Original subtitles

So you actually got the kids to agree to do their fair share of the spring

cleaning? I did.

I merely pointed out their obligations as members of this family, and they were

only too happy to pitch in.

Ben, let's go!

Yeah, Weenie, we got a lot of work to do out there. I'm coming, I'm coming.

Hey, Dad, thanks for the chance to get rich.

Do you bribe them?

No. No, I just told them if they would clean out our house of the unwanted

then they could sell that in a garage sale.

That way we get a clean house and they... And they get to keep all the

Half?

It was my idea.

Hey!

My chair with a face on it.

Whoa!

What's the beautiful ashtray I made Dad doing out here?

Dad, don't freak.

He loves this ashtray. He said it was the best present he ever got.

He was lying.

Hey, don't you think Ashtrays have feelings, too?

Well, if they do, then this puppy's in some pain.

Hey, you take that back. No. Yes. No way. Yes way.

Can we have a stupid conversation later?

Why would I want to do that?

And Ben, put that down. We still have to take out all that junk in the basement.

Sorry, Ashtray. You're sorry, pal.

Show me that smile of yours.

Don't waste another minute on your crying.

We're nowhere near the end.

The best is ready to begin.

As long as we got each other, we got the world spinning right

in our hands.

Baby, rain or shine, all the time, we got each other.

couple years later, I'm garbage.

It stinks.

No, that's you.

Let me guess, Carol's glasses?

And you're my sneakers.

I can feel it in the air.

When I think of all those hours I spent on Jason's desk, listening to his nutty

patience. I thought you belonged to Ben.

I was a gift from Ben to his dad.

You got a minute, Mom?

It's you, honey.

I don't have enough money to get Dad anything good this year.

Oh, didn't he double your allowance this week?

Yeah, but you can't get anything for four bucks nowadays.

Where you been?

Aw, honey, it's not how much you spend.

Tell that to Mike and Carol.

Look, Ben.

I can't afford to get your father that Mercedes 450 SL he's always wanted.

So I'm getting him a nice fishing rod.

And he knows I love him, so he'll love it.

I hope.

Oh, I know. For four dollars, you can get him some worm.

Get real, Mom.

I might as well just give him the stupid ashtray I made.

Well, that would be fine, Punk, as long as it comes from your heart.

It looks like my heart.

And your father is not expecting a big expensive gift from you?

He isn't?

No.

He doesn't care what you get him.

Great.

The power of prayer.

Be not afraid to get down on your knees and ask God for anything

he shall provide.

Hello, God.

What are you doing?

I happen to be praying for money.

Ben, you can't pray for money.

Believe me, I've tried.

You actually think God's going to send you a check or something?

Amen.

Money for the needy. Thanks.

not giving money away. I'm collecting it.

Why the... One minute there. I thought you were on to something.

But I need money.

Join the club.

But this is life or death.

Whose? Mine. I'm busy. Mine. Okay, okay.

All right, look, Ben. I want you to take this can and go from house to house.

With your pathetic look, you'll probably make a fortune.

Keltner, why do you want to disappoint the man?

I mean, at his age, you can't take much of that.

That settles it. I'll open Carol's first.

You know, you can be so insensitive about the problems of older people.

Ben, where did you get me?

Wow.

Ben, this is fabulous.

Meg, I don't know what to say.

Neither do I.

It had nothing to do with it. Oh, sure, you had nothing to do with it.

Jason, I didn't.

Ben?

It does everything all by itself. Even an idiot could work it.

Ben, where'd you get this?

At Nostrom's grammar store. They throw in a leather case every time you spend

over $300.

All right, I gotta ask, what kind of allowance are you giving this kid

Then where'd you get the money?

Yeah, I'm interested.

your money back.

I'm sorry I lied about the charity.

It's okay, son. We're home now.

Oh.

I'm proud of what you did tonight.

Thanks.

Think you learned a lesson?

Uh -huh.

When God gives me an idea to check with you first.

Anything else?

If you love somebody, you don't have to spend a lot on them.

That's right.

Night, punk.

Dad?

Yeah?

Happy birthday.

Ben, it's... and ashtray.

Yeah, I know.

What I was going to say was it's the best birthday present I've gotten all

Now nobody wants me.

Now nobody wants me. Hey, we all got our problems.

I feel so used.

You are.

