Original subtitles

Anytime this year, Ben.

The lock is messed up. You're messed up.

It's been a lovely birthday, Mike. Don't ruin it.

I'm not thinking of me. I'm thinking of poor little Daddy who has to carry all

your presents.

How thoughtful.

There.

Oh, this has been a lot of fun.

Well, I just want to thank all of you. Maggie, can I just put these down first?

Oh, sure.

Sorry.

I just want to thank all of you for your wonderful gift.

Except Mike, of course.

What? Next time you buy perfume, don't buy it at a bowling alley.

Excuse me, why isn't the light on in the living room?

I don't know, maybe it burned out.

Uh -huh.

And you had nothing to do with it?

What?

Carol? What?

Mike? Hey, I didn't do it.

You guys are throwing me a surprise.

No. Don't ever play poker, Jason. You're a terrible bluffer.

No, Mom.

There's no party. See, we discussed it and we decided that it would be cheaper.

Easier if we just took you out to dinner.

Right.

Maggie, all these years you've always said how you hate surprise parties.

Yes, but underneath you knew what I really was saying and you ignored what I

saying. That's why I love you.

What are you saying?

I'm ready for my party.

Boy, is it dark in here, honey. You better turn on a light before I trip

something or somebody.

thing we'll call the police.

Jason, look at my knick -knacks.

Well, those thieves didn't miss a thing. They even got the phone.

Why would someone rob us?

We're the seamers.

Oh, good.

At least they didn't take that phone. Dad, Dad, don't touch it. There could be

fingerprints anywhere, okay? I like to put my fingerprints somewhere.

All right, now, everybody, I just want you all to just calm down, okay? Calm

down, Dad. We've been invaded here.

Yes, I want to report a burglary.

Yeah, my name is... Jason! I know that.

It's still hot.

What's that noise?

It sounded like someone walking through the bushes with a big knife and a gun,

and they... It's your imagination, Carol.

Jason, it has been over an hour. Where are the police?

Just figures. There's only cops around when you don't need them.

Like when?

Like when you're speeding a little bit or sneaking into a drive -in or

a street sign.

These are just random examples, Dad.

Where are those clowns anyway?

The police are clowns.

You've seen her?

Yes, who are you?

I'm a happy birthday girl.

Happy birthday girl. Happy, happy, happy, happy. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

Well, that was pretty rude.

Well, you were supposed to be here at 9 o 'clock.

And you were supposed to be Humphrey Bogart.

Oh, wow, you're kidding.

I feel terrible.

What a mix -up. You must think I'm a total bozo.

Long as I'm here, want me to make you a balloon rhino?

Less than anything in the world.

Oh, Jason.

Robbed on my birthday.

Jason, it just doesn't seem fair.

I wanted you to remember this birthday forever.

I wish you well, Dad.

What are you people doing to me?

Excuse me, are you the fever?

Yes, yes.

Officer Wright, Long Island PD. You reported a burglary?

Uh, wait a minute. You got some ID?

You think he's my jammy son?

Mike. Come on, Dad. You could have rented that from a costume shop.

The man is a policeman, Mike, okay?

Thank you.

Do you have some ID?

No, it's okay. No, we'll trust you.

Well, how about we go inside so I can take down your report?

Well, we're not even sure the burglars have left yet.

Mr. Seaver, it's been an hour. You really think he's hanging around in

taking a bubble bath?

That's a good thinking.

Okay, everybody, come on in.

I am still scared.

Maggie, look at the size of this guy.

I feel safe.

You know, my grandpa's a cop, so I know all about it. Watch my step.

He's not black, though.

Nobody's perfect.

Excuse me.

What a shame.

We reach right through here and pop the front door.

Come on, you're touching the glass. How are you supposed to take fingerprints?

We don't have the manpower to take prints on a minor crime.

Minor?

No one was hurt.

And that's our fault?

If you don't take fingerprints, how are you supposed to put out an APB?

We don't.

Well, not exactly Miami Vice now, are we?

And you're not exactly the Cosby Show either.

Uh, excuse me, but would it ruin any evidence if I go to the bathroom?

If not, we're going to have a major problem.

No, that should be okay.

Hello, officer. If you don't take prints, what do you do?

Well, first I look for any hard evidence. You know, burglar tools,

Point of entry.

Right.

Then we fill out a report listing all your stolen items.

You'll need that for your insurance company.

Then I go to my next burglary call.

Is that how your grandpa would handle it?

No. He'd single -handedly capture the bad guys, take their guns, and be

invited...

Wow. Hey,

happy birthday.

