Original subtitles

Due to the continuing flu epidemic, the following teachers will be out today and

their class is canceled.

Oh, Kate, you read them. I'm too nervous.

Professor Paul's chem and bio labs?

I knew I should have taken chemistry.

Miss Grissom's English seminar?

Is our beloved Professor Thorne up there?

Yes. Oh, yes! All right, no drama!

Let's hope it's not just one of those 24 -hour gigs.

Mike, this is a person we're talking about, a human being.

He's not a human being. He's a teacher.

Oh, Mike, here's a good idea to keep you busy. Due to the flu epidemic,

substitute high school teachers needed this week throughout Long Island.

Go on.

Well, that's it. You can substitute teach.

You should be in bed young.

Mike, I'm serious.

Well, give me one good reason why I should teach.

Pay us $50 a day.

Ooh, that's one.

Substitutes will administer prepared lessons in subjects that include

mathematics, history, drama.

Drama? Oh, well, I could, uh...

Oh, but Kate, me?

Teach? I mean, come on, I'm the anti -teacher.

Well, it wouldn't be a bad idea down the road to have another skill to fall back

on. Kate, I want to be an actor. I don't need a skill.

Call the paramedics.

Think you can finally keep some food down?

Oh, what are you making?

Pea soup?

Oh, hi, Mom.

How you doing?

Maggie.

Well, Carol's got that bug that's going around, but the rest of us are fine. I

just wanted to tell you we're about to send you another videotape of Chrissy.

No, Mom.

It'll be shorter than the last one.

I thought you liked it.

videotape dad chrissy's talking now just listen now chrissy say hello to your

grandparents no

daddy

uh jason didn't train her to say that to you well you're darn tootin i'm gonna

find out who taught her to say that sure

Benjamin Seaver.

Relax, Mom. I got it all on tape.

Have you been using that word around, Chrissy?

Uh, well... Hey, everybody.

Dad, well, gosh darn it. Heck, anyway, how are ya?

Ben, what did you do?

Not me. It's her.

Chrissy learned a new word.

Oh, a new word!

Oh, Chrissy!

Yes, but, uh... Give me the camera. Give me the camera. She finally said that.

Did she just say... Yeah, she did.

Didn't she, Ben?

Dad, Mom has this crazy idea that I had something to do with this.

Uh -huh. Hey, I'm innocent, I swear.

No, I don't.

Well, somebody's taught her bad language, and whoever the hell...

My gosh darn it, how are you?

This is the best day of the whole semester. My entire year...

All my teachers were sick.

Whoa, Carol.

Hot date tonight?

Well, Mike, I took a phone message for you. Oh, good. Where is it?

I tore it up.

Why? Because I always do that.

But this one I'll tell you about. You're expected to report to Principal

DeWitt's office at Dewey High tomorrow morning.

What?

Well, why would they want you back at your old high school? Well, the only

that makes sense to me is that they rechecked your grades.

Why does everybody assume the worst here?

Because it's you we're talking about, Mike.

As a matter of fact, I am going there tomorrow to teach.

No, no, look, Daddy, with this flu thing going around, the school system needs

some substitute teachers.

And they didn't call me?

Well, they probably did, Carol, but your head was in the toilet at the time.

Mike, you really want to go back to Dewey and face the man who set off

the day you graduated?

I didn't know it was going to be Dewey when I signed up, Dad.

But, oh, man, Mr. DeWitt is going to go nuts when he sees me. I bet you I know

exactly what he's going to say.

Well, that's what he'll be thinking.

All right, people.

Does anyone here have any experience with English?

See, you all believe this.

Why couldn't I get the flu? And not just one of those 24 -hour deals.

We still need someone to cover Mr.

Hessman's very special ed classes.

Right, the thugs.

Do any of you know martial arts?

I know martial shorts.

Excuse me, I'm Mr. DeWitt. Coach Lovett said to report to you for detention.

Not now, Seaver. I'm busy with the substitute.

I'm back.

Seaver, what are you doing here?

Well, I came back to teach.

We're colleagues now.

Get away!

Get away!

Estelle, do something for a change.

Welcome back, Michael!

Not that.

What makes you think I would turn over a class to a thug like you? Mr. Seaver,

if someone is going to teach at this school, they have got to be qualified.

Oh, so this is a new policy, then?

Get out.

Okay, okay, fine. At least I showed up, so I get my money.

From my own pocket.

Hey, this is even easier than teaching.

Pardon me?

He said... I know what he said.

You think teaching is easy?

Well, yeah. You know, I mean, you just get up in front of a bunch of kids and

you, you know... Teach.

Right. And that's easy?

Well, not quite as easy as this. $5 .50, please.

Mr. DeWitt?

Come to think of it, Seaver, I could use somebody like you today.

Oh, so you want me to speak around?

Oh, yes.

Estelle, why don't we give our old friend Mr.

Thiever, uh, oh, Mr.

Hessman's very special students.

You want to send me a man alone and unarmed?

Uh -huh.