But Mike and I were soulmates.

Okay, say good morning to God's gift to history.

Well, you look like a guy who's ready for a big history tent.

Ready? I'm not just ready, Dad. I've got it all. Names, dates, everything.

I think today will go down in history as the day Mike Seaver turns the corner.

February 20th, 1986.

It's February 25th.

Hey, Dad.

Hi, Ben.

This is breakfast?

Yes.

What's for lunch?

Surprise.

Uh -oh.

I hate surprises.

Why is Dad feeding me shoes?

Uh, Ben, that's my bag.

Why is Dad feeding you shoes? Ben, come on, give it. I need that.

Robert E. Lee Stonewall Jackson Appomattox Courthouse.

Yeah, yeah, they're my buddies. I had them sign them for good luck.

Do you know somebody named Appomattox Courthouse?

Yeah, a black guy, captain of the basketball team.

This is multiple choice. You have 30 minutes and your papers will be graded

before you leave. You may begin.

The final northern battle of the Civil War will... A, Battle of Bull Run, B,

Battle of Gettysburg, or C, Battle of the Network Stars?

Gettysburg.

Hey, I actually know this stuff.

And what is perhaps the biggest shock in my teaching career since boys started

wearing earrings?

grade in the class, 94, was earned by Mike Seaver.

I am number one!

Mr.

Seaver, before we schedule a press conference, I have to ask, how

does a student whose very name has become synonymous with the phrase D

You managed such a great.

What can I say, Mr. DeWitt?

When you got it, you got it.

Oh, and now

I see where you got it.

What happened?

Well, there's not too much to be said about the test itself.

I'll say it anyway.

I passed.

Completely? Yeah.

All right, Mike.

Congratulations. I knew that that little extra studying would pay off. Oh,

thanks.

But I do have some bad news.

And I think you better sit down for this, Dad.

Just say what it is, Mike.

I have a feeling you hit.

Now, what I'm about to tell you is going to get both of you quite angry.

And you will be outraged at the shoddy treatment I have received from Mr.

DeWitt.

But I want your word that you're not going to go off half -cocked trying to

this guy fired or something.

I promise to be fully cocked, Mike.

Now, Mr.

DeWitt accused me of cheating.

Now, just calm down.

I did not cheat.

Now, why would Mr. DeWitt think that?

You know, I have been asking myself that same question all afternoon.

Well, what'd you come up with, Mike?

I don't know. I guess he didn't expect me to do that well on the test.

Well, he did well?

He did well.

How well?

I rarely pay attention to the grades.

And what'd you get, 70?

75.

80? See, 85.

Actually... 94.

94? Why, Michael Staber, I'm ashamed of you.

How could you cheat?

I did not cheat.

Is this 94 out of 100?

I swear to you, I did not cheat.

I give you my word of honor.

Well, uh, I believe you.

Really?

our son gives us his word, we've got to believe him.

You're right.

I believe you, Mike.

Oh, thanks.

I knew I could count on you guys. I'm sorry for every miserable thing I've

done to make your world a living hell.

And I'm sorry I doubted you, Mike, but it's a tough story to believe if you put

yourself in my shoes.

Mom's shoes aren't big enough for all the answers.

The shoes. Thanks, Benny.

I forgot to tell you guys the funniest part.

You guys are going to love this.

You want to know the truth?

Okay, I'll tell you the truth.

Yeah, I was going to cheat. I figured it was the only way.

So I was up half the night copying all that stuff onto my shoes.

Because I had to pass the test.

But somehow it didn't just go on my shoes.

It got in my head, too.

Sure blew me away.

But when it came time to look for the answers, I didn't have to.

I knew him.

Well, I'd like to believe you, Mike.

Yeah.

Well, you have to admit, you're not exactly the kind of guy who has a

for knowing things, like Abraham Lincoln was the 17th president.

Yeah, he was the 16th president.

Yes, Grant was 17th. No, Grant was the 18th. See, Johnson was 17th. He became

president after Lincoln was assassinated on April 14th, 1865.

Dr. and Mrs. Seaver, I'm Willis DeWitt.

Glad you could come. Why don't we get right down to business?

Absolutely.

Mike did not cheat on that examination, Mr. DeWitt, and it's important that we

clear that up.

And it would have been so easy for him to do what with all the answers written

on the bottom of his shoe.

