Original subtitles

Mike Seaver.

Here's my number, then.

Come on, Mike.

Oh, hi.

Very nice to meet you. Are those prop books?

Oh, no. See, I go to Alf Landon Junior College.

In fact, that's where I'm supposed to be right now. But when I read about this

open audition for a TV show, I cut class.

Oh, and that Morgan Chase.

Whoa.

I should shut up, right?

Mike, I usually get 8x10s from my actors.

Oh, oh, well, see, I'm just starting out, so I'm using two -by -threes.

But I'm going to work my way up.

What kind of experience do you have?

Well, I auditioned for a play at Lincoln Center, and I auditioned for the Swimmy

the Happy Fish commercial, and I was this close to being a roll -on

Now, this shoots next Thursday. Will you be available?

I got the part.

Mike, Mike, I'm just checking your availability.

Do you have school that day?

I'll drop out.

Okay.

Let's give this a try.

You're reading for Officer Bukowski. I'll read Officer Sarah's line. Now,

just been shot.

You can stand.

Bukowski, I'm sorry. That bullet was meant for me. Why'd you do it?

Oh, it doesn't matter what happens to me, Sarah, but you've got a family who

loves you.

Hang on. There's an ambulance on the way.

Sarah, I'm not going to make Sergeant, am I?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

No, see, you're supposed to say goodbye now.

Oh.

Oh, right.

What? He reminds me of a young Michael J. Fox.

Rest of my life, I'm in the bake sale.

Maybe I've been sending you mixed signals, Brent.

You, uh, want to go and toss your football around?

No, Dad. See, the lovely Laura Lynn's running the bake sale.

I mean, how can she ignore a dude with 300 chocolate chip cookies melting in

hands?

Oh, by the way, Mom, I'll need those by tomorrow.

Hold on, Ben.

You think you can just tell me to make 300 cookies and then leave?

Mom, you're the greatest.

Mom, Dad, the coolest thing happened today. You guys are never going to guess

what happened. Go on, take a guess. No, you'll never guess.

You were in the bake sale, too.

No.

No, look, a bunch of us guys from acting class, we went to this open audition,

and are you ready for this? I am going to be... Oh, this is so cool, you can't

even believe it. On ABC's hit series...

Morgan Chase?

Yeah. You're gonna meet her? Yeah.

Because she's very talented.

Yeah, and I play Officer Bukowski, the heroic rookie cop who takes a bullet and

dies in the line of duty.

You die?

Yeah.

Well,

why'd they pick you over a real actor?

I know we tease each other a lot over the years, Carol, but I thought that

this time you'd understand.

I mean, this is my big break.

I thought just maybe once you'd be happy for me.

I was only kidding. I mean, that's just what Mike and I do.

Yeah, well, maybe this time you've gone a little too far, Carol.

I'll go and apologize.

Not a real actor, Rat Breath?

My first role was not opposite De Niro and Street.

It was on New York Heat.

You know what, Oprah? We have something in common.

I'll tell you. I'll tell you.

When I was on the cover of TV Guide, they used Ann -Margaret's body, too.

Hey, Mike.

Oh, hey, hey, hey. Benny, did you hear the great news? Yeah, you're going to be

on. New York heat.

Right. Did your mom and dad tell you?

No, I heard Carol talking on the phone. She's been calling all her friends and

bragging about you.

This is our sister kill you're talking about?

Yeah, the one with the constipated look.

Well, well, well, this is very interesting.

You know, I always knew you'd end up on TV, but I figured it'd be on the news.

Hey, look, as long as you're here, you want to help me run my lines?

Me? Yeah, yeah, look. Okay, now you can play Officer Sarah McCauley.

You mean Morgan Chase?

Yeah.

Yeah,

okay. Now, I've just been shot, okay?

What are you doing?

I'm getting into character.

Okay.

But you've got a family who loves you.

Hang on, there's an ambulance on the way.

Sarah, I'm not going to make sergeant, am I?

to talk to Mike.

And Ben, don't let your mother see you with those breasts.

Mike. Dad, look, I was doing my homework, all right? So you don't have

This part is not going to interfere with my schoolwork at all. Forget school.

Huh?

Could you get me Morgan Chase's autograph?

You ready?

Ready. Roll them.

Slate it.

Team 112, take one. Marker.

who loves you hang on there's an ambulance on the way yeah

i'm not gonna make sergeant am i

just a kid

i see this every day and i never get

Good job, kid.

Thank you, Richard.

Hey, how are you, Paul?

Gracias, PJ.

Dude.

He said, nice job.

He walked over to me and took the time to personally call me kid.

Knows me.

By name.

Wow.

Ben, I made your cookies.

Took me all day, but that's the joy of being the selfless mother I am.

Mom, I forgot to tell you. I dropped out of the bake sale.

What?

Well, see, when I told Laura Lynn that Mike was going to be on TV, she got all

excited. Thought, who needs cookies?

Want me to hold them while you smack them around?

to sit down right here young man and eat these cookies all 300 of them all

right they liked me they really liked me hey yeah

yeah dad and the director himself said nice job oh that's great yeah look look

here's my contract it says michael siever here and after the artist i am

legally an artist

Frank, Mike.

Mike, it's Tony from your acting class.

