Original subtitles

Jeff said I'll always remember this winter formal as the best night of my

life. You know, I don't even mind that I had to cough up 50 bucks for this

monkey suit.

Oh, you look so handsome, Bobby. I feel good looking next to you.

Pardon me?

Well, I mean, I must be good looking to be going out with someone as totally hot

looking as you.

Oh?

I sure like you in a dress that looks like it's falling off.

Boy, I'm sure glad you understand me.

Well, you understand me.

I do?

What am I thinking?

I believe we have a record here.

Yes, we do.

Not it.

Oh, Carol, even your shoulders are blushing there. Oh, except for where

left his white fingerprints, of course.

Michael Seaver, you are the grossest, rudest, most insensitive... Please,

please. I'll get a big head.

I am not going to let my stupid brother ruin this perfect evening.

Good, because I had something I wanted to say.

A little conversation couldn't hurt.

No, no, I mean talking with words.

Oh? You see, I got sort of a surprise.

What? Well, yeah, Kill, I've been thinking.

Really? Well, no, no.

That's not the surprise.

You see, I love you.

Wow.

Well, I love you, too.

We said it.

We both said it. Oh, we sure did.

Carol, would you be my wife?

Would you marry me?

year after we graduate. You see, if we don't, then, you know, then I'm going to

get my football scholarship to one place and you're going to get your real

scholarship to someplace else.

This has been the best year of my whole life. Yes.

Yes. What?

Why are you shaving and hanging out of the window?

I'm just trying to see what Carol and Bobby are doing since I can't hear

anything. They're out on the porch and they've been out there for 28 minutes in

17 seconds.

Well, I'd like to spend at least that long telling you how silly you are, but

have to go to the bathroom.

Oh, silly? Am I?

Am I? Is it silly to be worried about your teenage daughter who's out with her

very first steady boyfriend and who's wearing a dress I certainly would never

approve of?

If I'd been consulted.

Is that silly? Tell me if that's the... Go ahead and give me an honest answer.

Okay.

Carol had her heart set on that dress, Jason.

Honey, if that dress had been cut any lower, you'd be able to see her heart.

Mom, Dad?

What are you doing?

Well, we don't want Carol to think we waited up for her. We?

Well, you're awake, aren't you?

you know that I got home okay?

Just now?

How was your first formal?

Oh, wonderful.

And everybody loved my dress.

I'll bet.

Um, Mom, Dad, don't you think that it's about time that we had Bobby's parents

over for dinner?

Of course, anytime.

Great, I knew you'd say that. I had Bobby invite them for next Friday night.

Next Friday? Hold on.

What? What's the hurry?

No hurry. Is it a problem?

No, no, no.

Great.

Oh, here, Dad.

Somebody left your shaving mirror in the bushes.

Darn, Ben.

It's absolutely the most bad thing that's ever happened.

Is it a real diamond?

Well, of course it's real. That's why it's so small.

And the 12 of you.

I just heard the dopiest rumor of my entire life.

Somebody is actually spreading it all around school that you and Bobby are,

this, engaged.

You mean this is true?

What are you kidding, Carol? I can't believe it.

Now, come on. You're shucking me, right?

Goodbye, Mom.

Wait a minute, Carol.

You are serious.

Hey, look, come on.

Bobby is the first guy you ever went out with. So?

So. Look, I'm just saying that, look, I wouldn't go off and marry the first guy

that I ever dated.

You know what I mean.

Look, I'm just saying, look, say chili dogs.

Chili dogs were the first food that you ever ate, okay?

Now, say you ate those day after day after day, you know? In a couple of

you'd probably be puking your guts out, right?

You're disgusting.

All right, all right. Forget chili dog. Let's take pizza.

Mike, Mike, let's not, okay?

I've got to get to class. Just don't tell Mom and Dad about this before I do

Friday night, okay?

Carol, you're crazy. They're going to freak. Mom is going to do this until

airborne, and Dad's eyes are just going to bug out of his head, you know? It

wouldn't be surprising if they just shot across the room.

Okay, they might react that way at first, but then once the dust settles,

they'll hear our irrefutable reasons.

And they'll realize just how committed Bobby and I are.

No, they'll realize that you should be committed.

Ben, these are Bobby's parents coming over. I want you on company behavior

tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you have to make a rude noise, leave the room first.

How rude.

Just leave.

How many times are you going to straighten those pillows?

I just want everything to be perfect.

Gotta leave the room.

I wonder where she gets it.

Wait, Mom.

Using our good silver is a mistake.

But I thought you wanted to impress them.

Yeah, but our silver could intimidate them.

