Original subtitles

Ben, do you have to suck up your cereal like that?

No.

Ben, don't drink out of a bowl.

It was Mike's idea.

Go on, guys, finish up your breakfast. We've got a lot of chores to do today.

Dad, it's Saturday. I mean, today is my day to unwind after all the hard work I

put in at school.

Will it hurt you to help me and little Ben?

Sorry, Dad, I'm tied up today.

Excuse me?

You always say I should make better use of my time, so I drew up a schedule.

Ben Sievert's Saturday. Morning, watch cartoons.

Noontime, eat lunch.

Afternoon, play video games.

Late afternoon, light snacks.

Nothing heavy.

Since Ben has absolutely nothing to do today, he can help you with the chores.

And what exactly do you have planned?

Um...

Well, I wasn't going to tell you, Dad, but now I guess I have to.

I'm taking some orphans out for burgers.

Forget it, Mike.

Oh, fine, fine. Just break the little kid's heart.

All right, well, we can begin with an old favorite, scrubbing out the garage.

Even I didn't buy the orphan bit, Mike.

Hi.

Well, good morning. Oh, don't you look chic today.

Thanks. Yeah, you're just perfect for hosing out the garage.

Oh, I'd love to do my share, but the thing is, I can't. Well, Dad, you want

handle this one or shall I?

Well, we do have a few odd jobs around the house today, Carol.

Dad, I'd love to do my share, but the thing is, Mom's in one of her moods

she says we're turning into strangers.

So she has a whole day planned of shopping, lunch...

And even a visit to her hair salon.

But today is a scheduled fever chore

day, Carol.

Well, Mom got inspired from watching you bond with Mike and Ben.

Well, thank you. No, that's good. Good.

The good, that's it? That gets Carol out of all the grunt work?

Mike, I think that it's an important opportunity here for your sister and

mom to spend some fun time together bonding. It's good for the relationship.

Can't they bond? while they're scrubbing the grease stain in the garage?

You're right. It's unfair, and if it were up to me, I'd be here slaving away

with the guys. But how can I break Mom's heart, right?

Good morning.

Better get your coat, Carol. We've got a lot of ground to cover today.

Why do I have the feeling you're going to exhaust me?

Oh, isn't that cute? I had so many things that I needed to get done today,

Carol's feeling like we're turning into strangers, and how can I break her

heart?

Nice, but I wish you had told me. You know, we had agreed that today would be

Seaver chore day.

We did?

Oh, I'm sorry. It slipped my mind.

You're right.

I'll cancel my appointment at the salon.

Good.

Well, darn it. If I cancel this late, I'm going to have to pay anyway, and

so expensive.

No, no, no, no.

You just go ahead, then. Yeah, that would be best.

Well, I don't want to keep you menfolk from all those sweaty chores you have to

do.

See ya.

Guys, we've been had.

promise me you'll never wear it in public sweetheart i have enjoyed every

of today oh me too especially the look on mike ben and dad's face when we

skipped out on shorty that's not nice you

ever tell your father i was laughing

When are you going to dust that shrink of yours and run off with me? I mean, ba

-boom, ba -bang, ba -bang. We hit the open road. What do you say?

After you do my hair.

Mom.

Mom.

Well, you told me you had a daughter, but this is a full -grown woman with the

face and the curves and the whole thing.

Whoa.

This is Carol. Carol, this is... Rodney, hi.

Uh -huh.

Who's been doing your hair?

name Brenda.

Look, from now on, nobody but nobody touches this ad but me.

You got that?

Yeah. Ba -bay.

Well, Maggie, how about this visit? You take a walk on the wild side

like that.

Oh, well, I don't know.

You tell me that isn't extremely hot.

Well, Carol, what do you think?

About what?

My hair.

You think I should try a different look?

Oh, you're asking me?

Yes. Oh, gee.

Carol, you tell her how delicious it would look.

Well, well, it's provocatively scrumptious.

See? Yummy.

Well, if you think so, Carol.

She knows where else she speaks.

I will be back in five.

Mom, that man was flirting with you.

Well, yes.

You knew it?

Of course.

But, but you're, you're a mother.

Carol, it does happen occasionally.

You're kidding me.

Carol, this is silly. Mom, no, it's not. I want to hear all about it.

You mean you want to hear about every time some guy innocently flirted with

Yes, I want to hear everything.

Every juicy decision. Disgusting detail.

There is nothing disgusting to tell.

And that's what I'll tell Dad if he ever asks.

So finish your sordid story.

Well, I forgot where I left off.

Dustin Hoffman was coming on to you.

Well, I didn't exactly say he was coming on to me.

He was promoting Midnight Cowboy at this press conference. This was years ago

when I worked at Newsweek.

Dustin Hoffman. And I was sitting in the back of this crowd of reporters waiting

for him when I had to go to the bathroom.

So out in the hallway, who do I run into face to face?

Dustin Hoffman.

Yes. And he looked me right behind and said, is this the way to the press

conference?

And?

And what?

And that's all he said?

