Original subtitles

Bounce it, Jenny. Bounce it.

Hit to the basket.

Hey, I'm open. I'm open. Do it, Jenny.

Hey, foul.

You're foul.

Watch it, you pig dog war hog.

I gotta go. Ballet class.

Good game, Ben. Nice going, Jenny. We're still champs.

Stinky, try croquet.

You know, next game it'll be you on your butt.

Who cares?

Still you guys coming to my Halloween party? You bet.

But you didn't RSVP. I get smacked if I do that in public.

Just don't forget to bring a guest.

Yes, you know what I mean.

Hi, Mom.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Hello, Miss Seaver.

Yo.

Yo.

Mrs. Seaver's pregnant.

Grow up, you guys. It's a perfectly natural bodily function.

Natural bodily function?

Knock it off, you guys.

Yeah, yeah.

Listen, I gotta breathe. See you later. See you, Vito.

Ben, you gotta tell me. What does RSVP stand for?

Don't you know anything?

Just tell me.

RSVP means refreshments served at Vito's party.

Did your father still with the patient?

Uh -huh.

Darn, I was hoping he'd cook dinner.

Uh -huh.

Would you tell him that I am too tired to cook?

Uh -huh.

I'll be upstairs taking a nap. Uh -huh.

Mike, you haven't heard a word I've said.

Uh -huh.

Mike? Uh, Dad flaked on the cook in your tent, so you'll be upstairs waiting for

his apology.

Oh, you were listening.

But I won't get it. It's a great costume.

Why won't your mom let you wear it? It's like dressing up like garbage is wrong

for a kid named Stinky.

Isn't this going to be a long conversation?

Oh, what are you going to be?

My usual, a dead guy with a meat cleaver in his head and my eyeballs hanging

out.

Ooh, I could be a big bloody boil growing out of your back.

All right!

Uh, guys, kids, kids, kids, come on now, aren't you a little old for trick -or

-treat? We're not kids, and it's not trick -or -treat.

Party at Vito Paducci's, junior high only.

It's in a horse barn.

Yeah, there's gonna be plenty of R .S. at V .P.

Lansing.

Lansing? That's what gave me the boil idea.

No, no, no, no. Guys, it doesn't say Lansing. It says dancing.

Oh.

And it also says you and a guest.

Now, what girl wants to be seen with you with a meat cleaver stuck in your head

and the stink man here riding piggyback?

Let's get ready to begin.

Well, you better make up your mind within the next two days because you

can't go to a boy -girl party without a girl.

What are we going to do?

Guess we'll kiss the boil goodbye.

Haven't you been listening to my brother? We have to come up with dates

party or just forget it.

I've got it.

I could dress up like a girl and be your date.

I don't date girls named Stinky.

You don't date any girls.

Where the heck are we going to find girls?

Be on the safe side. I'm going to go home and try on one of my sister's

That's crazy.

You got a better idea?

Maybe it'll be cute.

What am I saying?

Mike, is your mom home yet?

Uh -huh. Yeah, did you tell her I didn't have time to cook dinner?

Uh -huh.

She upstairs?

Uh -huh.

Have you heard a single word I've said?

Yeah, you want to know if Mom's tense about you blowing off cooking dinner?

She is.

Better see what I can whip up for dinner.

Hey, Doc. Hey, Ben.

Hey, don't spoil your appetite.

I'm cooking a wonderful dinner tonight, whether I like it or not.

Mike, you've got to help me. Ben, I'm busy.

But you told me I need a date, and I don't know how.

Oh, come on, Ben. Every time you ask me about girls, you always end up saying

grub. Hey, I'm in junior high now.

All right, I guess it's about time you give your heart and soul to a foxy

female. Gross!

I mean, can't you just tell me how to get a date for the party so I won't look

like a weenie?

All right, all right.

Now listen up, I'm going to say three words.

You got a pencil and paper?

I'm ready. Okay.

Ask a girl.

Ask a... Do you enjoy making me suffer?

Yeah, all right, I'll help you.

All right. Okay, lesson number one.

A telephone is the lonely guy's best friend.

I'm not calling one of those 976 numbers.

No, no, no, no, no. Now think about it. Now who have you got the hots for?

Tiffany. Great. What's her last name?

I don't know. Her albums just say Tiffany.

Hey, come on. Think shorter. All right. Now call someone.

Anyone.

He's a master chef.

He's a psychiatrist.

Stop. You're both right.

No.

He's actually a husband dealing with a woman in the midst of a hormone rush.

Oh, honey.

Yes, well, I hope you've kept room in there tonight for a big meal.

Jason, don't make fun of the way I look. I am not in the mood.

Uh -huh.

Well, did we have a good day?

No one in history who is eight months and two weeks pregnant has ever had a

day. I forgot my history.

Oh, honey, I'm being so mean to you, and I love you so much. Oh, that's all

right, sweetheart. I understand. I love you, too.

