Original subtitles

Well, I'm just saying that I wouldn't be going into work tomorrow if I were two

weeks overdue.

Well, that's because you're a better mother than I am.

Mike, singing's for kids. Besides, you promised no singing, remember?

Hey, who sang? All I said was... Quit it, Mike!

Like Mom and Dad said, it's my day.

All right, all right, it's your party, it's your rules.

Mike!

Honey, speaking as a doctor... Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason.

It's silent cake time.

I'm just saying, you know as well as I do, the big, this is it moment could

at any time.

Really? And how many babies have you had?

I'm not going to push it.

Going into work is stupid and upset.

Jason, the baby will not come... Oh, I'm sorry, Pumpkin. No more talk about the

new baby. Like we said, you are dead.

Thank you.

Go, come on, make a wish, blow out the candles. I got it.

Have you guys really not thought on any names for the baby?

Carol. What? What'd I say?

It was a lot worse than Hank. Mike!

What is Hank?

It's just a word, Dad, that apparently seems to be freaking Ben out.

And he's been a lot crabbier than you guys have been lately.

Now, wait a minute. Your mother is having a baby. This is a big sprain on

family.

You can't blame her for acting a little irrational.

Man, this is what we need, a new Caesar.

minutes apart now, and you're okay?

Uh -huh. All right.

Now, did I ever tell you back in medical school, you know, I thought an awful

lot about obstetrics and gynecology?

I bet you did.

I still don't see how you two can be so calm. I mean, Mom, you're about to give

birth. Perhaps the most painful growth human experience in the whole world.

Thank you, Carol.

Your mom and I have the advantage of having been through this a few times

before, Carol. Yeah, but you were much, much younger then.

Age has nothing to do with it. When you're prepared for a situation, you can

take anything in stride.

I'm okay. Don't worry about me. In fact, don't worry about anything. Mom, I got

your suitcase right here and Dr. Goodner's phone number.

Everything's set.

Even Mike is called? I think I'm going to be sick.

Remember, if you need anything, I am here. I'm not afraid of blood or guts or

pus or anything.

Mike, you know what you could do? You could heat me some water.

Hot water?

You mean the baby's coming right now?

Dad, you're a doctor. Can't you stop that thing?

Mike, I just wanted some tea.

Tea?

Oh.

Hey, I knew that.

Hey, Ben, Mom is, like, ready to give birth in the living room. This is major

stuff here.

And the thing, how did you get the gift of life with sea monkeys?

it out. I did. I know my mom and dad are acting like they're so calm.

It's an act.

I'll cover.

Cover this.

Oh, that's it, Mike. Act like the insensitive lout that you are.

Carol, if your voice gets any higher, only dogs will be able to hear you.

Michael Seaver, I hope that's the girl with every ounce of my being.

Well, I don't stand a chance.

Oh, Jason, this can't be happening now. Why not?

We still have to pick out names. Yeah, well, you should have thought of that

before you went into labor.

All right, Dr. Goodman knows that we're on our way.

Did you know she's a woman?

Yes.

All right, come on, everybody. Let's go. In my car. Come on. Come on. No, no,

no. We can't go in your car. Your car's in the shop.

What's it doing there?

You told me to take it there.

Oh, that was last week, Mike.

And you say I never listen.

All right, we'll take you in this car. Let's go. But you hate driving our car.

No, I don't. Yes, you do. Yes, I do, but it's just to the hospital. Well, I

don't want to put you out.

Fine.

Look, we can take my car, all right? Yeah, all right. Okay, let's go.

So when we get stopped for speeding for once, I can finally say, well, not that

I ever get stopped for speeding.

I'll drive Mike's car. But we all won't fit in Mike's car.

Then I'll drive my car, too.

Great. Great.

No. No.

No, Maggie, you can't. But I have to go. I'm the one that's... Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

All right, look, we're starting to sound like a bunch of death mental patients.