Oh, right. We've got to study tonight.

Tell him I'll call him back later.

I'm glad to hear you're keeping up with your schoolwork, too. Oh, yeah.

Oh, and here's your autographed picture of Morgan Chase.

Oh.

That hurts, Carol.

You know, that really, really hurts.

Carol? Mom, he was just acting again. He's a good actor.

Well, go tell him that.

All right.

She had to have this retouching. Nobody is this gorgeous.

Somebody is. Too little, too late.

I am not crazy, Tony. I have a reason for not studying for this test tomorrow.

Yes, and it's a good one, too. Look, with my acting career taken off, I don't

need to study. I'm dropping out of school.

Yeah, Tony.

I'm serious.

Look, I don't want you telling anyone yet, all right? So just put a sock in

big carrel.

Tony, I'll talk to you later, okay?

Of course, I'm not dropping out of school, Tony. I was just kidding.

Yeah, all right, later.

Oh, man, this acting stuff is almost too easy.

You weren't acting. You're really going to quit school over one crummy acting

job on one stupid TV show.

You're calling a TV show on ABC, stupid?

Yes, if it means you're going to quit.

Mike, think.

Or get as close to it as you can.

What if this job was a... What if you never work again?

What if this is the beginning of the end? A painful, lonely, bitter end with

pity of your family as your only solace?

What if I flush you down my toilet?

I'd see your future there.

Oh, oh, you know, Carol, I should have known that Ben was crazy when he told me

that you were bragging to all your friends about me.

What? Well, look, Carol, you have never, ever in your entire life believed in

me. So how could you possibly understand this now?

What I want you to do is just keep your mouth shut until I tell Mom and Dad the

news after they see me on TV. Okay? Can you do that? Huh? Can you? Can you? Yes.

Good.

Mike, whether you know it or not, I love you.

I support you.

know what to say.

See? Anybody can ask Bozo.

Five minutes to New York teeth.

That's right, Mom. He plays Bukowski, the heroic rookie who takes a bullet and

dies in the line of duty.

Oh, and you'll call Mark and Stacy for me?

Great, thanks.

Is there anyone on Long Island who doesn't know that Mike's on TV tonight?

Yes.

In less than five minutes, I will be seen by producers and agents all across

country, and they will be beating a path to my door.

Whoa -ho, they're early.

No, Mike, this is my lovely date.

Stinky, what are you doing here? You invited me. Hey, Mike, thanks for having

at your debut.

Oh, sure, it's real...

start, but you're as punctual as always, dear. That's better.

I'm sure you remember my brother.

It's always enchanting to meet someone who's tasted celebrity.

Stinky!

Fetch!

May I have your autograph?

Oh, wow.

Sure.

Sign it.

To Laura, the sexiest blonde I know.

Your obedient servant, Michael Thiever.

Okay, I'll get the lemonade. You kids pick your seats.

Thanks.

So, would you like to see the room where Mike grew up? Oh, that would be lovely.

This shirt used to be Mike's. Whoa.

And the pants.

So, Mike, have you dropped your bomb yet?

No, that was me.

I'm sorry.

Listen, Carol, I need one more hour of silence. Can you do that?

Okay, everybody sit close together. I want to get everybody in this shot.

Dad, you're taping the show and you're taping us watching it?

Yes, I am.

After the show, I have a little announcement I'd like to make. And

to make sure to save plenty of tape for that.

I'm telling you, you're making the biggest mistake...

You caught me at a bad time, Chief.

Can I call you back after I finish showering?

This is it.

be so hard on yourself. You were just on national TV.

Dad, don't you get it? My lines were cut.

I thought you were going to talk in this show.

get this in perspective here. Let's take a look at what you have accomplished.

Poffing boy, Michael Weaver.

Well, I had a lovely evening. I'm Mike Carroll, Dr. Mrs.

Weaver.

Oh, honey, don't be upset. It was your first... Good job. You did okay.

Yeah, but come on. They picked you. They paid you. They said you did a good job.

Think of it as a learning experience.

Sort of like school.

Well, on a happier note, Mike, what's the big announcement?

Announcement? Uh, well, uh... I'll tell them, Mike.

No, you won't. Yes, I will. No, Cheryl. Well, it's just that you two shouldn't

worry this will go to Mike's head and make him drop out of school.

Because Mike knows he has a lot to learn.

very mature point of view.

I never doubted you for a minute.

Let's get that cake.

All right, so what's going on here, Carol? You're covered for me.

Okay, I'll admit it. I'm not totally grossed out to be related to you.

Oh, come on. Don't go getting all mushy on me here now, Carol.

It's just that when I saw you on TV before, I mean, I felt something about

that I've never felt before.

It's...

Carol, you're proud of me?

Yeah. Who knew?

So you really were bragging to all your friends about me?

Bragging is such a strong word.

So you really meant it when you talked about being on my side and supporting me

and loving me?

Yeah.

We'll be back in a moment.

Oh, sweetheart, just because you're being evaluated doesn't mean you're

be fired.

You're a good reporter. They're going to realize that.

That's true.

I am a good reporter.

Oh, remember that story on gingivitis? Please.

And that cute little dog wedding? Honey, when that little beagle caught the

bouquet in his teeth, I cried.