Original subtitles

So in front of all my in -laws, my wife spins around, she says to me, Carl,

prove you're a psychiatrist worth a hundred bucks an hour by healing

So what do you feel like saying when she does that to you?

What do I feel like saying?

I'll tell you.

I feel better. I feel good.

Well,

time's up.

Thank you, doctor. No, thank you, doctor.

All right, my turn.

So, let's see.

Last week, you said you were feeling depressed.

Yeah.

Well, now I'm terrific.

Oh, good.

That'll be a hundred bucks. Thank you for coming in.

Carl, I think the reason that you're joking is because you feel uncomfortable

dealing with a colleague.

I always wanted to say that to a patient.

So you claim you're terrific.

Claim? Carl, if that's going to be your attitude, I may not even tell you.

Chase? All right, all right, stop browbeating me. I'll talk.

I'll talk.

I have had such a week. I've had an incredible week.

Not only is my self -doubt gone, but I've got a second wind.

This may be the most incredible week of my life.

I just haven't felt this positive, this energized, this... Essential in years.

Well, try a little vocalization.

Vocalization, okay.

Whoa, wow, whippy, whippy, whoa!

Is that whoa, whoa, whippy, woo?

No, that was one whoa and two whippies, and it went like that, so get with it,

Cartman.

Show me that smile again.

Oh, show me that smile.

Don't waste another minute on your crying.

We're nowhere near.

We're ready to begin.

I mean, just to think that it was one week ago and I'm staring right into the

abyss of self -doubt.

Well, you do pay attention.

Of course I pay attention.

I think that I was looking for someone to answer my questions, Carl, and what I

really needed all the time was for me to help someone else with theirs. It was

so simple, so basic.

You didn't think I was listening to you, did you?

Perfect place to start.

All right, it all began in my office with a patient.

It was last Wednesday. I'm sitting in my... Wait a minute.

You have office hours on Wednesday?

Shut up, Carl.

All right, Roseanne, that's our session for this week. Same time next week? Dr.

Seaver, I have something to say to you, and I must say it before I leave.

Okay, sure.

I can't say it.

All right, then we'll talk next week. No, we won't.

Pardon me?

I'm going to start seeing another therapist.

What? You aren't mad at me, are you?

No, no, but I think we should discuss it. I was so afraid I was going to tell

you and you were going to start crying and rolling around on the floor.

No, no, I hardly ever do that anymore, Rosetta.

But I think we should explore... It is so nice of you to be so nice about this.

No problem. Why do you want to see another therapist?

Why?

I think this is important for you and me. Why? Yes, why?

Why?

Because you're not helping me at all.

I see.

Well, it's really not your fault, Dr.

Seaver. You've done everything humanly possible.

How could you know that my problem stems from events in one of my previous lives

on Earth?

Roseanne, have you been watching Oprah again?

It's a very good show.

Yes, well, I... You should do whatever you think is best. Well, I just didn't

want to hurt your feelings just because you failed.

That's nonsense.

No, no, no, I, uh...

I just want you to know that if you don't find the answer in some previous

century, my door is always open to you.

Thank you.

Oprah. Mrs. Flagg just confirmed how I've been feeling lately.

File update.

Roseanne Flagg is terminating her session because she's a total loon.

Now, she's terminating because I have failed her.

Inactive.

Just like me.

It started me wondering. I mean, what proof did I have that any of my patients

were truly better off for having seen me? Was I competent?

Ben, dinner's in half an hour.

I'm looking forward to it.

No, come on. I'm cooking tonight.

Baked beans?

Sure, why not?

All right!

That's still useful in the kitchen.

I should never have gone into psychiatry.

Lots of things I could have done.

I could have been a fireman or an astronaut.

Cowboy.

One of the toughest parts about what we do is that you can't talk to your wife

about your work. And sometimes the smartest thing Maggie can do is stay

from me. The smartest thing I can do is stay away from you.

If I were you, I'd move.

She did.

And then my daughter and her friends arrived.

Hi, Dad.

Yeah. Dad, we've got a ton of college brochures to go through. So is it okay

Deb and Shel stay for dinner?

What, they don't have homes of their own?

I'm sorry, I'm not Bill Cosby.

Oh, my father's weird, too. Forget about dinner, Mr. Seaver. I'm on a super

strict diet. I can't have real food.

I'm on that same diet.

Well, why don't we just order out for pizza?

Debbie, here's a medical school in Haiti, right on the beach. Oh, wow.

Don't you want to go to a real medical school?

Wow, look at these cabanas.

Dad, tell Debbie where you went to medical school.

You went to medical school?

Well, of course he did.

Wow, I'm sorry. I thought you were just a psychiatrist.

I felt like just a psychiatrist.

She means you don't like licking guts and stuff.

My father deals with mental guts.

Tell him, Dad.

I deal with mental guts.

All right, cut the man through. Move it or bleed. Hey, Dad.