You know, Dad, you take Mom in my car and I'll take Carol's car. I don't have

car. I meant I'll take you in Mom's car.

Wait, what about Ben? Ben can't drive.

No, we almost forgot Ben.

Almost.

You take him in your car because I'll be taking Mom's car, which is really...

Well, is that your car? Yeah, it's Jason's.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, yeah.

Come on, Ben. We can't wait forever.

I think I'll just stay. I was going to watch TV tonight anyway.

Ben, you've got to stop watching TV and start living your life.

TV? He is my life.

Excuse me, I'm Jason Stever, and my wife is a patient of Dr. Goodner's, and

she's going to have a baby.

No.

Is the doctor here yet? Yes, she's scrubbing up.

Aren't you that Maggie Malone from the TV news?

Yes. I see you all the time.

Thank you. I didn't say I like you. I said I see you.

Can we just get on with the medical routine? We'll save this fiscal and

stuff for later. Fine.

See, a person tries to be friendly to people, you see what happens.

Now, before we take you off for prepping, Mrs. Malone... Mrs. Ebert.

Oh, you're one of those.

Anyway, this hospital has what is called a birthing room.

Yes, my wife and I have told the kids all about it. Sir, can I please do my

Now, this birthing room allows... the whole family to be a part of and witness

to the beauty of birth.

Exactly.

Well, this kid wants up.

Barney, we've got another customer. Let's roll.

Okay, Mom, you'll be okay.

Have fun.

Don't worry, Dad. I'll stay here with nervous little Carol.

Wait, Dad, you forgot your camera. Dr. Johnson.

Oh, just watching a birth would be so fleshy.

It's kind of like watching Alien in 3D.

I thought you were staying here because somebody's got to stay here with nervous

little Carol.

Well, if it'll make you happier, Carol, then I'll leave.

You can stay here with little Ben.

Dr. Ziegler, call admissions.

All right, Carol, what'd you do with Ben?

Me? Me?

Carol, this is no time to be thinking about yourself.

Now, was he in the elevator with us?

I...

Aye, aye. What is it with you today?

All right, now what would Ben pick now of all times to run off?

Well, I don't know. Maybe he's upset because with the new baby, he thinks

we don't have time for him. Oh, well, that's silly.

And with the new baby, we don't have time for Ben's silliness.

Carol, if you ever think about becoming a child counselor, don't.

Look, do you want to stay here and insult me, or do you want to go help me

for Ben?

Carol, what I want does not matter here, okay?

Now I'll check this floor and you go check the other eight.

The other eight?

Where have you been?

I need floors to check. What have you been doing? Checking every nook and

on this floor.

You'll never believe what I saw this orderly doing in the supply room.

All right, now Ben's got to be... someplace obvious.

No, I already checked. The cafeteria's not open at this hour.

Well, I guess we should have to tell Mom and Dad that you've lost him. I lost

him. Good, you admit it.

Would you tell them anything now?

Are you out of your mind? One of their children is missing.

Oh, come on, Mike. Don't you think that they're a little busy?

With what?

Oh.

You guys think you're so cute.

Kid, you don't belong here.

It's official.

Oh, shut up,

Jason.

You're doing just fine, Maggie. Won't be long now.

Eight centimeters dilated.

Thank you, Doctor.

You're welcome, Doctor.

Come on, Maggie, you can do it. You can do it, Maggie.

You can do it? That's supposed to make me feel better? You call yourself a

coach?

That's good, Maggie. Take your mind off your pain.

Take my mind off my pain, okay?

Do you know how annoying it is to be married to someone with your toilet

leaves the seat up.

That's what did in my first marriage.

Does he leave half a sheet on the roll without replacing it?

Constantly. Men can be such babies.

Speaking of babies, can we just get on with this one? Thank you.

It's okay, Mike. We got the right room this time.

Come on in.

Where's Ben? Ben?

Uh, I mean, uh, Ben.

He's waiting in the cafeteria.

