Original subtitles

Okay, Ben, we'll be back from the theater by 11, unless your father

an after -show supper.

We'll be back by 11.

Now, you know where Chrissy's diapers are, and I laid out her pajamas, and I

don't think it's a good idea for you to have any friends over.

Hey, Ben, Big Bad Mama's on cable tonight.

Stinky, I think you're going to have to go home now.

I'm not allowed to go home whenever my mom and dad rent videotapes.

Hello?

Mike, somebody's calling about your car ad.

He's not here. He's outside showing his car to a ripe one.

No, I'm not selling flash or chrome or any space -age ignition systems like the

cars you've been considering. I'm talking about reliable transportation

country that was a major participant in World War II.

Did I mention it floats?

Mike, a lot of things float.

I am insulted. Mike.

Forget it. Oh, come on, Carol.

Do me just this one favor. After all the good times we've had together.

Do I count this one?

Not yet. Come on, just try it, Carol. Look, around the block. Okay, great.

Shut up. I'll take it for a spin. Great. Have a spin.

By the way, you are sitting on something that did not require the slaughter of a

single living thing.

Why does it smell in here?

I'll tell you after the check clears.

Where's the key?

Uh, interesting, Carol. I have done away with the inconvenience of keys.

What? Yeah, you just trust the little red wire to the blue wire.

Uh -huh. I see my anti -theft system is on guard.

That's an odd time for a Broadway play to start.

Yeah, we'll have to clear all the dishes.

What dishes?

From the dinner.

Jason, what Broadway theater serves dinner before the show?

I thought we were going to a Broadway play. I didn't think we were going to a

Broadway theater.

So we're not going into New York?

Not if you want to make it to Paramus by showtime.

So instead of... going to Broadway. We're going to a dinner theater in New

Jersey and we're not even having dinner?

Honey, I don't know about you, but when I'm going to see Charles Nelson Reilly,

I don't care where he performs.

Hello?

Oh, yes, I think it's still for sale. I'll try and find him.

Mike!

What?

It's for you. It's about your car. Oh, thanks.

Uh, yeah, Debra, come on. If I look too anxious, then this guy's going to think

something's wrong with the car.

I thought there was.

See?

Uh, hello, sir. Sorry for the wait, but I was just out showing my V -dub to a

young publishing executive who's test -driving it now.

What young publishing executive?

Carol. Um, well, uh, the deal hasn't actually been finalized yet, and

don't even like the woman.

Well, you could wait till morning, but I think it would be better if you could

see it when it's dark.

I mean, now, before it's old.

Hello?

Hello?

Mike, why do you have to be so sleazy?

Dad, I'm still in the car. Come on, what am I supposed to do?

Tell them that the engine's shot, that tires are bald, and the brakes are bad?

Yes.

But then I'd only get what it's worth.

You know, there are... There are times in a father's life when he looks into

son's eyes and he knows he's done a good job.

This isn't one of them.

You mend me. I've never been pulled over by a policeman before.

I stopped you because of the poor salesman.

Oh, you don't want to buy this piece of junk. Would you mind turning the engine

off, please?

Could you do it? I hate to touch bare wires.

Is this car a piece of junk or what?

Can I see your operator's license and registration, please?

Why? You're operating an unsafe vehicle.

Oh, you didn't have to pull me over to tell me that.

operator's license and registration, please.

I bet Mike's registration's in the... Right. It's probably buried under all

these unsaved parking tickets. Pardon me?

There must be 40 or 50 in here.

I'm afraid you'll have to arrange other transportation.

Please step out of your vehicle.

It's not my vehicle. If I had a vehicle, I would be happy to exit it, and I

promise you my vehicle would not smell like a cheese factory.

Excuse me.

somebody on call waiting. No, Stinky, this is more important.

Hello, scene resident, Stinky speaking.

Oh, hi, Laura, it's Stinky.

Ben, it's Laura Lynn.

All right, all right, all right.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Laura.

Uh -huh.

Both your parents are gone?

Yeah, I think I could stop by sometime tonight.

I think it'll be late.

Uh -huh. All right, thanks. Bye.

What are you waiting for, Chrissy? Grab Sticky and let's go.

I think he's got that backwards.

Ben!

I'm not going to answer it.

Never for me.

feel the same.

Oh, Don, she melted my heart.

What the heck? What do you say we let her out?

You can do that.

Think about it.

If we could do that, would we be here with you?

I guess then you probably can't. What did you do to get in here anyway?

