Original subtitles

Hey -oh!

Hey -oh!

Till I come and me want to... Till

I come

and me want to... I will call the day when they will get...

Well,

thank you, thank you. I thank you and my meat.

Thank you.

Oh, yes, thank God I didn't bring home any of my friends.

Oh, me too.

Ben. I'm not ashamed of you at all, Dad.

Thank you.

Mickey Sullivan's dad puts a thrust bangle banner on his armpit.

And, Mom, you look especially lovely this afternoon.

Why, thank you, Benjamin.

Boy, what a lucky guy I am. to have such a beautiful mom and a musical dad.

Well, I think we're the lucky parents, Ben, because we have a son who says such

nice things about us. And not because he's trying to butter us up for

but just because he cares, right?

Uh... Excuse me a minute. Don't go away.

Who would you like to hear next?

Come meet the tiny man.

Cam didn't work.

How could he not work?

I didn't even get to finish the buttering up stuff.

Dad cut me off with one of those looks of his where he squints his eyes.

Are you sure you didn't mention anything about wanting the new bike?

No. I never got that far.

What do I do now?

You buff that fender while I think.

Anything, Mike. I've got to have that bike.

Got to, got to, got to, got to.

It's so cool.

Okay, okay. All right. Take it easy.

You missed a spot there.

Oh, sorry.

It's all right. Watch what you're doing.

The first thing we've got to work on is the sincerity of your delivery.

Sincerity? Yeah, see, sincerity is the most important thing parents look for in

their kids.

If you can't fake that, you're dead meat.

Uh -huh.

Ben, you've got to rub harder than that, all right?

How can I teach you something that complicated if you can't even buff my

Oh, I...

Well, you were telling us what great parents we were, and then you said, oh,

excuse me a minute, and you left.

Oh, yeah.

Forget it.

Well, I want to talk to you about all this screaming business. You're getting

far too old for it.

Then tell Mike to keep away from me.

What did Mike do?

Well, he acted like he was going to help me, but all he wanted me to do was wax

his stupid car.

Help you do what?

silk in your own room?

Hmm.

Okay, okay, what is it?

Well, see, there's this really rad new bike called the Sidewalk Screamer, and I

just gotta have it, but I know if I ask Mom or Dad for it, they'll say I already

got a bike, even though it's so old and pukey.

So I went to Mike for advice, and he told me this really neat way to ask him

it, and when I tried it, it didn't work. So I went back to Mike, and all he did

was call me into waxing his car.

Hey, he's the neatest guy on earth and he knows everything.

I thought you were mad at him.

Oh, yeah.

I like him so much. How come he treats me like this?

Hey, Ben, I figured out the perfect way for you to get that new bike.

Yeah, really? What?

And I just might tell you if you come finish that wax job.

What about the line ball?

Where are you going?

Carol, I don't have a choice.

Whatever you do, now come on. Don't let him do this to you. It's sheer folly.

Carol, if Mike doesn't help me, who will?

I will.

You? What do you know? You're a girl.

I've gotten to you just in time.

Ben, you know, Mike is not the only one in this family who knows how to deal

with Mom and Dad.

Who in this house can stay up as late as she wants?

Mom.

school night and I never, ever get punished.

That's because you're perfect, Carol. I can't use that. They're on to me.

Well, fine then, okay? Fine. Just go get taken by Mike, okay?

Okay, what do you got?

Mom, Dad, I have a confession to make.

Oh? Well, you remember how I told you you were beautiful and you were musical?

I was lying.

Sheer folly.

Sheer folly?

Sit down, Ben.

I just wanted to apologize for getting so excited about this great new bike

even Chris Guzman's dad got him.

Sometimes I don't know what gets into me.

I've probably been hanging around Mike too much.

Honey, if you'd just come in here and told us that you wanted a new bike, we

would have... Faded.

I'm kidding about fading.

Sort of kidding.

How much is this bike?

$120.

For a bike?

Well, what I'd really like to know is, if I were to work real hard and save

every penny, would I have your permission to buy that bike myself?

Well, of course, Pumpkin.

Absolutely.

We thought you meant for us to buy it for you.

Thanks, Mom.

And, honey, if you can manage to save half of that, $60, we'll pay for the

half. You will?

Hey,

Ben!

Ben! He's busy!

Well, he better not be. The wax starts to harden. He's going to have one heck

a time getting a decent shine.

Ben is not your personal lackey.

Oh?

Do you know what lackey means?

Of course.

I'll tell you what you think it means.

Blade.

That's pretty close to my definition.

Yeah, right.

And for your information, I don't think of Ben as my slave.

We just help each other out.

It's part of a brother bonding thing that is very beautiful.

Carol, Carol, it worked perfect. Oh, I told you it would. Wait, what? What

worked perfect?

They said everything you said they would. What's going on?

