Original subtitles

Previously on Growing Pains... No, I just told them if they would clean out

house of the unwanted junk, then they could sell that in a garage sale. That

we get a clean house, and they... And they get to keep all the money.

Half?

It was my idea.

Whoa!

What's the beautiful ashtray I made Dad doing out here?

Dad, don't freak!

He loves this ashtray!

He said it was the best present he ever got!

He was lying.

Hey, don't you think ashtrays...

feelings, too.

Well, if they do, then this puppy's in some pain.

It's the best birthday present I've gotten all year.

Ben, put that down. We still have to take out all that junk in the basement.

Sorry, Ackray.

You're sorry, pal.

Hello? Hello?

Our cheap ashtray? Hello?

Ben, come on!

A kid molds me from a simple lump of clay, breathes life into me, and bang, a

couple years later, I'm garbage.

It stinks.

No, that's you.

Let me guess, Carol's glasses?

And you're my sneakers.

I can feel it in the air.

What can I say, Mr. DeWitt?

When you got it, you got it.

Hey,

what are my old glasses doing out here?

Well, you never wear them anymore, so I think... You figured wrong.

Well, then I want to keep my ashtray.

Why? Well, it's still as good as new.

It sure is.

Thank you, Ben. Thank you.

Oh, great, Ben. Now we can't even sell it.

As long as we got each other.

and get it out of its misery?

Mike, this Goofy Glue works miracles, remember?

Ha!

What was that?

You heard it, too?

Would you guys give me a hand?

Yeah.

How you feeling?

Oh, aside from a splitting headache, okay.

You know, just when you think life can't get worse.

for the first day. It's my second.

One titanic burger, all the iceberg lettuce, one considerable fries, two

teas, one whoa, one colossal no ice, one patty meltdown with nuclear dressing.

I knew it. Look at him go.

Nine and ten. Thank you. And as we say at WOG, don't get any on ya.

Oh, what a charming little family here. Welcome to the world of burgers. How may

I help you? Well, we just came to look.

Well, you gotta order something, Dad. Okay, I'll take a meal on it. No, you

don't. No junk food.

We have a nice dinner ready at home. I don't want him loading up on grease.

Double or nothing, he's out of here in ten minutes.

Mike, we've just never had an employee of the month in our family.

I've always been a sucker for a man in uniform.

You have?

Mike, we have a little surprise for you.

Oh, a little surprise.

Anyway, be sure you come straight home after work, okay? Okay.

Hi, I'm the manager. Is there a problem here?

No, none whatsoever. I was down here for breakfast this morning, and this young

man gave me such incredible service. I just wanted to bring the whole family

down to meet him in person.

So, kids, we'd better be going.

But... I want you to remember this day.

That's my fault. You were just getting back from a break and I was handling

registers while she was gone.

Mike?

I don't believe it. You're the employee of the month.

Yeah, look, I'm sorry. I have learned my lesson. My heart is just beating a mile

a minute here.

37. I just don't know what to say.

Look, Scooter, I'm sorry. It will not happen again.

I know.

Yes or no?

Uh, no.

That's right.

Good. At least you know I'm going to find a way to mess things up. What's

problem? You messed up?

No.

Oh.

I mean, I'm not about to go in there and break your little heart, so I can't do

something like that, can I, Ben?

Sure. No.

Uh, that's what I meant.

So now I have to do what I have to do.

Look, Ben, if you want to save yourself a lot of grief, don't let Mom and Dad

expect great things from you. Let them know you're a real disappointment now.

Hello? Hi.

I'm Terry. Is Mike home?

No. Is his burger uniform home?

No, he's wearing it.

Oh, that is so sad.

Terry, I'm a psychiatrist.

Well, I'm the new assistant manager at World of Burgers, and I need his

Oh, well, Mike needs it.

For what?

For work.

Mike was fired?

Hey, Dad.

Well, if it isn't my hard -working son and his well -deserved car.

Yeah, that does, Dad.

You know, I'm really bushy today, Dad.

So how'd it go down to World of Burgers?

Looks like you got some on you.

Yeah, well, let's tell you the truth, Dad. Excuse me? The what?

Just tell you the truth.

Uh, I don't know. I'm getting a little bummed with Wab.

Oh, but you're the employee of the month.

Yeah, but, you know, there's a lot of pressure there, Dad. And, I don't know,

they're talking about making me an assistant manager.

And that'd mean I'd have to go to Berger College and, you know.

I just don't know if I'm university material.

So you're telling me that you're considering quitting this job?

Well, I've already got a better job lined up, Dad.

Yes, in the automotive industry.

Ford?

