Original subtitles

Mr. and Mrs. Seaver, please take your usual seats.

So, Dr.

Seaver, how's the world of psychiatry?

Fine, fine. So, what about Ben? And Mrs. Seaver, gee, I miss your newscast on

Channel 19. Why did you leave?

Mr. DeWitt, could we please get to the point? Well, excuse me for making small

talk.

Now I believe it's your turn.

Oh, uh, so how's the wife, Mr. DeWitt?

We're getting divorced.

It's a very painful time in my life, and I can't believe you brought it up.

Mr. DeWitt, what is the problem with Ben?

Oh, he's suspended.

What?

During fourth period, Janitor Bob spotted him at the mall at Leilani's

stick.

That's where all the counter girls wear the coconut bras?

No, you've heard of it. No, no, no, I haven't.

And skipping class is serious, but is it worth the suspension?

No, but this is. When I had Ben Seaver sent to my office, a young Chinese boy

arrived.

Oh, there's another Ben Seaver in this school?

Matter of fact, at last count, there were six Ben Seavers.

Covering English, Spanish, science, physical education, algebra, and shop.

So he hasn't been attending any of those classes?

Not this semester.

And the funny part is, he's never done better.

Attention, people. This is Principal DeWitt.

Ben Seaver, I want to see you in my office before the spittle dries on this

microphone.

Guys. Hey, guys, come on, wait up.

Come on, I'll take this one. I'm back from lunch.

Van receiver. How could you do this?

I'm sorry, Mom.

the best is

coach, young man, until I tell you to move.

Hey, you move.

I breathe.

Well, keep it to a minimum.

Jason, why would he do this? Why would he skip school for three months? I don't

know. Oh, remember when he used to just love going to school?

No, he never did.

Well, sure, he did all through the early grades. Honey, all I know is when you

went back to work and I was driving him, I had to drag him out of the car.

So you're saying that my being a working mother caused all this? Oh, sweetheart,

no, it'll be ridiculous. Come on, your career lasted, what, three years?

It's official, Ben. You are now a total loser.

Carol, why don't you go pluck those hairs off your face?

Hey, Mike, guess who's got a two -week vacation?

Uh, let me guess. Is he tall and goofy?

Well, he's tall anyway.

I can't believe you're so proud that you got suspended.

Mike, explain it to her.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got suspended?

Yipper dipper.

And I took the whole Dewey High Minority Club with me.

Ben, Ben, this is not good.

Why not? Because somehow I am going to be blamed for this.

I knew this day was coming.

I mean, you can only be repulsive for so long, and then the world just vomits

you out.

All right, everybody, we want to talk to Ben.

Come on, Christy. I'll tell you a story. What story?

Well, it's called The Boy With No Brain.

All right, Ben, number one, no TV.

Ever? Ever.

Well, what if there's a natural disaster and I have to tune in for further

instructions?

You'll die.

Jason, I was going to handle this.

Yeah, Dad, let's hear what's on Mom's mind.

Ben, we are going to go over every class you skipped. You are going to catch up

in these two weeks, even if you have to study 24 hours a day.

Dad, you were saying?

Well, Ben, there's always boarding school, you know, where your day begins

a .m. with a nice, brisk 10 -mile run, and then it's off to classes for eight

nine hours. You don't skip class in boarding school, otherwise large women

no sense of humor hunt you down with dogs.

What's so funny, sweetheart?

The far side.

I love what he does with rhinos.

Need any help with words?

I look like Ben.

That is quite enough, Chrissy.

Good morning, all. The editorial page, please. Mm -hmm, there you go. What's an

editorial page?

Well, it's where opinions are voiced on important issues.

And when you get older, you'll be reading it.

And when Ben gets older, he'll be sleeping under it.

I think it would be nice if everyone left before Ben gets here.

Well, I'd love to leave. I can't even look at him.

You know, it has been a long time since just the two of us have been home

together. Yeah.

Remember when it used to be like this every day?

Sure. Then you went back to work.

That bothered you?

Doesn't matter.

Oh, I didn't think so.

But you did come home for Chrissy, though.

Honey, if I knew you were going to turn out like this, I never would have gone

back to work.

Thanks. No, no.

Ben, I figured we'd start each day with a ten -minute free period. You can

think, you can talk, you can ask me anything, and maybe we can get to know

other better. You can do whatever you want.

Great.

Right.

So, what are you reading?

The Knicks lost.

Hmm.

Well, the Lakers are pretty strong when Magic's on his game.

You knew Magic Johnson played for the Lakers?

Oh, yeah. I've been following him since he was at Michigan State.

That's a college band.

So, what's the article say?

The Knicks blew.

But what word does the writer use to convey that thought?

He used the word blue.

The Knicks blew like the exhaust from a Thai restaurant.

That's called a simile.

A what?

A simile. It's a figure of speech used as a comparison.

Hey, you try one.

I don't know, Mom. I'm as dumb as a post.

What?

What?

Dumb as a post. That's another simile.

Yeah? Yeah.