Okay, here's the rest of my plate. You know, I don't even care what you guys

saying. I'm just listening out of kindness here.

Everything, Carol. All right, here's the plate.

I thought you were going to help me with my car and I was going to help you with

your bike.

I don't need your help, Mike.

Oh, no?

No. I helped Ben.

She sure did.

And it wasn't like your plan, Mike. It worked.

Mom and Dad are going to come up with half the money just like you said they

would. Half of it?

Half of it?

All I've got to do is butt your tail to earn 60 bucks and you're home free. Good

plan. Great thinking there, Carol.

Oh, no. You never told me how I'm supposed to make the 60 dollars. Ben,

to me. No, I think he's listened to you just about enough.

Now, if you really want this bike, I have some thoughts we can discuss while

buff the car, Ben, buddy.

What do you mean, buddy?

You don't need to earn the $60, Ben.

Fuck your own stinking car, Mike.

Okay, now for the second part of my plan.

Do you think any of your friends would be willing to pay, say, a dollar for

old bike?

Heck yeah, who wouldn't? All right, then all you have to do is sell 60 raffle

tickets for a dollar apiece.

And the winner gets your old bike.

Wow.

Hey, what a great... What part of my plan was too complicated

for you, Mike?

Let's work out the details, Benny.

I'm with you, Carol. This plan is doomed, Ben.

And only because it's illegal to run a gambling operation in this state if

you're not a nun or a priest.

Go ahead and ignore me when Carol's brilliant idea fails.

Which it will.

I know you'll come crawling back to me, Ben.

Ben?

Tonight and every night this month, the longest miniseries in the history of

television. Set against the sprawling Civil War battlefield of Gettysburg.

Brother pitted against brother.

Bet their sister started it.

You know, it's amazing, isn't it? After all those years of medical school, your

dad is still out there cleaning the kitchen.

No, Dad, it is not my night to do the dishes. It's Carol's I can prove it. I

have a list.

Relax, Mike. Ben already did the dishes.

Oh, for Carol, that's figures.

Michael, you're not to take out the trash.

It's perfect, Mom.

What's your brother and sister?

Upstairs, laughing, joking, talking, sharing.

Well, I... I can certainly put a stop to that.

Something wrong, Mike? No, nothing you guys understand.

Try us.

Do you have any idea what it's like showing the kid the ropes, teaching him

to get by, raising a kid from birth, and then just one day all of a sudden you

lose control?

Tell me, he just doesn't listen to a word you say?

Boy, I don't have a clue. How about you, Megan?

Benny!

Hey, Ben!

I thought we could shoot a few hoops, maybe get some ice cream.

Take out the trash.

Hey Ben!

chore of mine.

Uh... Mike, we're busy. Get out.

Look, Mom and Dad sent me up here to get you. They said it's your turn to take

out the trash.

It is not. It was my turn to do the dishes, which I have taken care of.

Look, all I know is they said for you to do it.

All right. Don't move, Ben. I'm not done with that house.

You're cute.

I'm alone, Mike.

Betty, I'm just here to save you.

I'm fine.

You're fine?

Ben, see what's happening here? I mean, you pass him a chance to shoot a few

hoops, maybe peg out on some ice cream so he can stand here in his breath.

It's a gown.

That makes it okay?

Ben, look, don't you see what's happening? Look, and you're becoming

lackey.

You don't know what lackey means? Where you been?

In a gown, okay?

What's it mean?

Toady, grunt, slave.

Oh, you mean like what you used me for.

Are you kidding me? Have I ever once asked you to wear a dress?

No.

I would have.

Come on, man. Don't you see what she's doing to you?

Mike, you can say anything you want, but Carol's getting me a bike.

Uh -huh.

Boys bike or girls?

Bye,

Mom. Bye, Dad. Have fun time shopping. Take your time. I'll keep my eye on Ben

and watch his name.

raffle thing, don't you? But you can just kid yourself that you're doing all

this for little Ben.

You know, you don't fool me, Carol.

I know you're just doing this because for once in your pathetic life, you'd

a chance to pop me.

Oh, sorry, Mike. Were you speaking to me?

I think it's really cruel the way you're using Ben.

Yeah, well, I guess I don't have as much experience in using people as you do.

That's right.

I mean, no.

But did you listen?

What happened, Jody? What did he do?

He just ruined the whole raffle, that's all.

What? He sold the first two tickets to the Babatz brothers.

So? So they put the word out, if anybody else buys a ticket, they'll pound them.

So you only sold two tickets?

No, I bought one, too. The Babatzes don't scare me.

Jody, are you selling your bike for $3?

$2 .50. I got a discount.

Yes, Carol. What's the next step in your can't -lose -raffle scheme?

This is impossible. I mean, totally and completely.

I calculated all the probabilities.

Yeah, right.

I'd be glad to help you, Ben.

You will?

