Original subtitles

This baby care schedule really stinks.

You gonna eat your cereal? No.

It doesn't bother you?

Not if I don't use your spoon.

Morning, house dwellers.

And cage dwellers.

Hey, listen, did that mom leave for work yet? What do you care?

Well, you know, it's just being her first day back at work and away from the

baby. I predict one of those sappy, tear -filled things that I feel.

Mom, Dad, good morning. Bye.

Sure, you're going to feel rotten at first. You're going to feel like you're

abandoning your baby.

Yes, you're going to feel... I'm a terrible mother!

Oh, Jesus. Oh, I'm sorry I've gone too far.

I'm sorry.

I'll be okay. Just give me a minute.

And we've been planning our schedule for days. It's going to go like clockwork.

Look at this. I've got a big board made up and everything.

Huh?

All right. Attention, please. What's going to happen when I'm with patients

the afternoon? Show of hands.

school at 2 .30, I then come straight home and attend to my only sister's

need. Yes!

And when Carol can't get right home, Mike Thiever.

My dog ate my homework, sir.

Hi.

All right, I get stuck with Chris.

I mean, uh, I'll take care of Chris.

Mom, listen, you can count on me to do whatever it takes. Make sure that that

little tyke is healthy, happy, and gurgling spit.

And on those days when Mike can't make it, For reasons that are hopefully

-related or legal?

Spin people.

I'll do it. I just hope when it's my turn to change Chris's diapers, there's

a bullet in the chamber.

Thank you, Ben, for that heartfelt sentiment.

Maggie, you see, we're all in this together. Things are going to work out

sweetheart. Oh, you're right. Besides, you'll be here the whole time, too, and

the baby should sleep most of the day anyway.

Oh, thanks, honey. Thanks, kids.

See you later, Mom. Bye -bye.

back before she knows I'm gone she knows

I'd like to see you.

And I was worried no one would miss me.

Oh, sure we missed you, Mary.

It's Maggie.

I gave up spending time with my baby for this.

I love you guys.

I miss you.

I've forgotten how happy I am. could be around here. The pressures, the

deadlines, the office politics.

Hey, Maggie, if I had known things would go this smoothly with the baby, I would

have kicked you out years ago.

That's so sweet.

Right now, Carol's on her way home, and my three o 'clock hyperkinetic won't be

here for another half hour, so you just relax. Enjoy being back.

Oh, sweetheart, did I ever tell you that you're terrific?

Not in so many words, but I love you.

I wasn't talking to you.

Then who do you think's so terrific?

You, Jason, don't be silly.

Bye.

I'm glad I called.

All right, Mr.

Bombazi, hyperkinetic. Two tenths.

Goes too fast. Way too fast.

Daddy's coming, Chrissy. Daddy's coming.

Of course, my hyperkinetics early.

Oh, easy, baby, easy.

Easy, easy, easy.

Carol, look, I really need to find Debbie.

No, Debbie, I need to find Carol, yes.

No, she's supposed to be home a half an hour ago.

Carol Seaver.

Yes, I'm trying to find her.

I did say that in the first place.

Mike, Mike, Mike.

Yeah, yeah, not fair. Come on. Mike, look, I need you to take Chris.

Dad, look, look.

Dad, I know about babes, not babies. I've got a patient in my office.

Look there, you see?

She likes you.

Women.

What if she starts crying?

Sing to her. And if that doesn't work? Peter. And what if she still keeps

crying? Burp her. Hey, I don't know nothing about burping no babies.

Frankly, Mike, I don't give a damn.

Come on, I haven't got time to stand here and argue with you.

Carol's not here, you're next in succession, and I gotta be with this

Great.

Hey, Mike.

Yeah?

Hey, Ben, where the heck have you been?

Huh? You know, Dad had really ticked off. Carol ducked out of Chris' duty.

Duty?

Yeah, and you're supposed to be filling in. I've been covering for you.

