Original subtitles

So you're saying I'm wrong?

No, no, no, I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just saying that you know

absolutely nothing about women.

Mike, there's not a girl in the world who's going to let you kiss her after

got her name wrong.

Kara, Karen, I mean, they're so close.

Her name was Joan.

When were you when I needed you?

I was with David, the only man who knows less about women than you do.

Did you not hear my name mentioned?

Where have you been?

You're supposed to meet me here for lunch.

Cut me some slack here, babe. As director of this play we're doing, I

lights, I gotta get props, I gotta get costumes.

But I ain't alone.

Look, our one act has got to be perfect. You know what a royal pain in the rump,

Professor Thorne, is?

Ah, David.

Let me share with you an anecdote from Ralph Richardson.

Mr. Ho, I roll my ass far more regally than that, right?

Ah, Professor, you're spitting on me.

I know.

A principal tool of the director is observation.

So watch it, Bob.

Maybe I should apologize.

No, just sit down. Eat your sandwich. I'm used to it.

Figured. Hey, come on. David is crazy about you.

Yeah, what do you know about guys?

Hey, I've been one for the last 15 years.

But you're 19.

Interesting story.

You remember Kate? Yeah. Tell Mom that we're going to be rehearsing through

dinner, okay? Yeah, fine.

Hi there. Um, Dad.

Like she cares.

Okay,

ready to go again?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Uh, what's the score?

Is that Kate waving to you? Uh -huh.

It's time to make a choice.

You can stay here in this town living other people's dreams.

Or you can take a chance with me.

Jeff, I can't decide my whole life in a moment.

Well, a moment's all we got.

Then kiss me goodbye, Jessica.

Ah!

Look, look, look, look. The play's just going great until this kiss here at the

end. Mike.

You're not kissing her goodbye.

You're kissing her hello.

I mean, after this moment, we're supposed to believe she falls in love

I mean, the way you kissed her, I think you're the kind of guy who owns a lot of

cats.

Okay, from where we were.

A moment's all we got.

Then kiss me goodbye, Jessica.

Girls, right?

Yeah, of course I like girls.

Okay, then what the heck's the problem here? Nothing. Nothing's the problem.

It's just that she's your girlfriend.

No, she's not.

Pardon me?

Okay, okay. Bear with me here.

She's an actress.

You're an actor. Kisses mean nothing between actors.

Hey!

Look, while you guys make out, I'm just going to sit down.

Kate, please.

Okay? Take it again. Same page. David, we've been rehearsing for five hours.

tired. Hey, it's your grade, too.

Don't lecture me. I know it's my grade.

Yeah, why is it whenever I got a point to make with you, you think I'm giving

you a lecture? Look, look, look. If we just calm down, I'll kiss your

girlfriend, all right? There. See? Now, why can't you be more like Mike? Why

can't you be more like Mike?

Okay, so we're agreed. I'm a great guy.

Can we please call it a night? No, no. We're wrapped after we get this kiss

right. Now, listen to me.

Jessica.

is the one hope for bringing meaning to your aimless life. All the passion you

once held for the open road, you now feel for her. And Jeff is your chance,

one possibility to escape the life that's trapped you. The life you've

Okay? Okay.

Train whistle blows.

It's time to make a choice.

You can stay here in this town living other people's dreams, or you can take a

chance with me.

Jeff, I can't decide my whole life in one moment.

Well, a moment's all we got.

Then kiss me goodbye, Jessica.

all we got.

Then kiss me goodbye, Jessica.

Wait, wait, can you please turn the light back up?

I've got kind of an announcement to make.

Um, see, we weren't acting just now.

And I want you all to know, heck, I want the whole world to know that I love

Kate McDonald.

And I think, as you can tell from that last kiss, she feels the same way about

me. Mike!

Mike, we're just acting.

What?

Mike, we're just doing a play.

You mean you're not crazy about me?

I don't even like you.

I don't like you either. I'm a royal pain in the rump.

Folks,

what you have just seen here is proof that a kiss means nothing between

Here, let me demonstrate.

What are you doing here?

With a dream like this, you're going to need help from... Somebody.

Dad?

Dad?

Well, I could go upstairs, wake him up, and tell him I need to talk to him.

Or I could be more subtle.

energy, Carol, by running our planes at off -peak hours.

Why don't you run in the toaster? It's quieter.

Carol, why don't you go upstairs, circle three times, and lay down?

You're up to something.

No, I'm not.

You dropped out of school. No. You burned down the garage.

