Original subtitles

So he moved out. That little, no -good, ungrateful... My son's gone.

My firstborn. My namesake, if we'd decided to go that way.

I want to go to school here.

Philip Boynton State Teachers College?

Exactly.

Michael Seaver.

Well, Mr. Seaver.

Would you like to tell us a little about your most recent acting experience?

Uh, well, just yesterday I convinced my parents that I'd given up acting.

So you lied to us?

Uh -huh.

So you never had any intention of going to Boynton?

You got it.

Here's the deal.

You want that same rent, you want the Seaver meal plan, then you gotta study

something. You gotta be a student. Study something anywhere. I don't care.

So you're saying if I don't do what you say, you're making me move out? No,

Mike, you're choosing to move out.

But why?

I don't know. You tell me. I like you living here.

Well, me too, Dad.

So what are we fighting about?

We're not fighting anymore.

I want your decision in the morning.

Jason?

Jason?

Yeah, honey?

Tell Mike to hurry up. His breakfast is getting cold.

Boy, how am I going to tell Maggie?

Look at her, all safe and secure in her little pink robe, whipping up eggs.

God, that's sexy.

Stop, stop. Now get back to the problem.

How am I going to tell her?

Jason, what are you doing?

I'm hugging my gal.

And it's not just because you're beautiful, Maggie. It's because, well,

I know that you and I can face anything, even Mike moving out.

Mike moved out? Well, I... Oh, you did it, didn't you? You, with your senseless

babbling, drove our firstborn away?

Maggie, remember, honey, the important thing is here. Our love will survive.

You know, maybe I'm making too much of this. She's an adult. She'll understand.

Now, you better put down that whisk.

Pardon me?

I have some terrible news.

My kid's moved out.

Oh, that's nice.

What, you're not upset?

Heck no. We can have more kids.

In fact, I'm in the mood to start trying right now.

What am I doing? I'll just go in and bite the bullet.

Oh, God, bullet.

Tell Mike to get here sooner or his three -minute egg is going to be hard

-boiled. Well, Mike won't be having breakfast this morning.

Decided to starve him into submission?

He's gone, Maggie.

What? Gone. Mike moved out. He's gone. His car's closed, everything. He moved

out to do that stupid play.

Oh, I can't believe it. It's just another one of these tricks.

Sweetheart, he took the toilet paper.

My baby.

But I thought you reasoned with him. I thought you worked everything out. So

I. And I hate to say this, Maggie, but I gotta blame you.

Me? Wait a minute. You're the one that talked to him last night, alone,

secretly. And you blame me?

That's right.

Because when my sober reasoning didn't work, I tried your stupid, hard -as

-nails approach.

What stupid, hard -as -nails approach?

Oh, you know, the ultimatum that you didn't have the guts to give him face to

face? I would never corner him like that, stay in school or get out. Oh, now

think we see why.

I can't believe my baby's gone.

I'm going after him. Where?

To New York. I didn't know he was in New York.

Oh, Jason, you know what city he's in, and you stand here in your pajamas and

robe like, like Hugh Stingy Hefner?

There's eight million people in that city. What am I supposed to do?

No, I'm just worried my baby's fallen into something terrible.

Thanks for putting me up for the night, babe.

Anything for you, cowboy.

Boy, I love acting.

Mr. Seaver.

Must you say that after every line?

Oh, well, she is saying some great stuff.

Maybe if you'll shut up, she'll say some more.

Now get back into that bed with that young woman.

boy I love acting

Jason, I feel so terrible.

I never got the chance to tell him goodbye.

Bye, Mike.

It was fun raising you.

No, it wasn't, Maggie. It was a nightmare.

So you're happy he's gone?

I'm not happy, Maggie. I'm destroyed. I'm hurt.

I'm at a loss here, but come on, I love that no -good, irresponsible,

selfish, hard -headed, crafty, opportunistic, dangerous outlaw of a

when he lies.

Look, Mom, Dad, look, I know what you guys are going to say, and I don't care.

This is what all the kids in school are wearing, and if you ask me, I think it

looks darn good.

We have bigger problems, Ben. Mike has moved out and gone to New York. Oh.

My mother cried, too, when she saw me.

Stop crying about this.

Mike moved to New York.

and we are talking window of opportunity here. I have a feeling that Mike's old

apartment is about to become Ben's house of pleasure.

All right, enough practice, girls.

Now, who wants to be shirts and who wants to be skin?

All right!

Honey, come on, look on the bright side.

Mike might become rich and successful and never need us again.

Can you believe this?

Carol, shouldn't you be catching a bus?

Well, yes, I should.

But just look at me.

Not now, Carol.

Oh, is this a bad time for your daughter to have a breakdown?

Yes.

