Original subtitles

Great, Stinky.

I'll meet you at the mall in 20 minutes. I'll be in women's underwear.

No, I didn't get permission yet, but don't worry. It's no sweat.

Betty, excuse me, women's underwear?

Hey!

What's that for? I'm not going to be wearing it. I'm just going to be in the

women's underwear department.

Oh, and that makes it okay?

Hey! Come on, Mike. Me and Stinky are just going down to the mall to get our

ears pierced in ladies' jewelry.

A lot of guys get their ears pierced now.

I know. I just like smacking you around.

Cut it out.

I gotta stay cool for when I ask Mom for permission.

Mom?

Benny, look, you've got a better shot at getting permission to wear women's

underwear.

You think so?

Oh, Benny, the woman has no sense of humor. I mean, if you even ask her,

probably wash something out with soap. Your mouth, if you're lucky.

No, no, no. See, Mike, you don't get it.

I didn't want to have to tell you this, but... Well, I am the woman's favorite

child. She told me so.

Oh, come on, Benny. She tells every one of us that, and we're supposed to keep

it some big secret.

Oh, no.

Look, take my advice. Ask Dad to get your ear pierced.

And he'll say yes?

Oh, not a shot. He'll say, Son, is this really what you want?

I think not.

Then how is that better?

Because for a long time, you guys can discuss it.

And as you discuss it, you can bring up a couple of other things that you want,

like a leather jacket or some boots with metal toes on them, and then Dad will

feel so bad about saying no to the earrings that he'll cave on that.

You've actually tried this?

Um,

thanks for the advice, Mike, but I think I'll work my magic with Mom.

Benny, I'm telling you... Hello, Mother.

Hi, Benny.

Mike. Uh, me and Stinky are going down to the mall.

Oh, fine.

Be back by dinner.

Fine. Oh, there it is.

I'm gonna get my ear pierced if that's okay.

Fine.

Well, Mike, I guess we know she was lying to one of us when she said he was

favorite child.

Get your ear pierced.

Uh, yeah.

Right, Benny.

In your dream.

Don't waste another.

Dad, I am not going to have a child of mine defiguring his face for fashion.

That's what I told him.

Mike, what do you have to do with this? Oh, I'm just here to help, Mom. I mean,

if you need the kids smacked around a little bit, I'm happy to serve.

Hi, everybody.

Dad, will you tell Mom it's just a small hole that can grow shut?

Home.

Plus, all the other guys are getting them. And I suppose if all the other

were wearing women's underwear, you would, too?

Welcome home, Pop.

What's all this? Elizabeth.

The lad wants to get his low blanced. His what?

My ear pierced. I mean, if I don't have an earring, all the guys are going to

think I'm a sissy.

And don't say I'd be disfiguring my face.

Oh, come on, Ben. When I say something ridiculous like that... Uh, Jason.

One second.

One second, honey. Ben, we ought to discuss this.

Perfect. Let's talk man -to -man in the kitchen.

Jason. Don't worry, honey. Don't worry. I'll nip this in the bud. I bet you

should jump in and take over like that. I mean, I was doing just fine.

Honey, I'm sorry. I was just... Well, I know what you were doing, and for the

last five years, it was your job to do it. But I am home now to deal with the

kids' everyday problems, and you're out there working, so let me deal with the

kids' everyday problems.

Okay. Okay. Sorry, I didn't know you felt this strongly about it. Well, I do.

Fine, fine. I'm backing off. Good.

Thanks.

Dad? Mike, I don't know what you're going to say. No, but Dad, I... Save it.

Save it. It's not what it looks like, okay? I'm not whipped.

with your mother's position here. She wants me to step aside so she can do the

parenting in this case, and that's very important for her own self -worth.

I was just going to ask you about some money.

I thought you wanted to talk about... What do

you say?

Nah, nah.

Where do you get these ideas?

From now on... I'm going to have to keep a much closer eye on your friends, your

TV viewing habits, your record albums, and maybe I'll even monitor a phone call

or two.

Ben, you've had far too much freedom, and it's coming to a halt.

Dad coming in soon?

No, Ben, I am handling this, not your father.

Yes, ma 'am.

Gee, and I was just telling Stinky how you're so understanding, and you're so

much better than Dad is.

Don't try to con me.

Really?