Carol. You held up a liquor store. Carol. Don't help me. This is fun.

Okay.

Okay, I have a question for you.

Now, could you kiss a guy in a way that would make him think that you're nuts

about him when you really don't feel anything at all?

Who told you this? Was it Nick?

What's all the noise?

Oh, it's Carol. She's upset about some guy she's dating.

What? Hey, Carol, if I were you, I would dump him. The man's got no taste.

Good night.

Wait a minute, Dad.

I mean, how often do I come to you with my problems?

Every Wednesday, 8 o 'clock, 7 central.

Fine, fine.

Make jokes.

No, it was your idea for me to come talk to you.

It was?

All right, well, then I better stay.

Want to join me in a late -night snack?

Hey, if you're looking for it, I already finished the pineapple upside -down

cake.

Pineapple upside -down cake?

Cake? Didn't I say cake?

No, no, no, you said cake.

Isn't that the girl you were rehearsing with tonight?

Oh, yeah, Dad, I can't get it out of my mind.

I don't wonder.

Dad, I mean, she's even in my dreams, and you were, too.

Really?

Let's not share that with your mother.

No, Dad, I mean, ever since I kissed this girl, I just can't forget about

You kissed her? Yeah, about 50 times, with her boyfriend right there cheering

on. Oh, that is some dream.

No, no, no, Dad, that's not a dream. That actually happened.

What the heck are you into, Mike?

Dad, Dad, look, I mean, I think I really, really care about this girl, but

taken. That's part of your dream.

No, Dad, come on. You were there. I kissed you.

What are you into, Mike?

Dad, look, she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me at all. That's real?

No, that's the dream.

I wish I were charging you by the hour.

Okay, I'll make it simple for you.

For the first time since Julie, I'm friends with a girl before I kiss her.

But she has a boyfriend.

Yes.

Why now?

Why her?

Well, maybe part of what you like about Kate is the fact that she is taken,

Mike. I mean, maybe after everything you went through with Julie, you really

don't want to get involved right now. So you've concocted this attraction to

someone who isn't available.

Nah, that's not it. What else you got?

Well, the other possibility is you really are attracted to her and you want

get serious about her.

Okay, okay. Now, what would I do in this case? Nothing.

No, Mike, no. Not as long as she's got a boyfriend.

Best thing is to have as little to do with her as possible.

Well, Dad, it's going to be kind of tough. I mean, I'm kissing this girl

tomorrow from noon till 4 .30.

It's going to be a real test of character.

Hers?

I was afraid of that.

Okay, let's take it from the train whistle, right before the kiss.

Uh, David, have you fully explored the passion of a hearty handshake?

Mike, I...

I know.

I know what your problem is.

You do? Yep, and I got the solution.

Wait, the solution is you're leaving?

No, no, no, no, no. See, I got a tape with a train whistle in my car.

I've been listening to it for days.

Oh, David, how... like you.

Why don't you guys work up to the kids?

See what happens.

Don't you think maybe we should do some acting exercises first? You know, like

pretending we're furniture?

I said work up to the kiss.

Jeff, the train's coming.

I said, Jeff, the train's coming.

Okay, it's time to make a choice.

You can either stay in this town, living out other people's dreams, or you can

take a chance with me.

Jeff, I can't decide my whole life in a moment.

Well, a moment's all we got.

Then kiss me goodbye, Jessica.

Kate, I'm sorry.

Mike, I wasn't acting just now.

I know I'm crazy to think that you could feel the same, but I really like you.

You like me?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Okay, kind of, wait a minute. Now, do you like me, like me, like me, just like

people you just like, or you like me, like, like me?

I'm nuts about you, too.

So,

so, so you mean this whole time that we were just friends, I mean, it never

occurred to you? Me neither. Until just yesterday.

Guys!

I'm telling you, our problems are over now.

Yes, I timed it up.

Fun is fun, Ben. Come on, get in the way. You better go do your homework.

Oh, come on, Dad. How about next time it wins? Sam, what's more important? Come

on, hoops or homework?

Now go on, we're going to call this a tie.

Okay.

who's she gonna believe?

Man, telephone for you. It's Laura Lynn.

You asked who it was?

Yeah, is that a problem?

Yeah, well, now she's gonna think that other girls call me, too.

I'm a dead man.

Now that you're finished with the game, huh? Oh, well, hi, Mom.

Hi, Mike. I hardly see you these days. What's new?

Um, nothing.

You all ready for the play tomorrow night?

Yep.

Oh.

You guys want to talk, huh?