Mike has moved to New York and we're pretty upset.

Nice. Here I am, a Columbia student who has to leave at 7 a .m. to make a 10 o

'clock class.

But do I live in New York?

No.

I have to wait at a bus stop and get splashed with mud by a traveling

who then stops his car and offers to wipe me off without using his hands.

Here, you better change. You're going to be late for class.

What are we going to do about Mike?

Well, I know we can't give in, Maggie.

I mean, we can't just let him live here and be a bum.

I don't know what to do. Our only hope is that he comes to his senses.

Then we have no hope.

Don't leave me, cowboy.

Don't leave me.

Sorry, babe, but I'm a traveling man and I gotta go.

So I'll just say, yo.

Okay.

We may have to do a little work on this ending.

People! That's it for today, and please leave your address so we can send you

your revised pages.

What do you do if you don't know your address?

Look inside your underwear.

I haven't found a place yet. Do you know where I can find a nice, clean little

apartment for, say, $100, $200 a month?

Yeah, Milwaukee.

Maurice, could you help me out? I mean, is there any way that I could get my

first day's pay now?

Michael, nobody gets paid until the play opens, and that's four weeks away.

Four weeks?

How's a guy supposed to live?

Well, you could sell your blood.

As a matter of fact, I'm going right now. You want to go?

No.

No, thanks.

875 Central Park South, Penthouse.

Uh, Liz.

Liz, you know, I was thinking, you know, I think you would really help me

understand my part if I could spend the night on your couch tonight.

Sorry. Tonight my boyfriend's fighting for the late heavyweight crown.

haven't seen each other in a few months, but, heck, we can't say that anymore.

How are you, Mike? I'm fine.

Kate, Kate, I did it. I moved to New York, and I'm starring in a play.

Broadway? Uh, off -Broadway. How far off? Uh, there's a nursing home on the

second floor.

Look, it doesn't matter. The point is, here I am, and here you are, and, heck,

you seen anyone?

No. Well, me neither. Want to live together?

Kate. Okay, okay, Kate, look, look, I know it was my idea for the two of us to

just be friends, but, hey, look, Kate, the question you gotta ask yourself is,

how meaningful do you want this friendship to be?

I would love to help you, but... Okay, look, Kate, here's the truth. I just

moved away from home. I got a hundred bucks in my pocket, and I got no place

live. I mean, it would only be for a couple of days. A week. I mean, six

tops. I would love to help you, but your mother's visiting.

Hello.

That's your mother?

You bet your butt.

Really nice to see you. And don't you know anybody else in the city?

Don't I know anybody else in the city?

Kate, my book is filled.

I just thought that I'd give you first shot.

Thanks.

Kate, any of the time that we were going out, did I ever lend you money?

No.

In fact, you owe me 50.

You're right. I'm sorry.

Bad time to bring up money.

Hey, I'll call you when the play opens.

I would love to see it. Okay.

You want to pay for two tickets now?

Grandma, it's your favorite grandson.

Do I have good news for you?

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Jerry Vale.

Hi, I'm Jerry Vale.

Is this my Grandma Irma and Wally's apartment?

Yes, and I'm house -sitting. I do that for all of my fans.

Wally and Irma are in the Bahamas.

The Bahamas?

Yeah, it's a little chain of islands off the East Coast.

Well, uh... Look, look, Mr. Vail, it's like this. I am Irma's grandson, Mike.

And I just moved to New York to become an actor. And I don't have a place to

stay.

What do you say?

That's a tough break, kid.

It'll make you a better person. So long.

want to stay, you gotta order some food.

Uh, well, excuse me, but that sign in the window clearly offers a bottomless

of coffee. It also says friendly service.

Look,

lady, here's the truth.

I'm an actor without a place to stay.

Would you please cut me a break?

You want a break? I'll tell you about breaks.

Forty years ago, I understudied Mary Martin in South Pacific and that broad

never even once got sick.

So, I joined the circus and spent my reproductive years with the two -headed

man. Would you like to see a picture of my kids?

I'm sure they're beautiful.

Yeah, right.

Everybody's talking at me.

I don't hear a thing.

Only the echoes of my mind.

People stop telling me.

You know whose fault it is? It's my father's.

Here.

A buck?

You're giving me a buck?

Sorry, it's all I can afford.

It's winter.

Come to this.

An anonymous homeless man gives me a buck.

Otis.

Stupid. Chrissy, that's the first time you ever insulted me.

No, it's the first time you've ever been in the room.

Where's Dad?

Upstairs.

Dad, come down here now!

Our turf. Keep out. The Regents.

I was graffitied, Ben, by a gang of twerps dressed just like you.

Carol.

Dad, I need to talk to you. I'm not asking you to violate any confidences

have with your brother, but if you see Mike, I want you to give him this money.

