Original subtitles

I can tell without seeing them the new neighbors are stuck up and pretentious.

Carol, you can't judge them by their car. Lots of people have BMWs. With a

bumper sticker that says, you couldn't afford my other car either.

If you get older, you'll realize you can't make snap judgments about people.

Well, I just met the jerks next door.

Jason, you've only been out there three minutes. Yes, Maggie, and in that time,

the Creedmoors managed to tell me their net worth.

That they were personal friends of Donnie Trump.

And when I mentioned I was a psychiatrist, they wanted me to drop

make an appointment with Lance.

Their son?

Their dog.

Dog. Our new neighbors. They moved in last night.

How come all the good stuff happens after I go to bed?

Chrissy, we've been over this a hundred times. Nothing happens after you're

asleep. Then how come breakfast is ready when I wake up?

subject. Oh, Ma, you know, I woke up last night just craving your fabulous

homemade fudge.

Really? Yeah. I should make it for you sometime.

Oh, well, that'd be great. Could you make about 40 pounds of it and have it

up and wrapped in colored cellophane by Saturday?

No, Mike, I couldn't.

Now, what's going on? Well, Boynton State Teachers College is having this

fundraiser on Saturday, and I promised that you'd make 40 pounds of fudge.

Oh, why didn't you promise I'd play show tunes on a musical saw?

Well, because I'm not on the entertainment committee.

Mike, you want fudge? The recipe's in the drawer.

Multiply by 40.

Come on, Chrissy. Let's get ready for school.

Oh, man, are the new neighbors cool or what?

I helped them carry some trash to the curb. They split me five bucks.

I can't believe you accepted cash for doing a neighborly gesture.

Why not? You know what their bank balance is?

Nothing compared to their net worth.

Listen, Benny, I need you to do a favor for me.

It's Luke's first day at Dewey High, so I just want you to stick around with

him. You know, show him the ropes a little bit. Oh, come on, Mike. You know

tough they are on new kids.

I mean, if I hang out with him, I'll be the grand poobah of geekdom.

Yeah, well, listen, Pooh.

You hang out with Luke today, or I'll tell Mom where her Victoria's Secret

catalog went.

Luke, my homeboy.

Stay close to me today and I'll show you the ropes. Oh, so that means if I see

you, I can say hi?

So, Luke, are you nervous about starting regular classes?

I should get the hang of it.

Mike here's been tutoring me.

Be nervous.

Be very nervous.

She said it.

must be Mrs. Creedmoor. I'm Maggie Seaver. Oh, kelpo pa.

Please call me Jody.

My goodness, what are you doing, Maggie?

I'm cleaning the oven, Jody.

Oh, those things get dirty?

Yes, they do.

Usually we just throw them out, but I thought I'd give this a try.

I just came by to give you this.

Oh, an invitation?

Ellie and I are just having a little housewarming soiree on Friday and we

what the heck, let's just invite everybody.

Well, I'll have to check with my husband.

Oh, so you'll come. Please, please, please.

Neighbor.

All right. We'll be there.

Well,

I don't know when I've had a better time.

Let's fly. I have to go meet my color consultant in half an hour.

She can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

I hope so.

Luke, my man, how was your first day? Well, you know how first days go. Well,

the first day at a new school can always be tough. I mean, it may take a while

before anybody even knows your name.

Hi, Luke.

Sasha Swarovski smiled at me. I can die a happy man.

Are you kidding with Sasha Swarovski?

Lukemeister. Chuck steak.

After practice, the whole gang's going down to the mall to go body surfing down

the escalator rails.

You want to come? Great. Can I bring Ben? Who?

Me. Ben Seaver?

Benno?

Benny boy?

You tried to kill me in the fourth grade with a tetherball?

Yeah, well, any friend of Luke's.

Whoa, wait a minute.

Seaver?

You're the geek that's president of the chess club.

I was drafted.

You're a very powerful man.

Actually, I bruise quite easily.

You're on the nominating committee for the homecoming queen?

No, I'm not. And I say that with the deepest respect and fear.

Yeah, you are. All club presidents are on the committee.

Uh, okay.

Way to go, Ben.

I think that you should vote for Donna Kent.

Donna Wild Thing Kent?

She's my girlfriend.

And a sweetheart, too.

Don't get me wrong.

You see somebody you think is better, vote for her.

You just make sure you give me her number.

Ben, you're going to meet all the hottest girls in school.

No, I won't. All the presidents of the cool clubs will be up front.

I'm going to be stuck in back with the audiovisual club in the arachnid

Well, maybe I could get you a front row seat.

