Original subtitles

Is it A, gastropods, B, marsupials, or C, planaria?

Um, don't help me here.

I can't.

It's A, that thing with gas.

No, it's D, none of the above.

But you didn't even say that. I didn't think it was going to be that.

Ask me another question.

True or false, marsupials carry their young in pouches.

Oh, that's got to be false. I mean, where are these animals going to buy

pouches? And who's going to sell them to him?

It's true, Ben. It's true, you little rodent.

Carol, you're interrupting.

I can't help it.

Ignorance nauseates me.

If I haven't mentioned it before, let me mention it now.

You're a real disappointment to me.

Did you come in here just to bug me?

Yes.

Don't let it get you down. My whole family's disappointed me for hanging out

with you.

Ask me another question. What's the point? Just ask me, okay?

Ben, relax. This test only counts for half our grade.

Stinky, so far the other half of our grade's a D.

Right, so the worst we can get is a D -.

We're kidding ourselves.

There's no way we're going to pass this exam.

Speak for yourself. I haven't got a single question wrong.

Because you've got the book right in front of you.

Ben, Carol says you need my help.

I do not.

Look, Mom, the studying is coming along just fine. In fact, I was just

commenting to Stinky on how much fun learning is. Well, I hope so, Ben.

you bring home another D in science, you'll see a side of me you've never

before.

Does it have a pouch?

See, Mom, we know this stuff so well that we're already telling jokes in it.

Stinky just called you a gaseopod.

Marsupial! Marsupial!

Well, at least we know which animal has a blowhole, don't we, Carol?

I need an easy one.

Okay, was it just me or was Laura Lynn not wearing a bra today?

That's not going to be on the exam.

And she was wearing a bra.

Nope, you got that wrong, too.

Yo, guys.

Vito, don't tell me you're already done studying for tomorrow's exam.

Well, I thought about studying, but then I decided to just say no.

Then how are you going to pass the test?

Well, let's just say I got a relative in the ditto room.

You mean you got the answers to our test?

Shh! Ben, I'd expect Stinky to say something stupid like that.

You got the answers to our test?

Do you want to stand here and give this foolproof plan away, or do you want to

share the wealth?

But we could get caught. I can't risk that. My parents don't like me much as

is.

No, no, it's perfect. There's nothing to get caught with. You just memorize a

few letters and you get an A.

Wow. So, do you want to A, stay here and study and fail the test anyways, or B,

memorize a few letters and go hang out at the, uh, leotard shop?

Finally, a multiple choice question I can handle.

All right, yes!

Yeah!

See you at the test tomorrow, guys.

Mike, what are you doing? I'm playing some hoops with my friends.

Well, pass it here, I'll play. No, no, no, I don't think that'd be a good idea,

Benny. I've been watching girls try on leotards for three hours. I gotta

exercise.

Mom and Dad are inside waiting for you, and they are mad.

And me? Why?

Well, I didn't hear much, but it was something about you were supposed to be

studying, and then you skipped out.

Oh, well, what they don't know is I got this test covered from top to bottom,

and they don't have a clue.

Oh, you better go explain that to them, because they think the reason you took

off is because you found some foolproof way to cheat.

How do they know these things?

Well, Betty, I think it's...

I think it's time that you were told mom and dad are witches.

What? Come on, don't tell me you haven't suspected it.

Haven't you ever heard those strange noises coming from their room at night?

Sometimes their dad's not even there.

Yeah.

Snap out of it, Ben.

I'm just kidding.

The only reason they know you do this stuff is because you're a slimy little

kid. It shows, huh?

Benny, look, just because they know every move you're going to make, there's

reason not to go through with this foolproof plan of yours.

It isn't?

Of course it is. You're a walking dead man.

I know what I just said, but I like messing with your mind. One of the joys

have is your older brother.

Okay, all kidding aside, when you go inside that house, don't panic.

Be very cool and don't crack.

Right, right.

