Original subtitles

Mom, Dad, it's a very generous offer, but I don't need to look over the dorms

Boston College to convince me. I've already made my decision, and I know

want to go next year.

Columbia University in nearby convenient Manhattan.

You're not too disappointed, are you?

Heck, anything that gets you out of the house is fine with me.

Mom, Dad, it's a very generous offer.

But I don't need to look over the dorms at Boston College to convince me. I've

already made my decision, and I know where I want to go next year. Yes! All

right, Carol, you're not going to regret this. You're going to love B .C. as

much as both of us did. Why?

And you thought we were putting too much pressure on her. Ha!

And she made the decision on her own. Well, speaking of pressure... Ta -da!

What's that?

The admissions application for Boston College. I took the liberty of just...

Hello, let's fill that sucker up.

Well, have you ever thought of the possibility that I just might not get

accepted? Yeah, right.

Honey, with your grades and two distinguished alumni as parents, your

application and interview are just formalities.

Interview? Yeah, and if you don't want to make the trip, they'll send somebody

up to meet you and meet us. Of course.

But it's just a formality.

Great.

Hey, Ben, wait till you hear the news.

Carol's going to be going to the same college your mom and I went to.

Anything that gets her out of the house is fine with me.

We'll be right

back.

knows what there.

I mean, if you had just seen their faces, you'd know how impossible it

have been to disappoint them.

Hey, it's never been a problem for me.

Now, once I'm accepted, it'll be, just try it for one semester.

Then they'll say, might as well get your undergrad degree. Then, why not your

PhD? Hey, anything to get you out of the house is fine with me.

Yeah, I might as well accept the inevitable.

Applications mailed, and the interview is next.

Hey, wait a minute. I got a way out. Tell me, tell me. All right, all right.

This interview deal, you could flunk it by belching and smelling bad and stuff.

You need any more ideas, you know where I live.

Hi, honey.

Hey, Mom.

Ooh, a sandwich would be nice.

Mom, can I talk to you about the Boston College decision?

Oh, your dad and I just can't stop talking about it either.

Uh, well...

You know, honey, when you were two, we took you with us to a B .C. reunion.

I actually changed your diaper smack dab in the middle of the quad.

You know, and your dad and I looked out over that campus, and we dreamed this

day would come.

And it's finally here.

You've come a long way from that dirty diaper, old Carol.

I'm sorry, what did you want to tell me?

Don't forget the mustard.

I got it.

I got it.

Hey, I'm a kid, not an idiot.

No, that's not an attitude. That's the way I feel.

By yourself.

Hey, Carol, some guy just called for you. He says he's coming over at 7 if

that's okay.

Tonight? Some guy?

Yeah, says he's from Boston College.

What? Don't worry, Carol. I won't tell your boyfriend you're dating this other

dude. Sandy is not my boyfriend. He's just the only boy I date.

Carol, relax. I can keep a secret.

All right, don't tell anybody about this call, okay? Don't worry.

Hi, who was the phone for?

Some guy for Carol.

Um, it was the wrong number.

He asked for Carol and it was the wrong number?

Uh, sure. What guy would call Carol on purpose?

Carol, don't forget you're making dinner for yourself and Ben tonight.

You're not going to be here tonight?

We're going to our Lamaze reunion, remember?

We want to show you off, Chrissy.

You're not going to be here? Great!

Don't be so thrilled, Carol. We are coming back.

Mike, I need your help.

I know, but I don't do electrolysis.

Oh, boy, I break me up.

Mike, the recruiter from Boston College is coming over tonight to interview me.

What recruiter?

The one I told you about last week.

Now, I figured a plan out, but you have got... to help me. Why have I got to

help you?

Because.

Because you're my brother and you love me.

Because you're a scumbuck and I'll give you 20 bucks?

Done deal.

All right. What's your plan? Well, actually, you gave me the idea when you

I should blow the interview by belching a smelling bad.

Okay. But can you belch?

Mike, listen, okay? Now, Mom and Dad are going out tonight, okay?

So, when this recruited guy gets here, I'll act like a complete fool, blow the

interview, and presto, I'm off to Columbia University.

All right, Carol.

You know, Carol, it saddens me to think of what a sleaze -meister you could have

been if you'd only applied yourself when you were young.

Thank you.

Now, your part in this plan is very, very, very, very simple.

Hey, well, it better be for him. Easily 20 bucks.

Okay, you get two people to pretend they're mom and dad.

What? Well, the recruiter has to meet them, doesn't he?

All right, now I'll meet you downstairs in an hour.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come on, you expect me to go and get a whole new set of parents in an hour?

I could do that in a day.

I've tried.

