Original subtitles

Is that the mailman?

Who got the mailman leaving?

What, not even a hello for your dear sweet brother?

Hello, is that the mailman leaving?

Carol, your lack of sincerity wounds me. Mike, where's the stinking mail?

It's right over there on the counter.

It's not here.

Again, it's not here.

Well, don't worry, Carol. Maybe tomorrow you'll get that letter from 116th and

Broadway, New York City, 10027.

You have it.

A lot of women say that.

Mike, give me my letter from Columbia.

Oh, you mean Columbia School of Broadcasting? Not affiliated with the

network or its own and operated station?

Where's the letter, headlamp? Oh, you're talking about Columbia University, the

only college that you applied to, the place you had your overworked hard sit

right? I'm getting a knife. Okay, okay.

Okay, what if I had seen this alleged letter?

Thick or thin?

You was a letter.

Mike was a letter. Thick like a thanks but no thanks rejection.

Or thick like we'll see in the fall acceptance.

It was not even a thank you.

Thank goodness.

Thick like your head. Like an acceptance to a real school.

Want to smell it, Mike? I mean, this is the closest you'll ever get to the Ivy

League.

Welcome, Carol Seaver, to the Columbia University class of 1993 and a half.

freshman orientation begins December 23rd, 1989.

December 23rd?

Oh, no!

It's not fall, that's winter!

And that's a real school?

until the winter semester.

How dare they defer my brightest child.

I am in the room here.

We know that, Mike.

Maggie, don't worry about it. It's only for one semester and it's not the end of

the world.

Now it's your brightest child, Fed.

If you want me out of here, just say the word. The word.

Oh, and look, by the way, if you're going to go upstairs to cheer up Carol,

advise you not to use words like reject, loser, or belly up.

Kitchen, right.

Poor Carol.

Honey, I think the important thing for Carol to understand here is that this

little hitch is just one of those bumps in the rocky road of life that over the

long haul makes us a better driver.

Confident we can handle our rig.

Thank you.

I don't think Carol's going to have any use for truck talk.

What Carol needs is good old -fashioned, straightforward logic from a sensible

parent.

I'll talk to Carol. Why don't you grab a cup of joe and gas up your rig?

Carol, this is no time for emotion. You must force yourself to look at this

analytically, so just dry your eyes.

They're dry. You sound disappointed.

Yeah, well, I mean, no.

I mean, with you being reject... Rejected?

You can say it, Mom. Let's not run from it. I mean, it's time for good old

-fashioned, straightforward logic, don't you think?

Which is why I want to remind you that you have been accepted to Columbia.

is no small achievement. Which is no small achievement.

It's just one of those bumps in the rocky road of life that'll make me a

driver. Confident you can handle your rig.

What race?

Sweetheart. What's important here is that you don't feel like a reject and a

loser who went belly up.

Not that anyone else is thinking that.

Mom, everything's going to be fine. You're not just saying that.

Wait till you hear how I'm going to spend the next three months

Al Flandin Junior College.

I'll take a double course load because the work couldn't be very challenging.

Mike goes there.

And that way, even if only half my A's are transferable, I'm doing just fine.

So you don't need me at all to comfort you.

Oh, Mom, is that why you came up here?

Kind of.

Well, you want to lay on the bed and kick our feet like Deborah Winger and

Shirley MacLaine in terms of endearment?

No.

Maybe just for a minute.

So, Ben, when Carol comes down, please think about what she's going through

right now before you say anything, okay?

So I shouldn't use words like reject loser or belly up?

Oh, like you should.

I just don't see what the big deal is. I mean, Carol should be glad she's

getting an extra long summer vacation.

Well, Ben, it all comes down to expectations.

I mean, there's Carol, a straight -A student, and when she doesn't get

with open arms to the college of her choice, well, it's surprising.

And Mike, on the other hand, suppose Mike had been turned down by an Ivy

college. Well, nobody would... You pass the mustard.

Hello, Cedar Man.

Mike.

Carol. I didn't expect to see you so bubbly. Out of the tub.

Well, what can I say? I'm resilient.

Well, I see you talked to her, huh?

This is just part of my journey down life's rocky road.

Yes, and my advice worked out.

Really, I didn't use a word of it.

Yeah, right.

Mike, do you have the new landing course catalog?

Yeah, but I'm using it.

For what? To keep your table legs even?

Uh, why?

Well, I've decided to take some courses there this semester.

Yeah, right.

I'm serious, Mike. You and I will both be matriculating at Alf Landon this

Shh, Carol.

It means going there.

She's not kidding, Mike.

She's not?

Carol, why would you go there?

