Original subtitles

Your term reports are due tomorrow, and they should be typed on a typewriter.

You know that machine where you put the paper in and it goes... Ding!

Is Fitz Lubbock here?

Uh, no, no, he just stepped out for a second. He, uh, he went out to polish

head.

I'll have to tell him that when I get home.

What? He's my dad.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Hey, Cindy, where's dad?

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

I mean, I feel like after all this time, I don't even know Lubbock at all.

And when he walks out of this building, he actually has his own life.

I mean, what does he do? Where does he live?

The little gopher didn't even listen to me.

So, as of the end of the semester, I'm fired.

Harold, look, I mean, this guy has really given me a lot. And I just want a

chance to give him something back.

Coach Loving is a good teacher. He cares.

Well, he's not paid to care. He's paid to win football games.

Mike, Carol, please, let's go. They're talking about having you arrested.

I'm sorry, Mom, but I am in this thing, and I'm staying.

They'll have to bash us over our heads and carry out our limp bodies.

Jason, will you please talk some sense into these kids?

Look, kids, here, I think that, um... Jason, what are you

doing? I'm sitting in.

We won't go. Hey, no, we won't go. Hey, no, we won't go. Watch their heads, you

zombies.

Show me that smile again. Show me that smile.

Don't waste another minute on your crying.

We're nowhere near being. We're nowhere near.

The best is ready to begin.

As long as we got each other.

Oh, my family's been busted!

Hello?

Yeah, Stinky, I just saw it, too. Isn't it fantastic?

Oh, hold on a second, Stinky. I got another call.

Hello? Yeah, Grandma?

Yeah, I saw it, too.

I'm shocked and embarrassed, too.

Way to go, Cindy.

Thank you.

You'll be thin like Wendy in no time.

Young man, when I was your age, we didn't have me.

Over 30 policemen are here.

is Coach Graham Lovett. It's about you, Daddy. It's about you.

All right, I'll be right back. All right. Who didn't replace the toilet

After nine years... Shh, I just thought the baby was... No, no, no.

Graham.

Graham, honey, get in here quick.

After 12 years, this dedicated man...

All right, now, kids, does this mean I'm not going to get my braces?

All right, let me explain something.

This is an empty roll, and this is a full roll.

We love you, even if you have been exterminated.

Okay, Uncle Homer, I'll tell him you were stunned and saddened.

This was the most humiliating day of my entire life.

This is the most exhilarating day of my life.

Yeah, mine too. I'm going to get deloused on a regular basis.

I was frisked by a fat woman.

Well, I was very proud of all of you. Does anybody want to talk to Uncle

Ben, we don't have an Uncle Homer.

Very funny.

You guys haven't lived till you've been strip searched.

Jason, may I have a word with you in the kitchen now?

What'd you say?

Yeah, they were really upset.

So I made them a peanut butter and jelly and marshmallow sandwich.

I am bushed.

Say you didn't see me. Say you don't know me.

Boner, it's all right. Wait, I'll just explain to your folks.

There you are, you little jailbird.

Richard, are you all right? He ain't been all right since the day he was

Sylvester, please, I just want to say that Boner... Hey, the less said, the

better. Get your butt in the car. Come on.

Richard. You are no longer allowed to play with Mikey.

Take a minute and say your goodbye.

See you tomorrow, Mikey.

Later, Bone.

Jason, kitchen, now.

Dad, Dad, come on, come on, Dad. We have to plan out our strategy here. All

right, now what's next?

Well, let me tell you what we did back in the peace riots of 1960s.

All right, all right, I got it. Okay, now tomorrow, when the coach shows up

school, we're going to... We're going to do nothing, Mike. I've had it. I've had

my fingerprints and a very unflattering mugshot taken.

And I've been suspended from school.

Do you know what all of that means?

What? It means that when I graduate, I won't be receiving the perfect

award.

Oh, no!

suspended from school.

Carol's perfect attendance record is ruined.

Oh, no!

What have I done?

Jason, there are times when I think that your sense of humor is of very

attractive quality.

This is not one of them.

Okay, well, what happened today, Maggie, was that our son, a boy who doesn't

even know how to spell commitment, much less have one.

Today he puts himself on the line completely not for himself, no, but to

unselfishly help somebody else.

A teacher, one of the enemy.

I think this has been a pretty good day.

Honey, honey, it never would have occurred to me to look at things that

Thank you.

Now, what do you think?

I think you're a raving nutball. Oh, I'm not a raving nutball.

Oh, yeah? And was Martin Luther B .B. King a fool, too?

Where did Carol get these crazy ideas?

She inherited them.

You're old enough to finally be told, Mike, your mother's wacko.

Dad, do you think I should give up?

Well, do you believe in this cause?

Well, I don't know about a cause, but, I mean, I just think that it is totally

unfair for the coach to lose his job.

I mean, out of all the teachers there at Dewey, he's the only one who believed

in me.

