Original subtitles

Well,

I loved it, and I generally don't like musicals. Right, Maggie? You love La

aux Folles. Yeah, but that wasn't for the music. I like men in dresses.

Don't anybody look, but that cute waiter has been staring at me all night long.

Here he comes, here he comes.

If you need anything else, anything at all, just whistle.

It's a haircut.

Hey, maybe you should get yourself a flat top, Carol.

Can we just finish our dessert and go home, please? Oh, don't talk like that,

honey. You just saw the hottest play on Broadway.

Oh, is that what it was?

You didn't like it?

It blew.

Well, I thought it was fascinating.

You got some drool on your lip.

Maggie, help me out here.

Why do I even bother? Huh?

Coffee? Oh, honey, you don't need any more coffee. No, I don't need it. I want

it. Too much coffee and you're up all night, and neither one of us wants that.

Honey,

you know what I mean.

No, that's fine, Megan. That's fine. I wouldn't have more coffee now if you

begged me.

Wally, I don't know why you even go to the theater.

Well, because you make me.

It wasn't so bad. I like the girls in the shower scene.

They're all wearing... tights, you little pervert.

They were?

Uh -huh.

Oh, then Wally's right. This played blue.

All right, Mike, you're the drama student. What did you think?

Well, they're pretty realistic tights, Dad.

Well,

you could have at least tried to enjoy it for me.

Oh, I did try.

I snuck in beers and everything.

I'm serious.

Well, fine. You want to talk serious? Why don't you try enjoying the things I

like? I'm sorry, I don't like making sausage at home.

But you sure enjoy eating it.

Don't you change your voice to me. Oh, Wally Irma, please. People are staring.

What? You've never been ragged on by a wife before?

Everything okay? Great. Christy was an angel. Oh, Carol, some guy called for

you. Right.

Even the babysitter makes fun of me.

I'm serious.

Hi, I'm Ben Seaver. I don't believe we've met, and in two years, I should

outgrow this goofiness.

Ben, go to bed.

You bet I will.

Here you go, Margo, and Dr. Seaver will give you a ride home. Thanks.

No need. No need, Mom.

It's okay. I'd be happy to take Margo home.

Oh, well, it's quite a distance.

Oh, that'll mind.

See you guys. Good night.

Good night.

Ah, to be young again.

Oh, honey, you're not that old. I wasn't talking about me.

I wasn't talking about you either. No, not you. You are so young. You're

than me.

Oh,

stop, stop, stop.

I'm afraid you're going to crush my leg.

Well, honey, you're happy for it. Yeah, in my own special way.

You know, you're kind of cute when you're stupid. Oh, yeah? This is going

make you crazy.

Does our marriage really come to this? I think quite a while ago.

Why are you so frisky tonight? Well, I just treated my family to a wonderful

evening of theater and dinner. It makes a man proud.

Oh, honey, I don't think your mom and Wally had so much fun. Yeah, I sensed a

little tension there.

Tension? They were ready to rip each other's spleens out. Yeah.

You're happy about this, aren't you? No, no, no, I'm not happy, Meg. I'm just

kidding around. I mean, if I thought that my mother were ever going to be

if there were ever any real problems there with her, well, I don't know. I

know what I'd do.

You know, honey, Wally really is a pretty good guy.

Yeah. Well, not good enough for my mom. Well, who would be?

My dad.

Rest his soul.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Mom.

Yeah, no, we were just getting ready.

Huh?

Tonight?

Okay, no, I'll be right there.

All right, bye.

What is it?

She's leaving Wally.

What?

She wants me to come right over and pick her up. Maggie, this is terrible.

Oh, honey, what are we going to do?

I know.

Let's make love.

What's that got to do with anything? Well, no, just say yes and I'll find a

to tie it in. This concludes our broadcasting day.

Now stay tuned for the national anthem sung by Miss Roseanne Barr.

That was close.

See how he survives on his own.

Let's see what he does without his clean underwear.

Let's see if he can find his teeth.

Oh, Mom, you're exaggerating. I'm sure Wally won't have any trouble finding his

teeth.