All right, Vaughn, just put her down right there.

What? Dad!

Hey, Dad, I'm not screwing around here. This is a project for our class. It's

real homework. We were here...

Mikey, please. In a minute, Bone.

Well, go somewhere else, you might.

Dad, all right, look, it's up to you. Either you're serious about me doing my

homework, or you've got to listen to Carol's whining.

I'm going to drop it.

We're going to drop it. Hold on, will you two stop arguing?

Oh, there, you happy now?

You better have a real good reason for all this.

Oh, heck yeah, Dad. We're doing a torso study at Bonner for art class.

That's why Mikey said I should carry in everything, to pump up my physique.

Oh, uh, Dad, this is Jill. She, uh, she paid for all this plaster, so if you're

gonna kick us out, you're gonna have to answer to her.

Hi. Look, uh, Kate did... No, we kicked out her what?

The basement's fine.

Oh, yeah, yeah, the basement. That should work. Come on, Boom. Let's go.

So who's gonna get the other three bags of plaster?

Guess.

Did you see who that was? Could

you believe it? He's in your house?

So what's the matter with... Jill? Yeah.

Oh, nice.

Very nice, ladies. Dad, whatever they said about Jill is a lie. That teacher

deserved to be slugged.

So what's the story with that girl?

Well, she never talked... to anyone except to be nasty, and she's always

in trouble, Dad. I mean, she spends more time in the principal's office than

Mike. And worse, she's not into clothes or makeup or anything that's important.

Never mind.

Shelly, that doesn't matter. What I was gonna say is that she's practically

flunking out. So?

I'm practically flunking out, too.

Do I know you?

Obituaries. So, you're a head shrinker.

Uh -huh.

Something I can do for you?

Um... Ew!

Boner!

Boy, I swear, what am I ever going to learn not to ask Boner to help me? I

how many times will I have to get burned?

I said I was sorry.

kitchen will be as good as new.

Mike, you guys said you'd work in the basement.

You don't believe me, Dad. Boner's the one who dropped the whole bag of plaster

on the floor. Well, yeah. Well, I wouldn't have dropped it if I had to ask

help. You're beyond help.

Yeah, come on, Jill.

Coming.

Nice talking to you.

Huh?

Uh, Dad?

Uh -huh?

Are you planning on staying here?

Am I in your way?

Oh, no, no, no.

I mean, if you're going to stay here, we'll go somewhere else.

No, no, no, no. You sit.

No, I'll go somewhere else. It doesn't matter where I go.

It's not like I'm doing anything useful, right?

Thanks, Dad.

Came out for a breath of fresh air.

Yeah, to smoke.

I'll leave.

No, no, no, you stay. Stay. Smoke your brains out.

Go ahead, kill yourself if you want to.

Kill myself?

Yeah, I do appreciate you not doing it in the house, at least.

Oh, but you don't mind if I off myself out here?

Of course I do.

But I certainly can't get people to act the way I'd like them to.

Otherwise, today would have been a lot different.

So, please excuse me while I finish killing myself.

We're not talking about smoking anymore, are we?

No.

We're not talking about smoking anymore, are we?

No.

I felt as if my breath had been knocked out of me, and with it all my petty

concerns and self -pity. In that instant, all that mattered was this sad

scruffy girl who was trying to be so tough.

Do I understand you? Are you considering... Forget it. Now, hold on.

you going to say something that's going to turn my whole life around?

Well, no, but I'm not going to let you walk away either.

Look, I wasn't serious, okay? It was a joke. What's your problem?

You're not going anywhere.

Oh, yeah?

Wait a minute.

Believe me, if you think you can tell me you're thinking of killing yourself and

just leave here, you're mistaken.

Now, both of us were acting tough.

I only hoped my act was as good as hers.

Fine. Waste your time.

Let's just stay out here and freeze.

Well, why don't we go in my office? No.

Okay, fine. This is good.

I got nothing to talk about.

Really?

Yeah. Really.

Look, I know you came in here tonight for the first time ever. I know you're

supposed to be here helping Mike and Boner.

I also know you spend most of your time staring at me. I know you know I'm a

psychiatrist.

So what do you want to say to me?

Big deal. I just wanted to talk to you and I changed my mind. Isn't that loud?

No.

No.

Look, it's... I don't know what to say.

This is... All right, all right. Just, uh...

Tell me why you picked me to talk to.

Well, it's not like I got a whole lot of people to choose from.

Well, what about your parents?

Right.

Why not? Your mom?

She's... She's not around.

What about your dad?

Too busy.

You got friends?

I only know a couple of people, and...

They probably think killing myself was a good idea.

What about teachers?

Oh, yeah, which one will it be?

Mr. Gardner in health or Ms. Romano in typing?

Okay, how about... Look, it's like I said, there's nobody.

I wish there was.

Okay, you said your dad's too busy.

Is he such a bad guy, though?