A little squeamish about coming in, huh? Yeah.

We've got to take this place apart until we find him. I know.

You just go tell him it's not so scary being in here.

What am I even trying to tell you for the last hour, Carol?

Could you fix this for me? I don't bend over so good.

Uh, yeah.

Ah, thanks.

I owe you.

Can you smoke in a hospital?

Are you a doctor? No. A nurse? No. An orderly? No. I can smoke in a hospital.

So who the hell are you?

Ben Seaver.

Ben Seaver?

The Ben Seaver? You heard of me? No.

So, Ben Seaver, what are you doing here?

Nothing. Oh, well, good. Then you come in, we can shoot a fat.

Fat? I lost ten pounds.

Amy, talk.

Jaw. Chat.

Get down.

Come on in.

Nice place, huh?

Oh, by the way, I'm Chris Longshot Ganey. You can call me Chris.

Okay. So, let me guess.

You wander hospitals for a living.

You're not much of a conversationalist, are you?

You got some problems?

I don't know.

Oh, come on. You're the first person I've seen around here without a needle

his hand.

Maybe I can help you out with your problem, huh?

You need to make me feel better.

You know, I'd love to have guys tell me they have problems. That's what I do for

a living.

My dad does the same thing.

No kidding. He's a bartender, too?

You know what that must have been?

I've inhaled some of that anesthesia or something.

Probably your socks.

Scott, I just want you to take it easy for a while, okay?

Oh, excuse me, Jason. There is another patient here.

Oh, yes, yes. This is my special patient, my one and only patient. You're

going to let that help me look good, then, are you?

Carol, I am just as concerned as you are about the whole pocket, all right?

You know, Chris, I didn't even get to open my presents.

They didn't even sing to me.

Oh, Benny, Benny, Benny, pull yourself together.

Me again.

You're not driving, are you?

Huh? Bartender joke.

I don't get it, Chris.

I just don't get it. I mean, I figured it'd be all right with this new kid

coming, but he's crowding me already.

And he's not even born yet.

Right. I mean, I've been the youngest keeper my whole life. Before that, I was

nothing. Now with this new kid coming, what am I now? Nothing.

Nothing? Come on, Benny.

You're getting carried away, aren't you? Hey, that's not the milk talking, is

it?

I gotta just face it. I'm being replaced.

You wouldn't have any cookies to go with this, would you?

If they catch me with these, they're gonna give me a physic.

What's a physic? You don't wanna know? Eat the cookies.

Now, look, Benny Powell, since you and me go back a long way, I'm gonna tell

something I don't tell everybody.

You know, in all my years as a bartender, I've seen a lot of things.

birth, and everything else.

And the biggest lesson I've learned is, well, all those old cliches are true.

Time does heal all wounds.

Life does go on.

Twelve -year -olds do not listen to you.

Now, look, since I didn't know it was your birthday, I didn't have time to

your present.

But take it anyway, huh?

It's a little advice from an old man.

You know, I'll tell you, I've been a lot of things. A bartender, a veteran, a

Kiwanian. Or is it a Rotarian? I can never get that right.

Also, I've also been a husband, a father, a son.

But do you know the thing I enjoyed being best?

A big brother.

Big brother?

You got a big brother?

What do you think of him? Oh, he's the best.

He treats him like a doofus, but he's the greatest guy in the world.

Now, think about how nice it would be to have someone around who thought that

same way about you. I mean, even if you did treat him like a doofus.

Doofus. Whatever.

Ben Thiever, you are a lucky man. You are not being replaced.

You're being added on to.

Hey, pal, this is not a gift you're going to get every birthday.

From now on, you're going to be Big Brother Ben.

Big Brother Ben?

Mm -hmm.

Another thing I've learned as a bartender, if you can't solve a guy's

try and help him forget it.

So, as a result of that, I happen to have a top shelf of top shelf jokes

guaranteed to crack the sourest puss up into hysterical laughter.

You ready?