Okay, here's the shopping list for the fudge.

Carob powder, barley malt, arrowroot... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Kate, are we making

fudge or repaving the driveway?

Mike, the ingredients in regular fudge will ruin your system.

Kate! Oh, come on. If we use your ingredients, we might as well buy some

painted brown and call it fudge.

That's probably for me. I'm expecting a shipment of drilled tits from my column.

Steve Residue?

Tony Kent?

Um, yeah, hello, Donna.

May I tell you what a pl - Yeah, Luke's here.

Wild thing, we're shaking.

Okay, Chrissy, 8 o 'clock, bedtime.

I want to see if the coyote catches the roadrunner. Honey, the coyote never

catches the roadrunner.

Thanks, you ruined it for me.

Come on, sweetheart, you heard your mother.

But I need a snack.

You had a snack.

Can I have a drink?

You had a drink.

Not in my Mickey Mouse cup.

It's not fair.

How come I have to go to bed and everyone else gets to stay up and have

I hear you laughing.

I know what you do. Wait, of course he goes to bed and party, party, party.

We'll be right up to tuck you in.

Now listen to this one. Our new neighbor is the Greedmores. That's Creedmores.

Whatever.

They want us to come to their housewarming party. Good luck.

Jason. Maggie, it's a costume party, for crying out loud.

You couldn't pay me to set foot on their overpriced property, much less wear

some stupid... You said yes, didn't you?

I couldn't say no. They're our neighbors.

Oh, Maggie.

Oh, come on, Jason. It'll be fun.

Now, I call the costume shop, and here are the costumes that are available in

your size.

You can be a porcupine, Freddy Krueger,

Pepe Le Pew.

Maggie, I'm a respected professional. I refuse to wear anything with furs,

fingernails, or quills.

That rules out Liberace.

But you'll probably go, right?

Not if I have anything to say about it. Then you'll probably go, right?

Right. Great.

Well, I mean that costume parties are always so festive.

Festive? Ever tried sitting down in quills?

Come on.

Let's talk about it after we tuck Chrissy in.

Ben, what are your plans for this Friday?

I'm doing nothing.

I'm going to be home alone, sitting in my room, looking at the same spot on the

ceiling, listening to the clock ticking away the minutes of my pathetic

existence.

Good. Don't make any other plans, all right?

Honey, would you like a sip of water?

No.

How about a quick story?

No.

How about a goodnight kiss?

If you must.

Sweet dreams, honey.

Goodnight, sweetheart.

Well, looks like it's you and me again, Mr. Blowhole.

Everybody's downstairs having fun without me.

Wait a minute, just a...

for myself.

Well, I guess Chrissy must be asleep by now.

What do you want to do tonight?

Oh, I don't know.

Want to play Barbies?

Let's watch TV and sit real close to the screen. No, we don't.

So, can somebody pass me some scissors?

Scissors? What do you need scissors for? You got feet, don't you?

Yeah! All right, thanks.

The watch cavity.

Okay, I brought you some vegetables.

Sofa cushions are not for hitting.

back to bed.

Put her back to bed. Put her back to bed.

Put her back to bed.

Put her back to bed. Put her back to bed. Put her back to bed. Stop it,

Stop it.

Stephen. What is it?

That's it.

I'm never going to sleep again.

Now she sleeps.

I don't think she closed her eyes once all night, Maggie. Maybe it's time we

tried something different.

Like what?

Make her do military push -ups until she passes out?

Or like, why don't we let her stay up as late as she wants one night, Maggie,

and let her see that nothing happens?

Sounds like an interesting idea.

With another child and another family in another country, perhaps, in a separate

but parallel universe.

Her bedtime is 8 o 'clock. She needs her sleep.

Is that how you want her to get it? Tasting table?

staying up. What if she wants to do it all the time? She won't, Maggie. We will

make sure that this is the most boring, uneventful night of her life.

Oh, and how do we do that? Come on, I don't have to tell you how to make a

book.

I mean, you're a very, you're exciting and dynamic and tingly to an adult, but

to a kid, you wouldn't understand. And because, come on, what do you say?

Let's give it a shake.

Okay, Jason, you sweet -talked me into it.

But if it backfires, nothing happens after your bedtime either.

Come on, Christy, it's 3 .12.

Time for school. Come on.

Is Coney here?

No. No, there's not. I'm going to make you a deal, okay?

I want you to go to bed every school night.

And then the first non -school night, you can stay up as late as you want.

Really? Really, yes.

We want you to see what we all do after you go to bed.

