Original subtitles

Top of the morning to you, Jason.

Hi, Ed, Kate.

Ed?

Kate, what are you doing here?

Get your key out from under the mat.

First place a burglar would look, by the way.

I tried to use the microwave, but I blew something up.

Maggie?

Your folks have favored us with another one of their surprise visits.

For once, the head shrinker knows what he's talking about.

If you'll tell me where the fire extinguisher is, I'd be happy to cook

breakfast.

Terry, what are you doing here?

Margaret, we did not come all this way to see you. We came to see our

grandchildren.

Carol! Ben!

Front and center!

Michael!

Wake me when they're gone.

Jason, that's not polite.

It's Saturday morning, for crying out loud.

Mike, your grandparents are here.

Oh, your grandfather's the same way until he's had his morning sit down.

Kate!

I don't think anybody's going to be interested in that.

Anyway, I know you're dying to know why we're here.

And for how long?

The other day, we went over our will with our lawyer.

Mom, Daddy, are you sick?

Well, you know, your mother's always been a little iffy.

But, you know, other than that, we're in perfect health. No, what we've decided

to do is give our grandkids their bequests now.

The point is, why wait until we're dead to enjoy ourselves?

Here.

Here and, Michael, here.

It's cash.

Oh, a whole lot of cash.

$5 ,000.

And you can spend it any way you want.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

I told you this would be more fun than going to Ireland.

Oh, Daddy, hold on here. Before we get carried away, I think that... We can't

accept it.

Dad,

we'll split it with you. Yeah. No, you won't. Money belongs to Carol.

Daddy, none of us want your money.

It was our decision to give it to the grandchildren, and this doesn't involve

you at all.

Nothing!

Daddy, I thought you were saving your money to go to Ireland.

Oh, I can get crocked on stout anywhere.

It has.

All right, kids, here it is, and you can spend it as you will.

Don't touch that money!

Jason, help me out here.

Okay, all right. I'll tell you exactly what we should do, is just sit down

together as a family and talk this out.

Oh, sure. Then you charge him $5 ,000 for the session.

No siree, Bob.

Daddy, I will not sit still and watch my children squander your life savings.

What's squander mean? It means spending your money on whatever you want, whether

you need it or not.

Kate, can you believe this?

Yes. She's always been a sour child.

It's a dark day when your only daughter won't honor your last will and

testament. Oh.

I guess when I used to fix your bicycle, I couldn't have done much of a job.

Oh, Daddy, I... I guess when I used to get off work early so that I could come

to your ballet recitals, that wasn't enough.

Oh, please, I... When I took that second job to the place where that car you had

in high school. Okay.

Okay. The kids can keep the money.

All right!

Yes! All right, so how are you going to spend yours? I don't know, but that

squander thing sounds pretty good to me.

Yeah. Carol, you better get down to the bank. I mean, by hanging out here,

you've already blown, like, 16 cents in interest.

I don't like this.

Yes, I gotta hand it to you. I have never seen a parrot use guilt the way

do. Yeah, gotta admit, I'm good.

And Mike and Carol are over 18, but I just can't let my 13 -year -old son walk

out of this house, Ed, with $5 ,000 in his pocket.

You're too late.

Ben?

Ben? Ben?

And you can spend it any way you want?

Yeah, and I got $4 ,000 more on my shoe.

Whoa. Hey, I thought you looked taller.

There's Stinky.

Keep the change.

Ben, nobody's ever sent a cab for me before.

This is only the beginning, Stinkman. Only the beginning.

Joe, you really like this baby, huh?

Well, it looks a little beat up. Beat up? Oh, no, no, no, no. This machine has

been completely reconditioned by my own skilled technicians.

It's a steal at $1 ,500.

Well, actually, I can spend a little bit more than that. Oh, thank God.

For $1 ,500, all you get is bupkis, right?

Now, for $4 ,700, I can put you behind the wheel of this little cherry here.

Oh, boy, this is more like it.

Oh, did I say $4 ,700? I meant $5 ,700.

This time, I mean stay out.

Can't a gentleman browse anymore?

Those donuts are for customers, Pop.

You had no intention of buying a car.

Not with that attitude. I don't.

Fred! Fred, how you doing?

You know this bum?

Oh, yeah. Fred's been washing my windshield at Stoplight for years. How

been? Just dandy.

Thank you very much for the inquiry.

Can I offer you a donut?

No.

Call the cops.

Perhaps another time.

Okay,

I said $4 ,700, and that was a mistake, but it was my mistake. Excuse me, I have

a friend. You need a lift home?

