Original subtitles

I've got something I'd like to say.

Well, go ahead, Mikey.

First, I'd like to thank Mom and Dad and Grandma Irma and Grandpa Wally for

showing us all how great love and marriage really can be.

And I've also got kind of a surprise for everybody.

Oh, wait till you hear this.

Do you know what's coming? Yeah, another kid's buying me.

I want you all to know.

Heck, I want the whole world to know that I love Julie Costello.

And I want her to be my wife.

You knew about this?

Well?

Yes.

that romantic?

When I get married, I want it to be on a bug.

You want a whaler?

Hey, can we please just not have any fighting for maybe... What did you know,

Jason, and when did you know it, huh?

Huh?

Maggie, I only found out Mike and Julie were an item an hour ago.

The wedding news came as a complete surprise to me, and I'd be freaked out

now, too, if I weren't trying to calm you down.

You're trying to calm me down? Yes. Well, you're doing a

I didn't.

Didn't you see my eyes go boing?

Well, at that little, and I'll just say it, blonde, since you can start out

taking care of Chrissy and end up taking away my son, she has got another thing

coming. I mean, after what she did, I'm expected to just smile and welcome her

to our family?

You didn't even congratulate us yet.

Welcome to our family.

Show me that smile again. Show me that smile.

Don't waste another minute on your crying.

We're nowhere near the end.

We're nowhere near the best we've ever done.

on a family cruise again next year?

Sure, Ben. Right after we have a family root canal.

Oh, by the way, Mom, that reminds me. Before he left to take Julie home, Mike

said I get his apartment after he gets married.

Oh, is that what Mike says?

So he's making decisions for everybody now. How nice.

Do you think it would be okay with Mike if I took Chrissy upstairs?

Sure, I'm thinking... What'd I say?

Ben, Ben, Ben.

So big in body, so small in... brain.

Haven't you noticed since Mike's big announcement how tense Mom and Dad have

been? Mom and Dad are always tense. What house did you grow up in?

Ben, wake up and smell the nuptials. I mean, the last thing they want is for

Mike to get married.

How's he ever going to have sex?

Forget about sex.

I can't. I'm 12.

This has nothing to do with sex. It has to do with romance and the fact that

Mike is finally doing something mature.

and responsible.

The problem is, Mom and Dad, in their foolish blindness, think if Mike can't

pick up his own dirty socks, he's too young and irresponsible for marriage.

Oh, is that what it is, Carol?

Well, thank you for your razor -sharp analysis.

I'm sure your wisdom comes from all the kids you've raised.

Well, actually, bye.

Dad, all I know is we weren't talking about sex.

We should have never hired Julie in the first place. I mean, putting her and

Mike, two attractive young people in close contact, we were just begging for

something like this to happen.

Hey, Maggie, after all, I hired her. You shouldn't blame yourself.

I wasn't.

But what if they ask us if we want to have kids?

Then you say yes.

But I'm not ready to have kids. Then just say no.

Julie, look, this is not some kind of final exam where they hand out pets and

grade our papers.

This is my family we're talking about.

You're right.

Yeah, look, we're just going to sit down and we're going to break bread

together.

And maybe a few dishes.

What? I'm just kidding.

Okay, how about a kiss for luck?

Do you really think we'll need luck?

Oh, lots and lots of it.

Which one's yours?

Both of them.

I still don't see why I have to eat in the living room with the giant rat.

Your mother and I would like to have a nice private talk.

With Mike and his scheming hussy.

I don't think we have to use terms like scheming hussy. Hello, hello, hello.

Kids, kids, sit down, sit down, sit down.

Would you please check on Chrissy for me?

Just do it!

Maggie, why don't I help you serve this delicious dinner you've been preparing

all day?

Now, don't you feel silly for worrying?

Everybody help themselves here to your mother's all -time famous weenies and

beans.

Well, I was going to make something tasty and delicious, but then I

Maybe you two should get used to the crud most struggling newlyweds eat.

Wiener?

