Original subtitles

Glug, glug, glug. Oh, this is great. I gotta get an A.

No, you won't.

Are you kidding? I got this baby rigged to blow at the push of a button. I mean,

lava's gonna shoot everywhere.

Over roads, Romans, gladiators, naked virgins.

But you won't get an A. Why?

Because people like you don't get A's. They just mark their time in school so

they can take their rightful place in society as toll collectors.

Put your face over my volcano and say that.

Ben, I need that table cleared off. I'm coming back with lots of groceries for

your father's party. But it's not till tomorrow. And I haven't even had my

test firing yet. Get that mountain thingy out of my kitchen now.

It's not a mountain thingy. It's a... A C -plus top.

Jason, we never got an RSVP from the Blankenship.

Yes, we did.

Rich told me at the office.

Well, you didn't tell me.

The blanket chips are coming to the reception tomorrow.

Okay, then that makes 54 people.

And the Johnsons, too.

How many others have you forgotten to tell me about? None, Maggie.

Well, the Snyders. Oh, geez, how can I plan for this thing if you keep changing

the number of people who are coming? Honey, relax. It's 58, and we ordered

for 60.

I wonder if it's too late to call the caterer and cut back the order.

Just a thought.

Jason, I just want everything to be perfect. I mean, we don't know these

and they're important, they're rich.

They're people you read about in paper. And they're no different than we are.

They sure are. They're willing to blow 500 bucks a pop just to hang out at our

place. They're not blowing $500, Mike. They're donating it.

And it's for the free mental health clinic, a very worthy cause. Thank you.

Hey, if they're dropping 500 bucks a head, they should just skip this party

check into the clinic.

I'll get it.

How can we ever start cleaning a day early for a family party?

Well, they don't have to like us.

They're related to us.

Out of my way, it's heavy.

Excuse me?

Who are you?

No time to talk. I'm running late.

Oh, this is our caterer, Norma.

Charmed, I'm sure. Look, where do you want your seafood medley?

Want it on ice? Norma, the party's tomorrow.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

It's my party.

My work order says today.

Yeah, well, my wallet don't start talking until tomorrow, Norma.

Fine.

I'll let it rot in my refrigerator.

Maggie, where'd you get this caterer? Well, Jason, they came highly

Yeah, I don't have much confidence in the food if they can't even remember the

date. Well, honey, it was a simple mistake, really. Relax.

Well, anybody who can't work with a calendar shouldn't be working with

toothpicks.

I just talked to Donald Trump.

Who's he?

I hope you get a toll booth next to Ben.

Well, he called from his helicopter. He said he was running a little bit late,

but he'd be here at reception within an hour.

Donald Trump!

Hey, this isn't going to be a free clinic. It's going to be a free medical

center. Oh, now, Mike, aren't you glad we're shampooing the rugs and washing

windows and doing the floors?

I'm tingling.

Oh, well, who the heck is this guy? Oh, come on, Mike. He's one of the richest

men in the world, for crying out loud. He owns everything in Manhattan the

Japanese didn't buy.

And he's going to be at our house in one hour. Whoa!

Oh, the party's tomorrow, Carol.

Wait, but Don said it was today.

Oh, why didn't you just straighten him out?

Well, he sounded so comfortable. Confident?

Jason, are you absolutely sure this party's tomorrow?

I'm thinking you're doubting your husband just because of something some

powerful, multi -trillion billionaire said?

How can I put this?

Yes.

I'm insulted.

You ever screwed up big time, huh, Dad? No, I didn't screw up. Mike, come on.

The party's on the 13th like we've been saying for weeks.

Dad, today's the 13th.

It is, Jason. It is not. No, today's Saturday. Tomorrow's Sunday.

The 13th. It's always been on the 13th.

Hello.

Sunday, the 13th.

Jason, this calendar's from 1985.

Honey, you can't reuse these things.

The party's today.

Maybe this Trump dude will help us buff our floors. Thank you.

23. We've got 22 minutes for a party.

You aren't even going to apologize, are you? For what, Maggie?

You don't know?

You really don't know?

Maggie, we've got 58 people coming here in 21 minutes.

And they'll find a house unprepared for a party, and who are they going to

blame? The respected, responsible husband? Or the long -suffering wife?

What about the idiot daughter?

No. The wife. They always blame the wife. I guess that my humiliation means

nothing to you.

Oh, it'll mean plenty right after the party, Maggie.

Oh, you have no idea.

I'll get it. It might be Donnie again.

Well, tell him to hover.

We've got a lot to do here, a lot that we've got to go. I'll make a list of the

chores. At least you had 20 good years with the man, Mom.

It wasn't Donald Trump. It was only the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank.