Dad, I just want to help the coach.

Coach, hey, did you see what was on television? Peter, why didn't you just

me? Hold on there, Coach Lubbock. You know what this kid did for you?

Golly gee, heck, everybody knows what he did. It was on Action News.

That's how my kids found out their old man's being fired at the end of the

Oh, Coach, look, I'm sorry. Oh, don't be sorry, because I'm not being fired at

the end of the year anymore.

All right.

No, you see, Superintendent Flagle, he doesn't like his school being on the

news. So he called the whip.

And DeWitt called me, and he said, I'm gone as of today.

Thanks, kid.

Mom!

Yes? Uh, come.

Uh, Cindy?

Yes, honey?

You've been out here a long time.

Oh, well, I'm just waiting for your father to come home from driving around

aimlessly.

Well, could you wait inside? It's cold.

Honey, you just go back inside.

I'm fine.

No, you're not.

You're pregnant.

Mr. Nugio called from the next building. He saw the news, and then he saw you

standing out here. He's ready to call 911.

Well, good golly to heck anyway, pardon my French.

Before I jump off, he should have phoned you, Mr.

Nugio.

Does a person have to be a looney tune just because they're out on their own

fire escape in the middle of the night in their pajamas?

Oh, my God.

Oh, period.

So the whole neighborhood can enjoy our shame.

Okay, Steve, you woke the baby.

He didn't get it. I did not.

Elizabeth,

what the hell are you doing standing up there in your PJs like some tart?

Have you been driving around without your hat?

What? She said, you've been driving around without your hat?

Thank you very much, Mr. Nogio.

You kids, your dad's home now. I want you all to go to your rooms.

He doesn't need to be reminded how many of you there are. Could you at least try

and keep dad from yelling and embarrassing all of us?

No, she couldn't. Ow!

Hi, dad. Bye, dad.

Good night, dad.

Night, dad.

Night, daddy.

Yo, dad.

Hi,

honey.

And how many times have I told you to wear a hat?

Elizabeth, the world is crashing and burning around us, and you're worried

my hat?

But the digest says bald men have to watch it in winter.

Bald men have to watch it all the time.

You ever hear of birds?

Okay.

You just sit there and gnaw on your salami.

I don't know.

You work hard, you do a good job, and then there's the budget cut, and...

You lose the whole salami.

You can always sell medical supplies for Floyd's company.

You didn't call that idiot brother of yours, did you? Oh, no, no, no. I

do that without telling you first.

Besides, he wasn't home.

And what is all this talk about selling medical supplies anyway?

You're a teacher.

And a good teacher.

And, honey, remember, those who can teach.

Those who can't sell suppositories.

Honey, I put in 12 years at that school.

12 years.

And what have I accomplished?

I mean, we sacrificed a lot to get by on that kind of money. That is because

teaching is a calling from God.

Well, maybe this time he called the wrong number.

I mean, this one kid walked up to me ever and said, Yo, coach, you made a

difference in my life.

Heck, I'd settle for I'm better off for having known you.

Well, I'm sure better off for having known you.

Honey, you mind if I have a little bit of time alone out here just to kind of

sit and figure out what the point of everything is nowadays?

Will you wear a hat?

Yes, I'll wear a hat.

There. See?

The empire is safe.

I am?

Elizabeth, I think I need a little bit more time than that.

I almost thought maybe...

Little Harvey here might just help you figure out what the point is nowadays.

Okay.

So, Harv, what do you expect from this cock -eyed world, huh?

Hey, I wouldn't mind clean diapers myself.

What do you prefer?

Bottle or breast?

Me too.

have a number for the Seavers on Long Island?

No, I can't talk any louder. This is a secret.

How stupid can I be?

Too bad Carol's not here to answer that.

Hi, Dad.

You've been out here quite a while.

Yeah, look, Dad, if you don't mind, I'd kind of like to be alone tonight. I

don't mind.

be alone if you're sitting out here with me.

Mike, what you did was not wrong. Oh, please, Dad.

Look, if I had done nothing, the coach would still have a job to the end of the

semester and Carol would still be in the running for her stupid perfect

attendance award.

Mike, your mother was right. Maybe we got carried away.

Before you ever got into this, I should have warned you that sometimes it

converts when you go to the wall for a principal.

There's a downside to tilting at windmills.

You should have listened to your mom.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. You think Mom heard you say that she was wacko?

Oh, that was great, Ben. Thanks. Now tell me, who's coming over for dinner?

It's a secret.

Now, wait a minute. You've only set 12 places at 13. Ben, now you have to redo

it.

Well, how about if I don't eat?

What am I saying?

Well, at least Mr. DeWitt was an understand...

What makes you think something's going on?

Maggie.

Oh, Mike, would you answer that door? Yep.

Oh, and you must be Carol. It's an honor to meet Maggie.

Elizabeth. Oh, we finally meet in person.

Carol. Carol's pregnant.

