Original subtitles

Reach and stretch and grab those grapes and punch that guy right in the face.

Training students shouldn't have to take gym.

Ooh, yeah, Carol. Guys really go for a curvy braid.

If it weren't for my shape of her thighs, where would I be?

Name just one serious, successful, intelligent woman who worries about the

of her thighs.

Vanna White.

Oh, why, oh, why didn't I think of her?

Attention, people. This is your principal, Willis DeWitt, speaking.

Point it at my face.

There we go.

Good morning, students.

Yes, it's me. Coming to you via the all -new Dewey High School video PA system.

Hootervision.

Your parents' tax dollars at work.

This is like something out of 1984.

The homecoming dance is only two days away, and the decorating committee still

needs help.

Contact Bucky Niehauser if you can donate any of the following decorative

Balloons, streamers, flap shoes, chap, whip, handcuff.

Okay, forget this item, and I'd like to see Bucky Niehauser in my office PDQ.

And now the big news.

The candidates you have selected for homecoming, king and queen.

Oh, yeah, will Rob Lowe be nominated or passed over yet another year? Exactly.

Can't you guys hear yourselves? You act like this is important.

Oh, and I suppose you're above all this? This is merely an affirmation of a

social order which has been instilled in our popular culture since kindergarten.

I don't think Debbie understands what you mean.

Every year, it's the same chosen few nominated.

The in crowd, the A -list, the social.

And I'm talking about people whose biggest contribution to this school is

looking good in a sweater.

Maybe if you spent less time in the teacher's lounge stuffing your face with

donuts, you'd find it.

Okie dokie.

Candidates meet in the auditorium after school for briefing.

First, the candidates for queen, in alphabetical order.

Joya Barnes.

Joya Barnes.

And who's the girl in the tight sweater who always forgets to wear a bra?

Jennifer Calastino.

That's her.

One. Heather McCombs. And two.

So you're saying only the most popular kids get nominated.

Exactly.

And Carol Seaver. Another case in point.

What?

I'll bet you're sorry now you let your thighs go to hell.

The best is ready to be.

We're missing a candidate. Where's the other girl?

Right here, Mr. DeWitt.

You?

You can't be a queen candidate.

You're not showing any bosom.

Care to join us, Miss Seaver?

Now remember, people, that the student body looks up to you, so no crossed eyes

or obscene gestures.

I'm in the homecoming court.

Me, Carol the Brain Seaver.

How am I ever going to face Mom and Dad?

Hi.

Honey, the best and brightest of our children is home. You mean the one that

gets a consistent 4 .0?

average, is a member of the chess club, the future physicist of America, and is

the daughter I vicariously live my life through? That child?

That's the one.

Well, let me just put this darn freelance article I'm writing aside.

I can stuff my duck anytime.

Carol, tell us what startling achievements you made at school today.

Mom, Dad, I have some news that might be dramatic for you.

Young lady, if you've gone and won the Nobel... prize and didn't call us,

in big trouble.

No, I didn't. Ah, who cares? You're a joy to parent anyway.

I know.

A devoted sibling.

I know.

A credit to this nation.

Dad, you're being a sycophant. Thank you.

Carol, would you please tell me what a sycophant means? Later, Mom.

See, today

electric oven.

What the heck is going on around here?

I've been nominated for homecoming queen.

Yeah, it's tough.

Sort of like a circus theme this year.

Cheese, cheese, I need cheese to close my rack of ribs.

Hey, did many of you people hear what I need?

Cheese!

That girl didn't smoke.

With fever, could you be happy for just a moment?

How's that?

Okay,

Chris, got your diapers, your wipes, your lotion, your booty, your rattle,

salt, your pepper.

Nah, you don't need those, do you?

Anything else you need?

Dad, can I borrow some money?

Pardon?

Mike! Yeah.

No. Oh, come on, Dad, it's just 20 bucks till Friday. I mean, if you ever need a

favor, you got it.

Only 20?

Well, actually, uh... 20 is all you're getting. All right. You drive a hard

bargain, Dad.

Jason, we have to hurry. If we're five minutes late for this pediatrician,

make us wait an hour. How impossible doctors can be.

Yeah, I've heard.

Oh, Jason, Chrissy has to be changed.

Mike, favorite time.

Aw, Dad.

All right, let's get this over with, Chrissy.

honey, how was school?

Well, I might as well get this over with.

Mom, Dad, can I talk to the two of you? Oh, of course, sweetheart.

Maybe you better sit.

Carol, is this serious?

I'm afraid so.

Now, I know that you both have always thought of me as the sensible one.