You're right.

Who am I kidding? This is impossible.

Of course, for 40 bucks, the impossible is possible.

Okay, we should be back from the Lamaze reunion in a couple of hours.

Or whenever we run out of videotape, whichever comes sooner.

All right, Jason, can you give me a hand here, please?

Oh, sure, like I have nothing to carry.

Well, you guys have fun now.

Thanks.

Somebody's making my tuna fiesta.

Come on, you guys, you know how I hate Spanish food.

Well, actually, Ben, it's not Spanish, it's Mexican.

Oh, well, pop my piñata.

Say hello to Dr.

and Mrs. Jason Seaver. Ta -da!

Hi, my real name is Fred.

I'm Wilma. And say that we don't have a daughter named Pebble.

People are supposed to be our parents?

I didn't have a whole lot of time, remember?

Hey, nice place we got here.

A word?

Yeah. Uh, excuse us.

Certainly, you wouldn't have any sherry, would you?

Mike, all right.

Maybe, maybe we can clean Fred up and put one of Dad's suits on him.

But Wilma has no teeth.

Just didn't bring them with me, that's all.

Look, there's been a change of plans here tonight, okay, guys?

It turns out that we're only going to need Fred for this thing.

What do I always tell you?

Wear your teeth.

Listen, Fred, Fred, Fred, why don't we go take you upstairs and get you cleaned

up, and I'll coach you on what to say. What are you looking for, performance

-wise?

This is tuna fiesta.

Mike, it's showtime.

Hi, Bill Jefferson, Boston College.

Carol Seaver, please come in. Thank you.

I apologize for the short notice, but I was on Long Island and personal business

when the admissions office called and said they received your sterling

application and want to work you in.

Yeah, here you are.

May I say that we at BC are thrilled someone of your academic caliber has

applied. Oh, right.

Pleased to choose the way I'm dressed.

I'm working later.

So, uh, I'm anxious to meet your parents.

Well, only my dad's gonna be here. My mom, as you know, is a news reporter and

she's out of town on a story.

Oh, I understand. All the news, it's fit to print, right?

Actually, it's television news. Oh, well, if you don't tell anybody, neither

will I.

I present to you, Boston College.

Mr.

Jefferson, my father.

Oh.

Doc's favor.

It's a pleasure.

I see you're still wearing the Boston College colors.

Oh, yeah.

Say, can I get you a sherry?

No, thank you.

Great. More for me.

It's my brother, Mike.

Hey, you.

What's up?

So, Dr. Steven, I understand that you're a psychiatrist.

Uh, yeah, you better believe it.

See, I'm sorry your wife won't be joining us this evening.

Oh, yes, I'm sick about the fact that Mickey can't be here.

Mickey, isn't that Maggie?

Uh, yeah, Mickey's just my pet name for when we're in the sack.

Let me begin by saying that your high school grades are nothing short of

spectacular. Thank you. Yeah, and can you believe she got those straight A's

after missing six whole months because of reform school?

What? A little misunderstanding over a knife.

We're damn proud of the little slut.

What would you say is your number one reason for wanting to attend Boston

College? Well, that's easy. See, I could never really cut in a real Ivy League

college like Harvard or Yale, so figure, why not cruise through B .C.? Yeah.

Heck, if it's as easy as my pop says it is, then heck, sign me up, too.

Deceiver, is this what you told Carol Boston College is like?

Well, to tell you the truth, bub.

I don't remember much about the actual classes.

Me and Maggie were pretty much into discovering our bodies back then.

That's actually how Mike here came along. Hey, Mike.

Dad, I did it, I did it, just like you told me to.

That a boy.

Benny? Benny.

Man, I punched the snot out of a little kid. I think I've knocked a couple teeth

loose.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just like you say, right, Pop? Oh, right, right.

Like I always tell you, son, never be scared to sucker punch somebody just

because they're a girl in the lower grade.

Now get the hell out of here, you little scum bum.

Hey, kids, huh?

Listen, if you got any problem getting a little girl in, say the word and I'll

slip you a couple of C notes.

What? All right.

300 bucks then.

Young lady, I hope you've made application at other colleges because

you coming to B .C. are zero.

Zilch and zip.

Good evening.

Was it something I said?

there was some talk of 20 bucks?

I'll go get it right now. All right, it's upstairs. Come on.

Dan! What?

Who are you?

Me? This is Dr.

Jefferson, the recruiter from Boston College.

I'd like you to meet my father, Jason Stever.

I'm Jason Seaver.

Oh?

Oh!

Yeah, Dr.

Jefferson was just waiting to start the interview until you guys got here.

Nobody knew about this?