Always. Me too.

Hello. Hello.

Long time no see.

Don't shove me, Wendy.

Where's your husband? Oh, he's out in the car. He is so bullheaded.

Please. There is plenty of me to go around.

Listen, kids, I have to talk to Maggie for a minute, so could you take over the

introductions?

Marie. Marie, right.

All right, um, Wendy is the pushy one.

Cindy's the overdeveloped one.

What in turmoil is Connie?

Constant. No one cares.

Jerry's the short one.

Jared's the one in pants.

And Harvey's the one who just stained my blouse.

Well, I could tell you a trick that I use on Jason that always works. Oh,

really?

We're talking, Jason.

Who are you people?

Jason. Later.

Who's the fox in the weenie suit?

Ben.

Forget him. He's no good.

Anybody want a soft drink?

Ben, take care of them.

Oh, I just hate to lie with confession a week away.

Well, don't think of it as a lie, Elizabeth. Remember, the whole point of

was to get Mike and your husband together. You're right.

Okay, give me a minute.

So Mike wants to apologize. Why doesn't he just come out here?

Honey, I don't know, but he's waiting for you in the kitchen.

Uh -huh, miss.

And if I let him apologize, we can go.

Coach Lubbock wants a word with you in the kitchen. He wants to thank you man

man.

So.

So.

Mike, it takes a real man to admit his mistakes.

Look, Coach, you don't have to say anymore.

I'm just glad you're here.

Come on, let's eat.

Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

I believe we were here for an apology.

Oh, okay. If that's what you want.

How about two words, like I'm sorry?

Great.

You gonna say I'm sorry?

You expect me to say I'm sorry?

No, just a thank you.

Why would I thank you?

Well, I did get arrested for you. Who asked you to?

Nobody. And now that I'm out of work, are you gonna help me keep those mouths

filled? Huh? Are you gonna explain to my Constance why she can't have braces?

Are you gonna help me send out another 65 resumes?

Look, Coach, I didn't mean for you to get fired.

And I didn't mean to end up with seven and two -thirds kids and no income. Not

zip.

I always figured a teacher could always get a job.

Not anymore.

Out of those 65 schools, one offered me a job at a lot less money in California.

I'd have to buy a toupee.

No, thanks.

I'd rather swallow my pride than call my brother -in -law and go to work with

him pushing suppositories.

Coach, I only wanted to pay you back.

Pay me back for what?

I don't know. You've done a lot for me.

When you say I've done a lot for you, would that be anything like you were

better off for having known me?

I mean, I wouldn't use those exact words. But the thought behind it was

something like that?

Yeah.

All right, I guess you could say that I'm better off having known you.

Is there

anything I can do to help get this dinner going? Jason, there are more

things going on.

Four children just faded over here, baby.

Look who's here.

to get to dinner. Oh, I'll help.

Hold it, hold it, hold it, everybody.

Before we start eating, I'd just like to say a few words from the heart.

I just want to apologize for all the sewage I've been pumping lately.

I mean, why beat around the bush?

Let's face it, I've been full of... Oh, that was a very nice speech, Grant.

I'm not done.

You see, the point I'm making is that I was ready to give up.

I couldn't see how anything I'd done mattered.

I couldn't see how teaching mattered.

You know, it wasn't like that.

Well, it wasn't.

People respected teachers.

And there wasn't all that damn graffiti all over the place. And you could feel

safe in your own home.

And families stood up for their own.

Even if they weren't particularly fond of them.

I'm not talking about your idiot brother, Elizabeth.

I think you promised us a point.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Here it is.

The point is that there's still a lot of people in this world that care.

And these two tables are full of them.

Carol, thanks for helping to organize the sit -in.

You really put your behind on the line for me.

Oh, it's nothing.

Shut up, Mike.

And Mrs. Seaver?

Thanks for working out this dinner with Elizabeth.

Oh, it was no problem, Mike. I only had to set eight other places.

You set the table?

And, Dr. Seaver, thanks for teaching Mike to sit down for what he believes

Pleasure was all mine.

And, Mike, thanks for reminding me of why I became a teacher

and why I can't give it up.

How can I ever thank you?

Well, could you spare a couple of your daughters?

Not a chance.

I never would have forgiven myself if I didn't ask.

And one last thing.

I'd like to thank my Elizabeth for being a major pain in the tuchus.

Oh, Graham, any time.

Kid?

Well, you know how I feel about you.

Well, we love you too, you big dumb chucklehead.

Oh, Dad, whatever happens, we're behind you all the way.

Hey, thanks. I know we'll do just fine in Eureka, California.

Let's eat.

Don't go away now, as Coach Lovick and his family continue their quest for the

American dream.

A place that still has old -fashioned values.

A place where people can sleep with their doors unlocked at night. A place

a man and his family of nine and two -thirds can live on a teacher's salary.

Not live well, just live.

Dad, I gotta go to the camp.