Original subtitles

Freeze!

Jason, what are you doing?

Me? Maggie, what are you doing up? It's 5 .30 in the morning. I thought I heard

a burglar. So you grabbed a coat rack?

What are you going to do? Take his wrap?

If it came to that.

Is that my grandma's famous dill bread?

Yes, it's for dinner tonight. It has to rise for 14 hours.

I know this dinner is a big deal, Maggie, but who in their right mind gets

5 .30?

Good morning, everybody.

Hey, this works in here.

Mike, what are you doing up?

Well, I'm teaching class today, Dad. It's 5 .30.

It is? And you're chipper.

I am?

Oh, you were whistling.

I was?

I mean, I gotta sit down. This is all Luke's fault.

Who's Luke?

He's one of my students.

The little weasel. I mean, it was bad enough when it was just him, but now

got everybody doing it.

Talking back?

Cutting up? No, getting A's.

Ungrateful little maggot.

No, no. Dad, I'm serious. The number of A students in my class has doubled.

Doubled? Yeah. Now I got two.

That's great.

No, it's not. Mom, look at me. I mean, I used to be able to sleep in till noon

on a good day till three.

Now I'm getting up when I used to go to bed.

I'm listening.

Hey, Mike, about the dinner with Kate.

Oh, yeah, Mom, listen, thanks for going to so much trouble. You know how special

Kate is to me. I know. So I'll expect you at 6 .30?

Right. Wait a minute, that's tonight?

Oh, man, what was I thinking, scheduling that on a school night?

Oh, no, what's happening to me?

Let us see. The, oh, 10 -pound rib roast. The clacked peppercorn

bearnaise sauce.

Yes, the Caesar salad and my grandmother's 14 -hour dill bread.

You don't like Kate, do you?

Why would you say a thing like that? Because that's exactly the meal my

used to make for you.

But your mother never had anything to fear from me.

I wasn't a glamorous fashion model slash actress who was about to lead you into

a jet -set world you couldn't possibly be ready for.

Jet -set world Maggie. So far, Kate's biggest modeling assignment has been the

cover of a seed catalog.

Well, if you ask me, she looked a little too comfortable holding that pitchfork.

She could end up as our daughter -in -law, Maggie. I just want to make sure

two get this relationship off on the right foot.

Jason.

I got up at 4 stinking 30 in the morning, and I'm cooking this stinking

If that doesn't say lovin' from the oven, I don't know what to do.

Morning. Morning.

Carol, what are you doing home again? You're supposed to be living at the

Oh, I had another fight with my roommate, Breanne.

About what?

About whether she had unlocked the door and let me in.

Hey, what's with great -grandma's dill bread?

Kate's coming to dinner.

I thought you liked her.

Who's coming to dinner?

Kate. Oh, great. Do you think she'll autograph my seed catalog?

Ben, Kate happens to be your brother's girlfriend.

I know that, but she's also a model. And what kind of friends do models have?

Babes.

She'll introduce me to two friends, and they'll introduce me to two friends, and

so on, and so on, and so on.

Mr. Tedesto, you didn't have to walk me to the storeroom. You could have just

given me a key.

Nonsense. Only I understand the key coding system.

Uh, blue key, blue lock, right?

Don't breathe a word of this to anyone.

Uh, listen, before you go, could you just tell me where the bulletin boards

Oh, I have no idea. I haven't been in there since I shaved off my Fu Manchu.

Perhaps I shouldn't have shared that with you.

Be sure to lock up when you leave. There's a stray cat roaming around the

building. I will not rest until I catch it.

Wait, did you try here, kitty kitty?

Just because I opened up with you. It doesn't mean we're friends

Before we begin, I'd just like to point out that we have a new bulletin board

with 2A papers on it.

Luke Brower, who is apparently too busy to be with us this morning, and Jose

Nunez.

If only Maya had been paroled to see this.

Ah, Mr. Brower.

Sorry I'm late, Mr. Seaver.

It's the third time in a row, Luke.

Maybe I should call 555 -DELI and leave a wake -up call?

Don't worry, I only sleep in class.

All right, all right.

Now, these are emergency notification cards, all right? The office needs to

who to call in case of an accident.

How about China Phillips?

If I'm going to get mouth -to -mouth, I want to enjoy it.

All right, all right. Just fill them out and pass them back.

Okay, people.

This week, I was asked to do some remedial work in French.

So, I did it, and now I'm going to teach it to you.

Now, let's think of a phrase that we would like to translate into French.

Mr. Seaver, there's a beautiful woman at the door. Ah, good, perfect.

Seaver is the same in both languages, so we'll start with Monsieur Seaver. No,

no, there really is a beautiful woman at the door.

Okay,

okay, okay, okay, just parlez -vous among yourselves.

I'm in the middle of a class.

I know. I wouldn't bother you unless it was very urgent.

Okay, okay. What is it?

Which one of these should I wear to your house for dinner tonight?

You're helping a class talk to me about a dumb dress?

This isn't dumb.

I want your family to like me, especially your mother. My mother does

She can't. She's a college graduate, successful career woman, and a mother.

