Original subtitles

And in the lighter side of the news, Teen Scene Magazine today released the

results of its annual teen heartthrob poll.

They have declared that the dreamiest guy alive is Kirk. Who cares?

How many watching?

Nothing's on.

Yeah, there's gotta be.

Anyway, you're not supposed to watch TV. You promised Mom and Dad you'd actually

do your homework for a teen.

You don't sweat it, I will.

Well, me, love.

more properly known as the Castor. It is one of nature's most ambitious

engineers.

And you said nothing was on.

What, Mike? What in the world are you doing in here when you have that darn

English report due?

What? I'm gonna get you for this, Carol.

Like, didn't you put your hand on your heart and promise to do your homework?

Dad, I will.

Well, what do we have to do? Pay you to do it?

You know, I think you're onto something here, Dad.

Is that PBS Beaver special on yet?

Mike, you are supposed to be doing your English homework.

I know. What is it with you people? You act like I never do my homework or

something.

Come on, look. It's a crummy little four -page English report on Raymond

Chandler. Four pages that are typed.

Researched. Footnoted. With bibliography. That you should have been

for four weeks. And that is due tomorrow.

And... According to your teacher... If you don't get at least a B on this...

won't pass the course and that means that you... Won't graduate. Yeah!

What are you going to do? Get together and rehearse this or something?

Mike. Mom, Dad, look, you don't have to get so excited.

Oh, we don't? Look, I know that over the years, my school record hasn't exactly

been terrific.

What? Whoa.

I know how important this report is, and I know that I kid around a lot, but

there is no way that I'm going to let myself fail this course. I mean, Dad,

even read the book, and that's why I have set everything aside this evening

can spend the entire night in my room at my desk finishing that report no matter

how long it takes.

Hello? Mikey, sorry I'm late. Ready to split?

Show me that smile again. Ooh, show me that smile.

Don't waste another minute on your crying.

We're nowhere near the end.

The best is ready to begin.

After love.

After

love.

Watch him dance.

Well, okay, all right.

Boner and I, we're merely going to take a couple of minutes to drop in on a very

dear, very close friend of ours who's very nervous about this new job and who

needs some support.

The man is good.

So who exactly is this very dear, very close friend?

Who? Yeah.

Well, you know the name is kind of slipping out of my mind. Sheena Woo Woo

Buckowitz.

Okay, all right. Now, before you jump to the wrong conclusion here, you should

know that Sheena just got a very challenging job at Almondanza Pizza,

dough in the air.

Oh, yeah.

And, Mom, Sheena's famous for needing all kinds of support.

Oh, yeah.

Boner, get out.

Jason, that's rude.

Sorry.

Mike, go to your room. Go straight to your room and get started on your paper.

And don't come out of your room until you either finish that homework or you

turn 21, whichever comes first.

You tired up all night, Mikey?

Bonner, get out!

The crowd is stunned, ladies and gentlemen. Mike Seaver is actually going

the book.

And what are you kids sitting around for? Don't you have some chores to do?

Whose night is it to take out the trash?

Mike! Mike, take out the trash.

What? Mike, it's your night to take out the garbage. But I have to work on my

report. Well, you do that after the trash.

Oh, okay.

Fine, fine, fine, fine. But if I ever at least get a beer in the street park,

it's on your heads.

32 seconds, not bad.

No, I didn't get out of it, Bones. Yeah, right, sure. Listen, woo -woo, shift

ends at 8 o 'clock.

I want to beat the crowd and get a spot right in front of the window.

No, I'm serious, man. I've got to finish my stupid English report.

Mikey, Mikey, think about what counts here.

We don't got no need for English.

I can't believe it. I mean, all of my life, I've been walking past the windows

of pizza parlors, and who's always in there?

Yeah, some porked -out old guy named Guido.

But now, it's woo -woo Berkowitz.

Throwing gobs of dough high into the air, reaching up to catch him, arching

back and stretching.

The perfect blend of form and function.

The faith.

The hair.

The anchovies.

You know, I would pay money to see her toss anything in the air.

Look, man, there's always tomorrow night, right? No, no, no, not for me.

see, I'm going tonight because...

There could be a nuclear war tomorrow, and I would never forgive myself.

Oh, great. That's great, though.

Oh, Mike.

Oh, Dad.