Do not say it's from me. I want him to learn a lesson, but I don't want him to

suffer. Enough said. Get away from me.

But, Dad, I have something to say. I've reached a decision.

Apparently so have the regents.

Oh, good. You're here, too. I have something to say. say to both of you?

you've got pain all over your coat.

You should read her butt.

Ben, go to your room.

Carol, you can't tell me where to go. Anyway, I don't live there anymore.

What? I moved up to the garage yesterday.

Ben, you don't move anywhere without permission.

Dad said it was okay.

Well, Maggie, my point was that just in case Mike should happen to come back,

this would symbolically communicate to him that no individual...

is more important or larger than the family as an entity because, as you

the fiber of the basic familial... Ben, go to your apartment.

I'm still here.

Why is that?

What do I have to do to get your attention? Wear vinyl like Ben?

Ben's wearing vinyl?

I can't take this anymore. This commute is killing me.

Honey, I think there's something important going on here, and we've

been just too preoccupied with Mike to even notice it.

Finally, Dad.

Carol's dropping out of school.

No. I'm not dropping out.

Thank God, that's so.

Listen, if Mike can live in the city, so can I.

Oh, no, you don't, Carol. You can save your breath. You're not moving anywhere.

You haven't even heard a word I've had to say. That's true, Maggie. Not another

word. What?

I think what your mother's trying to say is maybe this isn't the right time.

I'll tell her what I'm trying to say. Thank you very much.

Honey, I'll talk to her. It's okay. I can take care of things. Oh, like you

care of things with Mike?

Oh, so now we're blaming me all of a sudden. No, I blamed you all along.

Ah, because you couldn't hear the truth, huh?

Oh, Jason, I am going to handle this, okay?

Okay? Okay?

Okay?

Okay.

All right.

Where were we?

Well, you are not moving anywhere. End of discussion.

Okay. selfish.

Selfish? You think I'm keeping you here for me?

Bingo. Carol, what could I possibly have to gain by having you here?

Oh, thank you very much.

Honey, I just mean that maybe I think you're not ready to move out on your

How am I not ready? Name one thing. Just one. Okay. Uh -huh. For one? Uh -huh.

For one. If you were adult enough to move out, you'd be adult enough to know

this is a rotten time to be having this stinking conversation.

So trapped here till I die?

No, honey. The odds are you'll outlive your dad and me. You know, the best

Mike ever did was move away. from here. Oh, really? Yeah, at least he had the

good sense to get away from you. Me?

Yeah, and I'll tell you something else. If I had the money, I'd do the same

thing. Is that all that's keeping you here? Yes.

Well, here.

What are you doing?

Far be it for me to stand in your way.

A blank check. You want to move?

Move. You're free.

is because you were right.

Forgive me.

Loser.

Loser.

I should talk to Mom.

Mommy, your baby boy is home. In the real world, it's really rough on him.

What the heck am I doing here?

Oh, right.

I got nowhere to go.

What are you doing here? You look filthy and disgusting.

Uh, yeah, but after I shower, I'll be fine.

Do me a favor.

Don't look me up when I'm in New York. I won't. Wait a minute.

What do you mean when you're in New York?

Yeah, I'm moving there.

What?

Mm -hmm. Mom gave me a blank check.

It's some kind of joke, right?

Nope. With Mom's money, I'm finally on my own.

Uh, well, we're caroling.

What an amazing coincidence.

I mean, here you are on your way to New York, and here I am on my way back

there. Why don't I give you a ride?

You would do that?

Oh, yeah.

And Carol, I also hope to ease your first few troublesome days in Manhattan.

I don't trust you. Perhaps I should try a different borough.

A borough? Carol, I've got a car.

i come down now or will i just be in the way no no i can't come down

or no i won't be in the way honey if i am in the way i'll stay in my room no no

it's not that just carol's gone i gave her a blank check and now she's moving

new york and now she'll never speak to me again you gave her a what

doesn't care she hates us maggie all kids hate their parents at some time

perfectly healthy didn't you ever hate your parents no they never did anything

to upset me

Are you happy now that you've driven out two of my grandkids, you quack?

I'm in no mood for you, Ed. We were doing just fine till you showed up. Oh,

hell we were.

Oh, I sense tension.

Hey, you guys keep it down. I got some people over.

He's $20 ,000 hyphenated.

What? Uh, no reason.

You were thinking of my blank check, weren't you?

No.

I was thinking of our blank check.

All

right,

from now on, you are staying with me.

Okay.

What am I thinking?

My place is too small. I like it.

Is this the best place yet?

Hey, baby, let me see you dance.

Carol, what the heck is going on here? Who are these people? I met them all.