Well, it looked like Ben took the message, and, well, he messed it up

usual. Little scum bum.

Why don't you guys go and take the baby stuff upstairs and we'll get this movie

started. All right.

We'll be right down, Doctor.

Yes, just give me a moment to put the baby down.

Why are you dressed like that?

To make the turn of fiesta more festive.

Great. All right, come on. Let's go.

Who are those people and what are they doing in our house?

So lay that 20 on me and I'll just be, uh...

Moseying along. Listen, Fred, Fred, how would you like to double your money for

another part?

A college recruiter.

A challenging dual role?

Okay. All right.

Mike, do you think this is wise? What else do you want to do, huh? You want to

tell them the truth?

Look, Mom and Dad are expecting an interview, so we'll give them an

You're going to get a rejection letter. We already took care of that. So this

way, Mom and Dad are none the wiser, and you get to go to Columbia.

I hear all of South America is just lovely.

I wanted to wear my Boston College blazer tonight. No, you wouldn't. It has

gravy on the sleeve. No one would notice. I would.

Well, I wanted to wear my Boston College blazer tonight, but wiser heads

prevail.

Hi, I'm... Mickey. I know.

Isn't Mickey his pet name for you?

No. No, it isn't.

I could have sworn I heard that somewhere.

Well, whatever.

Nice to meet you.

So, Doctor, can I get you anything?

Uh, a sherry would be lovely.

Right.

Sherry.

Sherry? In the cabinet.

Probably just a lucky guess.

Sorry I'm all out. Can I get you anything else? Uh, sure.

What? Like you said, anything else.

So, Dr.

Jefferson, is it normal to schedule these interviews on such short notice?

Uh, normal?

Uh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, Mom. See, Dr.

Jefferson said that he was just in town on some personal business when the

school called him in and asked if he could schedule Carol in.

Really? Yes, is that so hard to believe?

Listen, honey, just relax.

Well, let's get started.

I have to tell you, as a straight -A student, that this interview is just a

formality, especially with two distinguished graduates as parents.

Uh, Jason, I understand you're a proctologist.

Uh,

psychiatrist.

Oh, that's very different.

Uh, Carol, what's your number one reason for wanting to attend Boston

University? Uh, isn't it Boston College?

Well, it's obvious you haven't read the alumni flyers.

We're expanding into a full university.

Go on.

Well, I hear that the coursework is very challenging and that the academics are

stressed over social activity.

Uh -huh.

Have you thought about a major yet?

Well, actually, I was planning on... Let me guess.

You're going to follow in your old man's footsteps and study podiatry.

Psychiatry.

Excuse me.

I believe this is Carol's interview.

Okay.

Well, excuse me, but I'm finding the whole tone of this interview to be...

Jefferson, you didn't have any more questions. I had taken up enough of your

time, and it was a pleasure meeting you.

Dr. Sievert, if you want to see your girl get in, no problemo. I got a way to

go. A couple of C -notes right in my pocket.

bucks then. I beg your pardon. Okay, I'll take five.

Look, I don't know what... Whatever you got in your pocket.

Hey, what are you still doing here?

Still?

Don't anybody move.

Something very strange is going on around here. We're going to find out

is. Now, I know I've missed the last few college reunions, but I know that my

old school hasn't become a place.

I might rush to get out of this nut house.

Forgot my pop -up.

Excuse me.

And frankly, Dr. Seaver, I am personally going to speak to the regents about

this repulsive display.

Dr. Seaver?

That's not Dr.

Seaver. I'm Dr.

Seaver. Now, who the hell are you?

Bill Jefferson from Boston College.

No, you're not.

He is.

Aren't you?

There wouldn't be gravy on your sleeve, would it?

believe that you went to all that trouble just because you were afraid to

us you didn't want to go to the same school as your mom and I went to? Me

either. Jason, I told you that you were putting far too much pressure on me. He

put too much pressure on me?

Mom, when you told me that you took me to Boston College and changed my diaper

right in the quad and you got all weepy, I was afraid of breaking your heart.

Oh, Carol, are you implying that your mother and I created an atmosphere in

which you could not tell us how you felt?

I'm not implying it. I'm flat out saying it.

So you went through this whole charade just so you wouldn't hurt our feelings?

Yes.

And if you look at it in that light, my deception was an act of love.

Don't push it. Yes, ma 'am.

Well, I can't believe we were putting all that pressure on Carol and didn't

realize it.

Yeah.

Chrissy, you can go to any college you choose. You don't have to pick the best

one in the nation.

Boston College.

Nice, Maggie.

Your tuna fiesta was delish. Who are you?

For one brief, shiny moment, I was Maggie Seaver, journalist.