Original subtitles

Look who's awake.

Chris stayed asleep in my arms all through dinner. Oh, she's such a good

Then again, so was Mike.

What was I like as a baby?

Smaller. A lot smaller. Ben! Yeah, you're getting there, Benny. You're

there. Actually, Carol, you were a wonderful baby.

You all were, each in your own special way.

Help me, Jason. I'm starting to sound like my mother.

No, you're not. You're still making sense.

How is she anyway?

Mikey! Oh, there you are, man. I've been looking all over for you. I went to the

library. I think you might be stunned for finals. Then I thought I was stupid.

That was.

Oops.

Evening, Bonner.

Evening, Dr. Fever. Hey, everybody.

Mr. Fever, you still breastfeeding?

Yes. Why?

No reason.

Mikey, you ready for the big night?

Big night?

What big night is this, Mike? Uh, nothing.

Nothing? Come on, Mikey.

Aren't you guys proud of him?

Not as much as we'd like to be.

Well, you should be, because out of a lot of students at Al Flandin Junior

College, many of whom could have gone to real colleges, Mike is one of few

students who... Planning a plan, Mike?

They don't own a... We don't own a what?

Uh, nothing. Guys, honest, I didn't do anything to anybody.

Yet.

Well, um, if you'll excuse me.

I think I'll be going.

Oh, you sure, Bone?

No. I'm not sure nothing.

Mike. Oh, could you pass those delicious peas, please?

Mike, if I were you, I'd come clean right now. They'll find out. They always

They sure ooh -day.

Look, Mikey, I don't know what's going on here, but you're wrong not to tell

your parents. Like our photo teacher said, the naked form of the human body

nothing to be ashamed of.

Love said.

The human body is nothing to be ashamed of.

Nuff said.

Mom, you can't listen to what Boner says.

When your voice cracks like that, I know you're lying.

I'm not lying.

This is going to get dirty. I can tell.

I think it's time the little kids left the room.

Do I have to? Yes, you have to.

I ain't see stuff like this on cable anytime soon.

And take Chris with you. I have a feeling there's going to be lots of

Carol, why don't you take Chris?

I would, but I don't want to miss...

think I'm a little kid?

Well, obviously they're not going by the pound.

Mike, quiet.

Carol, leave.

Okay, let's have it, Mike.

Well, uh... And both of you get far enough away from the door that you can't

hear. I can't hear you now, Dad.

Ben. I'm going, I'm going.

Carol, nuts.

Okay, Mike, talk.

Well, uh, Mom, Dad, now that I'm an adult, and semi on my own, I believe

I'm entitled to a little more privacy.

But if you can't share things with your family, then what kind of an adult are

you?

Well put.

So anyway, Mike, I suggest you start your little tale here with at least one

fact that's, you know, say, true.

Oh, okay.

Well, what Bono was talking about was what happened at school today.

I won an award.

Your father said true.

Oh, no, I'm serious. Here, look.

Reception for the opening of the Landon Junior College photography exhibit. You

won an honorable mention?

There. Now, aren't you ashamed you felt the worst of me?

Mike. No, no, no, Dad, don't. No need to apologize here. Let's just... We can't

let this whole ugly incident never even happen, okay?

Let's not.

Wait, Mike. What's going on here? Why are you keeping this a secret?

It's reception tonight. Why aren't you there? What's nudity have to do with

this? Have you broken any laws?

Yeah. Now, listen.

Now, if you really want to understand how I got into this, then, well, I'm

to have to take you way, way back, and I'm just not sure that you want me to

take that kind of time.

Take, Mike, take.

All right. I guess it all started when Warner and I were picking out our first

semester classes at landing.

So there we were, looking through the class catalog and hoping for some

matriculation.

But organic chemistry?

Physics? Quantum mechanics?

I might become a bit confused.

Risk it, Richard.

This is college.

Our chance to grow.

To blossom.

To be.

Or not to be.

Come on, Mike. How gullible do you think we are?

Well... Don't wait for an answer.

I mean, so much was happening to me at the time, being a serious student, that,

well... Watch that voice cracking, Mike.

Watch it.

So it became clear to Boner and myself that maybe I should just tell him the

truth. Oh, what am I saying? No way.

