Original subtitles

Jason, isn't it a little early to start the baking?

Hey, not in this family. The only way I can get a slice is to cook it early. The

earlier, the better. That's ridiculous.

Not ridiculous, Maggie. That's self -defense.

Smooth, Maggie. Very smooth.

Hello. Uh -huh.

Who's this?

That's impossible.

I don't have a favorite father -in -law.

It's Daddy?

Ed, how are you?

How close?

They're close?

Stopping by.

When? They're coming here?

Yeah, no, no, that's nice of you to call first, Ed.

For a change.

When? So, uh, when can we expect you?

lunatics honking his horn here. Jason. Okay. Here, you talk to your father

I go yell at one of Mike's friends.

Hi, Daddy.

Why are you laughing?

Hey, you people are trying to sleep it.

Aren't car phones wonderful?

Mom, they're here.

Aren't car phones wonderful?

Daddy, Mom, the cross -country trap.

Hey, you still don't have much of a grip, do you?

Good to see you too, Ed.

What happened to the Winnebago?

Oh, your father swapped it for this with some pimp in Cincinnati.

Mom, how do you know what a pimp looks like?

I know every song ever recorded by Gladys Knight and the pimps.

Now take me to meet my new granddaughter.

This is some car you got here.

I feel it's good for a fellow's attitude if you get my drift.

Yeah, well, does that mean your days on the road are over?

Well, we're going to give retirement condo living a try.

I want to know what it feels like to sit around and do nothing all day long.

He sure seems to agree with you.

Is that bacon I'm smelling now?

No. It's got to be.

Wait till I get my tote bag. You know me and bacon.

Yes, I do.

I'll see you inside.

Hey, Grandpa, aren't you all great?

Hey, how you doing? Sure, I was great.

How do you like my wheels? Oh, well, this thing is harder than you said.

Well, a hot car for a hot guy.

Listen, my bird, is everything all set up?

Oh, yeah, I've taken care of the whole shoot.

Your mother doesn't suspect it? No.

And your dad?

Oh, Dad doesn't have a clue.

Well, I know that, but is he on to the surprise?

The best is ready to begin.

to be ready right away.

So we were kind of hoping that we could bunk in here with you until it is, huh?

Oh, Daddy, that would be great, Jason.

Great isn't the word.

And, Carol, you're looking so svelte and sexy.

What made you decide to lose all that weight?

Hey, it was either that or we add on to the house.

High outside, ball four.

Maggie, you were going to add on to the house?

Could you grab that other pound of bacon for me, Jason?

That was the other pound of bacon, Ed.

What? You guys have gone through both of them already?

Well, if you'd call and give me, say, a day's notice in advance, I would have

had a dead pig waiting for you.

You know, to say thank you in advance for letting us bunk in here with you,

Katie and I would like to take you and Jason here out to dinner tonight.

Oh, Daddy, that won't be necessary. Thank you. The man wants to buy us

I didn't say buy dinner. I said take you out to dinner.

Come on, Mom.

Let's get Chrissy bathed and dressed.

Ooh, she pooped.

Grandpa, can I wash your new car? Sure you can, lad.

And you can wash my new car, too, lad.

You're right.

Well, I guess I'd better go down to the grocery store and stock up if we're

going to have guests for a month.

Would you pick up some of that decaf coffee for yourself?

You're beginning to look a little tense.

Everybody is going to be so excited when he finds out. Oh, yeah, we're going to

have a wonderful anniversary party.

Oh, I was talking about him finding out you're not going to be staying for a

month.

When are they going to leave for dinner?

When are they going to leave for dinner?

Relax, you'll watch yourself.

Okay, now, just to double -check, the food is on the table. Grandpa, trust me,

there's going to be tons of food, tons of people. And tons of fun.

Hey, I made a joke.

No, you didn't. Okay,

we're going to keep your folks away until about 7 .30. Perfect.

Carol, did you invite a boyfriend to this party?

Well, he's not exactly my boyfriend yet, but, yeah, Sandy will be here.

My girlfriend's coming, too.

Oh, you got a girlfriend now, do you, Ben? Yeah, it's pretty serious, too.

the first girl I've ever met that doesn't make me puke.

Well, that's important.

How about you, Mikey? You got a hot one on for this evening?

Uh, no.

No, I'm going stag tonight.

Well, you're usually such a ladies' man.

Eddie, don't push him. If he doesn't like girls, he doesn't like girls.

You, Jason, send my parents to the YMCA.

YMCA.

I love that song.

Did you remember to call Julie about coming over to take care of Christy?