Well, what else could he say? We were in the office hallway for crying out loud.

Mom, that's not much of a story.

Yeah, but it's all mine.

Here you go, ladies.

Oh, thank you, Izzy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the juice is for the kid. We got it.

Enjoy.

I mean, Mom, I was expecting something really sleazy.

Sleazy? Yeah, you know, like Joan Collins kind of stuff.

Have something that you've never told anyone?

Something you've been keeping for all these years?

Well, sure, everybody does. Oh, tell me. Carol. Mom, it's just between us,

across my heart.

You know, when you were a baby, I used to imagine the day when you and I would

be trading secrets like sisters.

I hope that's not your secret.

Okay, for your ears only. Of course.

Two years ago, At that neighborhood picnic, Bud Kuzman tried to kiss me on

back porch.

Well, what happened?

Well, I told him to behave himself, and he got very embarrassed, and he

apologized and begged me never to tell your father.

Then he threw up.

Did you tell Dad?

No, there was no reason to get your father upset, and you promised never to

a word.

Oh, I won't.

Okay. Okay, now it's your turn to share. All right.

Remember the Saturday night last month when Debbie Shelley and I went to the

library and then we spent the night at Debbie's house?

Yeah.

Well, we didn't study at all.

Yeah. Instead, we took the train into Manhattan and went to this really neat

dance club in Soho.

Yeah?

It had to be 21 to get into this place.

Debbie and Shirley were about to give up.

But I was so cool.

I greased the doorman.

Greased? I slipped him $20 to let us in. I mean, is that neat or what?

It was so great.

We danced till 4 in the morning with these guys who didn't even speak

took the train back and snuck into her room and went down to sleep before her

parents ever woke up.

And to this day, no one is any the wiser.

It's been 50 days.

There's no reason to be so excited.

Mom, what a great day.

Hey, what happened to Stephen Shorten?

What the heck happened to your head, Carol?

Well, we decided you two were right, so today's bonding day. And, Carol, you

look gorgeous. You look so grown up.

Well, thanks.

I don't like it.

Maggie.

Hello? Uh, no, sorry, Shelly. Carol can't talk. She just got out of a wind

tunnel.

Mike, I'll take it upstairs and be sure to hang it up.

I'll do that right now.

Jason, we need to talk.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. Your hair looks great, too.

Sure you should be showing this much neck in front of the children?

Cute.

I thought so.

What'd you do this time?

Nothing. I've been sitting here with you.

Well, trouble's in the air, and it usually lands on you.

In Soho? Yes. Alone?

Yes. In some seedy bar?

Greasing palms and dancing with men who don't speak English.

Well, I've got to talk to her.

Oh, Jason, you can't. I promised her I'd never tell anyone what she told me.

What you told me?

But only after you promise never to tell Carol what I told you.

So what am I supposed to do here? Just keep my mouth shut and do nothing?

That's right.

But we can't let her get away with that.

Jason, if Carol knows I told you, she'll never speak to me again.

Look, you're the one that's always saying that we should communicate with

kids, be open and honest and speak the same language.

Well, but not in cases where my teenage daughter is dancing with guys who speak

another language.

Excuse me? What is it?

Is this a bad time?

No, Carol. What is it?

Well, if it's all right, I was going to go over to Shelly's house to show off my

new hairdo.

Oh, over to Shelly's. Well, from what I... I think that would be just fine.

Don't you, Jason? You promised.

Okay. Well, great. I'll see you then.

Oh, and I might spend the night, too.

Oh, spend the night like you did when you took your little field trip to Soho?

You told Dad?

Well, I... Well, of course you told me. I'm your father.

But it was our secret.

But your mother realized that I had a right to know.

And I think I trusted you.

Well, she's got to learn that sometimes it's just necessary to break a

confidence.

Honey?

Carol, wait.

What? I want to explain.

There's nothing for you to explain. It was my fault. I should never have

you as my equal.

If you're going to take that tone, just go to your room.

Fine.

And you said you dreamed of the day that we'd be trading secrets like sisters.

Carol,

that's not fair.

Mom, how would you have felt if I had told Dad about the Bud Kuzman tryst?

Or even the Dustin Hoffman affair, huh?

What?

Maggie, I don't... Okay, but I know you had good reasons to do what you did, but

I am not...

Whoa, this is big. I can feel it.

Yeah, you're a dead man.

Can you stop saying that?

Okay.

Who's Dustin Hoffman, anyway?

Oh, he's some actor guy. He was in that movie where he dressed up like a chick

and kissed some guy.

You're in more trouble than I thought.

Excuse me. Oh, excuse me. Not today.

Maggie, I know you're upset. I know you also understand that my responsibility

as a parent supersedes my obligation to keep a confidence.

Of course I do.

Well, good.

Then this is progress.

And I know that you understand that your handling of the situation was

completely... Okay,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. My emotions got the best of me.

I'm sure you can understand that.

I certainly can.

Good.

Because right now, my emotions have the best of me.

Mike, Carol, Ben.

Ben, this doesn't concern Mike. See, I told you. That just means he'll get to

you later.

