Original subtitles

Previously on Growing Pain.

So what happened to your state teacher's college?

I'm not going.

Exactly what's going on, Mike?

I lied.

You want that same rent, you want the Seaver meal plan, then you gotta study

something, you gotta be a student.

So you're saying if I don't do what you say, you're making me move out? Mike

moved out, he's gone, his car is closed, everything. He moved out to do that

stupid play.

I'm an actor without a place to stay.

Would you please cut me a break?

Get out.

Here I am, a Columbia student who has to leave at 7 a .m. to make a 10 o 'clock

class. But do I live in New York?

No.

Let's come to this.

An anonymous homeless man gives me a buck.

You know, the best thing Mike ever did was move away from here. Oh, really?

Yeah, if I had the money, I'd do the same thing.

A blank check. You want to move?

No. Ah, well, Carol, what an amazing coincidence.

I mean, here you are on your way to New York, and here I am on my way back

there. Are you happy now that you've driven out two of my grandkids, you

Cheeseburger, scrambled eggs, fried ham, toast, three orange juices, and chili

fries. Right here.

Nothing for her?

The bill.

No.

Skip out on the bill and you'll be smelling out of the side of your neck.

Don't worry.

I have money. I have lots of money.

See, I've got lots to teach you about living on your own.

I've made a horrible mistake. I don't know anything about finding a place to

live.

One great moment of rebellion.

Now what am I going to do?

Pass the mustard.

I am at the watershed moment of my life and all you can say is pass the mustard?

And the ketchup.

What are you so worried about? I mean, at least Mom and Dad gave you a blank

check when they threw you out.

Correction. They threw you out. I was just merely demonstrating my

Oh. Oh, I see. So you were so tired of commuting among these perverts that you

decided to move into the city to be closer to them. Good plan, Carol.

You're right.

I have no right to be here.

A fool with a blank check.

Hey, hey, hey, all right. I've had just about enough of that kind of talk, young

lady.

I am going to take you under my wing, and I am going to show you the ropes,

if it costs Mom and Dad every last cent that they have.

Oh, I get it.

You're trying to cash in on my blank check.

Carol, you won me.

Thanks, but no thanks. I'd be better off with some guy off the street.

Hey, I'll give you $36 for your woman.

Do it.

Yeah.

looking, okay? This place is much better than all the other places, and you can

even have the bedroom. You can fill it with books. You can go crazy, Carol. You

can study every night till midnight.

There is a bedroom, right? Through the bathroom, dear.

Right past the combination shower toilet.

Mike and Carol Thiever, you're in luck.

I give preference to young married couples.

Against my better judgment.

I'll give it a shot.

But I have some rules of my own. I get the bed, none of your sleazy women are

welcome, and even if one of your only friends hits on me, I'm gone.

I like a woman who keeps her husband on a short leash.

Blank check.

A blank check.

Did you get that bonehead mole from one of your books, shrink man?

and you for anything other than marrying him.

I'm not even going to respond to that, Ed, because I'm concentrating on what's

important around here, which is the fact we don't even know where Mike and Carol

are.

94th and Broadway.

Carol called.

I didn't mention it.

No, you didn't mention it. What did she say?

Oh, we had a lovely chat.

It was a little rush she had to get to Columbia.

She really must be upset to go all the way to South America.

It's Columbia University in New York, Mother! You continue yelling at your

mother like that and you can get out of my house. I think you're right. It isn't

South America.

Of course it isn't South America, Lugnut.

Now, Ed, remember, when you yell, you get flatulent.

Nice. You embarrassed me.

Not news, Ed.

There's no reason to be this upset.

Carol is fine.

She's taken an apartment with Mike.

Mike Seaver?

I didn't mention that either.

No. I'll get my keys. Oh, wait, honey. Wait a minute. Think about it. Mike and

Carol are roommates.

I mean, she's going to make his life miserable.

He'll drive you crazy in a day or two. They'll both realize the horrible

they've made, and they're both going to be home like that.

Ha! It never works that way.

Look at poor Maggie here. 22 years since your wedding day, and she still hasn't

come home.

Are you talking to me?

Okay.

Okay, Mike, I got new pages.

We have reworked Act 2.

The new director?

What happened to the old director?

His catering business took off.

We have revised Act Two.

Oh, well, why?

All that gunfire. Ooh, made me queasy.