All right, you can do it, bro. Thanks a lot. And don't be thrown by the fact

that they know every thought in your head before you even think it.

Thanks for nothing, Mike.

For your information, I can handle Mom and Dad.

I will be completely cool.

Oh, interesting.

Oh, Deb, I just meant that... The only thing I want to hear from you, young

is what do you call the mammal that carries its young in a pouch?

Uh, lucky?

Marsupial! Marsupial!

Carol, you're really starting to tick me off.

Correct me if I'm wrong. You're losing your cool.

Dad, it never occurred to me to cheat.

How do you expect to pass the test if you don't cheat?

Well, I...

Huh? Yeah, your mom's right. You're under the gun here, Ben, and since

not studying, cheating's your only hope.

So it's okay to cheat? No, it is not okay to cheat.

Well, but you just said... I know what I said, Ben.

We're messing with your mind. It's one of the only joys we have as parents.

Ben, you've been letting science slide all semester, and today, the day before

the test, you waste three hours doing God knows what.

My guess is watching women in tight outfits.

She is a witch.

What'd you call your mother?

Nothing, nothing, nothing. I'm sorry.

All right, well, here's your multiple choice, Ben. A, you can either stand

keep talking about it, and get yourself in deeper, or B, you can go up to your

room and study till you drop, or C, you can pay me a million dollars.

If it goes for the million, I take you to dinner.

Okay. The main factor in the dinosaur's extinction was... A, the movement of

glaciers. B, the evolution of mammals.

C, the greenhouse effect.

Or D, no one knows.

Uh... B, the evolution of mammals.

Survey says... D, no one knows.

Well, then what are you asking me for, like I'm gonna know?

Ben, what are you doing sitting up studying? You got the answer sheet in

pocket. Doesn't that bed look mighty comfortable?

I can't cheat until they're on to me. You're not thinking. You don't have to

them all right. Just make sure you get a couple wrong.

How do I do that?

Just be yourself.

They're witches, Ben. They're witches.

Ben, you bring home another D in science, you'll see a side of me you

seen before.

Ben, if I haven't mentioned it before, let me mention it now.

appointment to me and the other marsupials.

Come on, Ben, cheat.

Yeah, Ben, cheat.

Of course it's not okay to cheat.

Hey, hold up.

They're witches, Ben.

What do we do?

Marsupial, marsupial.

And your little dog, too.

And one, and two, and three.

Who are you?

Well, I'm the girl from the leotard shop you thought would look good in your

room. I never said that out loud.

Then, you can A, wrestle with the ethical dilemma of cheating.

B, study the other 260 pages that you ignored this semester.

Or, C, watch me aerobicize.

Is that a D?

It will be if you don't wake up.

Not a woman.

Not for years.

You did, Ben?

Um, yeah. I guess I've just been cramming so hard I'm delirious.

You've been cramming so hard you're asleep.

I knew it was one of the two.

So, uh, can I help you with anything?

Dad, isn't science something you never even use in real life anyway?

Pretty tough question to ask a doctor, Ben.

Oh, right. Sorry, I keep forgetting what you do.

Well, let me see if I can help you a little bit. Maybe I can quiz you, okay?

Let's take a look here.

First question is... Is this a cheat sheet?

Uh, false.

Wrong. D, none of the above.

Come on, Ben. We went through all this downstairs.

I know we did, and I'm not gonna cheat. Well, then what do you still have this

for? Well, good question. Well, I hope you got a good answer.

Okay, Dad, I was originally gonna cheat, but...

Only because the other guys were.

Okay, one more time.

I don't care if everybody else at that school cheats, Ben. You don't. Because

cheaters don't win, and they always get exactly what they deserve.

Yes, sir. Now, come on. Let's go.

Forget that nonsense, Ben. Come on. You can do it. Study hard. Hit those books.

Let's get the best grade you can. I have faith in you.

are never gonna believe this. I dreamed that the girl from the leotard shop

showed up in my room and aerobicized for me.

You too?