No, no, Ben. Getting the earring is just not something I'm going to allow you to

do. But you have your ears pierced, right? Yes, I do. And so does Terrell,

right? Yes, but that's nothing. So there's no sexism.

Sexism? Yeah, it means making a decision. I know what it means, Ben.

Nice try, but uh -uh.

Well, can I at least go down to the mall and tell Stinky I'm not allowed?

Stinky's already there?

Yeah, he's waiting for me in women's underwear.

Fine. I'm go -telling.

But he'll be the first friend you won't be hanging around with anymore.

Right.

Women's underwear.

I guess I should be glad he only wanted an earring.

So, how'd it go?

Fine. It went just fine. Oh, good, good.

And you know exactly how it went because you were eavesdropping on the stairs.

Eavesdropping? Oh, Maggie, come on.

I might have accidentally overheard a sentence or two, but I wouldn't say it

eavesdropping. Right.

So, go ahead.

Go ahead, what?

Tell me how you would have handled it differently and far more effectively.

Well, since you asked, actually, I would have handled it exactly

the same as you did.

Really? Absolutely.

You know, pretty much.

Pretty much.

I might have just taken a slightly

different approach.

Like what?

Well, I think... No, Jason, I don't even want to hear it. Jason, I am fully

capable of dealing with things like this, as I did for years before I went

to work, and as I just did again.

Fine.

Being sensitive to your needs here, Maggie, I recognize that you want to get

back into that day -to -day parenting mode without me over your shoulder

-guessing you all the time.

Even though, you know, not all the things you do are quite right.

I see. I don't mean that they're wrong either, Maggie. Oh, God.

Boy,

something smells good around here.

I can't imagine why.

I haven't started dinner yet. No, that's my point. Imagine how good it's going

to smell when you do.

So Stinky's not there either.

Uh -huh. Well, when Ben shows up, please send him home. He was due back an hour

ago. Yes. Thank you, Mrs. Sullivan.

Don't say it.

What?

I wasn't going to say a word about the fact that it's the first time I can

remember Ben being late for a meal.

Oh, Mom, I am starved. When's dinner?

After Ben gets home and I check his ears for holes, which I better not find or

he will rue the day he was born.

Well, can I get something to go?

Oh, wait.

Hey, Ted, why are you smiling?

No, no, not smiling.

Yes, I'm smiling, but it's just the love that I have for all of you bubbling up.

Hi. Sorry I'm late for dinner. You're not. Mom and Dad are fighting.

We are?

See?

Carol said, we'll eat it as soon as Ben gets back. Back from where? From not

getting an earring. An earring? Well, Dad, I assume you nipped that in the

No, he didn't. I did.

Not your father.

Me. The woman who bore you after 18 hours of labor.

Sorry, I just assumed that Dad jumped in and took over like he always does.

I certainly did not. Yeah, Dad is just backing off so Mom doesn't feel like a

failure.

I didn't say it. You did.

What? Maggie, who are you going to believe, your husband or this no

son? Go on, Mike.

Well, all right. I just... Ow!

All I know is Dad is not whipped.

Well, it's about time Dad backed off and let you handle some everyday kid

problems. And this from our smartest child.

Well, if Dad had... backed off when Mike was Ben's age, maybe you wouldn't have

grown into the disgusting scuzzball he is today.

I was 14 years old. It was Mom who was at home with me. So if anyone's

responsible for me being a scuzzball, it's this woman.

Mom,

maybe you should let Dad handle this.

This is from our smartest child.

Why don't we just ask our most lovable child what they think of this whole

earring deal? I already told them.

I'm talking about me, Carol, and I just happen to agree with Mom to crush Ben

like the little bug that he is.

Thank you, Mike.

Yeah, especially after what happened when Carol got her ears pierced.

What? Well, come on. Don't you remember, Carol, when they made that little hole,

the smell that came out cleared the whole department?

Everybody's turning white.

Okay, Ben, inspection time.

Ears, please.

Just a joke.

No holes.

Good.

Mom, I told you I wouldn't get an earring, so I didn't. Well, good boy. Go

up for dinner.

Instead, I got a tattoo.

A tattoo.

A tattoo. You got a tattoo?

But it says mother.

your life you'll be walking around with my name on your arm well we could like

add an s and it's a smother oh don't tempt me ben how could you do this to

body do you realize that when i was pregnant with you i walked around for

months and didn't have a single cup of coffee so that your body'd be perfect

look at you i could have gone to columbia and sucked beans

You never said I couldn't get a tattoo. Okay, fine, fine. Then let's go over all

the other possibilities.