I better just tell him something that sounds like the truth.

And I said, yes, Boner. I'm still thinking about pre -med.

Boy, I hope they buy what I'm saying here. I mean, I sure can't tell him the

real story. And what a story it is, too.

Ooh, how about this one? Social problem.

Bon, if you find out for that, they'd make you an exhibit.

I might get extra credit then. Go on.

Okay. Ooh, introduction to English.

Eh, I've already been introduced to English. We didn't get along so good.

Come on, Mike. You've got to get a little positive energy going about your

semester in college.

Come on, this is a chance to expand your mind. Challenge yourself.

You know, you were right, Dad. You were absolutely right. And I was just

pointing that out to the bone here.

Come on, Bone. There's got to be some easier classes in here somewhere. Okay.

Ooh, introduction to astronomy. A friend of Sky.

That's kind of nice.

Yeah, we've got Tuesdays and Thursdays.

8 a .m. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Ooh, how about the history of golf?

That's Wednesdays and Fridays.

Oh, four to six. Now, that kind of cuts into that weekend.

Yeah, but you could take a putt fail.

That's pass -fail. A joke.

You know, Mikey, this could be hard finding a whole schedule of mid

classes with lectures only and no papers. Yeah, well, nobody says it's

be easy, Bo. I mean, look, this is college, and like my dad said, this is a

to challenge ourselves, to expand our minds.

I can do that.

Yeah. Oh, look at this one. A bit of introduction to photography here.

We got Monday and Wednesday afternoon.

So far, so good. No papers, no tests. Ooh, looks like we got a winner here.

You use the school's cameras, and all you do is snap pictures. Sounds like a

snap.

Another joke.

I kill myself.

Hey, check this out. Check this out.

The final project requires students to take a nude study.

Maroon.

And it's not like you can see a naked girl if you're lucky enough to. You

actually have to.

It's a requirement for school.

It's the law.

Law. Oh, my Lord.

I know I'm ready to declare my major. Yeah. Yeah.

What is this?

Oh, just taking your college advice, Dad. Positive energy.

Yeah.

That's right.

Pointed out to you time and time again this semester, photography's debt to the

fine art of painting must always be acknowledged.

This work by Peter Paul Rubens... Ooh, he invented the Almond Joy.

...is echoed conceptually in the works of these contemporary photographers.

Ah, whoa.

I can hear that echo.

Note the rhythmic movement of the composition as a whole.

Oh, I'm noting, I'm noting.

I'll let these next few images... speak for themselves.

Oh, whoa.

If high school would have been like this, I would have got better grades

Cal.

Now, class, your own figure study photos, which are due next week, can't

Effective to compare with the images I've just shown you. I just want you to

your best and let it all hang out.

So to speak.

Before you go, class, I have a list of your fellow Landon students who

volunteered to be models for your project.

Remember, the modest fee is $20 per session.

Copies of this list are on my desk. Please take one at your leisure.

Oh, whoa, this is unbelievable, Bone. Look at this.

These girls are willing to take off all their clothes for $20.

$20? I mean, that's less than the cost of an average date.

Yeah, and an average date won't even strip for you.

Looks to me like we got some phone calls to make.

Just in case I lose this one. Good thinking.

In case my dog eats it.

It was amazing, Dad. Whatever it was.

Where are you going, Mike?

Out.

What are you doing?

Not much.

Mom, Dad, come on. He's obviously got a date with a hot, not -so -bright,

unsuspecting young woman.

If you must know, I am doing something for school tonight.

You're allowed to go out on dates on school nights now. You don't have to

pretend. No, I'm not pretending, Mom. I just got a class assignment tonight, and

I got a split.

Come on, son.

Oh, fine. When did my family stop taking my word?

Oh. Oh, fine.

Fine, fine. You guys think what you want, and I am going to school.

Date.

Be sure to let me know how them pictures come out.

Yeah, you got it, Richard.

Oh, what the heck is going on here?

She's supposed to be posing for you.

Yeah, well, once Maureen got here, she decided that we all must see who's

stripped. What I didn't know is she's captain of the girls' wrestling team.

Oh, there is no girls' wrestling team.

Oh, good. Now I don't feel so bad.

Listen, how are you going to get your pictures done by tomorrow?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, my 20 bucks.

