Original subtitles

So we have reached that magical time, the last drama project of the year. Now

upon graduation from Landon, many of you will go on to pursue your theatre

dreams in Broadway, television, the cinema, or if you're really serious, by

becoming a waiter.

This night of scenes is an important opportunity for all of you to, as we say

show business, suck up.

Many of my New York heavyweight theatre friends will be in attendance.

So there's a lot more riding on this evening than just a good grade.

Possibly your future.

What can I say? He acts. He directs. He is theater.

Michael Siever!

Well, I didn't know I was this good.

Well, what are you doing here just like that?

You're green. You found me.

Mike,

stop smiling.

Oh, sorry, Kate. I was just daydreaming about what could happen and what you'd

be wearing when it did.

We can take anything that comes our way.

Baby, rain or shine.

All the time.

We got each other. Sharing the laughter.

Sharing the laughter.

And she scores again. It's not even a contest.

All the energy in the world out here. And we get upstairs and zip up.

Pardon me. Nothing, sweetheart.

What was that score? I forgot.

The score? What's the point? The point is for us to get a little exercise,

it? Uh -huh. That's why you're losing.

I'm a 13 -month -young dude. He folds like a 10.

You cheat!

Look, I won the toss fair and square.

Remember what you and I used to flip coins over? Oh, do I?

You always called pets.

I still do.

Look, Kate, you're just being a sore loser.

Oh, yeah?

Fair's fair, Kate.

Fair's fair, Kate. Fair's fair, Kate.

Mike,

Mike, you don't even try to explain when they're in a mood like that.

See?

Not you, honey. I'm talking about young women.

No, I meant, you know, women without... Do you really want to finish this

sentence?

Yeah.

Okay, what's the deal, Mike? Okay, don't worry, guys. It was just a professional

disagreement. I mean, see, Kate and I are both directing scenes for drama

and we both want the same actors. Oh, Kate's jealous, huh?

No, Dad, I...

I told you, this is professional.

Don't you know anything about modern women?

Well... No, he doesn't.

What's so special about this actress? Well, see, she's done sitcoms, and she's

done real plays. Oh, and Dad, okay, you know that commercial with the girl and

the chimpanzee and they shave their legs?

Yes. Yes, she takes classes at Landon.

The chimp or the actress?

The actress.

See, I don't want to blow my shot in front of these important New York

people. I mean, when I come to work for them, I want them to remember me as the

guy who acts, who directs, who is theater.

You risk all this on the flip of a coin?

What risk?

I used a two -headed coin.

Mike, where did you get a two -headed coin?

I borrowed it from Dad.

Ah, you can keep it, Mike.

I won't be using it tonight.

I'm Mike Stever. Oh?

Hello, I'm... Courtney Preston, right? I know you're from the chimp commercial.

Oh, God, are they still running that awful thing? Yeah.

And when they stopped, I got it on tape.

I'm surprised you remembered me.

After all, Zippy got the close -up. Oh, that's only because they shaved him.

You're very kind.

Well, here, have a seat.

You know, I wanted to ask you something. See, I'm directing this little scene

for the big drama festival, and I was wondering, like, if you weren't doing a

movie or something, maybe you could be in it. Oh, Mike, I'd love...

Great, great. I'll meet you tomorrow. But I can't. Why?

I was asked to be in another scene really early this morning.

The director's name is Kate Mc... Mc... McDonald?

Kate McDonald?

I don't believe this. I won you fair and square in that coin toss.

Are you a Kennedy?

No.

Well, it doesn't matter.

I'm sorry, Mike. Good luck with your play anyway. Oh, thanks.

You're doing a scene from Night of the Iguana?

But what do I tell Kate?

Tell Kate she's a dirty, double -crossing, backstabber, and it doesn't

she's got great eyes, beautiful hair, and a killer body.

Good morning, everybody, and welcome to Night of the Iguana.

Okay, before we start, I just want to say a couple of things. First, thank you

all for coming, especially you, Courtney.

Oh, Mike, come on.

Everyone have a seat, and we'll read through the scene, okay?

With lights down, we can hear the surf.

It's a quiet evening in Mexico, but passions run deep.

Oh, she is so bad.

Man, is she bad.

She's done sitcoms?

Well, I bet none of the ones on ABC.

Mike. Mike.

That's the end of the scene. Do you want to run it against in the top?

Uh, no.

One more word and I'll shoot myself.

everyone's worked pretty hard for the first day, so I'll see everybody

Do you have any notes you want me to think about for tomorrow?

Yeah, don't come back.

No, no, no, I think it's gone pretty good. Because if you have concerns,

hesitate to speak up.

You stink like a dead mackerel.

Nope, I got nothing to say.

See you tomorrow.

Okay, bye -bye.

I wonder if that chimp is available.

Kate, listen.

I hope Mike explained to you how bad it felt about not doing your scene.

Don't give it a thought. I've been rehearsing in the room next door and

everything's going great.

That makes me feel better.

Good night, you guys.

Good night.