You may not stick knives up your nose, you may not gargle with razor blades,

you may not drink water directly out of the toilet.

So, Mom, are you saying that this tattoo is a lot worse than a little hole in my

ear? No.

I'm saying that it means no more short -sleeved shirts ever.

Up there and straighten this thing out.

fair to your mother. Ben, I am starting to get angry.

Don't you think she's a little nuts over some tattoo that just washes off?

Yeah.

You think maybe she doesn't even know that it's a fake? Hey, Mike, it's not my

place to second guess what your mother does or does not know about these

matters. Oh, come on. Somebody's got to tell her that Ben's just trying to freak

her out with this tattoo so an earring would be a relief.

Hey, hey, wait, wait. Don't you go anywhere.

Dad, if this keeps up, she's going to throw him out the window.

He's young. He'll bounce.

Your mother's got to figure this out on her own. She needs the validation.

Yeah, but... Oh, I get it. You're just getting even.

Yeah. No, no. You know, I mean, Mom wanted to handle this, so you're just

to let her blow it. And then you're going to jump in with the right answer.

know, sometimes I forget what a crafty dude you are.

I am not.

Okay, I was tempted to handle Ben, and if I would have done it, it would have

turned out a lot different.

Yeah? Like how?

Well, like, I would have told Ben. I would have said, fine, you want to get

ear pierced? Get your ear pierced. That's okay with me.

What? Yeah, but in, like, two months.

That way, eight weeks go by, and Ben forgets about getting his ear pierced,

then he moves on to some other goofy thing he wants to do.

Well, what if he doesn't forget?

Well, you give him a choice.

You say, all right, you can either get your ears pierced or take driver's ed.

Boy, you're good.

Hey, wait a minute. You made me choose driver's ed over spring break at Fort

Lauderdale with Eddie and Boner. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on, Mom. Let me show you something about my tattoo.

What? You can make it dance?

And I guarantee that if I were handling this thing right now, he wouldn't be up

there running those mind games on your mother over this phony tattoo.

But she told me to butt out, and butt out I will. So she comes to me begging

help.

You're not just getting even.

Haven't you heard a word I've said?

And you'll stay in this room, young man, until I tell you to come out. Remember,

something you should know about my tattoo.

Roseanne Barr has one. You mentioned it.

Mom, I just want... Carol, please, I don't need any more advice right now.

Please. But, Mom, I see your strategy here, and I just want to tell you, woman

to woman, I think it's brilliant.

Pardon me? You're going to have the last laugh on Dad.

What are you talking about? He's down there with Mike just waiting for you to

blow it.

He is? He actually thinks that you're foolish enough to believe Ben's tattoo

real.

He does?

Now I see what Ben gets with gullibility.

Yeah, well, I... So, what's next?

Well, I, uh... Of course you let the weasel stew in his own juices until he

admits it. What he was trying to pull... Carol, there's never an excuse for

calling your father a weasel.

I meant Ben.

Oh, uh... Well, right. I can see, Carol, that you're on to my plan.

Men. Who needs them?

Ben. Mom, there's something I want to tell you. Let me guess.

That that tattoo washes off.

You knew that?

Of course I did.

Wow. Didn't you expect me to be that smart?

No.

It's not like I'm dealing with Dad here.

Not that you're that dumb.

Mom,

the devil has taken control of my mouth and is making me say things I'll regret.

Admit it, Finn. You probably figured I'd be so glad you didn't get a real tattoo

that I'd give in on the earring.

Yeah, that was my pathetic, pointless hope.

Did it work?

So, quite an evening.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah, I had earrings and tattoos and yelling.

Boy, oh, boy.

Mm -hmm.

Yeah. So, uh, I guess everything went pretty well with you and Ben, huh?

Mm -hmm. Yeah.

Well, I'm sure you did just great.

Are you?

Of course I am.

And that's why you're doing this? Doing what?

Pumping me.

I'm not pumping you.

Jason, I happen to know when I'm being pumped.

Well, maybe I'm a little bit curious about exactly what happened between you

Ben. Why?

You think maybe I didn't handle it well? Yes. What? No, yes. I mean, you handled

it. I know you handled it well.