Hey. It was fun. We'll have to do this again.

Bone man.

Listen, good luck with your model, okay?

All right, thanks, Bo. Whatever you do, don't let her get you naked.

All right,

that must be C .J. Powell.

We're going right on time, too.

Ah, keep your shirt on.

But not for too long.

Come in.

I forgot my suspenders and jacket.

All right, get out. Come on. I know, to his company, trees of party.

It's a film.

Michael Seaver?

C .J. Powell?

You ready for me?

Oh, yeah. Come on in.

So, should I take my clothes off here or what?

What did you say?

Should I take my clothes off here or what?

Good question.

Yeah, yeah. I think I should get a sense of your skin and muscle tone and

roundness stuff before we shoot.

So you want me naked?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, just think of this as another great shoot with another

photographer. Well, I've never done this before.

You mean you're not an experienced model?

No, I'm not. The sign -up sheet said I didn't have to be. Is that okay?

Oh, oh, hey, it's great. I hate experienced nudes.

To tell you the truth, I'm just doing this for the money.

Hey, well, you're in good hands. I'm afraid you'll have to show me

Oh, my pleasure.

Oh, uh, listen, PJ, well, why don't you just, uh, dress behind the screen there?

But I thought you said you wanted to get a sense of my... Yeah, well, uh, I

think I'd just kind of rather have your nakedness kind of hit me all at once.

Rather than an arm and then a leg and then your, uh, this screen.

Okay.

This screen?

Hey, it's the only screen here.

Right.

Could you turn away?

Oh, right.

Sorry. I know it's silly. I mean, in a minute you're going to see all of me.

Uh -huh.

You can tell I'm nervous, can't you, Mr. Seaver?

Uh, call me Mike.

Mike.

I didn't mean to call you Mr. just then. It's just like when you're at the

doctor's office and you take off your skirt, you don't call him Bernie, you

know?

I never do.

I'm being silly.

You can turn around.

It's okay.

Uh, listen, CJ, why don't you just put on this robe here before we do this?

Uh, your picture. And that way you'll just kind of get to know me, and before

you know it, you'll be out of your clothes.

I am out of my clothes.

Well, again.

Is this the way you usually work?

Uh, no, I never do, uh, oh, always.

So I'm not weird for having, like, major jitters.

Excuse me?

Oh, oh, jitters. Oh, no, no, not at all.

Aren't you worried about your equipment?

Excuse me?

So.

So.

You study photography long?

It's my life.

Must be very stimulating.

Oh, yeah.

Taking the pictures and developing them. Showing them to people.

But I don't want to get too technical with you.

You know, I really, really respect somebody like you.

You do?

Why?

Because you're serious about something. I mean, you already know what you want

to do.

I don't even know what classes I'm going to take.

I'm just kind of killing time.

You have no idea what it's like to wander around aimlessly with no real

except maybe to party.

I can imagine.

You know, this semester I signed up for all the Bozo courses. I'm taking History

of Golf.

Putz fail.

It was a joke.

Pass fail.

We should get on with this. Yeah, I only do have a half hour for the studio.

Listen, thanks for being patient with me, Mike.

You make it easy for a girl to take off her clothes.

Well, hey, listen, you know, good things come to those who are patient.

All right, let's do it. Where do you want me?

Mike. Oh, oh, right.

Here, right here. Why don't you sit down, and I'll adjust the legs.

Lights.

What are you doing now?

Looking at your neck.

And getting a light reading on my light meter.

Uh, yeah.

You know, light is very important.

Without it, you've got, uh... Darkness?

Right.

You've got the makings of a great photographer.

What are you laughing about?

I was just thinking about how my mom would freak if she knew I was up here.

Your mom?

Yeah. She's always warning me about guys.

Don't assume boys are as innocent as you are, Carol.

Your name is Carol?

Yeah.

Carol Jean, actually, but only my mom still calls me that.

I mean, even when she's not here, she's ruining everything.

What?

Uh, nothing.

Nothing. Listen, I know how to get through this. I just have to keep

myself that you're an artist. You're not just some dirty -minded guy who wants

to see me naked.

Here.

Where do you want me?

Is there something wrong?

Carol, look, you can't do this.