Nothing, absolutely nothing. What do they charge you with?

of New York.

Jail isn't for people like me. It's for people like... I'll just say it. You.

Okay, I'll make you a deal, Christy. You don't breathe a word of where we were

tonight, you get another suck box.

Okay.

Jason. I'll admit, I had my doubts about Charles. of Nelson Reilly doing

Othello. Hey.

My gosh, the man has range.

Hi, Chrissy.

Chrissy. Chrissy.

What are you doing out here all alone?

Ben, what's going on here?

Uh, I was just gonna give her this box.

Would you call me?

You explain it, Mom.

No, Ben, you explain why you and your baby sister are up past midnight and why

she's wearing this jacket.

Hey, she's going through this overcoat stage, but I've been here with her on

couch all evening.

Is that why there are phone messages?

Uh, well, you know what you've told me about not answering the phone when I'm

home alone.

Ben, we never told you anything like that.

Oh, right. That was President Bush.

So you've heard all these phone messages as they were coming in?

Sure.

You're telling me.

There's some kid going around this town pretending he's me with my girl.

Seaver!

Daryl Seaver! Yes.

Miss Seaver, on behalf of the state of New York, we're sorry.

A fine person like you doesn't deserve to be in jail.

Announcements make.

I'm kidding, twerp.

Your parents are here to bail your uptown butt out of here.

Of course I want you in court tomorrow, Sid. You're my lawyer.

Well, could you possibly move the racquetball thing?

Yeah, yeah. Our time to see the judge is 8 a .m. They tell us the charge is

resisting arrest.

No, no, it's not Mike. It's Carol.

Oh, Jason, Carol's been in this horrible place all evening.

Honey, it's all right. They said she's okay.

Oh, Jason, honey, I'm scared to even think of what went on here tonight with

poor baby. You know how fragile she is.

We're just going to have to try to put our frightened little girl back

Where the hell have you been?

I have been in jail for six hours.

A very large woman drooled on me.

But near, close by the drooling of the large one.

Can't wait to get that policeman in court.

Yes, well, speaking of court... All right, now, when do we meet with the

Tomorrow, right before we see the judge. But we need time to gather our

evidence, interview witnesses, take depositions. Wait, wait, wait.

It's going to be a lot simpler than that.

Really? Yes.

Feynman says as long as you plead guilty in the judge's chambers tomorrow,

there'll be no trial, no hearing, and nothing goes on your record.

But I'm not guilty.

Honey, that's not the important thing here. What's important is that you don't

get yourself in deeper than you already are.

What's more important than justice?

My car. Where the heck is it?

It pounded like I was for six hours.

Oh, that's horrible.

Well, it was for a while, Mike, but I'm okay now.

They got my cute little car.

Mike, your sister has been through a lot tonight. Can you please show a little

compassion? Oh, sorry about the jail thing.

Forget your car. This is bigger than your stinking car.

Why? Person has made you a bitter woman.

Mom, Dad, I want a full vindication, and I will not rest until my name is clear.

Good night. Wait, wait, wait. Carol, Carol, wait. This could drag on for

and months. You really want that to happen?

Well, you always told me not to lie, and I don't want to say I'm guilty when I'm

not. What if this thing goes to trial, and somehow they find you guilty of

resisting arrest?

You could go to prison.

I'm innocent.

Carol, sometimes they find innocent people guilty. You gotta remember what's

important here.

My car!

No! Your future.

Mom! Carol, listen.

I know more about this thing than you do, okay? And I'm telling you now,

gonna go down to the judge's chamber, you're gonna plead guilty, that's it,

period. And I thought I was out of jail.

And Mike, you, 7 .30 sharp tomorrow, we leave for the court, okay?

Me? What do you want me for?

The judge requested your presence.

Something about a glove compartment full of unpaid parking tickets?

Well, good thing you didn't check the trunk.

Honey, it's almost time. Where's our lawyer? Don't worry, Maggie. Sid has

let me down.

Hey, this isn't going to be so bad. I have a feeling this judge is going to be

pretty cool.

Why? It's Judge Herman.

I mean, how many of these dudes would want you to call them by their first

names?

Jason, I'm so sorry. Oh, Sid, it's all right. I'm glad you made it.

So this is Sid.

Sidney, actually.

Must be Maggie.

You know, I don't know why we haven't met before.

I do.

Forget what she looks like. Sidney is a qualified attorney.

Wow. So this is what a judge's chambers looks like.

