Original subtitles

Luke Brower?

The doctor will see you now.

She looks sick. Take her.

There is no reason to be scared.

Well, yeah, the last time I saw a doctor, he went poking around like a

drug enforcement officer with an attitude.

Trust me, pal. The doctor is your very special friend.

Let's go, champ.

Don't worry. Haven't lost a patient since lunch.

He's kidding. He's kidding.

He's kidding.

See,

he hasn't seen a doctor for years. That's why he's so... like you care.

Whoa, looks like Nixon's gonna resign.

Keep your hands to yourself, you quack!

No problem.

Everything's under control. Take it easy, Ace.

My very special friend just tried to choke me with a popsicle stick.

Very normal examination. He tried to bite me.

You settle down, Scooter, or I'll have to call a vet.

Hey, Luke, just so you can see, an examination doesn't have to hurt. I'm

to have Dr.

Sulakian do to me exactly what he would do to you, okay?

Fine.

Unbutton your shirt, sport.

Whoops. Got your nose. Got your nose.

See, Luke, I don't feel a thing.

It's a piece of cake, easy as pie. Everything's under control.

That wasn't a hurt owl. That was just a tickled owl because it felt so darn

good. Ow!

What about those giants, huh? Ow!

Quit poking me!

And stop taking off my nose!

is a hernia anyway.

Van, it's not something you want to talk about at the dinner table.

Basically, dad's guts are popping out.

He was fine until the doctor started poking at him.

Coincidence? I think not.

Oh, Maggie, you're serving honey glazed chicken. I can't eat a thing and you're

serving honey glazed chicken.

When I started cooking, I didn't know you were going to have surgery tomorrow.

What do you want me to do? Serve the moldy leftovers?

That would be nice.

You can have mine, Daddy. I want a peanut butter sandwich.

Chrissy, you had a peanut butter sandwich for breakfast and lunch today.

When you find the winner, stick with it.

I don't have time to fight with you. Carol, make her a peanut butter

But, Mom, she's acting like a spoiled kid. You need to take a stand.

Okay. Make her the sandwich or get out of my house.

me. Why now?

Dad, it's all right. Don't worry. Mom can make this chicken dinner another

Forget the chicken.

Sunday is the annual Psychiatric Association Black Tie Banquet.

You're lucky you're missing this one, Dad.

I wouldn't miss it for the world, Mike. I'm organizing it.

Oh, no, you don't. The doctor said you could go to the banquet, but you have to

get someone else to organize it.

Uh -uh. As the event coordinator, I get to introduce the guest of honor, who

happens to be only one of the most important men in my life, Vidal Sassoon.

No. Dr.

Alfred Bellows, my psychology professor.

He tormented me. He browbeat me. He made me feel like dirt.

He was like a father to me.

And you finally get to honor him?

That's really beautiful.

Oh, give me a break, Carol. If I got to introduce one of my nut bar professors,

I certainly wouldn't bust a gut over it.

Sorry, Dad.

Come on, Mike. You're an actor.

What a... Have you got the chance to introduce Anthony Hopkins at a dinner?

Who?

Okay. Scott Bam.

Me? Introduce Mr.

Charles in Charge himself?

Wow.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, Mike. I've got something I need you to do for me while I'm in the hospital.

Oh, wait. Don't worry about a thing, Dad. While you're gone, I'll smack Ben

around at least once a day.

No. That's not it. It's about the banquet on Sunday. See, with me sick, I

big job for you. Oh, hey. Rest easy. I'll cancel the whole thing.

Actually, I was kind of hoping maybe you'd make sure that everything got set

Uh, gee, Dad, I don't know. I mean, it's midterms, and I'm going to be pulling

all -nighters as it is just trying to figure out how to get out of them.

Come on. I got some phone numbers here. The hotel catering manager, the guy who

does the decorations, that agent who's in charge of the string quartet.

Now, can I count on you?

Dad, you know me.

Yes. Can I count on you?

I guess I could, but... Thanks. Hey, a banquet means a lot to me.

Thanks.

Ben! Lou! Get down here!

Hey, what's up?

Well, guys, um... With Dad going to the hospital, he's got a big job for me, and

you guys are gonna do it.

Stupid bed.

I hate these pillows, too. They're just... Ah, stupid train!

Honey, you seem a little anxious.

I'm not anxious, Maggie. If I was anxious, I'd be complaining about every

thing.

Carol, must you breathe through your mouth?

You know, there's no reason to be scared. The doctor is your very special

friend.

You know, Luke, I really believe you are becoming part of the family.

Because you're starting to tick me off.