You guys aren't gonna believe the dream I had.

Girl from the leotard shop aerobicizing in your room. No, Carol's in this

kangaroo suit hopping all over my bed.

Stinky, you are one sick little dude. Thanks.

Ben, you look like doggy do.

If I should, I was up till four studying.

Why would you study till four? You got the cheat sheet.

I'm not using it, okay?

Why?

Let's just say my parents are witches.

Attention, science students.

I have some bad news.

There was a disaster in the ditto room.

Your tests have been destroyed.

Just kidding.

I'm messing with your minds.

One of the few joys of being a teacher.

Okay, keep your eyes on your paper. Keep your arms and legs inside the car and

fasten your seatbelts.

It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Which of these four is not a marsupial?

A, kangaroo.

B, wombat.

C, opossum.

D, your sister?

Oh, I'm so confused.

Cheaters never win.

Eventually, they're going to get... an A.

Mom, Dad, I think the first thing that my report card will show you is that I

didn't cheat.

I can do better than that.

You know, I don't think my report card is that important in light of the recent

events in the Soviet Union.

Now, if I mention the Soviet Union, they're going to bring up my grade in

current events.

Okay. Now, the best thing to do is just not to mention my report card at all.

Just keep it under my hat until I see which way the wind blows.

Yeah, I think you can do that.

Yo, Benny!

Hey, Mike, what are you doing here?

Having lunch with my friends.

Are Mom and Dad around?

Ah, report card day.

Hey, Benny, I can smell the fear in the air. Smells like defeat.

Mike, what are you doing here? You moved out, and you spend more time here than

I do. Get a life.

Benny, Benny, come on, relax. I've been through this a lot more than you have.

Here, maybe I can help. Nobody can help you. Look, it's never as bad as it

seems.

You got enough money for a bus ticket out of town?

It's not that bad. I got an A in health.

Ooh, Benny, that's bad.

Why? Because it shows them that you can do it if you want to. That makes every

other grade look like a bitter failure.

Failures? What failures?

My lowest grade's a D.

Ooh, D is worse than an F.

How do you figure?

Well, all right, you got an F.

One line on the side makes it an A.

Not a heck of a lot you can do with a D.

Hi, guys.

Smells like report card day.

So, is it you, Mike, or Ben?

Or is it both of you?

Calm down, Carol. It's just me.

Oh, well... As long as you did the best you could, Mom and Dad won't get too

upset.

Carol, go pump your sunshine someplace else, okay?

I mean, the boy is twisting in the wind here.

So, how's everybody this fine... Report card day.

I'll get Mom.

Thank you, Carol.

Listen, Ben, I gotta run.

You're leaving?

Yeah, well, I don't want any of what's coming your way to land on me.

upset as long as you do your best, but a D is not your best, and you know it.

You're starting high school next year, and it's only gonna get tougher. I hope

this two -week grounding is gonna impress upon you the fact you cannot let

class slide all semester and then suddenly catch up in one night. That

TV, no hanging out after school with your friends. You are up in your room

studying.

Perhaps you overlooked my A in health.

That only proves that you can do it if you want to.

And if you can't pull up that D on your final report card, you're going to be

doing time in summer school.

Um, you know, I could have gotten an A.

By cheating, Ben? Is that what you're bringing up now?

Um, no. Come on, Ben. You know what happens to cheaters.

Yeah, yeah. They never win.

Exactly.

Um, is that rule they never win or they hardly ever win?

Ben, come on. Are you missing this whole point on purpose?

Forget cheating. We're talking about you working up to your potential.

Okay, Ben, we won't embarrass you in front of your little friend. Go tell

that your grounding starts right now and that he has to leave.

Damn, what's with that kid?

Who does he remind you of?

Mike.

Exactly.

Of course, he turned out all right.

No, he didn't.

Hi, guys. Look, I'm Pete. We just wanted to tell you more good news.

When our parents saw our report cards, they gave us money.