Come on, over here now.

You are about to have a very special dinner in no time.

Dinner? Yeah.

You're wasting your time cooking when we have Lamaze to practice? I mean, we

have a three -hour refresher course coming up tomorrow, and we haven't done

in 12 years, Jason. Sometimes I just don't get you at all.

I think I handled that rather well.

But I've sat behind you in class my whole life.

You remember me?

Plumpy advice.

Hello, this is Ben Stever.

Please don't hang up. I'm probably wasting my time by asking, but you

want to go to Vito Paducci's Halloween party with me, would you?

You would? Wow.

It's Friday. My parents and I will pick you up at 8.

They're driving.

Because I'm not old enough to.

12? How old are you?

36?

Who's the lucky girl?

Well, three girls aren't allowed to date. Four said their parents won't let

go because they have older sisters who dated you.

Really?

Bye.

Bye.

Well, Ben, maybe you're just not an on -the -phone kind of guy. I mean, maybe

they need to see the desperation in your eyes in order to say yes.

What's with these girls?

Why do they have to act so weird? Why can't they be like Stinky or Jenny or

Vito? Excuse me for interrupting. And you know how I hate to interrupt.

But, uh, Jenny is a girl.

Uh, Carol, I believe Ben was asking me... Shut up, Mike.

Tell me more.

Out of the way, Mike.

Come on.

All right, Ben.

She's just a girl. It's no big deal. I'll ask her like Mike and Carol said.

What gives, Ben?

thinking about Halloween coming up, and I... Oh, yeah, you want to go down to

the construction sites and tip over the porta -potties?

Oh, that sounds great.

But have, uh, you heard about Vito's cool party?

The jerkface didn't invite me, and I wouldn't be caught dead there.

Don't panic. Try again.

See, I think he only invited guys. Then the guys were supposed to bring the

girls. You mean like a date?

Yeah, exactly.

Ew, who wants to hang out with some goony boys with sweaty palms?

I'm throwing it.

Besides, Halloween's supposed to be fun.

Tell me about it.

So, you want to tip over the porta -potties or what?

Jenny, I gotta have a date and I don't know any real girls, so I'm asking you,

you want to go or not?

Never mind, the whole thing's stupid. I'm stupid.

Okay.

Okay what?

I can tip over toilets another time.

I'll go with you.

All right.

But don't pick me up. Well, me too at your house. I don't want anyone to think

this is a real date.

Me either.

Remember, when you get home before you eat any of this candy, let your parents

check every single thing in these bags.

You see, there are some very creepy people out there who like to hurt little

children by putting awful things in their candy like poison.

What did I say?

Maggie, let's go. We're going to be late for Lamont's class.

Jason, I can never move fast enough for you.

It's all right. Take your time. Take your time, honey.

Let's go. We're late.

Bye, kids. We're going to Lamaze.

Bye. Wait, wait, wait!

You can't leave. You've got to take me to Beatles Party and pick me up when

over. I don't think his dad was driving you.

That was before we had dates.

Dates? Jason, he has a date?

It's not really a date. It's just Jenny.

Oh, for a date.

Seems like only yesterday that he was playing basketball with his little

That was yesterday.

But I know what you mean.

So you'll take us and pick us up at 10?

Honey, we can take you, but we're in class until 11.

But you got to, you got to, you got to.

Ben, relax and have a carrot.

I wouldn't push your mom on this, Ben. She's a wee bit touchy.

Mom!

Look, why don't we have Mike pick you?

My little monk's first date.

Mom! don't start crying for the kajillionth time. This is just Jenny

She's just somebody I get dirty and sweaty with. This is not a date.

Somebody open the door!

Keep your pants on!

It's a date.

A dancer that makes you even more nuts than usual.

Hello, creatures of the dark.

Tell them it's Padoochie. You recognize me.

What do you think of my costume?

They look great.

It looks great.

And this is your little day.

No. Yes.

How cute.

Have fun.

What did you say yes for?

Because...

date party and i don't want to get kicked out oh for a second there i

you meant it nah hey you guys meet my date

guess what i am a very lonely boy

nope i'm a tv evangelist

We could dance. Gross.

Oh, no.

Who better? Before some jerk face asks me and tries to drool in my ear.

She's crazy about me.

Welcome,

Lamazers. I'm your instructor, Sonia Olsen -Pugh, R .N., and I'll be your

guide on the thrilling adventure of natural childbirth.

Yes. Will any doctors be speaking?

There isn't anything a doctor can tell you about this experience that I can't.

Your doctors aren't even going to be there for most of the labor.

You see, most doctors in my vast experience resent Lamaze because the

know, the less you need them.

You have a question?

Well, more of a statement, actually. See, I happen to be... Jason.

I do not mean to get into a debate about this woman's opinion of doctors. We're

here to study Lamont's period. If you have any love for me at all, you will

tell anyone you love a doctor.