Where's Ben?

Oh, Mike, stop that.

Your brother's very sensitive. He probably wandered off so he wouldn't see

upset he is.

Thank you so much, nurse. I think I'll have my sponge bath now.

I remember the last time I was in a hospital was when I had my tonsils out.

When the doctor gave me the ether, he said, you're the prettiest little girl

I've ever seen.

Carol, you were clearly hallucinating.

I'm Dr.

Whiteside. I'll be doing the surgery. Oh, hi. I just want you to know the

procedure's fairly routine, so I don't expect any complications. Excuse me.

Remember me? Hello. The reason we're here? Excuse me. I need to administer

Me, me. You can talk to me, you know. Me, me, me, me, me. Hello, Dr.

Seaver. How are we feeling today? Oh, we are feeling just fine, thank you,

doctor. Except we wasted 45 minutes filling out a bunch of dumb forms

downstairs, and then we sat in a little paper napkin with our cheeks to the wind

in a room the temperature of a hockey rink. Thank you. Other than that, we are

just as happy as a... clam.

Bear.

Fish.

Frog.

Rivet.

Yes, Jason.

You're right, Jason.

I'll make sure the whole hospital staff is fired, Jason.

Sweetheart, if you let me get off the phone, I'll come and get you.

Yes, we can't wait to have you home.

How's Dad? Still cranky? Let me put it this way. This morning, the hospital

chaplain attacked him.

By the way, he wanted me to ask you how the plans for the banquet are coming.

Uh, the banquet?

Well, I can honestly say that not one problem has come to my attention.

You'll be glad to hear that.

Okay, see you later.

Ben, look!

Front and center!

What's going on?

I'm teaching Luke how to shave.

Ben, come here.

let him come near you with a sharp object again.

All right? Now, listen. Dad wants to know how things are coming along with

banquet.

Uh, great.

Everything's great.

Ben, you heard him. Great.

Ow! Okay, fine. We haven't done anything.

We were going to, but this shaving thing came up.

Ow! Now, listen.

No more excuses.

You both, get on that phone.

Okay, fine.

I'll call about the decorations and the entertainment. You call the catering

manager. Well, what do I say?

You know, banquet stuff.

Okay, one question.

What's a banquet?

Living torture.

You'll wear somebody else's clothes, eat cardboard food, and then some old gas

bag stands up and preaches about dead people.

Sounds like Sunday night at the soup kitchen.

Your dad likes this stuff?

Nobody does, but it's tradition.

Well, if nobody likes it...

Why don't we make a new tradition?

Maggie, cut it out, please. I'm not an invalid. I can do this myself.

Oh, boy.

Jason, if you want to go to this banquet, the doctor says no work, no

unnecessary movement, and...

Take your pain medication.

Maggie, I'm not going to dull my senses with pharmaceuticals because I'm just

not in any pa... Oh, boy.

That was a yawn.

Mike?

Yeah, Dad?

How are the plans for the banquet going? Oh, no, you don't. Mike, get lost.

Uh, glad we had this time to chat, Dad.

Jason, if you keep this up, the only way you're going to go to this banquet is

on a stretcher. Now take your pain pill.

Noop, noop, noop, Maggie.

What are you doing? I'm just trying to get to the phone so I can at least make

some business calls.

Nope, nope, nope.

Just sit there and heal, mister.

We didn't want you to eat all by yourself.

Oh, that's very thoughtful.

Here's a peanut butter sandwich.

Carol, would you please make her another peanut butter sandwich?

Mom, when I was five years old and only wanted to eat one thing, you put your

foot down.

They were anchovies, and you smelled like a bait sting.

Mom... Don't worry, I'll get a vitamin to mash into the peanut butter.

Chunky style, please.

Oh, it'll be chunky, all right.

All right, so what about the banquet?

Um... Mom will kill me if I discuss that with you, Dad.

I'm going to be well someday, Mike.

Well, about the banquet, it's going

A -OK.

How about the food? Are you within budget?

Well, we're... I cut the budget.

Really? By how much?

Well, by one.

A hundred.

Smackers.

Boy, you were right. You really can't breathe in these things.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold a second.

Lou, you're supposed to take these things out.

Oh. Well, what about the little balls of paper in the shoes?

Jason, won't you please take a pill? Don't need one.

Mike, I gotta hand it to you. I had some trepidations about this banquet

tonight. You know, maybe that you'd embarrass me in front of my colleagues

Dr. Bellows, but you've really come through.

Shrink -a -rama 91?

That's really something, huh?

I hate it.

It's something that Ben did.