That, I'm just wondering. You know, I'm exactly, you know.

Oh.

Jason, is it too much to expect you to trust me to handle a little thing like

this? Well, is it too much for me to ask you exactly what was that?

No, no, no. It's just the reason why you're asking.

I mean, you were dying to jump in to tell me what to do, and now you're dying

know what I did so you can see that I didn't blow it. Oh, honey, come on. No,

that's not true.

You know, just at all those years that you worked, well, this was my job.

And I kind of miss it.

Oh.

And I have every confidence that you just dealt with it great.

Good.

Good night.

I bet I can even tell you what you did.

Oh?

Yep.

I'll bet you punished Ben for that whole tattoo scam, and then you hung tough on

your decision for no earring, right?

Possibly.

Possibly. Oh, Jason, if I tell you what I did, do you promise not to criticize

me? Promise not to second guess? Word of honor.

Okay. I didn't punish Ben for his fake tattoo thing. Oh, maybe you promised.

And I told him if it was really important to him, that he could have his

earring.

No, come on, Maggie.

Jason. I was going like this. That's all.

Oh, hey, Dad. Dad, what did Ben get?

Mike, this doesn't concern you.

Oh, come on, Dad. I mean, what did Mom give him? One month? Two months? No

allowance? Well, let's just say that the size of the punishment was unexpected.

Oh, he got no punishment at all.

You got it.

Oh, and don't tell me he's going to get his stinking earring. That's what I

hear. And you said I could have seen it. I can.

Look, Dad.

You want me to put in a word to Mom for you?

Mike, this was your mother's call. She made it. That settles it.

Well, it sure gives me second thoughts about ever getting married. Good. Go

that.

Morning.

Good morning, Mom.

Oh, and don't worry. We weren't talking about how you muffed the bend deal.

Oh, uh, is that my phone ring?

I don't hear anything.

Well, why take a chance?

Ah, feel like some eggs?

Sure, yeah.

And go ahead and cook them any way you want to. I won't second guess you.

Are you still upset about last night?

Oh, nook, nook, nook, nook, nook.

Who am I to interfere with the boy's father?

Honey, have I been unfair about this?

Well, yes.

Oh, Chrissy.

You need a change.

Oh, yes.

And when you come back, we are going to talk about this because I have had it up

to here with this validation self -worth class.

I bet.

Ben, this earring decision is far from final.

Really? Yes, your mother and I will discuss it, and I guarantee you the

will be far different.

Then I'm not grounded?

Oh, this is great. I've got to call Stinky and tell him I don't have to wait

months to get my ear pierced. What?

He told Ben he'd get his ear pierced now?

Oh, I don't know what I told him, Meg. Wait a minute, isn't that what you told

him? No, I told him he had to wait two months and then see if he really wanted

it. Well, you didn't mention that last night.

Well, with all the clapping, it must have slipped my mind.

Did I hear the little rat face right? Dad put his two cents in and messed

everything up?

Carol, basically, yes.

Carol, go tell Ben that my original punishment stands.

Gladly. And if he resists, I'll slop him around.

You were playing with me.

God help me, I was.

Why? Oh, Jason, it's important that you trust me. I mean, totally trust me to

deal with the kids now that you're gone during the day. Honey, I trust you.

Sure, now.

It was still a dirty trick.

Thank you.

Honey, believe me, I know what you're going through.

You're here with them all day, every day for all those years, and then suddenly

you're out there in the world working, and you're not here to deal with every

problem. Then I know what you're going through.

Three o 'clock in the afternoon and all hell breaks loose and yours is the only

voice of reason. And you're not even sure about that.

We do understand each other.

We always have.

You know, I could point out that the way you ended up handling Ben was exactly

the way I would have done it.

You could, but you won't, right?

Right.

I could point out that two parents parenting as parents is what parenting

about, Maggie.

I could point out that with my training and experience with child rearing, it's

a very valuable tool in guiding our kids on the path of life.

I could point out all of that, Maggie, but I won't.

And that's why I won't.

We'll be back in a moment.

I'm really happy with the way things are right now.

So you're saying you kind of like being my girlfriend?

I love being your girlfriend.

Hey. Bonjour, my name is Julie, and I'll be your waitress this evening.

Uh, Julie?

Mike, let's just pretend this whole night never happened.

Okay.

What night?

Good night, Kate. I'll call you later.

You still love her?