Now, should we wait before we file the insurance claim and give you guys a

chance to find our stuff?

Is that a no?

Jason, look at this.

Just a second, honey. This is important.

What? My secret recipe chicken soup.

It's gone, too?

Well, yeah, maybe just one of the kids. No, no, no. Ask them. Can you believe

this?

Honey, we're missing a lot of things.

What's so important about your chicken soup?

I didn't make it for them. I made it for us.

Well, that just about covers it. Add chicken soup to that list.

What? Or is that too minor?

I'd do it.

Chicken soup.

Whip noodle.

Got it. If there's any additional missing items, here's my card.

Want to get a thicker and a cup of coffee?

No, not tonight.

Too busy.

Oh, come on. You don't have to go yet. Stay.

Eat. Mom, make him a cake.

Can't stay, little buddy.

But who's going to protect us when the bad guys get back?

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't worry.

They won't come back tonight.

Night.

And the silver candlesticks are gone, too.

That's about it.

Aren't you forgetting something?

What? Well, that sweater that your mother knitted for me.

It's the sleeve that's five feet long.

It's right in your hand.

Well, you know that, and I know that, but your mother doesn't know it.

My mother worked very hard on that sweater. That's why it's going to be

tragic loss.

Maggie?

Honey, what is it?

Hey.

Oh, Jason, they... They came into my house, they touched our things, they

through everything.

They know what size my underwear is.

Well, we're okay. Nobody was hurt.

But what if they come back when we're here?

Why would they come back?

Why did they come in the first place?

Hi. Hi, honey.

Can I come sleep with you guys?

Sure.

Hey, nobody's getting my stuff.

Hi. Hi, sweetheart.

Listen, you know, I was wondering...

Come on in.

Thanks.

Hey.

You scared, too?

Me? Scared? Come on, man. I just thought that you guys could use a little

protection up here.

I don't buy that for a second.

Hey.

else awake?

Yeah.

Well, this is silly.

You know what I think?

I think everybody should get up and we should go explore our feelings about

what's happened.

I don't believe this.

No, I mean it. Come on. Everybody up. Let's go.

Conversation is just what the doctor ordered. I know. I'm the doctor.

We don't have anything to talk about.

Oh, your dad's right. We could use some help falling asleep and listening to

your father could put us right out.

Thank you. I didn't mean that. I don't know what I meant, but I didn't mean

that.

Okay, I meant it.

Come on, let's go. Hey, Dad, do you want me to wake Ben up?

So we can find out why he's having trouble sleeping?

Oh, good, Mike, good.

Well, since something like this has never happened to us before, it's

that we dig into our anxieties.

Examine our feelings.

We've got to go inward and downward.

Right now, I'll make coffee.

That'll help us sleep.

Okay, decaf. I'm in no mood to argue, Jason.

Okay, kids, come on.

Let's talk about what's bothering you. I see no reason whatsoever to discuss

this a moment longer.

That's a good start.

Right?

Mike.

Oh, uh, right.

But yeah, yeah, that's a real good start, too. Let's get in touch a little

with why you're so weird, all right?

This is not good. I bet one of your scumbag friends has something to do with

this burglary. Hey, hey, don't talk about my friends like that, all right?

and Boner are too stupid to think of something like this.

Oh, thank you.

See, this is good.

See, the anger you two are feeling right now is a carryover from the burglary.

And it's good to... Let me finish!

Maggie?

Honey,

what is it?

What? You came in here to make coffee.

You want me to make coffee, Jason? We're having a hard enough time getting to

sleep as it is.

Then let's just go in and sit down and talk about what's disturbing you. Oh,

nothing's disturbing me. Just because I want to sterilize everything that scum

touched.

I know. I mean, he had a cup of coffee. You want to drink out of the same coffee

pot he did?

Honey, I don't even want coffee.

Well, then what did you ask me to make it for?

Oh, grow up, Ben.

Will you go easy on him, Mike?

Ben, we're going to be downstairs. If you want to join us, we're going to be

talking through our feelings.

I don't have any feelings. I'm fine.

You're fine?

I will be as soon as I change my shorts.

Okay, Mike, we'll come back to you.

Ben, what about you?

She's bleeping.

Jason, this has been very helpful, and I feel much better.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some cleaning to do.

Dad, do you think the thieves are sitting around the thief place exploring

emotions?

Maggie, can you just sit down, please?

You can clean while we talk, can't I?

All right, sure.

Could you turn it off?

I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you over the vacuum cleaner.

You're okay, Ben. It's all right. You're safe.

You're safe.