I called. Julie's all set. Okay. The caterers get here in an hour. The first

guest's in an hour and a half. This is going to go like clockwork.

It's probably Julie right now.

Hey, Saks Party Animal Party Rentals, let's party.

You're early.

I had nowhere to go.

The kitchen's that way.

You didn't park your van in our driveway, did you? Because it's a

party. They don't give me a van.

Clockwork, huh?

Oh, one mistaken on a bozo?

Your turn, bozo.

Well, your grandmother thought you might need some help, Carol. Yeah, she does.

Any of you a plastic surgeon?

Honey,

is everything all set?

Grandma, everything's going to go perfectly. And your mom does not suspect

thing? Nope. Your dad?

Dad doesn't have a clue.

I know, but is he on to the party?

I meant the one and only Sandy, who I care about deeply.

Well, shouldn't they be here at 7 .45?

Oh, wait, it's really them this time. Everybody hide. Here we go.

Happy anniversary!

Hey, hey, cheer up.

Lar is here. So let the games begin.

So where's the happy 20th anniversary couple?

Cousin Larry.

And you have got to be Charlie.

Uh, no, Carol.

Close. I knew it was a bisexual name.

Too bad about you losing the hair, Jason.

But damn it, you look good.

Well, thanks, Padre. Damn it, I feel good.

Carol, you're the spitting image of your mother.

Uh, I'm not Carol.

Oh.

There are going to be, like, no people our age here whatsoever.

Well, my cousin might be coming. He's old, but he's very short.

Carol, how come we don't know most of these people?

Beats me. I use Mom's Christmas card list for the invitations.

Mike, that Larry creature's been here less than a minute, and he's already

pinched me twice.

Hey, you can't say I blame him.

Oh, hey, please.

It's not even me. I didn't do it.

What am I talking to you for? You couldn't even get a date.

Grandpa,

is this moment yet here? Relax.

I beat him by a mile.

He should have a bumper sticker. I break for everything.

Eddie!

Irma!

How have you been, you old flatfoot?

Great. How have you been, you gorgeous dame? One.

Kate.

Irma. I want you two to meet my special fellow.

Ed and Kate, this is Wally Obermeyer, my fiance. Hello, Ed. You must be that

soldier boy Maggie's telling us about. Captain, U .S. Army, retired.

Oh, an officer.

I was in the real army myself.

You ever serve any time in Korea? Yes, I've been there twice.

You? Oh, you bet. Yeah, military police.

Us MPs used to wipe up the bars with you guys pretty regularly.

I bet I may have even slung you over my jeep once or twice.

Oh, I don't think so, Ed.

You know, the only MPs I ever met were loudmouth clowns.

Hey, everybody!

Mom and Dad are coming up the front porch!

Hey, look, you sure it's them and not just another guest?

Hey, what kind of rude jerk would show up late to a surprise party?

Your father should have a bumper sticker that says, I don't break for anything.

Oh, Jason, at least the meal was nice. Oh, sure it was. I paid for it.

I thought my dad was going to pick up the check.

Oh, he did.

Then he handed it to me.

Oh, now, come on, honey. Now, be honest.

Now, how would you feel if suddenly my side of the family showed up

Uh... Mm -hmm, exactly.

Well... Oh, Mom!

Oh!

Well, this is great, but our anniversary isn't for two weeks.

Three weeks.

Exactly. You know, that's what was so clever about my idea for the surprise

party. If I do say so myself.

Your idea.

Hold it. Let's get a picture.

I don't have a camera.

Hey, do I have to do everything?

Jason.

Jason, you should have seen the way your eyes bugged out when I told you we were

bunking in for a month. You mean you're not?

Oh, heck no, that was just part of the surprise scam. Oh, thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Mel, were you kids in on this? I sure was. I sent the invitation.

Now I know why you only send these people Christmas cards.

Okay, everybody.

After some more mingling and eating, Mom and Dad will re -pledge the trough they

pledged almost 20 years ago.

McGregor, the minister who performed the original ceremony.

Oh, hi.

If you're out of margarita mix, I'll have a pina colada.

First, my name's not Babe.

Second, I take care of Chrissy. I'm not the help.

And no, I do not own one of those out -of -sight French maid outfits.

Hey, I'm just trying to make a little small talk here, babe.

Chill out.

Uh, is there a problem, Larry?

No, no problem.

Oh, hey, look, Mikey, I couldn't help noticing that you're a stag at this

Me too.

So I'm warning you right now. I've already staked my claim on Blondie over

there. Ooh, she's got her eyes on the prize.