Do you pinky swear?

I pinky swear.

Okay, Chrissy, go get your sweater, and I'll take you to school.

Okay.

I call that an auspicious beginning.

And I call it caving in. And another thing, Dr.

Freud, do you know that the next non -school night is Friday, and that's the

Creedmoor's costume party?

That's great.

Really disappointing to me, Maggie. We'll have to cancel.

Chase, then. Maggie, come on, what can I do?

I think he swore.

This looks like Nightmare on Fudge Street.

Hey, relax.

We are done.

I can't believe I helped you make 40 pounds of this stuff.

Do you know how much fat is in this?

Why didn't I just go to the bake sale, set up a booth, and sell lard?

Casey, come on, remember, this is for a very, very good cause. Which is?

Putting a new candy machine in the student union.

For that, I shelled 25 pounds of walnuts?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, I was the one who wanted to leave them in the shell. You

were the one worried about cracking people's teeth.

All right, now listen, I'll go get the wagon so we can load it up, okay? Where

do we have to deliver all of this?

Um, here, I have the address.

Right here.

Okay.

Mike? Yeah?

Do you think there might be some important information you've overlooked

Uh, turn it on recycled paper?

The bake sale is next month.

Um, you know, a lesser woman would be mad, honey.

I gotta hand it to you.

no cooking liquid death because you can't read instructions?

Honey, look, I'm sorry. I've never been good with dates.

Forgive me?

Eat fudge and die.

I want to talk to a supervisor.

Yes, I'll hold.

Chrissy, it's 8 o 'clock. The TV goes off.

Great! Time to party!

The reason we allowed you to stay up so late tonight was so you could see that

there was no party.

Now, come on, just sit back and let's enjoy the quiet.

Listen, Mr. On Time Every Time, you've been giving me that sorry song for over

week now, and it's Friday now. You get me those drills tonight, or else I'm

coming down there with a pair of hedge clippers, and I'm gonna... open your

mail.

That's right, I play rough.

This is boring.

Can we order a pizza?

No, Chrissy. On normal nights, we don't have any special treats.

Okay, fudge for everyone.

Chrissy, this is unusual.

Hey, dancing?

Only if you have some milk to go along with it. No problem.

What are your parents doing here?

Well, we have to put up with them. They own the place.

I thought they were going out tonight.

Doesn't look like it.

So what's the big deal? We'll go out. You can't.

Why not?

Uh, because you're a mess.

If there's a flaming bag out there, you're dead meat.

Hi, does Ben Steven live here?

I'm Ben.

I'm Donna Kent.

You may know me as Wild Fang.

You sit.

I'll dance.

Okay.

Uh, what's going on here? This is the talent competition for Homecoming Queen.

It is? I thought that was next week at school.

Well, don't argue with the Wild Band.

It's definitely here. Tonight.

Damn!

It's all right. I just can't figure out.

Luke. Luke, what's he done?

At least he got all that trouble to get girls.

That kid's got talent.

Guess he must have figured I wasn't back.

Percy, I don't know what's going on here, but I'm sure there's... I'll get

Uh -huh.

May I help you?

C 'est moi, Jody Greenville, your new neighbor.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you.

You remember my husband, Jason?

Yeah, hi, nice to see you again.

Like that Marge Simpson thing you got going.

I felt just awful that you weren't going to come to my little do.

So I brought people platters.

Pizza rolls?

Sun -dried tomatoes and goat cheese in a tortilla skin.

What?

Just a coincidence.

Oh, this is so sweet of you, Cho.

Oh, it's the least I could do.

By the by, our plumbing's gone kaflooey. Would it be okay if a few of my very

closest friends used your bathroom?

Oh, sure.

pork you're buying. I've got a delivery here for Maggie Malone.

Oh, great. My drills are finally here.

Drills? Lady, you just signed for a truckload of dollars.

Bring them on in.

Oh, no, guys. Wait. There must be... In here or on the lawn. It's your choice.

In here! In here!

Thank you! Thank you!

Have some lunch!

Chrissy, this is all a big mistake.

Nothing like this has ever happened before.

Uh -huh.

You've got to admit, she's got spirit.

Why didn't you like that kind of thing?

Is Ben Seaver here?

Yep.

Presto.

Uh, Mr. Seaver is very busy right now. Please have a seat and wait until your

name is called. No way.

They started without us.

Kara. I just finished midterms, pulled two all -nighters. All I want to do is

sleep in my own bed.

Kara, you're not going to get any quiet around here.

That's okay. I'm totally wrecked.