Original subtitles

No.

No, you breastfeed the baby, Jason.

I have another call.

Maggie? Too late, Jason. I already scrubbed my own back.

Honey, do you know what time it is?

Hi. Hi.

We're going to do this again, and this time we really need to believe your

confusion. All right?

In five seconds. Four, three, two, and...

Who was that?

And what are these TV cameras doing in our bathroom?

I feel so good.

Honey, you're not pregnant.

Of course I'm not pregnant.

But you were last night. You've been pregnant for the last four months.

Excuse me, honey. You're blocking my shot.

Honey, you're pregnant for four months and suddenly you step into the shower

now you're not?

Oh, Jason, you must have dreamed all that.

That couldn't be, honey. That only happens on television.

Bad television.

Look at this.

I'm going to tell the studio I want that hairdresser fired.

I don't care how many kids she's supporting.

Oh, Jason. Jason.

What? What? Look at me. What? Look.

Oh, I'm pregnant.

I know.

I was there when it happened.

Oh, it was a dream.

Thank you.

Not that. What I dreamed.

Oh. What did you dream?

I stepped out of the shower and suddenly I wasn't pregnant.

Everything that had happened in the last four months had been changed.

Oh, that only happens on television.

Bad television.

Not necessarily.

dream could mean that you have some mixed emotions about being pregnant oh

i am thrilled about having another baby i am happy i am proud i want the whole

world to know can't tell i'm pregnant in this can you i mean i can't even tell

you're a woman in there so you hate it no no no no it's nice you're lying well

you didn't say you were going to look at some nice maternity clothes

Jason, how can I buy maternity clothes? I have no time between work and home and

getting the nursery ready. Yeah, when's your boss going to let you slow down a

little bit after the baby's born?

Well... What did he say when you told him you were pregnant?

Well, not that much, really. Uh -huh.

Uh -huh what? You still haven't even told him, have you? Oh, Jason, you think

you know me so well. Yes, I do.

Okay. It just hasn't been the right time yet. Well, I'll tell you when the wrong

time will be. It'll be next week when you're in a leotard doing your series on

aerobics. Oh, so you prefer I wear something baggy?

Oh, honey, I just... You know what I think? I think you are the one who's

uncomfortable with me being pregnant.

What? How else do you explain your dream?

It was your dream.

Oh.

I think the sooner you tell your boss you're having a baby, the better.

You're right. Good. I will definitely tell him today. That's my girl.

If I see him. Oh.

Boy, this is great. We get a whole school day off.

I love teacher conferences.

Yeah, we need more of them.

What do you think those teachers talk about all day?

You, Ben.

What?

Morning.

School books on a holiday? Even nerds don't do that.

To your information, these happen to be books of names. I'm preparing a list of

suggestions for my new sister.

Sister? Carol, you're wasting your time. It's going to be a boy.

If it's another boy, you can name him whatever you want. I'm leaving home.

You promise?

Come on, relax.

I was just kidding. Those teachers aren't talking about you.

Oh, it's going to be so neat.

Dressing her in cute little clothes, taking her for a walk.

Having him barf on you.

Babies do that? Yeah, it's one of the nicer things that they do.

Did I do that when I was a baby?

Yeah, all over me.

Put her there, bro.

Just wait. When the new baby gets here, you both... they're going to have to

clean up your acts. Big deal.

You'll think it's a big deal when Mom can't save you with that baby defense

anymore. Baby defense?

Yeah, you know.

Oh, Jason, go easy on him. He's our baby.

And face it, Ben, you do a lot of dumb baby things. You take that back!

Ben, don't play with your food. You're not a baby.

Your father's right, Ben.

You better have more than that. You're eating for two.

So has Ben.

Thank you, Jason.

Bye, kids. Enjoy your day off. And don't you forget, today's the day... Yes, I

will talk to my boss. I promise. You want it written in blood?

Sorry, I've got to go.

Well, your mother's feeling a little tense.

A little? Good thing she didn't have a gun.

Well, she's pregnant, tired, and overworked. Who isn't?

I understand.

I mean, it must be very difficult to have a baby in the autumn of your life.

Ooh, don't you ever, ever, never say that to your mother.

Gotcha. I wish there was something we could do for her. You know, make her

good. She's been so worried lately about getting ready for the baby, decorating

the nursery. Dad, that's it.

