Original subtitles

No paper again this morning? That's five days in a row.

More important, that's two dollars I'm deducting from this month's bill.

What? No interest?

Good point.

Two dollars and fourteen cents.

Who are you calling?

Excuse me. Yes, this isn't directed at you personally, but what the hell kind

two -bit newspaper are you people running down there?

Five mornings in a row, there's nothing in my driveway.

Yes, I check the bushes.

Yes, the roof.

No, we don't have a pool.

No, you can't put me on hold. Please, I want this taken care of right away. I

want a rebate for $2 .14.

It's interest.

Yeah, hello.

They put me on hold.

It's not like we couldn't afford a pool, you know.

Oh, yes, yes, my address, 15 Robin Hood Lane.

Oh, yes.

Oh, I would love to talk to the paper boy directly.

What's his number?

Don't run your mind games on me. That's my number.

What's Mr. Bozo's name?

Michael. How's my fledgling paper boy doing this fine, pristine morning? Hey,

okay, Philly. How you doing? Oh, quite satisfactorily. But then again, carrying

out the sacred mandate of the First Amendment is my raise on debt.

He took the words right out of my mouth. Here you go.

All right.

Thanks.

Don't exhume just yet.

Hey, how could I? I haven't had my coffee.

Wait a minute, Philly. I thought I was only supposed to deliver 200 papers.

Exactamundo.

But, Philly, 200 papers didn't look like this all last week.

Sunday edition, Michael.

Really? You think it's merely capricious that we initiate paper carriers on

Monday? Nay.

Nay.

You didn't tell us.

Dad, I mean, every time I tell you that I've done something responsible, you

always give me that look and you get so excited and you say, that's my boy.

I'm trying to avoid that.

Done. Where's my stinking paper bin all week?

It's right up in my place, Dad. It's the first one I deliver.

Yeah, well, those are my papers. You owe me two dollars.

What, no interest?

That hurts, Mike. That really hurts.

I got it. I know, I know, I know. You got papers to deliver. You got a job.

Ow!

Go, go!

That's my boy.

Hey, where's my stinking paper?

I am exhausted.

Guess how many papers I delivered today.

One.

Sunday papers here, Carol. We were talking huge, mountainous, heavy papers.

This is the hardest 50 bucks I've ever made.

You know, I think I was tricked.

$50 a day is fine when there's no news, but what's with these world leaders? I

mean... Why do these world leaders wait till the weekends to spout off?

Mike, it might look like I'm leaving the room right now because I don't care to

listen to your self -pitying babble. But that's not the case.

Just don't move by your sad story that I...

I have to go into another room and weep.

Thanks a lot, Carol.

Mike, I'm not a fool. I know what you're thinking.

You do?

First the sad story, then the mention of $50 so often I couldn't miss it. And

then the coup de grace.

Your admission that you can't handle the job.

So what do I think this means?

Of course, to me.

But I just want to see how close you can come.

You want me to take over your paper route?

And pay me only a measly $50 a day while you keep the rest of what you're really

paid? Well, it won't work to live your own stinking papers, all 2 -0 -0 of

You're nuts, Carol. You know, you're really nuts.

It never occurred to me to skim off the top.

But now that it does...

One should prey on one dumber than oneself if one can find one.

Morning, Mike. Hey, morning, Ben.

Hey,

Benny, how is one?

I mean, uh... How are you this morning?

Huh? Hey, look, Benny, I'm not stupid. I know what you're thinking.

What? You're thinking that with this paper route thing, they're practically

giving money away.

And how I, as your bro, should share the wealth.

Nah, actually, I was thinking a Laura Lennon bikini.

And wouldn't she be impressed with a guy who's pulling down 25 bucks a day?

Actually, she wasn't wearing a bikini.

Come on, you're not listening to me. Listen, I am offering you half of my

route. You have a paper route?

Yeah.

And you're giving me half of it?

Yes. A mere 200 papers. And that's 25 bucks a day.

Hey, this is great.

Yeah, you're telling me.

Uh -oh.

Wait a second, Ben.

Mom and Dad are never going to let you have a job at your age?

Well, I won't tell them.

Oh, come on, Mike. Be a pal and don't tell either.

Well, okay.

But remember, you owe me.

It's not going anywhere until it dries out.

It might be late for school.

Gary, you don't have any idea what it's like to be a paper boy, do you?

Ride your bike, throw a few papers, make big bucks.