You know, a lot of lawyers don't actually work in the courtroom.

She passed the bar, Maggie.

Why? Nobody offered to buy her a drinky?

You're Carol, right?

Mm -hmm. Don't worry, I'll take good care of you.

I might, and I can use a little care myself.

I may have to throw you to the wolves to thank your sister.

So this is why you didn't mind taking our lawyer out to lunch and didn't mean

paying.

Old judge's joke.

Your Honor, my client... Hold your water a sec, honey.

This is the case of the people versus the rude little college girl, right?

Well, I don't really start Columbia till next fall.

Harold, the judge doesn't want to hear about your college plans. Sure he does.

What are you majoring in?

Well, I'm not really sure yet. I was thinking of something in business, but

lately I... Your Honor, if we may, my client would like to enter her plea now.

Easy, Counselor.

You act like you're late for a racquetball game or something.

That's a nice dress.

Thanks.

It says here you're going to plead guilty to resisting and pay a fine.

Well... That's correct, sir. Honey?

That's correct.

Uh -huh. You swear? Hardly ever.

Your Honor, there is something I would like to say.

Call me Herman.

Just Herman?

Sure, why not? It's my first name.

Told you so.

Who the hell are you, sport?

I'm, you know, her brother.

Oh, the parking ticket kid.

I'll deal with you later.

Thank you, Your Holiness.

Look, Judge.

Herman. Herman.

I don't think I did anything wrong.

Carol. Are you a defendant?

No, sir. You want to be?

Carol,

how do you want to handle this thing?

Well, what are my choices?

Well, as Miss Kansas here has probably explained, you can plead guilty and pay

fine, or you can go to court and maybe pay a bigger fine or maybe get a jail

term. Well, could I plead guilty with an explanation?

What's the explanation?

That I'm not guilty.

Sorry, it doesn't work that way.

You see, I was just trying to explain... my situation to that policeman, but he

took it the wrong way when the door hit him in the groin and arrested me. Carol,

your mother has something to say.

No, she doesn't.

And I know all my parents and everybody else wants me to say I'm guilty, but how

can I when I know I'm not?

So you want the state of New York to spend thousands of dollars and hours of

work, none of which it can afford, so you can plead not guilty?

Sir, I do.

Well, that's how I find you.

Case dismissed.

What?

Oh, I think you probably did resist arrest, technically.

But I think the Republic will survive if I let it slide.

See, I got a problem with people who plead guilty when they're not.

Just because doing the right thing is too much of a hassle.

Now, I know our system of law around here isn't perfect.

But...

I like rewarding people who count its virtues instead of being afraid of its

flaws.

And by the way, if you're still looking for something to major in in the fall,

you might try bringing some of that chutzpah of yours into my line of work.

Good dental plan.

Thanks, Your Honor. Thank you very much.

Way to go, Carol.

Oh, I almost forgot about that parking ticket thing.

Mr. Seaver, it says here you had $400 worth of tickets in your glove

compartment. Ah, yes.

You're great.

This is a VW ragtop convertible, isn't it?

Well, yeah, but what does that have to do... It so happens that I've been

looking for one of those for my no -account grandkid.

I'll give you $400 for it.

$400? It's worth at least... We looked in the trunk, Mr. Seaver.

Sold. Happy motoring.

Good decision.

Now, if you folks will excuse me, I gotta get back into the courtroom and

some bad guys to the cooler.

But just the guilty ones.

Oh, but he was so proud of you.

He was really something.

I did all right.

Well, hey, all those weeks of watching L .A. Law really paid off.

I just couldn't. Hey, Carol, it's me who owes you an apology.

Thank God you had the good sense to disobey me.

Pardon me?

Carol, I think what your father means is that sometimes it's just best to ignore

him.

Thank you. All right, now I've got to get to the office. Come, I'll give you a

lift. Oh, on the way, can we stop at Columbia University?

Sure, why?

I want to pick up a catalog.

Well, don't we have other catalogs? Not the pre -law one. Law?

Carol, are you... Dad, I'm just thinking.

It didn't occur to me until last night that something like this could happen to

me. And if it can, it can happen to anybody.

Law school.

All right.

Carol becomes a lawyer, we won't need Sid anymore.

Honey, we don't need Sid anymore now.

We'll be back in a moment.

Dreaming kids for missing their curfews for at least another 16 years?

Oh, by then I'll look like one of the Golden Girls.

Maggie, don't even joke about that.