Dad, we could decorate the nursery today.

That's not a bad idea.

Thank you.

But, Dad, I had big stuff to do today.

Wouldn't you like to do something nice for your mother?

Do I have a toy? No.

Sure. What about you, Mike?

Well, actually, I was planning on spending the entire day studying.

I'd love to help.

But great.

This is really going to cheer her up. We're going to take that guest room,

it into the best -looking nursery she ever saw.

Come on, let's go.

Good thinking, Carol.

Thank you.

Yeah, good thinking, Carol. Now you just ruined the whole day for all of us.

That was my plan.

Twelve.

What's...

Well, I never thought of this before, but the guest room's all the way down

hall. So?

Well, your mom and I have to be much closer to the nursery.

But all the other rooms are taken.

Well, we just might have to do some rearranging.

I'll be right back.

Rearranging? Oh, no. Who's going to lose their room?

What?

Mike, what matters is what's good for the baby.

Good. Then you give up your room.

Well, if that's the decision, then that's the decision.

Carol, telephone.

Betty, look, we've got to move fast here. Move? You mean we're out? No, no,

no. I just mean that we've got to make sure that you don't wind up in the guest

room. Why would I wind up in the guest room?

Well, think about it, Ben. Whose room is closer to Mom's than Dad's?

Yours.

Okay, but between the two of us, which has the least physical damage?

Mine. Right.

Oh, no.

Yeah, and I bet Carol is pointing that out to Dad right now.

I would do anything to get out of that guest room.

Me too. It's got fruity wallpaper and smells like grandma.

I just wish that there was some way that we could make sure that... Oh, wait a

minute.

Oh, now that's too crazy.

No, it isn't. Let's do it. What is it? Okay, all right. You volunteer to give

your room.

It is too crazy. Betty, Betty, listen here. Now, Dad will be so touched.

that you offered your room to the baby, that he'll reward you and let you pick

any other bedroom in the house.

Great, I'll take yours.

Come on, think about it. Who has the biggest bedroom in the house?

Mom and Dad.

Okay, second biggest.

Carol. Right.

I know this is an ugly thing to do, Ben, but with the baby coming, these are

ugly times.

Okay, where were we?

Dad, I want the baby to have my room.

Oh, that's very unselfish of you, Ben. I'm touched.

I just want what's ever best for the baby.

You mean that?

Cross my heart.

Well, you know, your room and Mike's are both so close, that was going to be a

toss -up.

It was?

Yes, but your generosity, Ben, has made a tough decision easy for me.

And I want you to know that just as soon as we finish the baby's room, we'll get

to work on fixing up the guest room for you.

Okay?

All right, Benny, we tried.

Oh, come on.

Thelma, will you tell me the minute Mr. Tittlevich is off the phone?

Yeah, it won't be long. He's just talking to Shauna about when she's

from maternity leave.

Oh, how's her baby?

Shauna says that he's finally sleeping through the night. Oh.

You sure you're up to going through all that again?

Oh, definitely. It's all part.

Of course I know.

It's Shauna all over again.

Wearing baggy clothes, running to the bathroom every five minutes.

Saying, oh, every time somebody mentions the baby.

Freaking out about telling Mr.

Sidlovich. Oh, I am not freaking out. I was just waiting for the right time.

This is the right time.

You know, when Shauna finally told him about her baby, he was thrilled.

Really? Maggie, he's a family man himself. He's a pussycat.

Mr. Sidlovich, I just need one moment of your time. Maggie, one second.

Thelma, send out a memo.

Shauna Small will not be returning to the Channel 19 anchor desk having

to stay at home with her new baby, if you can believe that garbage.

Effective immediately, any woman who works at Channel 19 who gets pregnant

be fired.

Cordially, Sid Sidlovich.

Sir, you can't do that.

I don't want to do it. I just wanted to say it.

Well, Maggie, what did you want to see me about?

Oh, I just wanted to say, uh, have a nice day.

Isn't she sweet?

All right, guys. Great job.

Just bring those paint cans out to the garage. when you're finished. Wait till

your mom gets up. She sees it. She's going to be so happy. She's going to cry

like a baby.

So, you're never going to talk to me again?

Never. You just did.

Starting now.

You did it again.

Stop it, Mike.

All right, all right. Come on, Benny. Here, look. Now, consider what I've done

to you a valuable lesson in learning how to look out for yourself once you've

been replaced as the baby in the family.