No, no, no, Mom. It's okay. We'll let you leave.

Oh, if you're asking for advice about women, listen to him, Jason.

Dad, Dad, the worst thing happened to me today.

What? Were you telling her how you feel? No, she told me how she feels. How does

she feel?

Pretty darn good. No,

Dad, I mean, I didn't want this to happen. Come on, you didn't. Okay, of

I did, but I didn't want to want it to happen.

I guess I'm just irresistible.

Mike, you know better than this. Dad, come on. You think I wanted to mess up

their relationship?

No, okay, no, I don't. I'm sorry. I just, uh, I have a prejudice against

like you.

Pardon me?

Hey. Look, when I was dating your mother when we started out, you know, we had a

snag or two. That happens.

So what do I do? I turn to my friend Aaron. This guy's my lab partner, for

crying out loud.

Before I know it, I tell him the whole story, and then he starts...

He's sniffing around your mother.

He's taking her out. He starts picking up the tab like that was going to

her.

Dad, this has nothing to do with me. I don't even have lab.

The point is, Mike, that Aaron just being there was getting in the way of me

getting back with your mother again.

But, Dad, I have nothing to do with their problems.

Are you sure of that? Yeah, Dad. I mean, they were having problems long before I

even knew that I liked her. Before she even knew that she liked me.

Hey, only two people could know that for sure.

Me and Kate?

Don't help me. Don't help me.

Good evening, parents and friends of the Al Flandern Junior College Department

of Theatrical Arts.

And welcome to the Ruth Buzzy Theatre.

Tonight we are pleased to present three student one acts.

Our first production is an experimental piece entitled Mr.

Lincoln Goes to the Theatre.

Take a seat. Find a seat. Find a seat.

I'm not sitting next to this guy.

So his wife shot him.

We'll give you a moment to recover from that.

Set the stage for our next one act.

There's his name, Michael Aaron Sieber, who plays next.

That's my boy, Michael Aaron.

Maggie, why did you insist on Mike's middle name being Aaron?

Oh, I don't know. I can't remember.

Well, think.

Oh, it was after my cousin.

Yeah, right.

It had nothing to do with that charming boy who paid for my lunches, who now, by

the way, is a millionaire.

poses the dramatic question, what if Romeo and Juliet were mimes?

If

Lincoln

were here to see this play, he'd shoot himself.

Well, I could see right down her dress.

I'm next. Where the heck is Mike? I don't know.

Maybe those mimes will get an encore.

Who am I kidding?

Mike, where have you been?

Um, I was running my lines.

Where? I've been looking all over for you.

Look, Kate, can we just please stick to the play?

Mike, you can't keep avoiding me.

Kate, it's just that I don't want... to talk about things that we can't talk

about right now, okay?

Mike. Hey. Okay, guys, this is it. And remember, that kiss means everything.

Why are you keeping in touch with this Aaron guy?

Our final one act of the evening is entitled The Passion, starring Kate

and Michael Siva.

Directed by David Hogue.

Who is apparently not related to this lady at all.

May I ask you a question, Maggie?

Jason, I want to watch and see how Mike deals with having to kiss Kate knowing

how she feels and that her boyfriend's the director.

You eavesdrop.

So you're not really keeping in touch with this guy at all, are you? No, but I

could if you don't dummy up.

stay here in this town living other people's dreams or you can take a chance

with me.

Jeff, I can't decide my whole life in a moment.

Well, a moment's all we got.

Then kiss me goodbye, Jessica.

No,

Caitlin, I can't find my feelings for you anymore. I wish I could, but I

Maybe this is wrong. No, no, it's not wrong.

Look, we'll explain it to David. Yeah, well, just tell him that we didn't plan

for it to happen. Yeah, and that we didn't even want it to happen. He'll

understand. Oh, yeah, he's a great guy. Oh, he's a great, great guy. Great guy.

You guys.

You guys were great.

Oh, look, honey.

I know I've been a total jerk for the last few weeks, but I know we can get

things back the way they were, Katie.

I love you.

All right, people, it's time for the bows.

Let's go.

We'll be back in a moment.

I gotta find out what's bothering Kate.

Uh -huh. See, something's changed.

Uh -huh.

I can't talk to her.

Uh -huh.

Will you? Will I what? Will you talk to her?

You mean about what's bothering her? Mike, I have to know.

And she likes you. I mean, heck, you've been kissing her more lately than I

have.

You made me.

Kate, I'm just trying to do the right thing here. You know, I'm trying to get

you out of my mind.

But it's not working.

At all.

Good.