Original subtitles

And my thanks to you, my good man.

That's 34 even.

I'll be right back.

Hey, if I knew I was going to have to wait, I wouldn't have turned off the

meter. I know.

Oh, God, give me strength.

All right, spread them, clown.

Spread what?

Grandpa Ed!

Hi, Benny!

Listen, are you happy to see me? Sure, Grandpa. Are you thrilled to see me? Oh,

you bet, Grandpa.

Got 34 bucks I can borrow.

Who are you?

Keep your pants on!

Where are your folks? In bed.

Well,

well, well, if this isn't a pretty picture.

Jason.

Oh, Jason.

Oh,

Jason. Oh, Ed,

what are you doing in my bedroom?

A more important question might be, what are you doing with my daughter?

We're married.

Oh, you think that makes it okay?

How about a little kiss?

Always this grumpy in the morning.

Show me that smile.

Show me that smile.

I wish my dad had told me he was coming. I don't have time to talk to him today.

I don't have time to breathe today.

I'm telling you that he is up to something. Why else would he travel 200

without bringing my mom?

Maggie, this is your mother we're talking about.

Jason, my mom does not get on my dad's nerves. He stopped listening to her

ago.

Well, what do you think he's up to, then? Oh, I don't know, but somehow I

I'm going to end up feeling guilty, and then I'm going to take it out on you.

I'll be working late tonight.

Oh, nobody makes blueberry pancakes like you do, Margaret. Oh, those aren't

blueberry pancakes.

Oh?

Oh,

that was good.

Very funny, Ed, and such a good example for the little one.

Hey, everybody. Hey, what's so funny? Hey, Mikey.

Hey, Grandpa Ed. How's the famous actor? Hey, good.

Listen, have you done any love scenes with that Michelle Piper yet?

My name is Pfeiffer, Michelle Pfeiffer.

Why didn't you tell me the grandfather was coming over?

None of it knew.

Huh? That's ridiculous.

I phoned yesterday.

I wouldn't barge in here without calling.

Oh, come on, Ed. You never call. You always barge in. Well, I do. I left a

message with Benny, just like I always do.

Always do?

Yeah.

So all these years, you haven't been barging in? I should say not.

Didn't I tell you guys?

No. Great.

After all the stupid messages we've taken for you.

Oh, what else have you forgotten to tell us?

Um, Mike, Julie called. She says the wedding's off.

And you still haven't answered my question. Why are you here?

No reason. Just sort of a spur -of -the -moment visit. I thought maybe we could

sit around all day and talk.

You know, chew the pap and see what sticks to the wall.

No wonder Mom stayed home. What do we do first?

I'm sorry, Dad, but you just picked a very bad day.

Well, I thought maybe we could all go out for malls, huh?

Oh, Dad, I've got this PTA thing, and I've got these two articles that are due

next Friday, and I haven't even started them yet. Say, are you still crazy about

hopscotch? Dad, Dad, I can't.

You listen, I really can't. All right. Go on.

Don't trouble yourself over me. Just go on about your business.

Forget that I'm here.

Forget that I flew 200 miles. Forget that I took a cab. Forget that I brought

you into this world. Put a roof over your head for 18 miserable years.

He left that part about carrying her six miles to the hospital when she

fractured her tibia. Right in the snowstorm.

With a three -foot drift.

Without any shoes on.

Thank you, Chrissy.

With a wild pack of wolf chickens.

Preschool, huh? Uh -huh. I guess having your kid raised by strangers beats

having them raised by their own flesh and blood mothers, huh? Daddy!

Never mind. That teacher there looked mighty young to me.

Couldn't they find somebody your age?

Thanks, Dad.

Dad, look, I'm sorry this day's going to be so hectic, but I've got to just...

Dad! Dad, the car's over here.

Come sit down, Margaret Catherine, and enjoy this crummy day.

Dad, I've got to get to the bank, and I have this PTA thing, and I still have

these articles to start.

You see that handsome young man over there with the bushy hair? Dad, are you

listening? The one pushing his daughter on the swing.

Dad,

I might as well give up.

Yep.

Now, say, does he remind you of anyone?

No. Someone you care about very much?

No. Someone you're very close to?

No. Someone you're very close to right now.

Daddy, I do not have time for guessing games. Oh, then let me give you a hint.

He's the spitting image of me when you were that age. Daddy, you never had

hair. You never had hair.

Damn it, Daddy. Can't we have one stinking tender moment here? Okay, you

hair. I'm not talking about that hair. I'm talking about the big red swing that

I used to push you in in the backyard. Remember?