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

But first thing we gotta do is get rid of Carol.

That's what you were supposed to think. We parked around the corner.

What do you think, we just hang around the kitchen all day playing calypso

on meat?

We know when something's up.

We sure do.

So what is it?

Win a bite for a buck?

Ben?

Well, you're right, Baddick, we should just tell him the truth.

Huh? Yeah, give that... Get a shot.

Well, uh, the truth is that, um, little Ben here was, uh, raffling off his old

bike to raise his half of the money for the new bike.

Ben, we expected you to earn that money.

Hey, we all did.

But I think that the little guy here knows that what he did was wrong, right,

Ben? Mike!

This should certainly not go unpunished. What?

I think that a fitting punishment is for you two fine parents to just call this

whole raffle thing off.

And you should tell any kid that comes up here that Ben is now raffling off his

old bike, and you should give them their money back.

Yes, I'm guilty. I did it. Punish me.

Who are Mike or Ben?

I took Mike last time.

Mike, come with me.

Mom, I'm an innocent bystander here.

Sure. I can't tell. Would you say something?

I have a lot of studying to do.

She's waiting, Mike.

Oh, fine. Why is it every time something goes wrong in this house, I'm always

the one who complains for it?

How many kids do you have to pay back?

Three.

You're going to raffle your bike for three bucks?

$2 .50. I got a discount.

Mike, how many times do we have to cover this? You know Ben worships you. You

know he'll follow your lead no matter how stupid or scatterbrained your idea

Mom. Don't you take that tone with me, young man.

Raffles are illegal.

You could have gotten our little Ben thrown in the slammer. Mom, first of

agree. It was an incredibly stupid idea.

Oh, progress.

But the idea wasn't mine.

Oh, come on, Mike. Ben isn't sophisticated enough to come up with

this on his own. I know.

Then whose idea was it? Carol. Oh, Carol Seaver. Yes.

Mom, I'm going over to Debbie's. I'll probably stay for dinner.

In fact, there's a good chance I'll stay overnight.

Bye, sweetheart.

She's getting away!

Mike, you are only making things worse for yourself. Mom, I tried to talk Ben

and Carol out of this all along.

So you expect me to believe that it was Carol's idea that Ben have an illegal

raffle and the whole time you were the voice of reason as you tried desperately

to convince them that what they were doing was wrong?

I believe I have the right to an attorney.

Ben,

that bike cost us 75 bucks.

stever head.

The babat's voice it is. Yeah.

Gentlemen.

Oh, hi, sir.

You think I'm ducking the raffle?

The raffle's canceled, you dirtbag.

What? Yeah.

Hold it, Todd. Wait, Vinnie.

You know, I think a better punishment for you might be to just go ahead with

this raffle and you can just say goodbye to your bike.

What? No, Dad.

As a matter of fact, you can pick the winning ticket, all right?

Come on, you'll make some kid very happy.

And the winner is... number three.

I won!

I won! I won!

You're gonna get it, Joey.

Wait a minute now. We don't threaten young ladies here, Vinnie.

Hey, I'm Vinnie. I'm Ty.

I don't care. Get out of here.

Jason, we've got someone to talk to.

Oh, come on. You said you'd take Mike this time.

It wasn't Mike.

It was Carol.

What? Yeah, we're all pretty stunned.

Come on.

Not our Carol. Carol's deeper.

Gee, Jody, I'm pretty glad you won the bike. Because since we're best friends

and everything, I know you'll give it back. Yeah, Ben, right.

I could have warned you about women.

You should have never gone to Carol.

You're learning.

I only did it... because you were using me.

How?

Waxing your car, doing your chores, shining your shoes, ironing your...

okay, okay.

Maybe I've learned a lesson here, too. What?

Maybe the ironing was a little too much.

I thought I liked the ironing.

All right, we'll talk.

How am I supposed to get my bike back from Jody?

Well, Ben, I am fairly skilled at handling women.

You'd help me?

Of course, you're my brother.

Yeah, you're right. Who needs Carol?

Yeah, you know, I think she was on to something with this raffle thing,

She just didn't know how to make it work for her.

I don't get it.

Let me explain it to you, bro.

See, although a good idea is important, what really counts is what you do with

it. See, you gotta ask yourself, what is it that everyone really wants?

Well, Carol, we just hope that doing kitchen duty for a month will teach you

that it's wrong to run scams.

Mom, for the first time in my life, I messed up, got in trouble, and I'm

severely punished.

Why do you sound so happy?

Well, frankly, I found the whole thing, I don't know, interesting.

Interesting?

Yeah, kind of exciting.

Cheryl, are you saying... The planning, the danger, the execution.

I guess I know now I might find delinquent behavior.

You know, Mike has a real capacity to just... I know.

And Ben... Is on his way.

So if we lose Carol, too... We're outnumbered.

We better have another baby quick.