if these kids can't ski, they're going to tear this place apart.

Kate, Kate, relax.

That's the beauty of my plant. It's not our problem. It's Carol's.

Carol, what happened?

It's my ankle.

She slipped on some ice.

What ice? There is no ice. I spilled my Fanta.

You're nothing, beloved. I'm going to get a doctor. You're in no condition to

chaperone.

Well, mister, I like to pay for the little woman.

Looks like you're in charge now.

Say, why don't you ditch Brillo Head and let's get stupid?

You and I in this big house, all by ourselves.

Mm -hmm.

Whatever shall we do? Oh, I don't know.

That's coming from the Creedmoors. It must be their stupid house alarm.

Did somebody break in?

God, I hope so. Maybe they'll shut the alarm up.

Hello.

Yes, yes, I'm calling to report a house alarm going on. off at 17 Robin Hood

Lane.

Yes, I know I have a very nice speaking voice. Thank you.

No, I don't want you to come over.

I would just like you to notify the police.

Good. You'll send somebody over?

When?

Between 20 minutes and 6 hours? No, that's ridiculous.

We got a crisis and the 911 operator is flirting with me.

That's unprofessional of her.

Him?

Someone left the cake out in the rain.

I don't think that I can take it because it took so long to bake it. And I'll

never have that recipe again.

Oh, no!

One more time, everybody.

Okay,

is it 9 .30 already? Time to turn in.

I have to go to bed early? You are worse than my mother.

I paid for a fun weekend, and I'm going to have fun, whether I party or snowplow

your face.

Good night.

I'll carry you to your room, my darling. I have to go do a bed check.

This is so romantic, just like in Gone with the Wind.

My rent.

My scarlet. My God.

We haven't had two minutes alone.

I have spent more time with green tongue.

Lime tongue.

Do something.

Go suck an avocado.

Ooh, baby.

Look, Kate, look, I know that this trip has gotten off to a rocky start, but

listen, we're alone now, okay? So what do you say we make some hot cocoa and we

snuggle by the fire?

Great. Okay, come on.

It was just a whim.

Well, I'm turning in now. Kids are all in their beds playing mixed doubles for

cheesy.

Mixed doubles?

In their bed?

Yeah, I said something about shirts and skins.

You better make sure no one scores.

For the umpteenth time, why don't we just check into a hotel?

Maggie, we're not going to an expensive hotel just because we have thoughtless

neighbors. I have better things to do with my 3650.

Well, why don't you just try blocking the sound out of your mind? Pretend it's

the ocean.

Maggie, the ocean doesn't make my ears bleed.

Hello, yes, I've called several times tonight about this house alarm going...

Yes, I'm the one with the nice speaking voice.

Oh, great. The alarm company is sending somebody over. That's terrific. When?

Monday morning.

Listen to me.

I am the burglar.

I'm standing in the dining room. I'm looking at the china cabinet. And if you

don't send somebody right away, the gravy boat goes.

Sending somebody over. All right. When?

20 minutes to 6 hours?

Now, Jason, don't do anything foolish.

Maggie, do I look like I'm about to do something foolish?

This is a loving husband and a respected psychiatrist.

Right. Which is why he was up a ladder in his pajamas trying to slap shot your

neighbor's burglar a lot. Sure.

When you put it that way, it sounds silly, but I hadn't... Officer, it's

alarm. It's driving my husband out of his mind. A short trip, I'm sure.

Can't you do something?

I could pistol whip him.

No, no. About the alarm.

Oh.

Well, uh, my partner's already on that, ma 'am.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You're a prince.

Cool it, cool it.

Look, pal, that stuff may work on the 911 operator.

But I'm a different breed of cat.

Ma 'am.

Hey, hey, hey.

because you could have let me pay for a simple trip. No, Kate, Kate, if it had

just snowed, and if Ben had invited the chess club, and Carol hadn't slipped on

that soda, and Limetongue hadn't have been born.

Mike, because of your stupid pig -headed pride, nobody had fun this weekend.

Giddy -up!

I hope she dismounts him before he drives us home.

Next time, whoever has the money pays.

I'll get it.

Bad news, there's a blizzard.

The roads are closed until tomorrow.

Yeah!

Let's get stupid!

And all I want to do is get out of here. Uh, Pete, Pete, I'm afraid we're sort

of stuck here another night.

Mike, that was the front desk. They said if you want to stay another night, they

need a thousand dollar deposit.

Uh, Kate?

Remember what you said about whoever has the money pays?