Oh, well, then we'll just eat with our hands and rip the food apart.

Hi, Mr. Seaver. Hi, Dr. Seaver. Carol, how's it going?

Um, Mom, Dad, these are Bobby's parents. Oh, yeah.

I'm Kitty.

I'm Maggie.

I'm Jason. I'm Robert.

Well, won't you come in?

We're in.

Well, won't you come in further?

Oh, Carol, it's going just like you said. They're starting to talk and smile

everything. And my dad, my dad didn't even start cussing when your mom says

likes Cagney and Lacey.

Let's not wait till after dinner to tell them.

Let's tell them now.

Okay. Remember, let me talk first.

Uh... I'll talk, Bobby.

Okay, everybody, we have an announcement.

Wait a minute. I don't want to miss this.

Kitty, Robert, this is our oldest son. Mom, it's not important.

Go ahead, Carol.

What's this all about?

Yeah. Is this going to hold up dinner?

First of all, I want you all to know I'm not pregnant.

What?

Carol! Somebody better explain this.

Carol, what is it?

Okay. Here it goes.

Next... year, a week after graduation, after Bobby and I have both chosen our

colleges, Bobby and I are getting married.

They're taking it far better than I thought.

on how to take advantage of distracted parents. It just doesn't make any sense.

Not now, Mike. Oh, I was just wondering if I could go with Boner to this mud

wrestling joint. Fine. Thank you.

Wow.

You knucklehead. What the hell are you thinking?

I know, Pop. I'm waiting for an answer.

Mom, Dad. Not now, Ben.

I was just going to ask if I could eat everybody's dessert.

Absolutely not.

Now, discussions are usually much more productive if we can be calm and

rational. Yes.

Thank you, Dad.

Now, are you all ready to hear our reason? I don't want to hear caca.

Robert!

Robert! How can you expect us to be calm and rational? Robert!

What? You're standing on my foot.

But we owe it to our children to hear them out, all right?

Carol, Bobby, we're sorry. Sorry?

What?

Kids, wait in the kitchen. The grown -ups need to talk.

But you have to hear... Carol!

We'll talk later.

Jason, these kids walk in here and make this crazy announcement and you

apologize to them. That is so wrong.

Boy, is that right.

Thank you, Robert. You're a sensible man.

Robert, you're wrong.

Whoa. We ain't like these people.

We don't have dominating women in our family.

Excuse me? Let's just say I see where your daughter gets it.

Wait, wait, wait.

Let's all just catch our breaths here.

Where our daughter gets what?

She's leading Bobby around by the nose hairs, just like you do Mason here.

What?

I don't know. You know the part of our plan when we're all supposed to get mad

and let it out?

I don't know, Carol. I think it's working too good.

I saw what my dad was trying to do. I'm sure by now he's got them all calmed

down and they're ready to talk.

Well, fine then. You stay right where you are and we'll go in the steak and

kitchen.

Don't worry, Carol. Everything will be okay.

Oh, you're so sweet.

You'll think of something.

Hi. Carol, you and Bobby have to go.

Somewhere else.

Where? I got a suggestion.

Just go inside and cool off.

It's not hot in here.

Come on, Bobby.

Okay, honey. You're whipped, kid. You hear me?

She's got you whipped.

What a night.

What is it with these kids?

They hold hands. They make goo -goo eyes at each other.

They think they're in love.

Well, it takes a lot more than love to put up with marriage.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm basting the roast.

She's got you doing the cooking?

No offense, Pally, but you're a bigger wimp than my kids.

I'm expending some nervous energy trying to figure out how my smart daughter

could come up with something this stupid.

So you're saying it's my kid's fault? Oh, of course it's his fault.

But blame is not the issue here.

We have to deal with them rationally if we want to make any headway tonight.

Right.

How about if they ever try to see each other again, we break their legs?

Come on, Robert. Now, what if Kitty's father had threatened you? What would

have done?

What I did don't matter.

Bobby's different.

With this football scholarship deal, he's going to be the first one in our

family ever to go to college.

I taught him the game every day after work.

Look the ball in, Bobby. Look it in.

When we started...

He wasn't much bigger than a football.

Look, I think Carol's a real good kid. I do.

But she and Bobby haven't been out there.

They don't know.

And Bobby sure don't need the pressure of being married before he gets to take

that shot.

Now, don't you think Bobby would respond a lot better to what you just said than

to yelling?

Yeah.

Yeah, he would.

So, will you tell him?

Look, Carrie, Bobby and Carol are so different. I mean, they want different

things. And I really think if Carol gave herself half a chance, she could really

do a whole lot better.

You were going to say better.