Irma, this may not be my place, but it was just an argument in a restaurant.

It wasn't just this argument.

Don't you ever have a moment when it occurs to you that you are married to

wrong person?

Oh, it's only natural.

Well, it just points out that we have absolutely nothing in common.

Oh, Irma, well, you're welcome to stay here and live here with us as long as

want to.

Today you should do it.

Pardon me?

Well, you people act as if I'm headed for divorce.

I'm confused.

What's confusing?

Two days on his own will teach him that life is not so bad on a short leash.

So you're not splitting up?

Oh, it hasn't been all bad.

And the romance department is, uh, quite nice.

Oh, my, please!

Oh, my marriage would be perfect if only I could get him to change completely.

I hear you.

Oh, Jason, could you do me one more favor, dear?

Yeah, name it. Well, I've packed a couple more bags back at the apartment.

For the dramatic effect.

When you're in the city tomorrow, could you pick them up for me, please?

Yeah. I think when he sees you pick them up, that will put a twist in his lower

track like a Bavarian pretzel.

Good night, all.

Good night.

Oh, what a lovely woman.

Well, you have to put this in perspective, Maggie. I mean, she's so

she can't admit the truth. She has to repress it. Oh, and what truth is that?

That she should be rid of that guy right now. That the memory of him should be

erased from all of us.

Well, maybe I should be the one to go pick up the suitcase.

Oh, you think I can't be objective?

Yes.

You misjudge me so.

Enjoy the lasagna, Wally.

And by the way, keep the teeth as long as you like.

Bye -bye.

Where? Where?

Hey,

Jerry, they fit far.

Hi, Walt.

What do you want, you quack?

No need for name -calling, Wally. Well, then I got nothing more to say to you.

I just came to get some of my mother's things.

This is supposed to twist my lower tract into a sheep shank, right?

I actually have a variant pretzel.

Well, come on in.

You just love this, don't you? Absolutely not, Wally.

Well, tell her I'm sitting pretty with Jerry Vale's underwear and teeth.

I'll tell her that.

Where are the bags?

Over there.

And you can tell her for me, her little plan didn't work.

I'm not going to be kept on a short leash.

You actually think my mother's like that?

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. All day long I hear, don't eat that.

Oh, don't wear that.

Don't you want to go to the theater?

Well, hell no, I don't want to go to the theater.

I want to watch a ball game and eat a brat.

Well, she's only looking out for your best interest, Wally. Well, I will not

manipulated by that woman.

Well, these things happen all the time, you know. A couple's sailing along in a

marriage and all of a sudden poofed.

What poofed? This poof. Who poofed? You poofed. I didn't poof.

You poofed your mother poofed. You take that back, Wally. Well, what am I

standing here for talking to an errand boy?

An errand boy? boy.

All right, one more errand, Wally.

Mother would like the deed of trust of this condo.

Well, what does she want that for? I don't know. Who knows where these things

could lead?

What are you saying?

I'm not saying anything, Wally. I'm a psychiatrist, not a lawyer.

Lawyer? She's getting a lawyer?

Well, yeah, the papers can wait for a day or two. Look, I'm just going to take

these bags and you finish your lasagna.

Oh, suddenly I'm not so hungry.

Jason, I'm too old for this.

Pardon me?

Well, she's talking lawyers and condo papers?

Well, I might have exaggerated a little. Maybe I got carried away. Oh, no, no,

no more right now, Jason. My colon's dancing.

Jason? No, Grandma. Just, uh... You ask her. No, you. You've known her longer.

Look. Grandma, you can't sit around here moping all day.

You want to shoot some hoops?

Oh, that's very sweet, dear.

No, thank you.

There, we made the offer that takes care of that.

Grandma, I heard about you and Wally. This is the worst thing. I have been so

upset. I haven't been able to sleep or eat.

This message is from me.

It's from a boy last night.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear. I guess I was just a little preoccupied.

Oh, sure. Oh, sure. Just think of yourself.

What was Carol shouting about?

She was comforting me, I think.

Oh, Jason, how did he take it when he picked up the bags?