All right, well, that brings us to the real reason that we invited you two over

for dinner tonight.

Look, Dad, we already know the reason, so let's just let the yelling begin,

okay? Now, hold your horses, Mike. There's not going to be any ranting or

over what a stupid thing this is for you to rush into.

Well, we're all open -minded here, aren't we?

Like a civ.

So?

I have come up with a list of 46 items that I call things you haven't thought

enough about.

Gee, Dad, don't you have copies for the rest of us? Matter of fact, I do.

Here you go. Here, everybody gets one.

You can read along, follow the notes. If you want to make a few, you're welcome.

Everybody, let's jump on number one here. Why get married now?

Why not?

We're getting married in three months.

All right, well, then why three months?

Well, why not?

That's it?

That's your answer?

Ha! The wedding's off. Let's eat.

It might fit because we're in love now. Yeah, Dad, we love each other. Well, I

deal with what real love is in the corollary to question 38 there, so we

just move on for now. Let's go to question two.

Where will you live?

In my apartment.

I mean, our apartment.

Well, I do cover... Community property in toto.

Jason, your wiener's getting cold.

Now, let's take a look at number three, then. How will you support yourself?

Well, I have my job here as Chrissy's nanny, and I'm going to get a job at

Columbia University Library after classes.

And you don't mind supporting this bum?

Maggie.

Eddie's dad says that I can work for him on the weekends in his construction

business. It pays like $200 a day.

$200?

Right, okay.

Take a look at number four here. How are you going to keep up with your studies

when you have a brand new wife and a new part -time job?

Well, look, Dad, all I know is that ever since I met Julie, my grades have only

gone up and up. I mean, she makes me study.

He says I'm even tougher than you are.

Well, we'll see, won't we?

Okay, okay.

Let's just move on to number 43.

Can I have another copy? I got weenie juice on my 40th birthday.

Here, take mine. This is getting us absolutely nowhere.

Maggie, we agreed we wouldn't yell at them, remember? Chasing between tabling

corollaries and weenie juice, we've covered absolutely nothing. Oh, good. So

what do you want me to do? You want me to just give up my calm, rational

approach? Should I just blurt out they're about to make the biggest

their lives?

The biggest mistake of our lives? Oh, come on, Mikey. No, it's true.

I mean, you get all swept up in a little forbidden romance, and before you know

it, ba -bing, ba -bang, ba -boom, whoa, and you're scrolling down the aisle.

Forbidden romance?

We hired you to take care of Chrissy's knees, not Mike's.

I did not take care of Mike's knees.

Yeah, what the heck are you talking about, Mom? I don't think we need to get

into that now. Oh, Jason, don't tell me what there's a need to get into.

Listen, I will not sit here and listen to this. Come on.

No.

Oh, sure, when it gets a little tough, you just turn tail and run.

Hey, if you can't stand your mother's poo -poo, this relationship doesn't have

chance.

Maggie, why is the kitchen table set?

I thought you said we were going out for dinner.

No, I said you were going out for dinner.

I said I was sorry about that poo -poo thing.

Jason, it has nothing to do with that. You're going to dinner with Mike.

What's going on?

Well, I just wanted to have a nice, calm chat with Julie.

You know, just the two of us.

No witnesses, huh?

Yeah, right.

You think I'd put arsenic in the goose liver pate?

Here, taste it.

Yeah, maybe later.

Hello. Hello.

So far, so good.

So, Dad, Mom tells me that you want to take me out for a burger.

Yeah, she tells me that, too.

Well, Mike, Jason, you two better get going. I'm going to burn my roast.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hey, Grandma, Grandpa.

Mom, Daddy, you're early.

Early? You didn't mention your parents were coming over.

Well, you could be a little grateful here.

Dad. Grateful?

I mean, we dropped everything to get down here to fill in for this nanny that

you fired.

What?

That's your idea of a calm chat?

Firing the nanny?

Oh, come on, Dad. Don't start acting here. We know you're behind this whole

thing, too.

I am not. Tell him, Maggie.