But you get wet.

Hey, if you don't want to do it, I'd do it. I mean, what's it pay? Five bucks?

Ten bucks?

Ten bucks?

I get... Ten bucks.

Okay, Gary, you can have my paper roots.

Wait a minute. Why are you giving up all this money?

It's kind of personal.

Really? A medical reason.

Well, from riding my bike so much, I got... Paperboy's crotch.

All the money in the world isn't worth anything if you have to walk like this.

So, we got a deal?

Yeah.

Let's not shake on it.

I hear it, too.

No, no, I am not a subscriber with a complaint. Just the opposite, a kudo.

Our paperboy is the best paperboy we've ever had.

His name is Michael Aaron Seaver.

In fact, we're so thrilled with him, we're going to take another

My name?

I can't tell you.

Newspaper.

Perfectly folded.

And I bet it's full of nothing but good news.

Ben, maybe you can learn from your brother's example and get a paper route

you're old enough.

I gotta go.

But you only had eight sausages.

I gotta get to school early. I gotta make a test.

See you, Ben.

Give me the sports section.

See you in ten minutes.

would have left.

Sorry, I'm late, Mike. Benny, look, if you're not serious about this job, I

you to come out and tell me right now. Because the only reason I'm giving you

half of my paper out is because, well, heck, I'll just say it.

We're family.

And there are plenty of people who would do this for half the money.

I know.

I mean, I've heard.

Yeah, well, here are your papers.

Remember, you're making $25 a day, Ben.

So don't let me down.

You know me, Mike.

Yeah.

Gary, you're late.

No, I'm not.

Right on time.

Oh, right. That was me.

Um, there are your papers. And remember, if you start getting tired, just keep

thinking to yourself, handbook day, handbook day.

Got it.

You better get started, Gary.

Hey, uh, you're walking better.

Than what?

Oh, oh, right. Well, I switched to boxer shorts.

Respondent. Huh?

Over your performance.

Or the lack therein of.

Wait, I still don't... Michael, while not delivering 42 papers may seem like a

small transgression, let us suppose, you and I, that one of your subscribers

thus denied is a man this close to solving the essential questions which we

wrestle with as enlightening beings.

What 42 papers?

The ones for which you will not receive remuneration.

Wait a minute. Would you talk English? Sure.

You throw away 42 papers, you lose money.

Do it again, you lose your job.

Benny, we must talk.

I must too.

Look, I'm serious, Benny. I just got reamed out there. 42 people did not get

their papers yesterday.

Really? Yeah, but you let me down.

Well, how do you know they came from my half of the route?

Your half?

Benny, there's only been complaints from your half of the route.

Hey, Benny, look, what am I paying you $50 a day for?

You're not. You're paying me $25.

Exactly.

Benny, don't lie to me. You did not deliver those papers, did you? And I'm

going to remunerate you for them.

Look, if it happens again, I'm going to have to let you go.

You mean I'm not going to be your brother anymore?

I don't think there'll be any complaints about undelivered papers today.

There better not be, or I might have to step in.

No matter what shit my crotch was in.

Hey, don't worry, man. Just rest and heal.

Hey, Stinky.

What's the matter?

Nothing's the matter. I can't tell you what it is.

Stink, stink, stink. You'll feel better if you just let it out. That's just an

expression.

I'll let Gary down.

I was helping Matt by delivering his newspapers for a dollar a day.

A dollar?

Wish you'd told me they all had to be delivered in the same day.

Hey, Sticky.

You've been paying him a dollar and keeping the other 24?

24? You only pay me 10.

10?

You get 25?

Don't change the subject. You've been making money off the little chump. Yeah.

Well, what about you?

You've been making money off me, right?

Okay, well, me... Maybe just a little, but I could have skipped you, gone right

to the chump and kept 24 big ones.

time I told you the truth, Maggie, my new office was a lie.

Every morning I get all dressed up and I go hide in the garage and wait till

quitting time.

No, no, to tell you the truth, I messed up and cured my four o 'clock.

Now he's as sick as ever.

No, he's had some cancellations. I thought I'd come home and we could have

little quality time.

This isn't part of it, is it?

Not a sloppy lunch.

Hold it!

Mr. and Mrs. Sullivan, what... Mrs. Seaver, we have a problem.

I didn't think on you, Ben. They found coleslaw in my underwear.

Sir and I, your mother's talking.