Well... Was he devastated?

Well, I... Maggie,

get your husband to talk.

Jason, let's talk.

Well, the luggage thing didn't work. He's on to you, Mother. Oh, he knows me

well. He's smarter than he looks.

So in keeping with the spirit of your plan, I ask him to turn over the

papers to the Condor.

My son, I have trained you well.

You have no idea. We started talking, one thing led to another, and before I

know it, he was asking me to help you two get back together again.

You?

But you can't stand Wally.

I know, I know. I told him that.

He said it didn't matter. As far as he's concerned, he believes that I'm an

honest man.

Then he was lying through his teeth.

Actually, Jerry Bale's teeth.

Hey, well, he's really upset.

Are you sure?

No, there was a whole plate of lasagna there. He couldn't eat a bite.

But lasagna's his favorite food.

I won't cook it for him ever.

Look, he said that he thought I was his last chance to work things out or you

two would lose everything. Oh, dear, this is more serious than I thought.

What have I done?

Excuse me, Irma.

Jason, what have you done?

Well, nothing. I even told Walter the idea for the papers in the condo. That

mine, not Mom's. Well, something tells me that you weren't that objective.

Maggie, nothing went on in that apartment that I'm ashamed of, all

maybe that poof thing.

What poof thing? Don't even get me started on that.

Well, he's me.

Listen, I was thinking that... What?

Oh, yes.

Goodbye.

He said he can't talk to me. He's too upset.

Oh, Irma, you two obviously love each other. You wouldn't be putting each

through this hell.

We can't even talk to each other anymore.

Maybe what you need is just a little time to let things cool off, Mom.

What I need is your help.

If Wally can rely on someone he detests, so can I.

Erma? Erma, I think that maybe what you and Wally need to do is see a

professional. I don't want a professional. I want my son.

No, look, I don't want to get in the middle of this, Mom.

Well, you should have thought of that before you volunteered to go pick up my

suitcases.

Jason, I love you.

And please don't take this personally.

But you're a lying sack, you know that?

Maggie, didn't you hear what I just said? I don't want to get caught in the

middle of this thing. Jason, you can't tell me that on a subconscious level you

weren't thrilled your mother handed you a gun loaded with a bullet with Wally's

name on it.

I'm a little hurt, Maggie, that my mother sees me more clearly right now

you do.

Oh, and how is that?

Well, she's fully prepared to rely on her honest and fair and objective son.

I thought you were an only child.

Wally should be here by now.

Are you sure you told him it's seven o 'clock?

Will somebody open this damn door?

Let him wait a minute.

Are either of you going to open the door?

Forty seconds to go.

Wally, it's good to see you.

Hi, Irma.

Hi, Wally.

Oh, you look different.

It's the teeth.

Would you like to sit?

Sit? Well, I thought we were supposed to lie down and do things.

No, no, it doesn't work quite that way, Wally. What happens is I talk to each of

you individually, and then we all talk together.

You first.

You first.

No, after you. Oh, you should go first.

You have a serious problem.

You should go first because you are the serious problem.

I'll decide, all right? Wally, you're going first.

Well, let's figure you should side with your mother.

I'm not taking sides, Wally. Okay, Mom, you go first. Oh, you said me first. I'm

going first.

Okay, fine.

Fine, Wally. Step into my office.

Oh, no.

I'm not going into some office and laying on a couch where crazy people

been.

Wally, you think mental illness is a virus?

Well, from where I'm standing, it looks pretty much hereditary.

Oh, look, look, I've got an idea. Why don't you and Wally talk here, and Irma

and I will go in the kitchen?

Good. Okay, come on, Irma.

Wally.

Which end do I put my head on?

Doesn't matter.

I figured as much.

You don't have to lie down, Wally.

Well, can I have a beer?

Wally, come on. Let's just concentrate on why you're here.

I'd like you to talk about your marriage to my mom and what you think are the

problems. It blows.

Can you be a little more specific?

Blows chunks.

Sometimes I think she's trying to turn me into the person she thought I was

we were married, but I wasn't because we were courting.