Yeah, Mike, you know, when I saw you out here playing with a basketball, just

wasting time, I thought to myself, well, I gotta tell you, I gotta be honest

here, I gotta tell you right now, I got angry.

And then I thought, no, no, no, no, maybe my kid's really got a future in

professional basketball.

So why not just forget about that English report? Forget about school.

Forget about the fact you're 5 '7 and white.

Now, I promise myself, Mike, if you made that last shot, boy, I'd just let you

party. Just sail right on into that NBA draft.

I guess we both know what that last airball cost you.

Later, bone.

Boy, one airball and your whole life is down the chute.

No doubt it's really strict.

Look, if you guys don't have any faith in me, don't beat around the bush. Just

say it.

We have no faith.

Whoa, what is that?

It's a woman in a bikini bending over.

Ben, does Mom and Dad know that you're watching that cable channel?

This isn't cable. This is the local news. This week they're examining the

question.

The only question I got is, what's her phone number?

Oh, watch out for those nasty waves.

I knew with 36 pounds there had to be something good on it. Oh, look at that.

She's getting all soaking wet. Poor baby.

Look at that. Oh, look at that.

Why don't you videotape it? Good idea.

Mom,

this isn't disgusting.

This is the local news.

The TV stays off for the rest of the night. What?

Sorry, Ben. Your brother can't handle the distractions.

Mike, upstairs.

And I mean now.

March. March?

Mom, come on. Look, we're both adults here, and you don't need to treat me

I'm some silly little child.

Go! Now!

Oh, no.

Treat me like a little kid, huh?

All right. To work.

Where's my desk?

All right, who swipes my desk?

Get to work, now.

Fine, how's a guy supposed to work without a stupid desk?

Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, here it is.

All right, a desk.

Now what else?

Typewriter.

How was the guy supposed to type a stupid report when he... Ow.

Okay.

Now, where's that Raymond Chandler book?

Oh, great.

It's a lot of paper. I only need four pieces.

Okay. First, I'll start with putting the paper in.

All right. Not bad.

All right. Now, my name.

All

right.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah.

My name.

Ah, this is easy.

No? No, no, wait a minute. I should write this out before I type it. Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Hmm.

Ticonderoga number two.

with your paper.

How'd you know it was me?

Because it was a dumb -sounding knock. Get out.

Well, for your information, I did not come in here for your pathetic help. I'm

merely here to sharpen a pencil.

All right, over there. The pencil sharpener is a little tricky. Maybe for

but men are much better at handling power tools.

Oh, thanks a lot, Carol.

Now, what am I supposed to do?

how to be typed anyway.

Yeah, but you gotta have a first draft first. Don't you know anything?

You mean you haven't even started yet?

Look, what's your point?

4 .0, what's yours?

Look, Carol, I have got the whole report right up here.

Where it's safe.

Look, what do you know anyway?

I know that a cursory examination of Raymond Chandler's work won't reveal the

full extent of the depth, symbolism, and import that he weaves into his story.

I mean, take the long goodbye, for example. I mean, here, Chandler.

No, no,

no,

please.

Testing,

one, two, three, please work, please work, please work.

Testing, one, two, three, please work, please work, please work.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah, what?

Well, I was saying that you were totally wrong about what you were saying

before. What was I saying?

Oh, well, you know, about Raymond Chandler playing the cymbals.

No, Mike, I said his work was fraught with symbolism and import.

Oh, right, right. Well, prove it.

Prove it?

Yeah. Well, Mike, you need only...

Read the long goodbye to see how Chandler used the metaphor of the 40s

to illustrate the plight of the modern man in the 20th century, alone fighting

incredible odds.

I mean, essentially, Chandler's message was that modern man hadn't traveled that

far since Charles Syrian days.

That's enough, Carol.

What'd I do?

Well, I'd guess about most of your brother's paper.

Oh, Mom, that is such an insult. I mean, you actually think that I would have my

little sister do my work for me?

You were saying... Hey!

All right, who put that in my pocket?

I expected better of you, Dad.

Not one more lame excuse. But, Mom, I... Not one more word. Just not one

syllable. Not one letter.

You are not to set foot outside this room until you have typed one entire

If you understand me, bink your eyes.

Bink?

Okay, okay, Mike, you leave me no choice except to take drastic action.

Van! What are you going to do?

I wasn't watching the news, I swear!

Van, how would you like to make ten dollars?

I'd rather make a hundred.

Ten zero.