Mrs. Sullivan, what have you... Because of Ben, our little boy was taken

advantage of. Taken advantage of? And powdered with pudding.

That's impossible. Ben doesn't even have a paper route.

Hey, Mom, when's dinner?

Mike has a paper route. Never mind. All right, stick around.

All I know is my son delivered 200 papers for a dollar a day.

A dollar?

I was just making sure that I heard that right.

Well, Ben was keeping either $9 or $24 for doing nothing.

Don't you mean Ben, Dan? No, I mean Mike.

Okay, all right, Ben.

Benny, I can't cover for you anymore, man.

All right, I let Ben in on half my paper out to help him out. But little did I

know that he would use my generosity to hustle his little friend.

I didn't hustle Skinky. I hustled Gary.

Who's Gary?

The kid I nailed with a pasta vizor.

All right, Ben, we want the whole story now.

Hi. Am I interrupting something?

I guess.

You are, Carol, and frankly, we're very disappointed in Ben.

Ben, we're waiting.

Well, Mike did give me half of his paper route, but I couldn't handle 200

papers. I thought 200 papers was your whole route.

What?

Mike, if I was delivering your whole route, how come I was only getting paid

$25? I thought you were getting 50.

50, 25, you know me in math.

I mean, isn't the point here that Benny here was in deep, deep trouble?

We'll see.

Mr. and Mrs. Sullivan, thank you for bringing this to our attention. I think

can handle it from here.

Well, I certainly hope so.

Let's go, Bernard.

Waldo.

Why are you holding out on me?

Like you were doing to your friend.

Exactly.

Well, look, I for one think that we're all getting a little too upset about

nothing. Nothing? Mike, you're on the top of a pyramid scheme here.

I'll get it. It's probably the police.

Dad, look, the Long Island Herald is keeping some money, too. I mean, that's

way it's supposed to work.

Mike. Mom, we are talking about the free enterprise system.

Okay? I mean, I sold something. I kept a little profit for myself.

I mean, is that wrong?

Mom, I... I should be praised, not punished.

I bet Lee Iacocca's parents don't ground him every time he moves a Chrysler.

Mike. Dad, look.

Punish me if you want to, but all I did was participate in a system that makes

me... Heck, I'll just say it.

Darn proud to be an American.

It's Gary's parents on the phone. They want to talk with you as soon as...

crotch heals.

That's all Mike got?

He has to do his own paper route from now on?

That's all he got.

What happened to justice? What happened to equity?

What happened to my punishing, vindictive, petty parents?

Oh, we're still here.

Can I borrow yours or take my papers? I mean, I'll have them back to you before

you have to leave for work. Yeah, sure, Mike. Thanks.

$100.

What? Car rental.

Dad, I only make $50 a day.

Why, come on. It's that free enterprise thing that you explained so well

yesterday.

Dad, we're family.

But first, we're Americans.

Thank you, Mommy.

I could use the money.

What?

$200.

It's a station wagon.

What is it with you people?

Hey, I bet Lee Iacocca's kids don't give him an attitude when he does it.

Okay.

Okay, you guys got me. I've learned my lesson.

Well, that's great, Mike.

Boy, Dad, was I selfish.

You said it.

Well, thanks for showing me the way.

Anytime.

You guys are really the greatest.

Mike? Yeah, Mom?

It's still going to cost you dearly for our cars.

You know, Maggie, maybe I just should have sold the kid his distributor wife.

Or his spark plugs.

I'll take it all back. You guys are just as punishing, vindictive, and petty as

you've always been.

Ben, what are you... Here's the money I made, and it's all going to you.

I hope you don't hate me even though I treated you like a chump and we're still

friends. That's a very nice thing to say.

Tell my dad he wrote it.

Wow. Who knew when I started delivering papers for a dollar a day, I'd end up a

rich man.

Not me, Stink. Not me.

Thanks, Ben.

You can treat me like a chump any day.

Shut up, Ben. Just shut up.

In a moment.

What we've decided to do is give our grandkids their bequests now. The point

why wait until we're dead to enjoy ourselves?

Here.

Here and, Michael, here.

It's cash.

A whole lot of cash.

$5 ,000.

And you can spend it any way you want to.

Sherry is?

Oh, boy, this is more like it.

The thought of spending this money makes me very sad.

Sad? Because it forces me to realize that there'll be a time when you're not

around.

Grandpa, if you love me, you'll just take the money back.

The best things in life are free.

But you can give them to the best.