All day long I... Look at him sitting there pouring his guts out to me.

Like I care.

Wait, I do care. I'm a professional.

The fate of their marriage is in my hands. I shouldn't be thinking these

I should be listening to his every word.

And why should I rely on Jerry Vale to bring me my lasagna?

And I stopped thinking to hear that.

Oh, you don't have to lay down, Mom.

Did Wally lay down?

No, he said.

Then I'll lay down.

Mom?

What? You're supposed to talk.

Oh, I thought you were supposed to talk.

No, no, the way this works is you talk and I listen.

You mean you spent all those years in that expensive medical school just to

there like a bump on a log to listen?

I'm used to talking and nobody talking back. That's what it's like being with

Wally.

And the Home Shopping Network has their lingerie bonanza on.

Wally speaks this the whole night.

That poor woman. Why can't she see how wrong Wally is for her?

It is obvious to me is the fact that I'd love to go to bed with Maggie right

now.

Boy, that's interesting.

Every time I think of my mom's marriage breaking up, I want to go to bed with

Maggie. I could write a paper on that.

Maybe a book.

Maybe get on Donahue, Oprah.

Wait a minute, I'm drifting.

Let me stick to what's important here.

It's just a paper. I don't have enough for a book.

No, the subject's my mom. Listen to what the woman is saying.

She's counting on me.

And he's always throwing Jerry Bale's lasagna in my face.

Okay, I've been out here 20 minutes giving this some really serious thought.

I could torpedo this marriage and no one would be the wiser.

Jason?

I'm done thinking.

Maggie, you... Oh, boy, you look great in that dress.

Thank you, honey. What about your Mama Wally? Well, I'll get rid of it.

No. No, I'm going to help you.

I'll take care of this.

For the next few moments, I would like you both to think of me not as your son

and not as someone you despise, but as a professional, because I want to give

you my professional opinion.

Think they bought that?

Yipper dipper, they did.

Now, in any marriage, no matter how much love is involved or how much love you

think you have for one another.

There's also a practical side of the relationship. There's that bond that

depends on a basic compatibility or incompatibility of the people involved.

Oh, man, she's crossing her legs.

And, uh... Oh, you two. With you two, there's some incompatibility, and I see

that... Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!

Oh, what is it, sweetheart?

Wim and Wally have to stay together.

No matter what happens, they'll both still love you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want Grandma out of my room so I can sleep with the

light on.

So wait a minute. What you want is more important than what's good for them?

Yep.

Well, aren't you being just a little bit selfish?

What did you say, Jason? Aren't you being a little bit selfish?

What did you say, Jason?

You asked me about being a little bit selfish, and the answer is no. Yes.

Let's just get to the bad news, okay?

Well, I think it's obvious that with all the differences that exist between you,

you should stay together.

What?

Well, because neither one of you have enough sense not to love each other. You

heard me.

But everything you said made it sound like we should give it up. Yeah, well, I

got problems of my own.

I gotta get some fresh air.

Jason. What?

I love you.

What's that for?

For not being as selfish as your four -year -old daughter. Come on. Did you

actually think for a second that I would put my own needs first?

Yep.

But deep down, I knew you'd do the right thing. Yep, yep, yep, yep.

You can't second -guess yourself. You did what was right.

Oh, Raleigh, you got that out.

Irma, what do you say we see one of those boring plays you like so much?

What do you say to a little lingerie bonanza? Oh, Irma, I'm through with the

whole shopping network.

I wasn't talking about TV.

Does that make you want to puke?

No, honey. We don't have to wait for them to leave. We can turn in now.

Too little, too late.

I'm not in the mood.

Hey, guys.

Mike, where have you been?

I've been dropping off the babysitter.

But you left last night. I know. She lived in Cincinnati.

You look like the kind of guy who would enjoy a good bedtime story.

Mr. Mouse finds a home.

Sorry, Chrissy, but Mr.

Mike found a blonde.

I've never seen a six -foot mouse before.

Sweetheart, who are you talking to?

What?

I am a smush, too.

Sorry, I figured something healthy was better for you.