Original subtitles

Hey, Ben, if this Amy girl that you're so hot for already said yes to the

then what's your problem?

Yes! All right, the pressure's on. You missed this. You've got C -A -R -O.

My problem is Mom and Dad have never really officially signed go -out -on

yet. Yes, my young hornball, but have they officially said that you cannot go

out on these dates? No.

So then what's your problem? Shoot the ball.

All right, all right.

Ooh, that's C -A -R -O, and I've only got a C.

Okay, here we go.

Mike, Mom and Dad have got that long -standing rule that if you don't ask

permission, you can't... Hey, Benny, Benny, Benny, Benny, let's go down to

toilet when romance walks in the door.

You did it, son.

Talk to you guys later. Let's just ask Julie. No way.

Ask me what? Nothing. It's about girls.

Baby, you can ask me. I probably know more about girls than Mike does.

I doubt that.

And yet I don't.

Well, it's kind of a guy thing.

Well, I'm sure whatever Mike says, it'll be good advice.

Oh, thank you.

For what?

For believing in me.

What's not to believe in?

am I supposed to do about my date with Amy?

Benny, I know.

We'll let God decide.

I think he's going to decide with Mom and Dad.

No, no, no, no, no. Ben, listen.

If you make the shot, then you go out with Amy. And if you don't, then, uh,

I have a secret relationship with Julie.

Huh? Just kidding.

Well, it's midnight. My guest would be in bed.

He's not. He snuck out. On a date.

Oh, well, that little hornball.

Amy Bowen's mother called and wanted to talk to Amy. I said, she's not here. She

said, well, there must be some mistake.

So I went in to talk to Ben, and what do you think I found?

Three pillows.

Two pillows. What do you know about this, Mike?

Well, look, all I know is that that young lad broke a long -standing fever

and he should be punished and punished severely.

Now I shall enjoy my bologna.

That's him.

Let's get him.

We know all about your secret date, young man. Yeah.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I should have told you.

Carol. That's her, all right.

This is getting good.

We thought you'd been in bed the last four hours.

Exactly what kind of a date was this?

Exactly what kind of a date was this?

But you snuck out. We didn't meet him. We didn't know where you were. You know

the rules.

Longstanding, I believe.

What is going on here? I've got two kids who snuck out and the one who didn't

I'm not too thrilled with.

Ben snuck out? Yes.

On a date? Yes.

And where do you think he learned such behavior?

That's him. Let's get him.

woke up, got dressed, flipped up my collar, and came down for a snack?

You really don't feel I'm sloughing off my parental duty by having you handle

both punishments?

No. No, you won the coin toss fair and square.

Very adult of you.

Ben, Ben, Ben.

Yes, yes, yes.

What you did last night was wrong.

Now, we have to know where you are at all times, and that's not negotiable,

right?

Now, what do you have to say for yourself?

Just that I love you both very, very much.

You don't have the chops for that Mike stuff, okay?

But you're getting there, and that scares me.

Thank you. That was not a compliment, Ben.

Come on, I want an explanation.

Well, Dad, Amy Bowen is so pretty. I just want to go out with her, just her

me, for a whole movie.

Which, by the way, was rated G.

Well, Ben, don't think I don't remember what it's like being a 12 -and -a -half

-year -old boy.

All I know is whenever I see Amy shake those red bangs out of her eyes, I just

melt.

Well,

there is something about redheads, isn't there?

For me, it was freckles.

What?

Yeah, I can still remember Rosalind Blatter hanging from that jungle gym.

Freckles from here to Tuesday.

Amy has this really cute way of touching your arm when you're reaching for a

pencil. Like it was an accident?

Yeah, but she knows she's doing it.

Ben, they all know.

Dad, I know I wouldn't have done any of that bad stuff if I had been able to

think. Well, don't be so hard on yourself, Ben. But I disappointed you.

Look, you went to a movie. That's all you did with a girl.

I'd be a little disappointed if you didn't.

And I think that you've learned your lesson about disobeying me and your mom.