To her, I'm just a girl who dropped out of junior college to become a model

-slash -actress.

Oh, model slash actress, Kate. I can't even imagine those words coming out of

mother's mouth.

Come on.

Stop worrying. Everything's going to be fine. I'll be there to make sure

everything's okay. Okay, okay. Just tell me which one. Okay. All right.

This one? Mm -hmm.

Or this one?

This one.

Mr. Tedesco, you sent for me? Listen, can we make this kind of quick? Because

I've got a big family dinner to go to tonight.

Seaver, our entire system is on the verge of collapse.

What happened?

There is an emergency notification card missing from this stack.

Oh, no. Should we use the Cone of Silence?

The Wolf of Anarchy is at our door, and you're feeding him kibble.

We have 15 names on the roster and 14 cards.

Brower Luke is cardless.

I got a crazy idea. What do you say I have him fill one out tomorrow?

Impossible. Directive 943 -6 clearly states any distributee in the

matrix... Mr. Vestal, can we just cut to the chase?

I get his card by five where he's out on his undocumented keister.

He's one of my best students. I need his keister right where it is.

You needn't be crude.

I'm sorry, but Directive 943 -6 clearly states... I know, I know.

Just relax. I've got an idea.

Okay? What was that number? Five, five, five, deli.

Mr. Thieber, only I am authorized to use that phone.

Hello, Soho Pete?

This is Francis X. Tedesco.

And I need to speak with one of your employees, Luke Brower. I think he's a

waiter. Well, maybe a busboy.

You sure?

Okay, thank you.

That's funny they've never heard of him.

Neither have we. I just tried to pull his file. There isn't one.

His file's missing?

No.

Luke Brower does not exist.

Well, of course he does. He's in my class. He's one of my best students.

I have an A paper of his on my bulletin board.

Uh, Mr.

Tedesco, can I borrow your keys?

Ava, you're delirious.

Uh, hey, hey, look, there's that cat you're after. What? Where?

Right now.

She lost the hallway. You call for backup.

Animal regulation, this is Francis X. Tedesco.

We finally had a positive sighting on that cat I've been complaining about.

Grab your catnip, man your nets, the hunt's afoot.

That means get your raggedy keister down here right now.

Mr. Seaver, I'm looking for a new French book. I've got an outdated one.

Let's see.

Here's the right book. Now I can learn. No, no, no. Never mind the book.

Why don't you go ahead and explain this bed to me?

Someone must be sleeping in there.

Yeah, and I bet you can tell me who.

Okay. I needed a place to crash for a couple of nights. I had a fight with my

folks.

Oh, well, gosh.

I don't know how that goes. I mean, my folks.

Hey, a couple of nights. Luke, look, you got a lamp.

You got books.

You got cable.

I took advantage of the fall subscription special. No, no, no. Hey,

come on now.

Why don't you tell me what's going on here?

I don't have to tell you anything.

Yeah, sure you do.

I'm your teacher.

You should see yourself teach French. You don't know one word of it.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah?

Garage?

Restaurant?

There's five.

Wait a minute. Why am I defending myself?

You're good.

Thanks.

You don't have any place to live, do you?

Sure I do.

Oh, okay, fine, fine. Then why don't you just go ahead and fill out your address

here on this emergency notification card.

Oh, I'm not planning on having any emergencies.

Well, we might, and we may need to get a hold of you.

Well, this doesn't mean I'll get any junk mail.

725 West 48th? That's my house.

Really?

This address is in the middle of the river.

Houseboat.

You're good, too.

Thank you.

Look, I can't believe you're living here.

Well, I am.

Well, I don't get it. I mean, what about your parents?

I don't have any, and I don't need them. I'm doing fine right here.

Look, there's got to be someplace better than this. Yeah, like where?

Like some kind of, I don't know, some kind of city outreach, sort of nice,

place.

I've tried all the happy places.

This is better.

No, this can't be, Luke. I mean, this is New York, the city of brotherly love.

That's Philadelphia.

Oh, well, Luke, in a city like this, the Windy City... Chicago.

But my point is that you are entitled to a decent place to live.

And I know just how to get you one. Follow me.

The city of hope.

Hospital.

No, wait. Tedesco's just going to turn me over to the Bureau of Child Welfare.

No, no, no, no, no. Stay.

You can listen.

I promise that's the one place we will not call. You animal regulation people

nothing but pussyfoot.

That cat is prowling around this building with his jack -o' -lantern eyes

his sandpaper tongue, and I want him stopped.

Mr. Tedesco.

I found him. Hallelujah. Where was he? Out in the hall? No, in the storeroom.

Gnawing on a dead mouse, I presume.

No, no, but he was hungry. I mean, I'm sure he doesn't have a home.

Well, boo -hoo -hoo.

He can't stay here.

Just watch what you say. He's right outside the hall.

Oh, forgive me. I wouldn't want to injure his oh -so -tender feelings.

I think he is kind of worried about what might happen to him. Well, let me put

his little mind to rest.

They'll send over a truck for you, run you downtown, and throw you in a cage.

That sounds kind of harsh, don't you think? I mean, I was hoping maybe he

be adopted.