Kate, I have made a terrible mistake. You bet you have. You stole her from me

after I stole her from you. Fair and square, you weasel.

Kate, she stinks.

She what? She just spent eight hours playing Night of the Iguana. The Iguana

won.

You know, whoever comes to see this play is going to think that I am in the

wrong business.

Mike, Courtney is professional, for goodness sake. Well, I just hope

Williams doesn't come to this production.

Mike, he's dead.

And he's a lucky man.

It's the first day of rehearsal. Maybe she's just holding back.

Yeah, well, I hope she never lets it go.

So she stinks, huh?

Big time.

Mike, you can have all you want, Kate, but I've got to fire her. Mike. How

she be that bad and not know it? I don't know.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. That's a great idea. Okay.

I'll let her do the preview performance.

She'll get booed off the stage and she'll quit. And then I'll have a week

replace her before the big show.

Isn't that kind of gutless?

Yeah, you're right. I should just fire her.

Okay. Okay, I'll tell you what I'll do. Here.

I'll flip a coin.

All right?

Tails, I fire.

Heads, I'm gutless.

Ugh. Kate, you look. I'm too nervous.

Tails.

What?

No, it's heads.

Just like the other side.

Oh, yes.

Yes, she's stinking up the joint. She's history.

So real, I didn't quit.

She's related to all those people. It's the only explanation.

I suppose I should blame myself for trusting a guy with a two -headed coin.

What are you talking about?

Oh, Kate, she's terrible.

She played Night of the Iguana and the Iguana won.

What, you thought she was good?

Yes. This has got to be a dream.

Wait a minute, it can't be a dream. Look at all your clothes on.

What that girl did out there tonight is your idea of terrible.

You have no place anywhere near a stage.

Um, you had doubts?

Oh, Mike, you could act, you could direct, you could do it all.

Hey, that's my boy!

Wow. Hey, don't tell me you like Courtney, too.

My butt didn't go numb once.

Okay, come on, Dad, come on, you can tell me. Don't you think I had one major

problem out there?

I don't know. All I could see was, Courtney!

Excuse us, honey, we want to go congratulate her, too.

Maybe I have no business near a stage.

Mike, it was wonderful, brilliant.

Carol, why don't you just shoot me?

I mean it. I loved it, especially Courtney. Look, if you don't have

nasty to say, don't say anything at all.

What do you want me to say? I want you to say that she was terrible and that

these people are absolutely nuts to think she was good.

I don't get it. You finally do a play where I don't have to lie to you and you

don't want to hear it?

What do you mean, lie?

good and you stunk like a dead mackerel.

And I would feel guilty about telling you that if you weren't so on top of it

now.

She's wrong.

I am good.

I'm sure of that as I am that Courtney was... Best of luck, Mr. Seaver.

So, how's my favorite sister doing?

What do you want, Mike?

Nothing, nothing, Carol. Just came in to talk.

So, how's school been going lately?

I'm not in school this year, Mike. I haven't been going since June.

Oh, right, right, right. You got one of those... Jobs. Exactly.

You know, these brother -sister moments are really special to me. Now get out.

Look, Carol, I just wanted to ask you something about what you said to me

the play tonight. It got me thinking.

The Berlin Wall crumbles, Mike thinks.

Just hold the jokes long enough to tell me what you really think of me as an

actor. Oh, that's going to be tough if I can't use jokes.

Carolyn, it's just that, well, with you telling me that, you know, that you've

been lying to me all these years, it makes me think that maybe I'm... Not as

good as you thought?

Yeah. And maybe no good at all?

Yeah.

What do you know? Mr.

Blowhole is having doubts. This is great.

Look, Carol, will you just tell me, do I stink?

Uh, yes.

As an actor, as an actor, Carol.

Come on, I mean, I don't even know if I'm good anymore. I don't even know

good. I mean, how does anybody know?

You just know.

For instance, when it comes to intellect, well... So how do you know

well?

I got straight A's. Oh, come on, Carol. What the heck do those grades mean now?

Well... Oh, come on, Carol. They mean absolutely diddly in the real world. You

know that.

Well, I'm head of punctuation at a prominent publishing house.

Ooh, saving a lot of lives there, aren't you?

Well, don't forget about the stupid grades and the pointless job.

I mean, do you have any real proof that you're good?

No.

Okay, you're worthless. Let's get back to my problems.

you another piece of cake. Oh, Carol, come on. I am in pain here. Would you

forget about your useless life?

Oh.

Wait. Come on, Carol. Just help me. I can't help anybody. I'm useless.

Carol, don't eat in your room.

Don't worry. It'll be gone before I get there.

Mike, what's going on?

Oh, nothing. I just asked Carol, how do you know if you're good?

What's this about, Mike?

Well, okay.

See, it's just a scene. Everyone go ape chips over Courtney. Oh, she was

wonderful. Now that is what acting is all about.

See, that's what scares me. I mean, I thought she stunk. Apparently, I don't

have a clue as to what acting's all about.

Come on, guys. I mean, how do I know if I'm good?

