Original subtitles

Oh, maybe I didn't go to the party because I had something else to do.

Maybe I had more fun last night than any teenager should be allowed to have.

Yeah, anyway, it was the greatest party that I have ever been to. And you missed

it. You're just saying it was a great party because some guy probably asked

to dance. Yeah.

Rick Levin.

Hi, Carol. Hi, Deb. Oh, I just felt like Carol was too missed last night.

Absolutely the worst party I've ever been to.

What? The only guy who asked me to dance the entire night was that wimp, Rick

Levin.

You don't think he's a fox? The man has no self -esteem. He'll dance with

anybody.

Speaking of last night, I spent the entire evening with Bobby, so... Big

So you were studying.

Oh, yeah, sure, okay. We were studying. Believe that.

What are you saying?

Oh, I really shouldn't say any more.

Carol!

Well, let's just say that it was hard to read by the lights in the dashboard of

this car.

Which, by the way, was parked out on Old Johnson Road.

Good morning, people.

Class, I woke up this morning with a renewed interest in the teaching

profession. It came to me in my sleep.

I had planned a discussion period on the great Gatsby assignment.

A prank.

Open exchange of perceptions.

And then I thought, nah, pop quiz.

A quiz?

Essay questions.

Complete answers.

None of you chuckleheads gets away with those two -word answers like Gatsby's

loaded.

Carol, quick, tell me what the great Gatsby's about.

I don't know.

Come on, Carol, you always know. You're always prepared.

I told you I didn't study.

Well, why not?

Because I was...

That smile.

Don't waste.

believe this is our final session, Dr. Seaver, but I feel strong. I feel ready.

Thank you.

No, no, no, no. Thank you, Grace. You've worked very hard.

I just guided you. I offered some observations and insight.

Well, I wouldn't have been able to... Oh, wow!

I just realized that by not coming here, I'm going to save $100 every week.

Well, I'm not in this primarily for the money, you know. I like helping people.

So maybe you could give me all my money back.

What, are you crazy?

Bad choice of words.

Chad, touching you now is just as exciting as it was on our wedding night.

Ben, what are you doing?

Unwinding after a hard day.

Well, I'm fine outside.

But Dan...

You told me that if I studied really hard and applied myself, I'd get

grades? Yeah.

Well, you were so right.

Look at this.

A C minus.

Well, congratulations, Mike.

Must feel great to finally not be the guy with the lowest grade in class.

Well, I didn't say that.

Thank God you're here.

You talking to me?

failure.

Oh, definitely.

Mike, I flunked a test.

Yeah, right.

My perfect record is blemished.

Blemished?

Oh, no, no. You're setting me up for some kind of zip joke, right?

No, I'm serious. I got an F.

Let me see it.

Well, I don't have the test back yet, but all the while I was picking it, I

didn't know one single answer.

So we're talking an Official F here? Yes.

I can count on this.

Oh, what am I talking to you for? This is absolutely the worst thing that could

ever happen.

Not really.

You got a better grade than I did.

Hey, don't worry, Kelly. You don't have to tell Mom and Dad you went belly up. I

will.

Mike, Mom and Dad could seriously be hurt by this.

They're not young people.

Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you came in here spilling

your guts to me.

I mean, did you really expect me to keep such great news private? I mean, come

on, Carol, this is Mike Xavier dealing with this.

Can I take off my coat first? If you hurry.

Please, Ben, this isn't for your ears. What about that dollar you owe me? It's

in my wallet, hidden up there. I know where it is.

Honey, what is it? I don't know.

What's the big announcement you wanted to make?

You should sit.

Now, you both know that I love you. Oh, my goodness.

I just want to know, does this have anything to do with going steady with

said he was wrong.

Honey, we've talked about boys. I blame myself. No, I'm just as much to blame as

you.

When did this happen?

Today in English class.

What? In English class, Jason.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. Are we talking about the same thing?

Well, what are you talking about? No, what are you talking about?

Well, my English quiz. I didn't study because I was out with Bobby.

Boy,

you really had us going there.

What'd you think I meant? Nothing I ever want to talk about again.

Hello, Mother. Excuse me, Father.

Carol? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm interrupting something.

Now, honey, what's the problem?

This is absolutely the worst day of my academic life.

I flunked my English quiz, I wasn't prepared, and I spoiled my perfect

Sweetheart, don't be so hard on yourself.

If I might jump in here with some happy news.

Carol, it's not the end of the world.

Dad, I've never flunked anything.

Mom, is this where you put the grades that you're so proud of, or is it the

freezer side?

In a minute, Mike. Carol, nobody is perfect.

Don't you see? I was. I was your 4 .0 daughter.

You won't call me that.

Honey, you're losing all perspective here. In time, you'll see.

I am speaking of see.

I think you'll get a real kick out of this.

