Original subtitles

This is Ben. This is Carol. This is Maggie. This is Maggie.

This is Maggie.

This is fun.

Oh, hi, Ben.

How was your day?

I've had better.

Yeah, what happened?

Miss Bendo called me in during recess and reamed me for being truculent. You

know what truculent means?

No, but it can't be good.

But truculent means angry, ready to fight.

Oh, and I thought it was serious.

Well, that is serious, Ben.

Hi, guys.

Hi. How's the favorite man in my life?

Fine.

I'm fine, too.

Oh, you did the laundry.

Yeah, in between serving the sanity of a half a dozen people.

Well, you relax and sit down. I will give you one of my famous back rubs, and

then I will make dinner.

Uh -oh.

Oh, you knew that was going to beep, didn't you? No, it doesn't mean that I

to go anywhere. It just means that I have to call the newsroom.

Right.

Hello? Yes, this is Maggie Malone. You beeped me?

There was a time, Maggie, when only I beeped you.

What? I said there was a time.

Yes, yes, right away. I will meet the crew there.

There goes dinner.

There's a big disturbance at Dewey High. They've sent six police cars.

Where's Mike?

Hello?

Carol, where are you?

What? What?

Huh? What?

I can't hear you.

Carol?

Carol? Carol?

That was Carol she was calling from Dewey. She didn't have time to explain,

she said that she and Mike were about to be arrested.

What?

Sounds like Mike and Carol are being mighty truculent.

No, he won't go. Heck no, he won't go. Heck no, he won't go.

Heck no, he won't go.

Well, it's catchy.

The fellow buddy is that the ringleader of this is some kid named Mike Seidel.

No. Yeah, you know him, Miss Monroe?

Well, we're sure.

Let's find him. No, no, your camera might intimidate him, Ed. Well, you

let me find this kid who probably isn't really involved at all.

Okay, I'll shoot some B -roll of the cops getting into their riot gear.

We can discuss that in the car on the way home.

Yeah, but we'll just do what Dad did when he went to college.

Now, Steve, is it true that you single -handedly entered the Vietnam War?

Oh, single -handedly would be a bit of an exaggeration, I think, but I did.

Carol, I expected you to have more sin.

Mom, when the cause is just, the price is worth any sacrifice.

Well, this cause isn't worth the sacrifice.

Maggie, you haven't even heard the cause.

Jason, can we discuss this later? There are police getting in right here. I'm

sorry, Mom, but I'm not going anywhere.

Mike, I find it hard to believe that you have developed a commitment to anything

beyond teenage girls. I was pretty shocked myself.

Mom, would you just listen for a minute about what's going on here?

You don't make us sit down.

Okay, I'll squat, but I won't sit.

Okay, it all started two days ago in Coach Lovett's class, which leads us to

question, why did these people...

Give up everything and head west in covered wagons.

Let me repeat that.

Why did these people give up

everything and head west in

covered wagons?

Because if they headed east, they would have drowned.

Simone, if I ever call on you again, just shoot me, okay?

Okay.

Come on, people, we're talking pioneers heading west in wagon trains. Now, why

did they do it?

Well, they headed west for many reasons. Some wanted a chance to start over,

some wanted to make their fortunes, and some were even running from the law.

What was common to all of them, however, was an unyielding drive to follow a

dream, even if its promise took them into danger and over that distant

What to?

Mike, just get to the part of the story that matters.

Okay, all right, all right. So there we are. We're in class.

Now, hold it, people. Now, remember, your term reports are due tomorrow, and

they should be typed on a typewriter. You know that machine where you put the

paper in and it goes... Unless,

of course, you have an IBM.

Unless your last name ends in S.

That's right, I'm talking to you, Steve Ernst about.

But, uh, Coach, we didn't even do anything.

Including your homework.

And that's why the both of you dim bulbs are going to sit here for as long as it

takes to answer the 20 questions you were supposed to answer last night.

But, uh, Coach, how are we supposed to answer those questions if we haven't

read the book?

Anything's well done.

Now, here are the question sheets.

Feel free to answer in pen.

pencil, or crayon.

I have to go down to see DeWitt. I'll be back in about a half an hour. I expect

to see something on those papers.

No body fluids, Stabone.

Mikey, we're dead.

No, no, no. Not necessarily.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

Are you kidding? Look at this.

Discuss the Donna party.

What happened and its significance.

I don't even know who was invited.

Hey, Bone, who's the girl in the third row with the falsies?

Susan Harris.

No, the other one.

Melody Lavinia. No, no, the other one.

Gloria Delano? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's the one. She always gets straight A's.

Mikey, are you thinking about cheating off of her?

No, I thought of it already.

Oh, whoa.

What do we have here?

What? Oh, it looks like Coach Lubbock's resume.

So?

It says here that he's 38 years old. I thought he was a lot older than that.

Maybe that's his kid's resume.