Well, what you're wrestling with here is an essential question that everybody

asks.

Everybody wants to know if I'm good?

No, Mike, if they're good.

Well, Dad, how does a person know if they're good? I mean, Mom, okay, how do

know if you're a good journalist?

Well, Mike, I've been around, and I know how to put together a story, and my

resume is quite impressive.

Come on, Mom, you've always complained about how you worked at a dinky paper on

a bozo TV station.

You haven't won any awards.

Sure I have. I won the Working Mother of the Year Award.

And what did you call it?

The Monkey Award.

The Monkey Award they had to give to somebody.

Thanks, Mike.

Mike, come on. Awards aren't the only way that you know you're good.

It's what your mom does that counts.

Oh. Oh, so you're saying since you've been writing on your own, you've sold a

lot of articles?

One.

One? But I have had many encouraging no -thank -you letters.

Some of the finest publications in the country.

Don't want to work with me.

So you guys are guessing just like I am.

Mike, your mother is good at what she does.

Dad, I'm not asking if she's good at what she does. I'm asking how do you

Yeah, Jason.

How?

I'll tell you.

I can tell you.

It's, uh... Well, in journalism, for instance, you have to... You look...

like an onion.

It's an onion. And if you peel the layers of...

Journalism. Well, let me use psychiatry. They're my profession. I can illustrate

them.

In my case, if I have helped a patient, I feel terrific. If I help a patient and

they come to me and they say, I don't need to see you anymore, I'm fine.

Dad, people who are a little off tell you you're good and you believe them?

Mike. Dad, think.

I mean, what if these people who tell you that they're cured are just cutting

you loose so they can find a good psychiatrist?

I am a good psychiatrist.

Dad, Dad, come on. I mean, maybe the people who keep coming back, you're not

helping. And the ones who tell you they're cured are really trying to find

somebody who can.

Just because I lose two patients to Dr.

Harry the Hot Tub Strickland does not mean he'll upset you.

Okay, all right. Well, I can tell you this, Mike, that only somebody who can

himself that question has any chance of ever answering it.

Yeah.

I just wish there was a way for a person to tell if he's really good.

If you find it, let me know.

I don't belong here.

None of this hour you don't. Professor Thorne, what are you doing here?

I have tenure.

What's your excuse?

Yeah, I'm trespassing.

Can I ask you something?

What?

How do you know if you're good?

How do I know I'm good? How do you know you're good? Or how does one know one's

good?

Uh, the last thing you said.

Ah, one of life's essential questions.

You sound just like my dad.

Your father's British?

No, no, no, no.

Acting's weird, you know?

I mean, it's not like being a tightrope walker, where you know you're good if

you don't die.

You can die in the theater, believe me.

Come on, Professor, I'm being serious.

I mean, if you're an actor, how do you know that you even have the right to be

on the stage?

Are you telling me, Mr. Seaver, that you have doubts about your abilities?

You always struck me as being impervious to introspection.

As what?

As a confident dude.

Oh, well, I was.

Up till tonight.

Mr. Seaver, as I told you, your scene was the best of the evening.

It showed you had an excellent grasp on what good theater is.

Well, see, that's the problem, because I thought it stunk. You did?

Completely.

And here I am jealous of you.

Of what you've accomplished at your age.

Of what the future holds for you. And you thought the scene stunk.

Wait a minute. How could you be jealous of me? You're the teacher.

Yeah, but 30 years ago I was you.

Or at least I presumed I was.

A young, talented buck ready to lick the world.

I didn't.

I'm here.

So you're saying you don't like teaching drama?

No, no, no. Don't get me wrong. I love it.

And how many people can make a living by doing what they really love? But if I

had another chance, I'd... The point is, you have that

chance.

Yeah, but how do I know if I'm good?

Mike, the answer is not nearly so mystical as you imagine.

It's not? Listen to what people have to tell you.

But the trick is to be selective in the people you choose to listen to.

I mean...

It's whose people you respect.

People of taste.

You mean like critics?

I'm being serious, Mr. Sears.

Well, then how do I know who to listen to?

Years ago, I had a small part in a Joseph Papp production of Twelfth Night.

Afterwards, my dear sweet mother gushed all over me, told me I was wonderful.

And you believed it?

Certainly not.

Daffy old bat.

But... I digress.

Anyway, Mr. Papp himself spoke to me after a matinee. Now, he didn't have to

speak to me, but he chose to.

He said, young man, you have promise.

That, Mr. Thiever, I believed.

Professor Thorne.

Yes?

Am I any good at this?

Well, Mr. Seaver, I'll say this.

You have promise.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I do, don't I?

I believe I just said that.

Thanks.

Mr.

Seaver.

Do you think I'm any good as a teacher?

You're asking me?

Yes.

Well, I'll say this.

You have a problem.

Thank you, Mr. Siever.

No sweat.

All the world's a stage.

And all the men and women merely players.

They have their exits and their entrances.

And one man in his time plays many parts.

We'll be back in a moment.