I'll sit, but I won't eat.

Mother.

Mother. She called me mother.

Maggie, she doesn't mean that.

Oh, so she's not the only person at this table who says things they don't mean?

Okay, I think it's time we have a family talk about this.

I should go.

Don't worry, Mike. I'm the one who's going to be grounded.

I should stay.

Mike, I said this doesn't concern you.

Well, you said we should have a family talk, and I believe I am part of this

family. Leave, Mike, and take Ben with you.

Good going, Mike. You just got me kicked out of this family, too.

Well, what we need to talk about is why your mother had a right to...

What we need to talk about is why your mother had a right to tell me what you

did, and why I had a right to act on that information.

Uh... Excuse me.

Um, just to be 100 % clear, this has nothing to do with me whatsoever.

Get out, Mike.

May I be excused, too? No, you may not.

Carol, your mother had a right... No, she had an obligation to tell me what

did. That's right.

No, not when you promise not to.

What your father is saying, sweetheart, is that we're your parents. Yes. And

we're responsible for you. Yes. And it would be a different matter, Dave, if

your father violated my confidence.

Eggs, oh, no.

Yes. No, no. No.

I'm busy.

Carol, it's your father.

I want to apologize for grounding you.

I think I treated you unfairly, and to make it up to you, I want to buy you a

new car.

Come in, come in.

I was lying.

I'm not really here to apologize at all. Oh.

Well, what about the new car?

Also a lie.

I just wanted you to feel, if only for a moment, what it was like, well, when

somebody you trust lies to you.

What about a used car?

Carol, I'm talking about the lie you told about spending the night at

Like moms lie to me?

Boy, you just won't get off this thing about your mom telling me what you did,

will you? I just know that mom would be real mad if I told you even a hint of

the disgusting things that she told me about.

Honey, there's a difference.

What did she say?

No, never mind. No, I'm not interested. It wouldn't be right for me to... What's

wrong?

Nothing. Dad, you're in pain.

No, no, I'm fine. I'm great. No, you're not. I'm fine. I'm... I didn't want

anybody to know. Dad, I...

There's a chance that... There's a chance I'm developing an ulcer.

Well, are you serious?

Well, it could be if I get agitated or upset.

Well, Mike is just going to have to move out.

That's very funny, but... Dad!

We're going to talk more about this later.

I'm just going to go to the office and rest for a bit.

Oh, no.

If there's any justice at all, I should get an Emmy for that.

Mom. Carol.

I need to talk to you first.

Okay.

After you.

Oh, honey, I am sorry I broke my word to you and told your father. Mom, I don't

care about that.

You don't? No.

He always looks like that when we've been in a fight.

No, he is in pain. He told me.

What?

It's an ulcer.

He didn't want to worry you.

Jason Roland Seaver.

He's in his office.

It's getting closer, Mike.

End of the world.

Jason, why didn't you tell me?

Four minutes, 15 seconds. Not bad.

What? Hold that thought.

I think there's somebody else who should be included in this conversation.

What, Carol?

Dad, I don't care if you get mad or not.

Jason, what is this about an ulcer?

Carol, your mom seems to know things only you and I were supposed to know.

could this be?

Well, you have to worry about how run down you seem lately, Dad.

Run down?

about this ulcer business.

Ah, but it does matter. Oh, Jason, that's... Dad, Mom had a right to know.

Oh, so it's okay to violate a confidence? That's not the point. The

that we're both worried about you and that's more important. That's right.

Oh.

Oh.

Well, I'm sure you two have things to talk about.

And even if you don't, I'm leaving now before you throw something at me.

I hate it when he does that. Me too.

He gets so smug.

But it does matter.

I don't want to laugh. I'm still mad at you.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm sorry I told your father, but what choice did I

have? I'm your mother.

Yeah, and I should have remembered that before I opened my mouth.

When I think of what I could have told Carol...

Yeah, but we did have fun today.

Yeah.

The same, we'll never be able to talk like that again.

Oh, sure we will, sweetheart, when you're a little bit older.

Say, when you're in college, maybe living in a co -ed dorm.

On the other hand, college is such a tumultuous, crazy, try -it -all period

that, I know, after college, when you move into your first apartment... We can

meet for lunch and you can tell me about all the men you're dating and all the

crazy things.

After you're married.

What? And have a baby. Me? Maybe two.

Honey, we'll have so much in common. We'll have real woman -to -woman bonding

then.

When you come home for Christmas, we can sit by the fire, sip eggnog, chat after

the grandchildren are put to bed.

Are these your grandchildren or mine?

You're telling me that Carol voluntarily told Mom that she went to the CD

nightclub? Yep.

Why? Forget why. When does the bomb drop on Mike?

It doesn't, Ben.

Wow, you know, I never even thought that Carol would have the guts to cut loose

and boogie with... That's terrible.

Yeah, it is. Why?

Well, because you're supposed to be 21 to get into a place like that.

Then how'd she get in?

Let's see. She probably just had a fake ID like the one I do.

Thank you