Oh, I did. I did.

All right.

So your punishment this time, Ben, is going to be a stern warning.

Okay? But I also want your assurance that this won't happen again. Your

worries. It won't. It won't. Good.

Hey, Ben.

Get out of here, you lady killer.

disappointed in me. What you did... That'd be wrong.

Yeah, then if you'd have... That's so much better for me. I'm doing the

punishment. I get to talk, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Well, see, there's this guy Charlie in my trick class, and he is really, really

cute. Shy.

So when out of the blue he asked me to the movies, I... Is there anything,

Carol, in what you're going to say that will change the fact that you broke a

long -standing fever rule? Dad, I can explain... sneaking out of the house.

not talking about that rule. I'm talking about the other Seaver rule. We have to

meet your friends and we have to know where you're going to be at all times.

thank you for pointing out that you broke two Seaver rules.

I didn't plan on breaking any rules. It just happened.

Yeah, I mean, don't you remember when you were young? I remember obeying my

father's rules.

Don't you ever remember losing your head over a really cute guy?

Not that I can recall.

I did was wrong. You bet it was. Did you know the rules? Did you break the

rules? Were you under the control of alien beings?

No, then you are grounded for two weeks. Two weeks?

Dad, I've learned my lesson. You have my assurance that this will not happen

again. Wait a minute. That's exactly what you said the last time this

So you are grounded for a full month. Are we clear?

All right, Betty, you got a warning?

You're almost as good as I am when I was your age.

That's dancing.

Wow, I made an impression on the man.

What are you so happy about, squirt? My punishment.

Yeah, well, I guess a month grounding doesn't mean much to someone with your

limited horizons.

Dad grounded you for a month?

Uh -huh.

You know, my respect for that man grows more and more every day.

Why? What did you get, Ben?

Well, I don't think I should tell you. Come on, Ben. How long were you grounded

for? Well... Two weeks? One week? What is that?

Hey, get off his back.

He got a warning.

A warning? A stinking warning?

Plus, my word that I'd never do it again.

Well, pardon me while I pop my pantyhose.

Hey, all I really did was break one of Mom and Dad's rules.

It's two rules, and I did the same thing, you little rodent.

I believe calling your brother a furry little animal violates fever rule number

six. That's bad.

Ah, ah, ah, fever rule seven.

Hey, Mike, come in. Me and Dad are going to watch the next game. Oh, yeah, in a

minute.

I do not get this at all.

Well, then, obviously, Carol, you are missing a very important point.

What? Well, that you're a girl and Ben is, although he's a small one, a guy.

That's sexism.

Hey, look, Carol, if you feel that strongly about it, then just stop

your armpits.

Mom! Carol, it won't do you any good to appeal your punishment to me. Your

father spoke for both of us. Mother, there is something I must tell you.

There is a sexist male in our midst.

What sleazy thing did Mike say to you?

Mom, I'm talking about a bigger pig, the man you married.

Carol, that is very disrespectful.

No one calls your father a pig but me.

You got a second?

Yeah, in a minute, honey.

Next you're down by two. Last minute of the game. See, Carol has this silly idea

that... Driving?

Driving? Yes!

Yes! It's all dried up!

Oh, this is almost as good as you getting off with no punishment. You said

Yeah, next commercial, honey.

The next commercial is here.

Maggie, what is it? We got Ewing dribble -driving down the lane here.

Is television really more important than family life? It is to me.

Ben, go to your room now.

Well, look, I'm going, too.

And, Dan, look, I don't know what civil rule you broke, but you are in big, big

trouble.

We are just going to have a simple discussion.

All right, all right. Just one word of advice for you, Dad. Remember, you're a

man. I know that, but... I'm kidding, Meg. I'm kidding.

But what's so important?

Jason, honey, I think you've sent the wrong message with these punishments

you've handed out.

What message?

Well, I'm a little embarrassed to say, but Carol thinks that the reason that

was punished and Ben wasn't is because you're sexist.

Well, it's totally wrong.