And how many rebounds did Ewan get?

Ten defensive, eight offensive.

And that makes?

Eighteen. And the game was played in? Los Angeles.

Which is it?

Uh...

It's where all the big movie stars live.

The Betty Ford Clinic.

Which is in?

California.

Right! Ben, you have just studied English, math, geography, and health.

You can do it.

Mom, would this be a simile?

Carol is butt ugly.

That's what you're teaching the golden rule.

American history is practical math.

You're studying hard, hoping to pass.

Working your fingers right down to the bottom.

The guy behind you won't leave you alone.

Ring, ring goes the bell.

The cook in the lunchroom's ready to sell.

You're lucky if you can find a seat.

Wow,

look at all those things crawling around.

Those are called microorganisms.

And they all live in that water my spin.

That's right.

Kind of makes you think twice about swallowing, doesn't it?

Imagine what happens when you kiss a girl.

Yeah, that... Mom.

Oh, lunchtime. You get another ten -minute free period.

Where did you learn all this stuff, Mom?

In college.

You went to college?

What did you think? You think I was making all this up?

I wasn't sure.

Well, I'm not.

Well, how can I reuse something like what's in my spit or where Massachusetts

is?

Well, let's say you wanted to go to a Celtics game.

Without Massachusetts, you don't stand much of a chance.

Well, they could be on the road in Philadelphia, which is in Pennsylvania,

Denver, which is in Colorado, or Chicago, which is in Illinois.

Ben, I do believe you're learning.

And I'm getting a nice trim fanny.

Honey, I'm sorry.

All I have is Jane Fonda tapes.

That's okay, Mom.

Actually, I kind of like watching all those women in tech.

So, what's for lunch?

Hi, honey. How was your day?

Well, people are losing their minds at an alarming rate, which leaves us

pretty.

Look at this. What's that?

I gave Ben a test to see what he's learned these two weeks, and he passed

course.

Carol's as ugly as a butt.

Oh, honey, I am so proud.

I mean, you should see him. I mean, he's actually enjoying learning, and we're

getting along so well, and I'm sorry I'm gushing. Oh, gush, gush.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.

Is it me, or is Chrissy starting to smell like roast pork?

Chrissy, what do you have under your jacket?

It wasn't my idea.

Vito Simpin's got to have this. He's gotten two weeks without it, and he must

going crazy by now.

Chrissy, go to your room.

On second thought, go sit on the front porch and air out.

What is that?

Leilani's cloven hoop special.

Honey, she's right next to my barber.

Look, there's a greasy note in there.

Ben, the long nightmare is over. See you at Leilani's Monday for shop class.

Sign Vito and the Coconut Boys.

I was kidding myself, Jason. He won't last a day in that school.

Oh, honey, come on. Just a minute ago, you were gushing. You don't know if he's

going to revert to his old ways.

Maybe you've given him the strength to resist that kind of temptation.

Hey, Mom, I wanted to talk to you.

All right!

Leilani's Cloverdove Special!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, did Leilani deliver myself through a wiki -wiki wagon?

teach Ben at home.

What?

Honey, we don't have to send him back to the Coconut Boys and who knows what on

a stick.

Honey, you're not a teacher.

No, no, no, no. Jason, I was for two weeks and he's done better than he has

years. Oh, but I'm sure there was some legality. Oh, so we'll get a lawyer.

Honey, I'm just talking about for the rest of the semester.

I just... Jason, I just want Ben to know how really good he is and that he's not

a dummy.

Well, there's a lot more to school than the academics, Maggie. There's

socialization. Oh, socialization. Is that what you call three guys staring at

girl in a coconut bikini?

Was when I was growing up.

Jason, right now Ben needs to focus on learning.

He could be lost forever if he doesn't start now.

I mean, it's a lot different teaching for two weeks than teaching for two

months. Well, that's what I'm counting on, Jason. I mean, I want to be there

him like I wasn't before.

You really believe in this, don't you?

Jason, we've gotten so close in these last two weeks. I just don't want to

that.

Well, Ben's counting on going back to school tomorrow.

Well, I'll tell him at breakfast. He's easier to handle before he's been fed.

Whoa. How come you're wearing good clothes for school?

Because all my dirty clothes are dirty.

It's okay. I was nervous my first day, too.

Hey, I'm not nervous.

Then how come you're out before the good cartoons are on?

Hey, leave me alone, okay?

Nervous. Very nervous.

Yes.

Ma 'am, I can wear this to school as weenie junk.

Yes, you are up early, and you are dressed like such a little gentleman.

Look, Mom, I gotta go change for school.

Again? Uh, I wanted to talk to you about school.

What about it?

Ben, what you've learned in these two weeks has made me so proud.

What would you say if, uh, you didn't have to go back to school?

You mean I learned so much I graduated?

No, Ben, I'm saying that you have done better in these two weeks than you have

ever done at doing.

And how would you feel about just... Going to school here at home.

Mom, this isn't funny.

Ben, I thought you were actually excited about doing schoolwork. I mean, you and

I had fun together.