I think he just lies about his age just like my mom does.

Oh.

It says the coach is married.

Can you picture Coach Lubbock with a wife?

Nope.

I mean, I always imagined him just living alone in a room somewhere and

TV while he drank beer and belched.

That's how I picture him.

Who would want to marry Coach Lubbock?

Excuse me.

Hello.

Is Coach Lubbock here?

Uh, no, no, he just stepped out for a second. He, uh, he went out to polish

head.

I'll have to tell him that when I get home.

What? He's my dad.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

So, uh, are there any more at home like you?

Hey, Cindy, where's dad?

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

I don't believe I've had the pleasure. Do either of you know where our father

is? Oh, he ought in heaven.

Well, he said something about going to the principal's office. Look, I am

really, really sorry about what I said. Don't worry.

I won't really tell him you said he was out polishing his head. Oh, good.

That is what you said.

I don't want to misquote you.

Gotcha.

So... He's not interested, Wendy.

Wendy, how can you say that?

Can you really love a gas daughter like that?

Too bad when they get old, they lose their hair.

I mean, I feel like after all this time, I don't even know Lubbock at all.

And when he walks out of this building, he actually has his own life.

I mean, what does he do? Where does he live?

And does he have any more daughters that look like that?

That's not possible.

I mean, aren't you curious about Lubbock? Wouldn't you like to check him

see where he lives? Yeah, but we don't have his address.

Yeah, sure we do. We have his resume.

Um, his address is a P .O. box.

Ooh, if I lived in a box, I'd be P .O .ed, too.

Mrs. McGillicuddy!

Mike!

You haven't been to the principal's office in a long time.

Mrs. McGillicuddy, we got a problem.

Mr. Perficio in detention.

He's hiding under his desk again. Oh, no. I'd better go drag him out again.

Do

you

think, sir, there's any chance of this thing turning around, sir?

Oh, about as much chance as me becoming secretary of education.

So it's hopeless.

Off to find out about Coach Lubbock's secret life.

We ended up outside his house.

Over near JFK.

It wasn't a house, it was an apartment.

And it looked like the kind of place where Cagney and Lacey pull out their

and pretend they're men.

Okay, now what do we do?

Well, we look.

Okay, I'm ready to go.

I'm not. Look around.

I'll make it.

We're going to get caught. We're going to get caught. We're going to get

Caught doing what? We're just a couple of guys cuddling on the floor of a

car.

Seven? He's Catholic.

Where are you going?

Guess.

Oh.

Mikey!

You know, we can get arrested for peeking in windows. We're not going to

We're just going to check on the fire escape to make sure that it's safe. I

mean, we sure don't want anything to happen to those lover girls now, do we?

Okay,

here it is.

Second floor, come on.

Yeah, it's probably two flights up.

This is it.

It does bounce.

Elizabeth, would you ask your mother to please control her bodily function?

hobby she has.

Mom, did you tell Dad what the orthodontist said?

Yes, she did. And $1 ,600 is just way too much money.

Yeah, but Dad... No, it's later.

If I don't get braces, I might as well become a nun.

Well, that's a good idea. I hear nuns have a very nice dental plan.

Dad!

All right, you chuckleheads. I want everybody in the rooms doing their

Mother and I have some things we have to talk about. But, Daddy...

Talk to Mr. DeWitt?

Yeah, I talked to that pea -brained twit.

And you changed his mind, right? Just like I said you would. See, honey, I

you there's nothing to worry about.

I changed nothing.

Nada, zip, zero.

The little gopher didn't even listen to me.

So, as of the end of the semester, I'm fired.

What are we going to do?

Hey, hey, hey. Get that look off your face.

What look?

You know, the same look you had when you found out you were pregnant this last

time.

Mikey, let's get out of here.

Yeah.

Well, we got nothing to worry about.

You sent my resumes out, right?

Yeah, 20 more today.

Oh, hey.

You think an educator with my experience and qualifications ain't going to be

snapped up, huh? Oh, Chris, you're absolutely right.

Sure, those first 50 just got lost in the mail.

Mikey, I thought we was leaving.

Yeah, we are.

Elizabeth, put those pot pies on hold for a while, which I'm going to step

outside and get a breath of fresh air.

What am I going to do?

What the hell am I going to do?

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. At first I thought he just must be

sweating because the coast sweats in a snowstorm.

But the more I looked, I saw that he was crying.

Hey, long day, Mike?

I wanted to tell you guys, but I didn't know how to tell you what I found out

without telling you how I found out.

I didn't know what I was going to do, so I just acted cool so you guys wouldn't

notice anything weird.

You're acting kind of weird tonight.

Oh, Dad, good to see you, too. Listen, if you guys will excuse me, I've got to

get upstairs and do some homework.

Well, this is where I come into the story.

I knew that something really serious was on Mike's mind when he caught me

exercising and didn't make one of his crafts.