Okay, kids, we have to pitch in here.

I'll call the caterers and see if I can get them back. Carol, you take the

kitchen and the bathroom. Clean things or hide things, whatever's quicker.

Hiding's quicker.

Mike, you get the folding chairs out of the garage and get this room back

together. Now let's go.

I made a list of all the chores alphabetically. If we all pull

She left me and took the kids.

So, Mom, you want to see a practice eruption?

No, Ben. I told you to take your mountain out of here.

It's not a mountain. It's Vesuvius, one of the biggest disasters in history.

We'll see about that after this party.

Mom, go sit in that chair. It's got lava all over it.

Ben, we're in a crisis mode here. Do me a favor. For the next 20 minutes, take

your volcano out of the house and keep Chrissy with you.

But she keeps nibbling on my gladiators.

Go!

Come on, Chrissy.

Come on.

Yes, we're the Seavers, and we ordered the appetizers for today, and we sent

Norm away because we told her, I mean, my husband told her that it was the

day, but it was really the right day, and if I don't get those hors d 'oeuvres

back in the next 20 minutes, I'm going to kill him.

Okay, what language do you say, Aubrey?

Carol? Yeah?

How do you say hors d 'oeuvres in Spanish?

Believe it or not, I actually know that. It's funny, because it's rather

obscure. What the hell is it?

Botana.

Botana.

Pronto. Today, not tomorrow.

15 Robin Hood Lane.

Please tell me you understand.

Please.

Hello?

Hello?

Honey, I can't do this all by myself.

I just had a conversation in Spanish.

You don't speak Spanish.

Oh, a little, but not enough to fully convey to the caterer that my husband

a blockhead when he sent the food away.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry about... That whole date thing. Oh, big man.

Come on, we've got plenty of food.

No, we don't. I didn't get a chance to go shopping yet. Hey, how about these

dumb microwavable meatballs, huh? The ones that even Ben won't eat? Come on,

we've got veggies, sweetheart.

You can make one of those stupid dips.

Stupid dips? To taste you.

Jason, we have 60 rich people and Donald Trump on their way to a filthy house,

and now we're going to starve them?

Starve? Honey, with happy, tasty meat treats?

Can't even spoil.

I won't serve them.

Well, I will.

And a semi -eaten breakfast sausage. We'll file it down. Nobody will know the

difference.

Oh, great, Jason. We'll just serve them these and refuse to call the ambulance

until they've written their checks. Honey, we've got 17 minutes. What do you

want to do?

Leave.

Put a little perspective on this. Yes, okay, we've got 16 minutes. And yes, we

have no food. Yes, the house is in a shambles. But honey, we can make this

Yes, come on. I mean, if this happened on Perfect Strangers, would Balky lose

it?

Don't be ridiculous.

I hate that show.

You love Lucy. Lucy. I remember Lucy and Ethel, they were in the candy factory

and they had that little conveyor belt and the thing was going along like this

and they were... All right!

Thank you.

Did your mother pay you to do that?

Well... Think she would?

Ben, you're supposed to be watching Chrissy.

And you're supposed to be feminine.

Carol, that's gross.

I was cleaning your bathroom, Ben.

Oh, okay.

So, Chrissy, you want to see some Romans bite it?

And this is what's going to happen to you if you give me any trouble.

Well, just keep watching and don't try this at home.

Oh, I know what I have to do. I have to hold the button no longer.

I got no

luck at all today.

Ben, what are you doing out here with that mountain?

Well, you told me to bring it out here. Well, you can't be in the driveway with

it when Donald Trump climbs out of his helicopter. or what's he going to think?

Who's Donald Trump?

The man who got the date right for this party.

Mom, what are you doing?

Pilling out the appetizer tray.

Huh?

There's some J .O. bread in here somewhere. I want to make croutons for

stupid dip.

You know, Chrissy, I have a feeling that something's going on around here

besides my volcano.

I'm telling you, you're missing a bit by setting up all these chairs.

If these people are dumb enough to pay $500 just to get in the door, think what

they'd pay to sit down.

Come on. Come on. That's... That's interesting.

Oh, less than 13 minutes. All right, all right. What do we do? What do we do?

Help your mother lay out all the food.

Oh, look at that.

That'd be great. Mike, we're going to pull this thing off.

I have just been rooting through garbage cans for food.

They're spectacular. And we got 12 minutes to spare.

Oh, I haven't even showered. Go, go, go, go, go shower.

Ben, if you don't take that volcano out of here, I am going to erupt. But you

said to... Ben. Dad.

You heard your mother?

Bathrooms are clean. I can see my face in the toilet.

No, I'm sure if I can get it to work once, it'll work.

