Original subtitles

Three minutes before ten o 'clock on a Friday night in New York City, and we've

got you rock and roll.

Um, I keep forgetting. How old do you have to be to drive in this state again?

Get inside, Ben, now.

Move it, mister.

Joyriding in our car? Driving without a license? Without insurance?

Let's not forget the good news.

What? I'm home before my curfew.

Ben, we are very, very disappointed in you. What were you thinking of? I also

wore my seatbelt the whole time.

That's it, Ben. You're grounded. Go to your room. For wearing my seatbelt?

I don't think that's very responsible parenting.

Not another word, Ben.

I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry. I know I screwed up big, and I'll

never do it again.

I don't know if you guys remember, but it's pretty tough being a teen.

Ben, honey, we love you very much, and that's why we're just a little

disappointed.

Thanks for understanding.

So, how about roasting us some hot dogs?

I said go to your room.

I'm still grounded?

Well, until we can think of the rest of your punishment.

I don't get it. I hugged you guys and everything.

And I was moved.

Go to your room.

This isn't the way it happens on TV.

What's TV got to do with it?

In every family, on every TV show, when the kids mess up, all they have to do is

hug just before the last commercial. Where you been?

Do you see any cameras here? Do you see any lights?

This is not TV, Ben. This is the real world.

Problems just aren't solved that easy.

I know, Dad.

That's why they have two parters.

Ben. Bart Simpson blew up a toilet and he wasn't sent to his room. He's a

cartoon.

Yeah, so think how easy it should be for us humans.

I want you to go to your room. I want you to think about what you did wrong.

I'll tell you what's wrong. Me being stuck here in the real world and not on

What did I do and why it was wrong?

I got caught.

No, that's probably wrong too.

Once again, from the top.

Hey, who are you?

Special effects.

Oh, we're going to have to do that again.

That's way too big of a box.

Did you forget your line? What line? Who are you?

What's going on here?

Don't play games. The director's in a bad mood.

In a very bad mood.

Everyone whose name begins with a G is fired.

Where's the rest of my bedroom?

Where am I? Meet the Seavers. Opening scene, take two.

Remember, your first line is said very softly. In five, four, three... Show

me that smile again.

Show me that smile.

Don't waste another minute on your crying.

We're nowhere near the end. We're nowhere near the end. The best is ready

No, Jeremy.

We're doing a show here in two hours, and this Emmy -winning director doesn't

need this grief.

Why are you calling me Jeremy?

Who is that? Is that God?

He is to me.

Susan.

Susan, give Jeremy his line for the last time.

I've got to tell Mom and Dad how sorry I am and how much I love them.

This is too weird. Tell me about it.

Dad, boy, am I glad to see you. I've been looking all over for you. What is

happening? Shh.

Now, you've got to tell the Disney World people I cannot make that ribbon

-cutting on the 5th.

I got the Passover parade with Morgan Fairchild.

Dad, I've got to talk to you.

Hold on a second. Yeah, go ahead.

Dad, look, something really weird is going on here. Our house, well, it's

our house, but it isn't. I mean, there's all these strange people.

I think I'm losing my mind.

No, no, no. Hey, I was very clear, babe.

I said a definite no to the new match game and a yes to the new Hollywood

Squares.

Dad, can you get off the phone? I'm dying here.

Jeremy, don't you have your real family to help you with that?

You are my real family.

And you called me Jeremy, too.

Yes, I did.

That's your name. I thought I'd been calling you for six seasons.

That is your name, isn't it?

That's your name? Dad?

I'm not your dad. I play your father on television. Meet the Savers, remember?

Huh? Not like I don't care about you like my real son I do. No!

No, it's Center Square or I walk.

No, no, Dad, this is wrong. Come on, we are not a TV family. We are a real

family. Well, why don't they just bump Urkel?

Thank you.

Mom! Mom!

What is it, honey? I don't know. I don't know anything. I'm going nuts here.

It seems to me that someone's gone to a lot of trouble to mess with my head.

Mom? Mom!

What, honey? Can I please spend the night at Desiree's house? I promise I

stay out late. Mom, who is this?

Why is she calling you mom?

Oh, you know my daughter, Ashley.

My sister?

My daughter. My sister?

My daughter.

No, Ashley's not your daughter. Carol and Chrissy are.

Oh, they're my TV daughters.

Ashley's my real daughter.

You do know the difference between TV and real life.

What's happening to me?

I used to think you were hot.

Hey, gorgeous.

Oh, hi, honey.

Baby. Hey!

Hi!

Jeremy Miller, what's gotten into you? Oh, what are you doing? Dad's right over

there. He is only my TV husband. Hans is my real -life friend.

Now, you should apologize.