I'm sorry, Mike. I didn't mean to insult your alma mater.

It means your school.

Mike, don't worry. I'll only be there

for a few months. Then you'll have the rest of your seven or eight years there

to yourself.

I don't feel like having you matriculating all over my alma mater.

Dad, I'll... Granted, I won't learn much, but I'll pile up some credits for

semester.

Well, that makes a lot of sense, as usual.

I just want somebody to explain to me how come after all those years of Mike

doing nothing and Carol working her book... working hard, how did they both

up at the same school?

I mean, this isn't giving me much of an incentive.

Well, Ben, there really is a very simple answer here, and it's one that, um...

that your father would be happy to explain.

Yes, well, I think, once again, this just comes down to expectations. And,

frankly, I wasn't expecting to answer this question.

I think what your mother wanted to say here, and she would have said it if she

had the thoughts, and not that she thinks, but she thinks that there is a

college for everyone. And Alf Landon is certainly a great, you know, get -ready

-for -college kind of college.

A get -ready -for -college kind of college? And, Mike, I'm not saying that

not a real college. It is accredited. It has freestanding buildings, but...

So you're saying all Carol's hard work got her nowhere.

No, I'm not.

Carol's hard work got her into Columbia University.

Eventually.

And, Mike, if you had worked just a little harder, you wouldn't be going to

fine institution.

You're saying both Mike and Carol are going there because they're desperate.

Yes.

No, no, I'm not saying that. I'm not. I'm saying Al Flanagan is a...

It's a place that's suitable for many of the travelers down

life's rocky road.

Nice, Jason. Whip out the rocky road thing.

Maggie, come on. I'm just saying that our kids, each of them knows inside

themselves, deep down, exactly why they're there, right?

Right. You said if I didn't, you'd raise my rent.

Carol?

Carol?

I can't go to that bozo place.

I've been kidding myself. What am I going to do?

Carol? Carol?

Oh, fine.

Fine. No one stay here and console me.

sweetheart. I don't want to talk about it. Well, we want to talk to you about

it. Even though I'm a reject and a loser who went belly up?

Who said that to you?

Mom.

Carol, let me communicate a sense of perspective here.

I think what your mom is trying to say, Carol... You too, Dad. There is nothing

that anybody can say or do for me right now.

Nothing? Nothing.

Can I bring you up your lunch?

Yes.

And soda with a lemon.

Oh, Mom.

Carol, on the interstate of life... You're so right about what you

said downstairs.

I mean, how can I go to a school that has an exchange program with a prison?

That's a work study. program, and from what your brother tells me, a lot of

those girls have been able to turn their lives around.

And I got good grades, Dad. Perfect grades.

I mean, this isn't fair. I feel like there is nothing I can do with my life

right now.

It's over.

Finished. The end of the line for Carol Ann Seaver. All my plans, gone with the

wind.

Sweetheart, aren't you being a tad overdramatic?

responsible one's life has been snuffed out. Oh, come on, honey. It's only for

three months.

But three months without papers or tests or homework, without the jealousy of my

peers.

You know, there is a life outside of school.

Dad, stop talking crazy. Oh, that sounds crazy to you? Yes.

Well, Carol, you know, there's going to come a time in your life when school

isn't part of it.

When?

Well, what do you plan to do after Columbia?

Go to graduate school.

Yeah, and after that?

Get my doctorate. And then what?

A doctorate's not enough for you?

I have an idea, Carol. I think I know exactly the best way for you to spend

next three months.

You should be going to the biggest university in the world.

Ohio State?

No. No, the workplace.

Where's that?

It's all around you, Carol.

Dad, you're talking crazy again.

Carol, no, I'm talking about the University of Life.

Is this a religious institution?

Carol, get a job.

A job? Yes.

Come on, it's time you learned a little bit about the world outside the

classroom. There is one, you know.

I'd rather go to Al Flandin. Honey, what are you afraid of? It's only for one

semester.

Have some guts. Be a quitter.

Drop out of school.

The mind can be a beautiful thing to waste.

I missed an awful lot, didn't I?

So, Miss Seaver, to sum up, you've never had a part -time job, you've never had

a summer job, and you have no job skills at all. Is that right?

Well, I did some babysitting once.

Twice, really?

Twice. Okay, all right, once. Twice is not really true.

I mean, they didn't pay me because the kid took off.

He was fine, though, once I got the paint off.

Let me check unskilled miscellaneous jobs.

Are you double -jointed?

Sorry. I've been trying to fill that job for years.

I don't know how they get away with calling it a circus.

What's the matter?

Oh, I always have trouble getting back to the main menu.