You're supposed to take over when Carol's not here. It's on the big board.

Oh, come on, Ben. You know no one can read the big board but Dad. Your turn.

There you go. You don't need to thank me, Benny. After all, what are brothers

for? Oh, and you might want to check to see if she needs to, uh, you know...

Hey,

Sink, what are you doing here?

I don't know. My sweet parents are more of the stupid people, Chris.

Aren't you wise to get stuff delivered?

It's really weird.

Sting, wait up. Would you hurry? Come on, sit, relax.

Want to hold my sister, Chris?

Why not?

Maggie, I need you to cover a breaking story.

Uh, now?

Yes, now. That's why it's called a breaking story.

Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Sidlovich, I can't. I've got to get home to my baby.

Oh, is he sick?

She? No, it's my turn on the big board to relieve Jason.

The big boy?

Yes, Mrs. Sidlovich, I'm sorry, but I can't. See, no more.

I'd like to have had a reporter in this hostage situation, but I understand.

I mean, when it's your turn on the old big board, it's your turn.

Ralph, how'd you like to be a reporter?

Well, it has always been my dream. Good. Can I bring my gun? Okay, I'll do it.

Okay, I won't bring my gun.

Yes, look, will you excuse me for a minute? You just go ahead.

He hates me, by the way. Hi,

Dr. Stever.

This is a gift from my mom and dad.

still talking to me.

Jason? I'm thinking.

Was it that bad?

Well, I had to cancel all of my appointments for the rest of the day.

I got six loaded chambers.

And to top it all off, I found Stinky Sullivan breastfeeding our baby.

Trust me, you...

I thought the kids were going to help.

Yeah, so did I.

Look at this. Every name in its own color.

Every hour a corresponding color. No clashes.

It's a beautiful board. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But where are the kids?

Well, I think they're upstairs at Mike's place.

Waiting for you to come home. They're hiding. They figure with you here as a

witness, maybe I won't kill them.

Little do they know the thought of prison doesn't bother me.

Mom, I know I should have phoned and said I was going to be late, but I knew

my...

Aren't you going to tell us to shut up?

Aren't you going to at least blame somebody?

Come on, aren't you going to yell?

I'm going to my room. This is too spooky.

We get the picture.

They're grounded and I get no cable this month.

Fine. No cable for two months.

And I'm going to leave right this minute before it's three.

Talked about a couple of hotheads.

Jason, what do we do?

Well, I think it's time we talked about a concept that we've never really given

a fair chance.

Oh, Jason, we can't leave the kids and run off to Jamaica.

I never thought of that.

I was kidding.

Well, I think that we should be hiring someone to come in here afternoons and

help out.

I know we always said we didn't want a stranger to raise Chris, but I don't

think a couple hours of lighthouse work and babysitting in the afternoon is

exactly raising.

What do you think? Well... Well, what?

Jason, maybe I should just stay home.

Honey, come on. That's fatigue and emotions talking.

You know how important your career is?

I just wanted to make sure you knew it, too.

Oh, honey, where do we get somebody to do this? I mean, it sounds like a tough

job to fill.

Yeah, especially at minimum wage.

Who said anything about minimum wage?

Me.

Come on, honey. We're not the first couple to face this.

I'll call some friends. I'll look in the newspaper.

We'll look for some agencies. We'll set up interviews. We'll meet these people.

Great.

How about Friday?

Uh, no. Solid Friday. How about Thursday?

Can't. Wednesday? No. No way, Wednesday. Tuesday.

This is Tuesday.

So that's up.

Jason, by the time both of us get the chance to interview these people, Chris

will be in college.

Honey, why don't you just handle it? Oh, but we both should.

No, I trust your judgment.

I mean, after all, you did choose a great wife.

Maybe I just got lucky.

help out with the baby and everything.

Oh, he didn't mention anything to me on the phone.

Oh, he's so sweet. He wanted to surprise you with me.