Aw, what a touching story. You broke my heart.

Hey!

Ben, no one's going to pay a dime for a broken lamb.

That's why I marked it five cents.

I wonder what I could get for Ben.

So, my old friend, the sneakers. This is a fitting end to my life.

Hey, I said I was sorry. Bite your tongue.

Hey, it wasn't my fault.

Who's the one who's always straightening up around here, huh?

Who's the one who's always telling you to get your smelly tennis shoes off the

couch?

Oh, uh, don't forget the other one, Carol.

Oh, I hope.

Here, catch.

Oh, perfect.

It isn't bad. Do you think it'll hold?

What are you kidding? On a commercial, this stuff holds five elephants over the

Grand Canyon.

Yeah, and they don't put anything on TV that isn't true.

Well, we're in the clear now.

You two clean up the mess.

Carol, if I'd clean up the mess around here, you'd probably find yourself

standing in a trash can out by the curb.

Come on, Ben, get up.

You're kidding, right?

No, he isn't.

What are you screaming about?

I've never been glued to a table before.

All right, put your hands on my neck. And when I pull on you, I'll throw your

weight towards me, okay? Okay. All right, ready?

One, two, three.

I feel much better.

You won't when Mom and Dad get home.

Stand aside.

Big problems call for big solutions.

What is that?

It's the answer to our prayers, the electric sander.

Good night.

Come on, where are you guys going?

Anywhere but here.

All right, guys, relax, relax.

Now this is a foolproof plan, all right?

Now, all we gotta do is we glide the sander over the tabletop a couple of

swoops, we, uh, we fit into a perfect match, it dries by morning, and we got

made in the shade.

So what do you guys think?

Mom! Mom! Mom!

Guys,

it's either this or we tell Mom and Dad that we ruined the coffee table.

Now, do you want to do that, Ben?

Carol?

Good, we agree.

Don't worry, Ben.

Someday you'll look back and this is the day you became a man.

You too, Carol.

Turn it up!

is we got enough money for a new coffee table. Okay, and Mom and Dad sleep late

on Saturdays, so first thing tomorrow, me and Benny will go down to Chadwick's

and pick one up.

They're home!

They're here! They're coming!

Ben,

Ben, sit down.

Okay, now just don't move, okay?

Hi! Hi, everybody.

How's everything?

Daddy's great, Dad.

Ben?

Hungry, too.

I want you in bed in five minutes.

Okay. Make your luck up, okay?

Yeah, sure thing, Dad.

All right, we'll see you guys in the morning. Good night.

Good night.

Night.

So,

uh, what did you guys have for dinner?

Oh, come on. You really think I'm the reason you're all here?

Yeah!

All of you just shut up. It's been enough. I'm out here with all of you.

Of course. She has contacts. Long after Carol got contacts, she kept me.

Hi, Carol. How was your day?

Everything's fine now, really. I don't know what's been the matter with me

lately. I mean, new clothes, makeup, contact lenses.

Thinking someone would want to take me to a dance. Please. I mean, it's just

me. I mean, what am I trying to change? I was just fine working hard and

studying. I was just fine without trying to be silly and popular.

I mean, who needs...

Not me.

Guess that means she didn't have a good day.

That's a shame.

Honey, there has to be some reason.

Yeah, me.

I mean, just doesn't want to take me.

Well, it really is beautiful up here.

Why is your father talking to that janitor?

Well, that's just Bobby with a...

Lord, forgive me for what I said about Jason, and don't ever let him know.

Mom, it's bringing him over here.

Well, what a coinkydink.

Well, why didn't you just tell me he had to work?

I didn't want anybody to know that Bobby Winnett, captain of the football team,

had a job doing this.

Especially you.

I don't mind.

Disgusting.

Don't worry, I'm used to disgusting.

Remember I have two brothers?

Carol, I really wanted to take you to that dance.

I really wanted to go with you.

Hey, wait here!

I know this isn't going to be too clear.

I have the stance.

Okay, I'm ready now.

And now I'm tossed out like an old shoe.

Well, the Sean Cassidy record should be worth something.

is doing out here?

Well, you never wear them anymore, so I figured... You figured wrong.

Well, then I want to keep my ashtray.

Why? Well, it's still as good as new.

It sure is.

Thank you, Ben. Thank you.

Oh, great, Ben. Now we can't even sell it.