Well, you know, like...

Quick, somebody push her back into the ocean or she'll die.

Carol, I need to talk to you.

Why?

Well, then Mike told me everything he had seen and heard.

I'd never seen him like this. He was actually thinking of someone other than

himself. Then if that weren't enough, he asked me, me, the person he never

listens to, what he could do to save the coach's job.

Carol, look, I mean, this guy has really given me a lot, and I just want a

chance to give him something back.

Okay, Mike, what's your angle here?

Carol, I'm serious.

You? Yeah.

Carol, now what can I do to stop this?

Boy, I don't know.

Well, what would you do if you were me?

Well, the first thing I'd do is find a good skin doctor.

No, I'm sorry. I couldn't let that opportunity pass.

Carol, look, could you just try?

I mean, when I came in here and saw you exercising, did you see me go...

The only solution that I could see was to show Mr. DeWitt that many students

felt the same way as Mike.

Well, if it didn't convince DeWitt, at least it would frighten him.

So the next day, Boner, Mike, and I spread the word and got over 300

on a petition.

Okay, you'll see one of you now.

Oh, well, good luck, Carol.

No, no, no, no. You started this whole thing. Well, I'd like to give Mr. DeWitt

a piece of my mind. You can't afford it.

Now, go, Mike.

Yeah, but he hates me.

No, he doesn't.

Yes, he does.

Okay, but you'll do okay. Just work on keeping contempt out of your voice.

With a little practice, it's easy.

God, I love my job.

Sit.

How can I be of help, young man?

Well, um... Fever.

Hi, sir.

Look, I don't know which one of your teachers sent you in here, but I have a

meeting with a concerned student right now, so you're just going to have to

outside. I am that concerned student, sir.

Michelle, as soon as I'm done with Seaver, I want to see you in here.

PDQ.

Make it quick.

Yes, sir. Well, you see, some of us found out that Coach Lovick is going to

fired at the end of the semester.

Not true.

It's not?

Nope. His contract simply isn't being renewed.

Yeah, because there's a shortage of fun. It's a tragic loss, don't think about

it. Thank you for coming in.

Excuse me for asking, sir, but what's the difference between that and being

fired?

Plenty.

You see, on the one hand, there's the... And on the other hand, of course, you

have... What's this to you anyway, Seaver? What are you up to? What's your

here? No angle. I mean, I like the coach, and I don't want to see him go.

And, you know, I'm not the only one. Over 300 other kids find this.

Why do we teach children how to write?

Coach Lubbock is a good teacher. He cares.

Well, he's not paid to care. He's paid to win football games.

Now, ordinarily, I wouldn't say that in front of a student, but then you aren't

much of a student, so... You know, it's almost like you're saying that our

opinion doesn't even count.

No, that's not almost like what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

But you can't... Look, fever, don't try to play mind games on Willie DeWitt.

You don't have what it takes.

How can I play mind games on you when you don't even have a mind?

Okay, at that point, I probably went a teensy -weensy step too far.

So we had to do something, and this sit -in was all that I... Carol.

Carol could think of.

Mike, I don't know what to say.

Me either. I can't believe you talked to your principal that way.

Megan, he was just standing up for something he believes in. Well, if he

just stand up now, we wouldn't have a problem.

Mom, why don't you take a look around you? I mean, this whole school is behind

Coach Lovett.

Well, I gotta go, Mikey. I ain't allowed to get arrested.

Mikey, we blew it.

We're going live in less than a minute, and there's no violence, there's no

blood, there's no gore. This isn't news. It's Sesame Street.

All right, and now hold on, everybody.

Look, there's a lot more at stake here than just being arrested and getting our

heads bashed in and with blood and guts and... Well, we don't need to dwell on

that.

Look, I am here to save Coach Lubbock, and I'm staying.

You are?

I are.

This is going on your record, Mr. Stever.

I'm staying, too.

Me, too. I mean, my folks can't punish me if I'm in jail.

Mike, Carol, please, let's go. They're talking about having you arrested.

Please, my father's a policeman.

I'm sorry, Mom, but I am in this thing, and I'm staying.

They'll have to bash us over our heads and carry out our limp bodies.

You'll wait till we go live, young lady.

Steve, please talk some sense into these kids.

Look, kids, here, I think that...

You're a wrestler.

Next on Growing Pains... All four would be charged with unlawful assembly,

disturbing the peace, being a public nuisance.

These aren't criminals! Oh, my family's been busted!

Jason, they have been suspended from school.

Carol's perfect attendance record is ruined!

Oh, no!

What have I done?

After 12 years, this dedicated man is about to be...

Why didn't you just shoot me?

Maybe we got carried away. And now that I'm out of work, are you going to help

me keep those mouths filled?

Huh? Are you going to explain to my constables why she can't have braces?

Are you going to help me send out another 65 resumes?