What's got four legs, a tail, and barks? A dog. You heard it.

Oh, Jason, I'm never going through this again.

Oh, that's what you said after Mike.

And Carol.

And Ben.

Here it comes.

Oh, Jason, this is just not something a four -year -old woman should do.

You want a boy or you want a girl?

What do you got?

All right, I give up. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Hey, shufflies, will you?

Now, listen, I probably shouldn't tell you this one, but the creepiest girl you

ever saw walks into a bar dressed like a fish.

My fins? I thought they were your fins.

You know it?

Yep.

Boy, that's a pretty racy joke.

I know. My big brother told it to me.

Well, that's enough of corrupting the morals of a miner. Let's get back to

gambling.

All right.

You ready?

Ready. Got any sevens? Go fish.

You know, Chris, smoking those things is bad for you.

That's all right, Penny.

These cigars won't hurt me.

Nothing will.

So you're getting out of here real soon?

Yeah, soon.

Great, because maybe you could come visit me then.

Chris?

Your turn, your turn.

Hey, Ben, what the heck have you been doing?

Gambling and telling dirty jokes.

Ben, we've been looking all over for you. I didn't know.

Yeah, I hope my stupid brother hasn't been bothering you. Oh, he's been a real

pain in the neck.

Come on, Ben, the new baby's here.

That's your big brother?

Well, he seems like a neat guy.

Well, what do you think you got, a new brother or a new sister?

I don't care.

Hey, I don't believe that.

Now you go on down there and find out what it is. Go on, go, go, go, go.

Bye, Chris.

So long, pal.

Oh,

Jason, she's beautiful.

Just like your mother.

Oh, Maggie, you did it.

Oh, we did it.

Sweetheart, I'm so...

Sorry for all my yelling at you.

Yelling? What yelling?

I want you to know that I love being married to you and you can leave the

seat up until we're old and gray.

I think that's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me.

I want to say hello to your new baby

sister. Sister?

It's a girl? You mean I went through all that for another girl?

Are you sure it's a girl?

Yeah, pretty sure.

Can I hold her?

Now it's finally even.

Mike, do you want to hold her?

I know. No, no, no. I might break her or something.

Weenie.

Hey.

Major Weenie.

She weighs less than a bowling ball.

I was never this small.

Oh, you were.

A whole new seaver.

I guess that makes six of us now.

Growing up?

Yeah, I never thought I'd be this allergic.

Well, there are some things in life no amount of planning can ever make you

ready for.

And holding a newborn baby is probably the best one in the whole world.

Here, Ben, you want to hold her?

You're big brother Ben now.

Big brother Ben.

So what do you think?

I think she's cool.

She's who?

Look, Jason, we can't hold off naming her any longer now.

Yeah, I know, I know. Well, let's tell the kids the name we agreed on.

Irma. I never agreed to Irma. I agreed to Sophie.

Sophie? Hey, hey, how do you feel about Apollonia?

Chris.

Gotta be Chris.

Chris.

I like that name.

Yeah, I like it too.

Where'd you come up with that, Ben?

It's the name of a guy I know.

A friend.

Christine Seaver.

Christine Seaver.

Sounds like a name.

I'm going to be a good big brother, Chris.

You'll see.

I don't even mind sharing my birthday with you.

Christine Seaver, 8 pounds, 4 ounces, born 12 .03 a

.m. 12 .03?

You mean it's tomorrow, the day after my birthday?

Well, it's one way of looking at it.

Oh, right!

Hey, I almost forgot.

Congratulations,

Mr. Seaver.

Have a cigar.

Happy birthday, Cracker.

I'm going to mold her into the total woman of the 21st century.

Looking forward to that.

Look at all these babies.

They've all got families.

Brothers and sisters.

It really makes you stop and think about what's important in life.

Mike, every once in a while you make me really proud to be your sister.

Oh, hey, look at the twins on that nurse.

What's with you people? Don't you like babies?