Nice, Chrissy, real nice.

Your hair, your house, your humiliation. Well, pardon me, Ms.

Puddin' Head.

Stop it! Just stop it! People will be arriving here in nine minutes. You'll be

serving garbage with pudding in your hair.

This isn't a family, it's a freak show.

All right, everybody just calm down and relax and stop the name -calling,

especially you, toilet face.

That's the first constructive suggestion I've heard in the last 15 minutes.

Dad! Oh, stop whining, Carol. Your brother's been right about you for

All right. All right.

All right. I'm going to use my wet -dry vac and I'll have this place clean in a

snap. Where did you get a wet -dry vac?

Let's just say I got one, all right?

Our son is the only person around here in this family who still cares about

making this fundraiser work.

Wait a minute.

I thought Dad's fundraiser was tomorrow.

Uh, your pizza, the one you ordered.

That saves the day. Somebody ordered a pizza.

Yeah, that'll be $9 .85.

Hey, it's all right. There's $10.

I'm in such a good mood, keep the change.

I may weep, Mr. Kuzma.

Kuzma, Kuzma, all you want is... Ah, excuse us, excuse us. Dad, Dad, come on.

have food right here staring us in the face. And with people showing up in

minutes, what are you doing? Mike, I can't lie to the guys.

But, Dad, think of all the people you're going to be helping with your health

clinic. Mike, there's never a time to lie.

Son,

we ordered five pizzas, not one.

And that was 31 minutes ago, so they're free.

Oh, come on. Don't mess with me, kid. I got nothing to lose.

Yes, sir. I thought there was never a time to lie.

Honey, I'm sorry I called you puttin' in. Oh, and I'm sorry I said I wish

got our wedding date wrong.

Why did you say that?

Several times today.

It'd be faster if we showered together.

Oh, great. The sink is clogged. Yeah, that's no problem at all for the owner

a wet and dry vac.

Now step aside, both of you. Allow me. Just put your hose in the right port and

blow your problems away.

Jason, I called the Kuzmans to see if they had any food at all, and they are

expecting a pizza.

And as soon as it gets there, they're going to send it right over.

Yeah, well, the Kuzmans aren't getting the pizza.

What? I already hijacked their pie.

This is truly pathetic.

Let's go. Let's go. Four minutes to shower, honey. Oh, what's the point?

who serve food like this are beyond showers.

I'll tell everybody it was all my fault.

Oh, honey, maybe looking very, very sad will help you raise money.

Well, let's just hope they don't run the pictures.

The what? The pictures, honey. The New York Times. They're coming today. Didn't

I tell you?

I hope it's enough. That's all I had in my room.

Oh, Stingy, you are wonderful.

How'd you know we needed food?

Ben called me. Our Ben.

And I brought my accordion in case you want to get down and get funky.

should get the door.

I'll get it. I can do anything to help. Just ask.

Yeah.

Hello. Come in. Welcome.

I'm rich.

Boy, these people just come right out and say it.

Thank you. Listen, thank you so much for that contribution.

We had a fabulous afternoon.

Your eclectic display of food was an Eloquent statement on the needy causes

today.

Well, we figured, why put on a show?

And listen, your donation was really more than I ever could have hoped for.

Well, I figured the more people we have feeling good about themselves, the fewer

people we have calling me a heartless slumlord.

Words to live by.

Ta -ta. Ta -ta.

Thank you. Goodbye, dear. Goodbye. Nice meeting you.

While you're showering, he had some beef jerky, a little Kool -Aid, and left.

You met Donald Trump?

Yeah. Who is he?

I'm not the only stupid one around here.

He told me to give you this.

$10 ,000!

For some beef jerky and Kool -Aid?

We did all right, guys.

Oh, we did!

Yes! You know, the true test of character is grace under pressure, and I

we all scored pretty darn well today.

Come on, we pulled together as a family, a team.

Nobody got petty, nobody got selfish, nobody got irrational.

Hear, hear.

Let's remember that in the troubled times ahead.

I'm really glad you made that speech, because for a while there, I was

to think there was no point in what we were doing. Ah, you're not alone, Ben.

For a while, I had my doubts about this whole silly episode.

We'll be back in a moment.

I'm going to get my ear pierced, but that's okay.

Fine.

Get your ear pierced. Uh, yeah.

In your dreams.

I'm home now to deal with the kids' everyday problems, and you're out there

working, so let me deal with the kids' everyday problems. Okay.

Okay. Sorry, I didn't know you felt this strongly about it. Well, I do.

Fine. Fine. I'm backing off. Good.

Dad? Mike, I don't know what you're going to say.

Save it. Save it. It's not what it looks like, okay? I'm not whipped.