There. Are you familiar with this program?

No, but this is a simple binary language.

Uh -huh.

Now could you punch up skilled jobs?

There. And now the subheading word processing.

Sure.

What are we looking for?

A job for someone very skilled with computers.

But I thought we were looking for a job for me.

Oh.

Do that with me too, Dad.

No, Ben. We had to stop you from gnawing your foot off.

Carol's on her way, Dan, and I want you boys to be very supportive.

Give me a C.

Give me an A.

A little subtler, Mike.

Give me an R.

Wait till you see the outfit I bought Carol.

Carol, I can just tell that you were going to hit that company like a ton of

bricks and knock the publishing world on its ear.

Benny, I got the best joke right now, and I can't do a thing about it.

Mom, it's not even an entry -level job.

Well, just remember, from little acorns do the mighty oaks grow.

Well, before anybody says anything else supportive, let's just see if I get

through one day.

You bet.

Absolutely.

Your father and I are so proud of you.

Yeah, but you're proud of Mike, too. Let's go.

You got a point.

As I said before, I'm only going to say this once.

I like my page endings neat and clean. Neat and clean.

Split a word, lose your job.

Welcome aboard.

Yes, sir.

And what about punctuation?

Ah, that is not our business. That belongs to those punks in the

department. Period.

Forget I said that.

Now, you will sit here with our other page -break persons.

They don't like me saying ladies anymore since Big Al joined the group.

Yo.

This is your workstation.

No decorations, no photographs, no mementos, nothing of wonder or beauty

whatsoever.

Gee, Tom.

Is he as mean as he seems?

He doesn't spare me.

My hands are shaking. Why do I care about this job?

The word comes to work, we'll get fired.

Then I'll just go to... Can't go anywhere.

Page 52?

Three hours and you're only on page 52?

I'm sorry, I'm reading as fast as I can.

Reading?

What have I told you page breakers a hundred times?

I'm only on page one.

No reading.

Sorry.

Ever since you got here, this place has gotten really tense.

This is the first... time in 12 years of school i've ever had a teacher yell at

me wait a minute he's not my teacher he's my boss oh this keeps up he's gonna

fail me for sure

lunch

dear

Want to have lunch with me?

Oh, I promised my mom we'd have lunch.

Great, let's go.

No, me and my mom, not you.

Oh.

So you get a half an hour?

Good, right.

Wait, we only get a half hour for lunch?

Oui, oui.

Hello, Maggie Malone.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, Carol, great. I've been waiting for your call. How's it going?

Fine, just fine.

I mean, so I work. for a tyrant. So I stare at words I'm not allowed to read.

I'm sitting next to a guy named Big Al who's waving his egg at me.

Big Al?

Mom, I gotta go. I've only got 28 more minutes left in my lunch hour.

Make that 27.

Bye.

Somebody's waving his egg at my baby.

One more hour and I'm through my first miserable day.

and 89 more to go.

Are you insane?

You're reading.

But I found a mistake. Read it.

I dare not.

Who cares if the page break is right, if the text is wrong?

I do.

We could have been so damn good together.

You're standing.

You're not supposed to be standing.

Is there a problem?

No problem.

Good.

Smart move.

Yes, there is a problem.

I don't care if you fire me, but yes, I've been reading.

Well, it's hard to stop when you've been doing it since you were four years old.

Like I always say, I'm only going to say this. Look at this right here.

The term macroeconomics is being misused.

writing about the buying power of senior citizens.

And everybody knows that's microeconomics. And he's a very

so it has to be a typo. All right. Maybe not very intelligent. I mean, he

supplies side theories. He's a supporter with very weak reading. I'm calling

proofreading.

You're dead.

I've been wanting to rub their noses in something like this ever since the colon

incident.

What's your name?

Big Al. Not you.

Seaver. Carol Seaver.

Nice catch, Seaver.

You could all learn something from her.

Teach me.

You stand there so poised and proper in your apron.

Yes. Attend the University of Life. The mind can be a beautiful thing to waste.

Wait, I... So off she goes to some sweatshop where some guy named Big Al is

waving his egg at her.

Honey, I'm not... Oh, Jason, just do me a favor.

When Carol comes home broken and battered, let me be the one that puts

together. Fine.

Fine. Yes.

Oh, Carol. Today...

in a moment.

Next on Growing Pains.

Now, why did you believe that you were about to be scolded?

You. Well, because I've had teachers do that to me.

It's just that the kids in my class know more and have done more than I ever

will. You know, I think I'm just kidding myself about this whole acting thing.

I think, Mike, that this is your dream and only you can decide if the pain is

worth it.