He couldn't handle it.

Well, are you so sure about that? You know, sometimes fathers and mothers...

mother killed herself, okay?

It was

a week before my 12th birthday.

We were going to have a party.

My God. I'm fine.

I'm not about to tell my dad about this after what he's been through.

Well, that's a terrible thing for any... I used to feel that way.

Used to? Yes.

What do you feel now?

Like I don't exist.

Like I'm just walking around in somebody else's dream.

And any second that person could just wake up and... You'd just disappear,

Yeah.

And I wouldn't even remember they dreamed me.

Look, you really shouldn't even bother with me because, I mean, it's not like I

can afford to pay you or anything, so... I don't remind me. I didn't ask you for

any money. Well, this whole thing is just a bad idea. Can I please have my

back?

Help me! Help me!

Hey, don't. Just stay there.

How would you put the saw on me if you didn't know how to get it off? Boner

would have been a lot easier if you just shaved your chest.

Look at me.

Help me.

Where is Jill? She's got the saw.

Saw? Dad, have you seen her? No.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. That's weird. I mean, I haven't been able to find her

anywhere. She's got to be out there. But she isn't, Mike.

Mike, Mike, will you? She's not out here, okay?

Will you just take Boner inside and soak him in hot water?

Okay, okay.

Thanks, Dr. Siva. You saved my life.

Jill? Jill?

I'm here.

Thanks.

For not saying it.

Look, there'd be no interruptions in my office. No! Okay, fine.

If I don't stay out here, we get freed to death.

Let me rephrase that.

Okay.

You wanted to know why I picked you to talk to?

I'll tell you.

It's Mike.

I had to meet his dad.

You know, every time I get sent to DeWitt, the principal, Mike's usually

He's the only kid I know who ever gets into as much trouble as me.

But he never seems to get down about it.

Even when DeWitt yells at him, he's got this look on his face like he's having a

good time.

Like today, we had to go to this career day garbage and Mike takes out one of

these booze and he puts up a sign.

Sex therapy. The doctor is in.

That's my boy.

So DeWitt sent him to detention for the whole week and I went up to him and I

said, you know, hey, I'm sorry you got busted.

And do you know what he said?

If I helped just one poor girl out there, it was worth it.

Well, what you have to understand about Mike is that with him, most of the time,

that's just his act.

I hope.

Yeah, but everybody else at that school is always running around like they can't

wait to graduate and begin life.

Like, great, exciting things are going to happen. And the truth is, there's

really nothing.

Well, that's not true. For me, it is. What's in my... future, huh?

Some stupid job, maybe a lame marriage. And then if I'm really lucky, I'll end

up with a kid who's just as messed up as me. No, thank you. Well, it doesn't

have to be that way. Right. Tell my... Never mind.

You were going to say, tell my mother that.

Because your mom, she knew how hopeless life could be.

Yes.

And you think she's right?

She was.

But what if she was wrong?

What if she wasn't? What if life isn't as empty and hopeless as...

Pretty angry at your mom, aren't you? Oh, yes.

Yes, it's very difficult to be angry at someone close to you, someone you love.

People sometimes do things, they do things to hurt themselves just because,

it's so tough. They just want to avoid admitting that they're angry.

Oh, you think that I would really rather kill myself than admit that mom,

that my mom hated me?

I didn't say your mom hated you. Well, why else would she kill herself?

Well, maybe she thought her mother hated her. Maybe she had mental problems that

had absolutely nothing to do with you.

Maybe she was just as confused as you are right now.

That's the biggest crock I've ever heard.

She didn't immediately embrace my theory, but I had her talking. There was

spark and a vitality in her eyes that was new.

She was beginning to realize that she was a real person after all and not a

character in someone's dream. The dreamer had awakened and she hadn't

disappeared.

Hey, you don't get to say when time is up. I'm the doctor this time. I get to

say when time is up. It's my office, my budget.

I want to know what happened since then.

Well, I feel vital.

I feel confident. Not you, her.

I know, I know.

How is she?

Well, she's, um... Jason?

I envy you.

Well, we'll deal with that problem next week.

Right now, I have a two o 'clock.

Okay.

See you next week, Carl.

Oh, yeah.

Only next week you go first. That way, if we run out of time, we can take it

of my session.

Oh, you think that's wise?

I'll put some clothes on, will you, boner?

Hi. Hi.

Is anybody else around?

No, just us.

We're ready.

Go on and have a seat.

We'll just pick up where we left off last time.

I wanted to tell you that I did what you said and I talked to my dad.

And?

He hugged me.

He wants to come to my next session.

Well, that's wonderful.

And maybe we can do it in my office next time.

Either that or I'll just pull up another lawn chair here.

Anyway, um... This week's been a little different.

There was this girl at school and, um... Have a piece of gum?

Yes, I brought a book.

I said, okay.

And we talked a little bit, and I ended up going over to her house.