I'm a cowboy.

Not anymore. You're a hairdresser.

But isn't that a cytology?

Spare me your proletarian banality.

I've got to tell you people how wonderful it is to be able to share

complex thoughts with someone.

Well, I thought you lived with your brother.

I do, but with him I have to speak slowly and use one -syllable words.

As do I with certain professors.

Oh, everyone, my brother Mike.

Nice to...

with you privately in the kitchen, please?

Joe, I've got lots of lines to rehearse. I need my apartment.

Your apartment?

Yes, come on. I ain't paying the even month's rent.

Need I remind you that you're staying here this month out of my generosity?

Yeah, well, need I remind you that you make me puke?

Pardon me?

We're moving the discussion group down to Sullivan's Pub.

Join us.

No, I don't think I can. My mom and dad... I can. Can't I?

I ate because I have hours of studying.

Wasn't it Kierkegaard who said dread is a sympathetic antipathy?

You need to get something hanging out of your nose.

I wish my parents would just stay out of this.

Why don't they just go home?

Or move to California and just visit leap years.

You know, if Carol and Mike were my kids... I'd drive down into that city,

them both by the scruff of the neck, shove them in the back of the van, bring

them home, lock them in the basement without any food until they wised up.

That's because you're a loving father.

You know, part of me wants to just go down there, grab them by the scruff of

neck, throw them in the trunk of the car, drag them back home and lock them

the basement until they wise up.

Bet you got that from old Chrome Dome in there.

Refresh my memory, Keith.

Why didn't I do that with Mags when she married... What's his name? Old hairdo

in there.

As much as you wanted to, you realized that you couldn't control your child's

life.

Yeah, I forgot.

You took the right course of action.

We've just got to stand firm until they come home on our terms.

You're right.

I know you're right.

I'm positive you're right.

Thank you.

So what do we do when you're wrong?

Oh, I mean, it's 3 a .m. Where the heck is she?

Carol? Carol, where the heck have you been? I've been worried sick.

I called every library in town.

Can you feel it? Can you hear it? Can you smell it? Can you taste it? Huh?

I flirted.

I danced.

cappuccinos. And I laugh.

God, how I laugh.

You're not going to jump, are you? My whining wasn't about the commute.

What I really thirsted for was freedom.

Tonight I let that blessed liquid flow o 'er me, coursing its way to my very

soul. Hey, look, if you're not going to make any sense, then I'll take the

bedroom. Then I'll take Manhattan.

Hey, Miss Liberty, hand me that torch.

Jake, Dad, why are you leaving so early? Oh, just on the way to the office.

Thought I'd drop off some laundry.

What's this ham doing with your dirty laundry?

What did I put in Ben's sandwich?

All right, Maggie, I admit it. I'm packing some food for Mike and Carol.

But you said we shouldn't do anything, and you were so sure.

Well, I was sure, and then I started thinking, how would your dad handle it?

Maggie, what sets me apart from Ed is the fact that I've got a thought spot,

I'm not afraid to admit it. And I'll be damned if I'm going to start acting like

him.

You're right. Let them starve.

May I use your washing machine?

Sure, Daddy.

It's in the basement.

Mommy?

Yes, sweetheart?

Carol never moves back.

Oh, honey. Well, Carol just needs to work a few things out, and we just need

give her some space until she comes home.

So I should put off filling her clothes?

What are you doing? It's almost 12 noon and you're drooling on my pillow.

Away, Mike.

Look, not that I care, but aren't you missing Geekology 101?

So, I slept in, like, big deal.

You skipped a class?

I watched the sun kiss the sky.

How often does a person get to do that?

Every day.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, come on, watch the backwash.

Oh, so that's it? That's it? That's your whole day?

And the ironic thing is that I've done more in these 30 seconds than you'll

do in your entire life.

Now, I should have sold you for 36 bucks when I had the chance.

Nobody... Nobody... Lined?

You were supposed to have this memorized.

You were supposed to have this...

have anything memorized? Look, I'm sorry. I'm living with my sister, and

been driving me crazy.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't buy that. I have been living with my

sister for 35 years, and she has never been a problem.

All right, I'll have this stuff memorized by this afternoon.

It's not just the lines, and I certainly don't want to pierce your cover story

about your sister.

What are you saying? I am saying give your holster and your hot rollers to

wardrobe. You have given your final rinse.

She's my sister.