Well, he did.

So my husband interviewed and hired you all today, huh? That's right.

So that happened very quickly.

I know.

I'm...

Surprised. Me too.

I mean, on the phone he said that he couldn't make a decision today, but

we met, he asked me if I could start this afternoon.

Really?

I better run. Now, Christy's asleep in her room. Oh? And dinner will be ready

just a few minutes. You cooked dinner? Uh -huh.

I'll be back tomorrow at two.

And tell Jace goodbye for me.

Jace?

Oh, that's what he wants me to call him. I don't really feel very comfortable

doing it.

Maggie.

Mags will be fine.

Bye.

Maggie,

you're home.

Darn.

Darn? Yeah, well, I had a little surprise for you. I met her.

Oh, hey, great. Isn't she great?

She's a bundle of energy.

Every time I came out of the office today, she was doing something

So she's a regular miracle worker, huh, Jason?

Well, she did part the clothes on Ben's floor.

So how was day two at work?

Don't try to change the subject with me, Jason Seaver.

Pardon me?

No, I come home exhausted from work and find you've hired someone all on your

own. Right. What's going on here?

I'm not sure.

But we can talk about it over dinner.

Cornish game hen.

Where's Julie?

She just left.

Oh, nuts.

What's wrong?

We were going to exercise together.

Ben, you hate exercise.

Not anymore.

I think that's cute.

So is Julie.

Yeah.

Hi, Carol.

Hi, Mom.

Don't spoil your appetite with this gourmet dinner waiting.

Oh, Julie already cooked dinner for us. It was great.

Carol, you know, someone has cooked a good meal or two around here before

Oh, I'm sorry. That was very insensitive of me.

Dad, you're a wonderful cook, too.

How are you going to feel a lot better after a good meal?

Come on, honey, now, don't get carried away. You're just as needed around here

as you ever were.

Oh, hi, Mom.

Oh, hey, look, did you meet that outrageous fox that Dad hired?

She even did my laundry for me. Finally, things are running right around here.

in its game hand, you should at least have this.

Bad day at work?

Whoa!

You know, all this exercise is really paying off. You're going to have your

figure back in no time.

Halfway through that sentence, I knew I was a dead man.

Look, I know I don't have my pre -baby figure back.

Oh, honey, I love you no matter how big... No, no, no, no.

ever thought about jogging? I do jog.

I meant now.

Maggie, why is it for some reason I get the sense that you don't like Julie?

Ooh, look out, Kreskin.

I just don't understand it. I mean, she's a sophomore at Columbia

majoring in child psychology.

She practically raised five brothers single -handedly. The agent that sent

over couldn't say enough nice things about her. And the moment she picked

Chrissy up, Chrissy stopped crying.

And that impressed you?

Jason, are you telling me that you didn't notice her looks at all?

Of course I did.

Oh, why don't you admit it? You like beautiful women.

Guilty.

Men.

Maggie, I did not take this decision lightly.

I interviewed a ton of people today.

A ton?

How many?

Four.

Oh, so that makes Julie and, uh...

Three very large women.

Maggie, if I were hiring strictly on looks, I would have taken the second

I saw.

Well,

you've had quite a day.

I thought we decided last night that I would handle this, Maggie. I can't help

it if I got lucky with Julie.

I thought you'd be pleased that I found somebody who's so young and pretty.

Oh, well, clearly I misjudged the way you'd react to Julie.

Bingo, Jase!

Oh, come on, this can't be all about the way she looks. Is everything all right

at work? Well, it's about time you asked. Oh, I did ask Maggie the first

Okay, you're right.

Jason, do you have any idea what it's like going back to work, going back to

work three months behind where I started from, which was 15 years behind to

begin with?

And did you realize that the word baby pops up in a conversation every 3 .2

minutes? The cameraman was putting his camera on his tripod and he said, this

baby's sure heavy.