Oh, good.

I wish I could buy that.

Are you saying we're not safe?

Let's put it this way, Ben. If some big dude breaks into the house, you think

Dad is going to wrestle him to the ground?

Or Mom.

Who else thinks there's a possibility someone else will break in?

Come on, be honest.

Maggie?

Well, you wanted honesty. See what happens when you ask for that? I was

happy to stand here with my vacuum cleaner and lie.

No, I'm glad you didn't. This is good.

I mean, it's good that we're finally able to admit that the reason we can't

sleep is we're afraid.

All of us.

You're afraid, too?

Yes, Ben.

You're a dad in everything.

If you keep going on like this, this kid is going to explode.

Look, I don't mean to frighten anyone, but if we don't deal with this honestly,

Ben's going to be dragging that box to college.

I'm not heavy.

What should we do?

Well, that's the question.

Something terrible has just happened to us.

What do we do?

Daddy, that's one of those questions that you always ask us that you already

know the answer to.

Well, I have some thoughts. I'd like to hear yours.

I say we get a burglar alarm, the biggest and loudest.

Do you honestly think Sylvester Stallone had the burglar alarm?

No, his wife got that in the settlement.

My point is, the only way to protect yourself is with guns, lots of them.

No. That's so stupid.

You got a better idea?

As a matter of fact, I do.

All right, let's hear it. Okay.

Well, ever since this has happened, I've been asking myself, why do thieves come

here? Why?

To steal junk.

Exactly. And they call her the genius?

You can't steal someone's possessions if they don't have any, right?

So the answer is, we get rid of all our possessions.

Everybody who thinks that's the stupidest idea they ever heard, raise

All right, what's it going to be?

Rifles or handguns?

Neither. I will not have my children armed. It's a rule I have. I'm sorry, I

didn't mention it before.

Well, I'd like to explore Carol's idea.

This shouldn't be a short trip.

You know, Anna, Carol, are you saying that we should get rid of our furniture?

Yes.

Our appliances?

Sure.

Your hair dryer?

Well, seen in the proper perspective...

Dryer's really nothing more than concentrated wind, which is free.

And that's not a possession.

See, it all works out.

I wish I had a gun now.

Jason, it would be helpful to limit this conversation to reasonable, rational

solutions.

Like what?

Like putting our house up for sale and moving to a small island off the coast

Maine.

Why not a small island off the coast of France?

We don't speak...

Look, I know we can't move.

But I sure feel like going somewhere that's secure. All I want is for my kids

feel as safe as I did when I was a little girl.

Maggie, your father was a policeman.

Nobody would rob a cop.

Right, because everybody knows that cops have guns.

Guns are not the answer, Mike.

Besides, if we had a gun, that could have gotten stolen, too.

And there's a distinct possibility that somebody could get accidentally shot

while sneaking in here late.

That's a point.

Well, we all agree. We give everything away.

Right. What?

Your father doesn't mean that. He's trying to make a point.

You are trying to make a point, aren't you?

Well, I think Carol has a good idea.

Why not get rid of all of our possessions?

Yeah. Get rid of everything. That way nobody will rob us. Right. We'll be

Exactly. We can sit here, happy and secure on a bare floor, naked.

Not me.

Well, we'll save some rags for clothes.

No brand name.

Fine.

Fine, but then what happens one day when somebody comes to the door? I forgot,

we gave away the door.

Somebody comes to where the door used to be, and they say, well, I notice you're

all happy and secure in here, so why don't I just take that away, too?

Is this person a teacher?

It doesn't matter.

Dad, the question doesn't make sense.

Why not?

Well, if we're feeling safe and secure, no one can steal that.

And isn't that exactly what they were... We're letting the thieves do to us.

Yeah, that's right.

But what the heck are we supposed to do?

We don't let them take it, Ben.

We carry on.

We do exactly what we would do every Saturday morning.

Listen to you yell at Mike for sneaking in late.

After that?

We go out to breakfast.

Right.

Come on, what do you say?

But who's going to watch my stuff?

Nobody, Ben.

That's it. You see, either you own your stuff or your stuff owns you.

Mike.

I could eat.

Carol?

I feel like pigs in a blanket.

Shut up, Mike.

I knew you were making a point. I was sure of it all along. I never doubted

for a second.

Okay, come on. You've all got five minutes to change.

Who needs Sylvester Stallone when we've got Jason Roland Seaver?

Roland?

Come on, get upstairs.

All right.

Go ahead, Ben.

Would it be all right if I just took my garbage belt, kids?

Yeah. Come on, our secret.