Daddy. We never had a big red swing in the backyard.

Okay, then it was at Crummy Park where all of the gangs used to hold their

fights. Well, then why didn't you say so? It was a memory. I was trying to

it nicer.

Daddy, is something wrong?

We were supposed to be knee -deep in nostalgia at this point. How was I to

that you were going to be so rude?

I'm being rude?

Dad, who was the one that walked into the other's bedroom when she was lying

with her husband?

Fishy.

Fishing would do wonders for those creases in your forehead.

I do not have creases in my forehead.

Maybe a fine line or two, but definitely not. Forget it. What about fishing?

Try to shout at me when I just invited you to go on a fishing trip.

Dad, you didn't invite me to go on a fishing trip. Of course I did. Why else

would I bring up that fishing trip we took when you were six years old and

drowned all my night crawlers? Daddy, you did not bring it up.

Exactly when did you stop listening to me? Daddy, you did not bring it up. Gee,

you got me so confused.

Talking to you is worse than talking to your mother. I don't know why I put up

with either one of you. If anyone is not making sense around here right now, it

is you.

Now, you come here, you expect us to drop everything and roll out the red

carpet. You don't have a care in the world. You're retired.

I'm dying.

To do what?

Oh, that's what I flew 200 miles to tell you.

I'm dying.

Forget about it.

You're busy.

Hey, Dr. Connolly, please. Dr. Jason Seaver calling long distance.

Yes, thank you. I'll hold.

Chrissy, text your queen.

Feeling good?

Feeling ready? Still dancing.

All right.

Look at him. He is totally oblivious to the worry he's caused me. Yeah, Dr.

Riley, I'm Jason Seaver. I'm Ed Malone's son -in -law, and we're a little

concerned about him.

Uh -huh. I got it. I got it that it's not a doctor. That number he gave us is

one of Dad's cronies, and this is just one big practical joke.

Ha -ha, very funny. Laugh till you sober up, you bum.

Please. No, no, ooh, ooh, doctor, no. No, please, go on.

But why would he do that?

A full blood panel? And why isn't Mom with him?

Cardiomyopathy. Then why would he take a plane in a cab? He's cheaper than

Jason.

No, no, thank you for being so candid with us.

Okay, bye.

Honey, um... He's dying?

I wish I could say something.

Oh, no.

No, there must be some mistake. He looks so healthy. I mean, we just have to get

a second opinion. We just have to give...

Dr. Riley was the second opinion.

He was?

If cardiomyopathy is a viral infection, it affects the heart muscles, and at

first it's a mild angina, and then it develops into a degeneration. It was my

daddy.

Sorry, honey. I heard a doctor talk when I'm overwhelmed. Oh, God, Jason, I

don't know what to do.

Well, honey, what do you think he wants? What do you mean? Well, I mean, he's

come all this way. It's for more than just to break the news to you, honey.

There's something on his mind. What do you think it is?

You know what?

I don't really know my father well enough to guess.

How about two out of three?

Well, I guess you did find time in your busy schedule for me, huh?

Daddy, I'm sorry.

Well, that's what I get for raising a woman's liver.

Dad, I don't want to go for a walk.

Oh, it's a cold night.

Oh, Dad.

Oh, Dad.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

I don't need any tears.

Okay?

What can I do for you, Dad?

Do... do for me.

Whatever you want, you got it.

Honey, I'm... so... Oh, uh...

That, uh...

The will and other important papers, you've got to know, they're in that big

shoe box in the hall closet there right behind my fishing tackle. Uh -huh.

And I've made the funeral arrangements with Flannery and Son Mortuary.

Be sure to ask for Flannery Sr.

because Flannery Jr.'s an idiot.

Honey, do we really have to deal with all this now?

This is important. It's about my police death benefit. Now, I've asked for

monthly payments, and don't let the woman who runs the office tell you any

difference. She's the big redhead with all the warts.

Daddy, did you really come all this way to tell me about a red -headed woman

with warts? Now, look, if this is going to be too much for you to handle, I can

take care of the whole thing myself from beyond the grave. Oh, Daddy, I didn't

mean... How's Mom taking all this? Oh, she's fine.

How can she be fine with you?

Oh, the, uh, the will.

It wasn't about the will. Oh, the attorney that made out the will doesn't

practice anymore.

He's writing for Saturday Night Live.

But his partner's still there.

Boy, he ain't funny at all.

Well,

I guess that's it.

That's what you came here to tell me, one napkins worth?

Honey, I'm... There's something that you don't know about me,

Margaret Catherine.