Well, maybe if he was young and cute.

But at his age, they'll keep him for two weeks. If no one wants him, they'll put

him to sleep.

That's the biggest thing I've ever heard.

This is nothing. In the old days, they'd club him with a blunt object and cut

him up for guitar strings.

We are talking about a 15 -year -old boy here. Stay with me, Seaver. We're

talking about a cat.

We are talking about Luke Brower. He's been living in the storeroom. And the

is his? Would you forget about the cat?

We have a homeless boy living here.

What?

This is a school. We can't have kids here.

I'll call the Bureau of Child Welfare.

No, no, no, no, no. I promised him we'd do something else.

There is nothing else.

Where's Mike?

Where the devil is Mike?

Where the heck is Mike?

I'm home.

Where's Mike?

I wonder if Kate knows any teenage babes.

Imagine that. Kate, you and Maggie both having the same dress.

Really? I hadn't noticed.

They're probably different sizes, though.

Not that that matters.

Where the hell is Mike?

Well, I think we've waited long enough.

Kate, we know how much Mike thinks of you, so we are glad for this opportunity

to welcome you to a real Seaver family dinner. Oh, thank you, Mrs.

Maggie.

Seaver.

May I offer you a slice of Jason's grandmother's famous blue ribbon dill

Does this bread have yeast in it? Yes.

Isn't it fluffy?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm going to say I don't eat anything with yeast.

Well, I do, so I will, and then we'll pass it to... What's the matter? Are you

allergic to yeast?

Oh, no, no. It's just that it can throw your whole system out of whack.

You know, lately I've been thinking of giving up yeast.

You beautiful friends who could give me some pointers?

Here you go, sweetheart.

I don't want to get wacky.

Now, Chrissy, your grandmother ate this bread every day of her life for 95

years. Why'd she stop?

Well, she died.

Pass.

Hey, hey, hey, there he is. There's Mike. Oh, wonderful.

I'll get the main court.

than you guys do deal with it.

Oh, hi, Kate. Hi.

So, where's Mike?

Oh, he's late.

Very, very late.

Well, that's all right.

We'll have a lovely time without him.

I wonder if anybody will notice if I get up and leave right now.

Well, here it is. Roast beef with all the fixings.

Kara, what are you doing here?

I'm your daughter. We love each other. Will you people get... Off my back?

Kate, they say that the first slice is lucky.

Um, didn't Mike mention my diet to you?

Diet?

Now, why would an attractive young woman like yourself need to lose weight,

Kate? Come on, I say go ahead, eat up. Oh, no, no, it's not a weight loss diet.

It's more of a way of life.

You're a vegetarian?

Oh, no, no, not exactly.

I just don't eat anything with a face.

I'm sure the roast beef is wonderful, but I just can't bear the idea that it

used to be a cow.

A cow?

Now, here you go, sweetheart.

You have always loved roast beef.

A cow?

Okay, Shirley, you can have some of the vegetables.

Oh, do you mind if I wash them off? I washed them off before I cooked them.

Yes, but they were cooked in the meat juice.

I wasn't aware meat juice had a face.

Um, is there anything here at all on the table that you can't have?

Is this tap water?

Yes. Oh, Ben, no.

So, where do pork chops come from?

Well...

Well,

thank you for going to so much trouble making the food and all.

There was a time I would have really enjoyed it.

Yes, well, Mike should have told us your diet was weird.

No, no, not weird.

Face free.

Oh, he can't blame Mike. I mean, he's been so busy lately.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure he meant to tell us. He probably just slipped his mind.

Yeah, normally he's the most responsible boy.

I'm gonna kill him.

Oh, good night. Yeah, good night, Kate.

Night, Kate.

Oh, gosh, this is a lovely variegated philodendron.

Would you like me to heat it up for you?

Well, Kate, for a city girl, you know a lot about plants.

Oh, I'm from Utica.

My whole family's farmers.

You hear that, Maggie?

Farm people, salt of the earth.

Low sodium, I'm sure.

Well, why don't we walk Kate to her car, then?

Shall we? Well, hey, this has been great. Next time you come to my place,

I'll cook for you. Well, the leaves will be falling off the trees soon.

I'll bring dessert.

Was chocolate ever alive?

No, honey.

Except for those little bunnies at Easter.

how you eat?

You just put on that apron and you steal food?

Yeah, but I gotta get a new apron. Corned beef here is really fatty.

Luke, no more stealing. No more lies, all right? I can't let you live on a

street like this.

Oh, you can't let me.

Well, this morning I wasn't on the street. I had a place to sleep and a

eat and a promising academic career.

Now, thank you.

for you than the one you've been living is that right well you got any

suggestions okay

are you sure this is okay yeah yeah it's fine it's leaving my sister's room uh

don't worry it's fine she's away at college and you can talk to my dad in

morning

I don't know. No, no, no. Stop worrying. It's fine. Just go on upstairs to the

first door on the right. And sometimes she keeps this big stuffed dog on her

bed. Just shove it off and hop in.

Okay. Good night.

Good night.

Oh, no. I missed dinner.

He's going to kill me.

Well, at least nothing else can go wrong tonight.