Original subtitles

Attention. Attention, please.

I am the principal, Willis DeWitt, for the benefit of those of you who haven't

bothered to attend a single PTA meeting in the past four years.

No, no, hold it!

My mom wouldn't miss my graduation for the world! And she's in that darn

bathroom again!

I don't know you very well.

She's pregnant? I mean, you see, my dad... Never mind.

Go away.

I just didn't want to arrive late and create a scene. We are not going to

a scene.

Why is everyone staring at us?

Oh, it's your imagination.

I'm sure you all recognize Maggie Malone from the Channel 19 News.

Here's four seats if we can get this old lady to move.

Go, let's go, let's go. Take them quickly. Then stop yelling.

Excuse me, would you mind moving down? My wife would love to sit on the aisle.

We heard.

Comfy? Uh, yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today in the Elizabeth Long Diddle

Memorial Auditorium to pay tribute to the Dewey High School class of 1988.

And here are your Hooters, standing tall and proud.

I did it. I actually did it. I actually made it through this school.

No, no, I didn't say that. I don't want to jinx it.

He did it. My baby actually did it.

Mike, you actually made it through high school.

Wow. He did it.

I didn't think that. I don't want to jinx this.

I hate this weenie suit.

Thank you, Mr. Bowser.

The Hooter Madrigals have never sounded... sweeter.

And I wish you well at your new school.

I'd like to present to you the student body president, Richard Sebald.

Mr. Versuccio in detention.

Past Hooters.

Future Hooters.

Carrot Hooters.

Welcome.

Four score and several years ago.

My baby's graduating.

Where did the years go?

In the resulting millennium.

Turn your head just a little. All right, now both of you smile.

Honey, Mike, he's only a week old. Do you really think that... Maggie,

he was smiling perfectly. Don't talk.

Oh, honey, you're going to have to be a little patient with your dad. He's never

been a father before.

Mikey, say cheese, Mikey.

Hurry, Jason.

I want to get just the right expression on his little... Oh,

Maggie, you yawn.

I'm sorry, Jason.

Oh, baby, I'm sorry to put you through this.

All right, I've got lots more film.

You know, he was smiling perfectly in every shot.

Jason, he was not. He was. He's a smiler. He takes after his mom.

Sweetheart, babies his age do not smile.

No? Well, then why did it look like he was smiling in every shot?

He has gas.

Like I said, he takes after his mom.

Oh, Jason.

That was just a little joke just to get the right expression.

Oh, Jason, there's a baby in our room.

I'll call the police.

Here comes Mommy.

Honey, if only you weren't breastfeeding. Boy, I'd sure like to

I know, too.

Hey, little guy.

You ready for your midnight snack?

Oh,

I thought so. I thought so.

Yes, I thought so.

Chow down, big guy.

Boy, you're hungry.

Want to know a secret?

I don't mind getting up in the middle of the night for you at all.

In fact, I kind of like it.

Yeah?

Surprise me, too.

Don't tell your father. I like him feeling guilty.

My little guy.

Before you know it, we won't be having these midnight talks anymore.

We'll be going off to kindergarten, then grammar school, then high school, then

college, then the White House.

In his annual State of the Union address to the Congress, President Nixon today

promised a speedy end to the war in Vietnam.

Yeah, right.

Oh, kick me a little, Republican, you.

Will I tell your daddy when he gets home?

The president concluded his speech with the promise to bring the boys home

before the end of this year.

You'd better.

He's great.

Ask not what your school can do for you. Ask what your school can do for your

country.

Thank you.

Bob, it wasn't that great a speech.

What? What the hell am I applauding for?

It doesn't matter. My son is graduating.

Hey, Mikey, Mikey, what are you doing?

Reading.

But we don't tear books apart.

No, books are our friend.

I'm sorry.

Okay, then. You come up here, sit on Daddy's knee, because I'm going to read

a story. No.

Yeah. Come on, I want you to see what wonderful worlds there are inside these

books. No.

No, no, no, no. Shh.

You're going to wake up Carol.

No.

Michael, come on. Now, what have you got against books? I hate them. I want to

play. Hey, but you're going to need books, you know, for your education.

No, I'm not going to school. I'll be fine.

Okay, but then what are you going to do to earn a living when you grow up?

Play.

Oh, come on, Mikey. You're going to love your first day at school.

I wish I was old enough to go to school. Shut up, Carol.

No, yes.

Yeah. Hey, hey, hey, kids, kids.

Mikey, you'll see how much fun it is.

That's what he said when we went to the dentist.

Come on, now, look over there. There's another little boy just your age. He's

all dressed up for school, and he looks so happy.

Oh, come on, Mikey. You're going to miss the bus.

Dad, Mom, could you let me go to the bus by myself?

I don't want to look like a wimp.

Oh, but, honey, you have to cross the street, and I just... Oh, sure, Mikey.

Yeah.

Well... Okay, Mikey. Have a great first day.

Help

you.

You're fine, honey.

Yeah, right.

Stupid name.