It's a deep... Dark secret. I've kept it way down deep inside of me all these

many years.

Ever since the day of your birth.

What, Daddy?

Well, that night at Kelsey's bar when we got the phone call to say that all this

birth and business was fine and that your mother was conscious and that you

fine.

I made an oath to myself right then and there that I would never let you know

that I... Well, I... Wanted a son.

You know.

Daddy. Until I was in my teens, you used to smoke those cigars with It's a Boy

on the ring.

Well, they were good cigars. I couldn't just throw them away.

You set my first doll on fire. Hey, now that was an accident. Besides, Chatty

Cathy should have kept her mouth shut around my welding equipment.

You had me try out for Little League.

Yeah, but I always let you wear makeup when you got an extra piece.

You bought me a jock.

I didn't want you to feel any different than the other guy.

Oh, Daddy, this isn't exactly news to me. Is this really what you came here to

tell me? It's fine.

Deny a dying man his final apology.

Daddy, I always knew you wanted a son.

But I also knew that you loved me very much, so much that it probably surprised

you.

Oh, that it did.

I saw you cry at my wedding.

You did?

Yep. Well, that was probably because of the guy who you were marrying.

I don't believe you.

Good.

What can I do for you, Dad?

Well, I told you about the insurance.

No, no, no. The arrangements.

Daddy, please.

God,

honey, I'm scared.

It's just not fair.

Fair? Do you want to talk fair?

You know that Charlie McGill, who's three years older than me, he drinks a

of scotch a day.

And that Johnny Bugliosi, he's had so much surgery, he pees out of his armpit.

I'm still out there on the golf course making easy money with those putzies.

the past ten years, I've avoided red meat, cholesterol, nitrate, salt, and

other damn thing your mother could read about in those Reader's Digest.

I am Joe's stomach. I'm Joe's intestines.

I'm Joe's colon.

I know more about Joe than his stinking proctology.

You're right, Dad.

It's not fair.

It all goes by so fast.

Oh, I'm sorry that I never saw you in your grade school Christmas pageant.

Which one?

All of them.

Because I had to work nights because there was overtime and we needed the

Oh, Dad, Dad, you don't have to explain.

Oh, thanks.

Is Mom really okay with all this?

Are you kidding? Your mother doesn't know anything about this.

Dad, you said you told... No, I said that she was fine.

And she is fine because she doesn't know anything.

But, Dad, she's got to be told. I know. She has a right to know.

Let me explain something to you. A real man doesn't burden his wife with his

worries and his doubts. His job is to keep this marriage bliss thing going no

matter how he has to suffer in silence.

So Mom's not supposed to know you have a vulnerable, sensitive side, huh? That's

been my goal.

Daddy.

Look, I've taken care of my Kate.

For 46 years.

She relies on me for strength.

She knows I'm afraid now. What's there left for her?

Dad, you can't keep this all to yourself.

Let me hear, aren't I?

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

baby. You know another strange thing?

I thought when my day came that I'd be able to be ready to die.

But when that doctor gave me the news, I felt younger and healthier than I've

ever felt in my life.

Now, what's the sense of all of that?

I don't know, Daddy.

When I was a young man, I used to think that old people had all the answers.

I thought you had all the answers all along.

No. I was just faking it.

Our secret.

Our secret.

Mom's got to be told, Dad.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

But I needed to talk to you first.

Need it?

You don't think any less of me, do you?

Oh, no, Daddy.

I am so proud to be your son.

and these will do just fine.

I'll get it.

They're yours.

Oh, honey, I only need them for a couple of days.

I don't want them back.

I don't use them anymore since they got bug -infested.

I still can.

Why can't I go fishing with you and Grandpa? Oh, honey, it's just a chance

Grandpa and I to talk.

I won't say a word.

I'll just sit there and look cute.

Aw.

Sweetheart, do you remember last month when Daddy took you ice skating and you

didn't want anyone else to go because you didn't want to share him?

What's your point?

Well, Grandpa is my daddy.

And that's why last night I couldn't ride along when you dropped Grandpa at

airport. That's right.

Isn't that the trend?

Sweetheart.

Hey, how do I look?

What is it?

It's your dad.

He died about an hour ago.

No.

No, I just called him this morning to see if he had a safe flight.

Doctor said he went quickly and there was no pain. No, no, he just invited me

this busy trip. No, no!

I gotta go, Bob.

Higher, Daddy, higher.

You got three hits today, my darling.

I'm so proud of you.

So I can wear lipstick again?

Yes, but not to practice.

Well, very few ball players who wear lipstick ever make it to the big