Believe me, I will never joyride in the family car again.

Oh,

Jeremy. We run these lines a little later.

Somebody call a nurse! The klutz did it again.

You know me!

Get away from me! You disgust me! Of course I do. I'm your brother.

I don't have any brothers. I have several sisters, though.

whom are mighty talented.

Carol, look, I know we haven't gotten along, and I know we have our

but I have to ask you a favor.

Stop kidding with me. I don't know if I can take it for another minute.

Cabin, am I done for the afternoon?

Um, sure. We don't need you till the audience show.

You be.

Okay, I'm gonna close my eyes.

And when I open them back up, I'm gonna be in my room.

One, two.

Three.

What the heck are you doing?

Chrissy. Tell me you're Chrissy.

I'm Chrissy.

But for eight weeks this summer, I'm gonna be a...

Where's Mike?

Mike Thieber?

Over there.

He thinks he can trick me.

Thanks for the support.

See you later.

Is that or no? Are you my brother or are you just an actor pretending to be?

Come again?

Ready for lunch, sweetheart?

Oh, oh, yeah. Sounds great. Hey, you want to join us? Kate, you're here too?

What are you talking about? You know Chelsea.

Who's Chelsea?

Me. No, you're Kate.

No, no, no. On TV, she's Kate. But in real life, she's my girlfriend.

It's the same person?

Yeah. Don't you watch entertainment tonight?

Mike, if you're in there somewhere, please, you've got to help me. I said

life was better on TV, and somehow I got stuck on this stupid TV show. Hey,

look, if you're unhappy with the show, maybe you should talk with your agent. I

don't have an agent.

Well, then you really shouldn't be surprised your part's gotten so small.

Hey, I just want to get out of here. Not so loud.

Remember what happened to Shelley Long?

I've seen this happen to so many kid actors.

I gotta go home. You got it, kid.

You'll drive me?

What do you think, they pay me to stand here and eat donuts?

Great! All right. Yeah, I need to go to Long Island.

I thought you wanted to go home.

That's where I live, 15 Robin Hood Lane.

You moved.

No, I didn't move.

Easy, easy.

You're the boss.

Kid actors.

All right, this is my street.

Here we are.

15 Robin Hood Lane.

Can't be right.

Hey, afternoon.

Fill her up. Excuse me, is this 15 Robin Hood Lane?

You with the IRS?

No. Yes, it is.

Where's my house? I live at 15 Robin Hood Lane.

Not unless you've been sleeping on the lube rack.

What's happening to me?

Where am I? Doesn't anybody know who I am?

Hey, hold your horses. I do know you.

You do?

Thank God.

Yeah, you're that kid on Meet the Seavers, Jeremy Mueller.

Can I have your autograph for my little granddaughter?

Her name's Bub.

I've got some wet cement out back if you'd like to take your shoes off.

about it, kid.

Some nights I forget where I live, too.

Hey, I know. Take me to my grandma Irma's apartment in Manhattan.

She got a bathroom?

Jeremy, where you been? The audience is here. We're all set for the show.

Look, you've got the wrong guy. I can't act. It's okay. The writers can't write.

Hey, what are you doing? Let me go. I can't act. You've got the wrong guy.

I cannot act. Let me go.

Okay, who's from out of town?

Oh, wait.

Ladies and gentlemen,

You screwed up today's rehearsal.

Guess who's not happy? Me.

Come on. Come here.

I want you to get in that car and be funny like your life depended on it. But

don't even know what's going on here. Oh, God. You've been on joyriding.

sneaking in the house. Your parents bust you.

But I already lived through that.

Good. Maybe you can play it then.

Wait a minute. This is how this whole thing began.

Meet the Seabirds, episode number 140. Have a good show, gang. In 5, 4, 3,

2... Now!

This is too weird.

I keep forgetting.

How old do you have to be to drive in this state?

Inside, Ben, now.

Move it, mister.

This is how this whole thing started.

Cut.

Jeremy, were you not supposed to exit to the kitchen?

That's right, I did do that.

I am not amused.

Jeremy, what's gotten into you? Just, you know, just like we rehearsed. Just

into the kitchen and wait on your mark.

In five, four, three, two... What's the mark?

Joyride.

license without insurance um uh i am back before my curfew ben

we are very very disappointed in you what were you thinking of

i also wore my seat belt the whole time right uh i

also wore my seat belt the whole time that's it ben you're grounded go to your

room

Oh, you apologize.

All right.

Um, I'm sorry. I, uh, I know I screwed up big, and I'll never do it again.

Um, you guys know how hard it is to be a teenager.

Yeah.

We love you very much. That's why we're just a little disappointed.

Ah, what the heck, we forgive you.