Well, what am I going to teach?

Russian. But I don't speak Russian.

Neither does anyone in the class. That's why they're taking it. Snap out of it.

Uh, the rest of you, uh... Uh, heck, I don't know. Teach each other. I don't

care.

So, uh, this Hessman guy must be new. I mean, what does he teach?

Criminals, mostly.

What's your bet?

Is this Mr.

Hessman's... Mike?

Scuzz? Mike! Hey!

How you doing, you old scuzzmeister? Well, six years of doing and still going

strong.

This year, I might make it. Yeah, graduation?

No, sophomore.

Hey, guys, this is Mike Seaver. We was in freshman English together.

Yeah, we sure was. Twice. Whoa, whoa.

This Mike Seaver?

Dewey class of 88?

Yeah, that's me.

I've heard stories about you, man. Hey, my big brother was in stall number one

the day you and Boner got all the toilets in the whole school to back up

once.

Well, maybe not all at once. Hey, you've been my role model, man. Hey, thanks.

Is it true they graduated you just to get rid of you?

Where'd you hear that?

You're a legend here, man.

Now he's our teacher.

All right!

I don't think I ever had a cool teacher before. Oh, you gotta tell us about the

time that you snuck the camera into the girls' locker room.

Which time?

Tell us about the time you killed Mr.

Booginsuit.

out of proportion. Oh, get out of here, Mike!

Hey, look, guys, there's plenty of time for fun stories, right? But first, we've

got to get this quiz out of the way. Huh?

Hey, look, guys, come on, this was not my idea.

All right, here, just pass these things out. Look, if you need help sharpening

your pencils, then, uh... Good one, guys.

Hey, where's the quizzes?

Mr. DeWitt? Hey.

Problems already, Mr. Seaver?

Uh, no.

No, not at all, sir. You got them to take the quiz?

Well, let's just say I lit a fire under them.

Good.

We'll play one round of poker, and then we're going to take the test.

Great. Hey, thanks. I appreciate this.

You deal.

Great game, Mikey.

Thanks. Man, I feel like I'm being punished for something.

You are.

You are.

You're being punished for all those years of hell you put me through.

You're being punished for all my former colleagues who've been driven out of

this noble profession.

Do you remember Mr. Wetzler, the best damn math teacher I ever had?

He's a game show host now.

Mr. DeWitt?

Oh, wait a second.

Mike, I'm making you feel bad.

Well, yeah.

Oh, and after none of those kids in there would listen to you.

Uh -huh, I mean, it's... And you were being honest with them. I was.

And they didn't have the decency to let you stand up there and get your easy

money teaching.

Yeah.

You little twerp.

I haven't been this satisfied since my honeymoon.

Well, come on. Give me a break, Mr. DeWitt. This is my first class.

Oh, what? You think it's going to get easier?

That was an 8 a .m. class.

The tough guys don't even get up till noon.

Well, I'm just winking at myself, all right? And I'm just barely breaking my

second wind.

You know what I mean.

You're not going to make it through the day. You'll crack, Seaver. You'll crack.

And I'm going to be here to stomp on the pieces.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Round two.

Go get them.

We want to get you a little something. It's not an apple, but we figured it's

something you could use.

Okay,

Chrissy, this is a dictionary.

And it's filled with words.

Wonderful words.

Clean words.

Mom, where's the mop?

Oh, I'm airing it out from the last time.

Well, it's the next time. Time again?

I'll get it.

Well, the beauty of this book, Chrissy, is that you can say any word in it and

you won't make Mommy mad.

Mom, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm teaching Chrissy the beauty of the English language.

Okay, Chrissy, pick any page here you want.

Chrissy?

What page?

Okay, that's good.

Now, point to any word here at all.

Very good. Now, that word is... How did that word get in the dictionary?

I didn't know that word until I was 21.

I didn't know I had one until last Saturday.

Chrissy, let's pick another word, okay?

Mom!

It's important to show that we're not upset or she'll keep using this word all

the time.

Chrissy, another word.

This is Mr. Hesterman's health class.

Where's everybody else?

Yes? The big kids are sick.

Well,

this shouldn't be so tough.

Well, hey, as long as we're here, why don't we go ahead and take this test,

right?

Hey, where are you going?

Me?

Yeah.

To have this removed.

Mr. Bogich.

Hey, look, look, you know I didn't kill you. You just moved in New Jersey to

sell insurance.

Did I?

Mr. DeWitt, is that you?

Ah, you got me, Steve. Hey,

look, have you been listening in on my classes?

And taping them for the drive home.

I'll tell you what, Mr. Stever. You give up now and come to my office. I'll give

you the 50 bucks and you can go home.

No.

Okay, 100.

No.

Mr. Stever. Don't play coy with me. I know you're considering it. And don't

that obscene gesture to me.

All right, guys, we're going to take this test and then... Oh, hi, ladies.

through this. Come on, you never let DeWitt beat you. You can't start today.

Yes, you can, Mr. Seaver.