General... Chrysler.

Bernie.

Bernie? Yeah, Bernie's car wash. I want to be a rag man, Dad.

Tips galore. Great future.

I can't do this.

I can't look you in the face and lie. What is this? All kind of magic power?

Mike, I have to... Dad, I got fired.

It wasn't even my fault, Dad. I mean, I was calling for this girl named Terry

who left her registered drawer open.

I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you, but... Dad, that was the day you gave me this

car. What was I supposed to say then?

Oh, yes. You didn't want to risk losing the car.

No, Dad, it wasn't because of the car.

I mean, it was, but... Not the way you mean.

It was just such a new experience. I mean, how can you be so proud of me?

Confused me.

Well, it confused me, too.

Don't you see, Dad? I mean, I just didn't want you to think I was some

couldn't be trusted with any responsibility.

That's when you started having faith in me.

Well, you've got to have a little faith in me, too.

Oh, come on, Dad. No. If you had somehow found out that I was fired, you'd be

out here pacing, telling Mom how stupid you were to trust me.

Well, possibly we may.

Don't you see?

Do you know how hard it's been for me to keep the truth from you?

So you lied to me for me?

Yeah, I just didn't want to let you down.

No matter what happened to me, it didn't matter.

Well, I appreciate that.

Michael?

We've been waiting for you. Maggie, Mike just told me he lost his job at the

burger place last week.

Oh, he did?

I was shocked.

You were?

Jason, he's been lying to us for an entire week.

Yes.

Is that a great kid or what?

Since that time, I've been sitting on a hook.

Now you want to talk pain, Ashtray? Try sitting two years on a hook.

I just want to go back on Jason's desk.

Oh, swear not by the moon.

The inconstant moon that monthly changes in her circled orb.

This is what I need?

It is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury and signifying nothing.

No offense, Ashtray. Why does everybody pick on me?

Because you have not lived or loved.

Oh, swear not by the moon. The inconstant moon that monthly changes in

circled orb.

Let that thy love prove likewise variable.

What shall I swear by?

Hey, we're trying to do a little Romeo and Juliet here. We don't need no

insensitive jerk messing it up.

Sorry, coach.

All right.

Go back to the part where Romeo was swearing.

Okay, people.

Remember, next week we have a major exam on all the Shakespeare sonnets, so you

better know your abstinence from your elbows.

There are sensitive men like Romeo nowadays.

Men who aren't afraid to cry.

I mean, all we have are insensitive jocks.

Do you think Tom Cruise cries?

Tom Cruise can do anything he wants.

Fever.

Yes, Mr. Lovett?

Fever, I'm going to say something to you that may shock you.

But in this class, I consider you my equal.

Well, what I mean is, is that if I had a question about Shakespeare, and I had a

choice of either asking him or you, I'd ask you.

Well, thank you.

And it has nothing to do with the fact that he ran around in tights all the

time.

The point is, is that I need your help.

It's no big secret that I wouldn't even be teaching this class if Mrs.

Orbeau hadn't gone a little bit flaky, if you know what I mean.

But there's a kid who's flunking the class who shouldn't be, and I kind of

myself.

So I was wondering if maybe you could tutor him.

Well, I've never really thought of myself as a teacher.

Hey, who has?

So what do you say?

Okay, I'll give it a shot. Ah, yeah.

Hey, Bobby.

The chalk?

Yeah,

Bobby, uh, Seaver here is gonna help you through, uh, that Shakespeare stuff.

All right.

Now, look.

You do everything she says, because if you don't pass... You don't play.

It ain't going to do you no good to come crying your eyes out to me like you did

last year.

I don't think we ever really met. I'm Bobby Wynette.

I know.

And you're Carol the Brain.

I know.

You actually cried last year?

Yeah.

Groin pull.

Why Romeo didn't try CPR on Juliet before he killed himself.

I mean, the guy doesn't even check a pulse before he does himself in.

Father, the play is over 400 years old.

It's a classic.

Look, to you geniuses, it may make sense that Juliet gets some drug from a

priest to pretend like she's dead so she can run off with a guy who's too stupid

to pick up the phone and call a doctor.

But to a guy like me, it's sheep dip.

You're calling Shakespeare.

If I was Romeo and you were Juliet and I really had it bad for you, there's

nothing nobody would say to get in the way. Not my family, not your family, not

nobody. By the time those people turned around and looked for you and me, we'd

be in my pickup halfway to Jersey.

Sorry I lost my temper.

Sometimes my emotions get the best of me.

Guess I'm too sensitive.

It's okay. I really didn't want any more anyway.