Oh, that's more than kind, but I have transportation.

$4 ,500, but I don't make a nickel on it. Excuse me.

Hey, what about our deal here?

Don't worry, I'll be back.

I'll be back.

That's what they all say.

Days like this, I almost wish I'd stayed a congressman.

You and me both.

I don't understand, Mrs. Sullivan. You let Stinky just get into a cab without

even asking where he was going?

Yes, I did let Ben out the door with $5 ,000 without asking where he was going,

but technically.

If you hear from them, just let us know the name of the country they're buying.

This is all your fault, you know.

My fault? Well, I couldn't stop them. I was crippled with guilt.

Hey, look, I never even intended to let Ben out the door.

Oh, so you're ducking all responsibility?

Okay, okay.

I shouldn't have been distracted by your father playing you like a bass fiddle.

And, uh, listen, if you just try to think of the meaning behind my words

instead of the words themselves, because... You, Ed, this is all your

Big pardon? Well, because of you, my 13 -year -old son is God knows where, doing

God knows what with more money than he ever imagined.

Yeah, and ain't it grand?

Aha!

Got over your guilt and ready to go out and hit the mall, huh?

Grandpa, the thought of spending this money makes me very sad.

Sad? Because it forces me to realize that there'll be a time when you're not

around.

Grandpa, if you love me, you'll just... Take the money back.

Sure, honey.

Thank you.

But let's not tell your grandmother.

This would break her heart.

What?

Oh, she's been waiting for this since the day you were born. The day that she

brought you that blanket that she knitted.

Mr. Blanky?

Well,

I had no idea.

The course of this money makes you feel uncomfortable. I mean, how does that

compare to an old lady's heart?

You sure?

Grandpa, you're pushing it.

Where'd you go?

Right here.

Coach?

No, no thanks. I'll keep mine on.

It whips through here and makes it a mite frisker than it is outside.

You know, maybe this winter I'm going to make it to sunny Florida.

Oh, are you from Florida?

No, but the word on the street is they got great garbage behind Burt Reynolds'

dinner theater.

Well, I guess Lonnie Harrison must be pretty handy in the kitchen.

Does that surprise you?

Well,

we're in luck.

You eat lunch yet?

No, no thanks, Fred. I'm not hungry.

Of course.

I understand.

Oh, well, maybe just one bite. Ha ha, there you go.

This is our lucky day. Looks like this used to be cream filled.

Thanks.

Lloyd, we've got company.

You have a dog.

Shh, not so loud. The landlord disapproves.

Eli, I got something for you, too.

Hey, I hope that isn't mine.

Shall I heat up your donut?

I... No.

At the arcade, at the record store, at the yogurt place, at the bowling alley.

Only got $200 left.

You blew $4 ,800 in one day? I guess I did.

What the heck were you thinking?

You're going to have to order something, and it better not be one cola with 60

straws.

Burgers for everybody.

Are you sure you've got enough money?

Give me $200 worth of burgers.

Let's keep it between us. What?

Dad, what's going on out there? Dad, be careful. I've left him a lot of things

to take and throw.

You bought some things? Yeah. He blew his whole wad on those ungrateful pigs.

Did I hear that correctly, young man, that you blew your whole wad?

I did.

Oh, well, this is worse than I imagined.

Now, I can understand wasting $100, but to leave here this morning with $5 ,000

and come home with... How much do you have left?

5 ,200.

Exactly.

What? I don't want it, okay?

Ben, we're going to talk about this as soon as I get rid of these kids.

Oh, don't worry, Dr. Seaver. We won't let any of those kids near Ben when we

spend his next $5 ,000.

If you boys actually think I'm going to let Ben walk out that door with this

much money, you're crazy. He did before?

Well, one of us did.

Look, I'm not going to spend a dime of this money. I don't even want this

We'll take it. We'll take it. We'll take it.

Yeah, who needs men?

Hey, if all you care about is my money, then get out!

If we stay, what do we get?

Out, out, out!

I bought you guys CDs, I bought you guys the jackets, I even bought you guys

underwear!

You bought stinky underwear?

No, it was new.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Not... many buyers are shrewd enough to test drive a car with the top off in the

dead of winter.

This thing does have a top, though, right? Of course it does. What kind of a

businessman do you think I am?

It's on order.

Boy, I love this thing.

Like I said, $5 ,700, out the door.

Wait a minute, you said $4 ,700.

Deal.

Let's sign the book. Okay.

Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, so, will you be giving me the whole $5 ,700 in cash?

Ben, I think maybe you're being a little bit extreme.

All I said was that I hope Sneaky and Jerry explode.

What's extreme about that?

Hello, everybody.

Carol, we really don't have time for that.

Where's Grandma and Grandpa?

Hopefully they exploded.

They're in the kitchen, honey.

You are... so helpful on the inconsequential questions.

Beth, cut the baloney and get down here. Now!

Eddie, you don't suppose our gifts to the kids have caused tension around

do you?

Oh, good. You're both here.

Well, I was out walking for two hours trying to figure out the best way to

this money.

I mean, I wanted something that could begin to repay you for knitting Mr.

Blanky. I didn't knit that. I found it.

I think we're getting off the track here. Let the child talk.

Well, you said I could spend it any way that would make me happy.

So, this is what I bought.

What the heck is this now?

Two first -class round -trip tickets to Ireland.

Carol, I had no idea you wanted to go to Ireland.

Not for me, for you two.

For us?

Oh, that's wonderful.

Look, if I had wanted to take a trip to Ireland, I could have bought it myself.

Well, sure, you could have, but you didn't. You gave the money to us

Exactly. That's why you had no business doing it.

Well, you said you wanted the pleasure of watching us spend it, so here.

I had the travel agent take it as I gave him the money.

Oh.

Honey, I don't know what to say.

I just want you two to be careful in Ireland because they drive on the other

side of the road there.

Oh, Eddie, all these years you've been driving in the wrong country.

I don't understand how money turns people into pigs.

Well, Ben, that's a start just to realize the money did change you.

Not me thinking dairy.

Ben, tell me, just how did they force you to buy all these things?

Force me?

Well, they were very tricky about it.

Probably made it seem like it was your idea, right?

Yeah. Well, there's a reason for that, Ben.

It was your idea.

So you think I blew $5 ,000 on purpose?

No, I think you probably just lost your head.

Me? Didn't you see Stinky and Gary tugging on that chuck like animals?

Oh, kind of like you and Mike did this morning?

Yeah.

Oh.

You just had an important thought there, Ben.

I was afraid of that.

Not only did I blow $5 ,000, I was wrong, too.

That about sums it up.

So, Ben, what are we going to do with all your winnings?

Well, you could give me another set, spend it any way I want.

Is that really what you think?

No, I just figured we all need a good laugh about now.

Maggie!

Jason!

granddaughter just did the most wonderful thing with her money.

That fingers.

Ben, you're in pain.

How's that?

She's sending us out of the country.

Carol, that is a terrific idea.

You're so predictable.

Ben, what are you telling your sister?

What? How to eat?

What's that?

You didn't buy a car, too, did you?

I might have.

Ta -da!

All right, all right, what do you think? Come on, be honest.

Well, at least you didn't blow all your money at once.

What do you mean, blow my money? Dad, this is a great car.

He spent every dime.

Now, just wait a dad -blame minute.

Mike, are you happy with the way you spent your money?

Oh, Grandpa, I've never been happy about anything in my whole life.

Then case closed.

I don't get it. What did he buy?

A piece of junk in the driveway.

I'm telling you what, if I fix this baby up, you won't even recognize her. But

you have no money left to fix it up with.

Details, details.

Look, I'm going to go show this off to my friends. I'll see you later.

Well, Jason, for what it's worth, I don't blame you for this.

Of course not. We raised them.

Well, look on the bright side.

Carol did something nice, and Ben learned something in spite of himself.

Mike continued his perfect record of irresponsibility.

Well, it is a perfect record.

Excuse me.

Michael at home?

You just missed him. You drat.

Well, would you give him these for his new vehicle?

And oh, he forgot my IOU.

$3 ,500?

Mike gave you... He didn't give me nothing.

I consider it merely as a short -term loan which I will repay in full as soon

as I return from Florida.

What do you know?

I hear they got a lot of women there with teeth.

Teeth? Yeah.

Maybe I'll even find a little schnauzer for Lloyd.

Well, there goes his perfect record.

I never doubted the boy for a minute.

I'll be back in a moment.

I got a promotion. I'm the manager of the punctuation department with my own

office, people reporting to me, and everything.

Carol, it's for you. Some guy.

You expect me to fall for that?

I'm sorry. She doesn't know any guys.

Well, she can't come to the phone right now.

If you must know, she's in the can.

Is there really somebody on the phone? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He said he's from your

work. He said it's an emergency.

Well, that's impossible.

You expect her to climb off the throne for that?