How about roasting up your men a couple of hot dogs?

There is nothing else that I would rather do.

Oh, don't worry, Spot. He said hot dogs.

What's with you people?

This is the freeze frame.

No, wait a minute. But you would not accept my apology with a stupid hug.

ground me. Stop moving. You're ruining the freeze frame.

I don't care about the... Freeze frame? Come on, this is all wrong. This is not

how it's supposed to be.

What's going on? Did we change this bit of rehearsal or something?

We most certainly did not.

Look, in real life, this is not how it is at all.

This isn't real life. This is television, Jeremy.

Somebody, come on, you've got to help me, please. I have to get out of here. I

have to get home.

Jeremy, is there anyone who can help me?

Excuse me?

I don't know you, but you look like a real person.

Jeremy Miller, ladies and gentlemen. He makes it seem just like real life.

Get away from me.

Kevin,

Kevin, Kevin. I don't think I can help.

Just let me have a minute alone with him.

All right, Kirk.

Whatever you say.

Listen.

Shh, shh, shh.

We can't talk here.

Look, whoever you are, I don't... Benny, Benny, Benny, come on. What are you

talking about? It's me, Mike.

Mike? So I'm not crazy?

Yes. Wait a minute. How do I know it's really you?

Look, it is you!

Come on, we have to get out of here, please. Benny, Benny, come on. Be an

all right? This is your world now. Huh?

Yes. Benny, you're not crazy.

Okay, five years ago, I fell asleep instead of studying, and I've been

here ever since.

You wouldn't believe the stuff they've made me do.

There's no way out?

Don't you think if there was, I would find one? Don't you think I'd like to

up a little on this show, act more mature, maybe even grow some facial

But no, they won't let you. They own you.

Not me.

Nobody owns me!

Take the drop.

When you find him, bring him to me.

And if you can't find him, get me Fred Savage on the phone.

If you can't find him, bring me Urkel.

Hi. This is the director speaking.

Pay no attention to that man shouting in the microphone.

You're the great and powerful director?

You're the guy everybody's afraid of? You're a weenie.

Please, don't tell. Please, please.

He's a weenie.

Quiet.

Man, I can't believe this. This is all phony. It's tricks.

None of this is real. Look.

I don't think you're getting the full picture here, Jeremy. Cut the act. My

brother told me. I'm not Jeremy. I'm Ben Thieber.

So you know.

Well, that doesn't change anything. Yes, it does. I want out.

Sorry, no can do.

Why? Well, if I let you out, I gotta let everybody out.

Mike next, and then that little song and dance kid.

But I don't want to be on TV. I want a real family.

That's not what you said before.

When?

Susan!

Page five in the kitchen.

I'll tell you what's wrong. I'm stuck here in the real world and not on TV.

Oh, no. I did say that.

You certainly did.

And then I went to my room and this whole nightmare started.

Hey, it's not so bad, Ben.

Let me explain how TV families work.

You never have a problem you can't solve in a half hour.

You don't get sick. You never go to the bathroom.

Girls think you're cute.

And you always have something funny to say thanks to, and this is our secret,

the writers.

Hey, what are they doing in my room?

Taking it down.

If you're not going to do the show, we've got to move on.

Next week, we're going to do a very special... We could show a rerun.

I've got to get back there.

I'm not finished talking to you yet.

Stop him.

Don't let him near his room.

Stop him.

No, no. Don't touch any of it. Back.

Get away. Don't touch any of it.

I'm going to count to three. Then I'm going to pull off the covers.

I'm going to be home.

I'm going to be grounded.

And I'm going to be so happy.

One.

Two.

Three. Huh?

Huh?

No missing wall?

No light?

No cameras?

No weenie directors?

Yes! I think I'll take the car out and celebrate.

No, that would be wrong.

Anybody, do you know who I am?

Someone I'd rather not be related to?

I'm going to have to shower again.

Ben, what's got into you? Oh, I've been thinking all night.

Good. Yeah, I was wrong. The real world is much better than TV.

What? That's not what you're supposed to think about. You're supposed to be

thinking about why you shouldn't drive.

I was?

Yes, Ben.

Well, I don't have to think about that. I knew it was wrong before I did it.

That's why I was sneaking in.

But you guys don't have to get upset. You're welcome to punish me for it. Oh,

will, Ben. We will. Great.

The grounding remains until further notice. Deal. Your allowance is

for a month. Super. You will wash that car every weekend until you show some

responsibility. That's terrific.

You're happy with all this?

Yeah. I'm just glad you're not kissing a man named Hans.

Hans? And I'm glad you're not doing parades with Morgan Fairchild.

Pardon me?

Look, I know this won't change a thing, but I love you.

I love you.

Who's Hans?