What's the job? I want you to stand guard outside this room.

What? If Mike comes out for any reason, you let me know. Mom, Mom, look, if you

think that Benny here, my pal, my bro, my blood, would sue me out for $10, you

are so wrong. I mean, Benny couldn't live with himself, right?

No, Mom, I couldn't. See?

For $20, I could.

$10. I can live with that.

Well, I think we've finally done it. I had to get tough.

But Mike's in his room, Ben's standing guard. It's only 8 o 'clock, and with

luck, an English report will soon be born.

Great, great.

What are you doing?

I'm watching TV.

Why can't I hear anything?

Oh, I left the sound off so I wouldn't disturb Mike.

Well, that's very sweet, honey, but what can you watch without sound?

This is a new special.

An in -depth examination of the bikini question.

I didn't know there was a question.

Oh, yeah.

Your turn.

Out of the way, Ben.

Has this visit been cleared by Mom?

It has, yes.

You got something on paper?

Out of the way.

Nice hat.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I was just gearing up a little mood music, Dad. In the mood now?

Yeah. Because this is a hostage, Mike.

And this is a non -negotiable demand.

I want the English report.

Or you will never see your stereo alive again.

Dad, watch out for the... What

the heck happened?

No music.

No friend.

No food, except for whatever might be growing under his bed.

No more distractions. Nothing.

Nothing to do except finish his paper.

Oh, whatever happened to the bikini question?

They answered it.

It was no.

Are you sure there's nothing else up there for him to do?

Nothing. Unless he decides to clean up his room.

Nah. All

right.

Now I can...

record for a nose balancing a pencil.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the impossible.

Steve is going to try with not only one, but two pencils.

Oh, please let there be batteries in it. Please let there be batteries. I'll

never drive over 35 again.

Yes, all right.

Steve is ready to work. I'm talking ready. I'm ready.

Well, either he's working... Or he escaped out the window.

Oh, he fell asleep working.

Let's see how he did.

The.

Go on.

There is no on.

Mike.

Oh, uh, Mom.

Mom, I'm doing great here. I'm on a roll.

Oh, Dad, you're here, too.

Oh, you're on a roll?

One word, one lousy syllable in an hour and a half?

Yeah, but I spelled it right. Oh, Mike, that's not funny.

Look, I really wish I had more time to chat here, but this report is due here

pretty soon. Mike, this is not cute, amusing, or charming.

Well, Mom... I give up. Well, I don't. Oh, Maggie, come on. We can't help him

anymore. It's not enough for us to want things for him. He's got to want them

for himself.

And apparently all he wants is to be a bum.

You're really mad at me, aren't you, Dad?

Yes. No.

No? No, no, I'm mad at myself.

Oh, I believed, I really believed that you were just, well, you were bright and

intelligent, just a little bit lazy.

I thought maybe someday you'd snap out of it, but I've been kidding myself.

What are you saying?

Nothing that he means. Jason, tell Mike that you don't mean a word that you're

saying. I do mean it.

I just think it's time, Maggie, that we should admit that we're wrong.

About what?

What did you want about it? Come on.

I mean, we've been pushing you to realize your big potential. Maybe this

the potential you've got.

It is not, Jason.

Well, that's the only explanation, Maggie. No, it isn't, Dad. Look, come

I'm a goof, a clown, a total bozo. But I am not stupid.

Mike.

I believe you're a total bozo.

What?

Jason, what?

You didn't mean that. Of course I didn't mean that.

But you sounded so convincing.

I hope so.

Jason, you should have started insulting Mike years ago.

Where are you going?

Well, now that I'm on a roll, I think I'll go and wake up Ben and tell him how

disappointed I am in him.

And so on behalf of the entire News Center

3 team, Mindy, Biff, Scotty, and Dr. Goss with the weather, good night from

guys and gals who treat your news seriously.

I did it. I did it. Four pages, footnoted, typewritten, the whole shot.

cover, too.

Well, that's great, Mike.

Yeah, where's Carol? I want a rubber nose and something brilliant.

In bed, Mike. It's 11 .30.

It can't be. Yes, you've been working on this for an hour and a half straight.

I have?

I mean, uh, yeah.

What'd you expect?

Exactly that.

Yeah, well, see, like I said, Dad, I'm merely a total bozo.

I know, Mike.

We've been meaning to talk to you about that.

Sit down, son.

This could take quite a while.