You're one child with her head on the ground and feet out of the clouds.

No, that's wrong.

Anyway, well, you can well imagine how I felt today when...

Oh, hey, hey, congratulations.

That's terrific.

Congratulations?

Dad, I'm being lumped in with cheerleaders.

Uh -huh. Well, some of my favorite people are cheerleaders.

But all the other nominees are just pretty unpopular.

Well, honey, what's wrong with that?

Wrong? Mom, people in the homecoming court are never people of consequence.

Do you think Mother Teresa was a homecoming queen?

Oh, you know for a fact she wasn't.

All right, all right. Then we'll take Mom, for example. She'd never be part of

something silly like this.

Well, actually, I was homecoming queen.

That explains so much.

Carol, you can be a person of substance and still be popular and pretty.

You're not talking about Vanna White, are you? There you go.

Can't you see?

The people who voted to nominate me don't know who or what I am. And what's

that? My old father.

what I am. Well, do you know what she is?

Okay, just tell her what she is.

I'd be happy to do it.

There you go, Dad.

Believe me, I earned that 20 bucks and some change.

Here, honey, this is wonderful news. There is nothing here for you to get

about. What news? What are you upset about? Not now, Mike.

No, no, it's all right.

I'd like to hear what Mike has to say.

Mike?

I've been nominated for homecoming queen.

What, some kind of joke, right?

No.

So, like, uh, what is this, a circus theme this year?

Thank you, Mike.

And a lowly fool speaketh the truth.

of being my friend. Thank you everyone who cleaves into my prized bosom.

I couldn't be the regular gal I am without you.

What a lovely, albeit empty, sentiment.

Last and certainly least, Carol Seaver.

Plenty. Lovely, lovely, lovely.

Carol Sieber, we're waiting.

All right, how do I look?

Oh, no.

You?

You think you're in the same league as these people?

Now, Sieber, move it.

that you cooking bacon and eggs woke me.

I'll try to be more careful next time.

You know, to tell you the truth, Dad, I was up early to study, and, well, I was

going to make breakfast, but I ran out of crackers.

Mike, you want some breakfast?

Mike? Oh, wow.

You know, it never occurred to me to impose on you guys.

Morning, Mom.

Morning.

You guys are great feeding me like this. Put down that fork. This is Carol.

What? Well, I didn't know you'd be joining us for breakfast, Mike, so I

cook you any eggs, but there's plenty of cereal.

Cereal? You guys invited me in here for cereal?

Or crackers, if you prefer.

Hey, Mike, you want to share any part of my bacon?

Carol's not down yet? No, she's still not herself.

I love it when Carol's in the dumper.

Good morning, Mom, Dad, Benjamin, Michael.

Honey, how are you?

I'm sitting on...

Look out, Iceland.

Enough, Mike.

No, that was funny.

What? Well, Mike said it was funny.

It was a fat joke.

I know.

What's going on here?

Usually you find Mike's jokes anything but funny.

But funny?

That's a hot one, Mom.

Well, last night I had an insightful vision.

I'm cool, I'm calm, my course is set, I know exactly what I have to do and how

I'm going to do it.

All my energy is directed into one purpose, and I have none to spare for

distractions. And certainly not the puerile ramblings of this pimple -faced

band.

That's better.

Carol, where have you been? You only have five minutes to make yourself

presentable. Go.

I was talking to Mr. Zurich about the fall of the Roman Empire.

Fall of the Roman Empire.

We've got an election here, and you're thinking about seasons?

I've thought a lot about this homecoming stuff.

I brought all my...

Shelly, making Carol look like a tramp is not the way to go about this. And I'm

excited. Tramp? After much rational thought.

Here, use my blessing. A highly symbolic dream?

Is this what you're wearing right now? It sure is.

And my only choice of action is?

No makeup?

Hey, how'd you get? Are you nuts?

No, I'm realistic, and I know I don't belong with these people. Neither do we.

And when my name is called today, I'm going to decline the nomination.

You are nuts.

Nope. I just know what I am.

You were this close to royalty.

Yeah. Till you showed her the makeup you got from clown school.

Did you hear that?

Carol Seaver's going for the natural look. It's the old humble bit. Act like

don't care at all.

What a cheap way to get votes.

if you could learn from their example.

How many people did you pull from that burning building, Garrett?

24, sir.

Did you hear that?

Huh? Sir.

Turning our attention now to some more fine hooters, the candidates for

homecoming queen.

All visions of loveliness and what the hell happened to you?

Mr. DeWitt, I respectfully decline my nomination. What? You can't. I

respectfully decline my nomination, too. The head cheerleader?

Me, too. So do we.