It's one out of hundreds, honey.

It's infinitesimal.

We don't care about one grade. We care about how you do overall.

Yeah, you're right.

One grade is not anything to get too excited about.

Speaking of which, I believe my custom news.

Has it ever occurred to you people how many trees had to be murdered to make

these sheets of paper?

Well, it occurred to me last night when I graded him.

How do you people live with yourself?

I would just like to apologize for my performance yesterday and say that it

never happen again.

I'm ashamed.

Thank you.

What the heck are you doing?

If you have to apologize for your grade, then Horowitz over there has to shampoo

my pit bull.

What? Here you go, Steven.

As for the rest of you, you disgust me.

I actually got a name prompt.

Fear me the dramatic.

No, look at this. Go ahead.

Rub our noses in it.

I don't know. I guess I must have read Gatsby in elementary school and forgot.

Maybe I don't have to read it.

Maybe I just know everything.

Yeah, well, maybe the dashboard light in Bobby's car is a lot brighter than you

said. If you've ever been in his car.

Yeah.

your soap opera. Oh, great.

Isn't it a fantastic day, Dad?

Hey, you're in a fine mood.

Yeah, I don't even mind being related to Mike today.

Mike? What?

I have something to show you.

Yeah, I got something to show you, too.

Mike, get down here.

This better be important.

Mike, I got my test back. today.

Oh, yeah?

Just seeing that great writing reminded me of what I am.

Remind me?

I just can't. Oh, yes, yes, you can't. Come on, I'm your brother.

Okay.

Hey, plus rid it of me.

My perfect record isn't blemished, which is more than I can say for your face.

Hey, look, come on, you said you didn't even study for this.

Yeah, well, some people don't have to study. Don't be that.

The psychological ramifications of Gatsby's predicament are more

within the subtext than any within the text itself.

What is this supposed to mean?

It means A+. Wait a minute.

Look, you know, you just double -talked your way through this, the same as I do.

I did not.

Hey, look, Carol, I may not know much, but I know that psychological

ramifications doesn't answer anything.

Yeah, well...

Well, yeah, you can't even spell psychological.

So? I didn't spell fertilizer.

I need my check back. Oh, certainly. Oh, sure. I'm sure you're going to want to

file that with all the rest of your bogus A -pluses.

And what's that supposed to mean?

Well, if that one's phony, then all the rest of them could be, too.

Yeah, well, I've earned every grade that I've ever gotten.

Oh, yeah?

Why are you sweating?

I'm not sweating. I'm glistening.

I'm glistening like a pig.

Fifth grade English.

While the language of the play is truly beautiful and rich, the plot is

nonetheless predictable and the ending more than a bit depressing.

It is my judgment that Hamlet cannot be considered one of Shakespeare's major

efforts.

So wrong.

Carol, while I may disagree with your conclusion, your paper is excellent.

A plus.

Definitely didn't deserve.

Carol, are you being punished for something?

No, why?

Well, you've been up here since dinner. You didn't even eat your dessert.

I'm just up here thinking about my whole sham of a life and what it means.

Though I'm not really Carol the Brain after all.

Except my life is a meaningless void.

So you don't want your dessert?

Life is so simple for you, isn't it, Ben?

Depends on whether or not you want your dessert.

Go ahead, you can have it. Thanks.

Ben, I'm glad you're as simple as you are.

Thanks. At least I know that you won't change how you feel about me. When word

gets out, I'm not who I seem.

Who are you?

Somebody who's been living a lie.

Somebody who is really tired of it.

Someone who's ready for the truth.

Do you understand?

Just tell me, were you lying when you said I could have your dessert?

You're home early today.

You see, Fawn, that hospital nurse was none other than your mother.

What did you say?

Why are you home so early today?

Not now.

And she was the very same nurse who switched us at birth.

I should turn this off. No.

Now, if you want to watch that stuff, go ahead.

Oh, thanks. I mean, it's not often I get home early enough to see it.

You are home early today.

Oh, Chad, can't you see that it doesn't matter to me whether you have a

birthmark or not?

It's you I love. But you see, my darling Fawn, it can never be.

You see, that nurse, your mother, was my mother as well.

I'm your brother.

Do you mind if I turn this down?

Huh? I don't watch these things.

Hello?

Yes, Coach Lubbock, I remember you.

Carol?

No, that can't be.

Yes, yes, of course.

Thank you.

Jason, Carol's been caught vandalizing school property.

Mr.

Lubbock? Oh, Mrs. Steamer? Doc?

Where's Carol?

In there cooling out.

Cooling out?

Don't worry. I got the screwdriver away from her.

What screwdriver?

I suggest we stay in control here.

Well, I suggest you tell us what's going on.

Yeah, right.

Well, here's the kid here. Probably the best student I've ever had.

I mean, when I look at her and then I look at the rest of the class, it makes

want to puke.