This tutoring stuff's a bad idea. My head's too thick.

No, no, no, no, no.

Understanding Shakespeare is a very difficult thing to do. You know, when I

first read his plays, I was lost for months.

I ruined my entire sixth grade year.

You read this stuff in the sixth grade?

So weird, okay?

No, no, no, you're smart.

Boy, spending this much time with me must really be boring for you, huh?

Not really.

So where were we? Everybody was dead.

So, like, what is this Bobby Winnett situation?

There's no situation. I'm just tutoring him.

Oh, well, that figures.

And what is that supposed to mean?

Well, I don't know.

Oh, come on, Carol, don't have a cow.

Everybody knows you're... immaculate.

Immaculate? You know, wholesome.

Well, there are more things to be, like, um, fat.

Well, for your information, Bob... me and i did our studying all evening in my

bedroom and the subject was um romeo and juliet if you get my meaning

you know maybe i don't have to ogle the boys swim team and act like a little

girl when i can be a woman at home you look like you've

been in a fight oh yeah but who with and my six period speech class What, you

fought the whole class?

Look, I'm not dead. I was on the bottom of the pile. Now, my fight is not

important right now.

Either is my suspension.

You were suspended?

Yeah. All right. Now, at the start of the class, Eddie comes up to me and asks

me if I heard the news. I say, what news? He says, about Carol.

Well, you know me. I mean, I'm always ready for a good Carol nerd story.

Then he starts saying this disgusting stuff about Carol.

So I keep smiling, see, waiting for the punchline.

And he's not kidding.

I don't know what happened. But the next thing I know, I'm sitting there

punching Eddie out.

And then I'm sitting there swinging and kicking.

And I couldn't even figure out why I was so angry.

I mean, here I was getting all busted up protecting Carol.

How could you start a rumor like that about... It is a rumor, isn't it?

Of course it is, Mom. I mean, everybody knows that decent, responsible,

immaculate Carol wouldn't dare do a thing like that.

Then why?

Carol, that's a Mike answer. I expect a little more from you.

What am I, a saint?

Why do you always have to say, Mike, why can't you be more like your sister? Why

does every teacher I've ever had put me in charge when they leave the classroom?

Why is it that I'm the one always to be elected a recording secretary?

Oh, honey, those are all good things.

I just wish...

That every once in a while it would be nice to be thought of as dangerous.

Provocative?

Yes.

Sexy?

Yes.

The kind of girl that should never be allowed to study in her bedroom with a

hunk?

Yes.

How does Bobby's, um, cute bottom?

Well, am I wrong?

You know, honey, you're going to have to clear up this rumor at school.

Oh, yeah.

Do you think it could, um, wait a couple days?

players who strut and fret till our final curtain draws nigh.

Let's just all face it, we're garbage.

I'm not garbage.

No, you're ugly garbage.

Oh, my copy of Romeo and Juliet.

Yeah, we're not going to get very much for it because you actually read it.

The book brought Bobby and me together.

Yeah, that book's doing a lot better than Bobby did.

Mike, this is a memento of my past.

But then how... How can I expect you to understand sentiment?

Hey, look, sentiment is for wimps.

Hey, my burger hat.

What are you guys, out of your minds?

Hey, you know, a lot of this stuff is still in pretty good shape.

Mike, at this rate, we won't have anything left to sell.

Well, so?

Good, because I like my old junk.

I don't think you two seem to grasp the concept of a garage sale.

My prawn dress does not leave this house.

You know what I think?

Dad telling us about all the money we're going to make in this garage sale, it's

just his way of tricking us into cleaning up the house.

Next time, we ask for the money up front.

Hey, just because they're garbage pail kids doesn't mean they're garbage.

Ben, what's with Mike and Carol? They said the garage sale's off.

Yeah, we don't want to sell anything.

Why?

Well, Dad, this stuff is bringing back memories of my youth.

Well, losing some things doesn't mean losing your memories.

I want to keep my old junk.

You don't want to get too attached to some old piece of useless junk that you

don't need. You guys are too old for that.

Ben, what's this ashtray you gave me doing out here?

Well, I didn't want to sell it, and it was in a box, and I figured you didn't

want it anymore.

Why? Just because I don't smoke or ever use it?

Yeah. Well, that doesn't mean I don't need it. Don't you see?

No.

Maybe when you're older.

But this thing is going right back on my office desk right now.

Thanks, Dad.

That was close.

You're telling me.

rosemary, and dill weed.

Of course, the sage, rosemary, and... Oh, I'm better, huh, guys?

You're welcome.

Oh, Jason, he wants to come crazy talking to a spice rack.

No.