I'm going to tell Dad.

Tell Dad what?

Ah, nothing, nothing. He's hallucinating. I think he's been into

phase.

Mike said that if I gave up my room, Dad would give me yours.

What? Well, all he was doing was fixing it, so his room was getting more and

more stuff.

Hold it, hold it, hold it. Whatever this is about, it can wait. Now, your

mother's on her way up the stairs. When she gets here, we all yell surprise,

okay?

Jason? Yes, we're up in Ben's room.

Not anymore.

Surprise!

Yeah, yeah.

You did all this? Yeah, well, not just myself. It was everybody.

Everybody?

Except me.

Honey?

She loves it.

I just don't get it. I thought you'd be so pleased we picked up the nursery. Oh,

with a nice gesture, Jason.

Even with the hideous drapes.

But what kind of a mother am I going to be if I don't even have time to take

part in getting the nursery ready?

You're a great one, honey, a sensational one.

She just doesn't have any taste in drapes.

A great mother would have been able to tell her boss she was pregnant.

What?

I chickened out.

Honey, why are you so afraid to tell him? I am not afraid. I know what it is.

I'm just...

Well, what are you so afraid, so scared of?

Well, I don't know. That he'll treat me like I'm pregnant and things are going

to change. I mean, of course things are going to change. But I don't want them

to change. I'm finally fitting in at work, doing a great job.

But, sweetheart, we just have to face it.

Now, we're going to have to make some adjustments.

What adjustments?

Well, like reducing my patient load.

Can you do that? Of course I can.

I just have to start curing those nutso's fast.

What? It's a joke, honey.

But we've never talked about you scaling down your practice before.

I just never thought of it before. Well, shouldn't you have thought of it

before? I guess. I don't know. Oh, great. This kid doesn't have a chance.

He's got a terrible mother and a thoughtless jokester for a father.

All right, Benny, I'll admit it. My plan didn't work out perfectly.

Oh, sure it did.

Hey, come on, Benny. I got the best of motives here. I mean, I wanted Carol to

get the short end of the stick.

Ben, you see what happens when you trust Mike?

You end up in the guest room.

A guest in your own home.

And boy, you might as well just go rent an apartment or something.

Not bad,

Carol. Not bad.

When Mom and Dad find out about this, and I promise you, They will.

You will be in deep, deep trouble.

Look, don't start blaming Ben's housing problems on me.

Whose fault is it?

I think we both know the answer to that one.

You're blaming this on an unborn child?

Hey, let's look at the facts here, Carol. I mean, so far, this kid, who I

personally don't even know yet, hasn't said everybody.

It is going to be a girl.

Mike, I'll pray for you.

Look, Carol, I mean, nobody bothered to ask me how I felt about having a new kid

around this house.

Well, so nobody asked Ben or me either.

Well, all I'm saying is, I mean, if we have family meetings about vacations,

shouldn't we have had one about this?

You're right.

Yeah. You know what I think?

I think Mom and Dad are trying to sneak this new kid by.

Well, Mike, we should still have a family meeting. I mean, we obviously

lot to discuss.

I bet Mom and Dad will think it's a great idea, too.

They love it when we want to communicate.

And I'll be the one who proposed it.

Okay, okay, here's the answer to that problem.

When the baby cries at night, I'll be the one who gets it. No, no, no, no. You

have to look good in front of that news camera. When you sleep, you look like

death warmed over.

A nice death.

But, Jason...

Jason, you have to get your sleep, too. You have patients every morning.

Oh, sure, but when I look like hell in the morning, my patients feel better

about themselves.

Isn't that my job?

Oh, but what if you resent scaling down your practice? What if you resent me?

What if you resent the baby?

Oh, Maggie.

Mom, Dad, we need to see for a family meeting right now. I fear for the future

of this family.

Mike, we're a little busy. Yeah, but Dad, we need to... Another time, Mike.

Mom, Dad, we really need to see for a family meeting immediately.

Trust me.

Carol, let your mother just explain to Mike. Absolutely, Carol. Let's go.

What? Come on, Ed.

You heard your mother?

Living room, kitchen, one burr.

What the heck's a burr?

Hmm. Swimming pool, TV, refrigerator.

No laundry! All wrong!

What?

But, sweetheart, why?

Well, as long as I've locked my room, I might as well get something nice without

flowers on the wall.