What did I do?

Uh, nothing, nothing. It was just, uh, something just kind of hit me when I was

looking at your, uh, your face. And, and it was an inspiration. An inspiration.

Something kind of wild. Kind of crazy. Something kind of wacky.

Wacky? Art.

Nude. With clothes on.

But your assignment was nude with clothes off.

Assignments? I have never been bound by assignments, believe me.

Do I still get my $20?

$40. All right.

Yo,

Mike. Yo, Ben.

Oh, big deal. It's one more F.

Don't look at my papers.

I'm not. I was just thinking about my... Oh, forget it. You wouldn't understand.

Women, huh?

Want to talk about it?

Nah. No, it just seems like the older I get, the less I know.

Considering where you started, Mike, I'd worry if I were you.

Carol, I am not in the mood.

Ooh, is that what your date told you tonight?

Well, assuming that she had the power of speech.

Carol. I did not have a date tonight, and that is not what she said.

Oh, very clever, Mike. Sure convinced me.

Carol, look.

Mike, look, you don't have to lie about what happened. I know that you were out

with some girl who you treated as a sex object. She wanted to be treated like a

human being. She gave you a well -deserved slap in the face, and that's

you're home early.

Carol, for your information, tonight at school, I... I'll tell you something. I

can be a pretty sensitive guy sometimes.

Puss face.

Watch out, Alan Alda.

That's telling her, Mike.

Boy, I got other things to worry about besides Carol.

You know, before she starts telling you how to treat people, she ought to take a

good look at herself in the mirror.

Yeah.

A look in the mirror.

Hey, that could work.

I got the guts.

Hey, Benny, can I borrow your camera?

Sure. All right, who needs girls? Not this guy.

Sure you don't want to talk to Dad about this?

Boy, I hope they're still listening to what I'm saying. I know I'm not.

So I finally decided that I have just got to buckle down. I've got to put my

nose to that grindstone and live up to my potential.

Not bad.

Where do I get this stuff?

Mike. What?

I can't take any more of this babbling. In the last ten minutes, you have

spouted every cliche in the book, and you have not once mentioned photography,

nudity, or this so -called award.

I haven't?

Why do I get the feeling that you've been thinking one thing and you're

us something totally different?

What?

I am insulted.

If you don't tell us the truth in the next three seconds, your father and I

going down to that reception and look for some answers ourselves.

Mom. One, two, three.

Let's roll.

I'm never going to live this down.

All right, here it is. Can we go home now?

Oh, my gosh.

Mike, that's you.

You're butt naked.

Gross.

Yeah, well, we had to take a nude picture for photo class. So I stood in

of the mirror and took one of myself.

The camera you're holding almost covers up your... Fan.

Elbow.

Nude model's point of view.

What do you know?

Yeah, and this whole dumb thing would have been kept a secret if it hadn't

for that stupid award.

Well, Mike, I'm proud of you.

You're a sick man, Dad.

Yo, Mikey, you made it. You brought the whole family, too.

What's the matter with him?

Oh, Boner, you know how sensitive artists can be.

Oh, I do.

You don't have a picture here, too, do you, Boner? No, but I made a new friend.

Yo, Richard, now.

Mike, did you see this? Almost all these pictures are of naked babes.

go straight to college?

Ben, do you think the only thing that's important to you is seeing naked women?

Uh -huh.

Jason, I get the feeling that there's a whole story behind this picture that we

don't know. Yeah. Why would Mike ever pass up a chance to take a picture of a

naked girl?

I would have guessed the only reason he took this bath was a chance to see some

female flesh.

Oh, you don't think he's... No, no. No.

Benny, I don't care what I have said in the past.

Why are you so tense?

Because... Because as much as I'd like them to be, women are just non -sex

objects.

Since when?

Listen, how would you feel if you saw a picture of Carol out there naked?

In color?

What's the use?

I gotta get out of here.

Jason,

he sounded like he really meant that.

And that's what frightens me.

Either he's getting values or he's getting better at lying.

Well, let's think about it.

Yeah.

Our son posing nude. What a day.

You know, Jason, it made me think of that first summer we were married.

Remember that nude beach we went to in Maine?

I remember the sunburn I got.

I remember all the rest I got.

What a trip.