Yeah, yeah it is. I hate it.

Mr. Bone?

Boney? Bone?

you today. I thought about you all the time. Oh, how was school today?

I must have the best dad on earth.

How was school?

I love you, Dad.

Mike, come on. I was asking you how... Oh, I love you, too.

Hi, honey.

Oh, hiya, sweetheart.

Mikey, did you tell your dad about your report card?

Uh, oh.

Oh.

Go ahead, Mikey.

I love you, Mommy.

Well, that won't work on us, sweetheart. We aren't stupid.

It worked on...

Thank you for that. A stirring song.

Stirring ending.

Well, I see no reason to prolong this, Aggie. I keep our nervous graduates in

suspense.

A diploma.

This is it.

This is it.

This is it.

This is it.

If he thinks he's getting this armrest, he's crazy.

I didn't do it. I didn't touch that woman. I swear.

Would you hurry up?

Accidents will happen.

I want those diplomas now or you're gone.

I'm doing the best I can.

Oh, how would you survive if you had to get a real job?

I know.

Why don't we have Mr.

Bowser's Hooter Madrigal do another little ditty for us, huh?

Class, I'll be calling your names in alphabetical order.

Edward, Cornelius, Zeph.

Get down here, mister.

Cornelius.

Zeph.

Now you sit down, mister.

Estelle.

Estelle. I thought these were in alphabetical order.

I know you did.

This is just great. Mr.

Zeph, what, do you need an engraved invitation?

This is the perfect graduation for Mike.

Why?

Because it stinks.

Carol, you've got something stuck between your teeth.

What? Yeah, and it's really...

There's nothing in between my teeth.

So there's nothing in between your ears either.

Fine, the thin mark.

What's this?

For Carol, personal.

P -U -R -S -I -N -A -L.

It's for Mike.

Okay, sucker, you owe me 50 bucks plus interest from July 4th, 1976.

Mike.

July 4th, 1976?

That's what I said.

Honey, look at the tall ships.

Oh, wow, that's beautiful.

See, Mommy? Daddy's right.

We don't need color.

Thanks, Mikey.

This historic day, President Ford is mounting the steps of the podium to...

Oops.

No, no, no, not until we finish your reading assignment.

Leave him alone, Carol. Your brother has a lot of catching up to do this summer.

Thank you. Come on, Mikey.

Read this line.

I hate this book.

Oh, how do you know? You haven't even read it.

I heard about it.

I'll just wait for the movie.

Mikey.

Okay, okay.

Don't help me.

wag his tail.

Maggie, did you just... I heard her! She can read!

Four years old and she can read!

It's a miracle.

Oh, it's fantastic!

Our little genius. Oh, I've got to go call Mom and Dad. Yes, I'll get the

for you.

Turn the page.

I want to see how it comes out.

You've got to make me look bad, don't you?

Yeah.

Big deal.

So what if you can read? It doesn't mean nothing.

it does. It means I'm smart and you're stupid.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

You're never even gonna graduate. I bet you 50 bucks I do.

Okay, sucker.

Let's graduate.

Okay,

sucker, you owe me 50 bucks plus interest from July 4th, 1976.

Mike.

Michael Keever.

No way. That's a mistake.

What? What?

Should read Michael Keever. Gee.

You did that on purpose.

Well, Michael, do you want to see my diploma? What?

Oh, sure.

Bonus to bone?

It's me.

You have a boner on your diploma?

Yeah, it cost extra.

I love Bone. Boner was fine when we were kids, but it can be a pretty stupid

name. Yeah?

Yeah, it is. I hate it.

I mean, Richard's not that bad.

All right. Hey, what about Rick?

Rick's the bone.

Yeah, I kind of like that.

Of course, my mom's going to have to change all the tags on my underwear.

Congratulations, ceremony.

No. No.

It can't be all of them. There's got to be one more.

Let's tell.

Guess I stepped on it.

You said it.

Michael Aaron.

Oh,

it might be a shame.

and stuff.

Enjoying yourself?

Yeah, I'm just relaxing, Dad.

Yeah, good. Well, you better get to bed. School tomorrow.

Gotcha.

Yeah, well, you know, it's kind of hard getting used to the idea that all that

junk is behind me now.

Well, don't.

What?

Mr. DeWitt called. They've rechecked your records.

Dad. Gotcha again.

This is fun.

Yeah, it's a real hoot.

Well, the truth is you work very hard and you deserve a rest. That's right.

is your time now to relax and kick back, have some fun.

Yeah. Especially since the summer session of Al Flandin Junior College

about three weeks.

No, no, no, no, no. You didn't get me that time, Dad.

Well, that time I wasn't joking.

You're joking.

No. No.

Well, um, you know, Dad, I've been wanting to talk to you about that. See,

know that I told you that I was planning to go to Al Flandin, but... In the last

couple of weeks, I've been doing some serious thinking, and, well, I think now

is the best time to let you know about my decision.

What?

Well, Boner and I have enlisted in the Marines.

Mike, what? Wait a minute. Gotcha.