Mr. DeWitt, what are you doing in my head? Mr. Seaver, I'm everywhere.

You're not in this class.

When I heard you was teaching it, I decided to audit it.

Yeah, me too. And then the word started spreading. This was the place to be in.

I liberated this from the A .V. room. I figured we could check out this

documentary.

Cowgirls in Spain?

Oh,

and the beer's on its way.

This is gonna be the best party of the year.

Hey, you're a very popular teacher, Mike.

I'm not a teacher, all right? You bet you ain't. And that's the beauty of this

deal. For once, we finally got someone behind the big desk who's like us.

Like you?

Pull the shades.

It's time to learn something, class.

Turn off the movie, all right? Hey, that's right.

You wait till Mike gets a good seat.

I am not like you.

Oh, that's okay. We got one of those films, too.

Showtime.

Whoever does not belong in this class, get out.

Mikey,

you're starting to sound like a teacher.

Look, I am a teacher.

At least for right now, okay?

So if you don't belong here, get out.

What's happening? Look at you, man.

I grew up.

Hey,

cut off the laughing, all right?

You, in the back of the road, don't you dare put those pencils up your nose,

buddy. I've had enough clowning around today.

How'd you know I was going to put them up my nose? Because I've seen it before.

In fact, I've done it, and I've done it better. Four pencils and a magic marker.

All right, let's see if we can get some work done.

And if you girls think you have answers written in places you don't think I'll

look, I've looked.

And drop the spitball, mister.

Don't tell me you were just stretching.

Yes, sir. All right, we've got a test to take today, and the next person who

says something not related to this test gets detention.

And that goes for all of you. Is that clear?

Good. Pass these back.

Not all of them. Keep one. Oh, yes, sir.

All right,

people. Not a word till I get back. And you, pencil nose, you're in charge.

Me? I can't be the teacher. I hate teachers.

Snap out of it.

Can we make this quick? I got these kids under control and I don't know how long

it's going to last.

Oh, okay. This can wait.

Seaver, what are you trying to pull? Don't act like you care what goes on in

that room.

Well, Mr. DeWitt's taking a quiz. I mean, isn't that what you wanted? I

you to feel bad about every teacher you mistreated in your academic career.

And I use that term and it's broadened. I wanted you to crack and cry like a

baby on a cold linoleum floor.

Like I do in my office every morning.

Isn't it carpeted? Well, yes, it is. Steve Earp! Eyes on your papers, people!

You were saying?

I was saying... Wait a minute. You expect me to fall for this act?

You're paying these people off, of course.

I'm not paying anyone off, right? Even if I did, it wouldn't have worked.

You know, I've tried being buddies with these people. I've tried being nice.

I've tried being cool.

But the only thing that ever got through to them was when I was an uncooled,

iron -fisted tyrant.

Yeah. Seaver, you just used a two -syllable word.

You know, that's why teachers can't be cool.

And that's why you're such a bozo.

That's right.

And, Mr. DeWitt, look, I got something to tell you. Teaching is a tough job.

You know, and I got another thing to say, is that those kids are going to

that test tomorrow if it kills me. Missy, you better have a real good

being out of your seat. And, Mr., get your ears away from this door. This

conversation has nothing to do with you.

Good golly, Miss Molly.

What? There's a theory among educators that we all talk about when we gather at

the teacher place.

The theory goes like this.

If we could take one of our goof -offs, the ones who suck our energy and give

nothing back, if we could take such a student and turn him so that he could

his powers for good instead of evil, he, oh he, would be the perfect

teacher.

The one.

The one we've all been waiting for.

You could be this man.

Me? Perfect teacher?

Chilling, isn't it?

I don't know about being perfect, but I sure smell like a teacher.

Ah, yes. The mixture of flop sweat and cheap clothing. I know it well.

Hey, look, Mr. DeWitt, I am really sorry for all the grief I ever gave you.

Well, Mike, if you're the one, none of that matters.

Well, you know, I mean, all the stuff that I said behind your back and, like,

the time that I put the P .A. mic in your private bathroom. Oh, my God.

That was you?

Mr. DeWitt.

I gotta go check on my class, all right? And thank you for all the nice things

you said about me.

Maybe I am imagining all this.

Maybe I'm hallucinating.

I know.

I have the flu.

I do.

I have the flu.

I'm out of here.

Wait a minute. Slow down.

You've had quite a day now. Just take it easy.

You've learned something today nobody ever thought you would.

Especially your parents.

The question is, what are you going to do with all this newfound knowledge?

Listen to me.

Now, you are not to use that word in this house again, but we have a deal.

We'll be back in a moment.

What am I supposed to do? Tell them that the engine's shot, that tires are bald,

and the brakes are bad?

Yes. You're operating an unsafe vehicle.

Well, you didn't have to pull me over to tell me that.

Your operator's license and registration, please.

I bet Mike's registration's in... Wait. He's probably buried under all these

unpaid parking tickets. Pardon me?

There must be 20 or 50 in here.

criminals, thieves, degenerates, lowlifes.