Well, how are you going to pay for this?

No problem. See, most of these ads say first month's rent free. Well, I'll just

move every month.

I'd like to call the Seaver family meeting to order.

I move that we talk about how Mike conned Ben out of his room.

Carol, you have not been recognized. In fact, I'm not even sure that's you at

all.

Mike, what did you do to Ben?

Dad, I don't believe that's the purpose of this meeting here today. I think what

we should be talking about is this baby man.

Baby man?

Mike, this baby is a blessed event.

With a sergeant in arms, please escort this lady out.

Mom, Dad, Mike hates the baby.

What? No, no, no, no. You have me confused with Ben.

Ben? I just want my room back.

But you volunteered to give it up, didn't you?

This meeting is adjourned. Thank you very much for coming.

It is not.

Mike, get back in here.

Kids, this new baby is going to change things around here, and some of them are

going to be wonderful, some of them aren't. All you two can think about is

yourselves. Personally, I'm going to love everything about this baby.

Even coming home straight after school to help out?

Of course.

This wouldn't be every day, would it?

No, but Carol, are you ready for things like changing dirty diapers?

Oh, I thought Ben would do that.

Why me? Because my instinct tells me you'd be good at it.

Dink is right.

Carol, you will be doing your share of changing dirty diapers.

Ew.

Let the record show that Miss Blessed Event here said, quote, ew.

All right, now every member of this family is going to have to make some

sacrifices here.

Me too? Yes, you too.

You're going to have to get used to the new stereo policy.

Okay, okay, all right. My show will be turned off every night by 11 p .m.

1 a .m. tops.

That's not what we had in mind.

Okay, midnight it is. You can count on me.

There will be no music while the baby is asleep, day or night.

Day or night? What's left?

Ben, how do you feel about making sacrifices?

Fine with me. I'm going to be hanging out in my duplex.

I'm still not clear how Ben lost his room.

Mike conned me out of it.

Let the record show Mike and I will talk later, during moonlighting.

You have to suffer when you're the one having the baby.

Ben, you kids aren't the only ones being asked to sacrifice around here. Your

father's going to rearrange his whole practice.

And your mother's going to take time off from a job she's just getting used to.

Well, if this baby's messing everybody up, then why are you having it?

Why?

Yeah, why?

Yeah, well, I never thought about putting it into words.

That's not easy to do.

So you guys don't know either?

Oh, no, no, no. We know. Well,

I guess because the baby is as close to a miracle as we're ever going to get.

And having each one of you was the most wonderful thing to ever happen to your

father and me.

Thank you, Mom. That's really beautiful.

Especially the way you include Mike.

Carol. Does that answer your question, babe? No.

No. Jason?

Yes, well, uh, well, Ben, uh, your mother and I, we believe there's nothing

the world more important than our family. We sure do.

Not work, or losing sleep.

Not me reducing my patient load.

Nothing.

Oh, honey, why didn't we come up with all this upstairs? I don't know.

Oh, Jason, this baby's gonna be great.

That doesn't answer my question either.

I think what Ben's trying to ask here is, what's in this baby deal for us?

What's in it for you?

It was Ben's question.

Why, everything.

The same that's in it for us.

Now, you guys insult each other more than anybody I know, but I'd also bet my

soul that deep down underneath all of that, each one of you loves each other.

Now, Carol, how would you really feel if there were no Mike?

Huh?

And Ben, how would you really feel if there were no Carol?

Huh?

And Mike, what would you really feel if... Don't you say one word as far as

sense of humor goes.

I just think we are all going to have a new person to love.

And once he or she is here, we'll wonder how we ever lived without her.

Or him.

Ben, does that answer your question?

I think so.

when Mom had the baby, we're all pregnant?

Well, you couldn't be more right, Ben.

This is so sweet.

Mike, are you crying too?

No, it's your feet.

I

can't

remember when I was more proud.

Yeah, they are finally, truly excited about the baby.

And you were wonderful.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Honey, who are you calling at this hour? Oh, my doctor, it's time. What?

Just kidding.

My boss.

Why don't you call him tomorrow?

No, I don't want to put this off another... Hello, this is Maggie.

I'm calling to tell you I'm pregnant.

I'm four months along, but if you still want to put me in a leotard next week...

I'm game.

This isn't 5 -5 -5 -1 -2.