I knew it was. I should hope so, yeah. I told her it was all a misunderstanding.

I knew you had very good reasons for giving out different punishments. You

did.

What were they?

Do you want to hear them now?

Oh, no, no, no. I don't need to hear them. Okay.

This is the most incredible game in the history of the NBA.

They took... Just in case Carol asked me, I should know.

Okay, well, in Carol's case, she knew the rules, but she snuck out anyway with

boy we'd never met, all right? It was her second offense, that's why I doubled

the ground. Uh -huh. Now, in Ben's case, he's a young lad.

He's got those raging hormones.

He sees a pretty girl and he lost his head, so who could blame him?

Uh -huh.

Did you mention it to Ben that he's still six months away from being old

to date?

Not specifically, no, but I... Did you tell him that his sneaking out caused us

both to walk the floor with worry?

In a roundabout way, yes. I brought up that the core issue here... Did you

mention anything specifically in a non -roundabout way? I certainly did.

Sort of.

Like what?

Well, like I told him, you're worried.

Those were my exact words. I said, your mother is worried.

Jason, listen to yourself.

Honey, what's your point?

Well, I think Ben got off easy because he's a guy.

I don't like what you're accusing me of.

Well, I don't feel so hot myself.

Come on. Don't you remember back in the days when you were burning bras?

Who was always there with a full box of matches?

You'll laugh later.

Jason, I don't know what to say.

Honey, I think you're just looking at this in very simplistic terms.

Simplistic? It doesn't matter what I'm going to say or do right now with it.

You're going to just be stuck there in this illogical rut.

Illogical rut? My choice of words may not be ideal. But isn't that what you

meant? Why are you offended? I'm the one being accused of being a sexist.

If the snout fits, wear it.

Well, now, if you didn't think that I could handle the punishment fairly, why

did you agree to the coin flip?

Oh. Maggie, come on. Please, come down here. Come on. Both of us, just calm

down. Oh, and forget that I'm a simplistic, illogical female stuck in a

I'm game if you are.

Ben, Ben, Ben.

Yes, yes, yes.

You know the rules of the house.

Yeah, and I thought one of them was you couldn't get tried for the same crime

twice.

No, Ben, that's the United States. This is Seaverland.

But, Mom, Amy Bowen is... so pretty.

I mean, I just wanted to go out with her.

Don't you remember what it's like to be a 12 -year -old boy?

Not that I recall.

Well, Ben, does anything that you're about to say change the fact that you

three long -standing receiver rules? Three?

You snuck out, you met a date we didn't know, and you're not old enough to date.

This is getting worse and worse, and I'm just standing here.

Save it, Ben. Now for your punishment.

No TV for a month.

Starting tomorrow.

Oh,

Mom, Mom.

Carol, be quiet. I'm going to do the tossing. Sorry. What were you thinking?

count on you. You're my daughter.

I know.

I expect these kind of shenanigans from the boys, but you... Mom, I lost my

head. I mean, yesterday when Charlie asked me out, I... Charlie McGinley?

Uh -huh.

From trig class?

Uh -huh.

The cute one you told me about with the... jeans?

That's the one.

Wow.

I know.

Well, anyway, when he asked me out yesterday, I was afraid to tell you. I

this guy is so cute, Dad would have hated him for sure.

That cute, huh?

Cuter. Well, anyway, you know, I'd been flirting with him for weeks to ask me

out, but not too much because I didn't want him to think that I was a tease.

But on the other hand, I didn't want him to think that I was a cold fish.

Oh, Mom, being 17 can be so horrible.

Oh, honey.

You know what?

I thought that Charlie might be interested in me when I noticed that he

seemed to be tying his shoe by my locker. Well, as Shelly said, it wasn't

accident, and he knew what he was doing.

Carol, they all know.

And, Mom, he looked so adorable in his gym shorts.

Oh, those gym shorts.

Did I ever tell you about Claude Tyler?

No.

Well, he was on the basketball team and I was the cheerleader. We went steady

all senior year.

I dumped him after graduation.