But I didn't mean that. I meant smarter.

Yeah, no.

I don't think that's very fair.

I mean, as organs go, the brain isn't all that important.

You're right, Kitty. I'm very sorry.

All right. Now, is everybody ready to discuss this situation with reason and

self -possession? Because we certainly are, right, Chase?

Robert, have you been drinking?

No, we've been based on a roast.

Carol, Bobby, we're ready to hear your reasons now. We certainly are.

Point one.

By marrying...

first year of college, we'll be able to take a small apartment off campus

together and therefore save our wonderful parents a great deal of money.

a financial savings like that is not a reason to get married. I'm sure I speak

even for your father.

Okay. All right.

Hey, we got a lot more reasons, Carol Funkup.

Right. Okay.

Point two, you're probably thinking that we're too young for this, but... I'd

like to point out that we'll be about the same age that all of you were when

got married. Now, Carol, our situations are not relevant to yours. You've got to

make your case based on things that are pertinent only to you and Bobby. But,

Dad, I... Nice move.

You were going to listen to us. Hey, he's listening.

Look at him.

I'm listening.

So our reasons don't really matter. You were just treating us like children.

Kids, kids.

I mean people.

This stinks.

And if you ain't gonna listen to me, then I ain't gonna listen to you either.

But you haven't said anything, Bobby.

That's because Carol's speaking for two.

So she is pregnant.

I am not.

Listen, Bobby, bottom line.

As long as you're living under my roof, you're gonna do what I say. Yeah? Well,

maybe I better find another roof to live under.

He had a lovely evening.

Bobby! Carol!

What are you doing here? Carol, I've learned something about myself tonight.

I am not a man.

Who's, like, good with, um... Words?

Right.

I'm a man who's, uh... Action?

Exactly. See, Carol, this is why we get along so good. Because you can, like,

you know... Complete your thoughts? Boy, sometimes it's like you're psycho.

Okay, here it is. You and me, we elope tonight.

Now? We hit the open road. We're married before our parents can mess anything

up. Bobby, I don't know. Can you come up with one good reason why we shouldn't

get married? No, but... Right.

But... But tonight?

Carol, if we're right for each other, we're right for each other. It doesn't

matter when we get married, does it? No, but... Carol, I love you.

Well, I love you, too.

So?

What are we gonna do about it?

This is it, Carol.

It's time for, um... Action.

My car's parked on the street.

Oh, great.

Oh, I love you. I love you.

Just think, by this time tomorrow, I'll be kissing Mrs.

Robert Burnett.

Your mother's coming with us?

No, that'll be you.

Oh.

But I don't want to change my name.

Oh.

I thought you knew that.

No, I... It doesn't matter.

I love you.

Oh, I love you.

Oh, you know what I'm really looking forward to?

Yeah, me too.

No.

Next year when we get our little apartment in Boston.

Yeah, where?

Boston, where Harvard is.

Oh, you want to go to Harvard?

It's always been my dream.

I thought we was going to go to a good school.

You don't think Harvard is a good school?

No, not in football.

You got your Big Ten schools, Ohio State, Michigan, Illinois.

What? Well, yeah, I thought you knew that. That's my dream.

But Harvard is my... It doesn't matter.

I love you.

Was it cold?

Yeah.

I love you. I love you.

Oh, we sure did.

Won't it be great to have breakfast together every day? Yeah, and dinner

could just see myself rushing home after football practice. Not that I expect

you do all the cooking, no sir.

Oh, that is so sweet.

We can order out. Burgers, Chinese food, chili dogs.

Chili dogs?

Yeah, every night if you want.

I love you.

Carol, are you okay?

I'm thinking.

About what?

Chili dogs.

You want something else? You got it. How's about pizza?

Maybe we're not doing the right thing.

We talked everything out.

Yes. I propose you accept it, right?

Yes. All we're doing is pushing the wedding date up immediately here.

I'm not so sure about that.

Aren't we always saying how perfect we are for each other?

I know. Maybe we should just stick to our original plan. What are you talking

about? What is going to change in a year?

Name one single thing that's going to change.

Bobby, I... See, you can't name one thing that's going to be different.

No, I can't. Right.

So if it's a good idea to get married a year from now, then it's a good idea to

get married tonight.

If it ain't, then this whole thing's a mistake.

Oh.

There's so much I didn't think about.

You're not arguing with me.

I... I... I can't.

Yeah.

Well... I should return this.

I'm sure it was expensive.

I'll see you around sometime.

Yeah.

Your jacket.

No.

Oh, Carol, you scared me. But then again, you always scare me.

Oh, Mike.

It's okay, Carol. It's okay.