Shh!

Mom, if my friends heard you say that, they'd laugh at me.

You know what they're going to do when they find out I'm going to mommy high?

Honey, I really think it's for the best.

And underneath, I think you do, too. I mean, can you honestly tell me, can you

honestly say that you can hang out with Vito and the Coconut Boys and not get

into trouble?

I certainly... I most certainly can't.

So this is what I get for my two weeks of hard work. More punishment?

Ben, when you're older, you'll understand.

I won't be getting any older. Mama's boys have a short lifespan.

I see you took the news well.

Jason, I firmly believe that underneath, deep, deep, deep within his soul, he

knows it's for the best.

I don't know, Maggie. I mean, when I was his age, all I cared about was snapping

towels with the guys and smelling bad and getting all goofy and nervous around

females. That happened when you were younger, too?

There's no need to lash out at me, Maggie. Yes, there is, Jason. I don't

like I have your support in this.

Honey, look, I mean, all things considered, when you look at the

I think you're teaching Ben at home is worth a shot.

But if you want me to say that what you're doing is absolutely 100%, no

about it, right, I can't say that unless you want me to lie.

Would it be a big lie?

How can you forget that Los Angeles is in California? It is the corporate

headquarters of Leilani's Luau on a stick.

Uh, Mother?

A word.

You hurt, don't you?

No. Mom, this is me, Carol, your sensitive, perceptive daughter.

Mom, it's okay. I know why you're going through this pointless charade.

To make up for the tragedy of those lost years.

But it's okay.

Guilt has made women far better than you go insane.

Listen, you... Because of you, she's going to want to try this on me.

There goes my socialization.

Hey, look, I'm not too happy about this either. The last place I want to be is

here. Then do something about it. Run away from home. I'll pack your clothes

you.

I want to see everything you missed today covered in your homework, and you

stay in your room until you know it backwards and forwards, or you will rot

a bad melon.

And that is a symbol that you can take to the bank.

Mrs. Seaver, I could hear you a block away.

You know, you would have made a great teacher.

Mr. DeWitt, if you have come here to tell me that Ben needs socialization, or

that he needs to hang out with boys or snap towels or act goofy around females,

or that I am doing this only out of guilt, save it. I have heard it all.

Here. Here, teach.

What? Mrs. Seaver, I have come here to applaud you.

For the first time in my career, I have seen a parent do something right.

You took control of your son's life when he needed it the most.

Wow, well, thanks.

It was just when I was beginning to doubt myself.

All I can say is I just wish that all the parents of all the students in all

classrooms around the world would take him home and teach him.

But then you'd be out of a job.

I'm a city employee. I ain't going nowhere.

On the QT, my mommy taught me at home for 14 years, and look how I turned out.

Mom, I'm too sick to stay home today. I got to go to school.

Ben, don't.

It's okay, honey. Go.

You're not arguing?

No.

It's a mistake teaching you at home. I'm sorry I ever got into it.

How could you say that? Come on, I was doing good, wasn't I? Dan, just go to

school. You're going to be late.

I don't want to go to school. Oh, so now you want to stay home? I didn't say

that either.

Well, Dan, those are your two choices.

Make up your mind. Yeah, I know. It's driving me nuts.

What is?

Mom, I like studying with you.

And I actually learned something.

I mean, it's not real neat having everybody calling you stupid.

Who calls you stupid?

It's my image. I mean, it's what I do. It's what I am.

I don't like that.

I don't like it either.

But you know, I'll tell you what's worse.

It's having all those guys call me a mama's boy.

Who's saying that?

They all are, Mom.

When they walk by the house dragging their bat along the fence, they're

it.

When I hear tires squeal late at night, it's meant for me, Mom.

I don't know what to do.

I mean, it's really neat having you all to myself.

It's really neat not feeling dumb.

You did like being here with me?

Shh!

Come on.

They could show up at any time. They've been known to hide in bushes.

Well, you are more trouble than you're worth, young man.

Huh? You are too dangerous for public schooling. You can just tell your

I said so.

I'm not dangerous.

Such things wouldn't be said about a mama's boy, would they?

No.

Oh, so I could, like, go to school here and nobody would have to know that I'm

actually liking it? That's right, honey.

Honey? I mean, deadbeat. You are too wild to be let loose on the streets.

You're welcome.

This isn't gonna be...

Are we still acting or should I be worried?

Mom, how come you had to go back to work?

I didn't have to, Ben.

I wanted to.

Come here.

Ben, imagine you had to spend 15 years in this house without ever going out to

play. You'd go crazy, wouldn't you?

Well, believe it or not, a lot of grown -ups feel the same way about work.

That's this, Mom.

And I know this has been a big change for all of us.

And I worry about not being here for you because, well, you're the youngest.

And I worry about not being here for Carol because she's a girl and she needs

her mother.

And I worry about not being here for Mike to keep him from accidentally

something up.

And believe me, I worry about leaving your father here to cope with all you

monsters.

You shouldn't worry so much, Mom.

You'll make yourself crazy.