He didn't have a lot upstairs, but I'll... Oh, I'll never forget those gym

shorts.

Mom.

Mom.

It's only me.

I brought the groceries.

Hi, Julie. See you next commercial.

Hi, Ben.

What? Gotcha.

What the heck are you doing here on Saturday?

I couldn't stay away.

Oh.

White bread.

Rye bread.

What's the matter, Benny?

Mom overruled Dad, and I got a month of no TV.

Oh, whoa, how the heck did that happen?

But, Mike, I'm starting to believe you. You can't trust women at all.

Uh, what I said was the only people you can trust are women.

We're going into triple overtime.

I don't know about you, but Mad Dogs couldn't drag me away from this one.

is coming up next.

Are you happier?

We're going to find out if Jane's career is over or just on hold. Can't we watch

the next game?

Julie, what are you doing here? Oh, just dropping off the groceries. I gotta

run. Oh, you got a date?

Kinda.

Well, I was hoping this guy would drop over about 8 and we'll probably watch

some TV and order in Chinese.

Sounds like fun.

Bye -bye.

Yeah, well, I might go out on a date myself tonight.

Wait a minute. What happened to your punishment?

I'm doing it.

What, to make you walk around with a goopy look on your face?

For your information, I have to...

I practiced dishes all week. It was your week anyway.

That's it?

That is all Mom gave you? And I got a month of no TV?

Go, go, shoot it, shoot it. So, what did you give Ben? Next commercial.

Wow, great rebound.

Maggie, is TV really more important than sex? What a shot!

Maggie, are you nuts? They're in quadruple overtime.

I merely wanted to see how you remedied the situation, dear, so that I could

learn to become a better parent in the future.

Let the wisdom begin.

That is the most unfair thing I've ever heard.

Look, if I were you, Benny boy, I would not stand for this. I know sexism when I

smell it. Me too.

Smells like cheap cologne.

Cheap?

What is it? I think that maybe your punishment gave our children the wrong

message. What?

Yeah. You know, that certain mothers can give certain daughters certain breaks.

Oh, Jason, are you accusing me, Ms. Maggie Malone, of sexism?

If the bra fits, burn it.

Oh, Jason, you can't help but feel this way. I mean, you're just blinded by your

own narrow -mindedness. Narrow -mindedness? Possibly my choice of words

perfect. Now, that's incredible. You don't even know how wrong you are.

Didn't you let your son off scot -free? Didn't you let your daughter off scot

-free? Well, I just gave my daughter a little understanding because I know how

tough it is to be 17, female, and dealing with boys.

And I know how confusing it is to be a boy who suddenly wakes up one day and

finds he betrayed his immortal soul just for a nice few of freckles.

I can't say it any clearer.

Jason, can't you even consider the possibility that you were easier on Ben

Carol? Of course I was.

What? Not because I'm sexist, Maggie. It's just common knowledge.

Both parents are always much tougher on daughters than sons.

Oh, it's not common anything.

Well, it should be.

Men are such jerks. That's why I was so tough on Ben.

Maggie, listen to yourself.

Well, I do know this. I am no more sexist than... than... But what, than I

You want to hug a sexist?

Do you?

I'm thinking.

So we want to talk to you about improving the punishment situation.

That's exactly what I wanted to talk to both of you about.

Well, I, for one, think things have gone wonderfully.

We're talking about injunctions.

Ooh, let me get a good seat.

Doesn't really concern you, Mike.

Hey.

Serious and just as anywhere concerns me.

From now on, I will be handling all of Carol's punishments. All right!

And I will be handling all of Ben's punishments. All right!

Woo -hoo!

Neither of you are going to get away with anything.

That's right!

From now on in Seaverland, your mother and I will be able to use our sexism for

good instead of for evil.

Whoopee! So, Ben, your month of no TV stands.

Carol, your month of grounding stands?

Heck, if you ask me the two of you are getting off easy.

Especially you, Carol.

Everybody knows that girls are supposed to be better than boys, right, Dad?

I'm not saying anything.