Come on, Ben. Let me buy you a freezy -weezy.

Look, I'm not going anywhere for two weeks. I'm grounded.

Well, you got nobody to blame but yourself.

You could ace that test like we did.

I know, Vito. I know.

Why the heck didn't you?

Because I was stupid enough to believe my father when he told me cheaters never

win. Oh, Ben, Ben, Ben, where you been?

Parents lie all the time. My folks tell me all kinds of crazy stuff that ain't

true. Mine, too. Every night when my mom goes to tuck me in, she tells me I'm

tall.

Look, I gotta go. Look on the bright side. At least you learned that when you

want the truth, you come to your friends, not your old man.

You said it.

Well,

I'm glad I'm not being graded on my performance the last 24 hours.

Oh, Jason, you were wonderful.

I'm not talking about last night.

Neither was I.

Got a minute?

A minute? I believe I got two weeks.

Well, I've got to apologize.

I've made a terrible mistake.

So you mean I'm not grounded?

Oh, Dad, I forgive you. See ya. No, no, hey, wait, wait, Ben.

Grounding him was the only thing I did right.

So it's going to be one of those talks?

Those talks?

Nothing. Go on.

Well, the advice I gave you last week about cheating, Ben, was wrong.

Sure was.

I'm not saying it was wrong. I mean, it was incomplete.

Oh, so it is going to be one of those talks.

Ben, don't pout like a kid. Come on, I'm trying to talk to you as an adult.

Look, when I told you that cheaters never win, Ben, I thought that was all

needed to know. But there is a lot more to it.

Because cheaters do win.

Not only do they win, they win cash.

Sometimes it's even bigger than that. Sometimes they win gold medals at the

Olympics. On a rare occasion, they even win the White House.

I'm not following this.

I mean, if you can cheat and get away with it, then what's wrong with it?

Ben, the way you see cheating really depends on how you understand the whole

world. I don't understand it at all. I got a D in science, remember?

Look, why are we on this earth, Ben? What's the point of our lives?

You know, I mean, we all have to make a choice. You either see things as order

or chaos.

And if you see the world as chaos, then there's no point in life at all.

You know, nothing matters. And we're all just a bunch of people running around.

We're bumping into each other, having fun, making noises till we die.

We're just taking up space, Ben, and I can't believe in that.

But look, if you see the world as having order, Ben, then there's a reason to

everything. There's a reason to get up in the morning. There's a reason to make

something of your life.

There's a reason for learning, Ben. It all fits together.

And if learning is important, then cheating is wrong.

Even when you get away with it? Well, what's getting away with it? Not getting

caught. Which means?

Getting an A. So what does the A mean?

Ten bucks.

So what does it mean you've learned?

Nothing. Well, then you've been cheating for nothing. Yes. What's the point in

it? Does there have to be a point? Yes, Ben, or there's two.

So you're saying there should be a point in what I'm doing all the time?

Yes. I don't think I like being talked to as an adult.

Well, sometimes none of us do.

Dad, has anybody really given this chaos thing a fair chance?

Mike came close.

Are you getting any of this?

Yeah, well, I'm starting to realize that cheaters really don't win, but I

couldn't explain it.

Well, then you're exactly where I was two weeks ago when I couldn't explain it

to you.

Wait a minute.

If the point of school is really learning stuff, then I gotta do homework

night? And I gotta study all the time?

And I gotta make sure... Wait, wait, wait. One step at a time, Ben. I don't

you exploding on me.

Look, what I want you to realize, Ben, is that it's time for you to make a

choice.

Order or chaos?

Well, I think we've just had our first adult conversation.

Yeah.

We did, didn't we?

You promised we don't have to have another one for a real long time.

Deal.

Dad, is there any chance that our adult conversation means I'm not grounded

anymore?

No chance at all.

Just checking.

If there's a point to everything, maybe that blonde in the leotard will be back.

I can teach her something about order.

Like following them.

it's worth a shot

we'll

be back in a moment