That is really sick.

This is great, Carol. This is really great.

You're getting mad at me?

If anything, you should be getting mad at them. They're the man.

And look, you know, you cut classes. You sleep in till noon. You let these

fluids flow over you. You go to these wild parties. You watch the...

Listen to yourself. Do you know what you sound like? Yeah, I do, Carol. I sound

like a guy who's got some sense of a little responsibility.

You know? And someone who cares about you, even if you don't have the sense to

see that...

No, the pressure's off. I got fired today.

Oh.

Well, Mike, look on the bright side.

Now you have time to evolve into what I've become.

No, thanks, Carol. I prefer walking erect.

But Nietzsche says, that which does not destroy us makes us

stronger.

Yeah, well, Kenny Rogers says you got to know when to hold them and know when to

fold them.

Jason, I just got the strangest call from my father. He said, don't go

All our problems are over.

What are you doing? I'm going somewhere.

Anyway.

Jason, you could give my dad a chance. After all, your plan hasn't exactly

worked like gangbusters.

Yeah, it has.

Mike, you're home.

Am I?

Well, it's up to you, Mike. I mean, you know what we expect of you if you're

going to move back in here. All right, I'll go to the stupid teacher's college,

and I'll stay in school until I get my crummy degree.

Oh, isn't that wonderful?

Well, why are you here, Mike?

Well, let's just say that New York did not go the way that I thought it would.

It never does. That city is a cesspool.

So we're just your backup?

Jason. Well, no, no, I want to know where we stand here.

Look, what do you want me to say, Dad? You want me to say that you were right

and I wasn't ready?

Well, you were.

I don't like being poor, and I didn't like living off a carol.

And I don't like not knowing if I'm even going to work tomorrow.

And even if I did, who the director would be, or what kind of part I would

or even if I was going to have a part.

Look, Daddy, do you want me to grovel? I'll grovel.

Welcome home, Mike.

It's cold.

I'm so glad you're home.

I don't even mind that you smell.

You know, I was noticing in that Boynton catalog that there's a little theater

group there called the Boynton College Players.

Don't push me!

Carol? Oh, wait. If she's back, the deal's off. I'm moving out.

You can do what you want to me, but it's my city. It'll always be my city.

What's going on here?

We caught her playing three -card Monty on 58th Street.

I was winning.

Go to your room, young lady.

Dad, only a parent can tell her child to go to her room.

Fine. Margaret, go to your room, then.

Listen, Ed, thank you for bringing our daughter home, and we owe you one.

Now get out.

Can you believe that, Kate?

We pulled their child from the jaws of hell, and then you give us the bum

We had a wonderful time.

Thank you for inviting us.

You two don't fool me.

I know you sent the goon squad to come and get me. Now, hold on. Wait a second.

I mean, we're glad to have you home, but if you don't want to stay, we're not

going to force you. You want to go?

Go.

See ya.

Oh, did you happen to have camp there?

No.

Oh, great.

So I'm stuck here until I die.

Carol, no matter how much you insult us, you are not going to get another blank

check.

Well, can I at least try?

I'll tell you what we will do.

If a dorm becomes available at Columbia, If you're interested, that's when we'll

help you out.

And you think that's fair?

Yes, we do.

Well, I prefer a blank check, but I guess I can live with that.

Tomorrow morning, I'm going to watch the sun kiss the sky.

Part of her anyway.

I wonder if being their parents didn't just get harder.

Excuse me.

Ed wants to know if we can get our luggage.

Man, you've really changed since you've got a place of your own.

Well, it's not just the place. I mean, it's the pre -party assignment. The

will be here any minute.

Babes?

Welcome to Ben's Palace of Pleasures, you sweet thing.

Beat it, you twerp.

Come over to the stick, man.

Oh, you must have girls coming over.

Yeah, I was planning a little party.

No way, you little hornball.

You're out of here.

Oh, come on, Mike, I'm begging you. The babes will be here any minute.

So what are we talking here?

I watched your car.

Every day for a week.

For a year, sir.

Ah, Benny, it's good to be home.

Ah, Eddie, my man, I just happened to be, uh, babysitting.

Then you wouldn't be interested in a promised land of available bids. Night.

Eddie, who are these people?

Parents without mates.

Eddie, this is gross.

Now, what is so gross about a bunch of lovely, lonely women too desperate to

have standards?