Yes, sir, you were saying you happen to be a... I happen to be a mechanic.

And I just wanted everyone to know.

Sure.

Oh, my gosh, there he is, right next to the punch bowl.

Who? Vito Paducci.

How do I look?

You mean I didn't tell you? Boy, I should have, because you look... Ben,

you do me a favor?

You name it. Go ask him if he likes me.

Who? Vito.

Vito? You said he was a jerk face.

Tell him I like him, too, okay?

But only after he says he likes me. You got all that?

But she is my date.

Sure, yeah, no problem.

You're a buddy, then.

Why am I doing this?

Die, you dog!

Vito, you kill a monk, you go to hell. Hey, shh!

Don't cuss with my mom around.

Great party, huh?

Sort of.

I was supposed to ask you what you think of Jenny Foster.

Oh, yeah, I noticed you brought her.

Couldn't get a real date, huh, Seaver? Hey, Jenny is a real date, my date.

Well, then how come you're asking me if I like her? I don't know, just do you

like her or not?

Techno? Great. Who's she trying to kid in that dress? She thinks she's so cool

about basketball and stuff, and she really stinks, you know?

She's so butt ugly, she makes me barf.

You're as dumb as you look.

Oh, I look dumb? Yeah, you're not good enough for Jenny.

Hey, you got the hots for her.

I do not.

Then why are we fighting? I don't know. We're kids.

Well, does he like me?

You really want to know?

Tell me, tell me, tell me. I'll tell you all right.

Of course he likes you. Oh, I knew it, I knew it. I'm very sensitive to what

people are feeling.

I wouldn't be too sure of that.

Evening, fair maiden.

Yo, Robin, a word?

Whatever you do, don't tell Jenny you really hate her.

Actually, I kind of like her.

Good, very convincing.

No, I mean it.

What? What you said made me think.

Might be cool. to go out with a chick who can dribble.

Hold it. First you hate her, then you like her?

Hey, I'm Italian.

But you said she was butt ugly. Hey, watch it, Steve -er. You're talking

my main squeeze.

His main squeeze?

How did that happen?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where did I lose control of this?

Hi, Depp.

That was stinky.

We're going to sit this one out, too.

This is eight centimeters dilation.

This is a full ten centimeters.

Now, at this point... Boy, I'm finding out a hell of a lot more than I wanted

know.

The human body never fails to excite me. I just... I mean, the heart, the lungs,

the brain, the way they all...

move together. You know, it's like a well -oiled machine.

And then the female reproductive system, the most miraculous of all.

Uh -huh.

We got a real sicko here.

What?

What, honey?

What is it?

I'm having a baby! Uh -oh! We're all having babies here. Big deal!

Is she supposed to breathe or something? Believe me, honey, you're breathing.

Isn't she supposed to push?

Honey, we haven't learned that yet. She's fading.

All right, everyone, just be calm.

You just stay right where you are and I'll go call a doctor.

Can I be a doctor now? Of course. What are you waiting for?

Excuse me. I can help here. Hey, buddy, this is not a little job.

Just be calm.

We should clear something up here. See, my husband isn't really a mechanic.

Why do you call my wife or Chevy these new spark plugs?

Need to check your dilation. Hey, you grease monkey, get your hands off my

Well, look, Ben, if people only went out with people that they liked, then

dating would end up in marriage and people wouldn't have any fun.

She's going to find out real soon that Vito's not the guy for her.

I'm never dating again.

Well, at least you're dressed for it.

Go ahead, make jokes. I'm through with dating.

As far as I can tell, Stinky has the right idea.

Ben, come on. You've got to get back on that horse.

What do horses have to do with this? I'm talking about girls.

Let's talk about horses.

Now, listen, the real nice thing you did was bearing Jen's feelings, even if she

did dump on you.

I mean, hey, where do you think I'd be if I let every girl that dumped me?

I mean, uh... Are you actually saying that girls dumped you?

Are you crazy?

The truth?

Yeah.

All right, maybe once or twice.

Half a dozen times tops.

Really?

Yeah. See that girl over there? She likes you. Who?

The nurse.

How can you tell?

Well, she's watching you.

Any minute now, she's going to giggle and turn away.

Wow.

So ask her to dance.

Me? No way.

This is Ben.

And you are?

Molly.

Ben?

Would you, um, like to, um, dance?

Go dance.

Go dance.

False labor, too. Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

I've been accused of being a pervert, punched out, asked to change people's

for free.

And you did all that just to humor me.

Well, I love you, honey.

And I've treated you so bad. Well, it's all right. I know it's not you. That's

just the hormones talking.

Oh, sure.

You men just love to blame everything on that, don't you?

Nothing like yours. You okay, Dad? I'm fine.

I've just accepted the fact that females occasionally are totally irrational.

Oh, cute, Dad. Really cute.

Maybe it is me.