Mr. Lubbock. You can call me Coach.

Mr. Lubbock.

Coach.

You said something about vandalism?

Oh, yeah, I caught her red -handed. Let's see.

Yeah, she had a screwdriver and was prying this off the Honor Society shield

the quad.

Nobody, but nobody touches the Honor Society shield.

Jake, what's her name?

What did she say when you caught her?

Well, she said, and by the truth, shall ye be set free.

What does that mean?

Well, it means that a person can be a prisoner of their own lies. What did

mean?

Heck, I don't know.

Women never made sense to me, you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, and another thing.

She comes to me today in class and tries to get me to change her A -plus into an

F. You mean her F into an A -plus.

No, I don't.

Well, that doesn't make any sense.

What did I just say?

Then why did she tell us that she got an F?

I know. You don't know because you don't understand women.

Bingo.

Can we see her now before I lose my temper?

Sure, sure.

Hey, uh, what's she mad at me for?

If you have to ask the question, you won't understand the answer.

Now I see where Carol gets it.

Okay, I might as well tell you. And you're going to find out anyway, right?

Carol, see... you've always known?

The one who gets the perfect grades?

Well, she's a mirage, okay?

Case closed.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Honey, does this have anything to do with that test you flunked? Yes, I

so. Sweetheart, grades don't mean anything.

Tell me about it. You can't let one dinky little quiz throw you.

One quiz?

Mom, I've been through my files.

Ten years of work. Everything I've ever written, thought, Or spank.

All straight A's, I believe.

I thought you just said grades didn't matter.

I did.

You did.

Well, you as a mental health professional, do something.

All right, Carol.

Go with that.

I mean, all those A's, all that perfect work.

It wasn't perfect after all. It doesn't prove a thing.

Well, why do you think your teachers gave you all those A's? For the same

they give Mike D's, because it's expected.

Teachers know Carol Seaver gets A's. I mean, I could turn in a blank sheet of

paper and get an A for being succinct.

Well, how do you think you got that reputation in the first place?

For having the best standpile in kindergarten?

I don't know.

All I do know is that I can't even fail when I admit to the teacher that I

didn't study because I was making out with Bobby.

Then why bring him into this already tense situation?

Look, I won't cause you any more trouble.

Let me just go to my next class and class my next A.

Why? What do you mean, why?

Well, since the thing that's been driving you all these years is getting

grades, and since you've now figured out that they're worthless, well, why waste

your time?

And why even bother going to school where, God forbid, you could learn

something?

Good point.

Let's go home.

That should have worked.

Okay, Ben, you can have my dessert.

He already ate it.

Mike, I'm not in a good mood.

Hey, it's okay. You never are.

Mike, what do you want?

Um, well, I just came in here and I wanted to say that...

I think it's wrong for Dad to punish you like this.

Well, Dad didn't punish me. He just sent me up here to think.

Sounds like punishment to me.

For you, thinking is punishment.

Angel, you know, I can tell you're feeling a lot better, Carol.

Mike, what do you want?

Well, I don't know. I guess I just got kind of bored with just Ben to kick

around in. I sort of felt bad for you and missed having you to harass.

That's sweet.

And, you know, I think you're right. About what?

Well, you know, about, um, grades not meaning anything.

It's always been my approach.

Yeah. The way I figure it is by the time we're old like Mom and Dad, no one's

really going to care what kind of grades we got.

All they're going to care about is just who you are and maybe what kind of car

you drive.

See, all right, take your Buick. Now, it's big, but what does it say?

Now, you got your Volvo. They're interesting, but you gotta be able to

pipe for one of those.

Oh, and have your Ferrari.

Whoa.

Wait. What?

What did you just say?

Whoa.

Before that.

Uh, Volvos. Before that.

I forgot.

You said that when we were adults that no one would care about the kind of

grades we got in school.

They'd only care about the kind of person we are.

I said that?

So the more we learn, the more we become enriched as people.

No, I know I didn't say that.

Oh, of course. Education not only shapes how other people see us, but how we see

ourselves.

Yeah. It's not about learning facts. It's not about grades.

It's not about being perfect.

It's about being somebody worth knowing.

Uh -huh.

I better like myself since I'm going to be with me all my life, right?

Right. That's worth going to school. for. That better than great.

That worth studying for until you drop.

That's it.

Thank you, Mike.

Bye,

Dad.

I should have known she missed the point.

So you're saying that by sending Carol to her room to think last night, You

solved her problem?

Well, I think it's obvious that my suggestion got Carol on the road.

Why, do you think I'm taking too much credit?

What do you think?

Well, it certainly sounded as if maybe...

Hey!

Who the heck ate Carol's dessert?

Carol. She's feeling like herself again. She even got her appetite back.

I liked it better when her life was a meaningless void.