No, you did this nut bar thing on your own.

I did this nut bar thing on my own.

Oh, sir, I haven't seen him this tense since, uh, well, the last time we were

here.

Do you know what this is about, Miss, uh... We've met before, Mr. Malone. I'm

Julie Christie's nanny, until you told me otherwise.

Oh.

Okay,

okay, so I was gonna canter. Sue me.

Listen, Mom, you cannot fire my future wife.

Hey, nobody's going to fire anybody's future anything, okay? Listen, you're

quitting anything.

Don't tell me what to do.

Excuse me, I know sometimes I'm slow catching on to things.

Sometimes.

But did I just hear you say that you and Mike were engaged?

You bet, Grandma.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Well, it's about time, young man.

What?

I want you two to make me a great grandma real soon.

Oh, Dad, you're not helping me out here.

Super idea to call your parents, Maggie.

Well, at least I was doing something about it, Jason. Well, I'm doing

about it, too. What? I'm trying to think of the next logical step in this thing.

Well, by the time you think of the next logical step, Mike and Julie will be

happily married. And then what are we going to do? Nothing. Because we'll be

happily married.

I just want you to raise your voice. We can have a nice, calm, rational

intercourse here. Margaret!

Now, you see, by that example, I can see why your children are yelling at you.

I guess that Maggie's super idea.

Listen, you guys can say whatever you want, but Julie and I are getting

I mean, we'll elope if we have to, right, Julie?

Mike! And I'm not talking about three months from now, Mom. I'm talking about

tonight. Ba -bing! Ba -bing!

Uh... Ba -boom? Ba -boom!

A family wedding?

Oh, you two must be so thrilled.

How could you say something so crazy like we're a loping? Would you just calm

down? I mean, isn't that something we should talk about instead of you just

blurting it out?

Yes, yes, we'll talk about it, okay?

Calmly and rationally.

So, what do you think?

I didn't subscribe to Brides Magazine for six years just to end up in front of

some justice of peace in some scummy chapel.

it smells bad.

You'd rather just not get married at all?

Yeah.

What?

No.

Yes.

I don't know.

I know.

Let's just elope.

Grandpa, Grandpa, we didn't know you guys were coming.

That was a well -guarded secret.

So, Carol, looks like you're gaining a sister -in -law. And losing a brother.

And I'm gaining an apartment.

Maggie, isn't this Julie the same girl that you've been raving about all these

months? The very same.

And Maggie, didn't you say once you hoped Mike would meet and settle down

girl like Julie?

Mom, of all the things I've ever said, You picked that one to remember?

That Michael is a lucky man.

He is not a lucky man. He is a boy. And when did you two get so lenient? We've

always been lenient.

Mom, Dad, did you two drive 200 miles just to torment us? With the shortcuts I

know? This old copper's cut that down to about 183.

Mom, Dad, why don't you two turn right around and go back to Boston? Maggie!

Maggie! Dear, is something bothering you?

What are you doing? Stop it! Stop it!

Mickey, come on. Under normal circumstances, I would applaud you

parents to hit the road.

Heck, I'd do the wave.

But I think tonight you have strayed from your original purpose.

You're right. Let's find her and fire her. No!

No, no, come on. Whatever happened to the calm, rational discussion?

Whatever happened to the little chat over dinner?

What happened to dinner?

I figured she'd never make it past the pate.

Look, I don't feel so great about what I just did, but I am worried to death

about Mike.

He is this sweet kid who's nowhere near ready for the trials and tribulations of

marriage. I know that, but... Jason, do you remember how tough our first year

together was?

Remember the pain?

We almost didn't make it.

I just love him so much, I don't want to see him hurt.

How do I, honey? But you don't think you should go ahead and... No, no, not at

all. No, but I do think that those two should hear what you just said to me.

Now, come on. I think the four of us should sit down and talk this out

You're right.

All right, now, treat.

Ed, you're not going to tell me just to thread him again, are you?

If I have to.