Mike, I put you in charge of this banquet.

Well, Dad, it, uh, it, um, I just couldn't leave the little kids out of

mean, it was our first big event.

Pardon me, pardon me.

Hello. I think you fellas, uh, you must be in the wrong ballroom.

Oh, yes, I mean, but no, I mean, Mike, where's the string quartet? Uh, Ben?

Hey, this is better, and for half the price.

I'm sorry, fellas, but mariachi music, that's all wrong for this evening.

No problem, senor.

Just say adios dos hombres.

And shalom! Bar Mitzvah, cats!

Can

you

play something more appropriate for a room full of psychiatrists?

Well...

What's this?

We're supposed to be having veal with truffles.

Mike? Uh, Luke? Hey, I looked it up. A truffle is a fungus rooted up by a

pig. I got it some real food.

You can't eat ribs and corn on the common tuxedos, Mike.

Luke, way ahead of you. Check this out.

happy hog, but they were kind of stuffy.

Nobody gets these bibs, right?

Here, Jameson, take this pill. Please, I will not take the pill. Do not treat me

like a child.

I were treating you like a child. I'd mash it into your food so you'd never

know.

Excuse me.

Are you Dr. Sieber? Yes.

I am Fatima.

don't tell me you have a problem with this.

You three follow me.

What happens now? Do we get spanked?

Hopefully by Fatima.

Just potatoes on the plate, please.

Paul, what are you doing?

I'm treating your father like a child.

Could you just leave without drawing any more attention, please?

Aren't you free to tell me there are no more surprises?

You've seen it all.

Yeah, if the rest will be so boring, it'll make your eyes crawl. Oh, that's

I ask.

Oh, boy.

I knew it. You're in agony. You're not taking your pain pills.

Tell me the truth.

You don't trust doctors any more than I do.

Is that the message I'm giving you, Luke?

All right.

Well, watch this.

This is how much I do trust doctors.

All right?

Oh, honey, I had them give you extra potatoes because that's all you can eat.

Well, that is just fine because I'm ravenous.

Well, I know somebody who's feeling a lot better. Yeah, I certainly am.

Do you know why?

Mm -hmm.

I took a pill.

How did you know?

I know because I was there when I took it.

Half an hour ago when I went off with the boys.

What? And I feel great.

Oh, Jason, I can hear something I better tell you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I now give you the man behind Trigger Rabbit 91, Dr.

Jason Steele!

very much uh good friends and colleagues can we have a light on dr bella's table

please and uh we are here tonight to honor a great man a man who makes us all

proud to be psychiatrist he is a man known the world over as a brilliant

therapist and a devout scholar and uh in case you're wondering no that's not his

real hair i'm kidding of course i'm kidding And Dr.

Bellows has a great sense of humor.

Just look at his wife.

What was that? Oh, yeah.

He's a great man.

And a man who really, really, really means a lot to me.

And so the only way that I can think of to properly express how I feel

about... This therapeutic nut bucket.

You are the sunshine of my life.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's why I always stay around you. When you, when you, when you. Hey, you

the apple of my eye.

I know. Hey, well, listen, if you've been going to see old Dr. Alfie Bellows,

you know that feeling, don't you?

So what are you up to now, Alfie?

About $250 an hour?

I'm kidding. It's worth it.

Oh, nope.

Do you know you're making a jackass of yourself?

No, but I do know Magda Knight.

Hit it, boys.

Oh, the shot has hit the pearly TV.

And he shows them pearly white. Come on, everybody.

Well, that Jack Knight, that's the old man he made.

And he keeps it way out of sight.

Oh, Jenny Driver.

Jason,

Jason.

Uh -oh.

I'm so embarrassed. I can't believe I did this.

I forgot to introduce my family.

Can I get a light, please, over here?

Table 16.

My good wife, Maggie. I love you.

My sons, Mike and Ben.

Our darling daughter, Carol.

Our old pal, Luke, over there.

And, you know, I see all these beautiful...

fresh young faces, and I think, hey, old Alfie's going to be dead soon.

And now the end is near.

Alfie must face the final curtain.

Your friends, we make it clear.

We'll state our case of which we're... certain.

Wait a second.

Let's give it up for my posse. My posse right here. Ira.

Yes. And Heidi.

Lowenstein. The puppets are cast.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. My main man.

my fault. I never should have put that pill in your potatoes.

No, I can't believe I pulled that in front of Dr. Bellows.

Oh, honey, Dr.

Bellows is a professional. I'm sure he's seen a lot worse.

I'm sure he doesn't think any less of you.