And I started to cry.

And then I come home and I'm told that I don't need to do anything. I'm told

that things haven't ever run better.

And then I find that the kitchen table is 11 and 5 inches farther away from the

refrigerator.

Fred, you know you'd be so insecure. I am not insecure.

I am as 40 years old, 10 pounds overweight and incredibly tired.

But I am not insecure.

Sweetheart, come here. I'm going to do anything I possibly can to make you feel

better. Really?

Of course.

I mean it.

Oh, Jason, that's so sweet. That's so sweet. Thank you.

And I'll help you find Julie's replacement.

You want me to fire Julie?

Honey, that's not fair.

Well, I just think that we can find somebody better. Someone with more

experience. Someone weathered.

Mr. Belvedere already has his own show.

And I think we can do a whole lot better if we pay above minimum wage.

Yeah, well, Julie gives a little more than minimum wage.

A little more?

Double. What? We can't be cheapskates when it comes to child care.

I think you'll like her if you just get to know her a little bit. You haven't

given her a fair shake.

And I sure hope you haven't.

All right, Maggie, if you feel that strongly about this, Julie is gone.

But you're going to be the one to have to look her right in the eye and tell

she's fired.

Fine.

Make me the heavy.

Hey,

Ben, look, if you drag me down here just to see Mom on the news, I got news for

you. I'm not interested.

You will be. Sit down.

Julie!

Mom's on!

Oh, I'm glad you called me.

Maggie? What's this rattle doing down here again?

She's on.

And the landlord said regardless of the building code, he will be using these

razor -sharp coils until, and I quote, these screwy pigeons go home where they

belong.

have any thoughts about where these pigeons should go?

Uh, Maggie?

Maggie?

Oh, good.

You're still here.

Yeah, just finishing up.

Can you drop my husband's shorts, please?

I mean, can we sit and talk?

Sure. What's on your mind?

I should just say this as quickly as I can. Oh, I'm in no hurry. Well, I am.

Julie, you're a sophomore, right?

Uh -huh.

Well, what I want to say is... But I may not graduate in two years. I've been

thinking about changing my psych major.

Uh -huh. See, well, the thing is, is that I... Journalism.

What about it? Well, that's what I'm thinking of switching to.

Good. Well, back to my point. See, you're thinking of switching from

to journalism?

Uh -huh.

Well, I did the same thing.

Really?

Yeah, but I didn't do it till the first semester of my junior year. See, after I

got a taste of journalism, I was hooked.

Print or TV news? No, my first love is print, but since I've been on the air,

I'm starting to feel like this could really be my... Bailiwick?

I'm off my point.

Sorry. We can talk about this later.

Uh -huh. Julie, let me start this another way.

See, sometimes you can do all the right things on a job, and...

And just because you happen to be who you are, you can make the people who

you... Excuse me, that's the souffle.

Perfect.

Can we forget the souffle for now?

Sorry, you were saying? I'm not sure.

You said, sometimes you can do all the right things on a job, and just because

you are who you are, people can... Ding! Do I have the makings of a good

reporter or what?

There's something wrong, isn't there?

You've got the makings of a psychologist, too.

That's what James told me. Now I remember my point.

So this is about your husband? I hope not. I mean, no.

He talks about you all the time.

He does?

Maggie holds Chrissy this way to quiet her. And Maggie called while I was with

the patient.

Maggie would never let Mike get away with that.

I'll tell you, I think he really misses you now that you're back at work.

Do you think?

Between us, I think he's a little jealous.

Of what?

I mean, he has to share you with the whole city.

Most men would be too insecure to share their wives.

Most women, too.

Pardon me?

Oh, insecurity can drive you crazy, or so I've heard.

Boy, a husband like that, your family...

A dream job. You've got it all.

I didn't think it was possible.

Neither did I.

I'm sorry. I changed the subject again. You were going to say?

You're fired.

What?

Just kidding.