But enough of this malarkey. I think the four of you should be together in the

same room to talk this... Dad blasted the thing out.

Ed, I couldn't agree with you more.

Okay, what's the head shrinker trying to pull?

Nothing, Daddy.

You know, I was just thinking.

This is all so funny.

You are reacting to Mike's fiancé just as I reacted to Jason.

Call Julie a hippie fleas ball who wanted to be some second -rate rock

Second -rate?

Have I ever said to Mike, until you regain your senses, we will do the

for you? Young man, it's time to nip this thing in the bud.

Jason?

Did you ever hear that demo I cut with the new bass player?

No, I haven't, because I would never talk that way to my son.

Jason, we no longer think of you as a hippie sleazeball.

Oh, thank you, Kate. That's very sweet.

Oh, don't mention it, darling. I just thank God you had absolutely no musical

talent.

You don't have to say another word. I mean, why should you go down there and

treated like a child?

Yeah. Why should you be subjected to that just for defending this little

What?

Listen, that's my future wife you're talking about. Mikey, just between the

of us, you don't marry gals like this.

Gals like this? Hey, listen, Grandpa, as much as I love you, you say another

word, I'm going to have to hit you. Come on. You can't honestly tell me you

think this marriage is a good idea.

I sure can. I think it's a great idea.

And nothing and nobody is going to stand in the way of me marrying Julie because

I love her.

What are you talking to me for?

Go down there and tell your parents that.

I will.

Let's go, Julie.

Grandpa, thanks.

For what?

Calling me a tramp?

My pleasure.

Well, I for one am glad that we're all finally sitting down to reason together.

And I want to apologize for being overly emotional earlier.

Just out of my love for Mike.

I can relate to that.

Right.

Yes, well, just to make sure that this thing starts off right, I want to say

that we accept the fact that you two are going to get married.

What? How?

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. I bet there's a catch.

Relax, there's a catch.

I knew it.

Well, no, the whole issue here, Mike, is...

Really one of timing.

I mean, why do you want to get married in three months? Why not wait a year?

Why do you want to jump into this thing?

There you go again, Dad. Just jump into this thing. I am not jumping, okay? Do

you see anyone in this room who is jumping? We're all sitting.

Look, I'm not going to sit here and be accused of jumping when I am clearly

sitting.

All right, let me rephrase the question. Is this the right time for you to be

planning a wedding?

Planning? They haven't planned diddly.

Well, I'm not going to sit here silently when I know they haven't planned

diddly. You're not sitting. You're standing.

Oh, come on. Come on. Stop it, both of you.

Now, remember I said a little while ago I wanted to think of the next logical

step to this thing?

And? And?

There is no next logical step to this thing.

Thank you, Doctor.

Here's $100.

What do you mean? We've got to start from scratch.

They're not kids anymore. They're adults.

Yes, Jason, but I think...

and I know you do too. And if you won't say it, then I will.

I'll say it.

You should wait.

Look, I don't care what you say. Julie and I are getting married no matter

And I say, until you regain your senses, we will do the thinking for you. Young

man, it's time to nip this thing in the bud.

Nip this thing in the bud?

Oh, my God.

It's true. You do turn into your mother.

But, Jason, when was the last time you heard that?

I don't know. Five minutes ago in the kitchen.

No, no, 20 years ago in my parents' kitchen.

I... I can't do this. I can't do to them what was done to us.

Mike, I am not going to stand in your way.

You're not?

No.

Well, what's the catch this time?

There is no catch.

So you're saying you approve of this marriage?

Not in three months, I don't. But you will never hear another bad word about

from me.

Dad?

I'm with your mother.

But it's a start.

It's a start.

Julie, welcome to the family.

We'll be back in a moment.

I just want you to know that I cannot imagine spending another day of my life

without you.

And I mean that. I am as sure of that as I was the day that I proposed to you.

Mom, look, I am not in the mood to hear one more time all of your sensible

reasons why Julie and I should wait.

So you admit they're sensible reasons?

Mom, you're missing the key idea here.