You talking about Julie?

Julie? Hey, thanks.

She wants me.

I think it's my vulnerability.

Yeah, well, listen, Larry, I don't think Julie would be interested in you.

Yeah, right.

No, no, no, I'm serious. I mean, I don't know if I should tell you this, but she

used to be a guy.

A guy?

Yeah. Let's get out of town.

No, no, I'm serious.

Before the operation, we used to be fraternity brothers.

Hey, aren't you glad I told you before you went and made a fool out of

Not now, kid.

Hey, Julie.

How about them Knicks?

I was just saying that perhaps you were mistaken.

Mistaken, Irma, dear?

I'm as sure of this as I am of my own hair color.

Well, Kate, dear, I'm as sure of this as I am that I am still a size two.

Maggie!

Maggie, come here, dear.

Mom, Irma, what is it? Irma has this misguided notion that Chrissy looks like

her side of the family. It is not a misguided notion, Kate. Maggie agreed

me, didn't you, Maggie?

That's not what she told me. Tell her, dear.

Is it?

Did I mention what a great dress that is?

Oh, thank you.

So, who are you rooting for, Dad?

Well, let's see now.

is my father -in -law. Wally's gonna be my stepfather soon, so, um... I think

they're both gonna bust a gut.

I can live with that.

Ha -ha! Gotcha!

Ha -ha -ha -ha! You didn't get me. You cheated. Your elbow was a foot off the

stinking table.

The Houdini it was.

Pardon me, Jason.

Jake, now you saw this. Tell him. No, I was talking to the kid. Tell him he's

full of malarkey, Jase.

Nifty party.

Are you just saying that because my family are lunatics and you're too

be honest?

Yeah. Uh -huh.

No, I do not want to discuss my operation.

Okay, okay, gee.

It's not like I asked you to show me your scar or something.

This is Laura. She's my friend.

Date.

Honey?

Anyway. So, kid, couldn't snag a date for this, huh?

Well, me neither.

No, I could not find a date for this thing, all right?

What do you want to do, take an ad out in the New York Times? No, I got to...

Why don't we just hire a skywriter?

I ought to forget about that blonde over there. She used to be a guy.

You the anniversary couple?

Heard so.

Then I guess you get this.

Major credit card.

No personal checks.

Lime, model top, etc.

I would

like

to remind all you stinking people that we are family and we love each other.

Eight years ago, my Grandpa Ed toasted two newlyweds as they began their life

together. So, Grandpa, would you please lead us in another toast?

Look, look, I'm not very good at this, but, well, here goes.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I didn't think this marriage was going to

work in the first place.

I would have bet a week's pay that Maggie's marriage to Jason was going to

in disaster.

You weren't kidding.

You're not very good at this.

What I'm saying is that while we're mainly here with a lot of obnoxious

eating bad food and drinking cheap booze, couldn't we at least pretend that

were having a good time?

Here's the toast.

To Maggie and Jason. Who knew?

Oh, Jason, you know what all that fighting in there reminds me of? Our

reception.

Still, it was real nice of the kids and our folks to surprise us with this

party. Oh, it sure was.

Twenty years.

Yeah.

So much has changed.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we used to have to sneak up behind their garage to make out.

Now we have to sneak up behind our own garage.

Oh, Jason, I think that's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me.

I know.

Can I tell you something that I've wanted to tell you all these years?

Yeah?

Your cousin Larry is a rude jerk.

There, I feel better.

My cousin Larry? I always thought he was your cousin Larry.

Dessert is served.

Can I get you a slice?

Sure, thanks, Benjamin.

Maybe just a small one.

Yes, sir.

Let me help you get that, Irma. Here, I'll handle that, Ed. Eddie, Wally can

handle it.

Wally, I said I would get it. Ed, I said I'll handle it.

Sorry.

Honey, it's a room full of our relatives. What could be going on?

I don't want to know.

What are those?

Daddy's keys.

What do you say we elope? As long as I can drive, I hear these cars do great

things for a guy's attitude.

Boy, have you got the wrong apartment.

If it's you, Mike, I ran out to get a pizza.

Well, at least we won't starve.

So come on in and make yourself at home. The key is inside Mr.

Edison's invention.

Edison?

Hey, there's no phone around here.

Oh, that Edison.

Listen, now, before you even say a word, I just want to say, I really could have

used a date tonight.

Of course.

But I know you're right. We have to keep our relationship a secret.

Let's face it.

You could have used a date, too.

Hey, I think that's pretty good for a guy.

Shut up, Mike.