Well done!

Well done!

Well done!

But get away. Get away.

You girls will resign over my dead body.

Got that?

Let's go with it.

Well, if they won't let me decline their stupid nomination, I just won't go to

their stupid dance tonight. Why is it stupid?

Rub my nose in it.

Rub your nose in what? The fact that they're so perfect.

Carol, it sounds to me like you're afraid that they're better than you are.

Well, obviously you have not heard a word I said, and it's a waste of time to

talk to a former homecoming queen.

Don't take that tone with me, young lady, or you'll be grounded and you

to that dance.

That's what I want, Mom. Ground me. Absolutely not.

Now, go to your room and don't come out.

to go to the dance.

And you, you wait till now to come in?

Oh, you said you wanted to have it.

And you listen to me?

Brought you a little snack.

What's the matter? I'm not fat enough for you?

Oh, no, no, you're plenty... Come on, you know what I mean.

Is this the homecoming dress you're not gonna wear?

You're not going to get me to go to that dance.

Hey, you make your own decisions. I respect them. Thank you.

Not like you're a little girl anymore.

Like in this picture?

What was this ribbon? Second grade spelling bee.

Yes. Y -E -S. Yes.

Same sense of humor as your mother.

She thinks I should go and have a pleasant memory.

No pressure here.

Your happy camper medal, remember that?

Barely, I was seven.

Remember how your mom and I had to drag you kicking and screaming to your first

happy camper meeting? Dad, with all due respect, do you have a point or are you

just babbling?

Just babbling.

Oh, there you are with your glasses on. And what was that, two years ago? I

don't even recognize that girl.

It's me.

I guess the days of overalls and baby fat are gone now, huh?

This is not the Carol Seaver I know anymore.

Dad, that's not babbling. That's a point.

Well, I just wanted to take a little trip down memory lane to see how my

girl had grown up into such an incredibly beautiful woman.

You know, things happen so fast sometimes that we just forget to see the

in a person.

And ourselves.

I liked it better when you were just babbling.

You are just like your mom.

Mike, consult me.

Don't you knock when you're raised in a barn?

That's not an insult.

What is this?

Come on, I was counting on you to treat me like you always have.

And how's that?

Like scum. Now come on, how about a fat joke for old time's sake?

A fat joke? All right.

Okay.

I asked you to sit down, but, uh... Yeah?

Oh, come on. You're taking all the fun out of this, Carol.

Okay, and how about a nerd joke? Okay, a nerd joke. Great. All right, I'll help

you. Okay, uh... Well, I asked you to sit down, but, uh... Oh, no, that was my

fat joke.

Oh, no, I'm losing it. I'm losing it. Come on, Mike. You can do it. I need one

insult. You're the only person I know who won't lie to me.

I don't do well under pressure, Carol. I know. I've seen your grade.

Hey, who's supposed to be doing the insults here? You are, Weenie. Now, come

You're not a nerd and you're not fat anymore. What do you want from me?

Oh, and the next thing you're going to say is I'm part of the in crowd and the

-list and the socials. Well, of course you are. Everybody knows that.

Oh, thanks, Mike.

Thanks for nothing. All right, all right. You know, you've got one

uh... You know, and with a face like yours, you could, uh... Oh, no, it's

It's going to be a circus theme this year.

Great dress.

You're talking to me?

Yeah.

Thank you.

I'm so nervous.

You're nervous?

What do you know?

Oh, Jennifer, you look radiant.

Thank you.

I have to throw up.

what you're thinking what that i don't belong here oh no no so you're right

what are you smiling at

i'm getting the feeling that nobody thinks they belong here well not

is in your league but you don't have to rub our noses in it not in my league oh

come on you're in all the clubs you got great greeds great hair

This is it.

Oh, no.

Not again.

Get ready, people.

I present the homecoming court.

We can't leave without Jennifer.

Oh, yes, we can.

You people need a telegram. Let's move it, move it, move it.

We're supposed to go now. In a minute.

In a minute.

It's really me.

Uh -huh. Are you having a nervous breakdown or something?

No.

I already had it.

Let's go.

Wonderful. Well, did you win the, uh, are you the new, uh, you had a good

Perfect. And the homecoming court was magnificent.

Oh, Carol, did you? No, Heather McDonald did.

We all got roses and a fake gold bracelet.

Oh, that's beautiful.

And, Mom, you were right.

It will be a wonderful memory.

Night. Night.

Oh, Carol, that is you. All right, you ready for this? All right, here it

So, like, did they make a triple -sized throne for you?

Thank you, Mike. That was very sweet.

I knew it. I am losing it.